Original subtitles

Junior, you left your bike in the driveway.

I'm not going to move it for you again.

Junior!

Who's opening for the Backstreet Boys?

Shut up! Shut up!

No way! Shut up!

Shut up!

No... Shut up!

Shut up.

Claire, shut up.

So, listen, when do the Backstreet Boys tickets go on sales?

Where is your brother?

That is so rude.

Yeah, so is this.

I'm not a fart, you just don't make me go away.

And you know you have a 10-minute limit on the phone.

How do you know I've been on the phone for 10 minutes?

Because I've been calling the house for the past 20 minutes

ever since I got off work.

That was you?

See, that's why we need a second phone line.

No, that's why you need to click over to call waiting,

because it could be a very important business call.

(MUMBLING) I'm sorry, you're right. I was just, you know...

Um, can I have an advance on my allowance?

(MUMBLING) No, I'm sorry, because I'm still mad at you.

But, Dad, that stupid phone rule isn't fair.

Well, it's fair to me, because I'm the one that pays the bill.

Dad, you don't get it.

It's my house, my rules.

Leave the phone down and pick up a new attitude.

Junior!

And what are you doing?

Putting lipstick on...

...everybody.

You know better than that. Where did you get all this make-up from?

In Mommy's drawers.

You know you're not supposed to go in Mommy's drawers.

But you go in Mommy's drawers.

Not without liquor.

How would you like it if someone put make-up all over your face?

I wouldn't care.

Oh, really? Well, let's see how much you don't care.

There. Now you look like your grandma.

Clean this mess up and put that stuff back in your mommy's drawers.

Hey, Junior!

What's his problem?

Uh-huh.

Hey.

Aren't you supposed to knock?

Aren't you supposed to read at a 12th-grade average?

And aren't you supposed to keep your bicycle out of the driveway?

Next time, I'm gonna run it over. Hello?

I'm talking to you. I'm talking to you.

Look at this room. It's a mess.

Yeah, but it's my mess and I love my mess.

I wish it was messier.

Oh, you do, huh?

Yeah, I'm comfortable in this mess.

Oh, okay. Well, let me help you out. Let me make you real...

Ooh, that must make you kick your feet back, huh?

Yo, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just trying to make this into a five-star hotel, Junior style.

Oh, and what do we have here? We got pizza.

Three-day-old pizza... What's that?

Cheese, pepperoni, and it looks like penicillin.

Don't throw it out. I still might eat it.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

I was just gonna put it somewhere where it'd be comfortable to get.

You know you're not supposed to have food in this room.

It'll attract ants and possibly Rosie O'Donnell.

It is ridiculous around here.

He came in and tore up my entire room.

He's out of control. Yeah!

He hung up the phone on me.

And he wouldn't give me an advance on my allowance.

I have Backstreet Boys tickets to buy.

He is so unfair.

Yeah!

And look at what he did to Kady. She looks like Mick Jagger.

Yeah!

Will you shut up? Will you shut up?

Yeah!

Look, we're not gonna take this anymore.

I say we stand up for ourselves and end his oppression.

Oh, really?

What are you revolutionaries up to?

Look, Dad, we're tired of being told what to do.

And we're not gonna take it anymore.

Oh, it's like that.

A family coup. How intriguing.

And who's the mastermind behind all this?

You could talk to me.

Idiot Amin. Okay.

Well, let me put it to you this way,

in a way that you can understand.

Think of me as Darth Vader. And this is my empire.

The last thing you want is for the empire to strike back.

But you're going overboard.

No, my rules are designed to protect you from your own dumb selves.

And I guarantee you wouldn't last a week without them.

Look, you're wrong, Dad. We know how to take care of ourselves.

Really? And you all feel that way?

Definitely.

Definitely.

Okay, I tell you what.

For the next seven days, there are no rules in this house.

I'm gonna provide food and shelter,

bail money, if necessary, but that's it.

And if you guys can go a whole week without coming to me for anything,

then there'll be no more rules in this house.

Seriously?

You mean no rules at all?

No, it'll just be like the Kennedy Compound.

However, should you return to your senses within the week,

as punishment, you have to hug me and say,

"I was stupid, and you're the best dad in the world."

Deal?

Deal. Deal.

Deal.

Okay, seven days start right now.

Goodbye, my little independent children.

Am I a genius or what?

I don't trust him. He's up to something.

(SCOFFS) Of course he's up to something.

There's evil in that little bald head of his.

He thinks we're weak and we can't take care of ourselves.

But I can't take care of myself. I'm only five.

Don't worry, Kady. We'll help you.

That's right. See, the trick is we have to stick together.

He's going to try to break us but we have to be like the Mouseketeers.

"All for one and one for all."

That's Musketeers, genius.

But I agree with you. This could be the best time of our lives.

I'm in. I'm in.

I'm in.

Well, I'm going to McDonald's to get a Happy Meal. Anybody want to come?

I'm out!

What are you doing?

What about our pact?

Hey, we're talking Happy Meals.

Okay, you know what you have to say.

I was stupid, and you're the best dad in the whole wide world.

Now, let's go, Daddy.

And then there were two.

How are your ribs, baby?

You like your baby back, baby back, baby back?

Perfect. Better than McDonald's.

All right.

Yeah, it's the call waiting. Hold on, let me who it is.

Hello?

No, he can't come to the phone right now.

No, he's here. He just can't come to the phone.

Because I'm on the phone, stupid.

Sorry, it was just one of my father's business calls.

Hi, Daddy.

Oh, you have to eat dinner right now? Oh, that's okay. I'll hold.

Well, this no rules thing is really working out for you, huh?

It sure is.

Ooh, looks good. I'm starving.

Mmm-mmm.

Yeah, yeah, you must have worked up an appetite on that phone, huh?

Unfortunately, this food is for me and my good daughter, Kady.

But you said you were going to provide food.

Yeah, but not this food.

Yo, what's up, Mike. Yo, check this out.

I'm thinking about taking up smoking with my meals. What do you think?

Don't matter to me. You can eat with your ding-ding out for all I care.

I might try that. So, what's for dinner?

Well, Kady and I are having baby back ribs

with that special barbeque sauce you like.

But, you guys, I went out and bought you a nice chicken.

A beautiful one.

Whoo, huh? Look at this.

Is that a pretty yard bird or what?

That's not what chicken looks like.

Odd, isn't it. See, normally food is magically transformed

into something you can eat through this process

we call cooking.

How would I go about cooking this exactly?

Oh, now that's the dilemma.

You see advice

is something I only give to children

who follow my rules.

All right. I'll just throw it out eat it raw.

Ever hear of sushi?

Ever hear of Salmonella?

No, but if she can cook, invite her over.

And that's your leader.

So, how are the rebels holding up?

Claire's ready to crack.

Good. Keep up with the reports, Agent 29.

(FOOTSTEPS STOMPING)

(CLAIRE SCREAMING)

Hi, sunshine.

Why didn't you wake me up for school this morning?

It's not my job, Cousin Itt.

(PUFFING)

But you always wake me.

Not anymore. You're independent now.

You have to set your own alarm.

Dad, I can't go to school looking like this.

I have cheerleading tryouts today.

It's down to me and one other girl.

(LAUGHING) Well, I think that other girl won.

That's cruel.

Hey, look, Claire, why don't you come over to this side?

Forget that no-rules nonsense.

I mean, over here we have wake-up calls, we have curling irons.

We got big comfortable cars that go real fast and can get you to school.

The food's good too.

No, no, you can't break her that easily.

He can't? No!

We're strong, we're united.

We don't have to do anything we don't wanna do.

For instance, I'm not going to school today.

Well, that's your God-given right to remain stupid.

Dad, I need to get to school. I'm already late.

Plus I need my allowance to buy Backstreet Boys tickets.

Allowance. Oh, here's another problem.

You guys have forfeited allowance.

Now I only give allowance to my good child Kady.

That is so totally unfair.

I was depending on that money.

I didn't know that was part of the deal.

Forget your brother. Come over here.

Why suffer when you can have all of this?

Look at all these moneys.

Look, freedom does not come without a struggle.

We have to make sacrifices.

You're right. I guess I can just call Charmaine's mom

and have her give me a ride to school.

See, now that's using your head.

You don't need dumb old me and my stupid old comfortable cars

when you can call up Charmaine

and have her mom come get you. And come here.

You know what you can call her on?

Your very own, brand new

pay phone!

Ta-da!

(SHOUTING) A pay phone?

Yeah, you need change?

I'm having a special. Three quarters for a dollar.

I don't think I can take much more of this.

Just be strong, all right? He's messing with your mind.

But I need to get to school.

I'll take you on my bike.

Yeah, I can see the guys talking now.

"Hey, here's comes that hottie on the Huffy."

Hey, Kady, which one of Daddy's comfortable cars

do you wanna go to Tumble Tots in?

The blue one, Daddy.

An excellent choice.

That's gonna look so good parked outside the doughnut shop

we'll stop at one the way there, huh?

Well, got room for one more. Any takers?

No, no. Stay away from the light.

Go! Go now. Go!

I know what you're trying to do with Claire. And you're gonna fail.

(IMITATING BUGS BUNNY) Yeah. What's up, Doc?

MICHAEL: No, Jay, everything's fine.

Yeah, our good daughter's making a get-well card for her grandma.

Yeah. Mmm-hmm. And the other two evil children

are enjoying the fruits of their freedom.

(CHUCKLING) I think Claire's weakening.

Oh, speaking of Miss Liberty, look who just walked in.

Is that Mom?

Yeah, you wanna talk to her? Yeah.

Okay, hold on. Jay, I need to let you go.

Right. No. Claire really needs to speak to you.

Okay. Bye.

(KISSES) Love you.

You need some change?

What happened to your knee?

I feel off Junior's bike again.

I hear those bikes don't have airbags like my cars.

I can't sleep! I'm hungry!

My knee's all banged up! My hair's a mess!

I have some real problems, Dad.

You think you have problems? Listen to this.

Kady and I have an extra ticket to see the Backstreet Boys tonight.

And we can't figure out who to take with us.

You're going to see the Backstreet Boys?

Yeah. Kady and I love them. Don't we, Kady?

We sure do. MICHAEL: Mmm.

And we'd love to take you, Claire,

but the Backstreet Boys rule and

(SCOFFS) we know how you feel about those rules.

So, who did we decide to take instead, Kady?

Little Pipi.

Little Pipi. That's right.

The stupid doll is getting the extra ticket?

Hey, she's not stupid. She listens.

That's true. Watch this. Pipi, don't move.

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

Mike, what's up?

Oh, not much. You're the one who's scratching,

you tell me.

I just have some ants up in my room. No big deal.

Oh, you're a bigger man than me.

I know when I get an ant bite, I just itch everywhere.

I just start itching, like, over here

and the itch feel like I itch everywhere...

I feel like I got ants crawling all over me everywhere. Whoo!

I'm just itching thinking about it.

Well, we gotta go. Come on, Kady.

We don't wanna miss this concert.

See you later, Son. Have fun.

CLAIRE: Wait, I'm going with you.

Uh-oh. Claire, no, no. What about our pact?

Forget the pact. I can't take anymore.

I want to get driven to school, make free phone calls,

and see the Backstreet Boys.

I hear this is the event of a lifetime.

* You're my fire

* My one desire

Claire, look, none of that matters anymore.

The only thing that matters is defeating the creature.

He's too powerful. With Mom gone, he will let us die.

But we only have to hold out for two more days, then we win.

Listen to me, Junior, this whole thing is ruining me.

My social life is crumbling.

The cheerleaders are shunning me.

Today, I had to eat lunch with the foreign exchange student.

My whole world is falling apart!

Do you hear me? My life sucks!

(SIGHS) I'm ready to join you, Daddy.

Welcome home, Claire.

I was stupid. You're the best dad in the whole world.

Yes, I know.

Well, Pipi, you're out of here.

You can throw in the towel, Son.

Save face. We won't think any less of you than we already do.

I'll never join you.

Fine. So be it.

And then there was one.

The dumb one.

Where are you off to? If you must know, Mike,

I'm gonna hop on my bike and cruise around town.

You know, speaking of bikes, a funny thing happened.

You know how I always say, "Don't park the bike in the driveway"?

Well, some idiot rule-breaker

left his bike in the driveway and look what happened.

I accidently ran over it.

Five times.

Fine. Don't worry.

The other half is perfect.

Who cares? I don't need the bike. I'll just walk.

And I'm not coming back at any curfew hour.

In fact, I might just stay out all night.

Ooh, danger adventure.

Don't worry about me. I will not wait up.

Hey, there he is, the rebel without a clue.

What happened to all night, Son? It's only 11:30.

Everything's closed.

Oh, that must be because we live in Stamford, Connecticut.

It's the city that always sleeps, you know.

You sure you don't want to come over to my side?

(SCOFFS) No way!

Okay. Suit yourself.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

My key doesn't work.

Oh, that must be because we changed the locks.

Well, let me in.

I wish I could, but I can't. No can do.

There's a new rule in this house.

No door opens till 6:00 a.m.

Go figure. Rules.

So, what am I supposed to do till then?

Anything you want. I think Kinko's is open.

You could go Xerox that stupid look on your face.

Well, I'd love to chat, but 6:00 a.m. rolls around really fast.

I'm gonna get some sleep. Night-night, don't let the garden bugs bite.

Hey, I love you, man.

Better close this door. You never know who might try to break in.

Daddy, Junior's asleep on the lawn.

Oh, don't worry. He'll be up in three, two, one.

(SPRINKLERS STARTING)

(SCREAMING)

Good morning, Son.

(KADY EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Smells like you need to be buried.

That's what happens when you sleep on a recently fertilized lawn all night.

Can I talk to you in private?

I have nothing to hide from the kids on the Kyle Team.

(SIGHS)

Anything you need to say, you say it in front of us.

(MUMBLING) You were right.

It sounded like you were saying...

(MUMBLING)

(MUMBLING) Am I right or did I hear you say "you were right"?

You were right. Following the rules is important.

That's a very interesting theory.

And why do you think that is?

(SIGHS) It's the way we show our appreciation

for all the good things you do for us.

I wanna hear you say that again. That was beautiful.

It's the way we show our appreciation

for all the good things you do for us.

That's beautiful.

You know what, I'm actually proud of you.

I didn't think you'd last this long.

So, what else have you learned?

Well, I learned that I can't survive on my own without rules.

And that I love being part of a family.

And that if you sleep out on the lawn all night, dogs will pee on you.

That's repulsive.

Hey, it was the only time I was warm all night.

I was stupid, and you are the best dad in the whole world.

Give me my hug.

No, no, no. Uh-uh.

(LAUGHS) You smell way too bad, man.

No, but a deal's a deal. Come on.

No, no, no, no. No damn deal.

Isn't one of Mommy's rules that you can't drink milk out of the carton?

Yeah, well, Mommy's not here.

So, it's okay to break the rules sometimes?

You want a dollar?