Original subtitles

COINCOIN AND THE ALIENS EPISODE 1 - DARK IS DARK

Coincoin!

No!

You're starting to get on my nerves!

You're never gonna quit!

I've had enough!

You're a nuisance to everybody!

Coincoin, I'm gonna get you!

I already told you you can't do that!

You're pissing off the world!

Look at this work!

Look at Uncle Dany!

Oh, for God's sake!

But I had nothing to do with it!

Okay, Dany?

Shit!

Coincoin, you're pissing off the world, I'm sick of it!

Dammit!

No, Dany!

Stop it!

You're a shitshow!

What the hell is this thing?

It's not cow dung, though.

How would it have shit all this?

It's really disgusting. It stinks too.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. You?

Shall we go?

Why are you looking at me like that, Carpentier?

You're starting to get on my nerves with your thing.

What the hell is going on?

Failure to give way!

What's the traffic rules here?

Get out of the vehicle!

And let's get a move on!

Is my little Coincoin acting up again?

Who got their license from a cereal box, that you, Coincoin?

No license, sir.

And no license.

You drive without it.

Who's this?

It's me, sir.

It's good to confess, sir.

Miss.

This is not possible.

This is unbelievable.

You're clueless.

Oh, my God.

It's okay this time.

Get out of here.

Give way to the right.

Let's go, Carpentier.

Did you see that, Carpentier?

I'd bet my life it was a man.

That's for sure.

It's the modern world, Carpentier.

The internet and all that.

Come on, let's go.

You must be excited to do all this shit, right?

What's the matter, you too good for this now?

What the fuck are you doing with this machine?

You're crazy, talking to me like that.

I love Corinne, don't you understand that?

Coincoin.

Hi, Coincoin.

You good, big guy?

I'm all right. What are you doing?

Nothing and you?

Nothing, I'm driving.

Go ahead, big guy.

Later.

POLICE

Come on, Carpentier.

It's not human, Captain.

An animal?

No.

-Is it a plant, then? -No.

If it's not human,

if it's not a plant, if it's not an animal,

it's not natural.

Right, Captain?

What the hell is going on here?

Can't tell what it is.

That's normal, if it's not from this planet.

Did it fall out of the sky or something?

Look, there's no prints around it.

It's a puddle.

A shit puddle, dung.

Come on, let's go.

I can't investigate if it's not human.

It's a living body, Captain.

Dead. But alive before it died.

We're going to take the bull by the horns

and you call forensics for me.

You send a sample to see what's in it.

Now?

-Yes. -All right.

Hello, this is Carpentier.

We're gonna send you a body.

Not too human.

Yes.

No.

No.

No.

You're getting warmer.

No.

You're getting colder.

You're really hot.

Carpentier, are you serious?

Warm... What?

You're messing with forensics.

Playing guessing games?

Excuse me, Captain.

Here's the prosecutor.

Well, well, Van der Weyden.

We found a non-human body, Mr. Prosecutor.

Are you going jogging now?

A non-human body!

-No, it's a puddle. -A puddle!

In any case, it's not human.

It's not from here, a foreign body.

It's huge, Captain.

-Huge. -That's for sure.

It's straight from the sky.

Impressive.

Very impressive, Van der Weyden.

As far as I'm concerned, Prosecutor,

it's from the sky.

It came from the sky?

So, Captain, this is a matter of national security.

Red alert.

Red, are you sure?

Captain, red is red.

-Red! -Let's go.

See you soon, Captain.

Damn it, Carpentier, red is red.

National security!

Come on, let's go.

Can I ask what you are doing back there, Captain?

Well...

It smells...

This whole thing stinks like hell.

I need to think about it.

Start the car.

What the hell, Carpentier?

What the hell is going on?

Come here, Carpentier!

What is that?

Are you an acrobat?

And in front of the prosecutor, what's with you?

-Come here. -No.

Come here, I said!

No.

-Come on! -No.

-No, no. -What?

-Come here, I said! -No.

No.

Come here.

No.

Come on!

Fuck!

Son of a bitch!

So...

Sir, look at this.

What's going on?

I got hit on the head with a tile.

Show me.

Look.

I have a bump and I'm bleeding.

Now, there's a lot of blood.

Oh, my God.

I feel bad.

Oh, my God.

Sir, you're all white. Come sit down.

Sit down.

What's wrong with me, Coincoin?

It must be shit, right?

Take a good look.

Help, I'm freaking out.

I'm panicking, Coincoin.

Well...

Is it blood?

No, it must be shit.

What is it?

Is it blood?

No, it's not blood.

-It's not blood. -No, look

at the colors.

It's black blood.

But there's no such thing as black blood.

It's black blood, Coincoin.

No.

No, it's dung or something.

It's not blood.

I saw the same thing this morning.

Well, you...

you take me...

to the sacristy. You take me there.

I'm going to change pants.

FORENSICS

Are you crazy?

Wow.

It smells bad!

Did you see that, Carpentier?

The cement.

The wind turbines, you saw them?

Captain.

Captain, a fisherman warned us.

More sediment outside the biosphere, Captain.

-What? -An apax.

What's "apax"?

I don't know, Captain.

-It's something not from here? -Affirmative, sir.

So, sir...

what did you see?

I was fishing

and I heard something fall behind me, that thing.

Were you fishing like this?

You heard something, you turned around.

And you saw this thing?

No.

What do you mean, no?

It was dark, sir.

It was dark?

I only saw the stain in the morning.

Are you sure?

Are you sure you weren't a little tipsy?

No, sir.

-Didn't see anything? -No, it was dark.

Dark is dark.

What did you think of this guy?

He seems drunk to me.

To spend the night here, it's weird.

I think this thing fell in the night.

It fell from the sky.

That's for sure.

It's not human, Captain.

It's not alien, is it?

Affirmative, Lieutenant.

What?

Come and see here.

I can't believe it, Captain. It's like this morning, but bubbling.

Did you see that, Carpentier?

Stop being a smart alec.

Let's go.

I fell!

Captain, I fell!

Get out of there! You've got no business being in the water!

Captain!

I fell.

Get out of it, Carpentier!

I'm floating away!

Captain!

Come on!

Captain!

I fell, I slipped!

When the family comes to gather

you present Christ our Lord

like that.

Here, take the pole.

And you kiss. That's it.

Like this?

No.

Look.

Look.

And I represent Christ...

our Lord.

A little kiss

for the Lord Jesus Christ.

The Lord's Christ.

Come on, a little kiss.

Little kiss.

Show me.

Come on.

-They gather. -That's it.

I present it to them.

-You present it to them. -I kiss.

Are you making fun of me?

No, they kiss it like that.

Be careful.

Coincoin, watch me.

Stop it.

Stop.

You can never do that.

Get out of here.

I'm taking Christ back.

Get out.

Go on.

Get the hell out.

Pain in the ass.

Incredible.

Coincoin, you're sick!

Is he fucking high? He was this close to running us over, bastard.

He does that again, I swear I'll kick his ass.

Coincoin, you drive without a license, aren't you afraid?

It's fine here.

-It's a quiet place. -It's a quiet place?

Hello, is the political meeting here?

Who are you, ladies and gentlemen?

We are journalists.

Sorry, it's private.

It's a public meeting, isn't it?

In preparation for the elections.

It's a public and private meeting, ma'am.

But come one, you can let us in, can't you?

Voters have a right to know.

Ma'am, it's private, as we told you.

Only guests can come in.

Nothing against you,

but we can't let you in.

Private is private.

If we can't do our job...

Thank you for your kindness, boys.

Here, big guy.

And so elegantly too.

Shit-flies.

Coincoin, if you had disabled me, I would have made you pay.

She's getting on my nerves, that bitch.

They have to show their card to get in.

Who cares, we know them.

We're not going to ask someone we know for the card.

We have to do our job, Coincoin.

Our job is to check the ones we don't know.

That's all.

-I'll take care of everything for... -Okay, thank you.

How was it, guys?

I'll explain everything to you. Two guys tried to get in

with expired cards,

so, I didn't let them in.

Then, a journalist with a cameraman came.

They tried to get in, but I told them they could not come in.

However, I would've liked to let her in to get her number.

Show some respect for people!

She had a nice little ass.

Is he serious?

Stop it.

Anyway, the journalist came, like,

she was a little...

she was a little upset.

-She wanted to come in? -Yeah, at any cost.

We told her it was public,

but private, there were guests and all.

And that, as a result...

we didn't let her in.

Thanks, cool, you remembered to not let people in

and it went well. I am delighted with your efficiency.

I'll see you next time.

Thank you!

So, ladies,

we're hitchhiking,

right?

Are you Coincoin's girlfriends?

A little couple, right?

What are you doing alone in the road there?

You're gonna light a fire there with your legs.

Oh, my God.

Beware of solicitation.

I'm kidding.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Get in, we'll take you back.

You have to be careful, though,

to not wander the roads.

We're not, sir, we're going home.

But from the road, you can't tell.

You know you're going home,

but it's not marked on your forehead.

No car will know that, you understand?

That's why we're picking you up.

It's for your safety.

A man, you know

is like an animal. He's got instincts, fangs.

And we

in the police

have a delicate situation on our hands.

It's a matter of precaution, you know.

It's the precautionary principle.

Absolutely, Captain.

It's like they say. Better too cautious than not enough.

Speak of the devil...

Idiot!

You see, Carpentier,

we're not allowed to pick up hitchhikers, but there you go,

we do it anyway.

We are not allowed because we are the national police force,

but we do it anyway to protect them a little.

It's still complicated.

That's for sure.

It's a bit of a balance.

We are part of the police,

but our role is still to protect.

Right?

You have to know how to balance.

It's like those women.

Homosexuals.

You have to know how to balance.

You understand, Carpentier?

Well, yeah.

I can't see anything!

Fuck!

What's this shit now?

It's another alien thing, sir.

Look.

These bugs are starting to get on my nerves.

We weren't even done with those dykes and now this.

Yeah!

It was a kid driving, sir.

Coincoin, what the hell are you doing?

You're driving on the roof!

I almost got caught by the police.

You're nuts to drive without a license!

All young people drive without a license.

And without insurance, for all we know!

It's no use.

With you, everything is useless!

Nothing's good for anything!

Honestly, Coincoin, I don't know what to do with you!

Really!

Now, you're not leaving here anymore!

Dany, where is he? He was in the courtyard.

I don't know.

It's not me, I didn't do anything.

Coincoin, enough! I'm tired of your bullshit!

But he's the one who slipped under the car.

Come on, Dany, let's go home.

Dany, he made a dent.

Dad, I got pissed off.

Coincoin, are you done being a smart alec?

Dammit.

I'm gonna tell you,

the oil goes in the motor, not on your head.

I'm going to the mailman.

It stinks.

NATIONAL POLICE

My vehicle was there, sir.

And it disappeared like that, sir.

I'm here.

You're dressed for the carnival.

It must be in your garage, sir.

It's impossible, it disappeared.

Your wife says you got back late after the carnival.

You put the car in the garage,

and you went to bed.

That's not possible, sir, since I didn't go home.

I'm still in my drum major outfit. Look.

I don't have a car. I came directly here to the police

to report the theft.

Who was in your bed with your wife then?

If it's not you, it's not the Pope anyway.

Right, Carpentier?

The human, Carpentier.

The human.

-People are really crazy. -Sure, Captain.

With our job,

as I always say, we stick our hands in it.

You don't have to be a writer.

The national police is already Marcel Proust.

Don't go overboard.

I haven't read all the books,

but in the books, there are some clarifications.

Captain!

It's alive!

It's alive!

It's alive!

Calm down!

The mass we discovered

is alive!

Open your visor.

The mass we found at the construction site

is alive.

-Alive how? -Alive alive.

You hear that, Carpentier?

Alive?

Well...

that would confirm extraterrestrial life.

Slow down.

Slow down, Carpentier. Let's not put the horse

before the cart.

What did you say to forensics?

Well, that...

Is that alien life or not?

Gotta meet halfway.

It's alive, that's for sure.

It's not...

It's not...

It's not...

of...

of...

It's...

It's not... either.

If it's alive alive, it's not a being

like us, right?

It's a cow pat.

It's an alien life form, sir.

They're probably different from terrestrial ones.

What are you saying, Carpentier? I don't understand you at all.

Here's something else.

Aliens.

Black holes, Carpentier.

What does he want?

This is the national police, boss!

Have your papers, boss?

He's undocumented, Captain.

Undocumented. He has no papers, maybe,

right, sir?

-Sir. -Papiere!

-Papiere! -You have your papers?

What the hell is this, Carpentier?

Papiere!

What do you think, Forensics?

Of what, sir?

Of those people.

They're not like aliens, maybe?

They're humans, Captain.

Alive alive?

It's all the same, sir.

Living, that is not from here.

Come on, Carpentier, let's go.

The human, Carpentier.

The human.

-People are really crazy. -Sure, Captain.

You all right, Maurice?

What are you doing here? I thought you were at the firm.

What are you talking about?

I'm taking the car or are you taking a picture of it?

You sure I brought the car back last night?

Well, gee, Maurice,

who parked the car

in the garage?

All right.

Gee, Maurice, you flush the toilet from the garage?

You're going to fix this 'cause it's starting to look good.

The car, the chicks who come by,

the immigrants... you need to fix the flush.

Lazy bastard!

Come on.

Maurice, I'm getting tired of this!

I think I'm going to ask for a divorce

and that way, it'll be better!

I'm getting tired of this!

That's enough!

Your chicks.

Everything and the toilet is not fixed.

It's starting to look good!

You're going to fix all this because otherwise

I'm getting a divorce. I'm getting tired of this!

Sick of all your bullshit!

The flush!

How are you?

Did you get your vehicle back?

Because your garage is empty right now.

So, did you have a stroke or something?

Carpentier, did I say something wrong, maybe?

Maybe he's drunk.

I think he's having a stroke.

A little vessel that blows out, you know...

It's like my brother-in-law, in two seconds, chips.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

Damn.

He didn't even know he was my brother-in-law anymore.

Neither does he.

The brain is full of cables,

and they give out.

That's life.

That's an automatic door, Carpentier.

-An automatic door? -The garage door.

Just like that.

Just like that.

Let's go, we'll follow this gang of aliens.

We'll see where their planet is.

-We're going to go there? -Yes.

TO BE CONTINUED...

You okay? Been waiting for you an hour.

Are you my girl?

Did we have a stroke here or what?

There was one Dany, now two.

Subtitling: Hiventy