All language subtitles for Da.Ali.G.Show.(US).1x06.Belief

America's most wanted.
Have you seen this man?

(Police radio, sirens)

'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.'

What is art?

I dunno but I think it has got
something to do with the gays.

Whatever. I is come to New York
to find out more. Check it.

What is art "now... voo"?

Nowvoo. Nowvo. Nowvo?

- Art nouveau.
- Whatever.

Yeah, whatever. Whatever.

Er, art nouveau was a style, er...

toward the end of the 19th century.

(Ali) What is art deco?

New York is an art deco city,
you might say.

So what is Art Garfunkel?

Art Garfunkel is Art Garfunkel,
he's just a singer.

- Ain't that confusing for young people?
- It would astonish me if it were.

I once painted me Julie
with some chocolate body paint.

Is that art?

The interesting question is not
yes or no but why.

Well, I did it because I thought
it would turn her on

but it didn't even taste of chocolate
and it looked like she'd shat the bed.

It might still have been art
but it didn't do what you wanted.

- What is acting?
- Oh.

Not a good question.

The camera hates "acting".

- What's this?
- That's old-fashioned acting,

where you're indicating,
acting in quotes. Those are quotes.

- Quotes?
- Quotation marks.

- I thought they was ears.
- That's correct.

Why is it that hoes
is better actors than men?

Uh...

I should tell you, as dean of
the Actors Studio Drama School,

that I don't use words like "hoes"
and I hate them. Honestly.

- All right. Bitches.
- I know it's the vernacular...

I hate words like "bitches".

But why is it that woman is so good
at pretending to be upset?

Like, "Oh, Ali,
you has forgotten me birthday!

"Oh, you has slept with me
best friend!" You know, crying.

Has you ever met Robert De Niros?

- Robert De Niro was on my show.
- Whoa!

He is the bomb, man! He is so good!

Robert De Niro is a genius.

- Has you've seen Analyze This?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, him doing his thing!

I've had them both on my show.

What does he say?
"No, you, you, you. No, you. You,"

to the other one with the beard
who ain't that good.

You asked about the Actors Studio.
Go see Taxi Driver.

- Is it better than Analyze This?
- Yes.

Has you ever cried watching a movie?

- Of course. I'm a pushover.
- You has cried? (Laughs)

What are you laughing at?
I cry if I'm moved.

Does you want to redo that bit?

You don't want them to know that.

- You're gonna...?
- Has you ever cried?

You're gonna call me a fifi boy
for crying in a movie?

It is a bit over the hill
and round the bend.

Jesus, no.

Jesus, no!

Has you ever interviewed Shakespeares?

- William Shakespeare?
- No doubt.

He died about 400 years ago.

No, he ain't, cos I has seen him at...

- On the telly?
- No, on the theatre.

The school made us
go to see William Shakespeare.

You saw somebody
playing Shakespeare.

I didn't like it
and me left after half an hour.

Well, they chucked me out
cos I was shining one of them laser pens

on Shakespeare's head.

- But...
- Respect. Shame on you.

(# East European folk-pop)

(Borat) Did the premier Bush
come from south?

(Woman) Yes, George Bush
is from Texas.

- Ah, is good!
- And I went to school with Barbara Bush

at Ashley Hall here.

- Barbara Bush?
- Yes.

"Bush" in Kazakhstan...
We laugh when we hear the name,

because bush mean the hair around...

er, the testes satchel.

And, er, Barbara,
we say in Kazakhstan mean "to eat"!

So it is like Barbara Bush
is to eat the hair from a testes satchel!

Is good.

This is the spring house.

- Go on in!
- Hello.

This is a very ancient kind of tool.

But it is a shame now
to use this primitive tool.

We now have a machine,

it can chop wood, er... without man.

OK, you have to understand
what we're about.

This is the 18th century, OK?

- I am a historic interpreter.
- You are a slave?

I am not. I am a historic interpreter.
I am a museum educator.

- Can I buy you?
- No, I'm afraid you can't.

In Kazakhstan, we think USA
very technology, very good

and now I see is very primitive.

This is 200 years ago.

We are not in the year 2002 here.
We are...

This is a time machine
back to the year 1750 or 1760.

You make a time machine?

- Can you please explain to him?
- I'm trying hard.

He keeps telling me about buying
a slave. We don't do that!

- It hasn't been done since 1865.
- This is a historic site.

Do you understand what that is?

This is an outdoor museum.

I like you. Do you like me?

I'm not sure!

We're gonna see
the milking of a cow now.

- This is a man or a woman?
- I don't know.

- You don't know?
- I think it's a woman.

It is not so clear. How do we find out?

- I'll find out.
- Find out.

Why do you throw the milk away?

I think it was given some medicine
so it's not fit to drink.

Oh, all right.

I'm not really sure.

- What is it?
- A woman.

You think it's a woman?
It is not so clear.

Do they always have girls
like you milking the cows?

- Yes.
- Mm-hm.

But why is she wearing
clothes like a man?

Cos they all do when working here.

- She is, er...
- No, she's not!

(# Kazakh disco rock)

- Chinqui.
- How are you doing there, Borat?

Good.

- You are a cowboy?
- Yep.

- You are a cowboy?
- I'm a cowboy.

- High five! Down low!
- (Laughs)

Too slow!

- Swing at the steer.
- Wawaweewa!

- Swing in big circles.
- Yes.

Like this.

Yes.

- Yes.
- See?

- Yes.
- You got it now?

- Yes.
- OK, I'm gonna turn it loose.

Keep it going.

- You OK?
- I'm OK.

Then you have to throw it at the steer.

(# Kazakh disco rock)

How many, er...

punch punch you take to a cow
before it fall?

Me, er, is eleven my record.

No, I hit a goat one time.
Never hit a cow.

I once, er, carry a woman against her will

for near one mile.

- You did?
- Yes.

He carried a woman against her will
for one mile.

- Really?
- Why did you do that?

- To show her my home.
- Oh, OK.

Did she like it when she got there?

- Yes. She my wife now.
- She's your wife now?

I have a wife.

- Oh, that's sweet.
- You want to see her picture?

- Yes.
- Yes.

(Borat) This is her.
(Woman) Oh, she's pretty.

- Yes.
- She couldn't come with you?

- Did you know that was in there?
- Yes! My wife!

Is not for lady to see.

That's more of your wife
than I wanted to see!

- My wife.
- Oh, this is your wife? Wow.

Don't be lookin' at all those pictures.

Huh? Whoo, geez.

(Borat) Yes. She is a nice.

Well, she's nice, son.

Yes, she's nice. Do not show your wife.

Booyakasha, check this out, yo.

I is here with my main woman,
Naomi Wolf.

She be well important feminist

and has like written nuff books about...
that kind of stuff.

Do you think that women should have
equal rights in the workplace?

Yeah. Do you?

Ain't there the problem
that if they get them there

then they is gonna start asking
for them at home?

Yeah. And what's wrong with that?

Research has shown -
this is my favourite statistic -

that the most erotic thing
a man can do for a woman

- is the dishes, is housework.
- The dishes?

- After she's had a child.
- I thought it was the figure of eight.

- When you...
- Oh!

- Well, that's good before...
- Cos that is what I use, baby.

All right, then, no offence
but if you is so equal,

how come even the things
you claim you is better at men at,

like cooking, you know, you ain't?

Who says women are better cooks?

All the best chefs in the world is men,
like Colonel Sanders,

Ronald McDonald,

them is a million times better
than Wendy.

Yes, very good question. I never claimed
women are better cooks than men,

the great chefs have all been men.

(# Hip hop, scratching)

# Hear dis!

# Hear dis, boy! #

Do you reckon now that women has got
more job h'opportunities than men?

No, I do not.

Cos you has got all the lap dancers,
all the bitch...

the woman in the rap videos,
whatever, strippers, you know.

Countries in eastern Europe
are collapsing and women like me...

- For real.
...have to sell sex in order to...

- For real.
...look after their children.

But if you did, you would make loads.

I hope you never have to.

Well, thank you for the compliment,

I appreciate that cos I'm almost 40,

so that's nice that I could
possibly take to the streets.

But let me tell you, honestly,

how would you feel if
you had to sell sex, your sex?

What, if people paid me for sex?

- No, honestly.
- Wicked, man.

- I would be there every day.
- Yeah, right.

I would be at the office 24 hours a day,
seven days a week,

3-6-9.

Would you call a woman a bitch?

Would you say "You're my bitch"
and expect her to feel respected?

With me Julie... I has got a girlfriend
and I do sometimes call her me bitch

but, you know, in the bedroom
them words come out

and she ain't got a problem with it.

Mm-hm, OK.

Um... gee, I'm kind of speechless.

Not a bitch, I is calling her my bitch.

I'm sorry, OK. "My bitch."

OK. Um, you know, I guess
we're speaking at cross-purposes

because I'm so offended by this
I can't even tell you.

Yo. So diggety-check yourself
before you wreck yourself

because I is here with four people

who has all thought about
something called religion.

How powerful...

is God?

I think there is a power. Uh...

I think most people at some point
experience that power,

they draw upon something
that seems larger than themselves.

Can God do better stuff
than David Blaines?

You're asking God to make
square circles.

God can't do impossible things.

There've always been magicians
and there always will be

and some of them claim
to be really producing magic.

So ain't God just like
an over-hyped David Blaines?

No. And a lot of people would
find that suggestion very offensive.

Yo, sorry.

If God has got all these amazing powers,
why don't he flex it every day?

If you has got it, flaunt it.

Me mate Dave's got a nine-incher,
he gets it out all the time.

God should be showing his powers.

Let's talk about this man, the main man,

the mack daddy of the Christian thing.

- What was his name again?
- Jesus Christ.

Why did Jesus go round
with all them reindeers?

I'm not sure I've seen
the same images you've seen,

I think you're confusing him
with Santa Claus.

So does Jesus really exist?
Or is it just your father dressed up?

Yes, Jesus exists as the second person

of what we believe to be the Triune God.

Is it true that he was born in a stable?

It's possible he was born
in those kind of simple circumstances,

- no room in the inn, that sort of thing.
- There was no room in the...

Well, that's cos it was Christmas, innit?

(Ali) Let's talk about marriage.

Would you ever marry a Jewish girl?

I've chosen not to marry. I've chosen...

- Just to play around?
...a celibate life.

So how many months
has you been celibate?

- 52 years.
- So you ain't done it for...

That's right. That's right.

And I can tell you,
there's more to life than sex.

Would you, as a gesture...

of bringing us together, marry her?

There are other ways of doing that
than marriage.

What if she was a bit fitter?
Would you consider marrying her then?

I am considering marriage not at all.

People out there see people
who is meant to be religious

behaving in an unreligious way.

Ain't it hypocriticalist that so many nuns
also work part-time as strippers?

Well, I don't think you can
demonstrate that statistically.

- Yo...
- That's an absurd statement.

No, it ain't. I has been at my mate
Ricky C's 21 st

and there was this nun that came in

and ten minutes later
she had her babylons out

and was whipping shaving cream
off his batty.

You said so many nuns work
as strippers and then you say this one.

She said her name was Sister Fister.

Was it part of her act
or really who she was?

I would prefer that you move off
this topic because I find it offensive.

It's not documented by any evidence.

- I has got a video of it.
- It's hearsay. It's hearsay.

Yo, so me just wanna say
big up all yourselves, respect.

This has been well interesting.

It's been deep, it's been everything,
at times it has been boring.

But that's life, innit? And that's deep.

Keep it real.

And you lot out there,
listen up to what has been said

and think about it for yourself.

'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.'

(# Fast techno)

Vassup?

Being gay is the new coolest thing

so that's why I've come
to the gayest part of America,

Alabama!

# Go, Alabama!

# Go! Go! Go, Alabama!

# Go! Go! Go, Alabama! #

All right.

(Jeering)

(Crowd booing)

You're embarrassing all 85,000
people here! Get off our field!

I'm just dancing!

Jetzt bin ich hier...
What's your name?

- What?
- What's your name?

Shaud Williams.

Great. Shite?

Shaud.

- Shaud?
- Shaud Williams.

Shaud. So Shaudie,
what position do you play?

I play running back.

So what do you say to the people

who see you are so powerful
in your physique,

have powerful thighs
and pectoral muscles,

and wonder what your
Schwanzenstück is like?

Uh, I don't know.
I've never been put in that situation.

Are you allowed to date
other members of the team

or do you have to wait
till the season is over?

What? No, there's nobody
on the team like that.

So you must realise that you
have many fans out in Austria.

They just would do anything
to spend the night with you.

What do you say to those guys?

I'm not gay so I'm not gonna spend
any night with any guy, so...

So do you have a message
to Austria's gay community?

Yeah, I'm not gay,
so don't come looking for me.

What does freedom mean to you?

Freedom means being able to do
and say what you want

without government looking over you,
without its hand in your pocket,

- the Jewish hand in your pocket.
- Yes. Juden.

- Now in Austria, the government is run...
- By Jews.

Freedom in Austria is a lot about

being able to walk down
the street with my boyfriend,

just holding hands
without people staring at us.

Is that what you're campaigning for?

I'm not too hot on your right
to hold hands with your boyfriend

but what you do in your home,

as long as you stay away
from my kids,

I have no problem with what you do.

You try to recruit my kids in any way,

then you would have a problem with me.

So, Clay, you've got a very manly look.

- When did you get to be so cute?
- When I was born.

You are so good-looking
and don't you know it?

I like women. Thank you, anyway.

- So you are bi?
- No, I'm not bi. And I'm not gay.

And if you're going to speak
on that subject, you can take a hike.

You're not my type.

Is it because I'm too fat?

- No.
- But is it what I...?

- I've been jetlagged, I look...
- Interview's over.

You wanna be a professional, be one,
don't be some fucking fag.

Me has got one other request
which me would love you to do.

Me wanna get all, like, respected people

to do two lines of a rap.
So I has written something like that.

"Word up, me name be James Lipton..."
I spelt it wrong.

"Givin' mad props..."
You know mad props is? Respect.

- Yeah, I know.
- "...mad props to Shakespeare.

"Check it, just cos you like acting..."
That's to them out there.

"...it don't mean you is a queer."

No. I'm gonna do another one.

(Beatboxing)

# Yo, you out there, now listen to me!

# Just do like me and my bro the MC

# Think my friends, consider, reflect

# Give mad props to the world

# Translation - respect #

Ch-ch-chk! Fresh!