Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

August 21, 1996.

His name is Cecil Stevens.

Yeah, that's him.

He like basketball, Ninja Turtles, Creepy Crawlers,

and this whole thing is kind of about him.

I mean, if you don't count the real star.

Tim, it's gross, it's unhygienic.

Not to mention, I stepped on one the other day.

I had to dig it out of my...

Lorrie, maybe if you spent less time worrying

about my toenails and more time,

are you standing there with the refrigerator door open?

Am I the only here that cares about the electricity bill?

They're, um, how do I put this, crazy.

Did you put a toenail?

How does that feel, baby?

The toenails in the food,

that's too far.

But the lights have been on for 20 minutes,

the electricity bill!

Very mature, Lorrie, very mature.

I think it's time Cecil and I go stay

with grandma Peggy for a while.

What?

But Cecil starts school in like two days.

I'm transferring him over.

So you know how when bad things happen

people say, you never know,

this may be the best thing that ever happened to you?

Yeah, yeah this isn't one of those times.

Fire!

Ah!

Are you kidding me right now?

Retreat!

My glasses!

I can't see, I can't see.

Oh no!

Just kidding.

Bonjour.

Well I see you two already met.

Hey Grandma!

Oh, for Pete's sake, oh.

You have become a giant, Cecil.

A giant wet swamp monster!

Hey mom.

Thank you for letting us stay.

Don't ask.

Hi there.

The name's Abby.

The neighborhood rugrat and my partner in crime.

Okay, hello there Abby.

And Cecil, I'm very,

I'm very proud of you.

For what?

Thinks she's got a severe case of the grownups.

Well, I was just leaving.

Nice to meet you, Cecil.

Bye.

I saw you checking her out.

What, no, mmm-mmm.

I saw you, Cecil.

Seven p.m., quiet.

The mother Lorrie looks disheveled.

Could be suffering from constipation.

Ah, it hit my eye!

Oh crap.

Just kidding.

You learn fast, grasshopper.

Oh gosh, it's George.

Who's George?

Fifth graders.

Still riding the bus, glasses?

What do you want, George?

Can't we just have small talk?

Who's the new guy?

I'm Theethil Thtevens.

What?

Thethil Thtevens?

Hey I have bad hearing.

Say that again in my good ear.

Thethil.

This is Thethil Thevens ith it?

What up weefle weefens?

Tom Stupidface!

Charlie, that doesn't work.

Learn how to...

Why don't you shut it?

Whoah, whoah, not only are these my brand new

school clothes, but tearing apart that bush

is bad for the environment.

Not to mention the property value.

Charlie, just get out of here.

Later, glasses.

Later purple shirt on a bike.

If that run-in with George of the jungle

and his gorillas is any indication,

you need to work on you coolness factor.

It's a kid eat kid world out there.

Never sit in the front of the bus.

Why?

Well the further up you sit,

the less popular you are.

The further back you sit, the cooler you are.

I sit all the way in row 13.

You see that kid, that's Chandler.

He sat in the middle of the bus

until one day, Zach shot a spit wad in his ear.

He couldn't hear for a week.

The bell would ring and he would just sit there.

Everyone thought it was hilarious.

Now he sits in the front.

Dang, who's Zach?

Oh.

I think his dad's a professional boxer or something.

Hey, he looks familiar.

Hey, what's your name?

Uh, I'm, I'm

I'm having a good day.

Okay, good for you.

Listen Cecil, if you wanna survive the fourth grade,

you can't say your name.

Until when?

Forever.

So you get to go to your locker once a day

unless you run full speed there and back.

Do not get caught in the hall without a hall pass

unless it's Mr. Finnegan.

He'll let it slide unless it's Fridays.

He has to pick up his kids on Fridays

and sometimes he gets a bit uptight.

Oh, if you're late to school,

it's not counted as a tardy if you talk

to Ms. Lewis in admin.

Throw in a cough in with your excuse,

she'll let you slide every time.

Her kid has asthma.

Oh, never eat the brownie surprise.

Why, I like brownies.

Uh-uh.

You'll poop your pants in 10 seconds flat.

Trust me, they started serving them late last year

and the food's never been the same since.

The bathrooms either.

So how do you know all this?

I am the head writer of the school newspaper.

It's my job to know it all.

Ab!

I mean Miss Abby, big news.

I can't believe, changes, budgets.

You're on record.

They're making budget cuts.

Cross country, math club, debate team,

even our mascot Little Hercules, everything is gone!

Newspaper?

Is the newspaper gone?

Not yet.

So what's wrong?

This paper, it's our livelihood.

Have you been living under a rock or something?

In the wake of drastic budget cuts,

only the cornerstone of journalism can survive.

But the question is, for how long?

So who are you?

A boy man guy?

He's new and he demands his privacy, Martha.

Let's go.

Listen Cecil.

This is the story of the year, I mean.

Even the mascot?

And the question is why,

it couldn't even have saved that much.

Just to imagine Little Hercules

cast off at the pound.

Hey new kid, I'm Joel, what's up?

Hey there, I'm...

Leave him alone!

Cecil, lay low.

Okay.

If anyone asks who you are,

you say um,

Say it with a British accent.

It'll mask the lisp.

Okay.

Ello there, I'm Cecil Stevens...

No no no no, no.

Uh, new plan.

Don't say anything at all.

Perfect.

Attention!

Boys and girls, welcome to the fourth grade!

My class has been chosen to use a brand new learning plan

based on the hit TV show "The Magic Boxcar"!

You'll be able to let your imaginations go wild!

Down through the jungles of Africa.

All the way up to the the bioluminescent bays

of Puerto Rico!

Ole, everybody!

All aboard!

What are we doing today, Miss Busy Biz?

Oh you know.

Field trip!

♪ Rocking on the boxcar

♪ Busy Biz is on the way

♪ Learning on the boxcar

♪ Yeah makes school okay

Don't drive in there!

♪ Blasting to the moon

♪ Blasting to the sun

♪ Education on TV is totally fun ♪

♪ The magic boxcar

Miss Busy Biz, slow down, please!

♪ Magic boxcar

No, stop!

♪ Magic boxcar

Have you been drinking?

No way!

♪ Magic boxcar

Yo kid, grab your friend and get onboard!

Pack your lunch!

A note from the office!

Something's up!

In my line of work, you gotta be proactive.

Well, well, well.

You must be Abby.

Oh I've heard about you.

It looks like, we have a young go-getter on our hands.

Girl power!

Oh, it's a hall pass for you and Cleo.

Apparently, you have speech class.

Remember.

Rabbit.

Wabbit.

No.

Rah, rah, rabbit.

Wah-bit.

Good.

Here, have a treat.

Cecil Stevens, are you ready?

Okay Cecil.

You're going to have to talk.

We're going to learn to speak properly.

Sasquatch.

Sasquatch.

Sasquatch.

Sasquatch.

Sasquatch.

Oh, we've got a runner!

What?

What did you hear?!

What did you hear?

To the office.

Get into the office.

Get in the office!

Principal Bloom!

I see you've found our mute.

Mute?

Well let's keep it that way.

Oh I don't think so.

Come on, young man.

Are you trying to get yourself expelled?

What did I tell you?

Lay low.

And did I saw lay low and look in the principal's door?

Maybe we can use this whole mute thing

to our advantage.

My next newspaper article is called

"If You Could Be Anyone".

So?

So if you could be anyone, who would you be?

Uh, ninja turtle!

Or a,

power ranger!

I was kinda thinking someone who didn't talk.

Like the Pink Panther.

Uh, er.

Basketball tryouts, let's go.

I don't know.

I think I like the ninja turtles.

I'll see you after practice.

Here?

Peggy's picking me up too.

I have the newspaper club.

Cool.

I love that newspaper.

Thanks.

Gentlemen, this is it.

The day of reckoning.

This is where we separate the men from the boys.

The Larry Birds from the Harry Nerds.

The Dennis Rodmans from the Blemish Problems.

The Kareem Abdul Jabbars from the,

well you get the picture.

One or two of you punks might play college ball.

None of you will play in the National Basketball League.

But if you want to be a contender,

you gotta have your game.

Dunk it baby, dunk it!

Take it to the rim or take your prepubescent butt home!

Some of you will be cut today.

But do not be deterred.

Michael Jordan was actually cut.

That's right, I'm talking about MJ.

On the line!

You.

Zach Jones.

Made it!

Woo, yeah!

You.

Stuart Spears.

Cut!

You.

Max McCourty.

Max McCourty, made it!

Yes!

You, cut!

You.

Uh, I'm.

I'm, I'm,

I'm Michael Jordan!

Woo!

Jordan!

Oh, he dunnked it!

Woo!

Hey wait, where'd he go?

You the man, Mike.

Yeah, that's what's up!

MJ in the house!

Hoping you show us some of that in the game, MJ!

Jiminy Christmas, Cecil, you did what?

Abby said, if I could be anyone.

But why do you want to change it?

It was your great Uncle Cecil's.

He can't say his own name.

It is social suicide.

So you like my new name?

Actually, I do.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Jordan.

Honey you can't just say your name

is something it's not.

Really?

Crap but, but Candace's mom changes her last name

all the time.

You really want to change your name?

For good?

'Cause I might know a place where we can go.

You can change your name at the Horsey Orsey?

Awesome!

Oh yeah.

This is name change central.

You'll need this.

Now better go stand in line,

I'm gonna go talk to Sarah.

Sometimes when Peggy lets me help her at work

and it's just me and her,

we eat all the ice cream!

Uh oh.

Well, which one of you is Cecil?

You want to change your name, honey?

Yes.

Right, well.

If you would just write the new name right here

on this line.

Okay, let me just type this into my

super secret supercomputer.

For Pete's sake.

Where did you learn how to spell?

And you can't put numbers in your name.

Aren't they precious?

So school was crazy.

I have a cool teacher who loves the Magic Boxcar.

This chicken's pretty good

for something out of a box.

You know, I thought we were taking some time apart.

It's his first day of school, Lorrie.

I wanted to be here for you, you okay with that?

You're confusing Cecil.

Confused?

Then you are confusing your son.

Confused?

Confused, he's confused!

I'm actually, Michael Jordan.

What?

See, your son is so confused.

Great, here comes the waterworks, great.

You monster!

Well, Michael.

What do you say, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh yeah.

All aboard!

What are we doing today, Miss Busy Biz?

Oh you know.

Field trip!

♪ Rocking on the boxcar

♪ Busy Biz is on the way

♪ Learning on the boxcar

♪ Yeah makes school okay

Don't drive in there!

♪ Blasting to the moon

♪ Education on TV is totally fun ♪

♪ The magic boxcar

Miss Busy Biz, slow down please!

Class!

Guess what time it is!

Field trip!

Where are we going, Miss Baker?

Inside your body!

But if I'm here, how can we go inside me?

Science fiction!

Let's fix this problem so you can talk and sing.

I know what he can sing.

Cecil sold seashells by the seashore.

What, guys, no, no, that's not my name.

Cecil, Cecil.

No, guys, guys!

No, no, no guys!

Guys!

Cecil, Cecil, Cecil, Cecil!

Rodriguez, do not put the bones in your mouth,

that's disgusting.

You're disgusting!

You're so good with them.

Well, it's all about the discipline.

Yo Mike, you need to show me that hook shot later.

Word up!

Yo MJ.

You just, that's Zach!

This whole popularity thing can really help us out.

I mean sponsorships, interviews, favors?

We could own this school!

That would cost like a thousand dollars.

Quiet, Martha, it's an expression.

Hey Michael, I never got to introduce myself.

I'm Chelsea.

Oh hey.

I'm Abby and this is Martha.

She's the assistant and I'm more of the head...

Do you want to sit with me at lunch today, Michael?

Okay.

Great, see you then.

Bye.

Holy moly, a Chelsea Walters lunch date?

She's a total betty.

You get in with Chelsea Walters, and Zach,

and all three of us, we become instantaneously popular.

We've got some work to do.

Cecil Stevens?

Uh oh, move, we gotta move!

Code Red, Martha I said code red!

Cecil Stevens?

Cecil Stevens?

I'll post up kids on both sides of the slide.

Cecil Stevens!

Hey Miss Reichart.

I think he went home sick today.

What?

Fine!

Guys, what was that about?

Cecil, let's go!

Miss Baker, you are looking smashing today.

Has anyone told you that?

Why thank you.

And what can I do for you today, Abby?

Can't a classy lady just talk to another

kind of crazy lady?

Well I guess.

So basically my friend has changed his name

to Michael Jordan.

What?

Jordan, woohoo!

Yeah.

Anyways, a few teachers,

and I'm not trying to point any fingers.

Reichart.

Seem to still be calling him by his old crappy name.

I see.

The problem is, that all the official names

are run through the student computer database.

And that is run through the principal's office.

So I'm afraid if that's what your name is in there,

that's what we have to call you.

Thank you Miss Baker.

You know I've really been enjoying your class.

Really?

Thank you, 'cause I am so excited to be teaching it.

- Bye. - Bye.

Just when everything was going great.

We'll handle that later.

We've got to get you ready for your lunch date.

Tell her she's a good writer.

Good writer.

Oh, and tell her that she's a total betty.

And not like an as if betty,

like a girl next door betty.

And make sure to tell her you love Full House.

Full House.

Godspeed.

You're such a good writer.

What?

Um, your writing is good?

Okay, I don't really like writing.

I like magazines though.

I think you're a betty but not an as if betty,

but more like girl next door betty.

I told you that my name's Chelsea, not Betty.

Oh yeah, of course.

Do you like Full House?

I love Full House!

You totally remind me of Jessie.

Booyah!

You did great!

Phenomenal!

Quiet, Martha.

Hey, we're gonna go to our lockers.

We'll catch up with you later.

Copy that.

I thought you said we didn't have time

to go to our locker.

We're not going to our lockers.

We're going to the principal's office.

What?

No way.

You are so close, Cecil.

The next time the speech teacher walks into the classroom

and calls your name, you'll be done, kaput, finito!

We've gotta do this.

Hey, is that, someone's ripping up the school newspaper!

Please run the play!

Oh, what?

What, hey, break it up!

I said break it up!

Everybody up, bring it in, bring it in!

Gentlemen, you've got to run the plays.

Just like sometimes in life

you've gotta do things that you're not used to

and you gotta do them well.

Even though this thing might be something

that's considered against the rules.

Just put your faith in it

and you do it.

And you'll learn that it's beautiful

and it can change your life forever!

Yeah, let's get it on!

Yeah!

Whoa, yeah right.

Yeah, let's go, let's go.

B team up, B team up.

Oh, what are we doing?!

Article, and we need somebody else

to write another article.

Uh huh?

I'm in.

Yes!

Sorry guys, meeting's over.

It's locked!

I'm breaking in.

Let's make this quick.

So, we just need access to the password database

and then we should be able to do the rest

in any computer in the building.

Ooh, Minesweeper, let's play a game!

Okay.

Oh.

Okay.

So we just need to bypass the mainframe

and the password should come up in no time.

Hurry!

We'll have to go, come on!

Go, come on!

ExtraStuffing is the password?

Principal Bloom.

Now Jimmy I,

You told me a lot of things, Bloom.

I told you it takes time.

It has to be casual.

Just need a little time.

Oh, look.

This poor vermint.

Did you give him time, Bloom?

Stay serious!

Shh, shh, what's that, huh?

The money, Friday, hmm?

It's not gonna be enough.

Not enough?

Not enough time?

Not enough time?

No!

No!

Mr. Chomp Chomp!

Friday.

I'm a loan shark Bloom, and you're swimming

in deep waters with that 20,000 you borrowed.

You pay me back or Mr. Chippity Chomp Chomp

Chip Chomp Chomp Chomp here

won't be the only thing that's chomping it.

What did you buy, Bloom?

I'll pay you back, just leave us alone!

We're gonna take care of this.

Let's go home, little buddy.

Let's go home.

I'm gonna fix you.

We've got to get out of here!

Wait, it's, it's worse than I thought.

Let's go, come on!

We've got to go!

Hercules's favorite toy.

Who cares about the mascot?

Come on!

Michael Jordan speaking.

The newspaper canceled, why?

This is major news, Michael.

But there won't be any newspaper to report it!

The principal, he's in some deep doodoo.

And it stinks.

From what I hear.

Listen, it's obvious the principal's stealing the funds

but the question is, for what?

Maybe he needs a new name.

Not everyone needs a new name like you, MJ.

Except for Martha.

And Paul Karkowski, he needs a new one.

Anyways, the security of our school newspaper

is at risk here.

I've got it!

What if we sold names?

You're a genius, Michael.

Not that genius.

We can use the principal's password

to access the student database

and sell everyone new names!

I wanna be Kelly Kapowski.

Sold.

The money we make, we can start our own newspaper!

But I thought you had to change it

at the Horsey Orsey!

I can transfer the names when I go to work with Peggy.

Okay, let's do it!

♪ Rolling down the street in my big wheel ♪

♪ Told me got your keychain

♪ Just keeping it real

♪ Posting on the block selling lemonade ♪

♪ No change with your order 'cause I'm trying to get paid ♪

♪ Walkman on my head, you can tell that I'm made ♪

♪ Headphones sit pretty on that number three fade ♪

♪ Coins like Mario I jump the best ♪

♪ I'm fast and you're slow like VHS ♪

♪ I don't mind watching Land Before Time ♪

♪ Bring the orange soda in, we'll be feeling fine ♪

♪ Teachers on my case don't drop a dime ♪

♪ No detention they believe but I don't mind ♪

♪ Now I'm riding the bus

♪ Now I'm riding my bike

♪ Got a girl on my pegs and she's hanging on tight ♪

♪ And she already knows that I'm the man ♪

♪ If she don't come asking who I am ♪

♪ What's your name, who you with ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Where do you ride and where do you sit ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Where do you floss and where do you dip ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Hey, I never caught your name ♪

Not enough, Bloom.

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ What's your name, who you with ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Where do you ride and where do you sit ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Where do you floss and where do you dip ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Haha

♪ I'm not mopping the floor, I'm an entrepreneur ♪

♪ When it's popping for sure, you can stop in the door ♪

♪ When you ask me my title

♪ I'm gonna play it on vinyl

♪ No I'm smooth on the groove

♪ 'cause this ain't a recital

♪ Spend 10 bucks, make 50 more

♪ Three friends coming over playing 64 ♪

♪ Four controllers playing Goldeneye ♪

♪ Never getting older, bumping do or die ♪

♪ And when I grow up you're gonna know my name ♪

♪ No cat got my tongue, no novocaine ♪

♪ No challenge to beat, always overcame ♪

♪ No growing pains till we making gains ♪

♪ What's your name, you don't have to tell me ♪

♪ You can be anybody that you wanna be ♪

♪ So what's it gonna be, are you gonna flee ♪

♪ Live down the side, and tell me what do you see ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

Bill Clinton.

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

Hanson!

Tupac!

And Michael Jordan!

What?

I could have sworn I canceled the newspaper.

Someone else must have paid for this.

Who are you even talking to?

Uh, no one, I just, uh,

I'm just thinking out loud.

Menacingly.

So looks like we have an Abby Jennings

and a Cecil Stevens.

You two sure have been busy.

I was going to...

Not only have you managed to access my personal password,

but I think you've managed to start quite

a little business venture.

That's right, food sales have been down.

So, where's all the lunch money?

I'm sorry!

Ah, ah, ah, young go-getters like you,

you sure impress me.

Punishment shouldn't be the only answer

to a problem like this.

No.

The way I see it, there's no rules broken here.

Long as we can come up to an agreement.

An agreement?

I'll let you sell names in my school

and in return I'm thanked with

80% of the profit.

80%, that's ridiculous!

You're ridiculous if you think you have a choice!

I'll give you so many detentions

you'll think the breakfast club is like daycare!

80% and nothing less.

Starting tomorrow, we're gonna expand the business

into the first grade,

the second grade,

the third grade,

the whole school!

Now get out there and sell me some names!

Listen, this meeting of Name your Name

has been called under dire circumstances.

I filled Martha in on the way over.

Question.

I was under the impression that we were gonna have popcorn.

Get your head in the game!

We'll have that later.

Okay.

So listen.

We have no option but to give Principal Bloom

a cut of our money!

But as long as our business expands properly,

we'll have plenty of money to keep the newspaper going.

So, if we follow these instructions,

the newspaper continues, the principal stay happy

and we'll, we stay cool.

Like ice, Vanilla Ice.

But guys, the principal.

What if that Jimmy guy comes for us?

Stop scaring Martha!

We just need to play ball and keep the newspaper going.

We haven't been this cool since,

Never.

We've been cool, Martha.

We just, listen,

I think I'm on to my next story.

I think the principal did something horrible to Hercules!

No, our little pooch mascot!

What, where'd you get that?

Listen, we can't let the principal know we're on to him.

We can't tell a soul!

Let's make some cheddar.

Ching cha-ching!

Cha-ching, cha-ching, ching ching ching!

Go Zach, go Zach, go Zach, go Zach,

go Zach, go Zach, go Zach, go Zach.

Ooh!

Of course he's awesome, he's Michael Jordan!

I mean, if I was Michael Jordan, right,

I'd be all like slam!

Right?

We're running out of names.

I want that name.

No way.

Not even for 500 dollars?

Uh.

No way, I can't do it, nope.

I'm Michael Jordan.

But he's offering 500 bones!

Our newspaper needs this.

Yeah.

Michael, walk with me to class.

Hey baby, one second.

Hey baby?

Listen, soon enough, you'll be so popular

that you won't even need...

You're not selling my name to Zach.

Chelsea might break up with me.

Yeah, but there are plenty of other names.

Sure, Chelsea likes the name Michael

but there are plenty of other girls.

Yeah, like Abby.

Yeah, wait.

Martha!

Nothing, I mean, I'm sorry Abby, ow.

I can fix this!

MJ, lets' go.

I'm sorry Abby.

I got to go.

The samurai would train and learn

practicing the art of extreme discipline.

So when it was time for them to go into battle, wah!

They were ready.

Hey, what are you doing?

They heard that Abby likes you.

She is such a weirdo.

And none of us really like her.

She's no weirdo.

Do you like her or something?

Yes.

I mean no.

She's my friend.

Oh!

Most honorable Principal Bloom,

how may we serve you?

I need to see Mr. Michael Jordan

and Abby.

Well, maybe you two should just go out then.

What, no.

I'm...

Now!

Little Martha has so kindly informed me

that we have a 500 dollar offer for the name Michael Jordan.

But someone won't give up the name!

I can't.

I'm Michael Jordan.

No you're not.

Yes I am.

No you're not.

Yes I am.

Uh uh.

- Uhuh. - Uh-uh

- Uhuh. - Uh-uh!

You can still be popular with another name.

Have you by chance met Chandler?

He was popular once.

Until he crossed me.

Who do you think got Zach to shoot the spit wad

in his ear, huh?

What?

You couldn't...

Quiet, Martha!

Now Cecil, give up the name

or I'll run you forever.

How's that sound?

Give me my money!

Oh, that slipped, that slipped, time out, time out.

Guys, let's get in here, let's get in here.

Come on, come on.

Listen boys, you're not playing the ball game

you came here to play.

You have to make a decision when you get out

on that court.

Am I gonna be the winner that takes this win?

Am I ready to be the person that I've always wanted to be?

Or do you wanna sit around like your old great aunt

who can't really walk anymore, who can't play the game,

who has arthritis, who's basically given up?

Is that who you wanna be?

Now get out there and show these punks who you are!

Who you came here to be!

Get in here!

One, two, three, Mad Dogs!

Bring it down and give the ball to me.

I'm not giving you anything!

Thanks a lot.

That's why I should be Michael Jordan.

You're a disgrace!

Michael!

We need to talk.

I gotta go.

Michael, I didn't think Martha would!

This would have never happened if we didn't have

to save your stupid newspaper!

Stupid?

Michael, I just wanted

you to like me.

Hey.

How did it go?

We lost.

Lost?

Well, that's okay.

Boy's night out, we'll have a good time.

Where's mom?

Oh, she is being so unfair.

She acts like she's the only one that raised you.

Dad?

There's this girl at school

and I think I like her.

What?

Yeah Lorrie, remember I told you about the game on the 15th.

It's the 15th.

The 15th, it's the 15th.

Yeah, today is the 15th, yeah.

No I'm not driving all the way back there, no.

We're going to go to a hotel.

Mom.

Sorry, Cecil.

What?

It's Michael.

Yeah, you think I'm happy about this?

I'm not happy about this either, Lorrie.

You think that I'm happy that I have to drive

to come see my son?

Hello mate, what's your name?

Michael Jordan.

So what's with the long face?

Well don't tell anybody

but my name wasn't always Michael Jordan.

Go on.

My old name was Thethil Thtevens.

You sound like you're talking with a mouth

full of toffee.

One more time.

Thethil Thtevens.

Anyways.

This guy wants my hard earned name

but if I give it to him I might lose this girl

that I'm going out with.

But if I don't, I might lose everything else.

I tell you what to do.

Get a stinky sock.

One that you've worn for about three weeks,

a really stinky sock.

And you take it, right,

and you stuff it...

Did you say stinky sock?

Kid, my advice to you is to listen to an American.

I've been here for three years!

Oh but he said for three years!

Every single night, it's this way all the time.

I speak English, you're speaking English.

At least I did, that's what I'm doing here.

You're the one who don't even speak properly.

I'm trying to be a good father.

Miss Baker, where are we?

Beats me.

But let's try the intestine expresstine!

Vroom, vroom!

Slow down!

Looks like we got ourselves into quite a pickle.

Let's assess the damage.

Looks like the crash caused a leak

in the oxygen tank, kids.

Way to go Cecil.

This is the worst field trip ever.

And I can make it worse!

I can make it much, much worse.

Sell the name, Cecil, sell the name!

Give me my money!

Sell the name

and give me my money.

I told you, one last time, sell the name!

Then you've sealed your fate!

Wait.

Actually his parents legally changed his name

to Michael Jordan and if he sells the name

then people might come poking around

and I think we both know that

they won't like what they find.

You're bluffing.

Call his parents if you don't believe me.

Fine.

Hello, this is Principal Bloom.

Hello?

Is Cecil's mother there?

Oh you must be looking for Michael's mother.

Are you kidding me?

Excuse me, who is this?

Is this that bill collector?

Because I can tell you exactly where to put your bill.

Do you think I'm joking?

Just leave me alone.

We need the money.

You're selling the name.

You can't make him!

I can do whatever I want!

I'm the principal.

Now you, get out!

Sit there one second longer, young lady,

and I'll ban newspapers from this school forever!

Get out!

Now.

Cecil Stevens.

You think your name's gonna save you from being unpopular?

Well.

Let me see if I can sway your opinion.

Hello, students of Smith Elementary.

Today, we're gonna have our lead student Michael Jordan,

read what we're gonna have for lunch.

Get ready, 'cause it sounds delicious.

Say it.

Today is Wednesday.

And for lunch we have a super spethal spectacular

therving in throre for you.

The firth courth is exthra delithious.

It'th thweet thavory thauthage

with a thide of thalad.

And don't thkip our brownie surprise for dessert.

Fire!

Hold your fire.

Good one, guys.

Steady your rifles.

The target hasn't retreated yet.

Guys, it's me.

It's Michael.

He's retreating!

Victory is ours!

What the?

Shoot her!

What are you doing?

We'll never be cool again!

What am I doing?

I'm saving you!

You still want these idiots to like you?

The back of the bus can't be theirs forever.

She likes you because you were someone you weren't.

It's a kid eat kid world out there, Cecil.

Ah, I'm hit.

Aah.

And if you wanna hang out with them still,

maybe you should just leave me and Martha alone.

I'm going out.

Don't do it.

No!

Social suicide.

You are not taking him to some sleazy hotel, Tim.

But where am I supposed to take him, Lorrie?

And for your information,

the Lonely Heart Inn happens to be a pillar

of the community.

Oh, now I've heard everything.

No, he is staying here.

He's coming with me.

No, he is my son.

What is he, the product of immaculate conception?

Okay fine, if you're gonna act like that, take him!

Take him!

Go with your father, Cecil.

No, I'm not falling for your drama.

No, no, you keep him.

Stay with your mom.

Go with your father, Cecil!

Abby to MJ, I repeat, Abby to MJ, over!

This is MJ, over.

I'm sorry, over.

I'm sorry too.

You're the only one who was really being nice to me.

Do you wanna help me finish my last story, over.

Duh, over.

Then meet me outside in five minutes.

I've got a top secret mission, over.

What's the mission, over.

The principal, the 20,000 dollars, our mascot Hercules,

I'll fill you in on the way, over.

Were you finished, over.

Yeah I said I'll fill you in on the way, over.

On the way over, over?

Dang it, Michael, are you up for the mission or not?

Over.

Yes, over and out!

Are you sure you're ready?

Hurry up!

This should take us to the ventilation system.

Surprisingly spacious.

Oh my gosh.

He must have used the money to start a taxidermy business!

He's an animal!

An animal stuffer!

Oh my gosh, is that Hercules?

Shh!

It's payback time.

This one is two days old.

It only takes one bite.

And then, you'll poop your pants.

Jimmy, no, I'm getting annoyed.

It's okay, he's just sleep talking.

Oh ma, you made brownies.

Sweet, pull up.

Pull up!

Pull up!

Book it!

I hear you up there!

Go, go, go, this way!

No, this way!

What?

No, no of course I'm not in the bathroom.

I mean who talks on the phone in the bathroom?

Wait, I know, Tim, I know.

Just tell Cecil I said goodnight, okay?

No.

No, he is definitely with you.

I told him to go with you.

He's probably confused!

Well, he probably is.

Oh, Peggy!

Michael!

I might have expected it from you, Abby.

But Cecil and you two!

I'm just glad you're okay.

Me too.

And don't think that because you're not dead,

that you're not in trouble.

Oh my god, you could have died, my baby!

That's right.

And whose fault would that have been?

I think a couple of people need to go to their rooms

and think about what they've done.

Yes.

Nope.

What?

You two need to think long and hard

about your priorities.

Some of you have neglected

to give learning a chance.

You would rather be cool than study your school.

But if you want to reach the stars,

you have to not care what your friends think

of your name.

Foreign oxygen!

Can't breath.

Ah, Houston, we have a message from a foreign lifeform.

Play it cool.

No, no, not you.

Just him.

Martha.

Come in.

It's done.

You sold the name to Zach?

How could you?

He made me, he forced me.

He also gave me lots of candy.

You can leave now.

Now Zach is the new Michael Jordan,

and well, that leaves you.

You'll sit in the front of the bus

and you'll hold your head low

and it won't be that bad unless you have to read

the morning announcements everyday.

Or, yeah, or if everyone figures out

that you sold them false names.

You see this money, this money,

I'm betting it on your game tonight.

I'm betting that you're gonna lose and I know that.

And you know why I know that, Cecil?

I know that because you're gonna make them lose

or things are gonna get real, real bad for you, Cecil.

No.

Lose the game, Cecil.

And maybe, just maybe,

I'll let you pick a new name.

Heck, I'll even take you to the Horsey Orsey myself!

Why do you think mom and dad named me Cecil?

Because they liked it, I suppose.

What's there to like?

You know, a lot of really cool people

have been named Cecil.

Yeah, right.

Like who?

Well there was Cecil Cooper, the all star baseball player.

And Cecil B. Demille, the famous filmmaker.

And uh, Cecil Schwartzenegger, the strongest man alive.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm sure they didn't like their names at first either.

But they figured it out.

I bet they can pronounce their names.

Oh, it looks like you've got a visitor.

Whoah.

How did you know I was here?

Yeah, Peggy told me.

I have to come work with her.

Sounds like more of a vacation

than a punishment to me though.

Yeah, I guess.

I wanna show you something.

Whoah!

Thanks!

Peggy told me you might need some cheering up.

Mac and cheese, my favorite!

Mmmm.

Cecil?

Do you know that

besides Martha, you're the only friend I've had

since second grade?

I used to be friends with everybody

until one day they all started being really mean to Martha.

I told her I would always be her friend

because I knew she didn't have any.

Then Chelsea and Zach and everyone

started calling me Glasses.

But when I met you, I didn't care

if I had any other friends.

Um.

You know I was watching Blossom earlier and,

I was thinking,

Holy crap!

You're supposed to close your eyes.

Cool.

Eww!

Disgusting!

Oh, it's all over me!

Oh, that's disgusting!

Oooh!

Oh for Pete's sake, it's not that bad!

I guess it wasn't that bad.

Yeah.

Well have you finished your story?

Almost.

It might be my last but it will definitely

be a page turner.

And make us popular?

Maybe, maybe not.

Oh kids, chances of us making it out

of this field trip are slim.

The oxygen tank is almost spent.

This is all Cecil's fault!

Oh man!

I've got it!

If Cecil learns to say the right mouth movement,

then the wind will propel us out in a jiffy!

I sure hope it doesn't have any S sounds in it.

He just has to say his true name.

Uh, Michael Jordan?

I know your name's not Michael.

Hurry, Cecil.

Just say it.

Please.

No, I can't.

Hurry, Cecil.

Some of you have neglected

to give learning a chance.

The samurai would train and learn.

So when it was time for them to go into battle,

they were ready.

Thecil.

Just like sometimes in life you gotta do things

that you're not used to and you gotta do them well.

You'll learn that it's beautiful and,

The-cil.

It can change your life forever.

Thecil!

Thecil!

Thecil!

Thecil!

You better be right, Bloom,

or you're getting a knuckle sandwich.

Extra knuckles.

He loses this game, you double your money

and we're square.

You're slipping, Bloom, you're slipping.

What are we doing?

Oh!

Time out!

Everybody in.

Look boys, sometimes you come to the end of a rope.

Begin to realize that things maybe aren't exactly

what you thought they were.

But guess what?

We gotta put that behind us.

We gotta get over it.

There are plenty of ropes in the sea!

And when you find one of those new ropes,

do you know what you have to do?

You have to dunk the crap out of it.

Michael.

Yeah?

No, no wait, Michael.

I'm Michael.

My name is Michael.

I bought it fair and square.

Cut the crap, Zach.

MJ, you got this.

You know what to do.

I talked about it every single day in practice.

I'm no Michael Jordan, I can't.

Hey, don't be like my sick aunt.

Just get out there and do it, we've got your back.

No matter who you are.

One, two, three!

Mad Dogs!

We gotta go, we gotta go.

Yes!

That's my son!

That's my baby!

That's it, Bloom.

You're coming with me!

No, no, no.

Bloom, Bloom!

Baby Bloom!

Woo, MJ!

That's enough!

Sit down, sit down!

You're gonna pay, Cecil.

Our star player has something to say.

He and his little girlfriend,

they hacked into the school computer system.

You all have the same names you did

at the beginning of the school year.

What, no!

No, Michael Jordan would not do that to us.

No, I'm Michael, not that chump!

I'm confused.

Tell everyone.

Look guys.

The names we sold all of you, they aren't real.

They don't count.

And?

I was forced to sell you all names

by that man, Jimmy McCracken.

I can't believe it!

Guard, arrest him.

Okay.

But you're coming too.

Easy, champ.

He made me do it!

He owes me 20 large!

Oh I got this.

Boom!

Yes!

My hero.

- Great job, Dallas. - Thanks.

I'm her brother, John.

Brother?

Oh.

Hey!

Okay.

Hercules, Hercules!

Hercules, I thought you'd been stuffed!

Nope, I found him in the principal's house.

He was just about to stuff him.

He would have made a better table piece.

That mutt deserves to be stuffed!

How's that for stuffing?

Yeah.

Yeah, good.

Okay, truce.

For now.

Well clearly.

Dude, if we could, I'd totally let you be Michael Jordan.

He doesn't need to be Michael Jordan.

He's already cool

because we're going out.

Er, wrong, he's not your boyfriend

and he's cool in general.

As if.

Quiet, Chelsea.

Burn!

Oooh.

Look guys.

I think we all need to stop worrying

about being cooler than each other.

I think we're all a little weird.

But I also think we're all a little cool.

Bravo.

Oh, oh Jimmy.

Wait for me.

Oh.

This meeting of Smith Elementary News team

has been called under,

I couldn't wait.

Do you guys know what a newsteam does

after they finish covering a big story?

Celebrate!

Eat popcorn!

Laser tag!

We move on.

We've got standards here, people.

Now it's time for our next story.

How about Hercules the mascot escapes slavery?

Cures cancer!

How about boy plays video games

for 40 hours straight?

How about stuff that's actually happening?

Haven't you ever wondered why

our speech teacher, the one in charge

of helping us talk better,

has an English accent?

Oh I guess I never thought of it.

Me either.

I think we all noticed Miss Reichart

getting fresh with Jimmy at the game.

And it turns out, they've been in cahoots

this whole time.

The whole staff knew that Principal Bloom

was gonna get fired and next in the seniority line was her.

But what about Miss Baker and Coach Dallas?

That's the worst part.

They seem to be the only two

who aren't in on it.

Which means they're gonna get rid of them.

They're gonna kill them?

No, they're gonna get them both fired.

And then they'll have nothing standing in their way.

Our school, our newspaper, it will all be done for.

Unless...

I don't like where this is going.

I do.

Unless what?

Unless we stop them.

All of them?

We're gonna need a bigger brownie.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

No.

This is senior writer Abby Jennings

signing out.

Goodnight and good luck.

Theecil.

Cecil.

Cecil!

Cecil!

Cecil!

Cecil!

Cecil!

Cecil!

Cecil!

Cecil!

Cecil!

♪ Rolling down the street in my big wheel ♪

♪ Told me got your keychain

♪ Just keeping it real

♪ Posting on the block selling lemonade ♪

♪ No change with your order 'cause I'm trying to get paid ♪

♪ Walkman on my head, you can tell that I'm made ♪

♪ Headphones sit pretty on that number three fade ♪

♪ Coins like Mario I jump the best ♪

♪ I'm fast and you're slow like VHS ♪

♪ I don't mind watching Land Before Time ♪

♪ Bring the orange soda in, we'll be feeling fine ♪

♪ Teachers on my case don't drop a dime ♪

♪ No detention they believe but I don't mind ♪

♪ Now I'm riding the bus

♪ Now I'm riding my bike

♪ Got a girl on my pegs and she's hanging on tight ♪

♪ And she already knows that I'm the man ♪

♪ If she don't come asking who I am ♪

♪ What's your name, who you with ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Where do you ride and where do you sit ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Where do you floss and where do you dip ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Hey I never caught your name

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ What's your name, who you with ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Where do you ride and where do you sit ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Where do you floss and where do you dip ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

♪ Haha

♪ I'm not mopping the floor, I'm an entrepreneur ♪

♪ When it's popping for sure you can stop in the door ♪

♪ When you ask me my title

♪ I'm gonna play it on vinyl

♪ No I'm smooth on the groove

♪ 'cause this ain't a recital

♪ Spend 10 bucks make 50 more

♪ Three friends coming over playing 64 ♪

♪ Four controllers playing Goldeneye ♪

♪ Never getting older, bumping do or die ♪

♪ And when I grow up you're gonna know my name ♪

♪ No cat got my tongue, no novocaine ♪

♪ No challenge to beat, always overcame ♪

♪ No growing pains till we making gains ♪

♪ What's your name, you don't have to tell me ♪

♪ You can be anybody that you wanna be ♪

♪ So what's it gonna be, are you gonna flee ♪

♪ Live down the side, tell me what do you see ♪

♪ What's your name, what, what's your name ♪

And action Christa, action Sark.

And Sark's at, and there's Sark's at the bike, all right.