Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -

Blood, blood, blood!

Hit him, you pussy!

No blood, no porn!

Rip his face off!

You motherfucker!

Gentlemen, tonight is gonna be the ultimate sleepover...

no parents, no rules, no shirts,

and best of all, "Hooker killer: Vatican City."

- What's that now? - I've read about this game.

I can't believe you got it.

It's rated "CSMBP," for "Child Services Must Be Present."

Yeah. I had to show the guy at GameStop my dick just to get it.

- Worth it. - Oh, Jay.

So I know your parents aren't going to be home,

but what about your brothers?

Those guys are manimals. They stabbed their aunt in the fucking leg.

Val and Curt? They're out all night.

Good. It'll be three almost-teenage boys

and a violent sexual video game.

- I guess that could be fun. - Oh, Andrew, my sweet boy,

it's going to be the greatest night of our lives.

Sleepover!

Lucky me! Free shards of glass.

- So what are you guys doing tonight? - We're having a sleepover.

It's at my house, and you can't come.

We're playing the new "Hooker Killer."

Okay, eww, that game is so misogynistic.

The whole point is just to kill women with jobs.

Remember, they're not women, they're hookers.

Stop quoting your dad's stupid law commercials.

If the ads are stupid, how come they went viral?

- Because they went bad viral. - There's no such thing as bad viral!

- Name one thing that's viral that's bad. - HIV.

You mean the most famous autoimmune disease in existence?

Come on!

Jay is such a jerk.

You don't need those gross boys.

- Have your own sleepover. - With who?

- I don't really have many girlfriends. - Well, what about them?

Devin and Lola?

♪ Popular girls ♪ ♪ Walkin' down the hallway ♪

♪ Flat-iron hair ♪ ♪ Calling the fuckin' shots ♪

I don't really want to be friends with the popular girls.

Of course you do. Everybody wants to be friends with Devin.

She's the queen bee.

And you want their honey. Bzzz.

- Hey, Devin. - Hey. What's up, chica?

Hola, mujer.

I know it is lasto minuto...

I'm just gonna speak in English.

Do you guys maybe want to come to a sleepover at my house tonight?

Interesting. Yeah, I've been looking to diversify my friend group.

- Wait, what? - I could use a smart girl.

- Double wait, what? - Great!

It'll be fun. We'll be like Little Women.

Little women? Are you calling me a midge? 'Cause you're a nobody.

- Lola. - Oh, no.

I think she was probably talking about the novel Little Women.

It's a touching story about sticking together

in the face of the Civil War.

Yes, that. Missy, do you want to come to the sleepover too?

- Ah! I'd love to come. - What are you doing?

I could use another smart girl there. These chicks are scary.

I've never been to a sleepover.

There's a nightgown I've been saving for a very special occasion.

It was my grandmother's. She died in it. One day I will also pass away.

Maybe in this, who knows? Maybe during the sleepover. Just kidding!

This is actually gonna be interesting.

- Let's do it. - Yeah, let's do it.

And Jessi, just like logistically, Devin is my best friend.

If you get too close to her I will literally end you.

Yay, a sleepover!

Okay, sweetie, now, you sure you don't want me to cancel?

- It's fine. - 'Cause I will.

Go have fun with Cantor Dinelle. I'll be okay.

Dad will be the designated adult.

What do you think the deal is with Sour Patch Kids?

Probably all come from different fathers, right?

- "My dad was a lemon." - "My dad was a purple."

Actually, your dad is a lemon.

- Okay, Shannon. - Okay, Greg.

Okay, you have your salicylic acid,

acne wash, and your scraping brush?

- Got 'em. - What about your special pillow?

It's not special. In fact, I might not even take it.

- You're not gonna take "Pilbo Baggins"? - Mom!

You have been on some very unexpected journeys together.

Yes, I'm being made fun of for coming up

with an awesome name for my pillow.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Glouberman. - Goodbye, sweetheart.

Bye, Mom.

Remember, Andrew... be afraid of things.

Okay, love you too, Mom.

- Hi. - Hi, Jessi.

Your house is beautiful, but your driveway needs to be repaved.

These are my parents, they're both professors.

Holy smokes! Your dog looks like Nathan Fillion.

Did you see Firefly?

Sort of a Western sci-fi genre hybrid, but...

look at ol' Dad geeking out again.

If you're a geek, then I don't wanna be cool.

Okay.

Missy, here are your snacks... edamame and carrots.

Sugar makes me spazz out.

She has what the Incans call "la fuerza de azúcar."

"Sugar strength"!

Maybe we should lay down some ground rules.

I know we're not doing bedtimes, but maybe we can sleep in shifts.

- I'd hate to lose my Saturday. - No, just relax.

Tonight is gonna be baller.

It will be baller than most... anything else.

- Am I using that at all right? - No.

Go around to the side! Kids can't use the front door.

Clients only.

- Hi, Jay. - Hey.

This place looks like the Holocaust Museum.

- Big dog! - Oh, God, big dog!

That's just our pit bull, Featuring Ludacris.

He won't hurt you guys, will you, Featuring Ludacris?

Are you a good featured artist?

He's grumpy, 'cause he has a rare medical condition

that makes him aware of his own existence.

Let me give you the tour.

My bros and I are developing a shitstorm worth of extreme sports,

like "breakball," "golf punch," and "peep-kour."

- "Peep-kour"? wow. - Have you heard of it?

No, no one ever has.

It's a cross between parkour and peeping tomfoolery.

Here, watch, check this out.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Albert. - Hi, Jay!

That was awesome.

I got 10 points 'cause I saw both their buttholes.

I love your kitchen. It looks so... what is the word?

Shitty. Do you guys have any Cokes?

Yeah, we have Cokes.

Missy, do you want some unsweetened cranberry juice?

Nope. I want to try a Coke.

Missy, aren't you not supposed to have sugar?

Oh, my God, what are you, like, her mom?

Yeah. Are you gonna divorce her dad

and then marry some guy who lives in another state,

and then sometimes your daughter has to, like, Uber to school

because it's cheaper for you to fly back on a Tuesday, or like what?

Jessi, I-I appreciate your concern,

but I'm a part of this group now and I'd like to try a Coke.

Let's do makeovers, you guys. Where's your makeup?

I don't have makeup but I do have sunscreen.

Okay, sweetie, where's your mom's makeup?

Everything I know I owe to my brothers.

Where are Val and Curt?

Oh, man. They're at some bitchin' high school party tonight.

They made me trim their pubes before they left

because they are out there swingin' dicks and bonin' chicks.

Oh, man!

Okay, so, this is our percussion room.

This is the armory.

And this is the door we never open.

And we never open it because something quite terrible is behind it...?

Andrew, it's the door we never open. Okay.

And finally, this is where the magic happens.

- Literally. - Jesus!

Was that a pigeon spray-painted white to look like a dove?

- A magician never reveals his secrets. - Okay.

Now, there's someone very special I want you guys to meet.

- That's a pillow. - No, no, no, no.

She's so much more than a pillow.

Marrone. Don't you want to just stick your dick in her?

Hey, what's that, now?

- Jay, do you... fuck the pillow? - Yeah, my same question.

Oh, yeah, guys, I fuck my pillow.

I'm sorry, my tone was off. Yes, I 100-percent fuck my pillow.

First, I make a slit.

Not too long, careful as to not rip the edges,

making what I call "the husband stitch."

Then, I take two Ziploc bags

and I fill them with Amy's Organic Lentil Soup,

which I microwave to exactly 98.6 degrees...

not enough to burn you, but just enough to feel warm and inviting.

Then I place them in the slit of the pillow.

There's another slit in the back, but that's only for my birthday.

- This kid might be a genius. - What do you do for cleanup?

I eat the soup.

It's in the bag!

You know, Jay, Andrew has a special pillow, too.

- Let me see. - No! God damn it!

Don't touch him, please.

Yours is a him. Interesting, Andrew.

It's okay, big guy. No one's touching Pilbo.

- That's your special pillow. - It's not my special pillow.

It's just a pillow. And it is normal for me

to not want Jay to stick his penis inside it.

Just a little powder, and voilà.

I'm sorry, am I gorgeous right now?

Take a selfie of yourself and get Devin in there,

so everyone knows that you fucks with the big dogs.

#Stunning.

You should see how long it takes with this dump truck.

That's funny. We can say terrible things

to each other because we're so close.

Now that I see you all made up you're like, naturally very pretty.

- Yeah, if you, like, like Jews. - Lola.

What? We're all joking. I'm a dump truck.

Guys! What should we do next?

Can I drink out of the goldfish bowl?

I won't eat the fish, maybe I will!

Missy, are you okay?

Yeah, you look kind of psycho.

Nope, I'm hunky-dory, or should I say horsey-donkey?

Make me pretty like Jessi!

Maybe you should have a drink of water or something.

Maybe you should suck my dick!

I said, make me pretty like Jessi!

Why are you wasting ammo?

You are in strangling range. Andrew!

Oh, my God, they die in real time?

Yeah, you watch their souls leave their bodies.

A nun's covering her with a blanket.

- This is fucked-up. - Grab the soul!

- Grab the soul! - I got the coins, here you go.

Okay, wash your bloody hands in the fountain,

- and we gotta get outta here. - Oh, a gela-teria.

It's pronounced gelate-ria.

How many coins do you have? We can both buy a gelato.

Hey, what the hell?

I'm sorry, were you in the middle of a game?

Val, Curt, don't be assholes!

Yeah, don't be assholes, you fucking assholes.

I thought you guys were at a cool high school party.

We did make an appearance, grabbed some tit.

That part was rad. But when you get to be our age,

you'll see those parties, they're full of fakers, full of skanks.

Would you two care to play some "Hooker Killer: Vatican City" with us?

Game for babies. You guys want to see some real sex?

We already saw your neighbors.

We're talking about one of the greatest pornographic works

in the history of skinema.

It stars the Italian Stallion himself, Mr. Sylvester Stallone.

- That's my buddy Frank's brother. - Did it before he was famous.

Just a struggling actor with a thick, meaty cock.

Yes. So tired of jacking off to the ladies from SportsCenter.

Well, I would certainly not be opposed to seeing that film.

Today's the day, Andrew Glouberman, you become a man.

Mazel tov!

I didn't wrap a napkin around the glass and I don't wear shoes! Oh, God!

Are you bitches ready?

Here she is.

I love these sock boobs. They're real bazongas.

- I like grabbing on to 'em. - That's good, 'cause nobody else will.

Oh, gosh, isn't she tragic, Jessi?

Agree with Devin. She is the alpha, and she must be satiated.

- No. - Missy is the weak one.

She must be sacrificed.

She looks like one of the meth heads

from the sex scene in Dallas Buyers Club.

Oh, my God. I don't know what that movie is, but that sounds spot-on.

Let's do nails. Let's paint them up. I want to do nails!

- Do my nails or suck my dick! - I am so glad you invited her.

Every party needs entertainment.

Normally I would just have Lola spread a rumor about herself.

I'm lesbians with my mom.

This is crazy. Why is Jay doing this?

You're an only child. You don't get it.

This is how brothers are with each other.

He's right. My brother's a real asshole. Want to see a picture?

I fuckin' love this guy.

Oh, my God! Is he dead?

Jesus, Jay, are you okay?

How long was I out?

My record is two and a half minutes. Let's do it again!

Nah. I want to see these gaywads fight.

- No, no, no. - Thank you, Curt, but I think we're good.

- Oh, you're good? - Yeah.

Okay, they're good. Well, eat my swampy ass, bitch!

You want to see porn? You gotta pay for it in blood.

Blood for sex? That's some old-school shit. I'm into it.

Blood. Nick, can I talk to you over here for a second?

Sure.

- Look, I don't want to fight you. - I don't want to be here at all.

Think we can just, you know, pretend to fight.

Yeah, maybe throw a couple soft, fake hits and then it's porn city.

- What could go wrong? - What could go wrong?

Ladies and gentleturds,

welcome to the octagon of death.

In this corner, weighing in at practically nothing,

it's "Polly Pocket" herself, the "Lilliputian Leprechaun,"

Saint Nick!

One at a time! Vegas odds only!

And in this corner: the "Fiddler on the Roof,"

the "Pubescent Delicatessen," the Gloubermensch!

Now fight!

- Little right. - Yeah, there you go.

Rip his face off!

- Sorry. - No, no, we're good.

- Too hard? - No blood, no porn!

- Nice hook. - Thank you.

Kiss! Kiss on the mouth!

Oh, shit! Are you okay? I'm sorry, man.

I'm bleeding, you asshole!

Blood? Blood.

Don't think, react! Tear his fucking head off!

- Motherfucker! - Ow!

Jesus! What the hell? We were supposed to be pretending.

Tear his face off! Hit him with the hai...

Get off me!

This is even better than "Killing Hookers."

Okay, Jessi, who do you have a crush on?

- And you can't say nobody. - I have a crush!

It's TV's Nathan Fillion. I wanna kiss him.

I don't know who that is, so he sounds stupid.

Au contraire, Nathan Fillion's a hunk!

Oh, man, I should stop her. She's on a serious sugar high.

Hush, puppy. Let her dig her own grave.

Sometimes I like to imagine a scenario where we're friends

and we solve crimes, like Castle,

but the crimes are in space, like Firefly,

and then we fall in love, but we stay best friends at the same time.

Missy, I'm falling in love with you,

but I also want to stay best friends with you at the same time.

Oh, Nathan Fillion.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you

solving space crimes, doing homework,

and listening to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

But first, let's dance the merengue.

Because I spent time in Latin America and understand other cultures.

You are so beautiful, Missy.

- May I kiss you with my mouth? - Of course, Nathan Fillion.

Ruff! Ruff!

Nathan Fillion?

- Oh, my God, this is the best thing ever. - Oh, my God.

Missy, what is wrong with you?

What? Why? Why are you mad at me?

I'm mad because you're so weird. Why can't you be more normal?

You're being really mean, Jessi. I thought we were gonna be friends.

I am trying to be your friend, but you make it so hard!

Stop yelling at me.

All I wanted was to be a part of a fun sleepover...

- Oh, my God! - No! Darn it, Nathan Fillion.

Don't eat that.

- Are we having fun or what? - Or what.

Please, it wasn't on purpose. You leaned into the punch.

Eat shit.

Okay, look, let's lighten the mood a little.

You know what we need? To harness the healing power of magic.

You gonna pull a rabbit out of your butt?

- Magic's gay. - Magic is not gay.

- It transcends sexuality. - Gay.

- You assholes unplugged our game! - Gay.

You kicked me in the face, and I take it all...

- Right up your butt? - Next to the rabbit?

I fuckin' hate you guys! These are my friends,

and you ruined a whole night sleepover!

You guys are the worst!

All right, next task: you guys have got...

No! No next task.

You said if we fought each other we could watch a porno.

And we fought each other, brother, we fought each other!

- So show me the porno. - Show us the porno.

- We've been through so much! - Show us the goddamn porno!

All right, jeez! Calm down, ladies.

I didn't realize it was this important to you.

- We can watch the porno right now. - Oh, thank God!

Just as soon as we have a light snack.

The name of the game is "Jizzcuit,"

AKA "Ookie-Cookie," AKA "Cum on a Cracker."

It's very simple. We stand around in a circle

and jerk off onto a Triscuit.

Last one to come eats it.

Wait, what's that now?

But, and here's why we're men of our word,

you get to watch the porno while you jerk off, so everybody wins.

Except for the bitch who has to eat the cum-soaked cracker.

Wow, okay, a lot to process here.

On the one hand, we get to watch porn,

but on the other we might have to eat cum.

But on the third hand, I'm looking at prepubescent Nick

and I don't think his "frosting factory's" open for business yet.

But on the fourth hand that fucker punched you in the face,

so he can eat a dick and a jizzcuit.

Pardon me, Val, may I see that cracker for a second?

Sure. It's low-sodium, for now.

What the hell, you assclown? Now we have to get another Triscuit!

You two, don't go anywhere.

- Nick, we're getting you out of here. - What? Why?

This has been a terrible night,

filled with many dark and regrettable things.

Years from now we'll talk about this at a party, thinking it's funny,

and then immediately feel embarrassed

and realize this was almost certainly child abuse.

- Let's go. - Do you think we can get out of here?

My dear boy, I make this vow... no cum shall enter your tummy.

- A broken promise I made to Rod Stewart. - Is that true?

You're picturing it, we're talking about it.

- What? - A callback to the last episode.

They're binge-watching it. You're binge-watching it, right?

I can't wait for you to see the next one. Jessi discovers her vagina.

It's a very sex-positive episode.

You just invited me here to make fun of me.

No, I didn't.

This is going to be my harrowing middle-school story

that I tell on The Moth.

Jessi, you have to see this pic of Missy kissing your dog.

- We're posting it #MissyFit. - What?

It's awesome. I got her full-on Frenching your dog.

- Come on, guys, you can't post that. - No one touches my phone!

Pull her hair out from the roots!

- Let go of the phone! - Stop trying to make out with me, lesbo!

You're not my mom!

Let go of my hair!

Rusted Root isn't rusty at all.

♪ On my way ♪ ♪ On my way ♪

Done. They're deleted.

I hate you. Your house sucks!

My God, I'm a dump truck.

I don't think you're a very nice person, Jessi.

But I deleted the photo.

But you yelled at me and you called me weird.

Honestly, Jessi, there's a special place in hell

for women who don't support other women.

Are you fucking joking, Devin? You're the ringleader of all of this!

I only went along with it so you would like me.

I only do everything so that Devin will like me.

I'm sorry you're all such beta-bitches,

and for your 411-formation, it's tough being in charge.

You don't know what it's like

being the prettiest and the most popular girl at school.

You can't know.

God!

"Prettiest" seemed kinda wedged in there.

Soldiers of fortune, your mission is to escape this house.

Okay, what do we do?

Press my nip. It's the start button.

Where do you turd burglars think you're going?

- That's coarse! - Run!

Eat my seed, gaylords!

When did he have time to jerk off?

Hyah!

- It stings! - But it's worth it!

Make a right.

- That's the door they never open. - Screw that!

Jay's mom was here the whole time?

- You boys havin' fun? - No. Your sons are insane.

We want to go home.

I didn't realize you were a bunch of pussies.

- What's that? - Huh?

Boys! We've got runners!

- My God, she's one of them. - Come and get 'em!

Oh, my God, it's Featuring Ludacris!

Me... me...

Me.

Oh, my God, we made it. That was insane!

No. No, no, wait. No.

No, no, this can't be...

Pilbo. Oh, no, I can't leave him with those monsters, Nick.

Oh, man. I'm really sorry, Andrew,

but we can't go back in there just for a pillow.

Nick, it's not just a pillow...

it's my special pillow.

- Hey, look at me. - Oh, my God.

Hey. We're going back in.

We're going to get Pilbo.

Devin! Devin!

We've got to do something.

The neighbors are gonna think you're sacrificing a goat.

Lola, I want to help you guys make up.

Like, why?

Because I would never want to come between you and Devin.

Wait, hold on, are you saying we should kill Devin,

take her skin and wear it,

and then blame the whole thing on Missy, or what?

No. I just think you and Devin belong together.

Oh, my God, that's actually, like, very sweet.

Okay, here, just repeat after me.

- Devin... - What?

Are you gonna yell at me for kissing your stepdad, too?

Wait, what? I will cut your skin off!

Lola...

Okay. Listen, I get it.

It's really hard being in charge and we're super lucky to have you.

We demand perfection and that's not fair,

but we only do it because you're honestly, like, a goddess

and that's why it's so hard to not want

to literally turn you into a human jumpsuit.

- That's all I ever wanted to hear. - Oh, my God.

- I went off-script there at the end. - I know.

Wow, you really pulled a Cyrano, Jessi.

Oh, Missy, I'm so sorry I was mean.

And I'm sorry I made you say that stuff.

I just wanted you to be popular

and have flat-iron hair

and call the fucking shots!

And I'm sorry I spazzed out.

This really has been a harrowing ordeal of emotional brutality.

So, the crying portion of the evening has concluded,

and now it's time to watch a movie.

Or we could watch Castle starring Nathan Fillion.

That sounds good to me.

Damn it, it's not here.

Andrew, do you smell that?

- Lentils. - Lentils.

♪ Heating up my lentils ♪

Back in.

Thank God, no slits.

Hey, why do you guys have all your stuff?

Because we have to go home, Jay.

Your brothers are trying to make us eat jizz.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

We found a Tostitos Scoop.

- Jay, come with us. - No, Andrew. My place is here.

Go. The window. I'll cover you guys.

Okay, aim for the trampoline.

- Nick? - Yeah, Andrew?

Can I sleep over at your place?

Sure, Andrew, if the fall doesn't cripple us

- you can totally sleep over. - Come out, wherever you are!

Look, the Alberts are still going at it.

This is the best night of my life!

Sleepover!

Wait a minute, Castle, if Arroyo's a trained lifeguard...

Then who was wearing those water wings?

This show is great. Their chemistry's undeniable.

We actually shot this scene day-for-night, L.A. for New York.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- You do a heck of a job, my man. - Thanks. You're too much.

Oh, my God, what a rush, right?

I mean, that's exciting!

Oh, Andrew.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

No, no, no. It's okay, Nick.

It's probably time for pillows to just be pillows.

But, you know, it's a bummer we went through all of that

and never got to see Stallone bone.

Actually, I did manage to grab this on the way out.

Check this out.

Andrew, nicely done.

Wait, does your family even have a VCR?

We do, but there's this Jane Fonda workout tape stuck in it.

It's kind of amazing that

Jay's not more screwed up than he is, right?

His mom called us pussies.

And his brothers make him for real eat their jizz.

Look at all these houses.

You never know how many people are inside eating jizz.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -