Original subtitles

These are the worst injuries I've seen in the whole of my career.

What happened to him?

I don't know, but they say he saved the world.

Nooooooooo!

This must heaven and you must be Jah - big up yaself.

Can I come in please?

We've already got TuPac and Biggie, heaven's not ready for another angel.

Go back to earth Ali, your work there is not yet done.

Nuff said.

While I iz up here I couldn't get an extra couple of inches could I?

No, 11 is enough for any man.

Hold on. It just moved.

Throw your hands in the air And push'em up like you just don't care

And if you're ready to rock and raise the roof on top then somebody say

Oh yeah!

Hey you don't stop. Push em up now Put your hands up, come on, raise the roof.

Ooooh. Push it up, push it up!

Recognise!

Me iz got a blackbelt in keepin it real,

dat is why every week me get sent 100s of letters,

some of dem is photographs, fankyou Joanne Slaney..

I don't fink I will ever eat a chunky Kit Kat again

but most of dem is about realness

and about special the gift of how nice life is.

In fact just yesterday me walked into St. Christopher's hospital in Chertsey

dere me saw a tiny baby nestlin' on its mothers chest,

it woz de most wonderful fing I iz ever seen.

It was just a shame the baby's head was blocking me view of de full nip.

Me fought about dat baby and me worried about its future

coz dere is so much baddness on de streets.

Unfortunately dere will always be crime becoz it gives u such a WIKID buzz.

Dat's why earlier on me met dat coppa off Crimewatch

to get 'im to explain to de youth de dangers of weapons. Peace.

De filth, scum, pig, dese is some of the terrible fings the police is called.

Other fings include de fuzz and de fuzzy muff.

You gotta give the flange respect cos dey is keepin' the street safe

from the most dangerous weapons.

Dis is Detective Super Intendent David Hatcher from the police,

he is here to show some of the terrible weapons that brothers is using

on brothers every day. Ain't that right. Now what is these?

Right this is, er, basically it's two bits of wood, it's called a chucker,

sometimes it's called a flail.

So where can you get these kinds of thing from?

Well you can't buy them in this country legally.

For real. So which countries can you buy these things from?

Er, I'm not going to advertise where they can come from.

What has we got in here?

Right this looks like a, this is actually a very small knife,

a dagger that, er, as you can see...

Ah nice, that is an interesting fing. And how much is one of dese?

To buy? - Aii. - I've no idea.

Aii for real. So what about this, is this well dangerous?

That is wicked, what is that? I've never seen that before.

What is that is that well dangerous if you go like that

and then like flick that around? What is that?

It's dangerous which ever way you look at it, isn't it?

I mean it's got a sharp point, it's got a blade, er...

Dat is mental, man, I mean, I ain't never seen anything like that.

How do you carry that, like that or...?

So what if you is lets say in the kitchen and you is chopping carrots

with a machette or somefing cos you don't have anything and then

the phone ring and then it slip into your sock and you don't know and

then you is running to get a bus and it fall into someone's arm you know

a couple of times, is that legal or illegal?

You got a wild imagination.

Aii but me is finkin' about the law. Would that be legal or illegal?

I'd say that's absolutely illegal, no court is gonna believe that

that sequence of events was really likely to occur.

So would this be legal to carry around with you? Cos that is...

No, because that's designed only for one purpose.

Aii. For hurtin' someone.

I mean you couldn't convince me that you got that with you for anything legal.

What if you just said you got it for your pack lunch?

I'd say convince the court, Ali, cos I don't believe you. You're comin' with me.

Aii. Where? - Down to the station.

What now? - If you like...

What do you mean?

Alright, you is pretending to be in the thing,

I didn't understand what you was talking about.

Ok cool. What kind of excuses do a court believe with knives?

If it's the truth and if it's reasonable

then hopefully the court will believe it.

What I'm not going to do is give you a list of things that I would suggest

the court might believe because you could use that excuse

and it not really be true.

So has you ever come in contact with a criminal who can put in a hand

into someone's body and take out the heart and just...

Cos I know they is seen that on the films and whatever but dey say

that if you is really trained at Kung Fu whatever you can do that.

There may be somebody who can. It's news to me.

Aii. So what is you gonna be doin' with all dese weapons afterwards?

Well, they'll be taken to an iron foundry they will be melted down and destroyed.

So would you auction them? - No.

What about if it was for charity? - Not even for a charity.

Alright, fank you very much Chief Super Intendent. Big up, respect.

Big it up for Dj Tha4orce, when him touch dat multi-mix fader,

him hotter dan dat girl from Tomb Raider. Tha4orce!

(DJ Tha4orce answers in Patwa)

Gwan! Yu nuh 'ear? Mek us galang now.

(DJ Tha4orce answers in advanced Patwa)

tea...mek...wid...bwilin'...water...

(Tha4orce in Patwa)

No, dat ain't in it!

It's Friday night, it's channel 4, what do you expect to see... muff!

I has been gettin' a lot of complaints that this show is too high brow.

So I is had to cave in and allow a bit of punani.

I is well excited to introduce our guest tonight, she is a business woman,

called Anita from a hestablishment called the Body Shop

and I hear she can do amazing fings with bananas, carrots and cucumbers.

Switch over now, the faint hearted, turn over, Mary Lighthouse,

cos we is gonna have some genuine filth. Brothers and sisters big it up for...

Anita Rodlick.

No offence, but you look a little bit like a hippy, is you one?

Yeah.

Ain't it a bit hypocriticalist, bein' a hippy and sellin' soap?

No, it's the best, it's the best.. Can I.. I'm trying to sit like you.

Don't sit like me, der is a reason my legs is so far apart.

It ain't physically possible to get them any closer.

So let me get this right, you go out to dese third world countries

and you bring back some of deir produce. Me know a few people who do that. Aii.

Right, bet you do.

What technique do you use to get it pass customs, does you swallow it

in a connie or do you stick it up your batty?

No, you, that's old fashioned. You gotta look really straight,

you have your hair back in a bun, you dress with high heels, oh it's...

No, they'd never believe me. - No, they wouldn't believe you.

But it must be wicked bein' there, what, cos they is all so poor

that they would do anything for like two p.

You just go, ain't it: Here's two p, dance like a bear,

here's two p, lick me shoes. Yeah, you do that?

What they want which would be very happy

they want coffee, they want anything that's addictive.

Aii for real. Well, I could sort that out.

Now you'd be really...

I would go out there, rise a new untapped market.

Now you do a lot of campaigning out there to make their lives better.

Is dat true? - I hope...

Do you dream that one day every village will have a MacDonalds?

I would, I cannot think of anything more disgusting.

I is heard a terrible story that in some countries they has only

got Wimpy out there?

What is the green house effect?

It's the green house effect is like everything just exploding.

We went swimmin' in Brighton me and me mates when we was really mashed

and me mate Dave swallowed a bit of plop. Is that because of the green house?

Really no, no. That is terrible. That is terrible.

Anita.

However, however, don't knock faeces.

I've got this special perfume for you.

You is gonna bring out a shite. Please don't do that.

I don't want anyone cackin' on my show.

I don't care how big a business woman they is.

No no. It's always going on. It's always going on about skunk,

so I got you made sexy skunk and it has sweaty armpits,

it has leather, it has tobacco, sort of intimations of...

Basically it smell like me Julie. Alright.

I've had nuff of dat already.

So that's sexy skunk. - Would you ever sell clothes?

Yeah. - Would they be made of natural fibres?

They should be. Should be organic fibres, hemp, flax. They should be.

For real, cos me clothes is also made of natural fibres. - Right.

Dis is made out of an animal called a cryllic, it live in Taiwan.

In fact over tweny cryllics was used to make me pants.

Is you against animal testing? - I am, definetely.

Would you still be against animal testin' if it was a product for animals?

Erm. Yeah, I don't think I've a right. No, I think I would, yeah.

Now I hope you don't mind but I took the liberty of

nicking some stuff from your shop. - Oh my god.

Now first up, here we go, cleansingmilk. What's this? Very nice.

Now me Julie don't believe in this bottled face cream. - She doesn't?

Me knock her up some fresh stuff every day.

It's true, it's true. I tell you.

I tell you it has cleared up me Julie's spots

on both sets of her cheeks. Would you..

You're, you're absolutely, you know, you're absolutely right.

We have had submissions over the years, presumably...

I will give you a submission later on if you want.

We have had letters, we have had serious statements, serious letters

from people saying that the protein in semen actually works.

Would you ever consider bottling me stuff?

No. - It's totally natural.

And no animals has been harmed making it...

apart from me own beast.

I think I'll give that one a miss, give that one a miss.

Well you'd have to be pretty fast to give it a miss.

Big her up Anita Rodlick. Big up yourself.

Represent.

Doctors they is the most powerful people in the world.

They can give life they can cure disease and

they can ask to see a womans... without, without gettin' slapped.

But with power come responsilibity.

Dat why earlier on me had a discussion with de countries

top experts on medical ethics. West Side.

is plastic surgery a good fing?

It's a, it's a good thing when you can say you are correcting a disease.

I 'as heard this rumour, it's probably rubbish, that some girls

actually ask to get their tombolas made smaller. Is that true?

Well sometimes, yes, because some women have problems with their back.

But do you fink it can ever be morally right to have a breast reduction?

Well I think it can if there is a genuine problem.

So how do doctors decide who gets the plastic,

do they sit around and go she's seriously mingin,

she can get the plastic, or do they go

she's only a bit rough she don't need the plastic, just go and bag it?

You have to make your judgement from seeing the patient,

from listening to them, from finding out what really the problems are

and what possible solutions there are.

Wouldn't it be great if we had the technology to make sure

that everyone was black. Or is that a just a dream?

No you couldn't. - Well ain't that a bit racialist?

I think, ern, no I don't think it is. - That's a bit racialist, isn't it?

I think it's a bit racialist to suggest...

Speak to the hand cos the head ain't listening.

Well I think it's a bit racist to suggest that it would be

a good thing for everybody to be black.

You see your point was very interesting you said why shouldn't

everybody be black, but that's because you happen to be black

and you say I want people to be like me

Is it right to donate organs?

Absolutely, it's a gift culture.

Do you fink if you is having a heart transplant

it is right for you to meet the person first?

If you're having a heart transplant the person is dead.

Wiv transplant when does it stop being you?

When I say you I mean I don't mean you,

I mean like, you know, if I, if you had transplant,

which I don't know if you has had or if you ain't.

You know what I is sayin when I say you?

Alright let's change the subject a bit. Let's talk about doctors

who is ending the lives of people who is old and suffering.

Do you think that is right?

They set up a committee of the good and the great,

the house of Lords, two years they spent looking at the issue

in the end all twelve say no law for euthanasia.

But what has got to do with the youth in Asia?

I mean it ain't their fault that these people are dying,

they is thousands of miles away?

Euthanasia means mercy killing, literally means dying well,

we're not talking about... - Why is you blaming asian kids?

It's not Asian kids.

Do you fink it's ever right to switch off the life support machine?

Ah it can be yes because the life support machine is, er, is

well if you like it's what used to be described as an extrordinary means

of keeping somebody alive, it's not basic care.

So should you say you has got two weeks to get better,

if you don't, we is using that plug for the tele?

Check it now it time for the last ever Borat. Realise.

Dzienkuje! I come to Henley Regatta where old English gentleman

look at young muscley boy in a boat shaped as a man's chram

This is most special event of summer season, I come to find why. Jagshemash!

What is Henley Regatta?

It is a international regatta that was founded about 160 years ago.

Is there woman in club? -Yes

There can't be. not as members. - Oh yes.

But they are fantastic in a kitchen, in a bed, but in a sport...

In the sports they learn self control.

Yes, what you mean...

Yes, they become very athletic,

very attractive to western men. - Yes, ah because they become strong.

Not so strong but lithe and flexible.

Is nice and this is beautiful badge - These are...

the badges given out by the various... - What does it mean this

That's Leander club - And there is a pig, a pig on this?

Yes it's a hippopotamus - What is hippopo?

Hippopotamus it's an animal in Africa that swims in the water.

A fish? - No

Like a pig but goes in the water - Pig in the water...

A Hippo. - You joke with me. This is English humour.

This is not English humour. This is true. - A pig in the water

A pig who drink water - Yes it swims in the water

Live in the water? - Not a pig, it's pig size, bigger

And will we see this pig in the water - No you won't, you'll see the boats

belonging to the club that has pigs on its badge.

Yes, yes, they have a pig on, in the boat

They have a little symbol on the boat of the pig.

Theres... And why do they carry the pig in the boat?

They don't carry, they carry the symbol of it

you know a little picture like, like your badge. - Yes

Why do they show a picture of a pig on a boat? - Because that's their symbol.

I don't know why. - Why they chose a pig

because in Kazakhstan we say a pig is a dirty animal.

You see it's not actually a pig it's a hippo, but...

Hello. - Hi.

Hello, Congratulations - Thank you.

Congratulations - Thank you.

Congratulations - Thank you.

We here have English tea. - That's right, yes.

We've had our sandwiches. - How many times have you been to England?

This is my first time. - Oh right. And are you enjoying it?

Is beautiful, everyone say that it rain down like, how, you say..

Cats and dogs? -... piss. - No, we don't say that.

You have wonderful moustache.

I've had that for a very long time.

Mine is nothing compared to your... - No, it just takes time.

Your moustache is beautiful. I am very jealous.

Well I appreciate you saying that. - Thank you.

May I ask you are a man who does with another man?

No. Definetely not.

It's a very big national race between these two local rivals.

You back 'Bucks' and I'll back 'Berks' right?

I back backs. - And I back Berks

You back 'Berks'. - 'Come on Berks' you say, 'come on Bucks'.

- Come on Bucks - Come on Berks

Come on the Bucks! Come on the Bucks!

There they are look, yes there they are corning down there now.

Motherf......hmmm. Move.. Bucks!

Move the Berks. - Motherfuck!

Come on the fucking Bucks!

You can't say that. - Why not?

It's a swear word.

So I have learnt lot about Henley, I have had best day of my life.

Jagshemash.

Selector. Parents if your teenage kids is suddenly lost a lot a weight,

is lookin very pasty, 'avin mood swings and is spending

alota der time locked in der rooms then they is almost certainly

into Indie music. In me final bid to sort out dis evil

me is invited on a man who has got it worse dan most.

Take one look at him and see how bad the effects can be.

You will be scared 'cos it's Jarvis Cocker.

De show ain't finished yet, de cleaners come on after we is finished,

We is we is waitin for a big pop star... Can you piss off please?

It's me.

Cumofit! U look like a kiddy-fiddler.

Now I first heard of you at the Brit awards, when you went on stage and

tried to bum Michael Jackson. Why, why did you do dat?

That's not quite what happened.

But no matter how into his music you is you should never

actually try and bum him.

Would you like it if someone came up to you now while you was on stage...

and tried to bum you here? ..... Actually, don't answer dat

Now your new album is called 'dis is hardcore'. Me bought it,

invited round a couple of me mates, and trust me it ain't hardcore.

They got well eggy. Me, had to stick on Shaving Private Ryan instead.

Sorry.

So Jarvis, which track would you like me to help you out wiv today?

Well I thought we could do a song called 'Help the Aged'.

Aii for real. The man, none other than Jarvis big up lets take it to da fing.

Big it up for Jarvis Cocker in de house. Bo!

Help the Aged! One day they were just like you.

Drinking, smoking cigs and sniffing glue.

Help the aged - Help de motherfucking aged!

Don't just put them in a home - Don't put them in a mo fo home!

Can't have much fun in there all on their own

Me Nan is 63 her name be Sheila. She always on de phone

to her motherfucking dealer She rock de ghetto style

she always wear fila She still get jiggy in her boyfriend's threewheeler

I said OAP - Yeah you know me

Me said OAP - Yeh you know me

Me Nan cant live on her little pension she smoke de herb

just to ease de tension She got a leak

in a place I won't mention De NHS call it water retension

bim bimma who stole me nan's zimma bim bimma who stole me nan's zimma

bim bimma who stole me nan's zimma it don't matter she free stone slimma

Help the Aged - West Side in de House!

Coz one day they were just like you - Keep off the crack, keep off the crack

Help the Aged - Respect your nan!

Coz one day you'll be older too

Shake your batty boy shake your batty shake your batty

Help the Aged - Jarvis!

The famous batty! Shakin the batty!

Help the Aged - Help yourself!

Help the Aged

Jarvis, big im up. Me wanna big up everyone,

all me guests tonight, Jarvis, me dancers, Tha4orce, me audience,

and everyone in the country for keepin it real!

Me said Bo Selector. Aii.

It's da end of me series and me wanna leave you wiv one final fought.

Der is millions of different types of people out der but it is important

never to forget where you come from

becoz black, white, brown or pakistani we all come from de same place:

de punani. Dat where me come from,

...an dat is de place me like to visit as often as me can

Jah bless and keep it real.