Original subtitles

Hey, what's up guys! ...That's stupid.

Hey, what's going on guys?

Will here with a little channel update for you.

I've got some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is I'm not going to be able to upload for a while.

It won't be crazy long. A couple weeks, maybe a month at max,

but that is because of the good news, which is:

I was hired to work at a studio in L.A.

I don't know if i can say which one yet but it's pretty nice.

I'm gonna start as an assistant editor and work my way up from there.

I'm actually moving out there tomorrow with a buddy of mine,

so once I get all settled in, I'll try to get back to

my normal upload schedule of one video every thursday at noon.

Oh shit, this is them - it's the studio! Hey hey, what's going on Rich?

(Rich) Hey Will, I'm in a meeting right now.

(Rich) My boss saw your resume and wants to see the feature you edited.

What?

(Rich) The feature film on your resume, it says here you edited one.

(Rich) I don't know if you wrote the title...

Oh yeah of course I've done that!

(Rich) Great! Could you send over a copy?

(Rich) My boss wants to take a look at it before he gives the final OK to hire you.

Wait, I thought I was already hired? I'm moving out there tomorrow.

(Rich) I mean the interview went really well, I think you're a good fit.

(Rich) We just need to see your feature before you officially get the job.

OK, well I'm gonna be there by Friday,

could I come by the office and give you a physical copy?

(Rich) Ummm..the sooner the better, my boss needs to see it by--

Well that's the thing, I already packed up my computer --

Uh, I mean it'll be so much easier for both of us

if we just wait until I'm over there, you know?

We'll meet face to face, I can give you the physical copy of the movie,

you can hire me...for real.

(Rich) Uh, OK. Just have it here by Friday at the latest.

OK, will do. Friday. Looking forward to working with you Rich.

(Rich) Me too Will. Seeya Friday.

Seeya.

Oh fuck.

(Evan) It's open!

Hey, Evan?

(Evan) Hey dude! Be there in a sec.

OK.

Dude, how much are you taking?

(Evan) What? I'm moving, I've got to take as much as I can!

I don't know if we can fit all this in the car.

(Evan) Oh come on, it's not that much.

Yep, he's an actor.

All right, this is everything I am taking.

What's up, are you recording something?

Yeah, don't worry about it. I just want to see your reaction.

My reaction to what?

Dude, you'll see. It's a surprise. Here, put this mic on.

It'll be a lot easier if we both wear one.

What'll be easier?

The surprise! Trust me, this is gonna be fun.

I can't believe I still remember that...

So we're leaving at approximately 4 p.m.

Adjusting for time zones and getting food and gas

we should arrive there around 5 a.m on Thursday

as long as we switch off driving and sleeping in the car.

You know we can pay a moving company to take this stuff, right?

Maybe you can afford that. I'm leaving most of my stuff with my parents.

Fair enough. Is that everything?

Oh wait!

Dude, more stuff?

If we don't have any furniture for a few days we'll need these.

We're kind of out of room.

Nah, these will fit, they're small. I'll put them right here on the side...

There we go! By the way, thank you so much for the whole rent thing.

I promise that'll pay you back just as soon as I get some work.

Nah man, Don't mention it.

Cool. What's the whole surprise thing you're talking about?

Oh, it's in the car.

Cool!

Oh my god, that's a lot of cameras. Are you making a vlog or something?

Kind of. Here's what I'm thinking. How long are we going to be driving?

It's a 35 hour drive.

Yeah, and how long is a feature-length film?

About an hour and a half...what, you want to make a feature length movie?

Yeah! If we record that entire time,

only like 80 or 90 minutes needs to be good enough

for me to edit down into a feature film.

I mean...why?

Dude, why not? Listen: when we get to L.A. you're gonna do auditions,

all that stuff, but there's no guarantees about landing roles.

BUT, what if we make a movie on the drive there where you're the lead actor?

Then we arrive in L.A. and you've already started in a feature film!

I mean...what made you decide that you wanted to do--

I've already got my job. I'm good to go. I want to do this for you! Help you out.

OK, I mean you've got all these cameras set up so I guess I'm down.

Yes! This is going to be great, trust me, you're going to love this.

Here, I've got a bunch of stuff written down.

Go ahead and read it over, it's all about your character and all that.

OK...a lot of ideas that you got here. It's kind of hard to read though.

Oh yeah, I was writing fast. A lot of ideas all popping up at once, you know?

It's all over the place, do you want to just tell me what you're thinking?

OK, well you'll be this guy named Craig, and you are totally disillusioned with life

because you just lost your job, and your girlfriend dumped you,

and your parents just recently died in a plane crash,

so you just don't know what to do with your life.

So you call for a taxi, and I show up.

And you're like, "just take me anywhere."

So me being a taxi driver, I'm like,

"uh, anywhere? The longer I drive the more this guy has to pay me,

so I'm going to drive across the entire fuckin' country."

But then, along the way, we get to know each other really well,

and we share like our hopes and dreams with each other,

and in the end we realize some universal truth about life.

Which I actually haven't really figured out yet but, you know,

something with a lot of meaning to it!

Right.

And it'll also be a road trip movie, so we can have those shenanigans.

Like, "oh no, flat tire!

Oh we're driving on the wrong side of the road, we're gonna hit a car!"

How are we gonna film that?

I mean not that exact thing, but you know, general hijinks.

OK.

OK, I'm gonna stop for gas. We'll film the first scene there,

we'll get the ball rolling. From there it'll be easy, we'll improv.

OK.

All right, good to go. Got your back story memorized?

I guess so.

Cool. I'll get in character, tell me what you think.

Eyy, hello there, welcome to my taxi!

Why are you Italian?

I'm a taxi driver.

Dude, you know not all taxi drivers are Italian?

Yeah, OK look -- have you seen Rush Hour?

Yeah.

So you know in the beginning of that movie they're like,

"I don't understand your accent,"

but by the end of the movie they're like,

"Now i understand your accent AND the meaning of life."

...Is that the moral of Rush Hour?

Look, we just need to start out with differences

and then eventually find common ground.

You really want to go with that Italian accent?

Well it's the only one I can do convincingly, so, yeah.

Here, just get out of the car -- go over there.

I'll drive over and act like I'm picking you up.

Over there on the sidewalk?

Yeah, by those bushes.

Hey, are you the taxi driver?

Yes, that's-a me!

Cool, I'm Craig.

I'm Al. Al Dente. Come on in.

So, where to Mr. Craig?

I don't care, just take me anywhere.

Anywhere, you say? Will do.

Will, do you want me to reference these cameras?

Since this is like...documentary style.

Yeah, good idea.

Say something in character asking me about the cameras.

Right now?

Yeah, and let's -- if you want to talk to me out of character,

use the word "flamingo." Like a code word.

Flamingo...right.

Say, Al, what's with all these cameras?

Oh don't worry about that, it's-a security.

I had somebody steal from my glove box once.

Oh no, what did they steal?

It was ten thousand dollars I was saving up for my papa's surgery.

Oh my god that's awful, I'm so sorry.

Yes, it is. He was a fine man. But enough about me, Mr. Craig,

why do you want to just go anywhere?

That's a long story.

I've got time, Craig. Let me hear your sad tale.

Well, I just got fired, OK? Four years of my life I put into that job,

and they just threw me out the door like none of it even happened.

So I go home thinking my girlfriend's gonna pick up my spirits,

everything's gonna be fine, and then of course she dumps me --

which I can't say I didn't see coming but it wasn't great, right?

And on top of all that my parents just got killed in this plane crash

and I don't even know what to do with my life anymore!

Mamma mia.

What?

Dude, my character just dropped all these bombshells on you.

You can't just respond with "mamma mia!"

It's what he would say!

Have you ever actually heard anyone in real life say "mamma mia?"

Yeah, there was a guy in a pizza commercial who said it.

You're basing your entire character off of a guy from a pizza commercial?

OK, look dude, it doesn't matter.

You're the main actor, you're in the spotlight,

I'm just like a funny supporting character.

I'm just saying that if you say something like that in that accent

it takes away from the dramatic heft that the scene might have had.

Well OK, if it'll make you happy I'll refrain from saying mamma mia.

But I will say that the most respected video game character of all time

says mamma mia on a daily basis.

Are you gonna say "It's-a me, Al Dente?"

If it comes up organically, sure.

Dude, can we just do some normal road trip stuff for a while?

Well I want to make sure we get enough footage.

It's a 35 hour drive, I'm tired of this, can we just--

OK, OK, look -- what if for one more hour we just film --

we riff off of each other, in character, just improv.

I promise I won't say mamma mia.

Then we can take a long break?

...OK.

OK. Uh, so Craig, tell me more about your dead parents.

That's your problem Craig, you haven't taken control of your life!

Maybe you're right, I've always just been kind of going through the flow,

I never tried to branch out and forge my own path.

That's what I'm saying. You are gliding down the road of life with,

how do you say, highway hypnosis?

Thanks for listening to all this, Al. You know, you're kind of like a therapist.

It's no problem. Oh, flamingo!

What if Al actually used to be a therapist,

but then he lost his license and had to become a taxi driver?

He is oddly like a therapist. You know the accent is --

it doesn't bother me anymore.

Dude, right? It's just-a flowing through me at this point.

Are you getting a phone call?

Nope, we've officially been filming for the last hour.

Can we please take a break and do some normal road trip stuff for a while?

Yeah, we got some good stuff.

Cool. Do you mind if I listen to a podcast for a little bit?

No, go for it.

Oh, you can play it over the speakers if you want.

No it's good, I got my earbuds --

No dude I got a hookup right here! Go for it.

All right.

Hello everyone, and as always, I am your host Truman Wright.

Welcome to episode 34 of "On the Hunt for Bigfoot."

In this episode I sought out bigfoot in northern California,

armed only with my brain, my backpack, and a hankering for Bigfoot.

My journey began --

Dude, what the fuck is this?

What?

Since when do you listen to a Bigfoot podcast?

Dude, I just listened to you doing a shitty Italian accent for the last hour,

if anything this is less weird.

OK.

It's not like I fuckin' believe in it or anything!

I just think it's interesting, OK?

OK, you don't need to unplug it. I promise i won't say anything,

I actually kind of want to listen to this.

...Fine. Now I gotta rewind again...

...and a hankering for Bigfoot.

My journey began when a listener emailed me with a tip.

The title of the email was as follows: Backyard Sighting --

Bigfoot ate from my bird feeder and took a nap in my hammock.

The email was from a listener named Abigail Larson.

She first emailed me on the evening of April 19th,

and we exchanged emails for the following week,

in which she described exactly what she had seen...

...it was still. And then, for a fraction of a second, I heard it!

The snap of a branch, not ten feet away.

I peered through the darkness. Could it be him?

I reached out, my hand full of blackberries.

What followed was a full four minutes of silence.

But I held out hope... and suddenly, Bigfoot was there!

It was pitch black, but I knew in my heart it was him.

He sniffed the berries. I spoke, my voice trembling--

Why'd you just take this exit?

Dude, you paused it at the best part, keep playing!

We're supposed to stay on 85 and go south around the mountains, it's faster.

That's true, but I have an idea.

What?

OK, you know those lookout points in the mountains?

Where you can see the landscape going way off in the distance?

Yeah.

I was thinking that would be a great place for Craig and Al

to have their first big bonding moment.

Like they could look out at the horizon and realize

that the world is so much bigger than just their lives.

This is gonna add so much time to the trip.

No man, just like half an hour.

But it's gonna get dark while we're up there.

Don't you know how dangerous it is in the mountains at night?

Look, this is gonna add so much production value to film at this location.

I just don't think -- i mean, is it even worth it?

Can't this whole movie just be in the car?

It's barely a detour. It'll make the movie look so much better.

But dude, the mountains are dangerous. There's falling rocks.

Storms get bad this time of year...plus there's creatures roaming around.

Like what?

Like...you know, bobcats. And bears.

OK.

What?

You're scared of Bigfoot.

Dude, there are legitimate things to be afraid of.

Like Bigfoot.

Worse than Bigfoot.

...Bigfeet?

Dude, fuck you man! I just don't want to go into the mountains, all right?

OK, it'll be quick! We'll shoot the scene asap and we'll get out of there.

We're not getting out and searching for Bigfoot tracks, OK?

And honestly, I'm paying your rent,

so I should probably be allowed to decide the route we take.

Are you serious? You're gonna use that against me?

What if whenever I switch driving with you

I just decide to take a detour into fucking Canada?

I think the mountains are a little less out of the way than Canada.

God damn it...

I swear, this scene is gonna make the whole movie.

Oh shit, here it is! Look at that dude, it's super nice up here.

It does look really nice, but we still shouldn't be up here.

Trust me, when you see the finished product, you'll be like

"Dang. That's some production value right there. That's mint."

Let's go.

All right, so here's the plan.

Al and Craig just happen to be stopping by this lookout point,

and they are both mesmerized.

So Craig looks out at the view and he has these flashbacks

to what his life used to be like before all the bad stuff happened to him.

So it's like footage of his previous job and his ex-girlfriend or something,

and then he realizes "you know what, maybe I can be happy all on my own."

When are we gonna be getting all these extra shots?

I'll just use stock footage.

Like, I don't know, some girl walking through a wheat field.

There's like 12,000 clips of that online.

Shit, was that thunder?

Oh yeah, that's not good.

Dude, I don't want to be out here if it starts raining.

Yeah I can't get the camera wet anyway.

OK, come over here. Stand right about there, near those rocks.

Up here?

Yeah, just stand there and look out at the mountains.

I'm gonna get a shot from behind you.

Anything you want me to--

No, just stare out.

Yeah, that is nice.

I'll put some classical music in the background or something.

OK, now look out and say something like

"crazy that we found this beautiful spot in the middle of nowhere, huh Al?"

Crazy we found this beautiful spot in the middle of nowhere, huh Al?

OK, that was good.

Say it again but emphasize the word beautiful.

OK.

I can't believe we found this beautiful spot in the middle of nowhere!

OK, that was good but you changed the beginning of the line.

It's "crazy that we found this," not "I can't believe we found this."

Does it even matter? You just came up with that line off the top of your head.

It's not even that good of a line in the first place.

OK well if you can think of something better go ahead and say it.

Why don't I just say "It's beautiful."

That way we get rid of all the extraneous stuff.

But we need to know that you and Al stopped here together.

That'll be obvious, we're the only two people in the movie!

OK, just say it again one more time, the way I said it.

Crazy we found this beautiful spot in the middle of nowhere, huh Al?

OK, that was good! One more time.

Dude, that was one more time!

I'm not going to keep on saying the same thing over and over and over!

My god dude enough with the fucking tone.

I'm just trying to make this good!

Why? What is even the point in all this?

All you have are a bunch of half-baked ideas and a shitty Italian accent.

There's no point in even making this at all.

The point here is to try and help you find more acting jobs.

You keep on saying that, as if this is supposed to be for me,

but you won't even listen to me at all!

My god, I am listening. I'm listening right now. Tell me what you want to do!

Dude, right now I want to stop making this fucking movie!

What the fuck man!

Are we safe in here?

I don't know, I hope so.

I told you it was a bad idea to come up here.

Oh my god, OK, you were right. Is that what you want to hear?

My camera was almost murdered by lightning out there!

Oh yeah, the camera was almost damaged!

Who gives a fuck about anything else?

If that camera is damaged I have to pay three thousand dollars to replace it.

It's a rental!

...Are you okay?

You didn't get...shocked or anything?

No, I'm fine.

Good.

Did you mean what you said about not wanting to make the movie?

Well...I'm not going back out there.

I know. Me neither.

Oh shit.

What?

The headlights flickered for a second.

Did you flip them by accident?

No, it did it by itself.

You think maybe it's the battery?

Like the lightning did something?

I hope not, I just got a new battery in March.

I'll check it out later when we stop for gas.

How long until we get out of the mountains?

Uh... pretty soon.

Do you even know where you're going?

Yeah.

Because it kind of looks like we're in the middle of nowhere.

OK, I know where I'm going.

The map said we're supposed to go up and over into Tennessee.

How long did it say that that would take?

Like an hour from the lookout point.

It's been an hour and a half, you're lost.

I swear it said to stay on this highway, it's supposed to take us all the way there.

I'm gonna map it.

Yeah, you're going the wrong way, it says we're headed east.

Well I know I'm on the right highway, I followed the signs.

You must have turned wrong somewhere.

Tell me we're not taking another fucking detour for the movie.

My god, no, I'm not doing another detour.

I don't want to waste any more time, we need to get out of here!

It says there's a side road coming up.

In how long?

0.6 miles, it's up on the left.

Just turn the volume up.

(GPS) In 0.5 miles turn left onto forest lane.

Whatever you say, robot.

This should lead us to the correct highway,

and then from there, back to civilization.

Good.

(GPS) Turn left onto forest lane.

That was fast. OK, yeah, here it is.

Hey, stop stop stop!

What?

I thought this was going to be an actual paved road.

What, so you don't want to take it? Isn't this the fastest way?

Yeah, but I think it would be safer if we just go back down the highway.

No, no, I'm listening to your ideas. You said this is the best way to go.

Well now I'm saying that we should go down the long way.

Dude, look. Bigfoot isn't out here.

He's not going to charge us and flip the car. We'll be fine.

You know i don't actually believe in Bigfoot, right?

Good. Then taking this road shouldn't be a problem.

You're actually going down here?

If the GPS knows it's a road it must be okay.

(GPS) Continue on forest lane for 10 miles.

See?

Oh shit.

Dude, turn around. If the battery dies I really want to be on an actual road.

It's only 10 miles, we can make it.

Wait, what the hell? How is there a dead end?

Thank god.

Well, back to the highway.

At least there's only 32 more hours to go.

Once we get out of the mountains I'll take over driving,

that way you can get some sleep.

(GPS) Make a u-turn.

Shut up robot.

(GPS) Make a u-turn.

Dude, turn it off.

We're gonna need it once we get back to the highway.

Then reroute it so it stops telling us to u-turn.

(GPS) Make a u-turn.

Oh my god SHUT UP.

(GPS) Make a u-turn. Make a u-turn. Make a you will.

Make a you will die.

You will die. You will die tonight.

OK...you got me. That was pretty good.

I didn't do that.

No, no, I get it. Teaching me a lesson.

I'm not fucking with you dude, I didn't do that.

OK I'll give you like a six out of ten,

but I'm pretty sure I recognize that robot voice from the--

--what the fuck? How is there another dead end?

Did you turn somewhere?

No, I drove straight ahead. There was nowhere to turn.

Are you fucking with ME?

No!

(GPS) You have arrived.

I didn't do that.

We gotta get the fuck out of here...

Wait, what the hell?

What?

There are trees right behind us, I can't back up.

What do we do?

I don't know, call someone?

Yeah I'm calling 911.

There's trees all around us...

There's no room to turn around.

Nobody's answering.

It's 911, how's there no answer?

I don't know, I'll try calling them again.

Oh no no no no no!

There's still no answer.

The headlights are out, they won't turn back on.

Is it the battery?

I don't think so, these are still on.

Is it because of all these fucking cameras that are plugged in?

No, they're in power banks.

Hey, can you give me your phone?

I want to try calling you and see if at least that call will go through.

Sure. I'll try restarting the car, maybe that'll fix it.

Oh fuck. Oh no no no no. God damn it.

This call's not going through either.

Do you have a signal?

Yeah, it says we both do.

Should we check the engine?

Uh, yeah, good idea.

So...are you gonna go check it?

Um...OK, what if I roll down the window?

We can just listen and if we hear a car we'll know that's the highway,

we can go find someone to help us.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Cool.

You hear that?

Yeah, something's out there.

Probably a deer...or a raccoon.

I can't see anything. Do you have a flashlight somewhere?

Yeah, look under your seat.

I still don't see anything...

Oh shit, do you hear that? That's a car!

Oh thank god.

OK, that must be where the highway is.

We can go find someone that can help us.

You ready to go?

Yeah.

Hey! Dude, what are you doing, come on.

Can't you just...go by yourself?

No, you gotta come with me!

I just...I can't, OK?

OK...what if we stay in character?

Like as Al and Craig -- and they get lost in the woods

so they have to go find someone to help them.

You still want to make that shit?

OK, I'm scared too. This is fuckin' spooky.

But maybe if we're in character we can focus more on that than the actual situation...

...And it would actually be a good scene for the movie.

But what if something's out there waiting for us?

Look in the glove box, I got a pocket knife in there.

OK, yeah. If someone tries to attack us, stab them with this.

Oh fuck, but what if they have a gun?

If they've got a gun then we're dead either way.

True. OK, you hold those. I'm taking the camera.

You ready?

Yeah.

All right.

Wow Craig, I can't believe we got lost in the woods.

Yeah, you're a shitty driver Al.

I'm not that bad a driver.

Let's go try to find the highway.

Good idea.

Ah!

You OK?

Yeah, I just stepped on this pine cone.

Where'd you say you heard that car?

I think it was over that way.

That must be where the highway is, we can go ask someone for help.

Good plan.

Well, lead the way Craig.

Why do I have to go first?

Because you have the flashlight.

Here, you take it!

No, I'm holding the camera! I need you to be in front of me, onscreen.

You sure it was this way?

Yes I'm sure.

I feel like we should have found something by now.

Or we should have at least heard another car.

OK, it helped at first but the Al voice is getting really annoying now.

What-a do you mean, this is my normal voice.

Flamingo. Being in character isn't helping,

and we're definitely going the wrong way.

Fine, how about we go back to the car, wait it out

and search in the morning when we can actually see.

Dude, that's gonna add like eight hours to the trip.

It's OK, I've got until Friday.

Until Friday for what?

Uh, the movers are coming.

They're bringing all my stuff. I got to be there to let them in.

Dude, let's find the car, we'll get some sleep. We both need it.

Here, give me the flashlight. I'll lead the way.

Dude. Come on!

Will, hold up a sec.

What?

I think...this is where we left the car.

Uh, no, it's not here. Are you okay?

No, I'm sure of it. Give me the flashlight.

Whenever we left the car I stepped on this pine cone.

What? There are probably tons of smooshed pine cones out here.

Maybe you stepped on that one when we were looking for the highway.

No, I'm sure of it.

I've had a bad feeling ever since we drove up here, and now it's getting worse.

Well maybe if we hadn't taken that side road...

YOU shouldn't have taken that side road.

I wouldn't have if you didn't make me obey the haunted GPS!

Oh my god you're still gonna pull this shit?

You wanted to take a detour for a fucking movie that I don't even want to be in,

and even now you're still recording.

We're not even in character!

You want me to stop while all this crazy shit is happening?

Yes, give me five minutes without pointing a fucking camera at me!

Fine! OK, I'll turn it off.

There. You happy?

It's off?

Yeah.

Look, I didn't know coming up here was going to cause all this.

I just...I want to make a good movie.

I know.

My god, that's some strong wind.

Ow! Fuckin' pine cone.

Ow, Holy shit!

What the fuck?!

Dude, over here! Get under the tree!

That's not safe!

Oh shit I gotta record this!

What the hell was that? Did you record it?

No, I started recording and then it stopped.

...What?

Keep it rolling.

What, you think that happened because I stopped recording?

I don't know, maybe. I think something's messing with us.

What do you mean?

I mean...the impossible side road.

The lightning. The GPS voice. The car going missing.

And now that storm...

Whatever it was, something's responsible.

What could even do that?

OK, don't judge me for this, but...

you know how I said some things in these mountains are worse than Bigfoot?

...Yeah.

I've heard stories about this place.

People say that up in the sky you can see lights that move in ways

that no human built aircraft could move.

What, so UFOs?

Yeah, I know it's crazy.

But people have been seeing them for hundreds of years now.

Always in these mountains!

Plus there's other stories too...about people vanishing.

But they come back?

No. They come out into these woods and they never return.

Aw fuck.

I can't say that I know this for sure...but it's probably aliens.

Well, if it is...aliens...what are they gonna do to us?

I don't know.

Can we even escape?

Evan...oh my god. Is this an alien thing?

Yeah, it looks like an alien thing.

Well, maybe they're nice aliens. Like hey, look,

they made us some arts and crafts. Like a little gift.

Aliens don't do that. Maybe it's a command. Or a marker.

A marker? Oh my god, is this where they aim the beam?

Are we going to be abducted?

If they wanted to abduct us they could have done it by now.

Maybe it's a trail. Maybe that's what it's marking,

maybe they want us to go down this.

Dude, fuck that, it's got to be a trap.

The GPS said we were gonna die!

Well what other choice do we have?

We can just stay here. We'll wait until morning.

Then we'll find the car, we'll find the highway, and we'll get the hell out of here!

They took the car and they're not gonna let us find the highway!

Why don't we just follow this trail?

Maybe if we do what they want, then at the end they'll let us go.

So what, just assume that they won't eventually try to hurt us?

They're just watching us, OK?

I think they're observing, like to them we're mice in a maze.

They just want to see what we do and how we react.

So that's a good thing, that they're treating us like mice?

Well, at the end of the maze there's usually cheese.

Yeah, or a mouse trap.

Again, they haven't tried to hurt us yet.

Can we just follow this trail, see where it goes?

Dude fuck that, there is no way I'm walking right into an alien trap.

You can go down there if you want,

but there's no fucking way that I am taking that trail.

I'm gonna stay right here and wait until we find the--

--OHWHATTHEFUCK!

Oh my god, OK! Fine, I'll go! Fucking aliens...

Wait, Evan.

What is that?

A backpack?

A frying pan...

Someone must have been camping out here.

Huh, there's something else.

A spork? I think that's everything...

...wait, what's this?

If found please return to Megan Roscoe.

Is this it? Is this what we were supposed to find?

I don't know, maybe.

What is that? Lights?

I think that's it. Where the aliens want us to go!

Let's check it out. We'll take this, it could come in handy.

What is this, candles?

Another one over here. Three of them.

Huh. Hey Evan, aim the light over here.

What is that?

More pine cones. Another trail.

Another one over here.

Over here too! The hands...they're pointed at them.

I guess we're supposed to choose a trail?

Yeah, but which one?

I don't know...

...Wait! I've seen something like this before!

What?

Have you ever seen "Apparition Anonymous?"

No. What is that?

It's a show on the History Channel about these paranormal researchers --

these scientists and cryptozoologists.

They investigate these mysteries about aliens and ghosts and stuff!

There's this one episode where they found the ghost of Hitler,

and they sealed them away in a faberge egg!

That doesn't sound like the best option.

Well this reminds me of a different episode --

the one about the haunted corn maze.

They go down this path that leads them to a clue,

which leads them to more clues,

and then eventually they get to the middle of the corn maze,

which led them to the lair of the corn dog.

The animal, not the food.

OK, so which trail should we go down?

Let's try this one, the triangle trail.

Hey Evan, can we take a break for a second?

Yeah.

Any chance you got some water?

I wish.

Ugh, this is why I'm sedentary...

Man and I'm hungry, we should have taken some snacks.

Well if we can find the car I've got some doritos.

Oh, what flavor?

Cool ranch.

Ugh, never mind.

We are so fucked.

Let's keep moving.

Hey look, more lights!

Finally...wait.

Wait, what the hell? We got turned around?

Looks like it. Here's the triangle again.

We just walked in a fucking circle.

No, we went straight ahead, I'm sure of it.

Well, it's aliens, they're fucking with us.

Yeah, they must want us to take a different path first!

Why?

Maybe there's a pattern.

Like if we go down the wrong trail they'll warp the woods around us

so that we get turned around without realizing it.

Yeah, that's gotta be it. Aliens like to manipulate the physical world!

Huh.

It'll just be trial and error.

We'll go down each path and then eventually we'll find something.

Let's take the circle trail next.

Oh no, again? I thought for sure this would lead somewhere else.

OK, I think no matter which path we take it's going to lead us back here.

No, wait.

Trying to call 911 again?

No, that won't work, remember? I'm pulling up a compass.

Phones have them built in, you don't even need a signal.

Huh.

OK, let's try this last trail, the square.

We'll go straight ahead and if the compass starts acting weird

we'll know that the woods are being twisted around!

Dude, how are you enjoying this?

What?

You said aliens are watching us -- manipulating us --

into doing whatever the fuck we're doing right now.

But we just found some woman -- Megan Roscoe's backpack.

She clearly didn't leave that on purpose. How are you not scared?

I am scared. It's just...this is something that I've always wondered about...

...always been afraid of.

Now that I'm out here experiencing it I'm just curious.

Whatever's out here doing this... there's got to be a reason.

This means something.

When did you get into all this stuff...the paranormal?

A couple years ago.

You never mentioned it.

We've barely hung out. Last time I saw you was at Toby's bachelor party.

...Yeah.

Oh shit, that's not good.

Yeah, let's keep moving.

You know, I'm curious too. About all this...

I mean I know we haven't been hurt yet but this all feels wrong.

Like we're in danger. Like something's gonna--

--Oh fuck NO!

I know that we went in a straight line,

I've been staring at this compass the entire time!

They're not gonna let us escape.

Well there has to be something. A clue we haven't found yet.

Like what?

Like...you know how in the Bigfoot podcast

Truman uses that ALR-189 tracking radar?

Uh...yeah.

Well at first it doesn't work because Bigfoot's concealing his aura!

So he adds a phantopod,

and then he was able to track Bigfoot's magnetic afterimage!

OK? I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm saying that I have an app that essentially works like a phantopod.

They also use it on Apparition Anonymous!

If i use the phantopod and the compass maybe we'll find something.

What if we just try not going down a trail?

Just go into the woods in a random direction.

No -- well, I guess we could try that.

But I think they really want us to go down these trails.

That's getting us nowhere.

But what if they get mad again and the storm starts up?

That only happened when I turned off the camera.

If i keep it going we should be fine.

Right. OK, I guess we could try it.

OK. Well there's no trail this way, so let's try going there.

All right, it says we're headed northeast.

Oh what the fuck!

You OK?

Yeah, it was like a static shock or something.

Huh.

What are you doing?

I don't know, maybe it was just a -- ow, fuck!

Yeah let's...stick to a trail.

It's all right. I can figure this out.

Again? Let's try the square trail next.

Ah, again?!

Fucking lights again, god damn it.

Oh fuck again?!

Shit! One more time.

God, fuck!

We're lucky we haven't seen any bobcats or bears.

Or Bigfoot.

Shut the fuck up dude.

Oh let me guess, we're gonna find -- oh, yep!

There they are! It's the lights!

There has to be something that we're missing.

There's gotta be a clue, there's always a clue!

OK, this isn't that show, dude. Fucking "autonomous aliens--"

--Apparition Anonymous!

OK, whatever! You can't do what they do because that shit's all fake!

This isn't fake!

We're experiencing legitimate supernatural events!

Yeah, but we're not going to find a way out with made-up shit.

This stuff you're talking about, fucking bigfoot trackers and ghost radars?

It's bullshit.

My god, dude, if aliens are watching us they're just waiting for us to die.

Like Megan Roscoe.

She probably didn't know what I do about aliens! I've read so many books,

watched so many shows on this shit, I know I can solve it!

See, all you want to do is live out this fantasy of being a paranormal investigator.

I want to get us out of here! At least I'm trying,

you're just following me around with a fucking camera.

A camera you care more about than our survival.

You know, at least there's one-- ONE good thing.

You're not doing that fucking Italian accent.

My Italian accent is good!

No it isn't! Ah, look at me!

I'm a real-a live man from Italy!

Shut the fuck up!

Ah, pepperoni!

Fuck you!

What the hell, dude?

Oh my god, and this fucking sock, holy shit.

FUCK YOU!

Are you done having your tamper tantrum?

OK, look, they want us to die out here.

We're not going to get a fucking mystery to solve.

We're not going to find clues.

This is it. We're trapped.

Well if there's even a slight possibility of us finding an exit,

I want to look for it.

OK, well I don't want to use any of these fucking apps,

like that phantopod or anything, because they do not work.

All right, fine, I'll put it away.

How about we just do one last try,

focusing entirely on trying to find something new? OK?

OK... one more time.

But I'm getting real fucking tired of walking around.

What the hell is a tamper tantrum?

Shut the fuck up.

Do you see anything?

No, nothing.

There's got to be something.

Oh no, again?!

God damn it, everything leads back to this fucking tree.

I'm out of ideas. I just thought for sure that I could solve this.

God, I'm so fucking...

What?

Where's your sock?

Oh my god, where is my sock?

It's gone, your sock is gone!

Did the aliens take it?

Holy shit!

What?

This...this isn't the same tree!

Uh...what?

Down here!

So we started at this location -- the pinecone spiral.

We walked down this trail, which led to this tree, that has three trails.

Every single time we walked down a path

we thought that the aliens were warping the woods around

so that we got turned around

and came back to where we started.

But what if actually, every single time we walk down a pathway,

that led us to a new tree with new trails?

Holy shit.

And this just kept going and going and going!

Oh my god!

This might be the pattern.

But we won't know for sure unless... come on!

What? Hey!

It's still here! I was right, I was right!

The sock is here, my map's not in the dirt, this is different!

Oh fuck yeah! Does this mean there's an exit?

Well, no. We know how the trails work

but with a pattern like this it could go on forever.

Shit, so we haven't solved anything?

Well, no, we have, but we're still lost.

Fuck!

But the trails are the only way we can go...

What if we try not going down a trail again?

But what about that forcefield thing?

Maybe there's a way through it.

Like what?

Like, OK, on that show you watch is there an episode

about a forcefield or some shit? And they gotta shut it down?

Well, not the show...but there is a podcast about this woman

who was searching for a mystical lake, and it was sealed

behind this light-bending dome.

But that was different.

Did she get through it?

Well yeah, she did, but she had to have this staff

that could refract the sunlight and reveal the hidden entrance.

But we don't have access to an artifact like that,

plus she had to steal it from a museum --

and this is different anyway, our forcefield is electric or something.

OK, if we don't have some secret mystical item...

what if we just break through?

How are we gonna do that?

Well OK, do you remember that guy in our hall freshman year-- Ryan Melby?

He stuck a coat hanger in an outlet and knocked out power to the whole floor.

Yeah, how did that guy even get into college?

I don't know. But we could do something like that,

maybe it'll shut the forcefield down.

That's not a bad idea. OK, well something metal then.

What do we have?

Uh...oh! Dude, pocketknife!

Oh shit!

OK yeah, pull out the knives, all the metal stuff.

Here, let's see where it is.

All right, try the pocket knife.

Holy shit that was close!

Dude, be careful!

It worked?

It worked!

Holy shit it worked! We need more metal! What else do we have?

Uh, car keys! Oh shit, no, I need those.

Oh dude, the frying pan!

Oh shit yeah! We're gonna have to be careful though, if this thing bounces back--

We'll hide behind the tree!

Right.

All right, I hope this works.

Holy shit. Come on!

Oh my god, we did it! We're through!

I can't believe that worked.

What do we do now?

Let's keep moving. Until we find something new.

Oh shit, that's not good.

They must know we broke out.

Yeah, but i don't think they know where we are.

That thunder's pretty far away.

You think they stopped watching us?

I mean if they thought we'd get lost in there they might not need to.

Well, let's keep moving. Try to get as far away as we can.

Wait dude, over there. Do you see that?

Yeah, what is that?

I don't know, but it's something new.

Oh shit, I've got a bad feeling about this.

Dude, Evan, be careful. Wait up.

What the fuck?

What? What's up there?

Holy shit come over here.

What the fuck? Cameras? What is this?

Holy shit dude.

Oh dude, Megan Roscoe.

I wonder what she recorded.

I don't know, there's no battery.

Yeah and it's MiniDV, probably like 10 - 20 years old.

Well here's something newer.

It's broken.

Yeah, but here -- hold this.

If i just take the micro sd card out of here...

...stick it into my own phone...

Oh shit good idea!

...I might be able to see what's on it.

Dude, there's video files.

I'll scroll to the last one.

It's the tree.

He's in the maze.

Oh shit. Dude, these cameras...they're trophies.

No dude, the aliens...

The aliens? THE alien. That thing with the eyes.

It killed that guy and it took his camera.

Same with Megan Roscoe.

If we stayed back there it was going to kill us too!

But...it doesn't just want to kill us.

It wants us to run around, get lost...and get it all on camera.

It wants a movie.

Mamma mia.

OK, we gotta get the hell out of here before it finds us.

Oh shit.

Go!

Ah, fuck!

What the fuck is that thing?

I don't know, who cares!

Did we lose it?

No!

Fuck!

Down here!

Turn the flashlight off!

Oh shit OK.

Did we lose it?

Or it's letting us think we did.

Up there.

It's leaving.

We should keep moving.

No, if we walk around aimlessly we're just making ourselves easier to find.

So what, we just sit here?

If we go out there and that thing finds us,

how long can we keep running?

We need a plan.

Have you ever heard of anything like this before?

No, that thing can call lightning down from the sky like fucking demon Thor.

I've never heard or seen anything like this...

I don't know what to do, I don't know if there's even anything we can do.

Well, there was one podcast about this electric spirit

that lived inside the old wiring of this house.

Maybe that could have helped, but I never listened to it.

Damn it, this is my fault. I should know what to do. I'm sorry.

No, I'm responsible.

What?

It's my fault we're up here. I wanted to make this stupid movie.

No man, you didn't know all this shit was gonna happen.

No, I didn't, but I forced you to come up here and make this movie because...

I didn't get the job.

What? What do you mean?

The editing job in L.A.

I don't have it yet. They thought I had made a movie

so I tried to make one before we got there.

Wow...fucking wow. And you said all this shit was to help me.

Yeah this is your fault, fucking asshole.

I know. I'm sorry. I just thought--

--Why didn't you just tell me?

What?

You could've just said this is what we had to do.

Like you'd have come with me.

"Hey, Evan, I need to make an entire movie by Friday

so I can afford to pay rent for both of us."

Would you still have come along?

No, probably not.

Yeah.

But still, dick move man.

I won't argue with that.

So we gonna finish this movie or what?

What?

That thing wants a movie.

It's gonna steal your camera to get one.

But that demon -- ghost -- whatever the fuck it is, it can fuck off.

This is our movie.

Are you serious? For real?

Yeah, but not that shitty one with Craig and Al.

We're gonna make a better movie.

And you're gonna come up with an ending right now.

Oh shit. Uh...

Come on, what do you got?

Uh, we kill that thing, and we find the car, and we get away.

OK, how do we kill it?

Uh, shit...oh! Dude you saw that thing's eyes,

that fucker's made of electricity!

Oh shit!

We take it down the same way that we did the forcefield!

Metal!

Fuckin' metal.

Oh shit I left that fucking frying pan behind.

Yeah...you still have the pocket knife, though.

Yeah, but you think that's gonna be enough?

I don't know, but it's worth a shot.

Here, you take it. I'll be the distraction.

What?

Well, I'll go out there and I'll get his attention.

Then, when it's looking at me, you throw the pocket knife.

Then when it's hurt, I'll come back around with...

...the spork.

Oh shit.

We've got this, dude.

All right, this works. Open area.

You ready?

Yeah.

OK. Hey demon!

Whatever the fuck you are, come on out!

Time to film the finale, dickbag!

Where you at, ass--

--hole!

Oh shit, OK, here we go.

Hey, over here! Demon, look at me!

It's not working!

Demon, over here! Hey, look at me, over here!

Yeah, that's right. Will, throw it!

Evan, above you!

Oh shit!

Evan! EVAN!

Fuck you!

AAGH!

Evan?!

I'm OK, it didn't hit me!

Oh shit, Will, pocket knife!

I already threw it!

Oh, fuck.

Will, a little help?!

Oh shit. OK, uh, metal...

Will, this thing's gonna kill me!

Oh! Yes!

Hey Evan, over here, use this!

Die! AAAGH!!

Hey, fuck you!

It's hurt! Throw something!

I don't have anything else!

Oh fuck!

Will, the camera!

What?

The camera! It's metal, throw it!

Fuck!

Holy shit.

We did it!

We did it! We did it, YEEEAHHH! Fuck you demon, eat shit!

YEEEEAAAHHHH!!!!!

Oh yeah...

...oh shit, is that your camera?

Yeah...

Hey, sorry about your camera.

It's OK. I took out the memory card before I threw it.

Oh shit, you've got the footage! You could still edit the movie.

I could. Hey, where'd you put my phone?

Oh, it's right here -- here you go.

Thanks.

Hey hey Rich, it's Will.

Yeah, good, good. Um, listen...

I'm not gonna be there on Friday.

No, I... I never edited a feature film.

I know I said I did but...no, I didn't.

OK, yes, I understand. Bye.

So...did you get the job?

Fuck the job.

I could do something with the footage, though.

Maybe send it into that show you like...Apparition Anonymous?

Oh shit.