Original subtitles

Kids, Barney and Robin's wedding turned out

to be a life-changing weekend for all of us.

Well, not just us.

One ticket to Farhampton, please.

But I'll get to that.

- Who are you honking at? - You.

You're going 40 in a 65.

Pick it up, Grandma!

Look, I'm happy to rock it up into the 50s,

but I'm gonna need a hand... or two.

Oh, no. Not the driving gloves.

In 99.9% of highway accidents,

the driver was not wearing gloves.

Because they're stupid.

They don't help you drive better.

That's why no one wears them.

Then why is it called... the glove compartment?

I am not having this argument again.

Now, as you know, a Mosby road trip is not only safe,

but informative.

Chiggedy-check it.

Manhattan to Farhampton:

Lil' and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

That baby's stuffed to the rings with fun facts

about our unsung neighbor to the east... Long Island.

For instance, just up ahead, the historic

childhood home of Florian van Otterloop,

the Dutch bucklesmith

who revolutionized the belt industry.

Uh, fun story about that color-blind genius.

- When he... - Please stop!

Well, I was just gonna slow down for pictures,

but that level of enthusiasm can't go unrewarded.

Hmm.

Oh, look at my little cousins

in their flower girl dresses.

Aw, they'll look so cute next to the ring bear.

Yeah.

Wait, you said ring bear-er, right?

Ring bear.

Ring bear-er.

Ring bear.

Are you planning some crazy stunt

with a dangerous wild animal at our wedding?

Because...

- Oh, oh, sorry, - sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, boy.

My brother wants to know

what time he "goes on" at the reception.

What does that mean?

Every wedding he attends, James insists on...performing.

Islands in the stream

That is what we are

No one in between...

So? What do you got against K-Rodge?

Everybody loves The Gambler.

Wait for it.

How can we be wrong?

Sail away with me to another world

And we rely on each other, uh-huh!

That is nothing.

I have invited Scherbatskys from all over Canada,

and they are Canuckin' nuts.

Like my cousin Ruth from the Yukon.

I don't like to encourage Canadian stereotypes,

but that woman practically rides a moose.

Does she actually ride a moose?

Yeah.

And, uh,

I'm worried she'll bring it to the wedding.

She and the moose are... very close.

Whoa.

Every wedding's got a wild card, but we've invited a whole set.

Someone is gonna ruin this wedding.

It's just a question of...who.

I'm gonna ruin this wedding!

My wife is gonna kill me!

Flight attendants prepare for departure.

We were gonna move to Italy for her dream job,

so I brought my son here to Minnesota

to see my mom before we left.

And then I got offered a job as a judge

in New York City, which is my dream.

But that'll totally destroy her dream!

You are destroying a lot of dreams right now.

Wait.

If I got this...

Aren't you gonna check that?

No.

It-It's just another obnoxious update

from Marshall's mom.

She's been posting

these "cute" baby pics of Marvin,

but it's all just propaganda.

First, it was "Don't move to Italy."

Followed by an extremely subtle guilt trip.

And then, randomly preachy.

Nah, not looking.

It's just gonna piss me off.

Why are we exiting again?

Well, if you turn in your binder

to the section labeled "Mennonite Windmills..."

Get back on the expressway now.

The expressway's for gloveless amateurs.

I'm done.

There's a train station coming up; just drop me off.

Okay, but some newfangled train's not gonna stop

at the 40-foot-tall butter churn in Ronkonkoma!

Yes, but unlike any of your 18th-century stops,

at least the train will have a 21st-century toilet!

You're a 21st-century toilet!

Train now!

Fine!

Okay, so far, I've got 12 wild cards,

not counting the ring bear.

Ring bear-er.

Oh, oh, here's another one.

You know how I found out that I'm one-quarter Canadian

but I've completely blocked that out

because your nation's ridiculous and I'm awesome?

Sure.

Well, turns out, I have a crazy cousin Mitch

on that side of the family.

That's funny.

I have a crazy cousin Mitch, too.

But I guarantee he is crazier than yours.

He built his own house from timber he chopped down

from other people's houses.

That's funny.

My cousin Mitch is a lumberjack.

Except mine has six fingers.

On one hand or total?

Total.

Are truckers always beating him up?

Yes, because he has to...

...hitchhike with his middle finger.

Wait.

Is it possible that we're...

Could...c-could... could we be...?

Shh...

Ranjit, could you be a dear and pull over for a second?

Pulling over!

All right, train.

Let's show your critics you're not just a Dumpster on wheels

full of drunk idiots.

We're being held at this station

until further notice.

I got to sober up.

Eriksen residence, Judy speaking.

Why did you post that judge photo?

Because I'm guilty...

of being one proud mama!

Lily doesn't know that I took the job,

so if she sees it, I'm dead.

Just take it down, okay?

Fine.

Let me just get on the online

so I can Internet.

I love the lingo!

Look, Mom, just-just...

click on the photo on your wall,

and then under "menu," click on "options."

Some kind of advertisement popped on.

Oh, my.

That appears to be pornography.

Just click on "options."

It's men with other men.

Just click on "options"!

Excuse me!

Are there any other seats left on this plane?

- No. - Hell, I've been going to Pilates.

I can just hang on to the landing gear like this.

Sorry, ma'am.

I only signed up for Pilates,

I haven't actually started going yet.

I didn't sign up.

No, I'm not looking.

I don't need to see my child used against me.

My sweet, beautiful child who I haven't seen in a week...

whose head smells like love and unicorn teardrops,

and why are trains so lonely? Damn it, I'm looking!

Hey, are you okay?

You look stressed.

Plus, you muttered a few words out loud.

I heard "lonely" and "unicorn,"

which actually gave me a great idea

for a children's book, so thank you.

Are you okay?

No.

But there's nothing you can do.

Do you want a cookie?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Wow.

You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train.

I like how trusting you are.

There could be drugs or poison in there.

But there's not, is there?

No idea, I found them under my seat.

No! Kidding! Sorry!

You looked stressed, so I thought you could use a cookie,

then I thought you could use a joke.

I should have stopped at the cookie.

You know what?

I don't care if these are poisoned.

There's chocolate and peanut butter

and caramel in these sumbitches.

I call them "Sumbitches"!

And that's how Lily met your mother.

Are Cousin Mitch and I directly related?

No, Mom, I'm asking

is Cousin Mitch a blood relative?

I'm not asking about Cousin Pete,

I'm asking about Cousin Robin!

Mitch! Cousin Mitch!

Well, just find out from Uncle Frank

and call me back!

Well, then, go visit Cousin Cecil

at his sky-diving school and ask him!

Oh, God, he did?

Well, I guess that can happen

no matter how experienced you are.

I'm so sorry.

My cousin Cecil...

got fired.

Oh.

That's a relief.

He was so distraught, he jumped off a bridge; he's dead.

Um... I'm so sorry for your loss.

It may be our loss.

Just click on "options"!

All I see is a man holding a bratwurst!

Oh.

No, the pornography's back.

I said, please turn off all electronic devices.

Oh.

This isn't an electronic device.

This is actually a toy.

For my son.

We call it Phone-y.

I call you phony.

We can't take off till you hang up.

Okay, enough. Give me that phone!

Just click on "options."

I don't see it!

I said, give me the phone!

I'm trying. - Just click on "options"!

Stop yelling at me!

- Just click on "options." - Give me the phone.

Click on "options"!

I don't see it. - Click on... I have a baby!

Please, I-I have to get to New York.

Yeah, well, you should have thought about that

before you attacked me.

All right, boys, you got this?

Good.

Let's get this bird in the air. Ah, you're both

banned from this flight.

So I was driving with my friend, who thinks he's

"The Road Trip Master."

He has leather driving gloves.

Who wears those?

Huge dorks, that's who.

Your mother was lying.

She had her own pair.

And he always makes us stop

to see some weird roadside attraction

no one except him gives a crap about.

Nerd alert.

Kids, you remember the seven-hour detour

on our road trip to Disney World

so your mother didn't miss that goat in South Carolina

who could blow smoke rings.

And he won't go one mile an hour over the speed limit.

That would drive me crazy.

I would give him a humiliating nickname

until he stopped driving like a little girl.

It was "Lady Tedwina Slowsby."

And it worked.

Okay, look, if it's true, if we are...

You know.

It's really not that big a deal.

Okay, we-we know we won't have kids.

And even if we did,

King Joffrey's parents were brother and sister,

and he was a fair and wise leader.

Yeah. Look, no one ever needs to know but us.

Exactly.

I know.

We might have to...

Take care of Ranjit.

Hey, you just finished my...

Creepy telepathic murder thought.

Oh, it must be a soul mate thing.

Unless...

it's a weird cousin thing.

So we'll be good either way, right?

Honey?

That's right...sweetie.

Now, get over here, you.

Gah, just try and stop me.

- Aw. - Ooh, ooh.

Ooh, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Well, I can't wait till tonight.

I have got some

naughty-naughty-naughty things planned.

Aw.

Oh, wow, you have certainly piqued my incest.

Interest. Interest!

I still can't believe he dragged me to the childhood home

of some stupid bucklesmith no one's ever even heard of.

Yeah, who cares about Florian van Otterloop?

I never told you his name.

Sumbitch?

I mean, why'd he have to act that way?

He knows I hate how he gets on road trips.

It almost seems like he wanted you to storm off.

But we're going to the same place.

There's no reason why he'd want to ditch me.

And suddenly Lily remembered that a week ago,

I'd helped Robin look for her long-lost locket.

But it was gone.

Then Lily told me the locket actually got stashed

in my pencil box, but when I opened it...

the locket wasn't there.

Good. 'Cause that locket's trouble.

How? It's-it's just a friendly,

innocent wedding gift.

It's not innocent.

Ted, you think

if you can get that locket for Robin you'll win her back.

Lily, I've let it go.

- I mean... - What?

There's, like, a one percent chance

that Stella has the locket from when we lived together.

Promise me you didn't call the woman who left you

at the altar so that you could find that locket.

Of course not.

I e-mailed her.

Ted.

But Stella's living in L.A. now.

And even if she has it,

it's buried in some storage unit.

She said I'd have to fly out there

and look for it myself.

Promise me you aren't about to do that.

I promise.

Sumbitch!

You better hope when Sweaty finally gets off that phone,

he can get me on the next flight to New York.

I got the password from my mom.

I'm gonna take that photo down myself.

You know, I don't give a damn about your photo.

My daughter is giving a big speech for the Model U.N.

at her school, and I'm gonna miss it because of you.

Her father and I are separated.

She lives with her dad.

And if I don't make it...

she's never gonna trust me again.

I'm so sorry.

Wow, that worked on you?

Let's hope Pit Stains is as dumb as you are.

What? Why is this so hard for my mom?

All you do is you click the photo,

and then you click on the...

I don't see... I don't see "options."

Just click on "options."

But where is it?

Just click on "options."

Is it up on the toolbar?

Just click on "options." It's not there!

Just click on "options"!

Hi, Grandma.

You-you can explain how Cousin Mitch is related to us?

Explain, Grandma, explain!

Okay, he married Barney's dad's cousin Renee,

who he met selling Vachon cakes

outside a curling bonspiel in Chicoutimi.

English, Grandma, English!

And on our side of the family, he was adopted

because his real parents were eaten alive

by their sled dogs?

That's awesome! Thanks, Grandma.

So...

So you and I share no DNA whatsoever.

Let's change that.

Don't hold back.

This divider is totally soundproof.

Go all the way.

Wait till the hotel?

Totally.

Hey, you know what?

I'm not worried about a wild card at our wedding anymore.

Whether it's Uncle Vic or Aunt Shelly

- or the ring bear. - Ring bear-er. Er.

Whether any of those mammals go rogue,

our wedding is gonna be legendary.

No "wait for it"?

I've got you.

I don't have to wait for it anymore.

It's a long story,

but if we don't beat my friend out to that wedding,

it's gonna be bad.

This is too stressful. I-I need to see Marvin!

No! You made me promise not to let you look,

because it's only gonna upset you.

Here, have another sum...bitch.

No more sumbitches?

Give me the damn phone!

Just go to "edit" on the toolbar!

No, "account settings"!

Just click on "options."

Stop!

It can't be done.

That photo is etched in eternity.

Long after humanity's reign has ended,

the only traces of our civilization found

by Earth's new ape masters will be

the top of the Statue of Liberty

and this photo of me pretending to be

a judge with a banana gavel.

Well, they'll probably like the banana thing.

The ape masters?

Sorry. Lily's gonna see it,

and we're gonna have the biggest fight of our lives.

Oh, I wish I could see your wife kick your ass.

I don't mean a physical fight.

She's not an animal.

I'm sorry I tried to bite you.

I'm sorry that I swatted you on the nose

with a rolled-up magazine.

It's the only way I'll learn.

Look, I haven't seen my baby in a week.

You know what?

Go for it.

It's gone!

It's gone!

You did it!

No new insulting Marvin photo.

Hmm.

No new insulting Marvin photo.

I know I'm just a stranger on a train

who you tried to bite, but... do you want a hug?

Lily! What the hell?

Ted and I had some road trip issues.

- Did he put on the gloves? - Mm-hmm.

That tackle was justified.

- What's this? - It's for you.

Don't open it.

With all the big changes coming up,

I just wanted Robin to remember her friends.

We all want nothing but happiness for you and Barney.

Right, Lily?

Right.

Oh, wow.

That was, what, eight years ago?

Yeah.

Eight years.

Thanks, Ted.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna get checked in.

Okay.

Marshall's flight just took off.

My boys will be here soon.

Oh, yay.

Actually, Lily's boys were just learning there was

only one more flight to New York with one seat left,

and it was all the way across the airport.

You're not gonna tackle me again, are you?

I'm the maid of honor.

There's a good chance that that won't be

my only tackle of the weekend.

It wasn't.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just got it in my head that you somehow managed

to track down that locket in Los Angeles,

and now you were gonna blow up the wedding.

You really think I'm that crazy?

I guess that's fair.

Look, even though I was wrong, tell me you aren't thinking

about doing anything insane this weekend.

Of course not.

And all I can say, kids,

is at that moment, I really thought I meant it.

But the truth is... you never know

who's gonna be the wild card at a wedding.

Hi. One ticket to Los Angeles, please.

It's simple as that...