All language subtitles for Chris.Rock.Kill.the.Messenger.2008.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-monkee

♪ Yeah, weed and syrup ♪

♪ Till I die ♪

♪ Okay ♪

♪ New playaz circle ♪

♪ As a matter of fact,
it's gonna kill me ♪

♪ Bitch ♪

♪ 'Cause you ain't, ha! ♪

♪ Tell 'em, shorty ♪

♪ So get high,
tell 'em, Weezy ♪

♪ Or get low, yeah ♪

♪ If I don't do nothing,
I'ma ball ♪

♪ I'm counting all day
like a clock on a wall... ♪

♪ Now go and get your money,
little duffle bag boy ♪

♪ Said go and get your
money, little duffle bag boy ♪

♪ Get money,
and I ain't never ran from a nigga ♪

♪ And I damn sure ain't
'bout to pick today to start running ♪

♪ Look, honey,
I ain't never ran from a nigga ♪

♪ And I damn sure ain't
'bout to pick today to start running ♪

♪ Get money,
the beat so hot ♪

♪ The flow
is so ice-cold ♪

♪ Walk into
the Gucci store... ♪

What's up?
Yeah.

Yeah.

What's up, Johannesburg?

What's up, New York?

What's up, London?

Ah, yes, in Joburg.

I finally made it.

Whoo!
Now let's hope

I make it
the fuck out of here.

'Cause it is violent
right about now.

And I ain't talking
about the jungle.

Oh, man, it's good
to be here, man.

It's so good
to be here.

First time
I'm ever playing Africa.

Africa... first time playing
Africa, South Africa.

I was on safari
with my family out there,

taking pictures of the animals.
And you're driving around.

And you got this guy...
what you call "the tracker."

A tracker
is amazing,

'cause you're just
driving around

and the tracker goes,
"Stop, stop, stop, stop."

And you stop the Jeep.
And he leans down

and puts his finger
in some piss.

He's like, "Ahh,

15 miles
to the right

should be zebra."

And you get there

and there's zebra.

There's zebra.
Wow, zebra!

And you're driving some more,
and he says,

"Stop, stop, stop, stop."
And he leans down

and picks up a little
shit pellet and,

"Mm, ahh, mm,

13 miles
to the left...

rhinoceros."

And you get there,
and there's a rhino right there!

And you're like,
"How the fuck's he do this shit?"

And it was beautiful.

I'm out there taking
pictures of the rhino.

And I took the pictures
of the zebra.

And I was having a good time.
And I'm out there with my family.

And I felt great till I
looked over at another Jeep

and I saw a bunch of white
people taking pictures of me.

I was like, "Shit."
I was like, "Hey, I'm no animal!"

But they had a tracker
tracking my black ass.

Evidently,
I must have dropped some chicken or something

at another spot.
And they're like,

"Ah, chicken bone.

13 miles to the left,
niggas will be there."

But this is
a crazy time, man.

This is the time
to be onstage,

just the time
to do a special, man.

'Cause this
a special time.

A lot's going on right now.
That's right.

Big election year
in the United States.

That's right.
It ain't your election,

but you're paying attention.
You're damn right, you are.

That's right.

George Bush
has fucked up so bad,

he made it hard
for a white man

to run for president.

People are like,
"Give me a black man or a white woman,

a giraffe,
a zebra...

anything but another
white man.

That last one
fucked up my roof."

And who do we have
running for president?

Who the hell is running
for president?

We've got two guys, man.
Got John McCain.

John McCain,
72 years old.

He was too old
10 years ago.

72... he's so old,

he used to own
Sidney Poitier.

Come on, man.

I don't need a president
with a bucket list.

72 years old.
My God.

How many 72-year-old
people did you see today,

just doing shit?

72... old people don't even
use old people to do shit.

Seventy-fucking-two... two.

You see,
he hired his nurse

to be his
vice president too.

What the fuck
is on her mind?

Sarah Palin out there
shooting mooses and shit,

holding up the moose
and shit.

I see her holding
a dead moose.

I'm like,
"What the fuck is Michael Vick in jail for?"

Shot a moose.

What the fuck?

My God!

John McCain,
how you gonna make decisions about the future

when you ain't gonna
be here?

He's old.

The motherfucker's
too old.

When you die
at 72,

no matter what you die of,
it's natural causes.

Even if you get hit
by a truck,

it's natural causes.

'Cause if you was younger,
you'd have got out the way.

You know, you got
a real choice, man...

Barack or McCain.

They're trying to...
McCain just got that old story.

This motherfucker's been
telling the same story

for 40 fucking years.

He a war hero.
He a war hero.

He a war hero
that got captured.

There's a lot of guys in
jail that got captured.

Shit.

Fuck that. I don't want to vote
for nobody that got captured.

I want to vote for the
motherfucker that got away.

That's who
we've got, man.

So who's he
running up against?

Barack Obama.

Barack Obama, man.

Barack Obama.

Yes, a black man

with a black name.

I know it ain't
that black here,

but in America
that's about as black

as a name could get.

Barack Obama.

That's right,
next to Dikembe Mutombo.

That's right.
Barack, man...

he don't let his blackness
sneak up on you.

You know,
if his name was Bob Jones or something,

it might take you
two or three weeks

to realize
he's black.

But as soon as you hear,
"Barack Obama,"

you expect to see a
brother with a spear...

just standing on top
of a dead lion.

Arr!

Barack Obama.

You expect to see

the bass player from the
Commodores come out.

♪ Too hot ta trot
now, baby ♪

♪ Too hot ta trot ♪

♪ Baby. ♪

I'm not talking about
Lionel Richie.

I'm talking about them
shining niggas behind him.

Barack Obama.

We ain't never seen
a brother like

Barack Obama,

looking nice.
The brother is young... young!

Every time I see Barack,
I'm like,

"So when you getting
back with New Edition?"

Just a young brother,
my God.

And Barack is so calm
and cool,

sometimes I think
he doesn't even realize

he's the black
candidate,

like he thinks
he can win this thing

fair and square.

Like he thinks
having the most votes

is gonna mean
something.

Shit.

They will change
this whole system

on his black ass
overnight.

You better ask the Indians
about white men and rules.

They will change
all this shit

with a straight face too.

"Hey, man, you got the most votes.
Too bad you lost.

That's how
we used to do it.

We don't really count votes
that much no more."

They don't give
a fuck, boy.

And they
in Barack's ass.

Whoever Barack knows
is being investigated.

If you know
Barack Obama,

they are tapping
your phone right now.

They are in your ass.
And that's where McCain has the advantage.

'Cause all his friends
are dead.

Yeah, man.

But this whole election
is so weird.

Just the way
the report on it,

the way
they cover it...

everything's so racial,
racial, racial.

How many white people are voting?
How many working-class white people?

How many white people over 4'8"
are voting for Barack Obama?

You know?
And the crazy thing is,

whenever white people
vote for Barack Obama,

which is
a lot of the time,

they go,
"Well, you know,

they listened
to the issues

and they felt Obama spoke
to their issues.

They went over
the issues.

They weighed
the pros and cons.

And they felt that Obama
spoke to their issues."

And whenever black people
vote for Barack, they go,

"Well, they black. He black.
I guess that's why."

Like we don't even have names
on our ballots and shit.

Like it's just
scratch-and-sniff

on our ballots
and shit.

Like it's just pictures
of milkshakes.

"Oh, strawberry... no.

Chocolate.
Chocolate.

I vote chocolate.
That's what I want."

Don't get me wrong.
Don't get me wrong.

We are very excited
about Barack Obama.

We... black people are very
excited about Barack Obama.

But we're not just voting
for him because he's black.

We're voting for him because he's
black and qualified, you know?

That's why I'm voting
for the motherfucker, yeah.

That's why
we're behind him.

You know, it's not like
we're voting

for Flavor Flav.

Yeah, boy.

Flavor Flav.

Hey, I love Flavor.

I've loved him
for 20 years.

I love
"The Flavor of Love" show.

I think it's quite
entertaining.

But Flavor Flav
must be killed.

In order
for black people

to truly reach
the promised land,

Flavor Flav
has to be shot.

These are
important times.

We got a black man
running for president.

We don't need a nigga
running around

with a fucking clock
around his neck

and a Viking hat
on his head.

Not this year, Flavor.
Put a suit on, nigga.

Put a suit on.

Not this year, Flav.
Not this year.

No, no, no.

But we're very...
we've very, very, very excited, man.

We're very excited.
I'll tell you this right now,

white people
that are here:

if Barack Obama wins,

if you have
any activity

in your life
that involves black people

that is supposed to happen
the day after election day,

it will not
get done.

Election day
is Tuesday.

That Wednesday don't
schedule no black shit.

Like, if you
gotta fly,

ain't nobody
carrying your bags.

You got to get your own
motherfucking bag.

We got a black president,
motherfucker.

Shit.

But, yo,
it's gonna be hard

for Barack Obama
to be president, man.

'Cause Barack Obama has
to overcome a handicap

that the other candidate
does not have to overcome.

That's right.
It's gonna be hard

for Barack Obama
to be president,

because Barack Obama has

a black wife.

And I don't think
a black woman

can be first lady
of the United States.

Yeah, I said it.

I said it in Johannesburg,
I said.

I said it in London,
England, I said that shit.

I said it at the Apollo Theater,
I said that shit.

I don't believe a black
woman can be first lady.

You know why?
'Cause a black woman

cannot play the background
of a relationship.

Don't get me wrong,
a black woman

can be president
with no problem.

First lady...
too much shutting up in that job.

Can you imagine

telling your black wife
that you're president?

Honey, I won.
I'm president.

"No, we president."

And I want my girlfriends
in the cabinet.

I want Kiki to be
Secretary of Defense.

She can fight.
She can fight.

No, no, you can't have
no black first lady.

That's too much work
for the Secret Service.

They'll say, "We can't let her through, sir.
We can't let her through."

"That's my fucking wife, man."
"She's gonna kill you."

Nah, nah, nah.

That's right.
If Barack Obama

really wanna
be the president,

he got to get him
a white girl.

Yeah, I said it.

Why?
'Cause a white girl

will play
her position.

The black girl wanna
play your position.

If you wanted a quarterback going,
"Hike, hike!"

she's right next to you...
"Hike, hike!"

"We can't both hike."
"I don't give a fuck."

That's right.
You get you a white girl,

she do exactly
what you need her to do.

"I need you to run left,
slant right."

"Okay, Daddy,
I got you."

And you win.

Ooh, black women get mad
when I say that shit, boy.

"Oh, you need a white girl?
You think you need a white girl?

Fuck you,
motherfucker.

Think you need
a white girl.

Soon as y'all get a little money,
you want a white girl.

Soon as you get a little money,
you want a white girl."

Actually, before we
get money.

Oh!

Oh, don't worry.
I'ma bring it back.

Black women get pissed off
at some interracial dating, boy.

Black women get mad
as a motherfucker.

Black women get angrier
than Southern white men.

They get
pissed the fuck off.

Especially if
they see, like,

a white girl with a
famous black man,

ooh, they get
fucking mad.

They see, like, a white girl
with Denzel Washington,

they fucking
starts shaking.

They're ready to punch that
white girl in the face.

"What the fuck
you doing with Denzel?

Trying to take
our good black men.

We only got eight."

That's right.
Black women get mad.

They get mad at us,
the black men.

They get mad.
They get mad at us

'cause we like to exercise
our variety.

That's right.
That's right.

Black men like to
exercise their variety.

When the black man
is looking for a mate,

we check out
the whole menu of women.

We're like,
"Uh, you got any specials?"

Sisters get mad.
Sisters will get in your face, like,

"Oh, you don't like
your mother."

They get all up
in your grill.

That's right. But they act like
they're mad at the black men,

but no, they're not
mad at us.

They're mad
at themselves.

That's right.
Yeah, I said it. I said it.

Yeah, I'm looking
right at y'all.

I said it.
You are mad at yourselves.

'Cause I'ma tell you
the real reason

black women get so mad
at interracial dating.

Oh, I'ma break it
the fuck down tonight.

The real reason

black women get so mad
at interracial dating...

it ain't all black women,
but it's most black women.

The real reason
black women get so angry

at interracial dating
is cause black women

are not attracted
to white men.

Don't get me wrong.
They'll fuck a pretty white boy.

They'll fuck
Matthew McConaughey

or George Clooney,
Brad Pitt...

They'll give Beckham
some pussy, yes.

But black men...
our standards ain't that high.

We'll fuck
any white girl.

A matter of fact,
the bigger, the better.

It's just more white
to love.

There's white women
in this room right now

don't even have scales
in their house.

They know
they're gaining weight

when too many black guys
start hitting on 'em.

"These black guys
are all over me.

I gotta work out."

That's right.
Black men love a big white woman.

Shit,
a black man will drop-kick Keira Knightley

to get
to Rosie O'Donnell.

We'll tear that
Rosie pussy up, boy.

Shit, move that gut
to the side.

There's some good pussy
under there.

We don't give a fuck.

We'll fuck
the whole "View."

Rosie, Barbara Walters,
Joy Behar.

It'd be the view
from the back of that ass.

Shit, we'll fuck Rachael Ray
right after that shit.

Fucking Rachael Ray with
her plump ass and shit...

I'll fuck her right in
the arm fat right here,

right in this
motherfucker.

Right in
this motherfucker.

"Now, whose arm
is this?"

Just need a crease.

That's all a nigga needs,
is a crease.

Just a crease, nigga.
Just a crease.

I'll fuck her
in the arm fat

and have her make me
some biscuits

when that shit's over.

That's right, man.
That's right.

And that's what makes
black women so mad.

'Cause they know
Rosie O'Donnell

can walk into any
black club

in Harlem tonight
and get her black man.

She don't even
like men.

But she can get
her black man.

And it don't work
the other way around.

There ain't a bunch
of black women out there

trying to fuck
George from "Seinfeld."

That's right,
if you see a black woman

with an overweight
white man,

that means her credit
is fucked up.

Like, she is
in financial straits.

"Girl, what you
doing with him?"

"They was gonna take
my car."

Yes, yes, yes, man.

Yes, yes, yes,
man.

I don't know, man,
this whole...

let's go back to the election for a second,
man.

It don't matter who wins
this election right now.

Don't matter...
Barack or McCain.

It don't matter right now
'cause Bush is still in charge.

George Bush
is still in charge.

And nobody gives
less of a fuck

than George Bush.

You think
you don't give a fuck?

Bush don't give
a fuck.

Nobody gives less than a
fuck than George Bush.

If you was hanging
from a cliff,

getting ready
to fall to your death,

that's right,
and Bush was on top of the cliff,

and all you needed was
a fuck to save your life,

and Bush had
a pocketful of fucks,

he wouldn't
give you one.

"Hey, Bush,
I need a fuck."

"Oh, you know
I don't give a fuck."

"Here's a fuck.
Psych!"

Bush is
unbelievable, man.

This guy's
unbe-fucking-lievable.

Just the things
that have gone down

since he's been
the president...

it's unprecedented
how bad this guy is, okay?

He ain't the worst President
of the United States.

He's the worst president
of presidents.

He's the worst
PTA president,

president of
the block association,

President of Major League
Baseball,

World Wide Wrestling
Federation...

the worst
president ever.

This motherfucker...

just the shit that has gone
down since he's been president

is unbelievable, man,
unbe-fucking-lievab...

The mortgage crisis
going on right now,

people losing
their houses.

One month
your mortgage is $900,

the next month
it's $9,000.

You gotta look outside
to see if you moved.

"Oh, shit, this can't be
the same neighborhood."

Gas is
through the roof.

Gas is so expensive
right now,

soon they gonna start
selling gas in bars.

It's gonna be like,

"I want to send
a half a tank

to the little lady over
there in the red."

I think pretty soon

people are gonna be
fucking for gas.

I think people
already fucking for gas.

Some of y'all
in here tonight

are fucking
for gas.

Like, "Girl,
why you with him?"

"He filled up
my tank."

Ladies, if a man
fills up your tank,

you gotta fuck him.

A quarter of a tank...
a hand job.

Gotta get to work, right?
Gotta get to work.

Gas is so fucking
expensive.

I don't even get it.
So let me get this straight:

We invade
a country with oil...

with oil...

but gas costs more?

That don't make
no fucking sense.

Now,
I didn't go to no fancy school or nothing,

but I'll tell you this
right now...

If I invade
Kentucky Fried Chicken,

wings will be cheap
at my house.

Yeah.

Like, gas
is so expensive now,

whenever I fill up
my tank,

I just whip out
my dick

and jerk off
right at the gas station.

That's what I do.
If I fill it up,

I jerk it off.

You know why?
'Cause when I spend that type of money,

I'm used to coming.

You ought to try it.

Next time you running low,
you'll get happy.

"Oh, shit,
I'm almost out of gas.

Good."

That's right, man.

Shit, fucking gas
is through the roof.

That shit is
no joke, man.

You know, and they're just
trying to get you, man.

They keep saying, you know,
"Is America ready for a black president?

Is America ready
for a black pr...?"

I hope Barack wins, man.
I hope he wins.

I really do.

I hope he wins.

I hope he wins
just so,

as a black parent,
I can stop giving that,

"You can do whatever
you wanna do, baby" speech.

That my kids can just
go out and shit.

I don't have to say this bullshit
every time they walk out the door.

"No matter
what they say,

you can be
whatever you wanna be."

'Cause white parents don't
have to say that shit.

'Cause it's obvious,
that's why.

You try to say that shit to a white kid,
he goes,

"Yeah, I know, I know.

I know, I can be anything.
I know, I know.

I know, if I work hard,
I can be anything.

Yeah, I know, I know.
You know what?

Even if I don't
work hard,

I can be anything."

Tired of that shit, man,
but they keep saying the same thing.

"Is America ready
for a black president?

Is America ready for
a black president?"

Well, we should be.

We just had
a retarded one.

America, man...
crazy.

So much going on
right now.

And race
is the big issue,

the biggest issue
in the world right now.

Race... it's a big
thing, man.

Racism all over the world...
it will never die.

It will never die.
It will only multiply, baby.

Racism all over the world.
Even in my life there's some racism.

People go, "Really?"
Yeah, yeah. Yes, in my life.

I will give you an example of
how race affects my life, okay?

I live in a place called
Alpine, New Jersey.

I live in Alpine,
New Jersey, right?

My house cost
millions of dollars.

Don't hate the player,
hate the game.

In my neighborhood,

there are
four black people.

Hundreds of houses,
four black people.

Who are these black people?
Well, there's me,

Mary J. Blige,

Jay Z and Eddie Murphy.

Only black people
in the whole neighborhood.

So let's break it down.
Let's break it down.

Me... I'm a decent comedian.
I'm a'ight.

Mary J. Blige,
Mary J. Blige...

one of the greatest R&B singers
to ever walk the Earth.

Jay Z... one of the greatest
rappers to ever live.

Eddie Murphy...
one of the funniest actors

to ever, ever do it.

Do you know what the white man
that lives next door to me

does for a living?
He's a fucking dentist.

He ain't the best
dentist in the world.

He ain't going
to the Dental Hall of Fame.

He don't get plaques
for getting rid of plaque.

He's just a
yank-your-tooth-out dentist.

See, the black man
gotta fly

to get something that the
white man can walk to.

That's right, baby.

Shit, I had to make miracles
happen to get that house.

I had to host the Oscars
to get that house.

And to this day,

I don't even believe
it's my house.

That's why I keep a backpack
right by the door...

just in case
the white people

that really own the place
show up one day.

"Time to go, Blacky."

"Damn, I knew
this day would come.

Good thing
I'm packed."

Do you know what a black
dentist would have to do

to move into my
neighborhood?

He'd have
to invent teeth.

Racism, man.
Racism's out there, man.

Only thing that makes me
more angry than racism...

Only one thing makes me
more angry than racism...

is black people that
are shocked at racism.

'Cause whenever something
racist goes down,

they always manage
to find one black person

that can't
believe it.

"I can't believe
Imus would say that."

I'm like,
"Where the fuck you from?"

There's nothing a white
person could ever say to me

that will ever
catch me off guard, ever.

I'm always looking
for some racism.

No matter where the fuck I'm at,
I'm like,

"Where the racism at?
Where it at? Where it at?"

No matter
where I'm at.

I could be sitting down
with Regis Philbin,

doing an interview,
talking about "Madagascar 2,"

saying, "Yeah, Regis,
'Madagascar 2' is real good, man.

I play a zebra again.
Oh, this motherfucker is great."

And right in the middle
of the interview,

Regis would pull a pencil
out of his pocket,

stab me in the neck and say,
"Take that, you fucking nigger.

Take that, you dirty,
greasy nigger.

Take that,
you fucking nigger."

And I'll be like,
"I should have seen it coming.

I let Regis
get too close."

I'll be mad at me.
I'll apologize.

"Hey, man,
I left my neck all out, man.

I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry."

Yeah, man.
Race, man.

Big now.
We live in a crazy time, man.

We live
in an insane time, man.

We live in a time
where...

where, if you say the wrong thing,
you in trouble.

We live in... this is the first
time in the history of the world

when white men actually have
to watch what they say.

White men are getting
in trouble

for saying the wrong words, man.
It's unbelievable, man.

And a lot of white guys...
"Hey, man, that's not fair.

You can say
whatever you want.

You can say 'nigger.'"

Yeah, when I last checked,
that was the only advantage

I had
to being black.

You wanna switch places?

You scream "nigger"
and I'll raise interest rates.

Yeah, this is the first time
in the history of the world

when white men
have to watch their tongue.

You know, white guys,
don't worry about it.

You know, that's how
life works, man.

That's how life works.

Sometimes the people
with the most shit

have to shut up
and let other people

talk shit about 'em.

That's how life works.
That's right.

Sometimes the people
with the most shit

get to say
the least shit,

and the people
with the least shit

get to say
the most shit.

So if you wanna
say more shit,

get rid of some
of your shit.

That's how
the world works, man.

Some people get to talk
about other people,

and that's just
how it goes, man.

For instance,
like, fat girls

can say whatever they want
to about skinny girls.

Fat girls can talk about
skinny girls all day long.

"Fucking skinny bitch,

fucking skinny-ass,
anorexic, bulimic,

fucking regurgitating
bitch,

fucking Cheerio-belt
wearing bitch.

Salad-eating
motherfucker...

Hope she chokes
on a crouton."

But skinny girls can't
talk about fat girls.

Just... just mean.

"Look at these
big bitches.

Do they
freebase gravy?

Food is not your friend.
It's not your friend."

For instance...

Short guys can talk about
tall guys all day long.

Short guys can say whatever
they want to about tall guys.

"You tall bastard,

you tall motherfucker,

I hope your head hits
an air-conditioning vent.

I hope Bin Laden
flies a plane

into your lips."

But tall guys can't talk
about short guys.

That's just mean.

"Look at these
midget motherfuckers.

Fee-fi-fo-fum."

Like, poor people can talk
about rich people all day long.

Poor people can say whatever
they want to about rich people.

"You fucking
rich bastard,

I hope your yacht hits an
iceberg in the summer.

Fucking...
you fu...

I hope your Picasso
falls off the wall

and kills your mother.

You fucking
rich bastard!"

But rich people can't talk
about poor people.

That's just mean.

"Look at these
broke bastards.

Perhaps we should raise
the prices

so we don't have to see
these people again.

Is that a Hyundai?

With cloth interior...
ooh."

Yes, man.

That's right.
You gotta watch what you say.

Even some black people have
to watch what they say.

Even some black people
gotta watch what they say.

What's my man on "Grey's Anatomy"?
Got fired.

Yeah,
got fired for calling somebody a faggot.

Yeah, we live
in a crazy time.

You gotta watch
what you say, baby.

Between the internet and all these shows,
you say the wrong thing,

your career is over.
But here's the crazy thing, man.

It's not about the words
sometimes, man.

It ain't about the words.
All bad words ain't bad.

Sometimes it's about
the context

in which
the word is said.

It's not always
the word.

It's the context in
which the word is said.

So if you say some... you know,
depending on what you talking about.

If you say something like,
"You're the finest bitch I've ever seen,"

that's a compliment.

It ain't the word.

It's the context in which
the word is being said.

So my man
on "Grey's Anatomy"...

it ain't that he called
somebody a faggot.

It's like,
how did he say "faggot"?

How did he say it?
Did he come in early one day and go,

"Morning, faggot"?

'Cause if he did that,
he should be fired.

But how did he
say it?

Was he having a fight
with this person?

Was he having an argument
with this person?

Did they have a relationship of some sort?
How did he say it?

And here's the other thing too...
if they was having a fight,

I just think,

personally,
if you're having a fight with somebody,

you should be able to say
whatever you think

is gonna hurt
this person the most.

What, I gotta be
politically correct

and mad
at the same time?

Like, if I'm driving

and somebody
crashes into me,

and they got
one leg,

I'ma talk
about the leg.

"Hey, you one-legged
bastard,

no wonder
you can't brake.

I hope you got some
two-legged insurance."

But how did he say
"faggot"?

And here's the real question
nobody wants to ask:

What if the person

that he called
a faggot

was acting
like a faggot?

And I'm not trying to
disrespect any gay people.

I have gay friends.
I know I have gay fans.

I know some of y'all are here tonight.
I just want to say,

"Thanks for the money."

I'm all
for gay rights.

I hope you get the right
to get married

and buy cereal.

And whatever you're being denied,
I hope you get it.

'Cause I think gay fans are
some of the best fans to have.

'Cause they can buy tickets
faster than anybody.

You know why? 'Cause they don't
have any fucking kids, that's why.

That's right.
You never see no gay homeless people.

There's no gay
homeless people

and there's no Asian
homeless people.

That's just
the homeless rules.

The homeless discriminate.
Yes, they do.

You think they would
be more understanding.

But where was I?

What if the person
that he called a faggot

was acting
like a faggot?

'Cause you don't have
to be gay

to act
like a faggot.

You don't even have to be a
man to act like a faggot.

Anybody can act
like a faggot.

Let me give you
an example.

I love Gwen Stefani.

I think No Doubt

is one of the best
groups in the world.

I keep a No Doubt CD
in my car.

And I sing that shit to the end.
I'm like...

♪ Don't speak ♪

♪ I know just
what you're saying ♪

♪ Oh, please stop
explaining. ♪

I won't even get out of my car
till the shit's over. I'm like...

♪ You know
you're good ♪

♪ You know you're
real good ♪

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Don't, don't. ♪

I fucking love me some
Gwen Stefani, right?

Now, if I'm driving my car
and I'm at the light

and you're in the car
behind me

and the light's red
and I'm just sitting there

blasting some Gwen Stefani
and I'm just like...

♪ Ain't no
hollaback girl ♪

♪ Ain't no hollaback
girl ♪

♪ Ain't no
hollaback. ♪

And you in the car behind me
and the light's red... Cool.

But then the light
turn green.

And I don't see it
'cause I'm in Gwen Stefani heaven.

And I'm just
going...

♪ Ain't no
hollaback girl ♪

♪ Ain't no hollaback
girl ♪

♪ Ain't no
hollaback. ♪

Now the light starts
fucking blinking.

It's getting ready
to turn red again.

And I still
don't see it.

And I'm in my car
going...

♪ This shit
is bananas ♪

♪ B, na-nana-nanas ♪

♪ This shit
is bananas ♪

♪ B, na-nana-nanas. ♪

Now if you in the car
behind me,

and that light's getting
ready to turn red,

and I'm going...

♪ This shit
is bananas ♪

♪ B, na-nana-nanas... ♪

If you in that car behind me,
you have the right to go,

"Hey, faggot,
the light's about to change!"

Shit, even Elton John
would call me a faggot...

at that moment.

It's not the word, it's the context
in which the word is being said.

That's what's going on.
It ain't the word, it's the context.

Now... speaking of words, now they're
trying to get rid of the word "nigga."

Trying to get rid
of my beloved "nigga."

Shit, last year the NAACP
had a... had a funeral

for the word "nigga."

Well, tonight is Easter.

Shit.

That's right.
Whenever the word "nigga" is spoken,

it is always followed
by the same question.

Can white people say "nigga"?

And the correct answer is
"not really".

You have to check
with your Nigga Consulate.

Talk to your
Nigga Representative,

and they will tell you the Nigga Rules
where you are at that particular time.

That's right, man,
'cause we live in a crazy time

where Dr. King and Mr. Mandela's
dreams are coming true,

and black people, and white people,
and Asians, and Indians,

and everybody's
hanging out together,

to have interracial posses.
It's unbelievable what's going on, man.

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable.
It's unbelievable.

All my black friends
have a bunch of white friends,

and all my white friends
have one black friend.

Yeah, man.

But if you have
an interracial posse,

if you are in an interracial posse,
you have to figure out,

you know, what are the rules
of the interracial posse?

What are the Dr. Dre rules
of your crew?

That's right, 'cause, you know... What are
the Dr. Dre rules? What are the rules...

when a Dr. Dre song comes on
the radio or plays at a club?

What is the procedure
that goes into effect?

'Cause sometimes
I'm with my white friends,

and a Dr. Dre song
will come on.

And there's a lot
of "niggas" in a Dr. Dre song.

And they wanna enjoy it,
but they can't really enjoy it around me.

So they start taking out the "niggas,"
or mumbling the "niggas,"

and it's just
a sad sight to see.

It's just sad to see
some white person

trying to do
a nigga-less rendition

of a Dr. Dre song.
It's just fucking depressing.

And they trying to rap along
without saying "nigga."

They're like,
♪ Creepin' down the back street on Deez ♪

♪ I gots my Glock cocked ♪

♪ 'Cause...
♪ I don't know what the fuck to say.

♪ T-t-t-tat like that
and I never hesitate to put... ♪

But I know
when I'm not there,

shit, they lean in
to that shit.

He's not here.
Turn it up!

They're like,
♪ Down a back street on deez ♪

♪ I gots my glock cocked
'cause nigger! ♪

♪ T-t-t-tat like that ♪

♪ And I never hesitate
to put a... ♪

Nigger...

on his back!

And kill him.
I hate niggers.

Say, "Hey, man,
that's not even in the song."

I got a little carried away.
Sorry about that.

They should put it in.
They really should.

Don't worry, white people.
Get your Dre on.

Get your Dre on, get your Jay on,
get your Kanye on.

It's a'ight, it's all good,
it's okay.

It's gotta be in the song though.
it's gotta be in the song.

It's got to be in the song.

So the question
remains the same.

Can white people say "nigga"?

And the answer's the same,
"not really."

Although,
there's some exceptions.

Like, "Fuck me harder, nigger."

A lot of white women trying not to laugh
in front of their husbands right now.

"Honey, I was in college.

I had to see
what it was about.

He made me say it."

But the question
remains the same.

Can white people say "nigga"?

And the answer's the same,
"not really."

But wait a minute,

there's one exception.

There's one exception.

There's one instance

where white people
can say "nigga."

And I'ma
let it out tonight.

I'ma let it out, here,
in Johannesburg.

The one time that white people
can say nigger...

The white people are like,
"This is what I paid for.

"It's a fucking
great night now."

The one time white people
can say nigger...

Here it goes,
listen closely,

'cause I may never
say this shit again.

The one time
white people can say nigger.

Okay.

If it's Christmas Eve,

and it's between 4:30
and 4:49 in the morning,

if you white, and you
on your way to Toys "R" Us

to get your kid
the last Transformer doll,

and right before you walk
into Toys "R" Us,

some black person
runs up beside you,

smacks you in the head with a brick,
knocks you to the ground,

stomps you in the face...
"Take that you cracker-ass motherfucker!

Take that you cracker-ass
motherfucker!

Motherfucker!
Motherfuck... Take that!"

Riverdances on your head.
"Take that you cracker-ass motherfucker.

Cracker-ass motherfucker.
Cracker-ass motherfucker.

Take that you cracker-ass
motherfucker."

Takes your money,
pisses on you...

and runs away.

If you white,
at that moment you can say,

"Somebody stop that nigger!"

Matter of fact,
if you white and that happens to you,

you can say nigger
for a whole month.

But you gotta walk around with
the police report in your pocket.

In case any black people
catch you saying "nigger,"

the police report will act
as your freedom papers.

Hey, I heard you saying nigger.
Let me see your fucking papers.

Give me the papers.
Show me the papers!

"Christmas Eve...

4:48.

You just made it, motherfucker.

Pissed on you?

I hope they catch that nigger."

Oh, man.

Having a good time up here, man.

Good time up here.

Apollo.

Apollo!

Up here working.
Up here working.

I'm up here trying
to do my thing.

This ain't really work though.
This is not really work.

This is my career.

It's not really a job.
This is my career.

You know, some people have jobs,
some people have careers.

Some of y'all in the audience...
some of y'all got jobs,

some of you have careers.

Now, the people in the audience
with careers

need to learn
to shut the fuck up...

when you around
people with jobs.

'Cause they don't want to hear
your career bullshit.

Keep that shit
to yourself.

Okay?

Don't let your happiness
make somebody sad.

'Cause that's what it does.

Nah, nah, man. But I used to work.
I used to have a job.

I used to work at a Red Lobster.
I used to work at Red Lobster.

And on Queens Boulevard,
there's a... I was a...

Oh, I served you?
Good, good.

Uh, no, no.
I was a dishwasher.

Used to scrape shrimp in the garbage cans
and then load up the dishwasher, man.

And that was my real job.
I never got a raise,

I never got a promotion.
They kept me in the back.

They kept me back there
'cause I had really fucked up teeth,

and they didn't want people to think
that shrimp fucked up your teeth.

And that's what they do
at restaurants.

They put the ugliest people
in the back.

So if you don't like
the people in the front,

you don't want to see
the people in the back.

And that was my real job.

I wasn't working my way
through school.

I wasn't working my way
in telling jokes.

That was my life.
1989, I was scraping shrimp.

Okay, and people go, "Chris,
how'd you end up like that?"

"How the fuck
did that happen to you?"

Minimum-wage job? I'll tell you
exactly how that happened to me.

I dropped out of school

in the 10th grade.

Dropped out
in the 10th grade,

which is the dumbest thing
you could ever fucking do.

You know why?
'Cause when you drop out in the 10th grade,

you really might as well have
dropped out in the second grade.

Why? 'Cause you qualified
for the exact same jobs.

Matter of fact, the person that
dropped out in the second grade

is more qualified, 'cause they have
eight years of work experience.

Yeah, man.
I used to scrape those fucking shrimp, man.

It used to kill me,
But I'll tell you this right now,

now I have a career.
I have been blessed with a career.

So if you got a career,
thank God.

If you got a job,
I hope you get a career one day.

That's right,
'cause when you got a career,

there ain't enough
time in the day.

There ain't enough time.

When you got a career,
you look at your watch,

time just flies.
Like, "Goddamn, whoa.

"It's 5:35.

"Damn, I gotta come in early
tomorrow and work on my project."

'Cause there ain't enough time
when you got a career.

When you got a job,

there's too much time.

That's right, you look at your watch like,
"Ah shit, 9:08."

You don't even trust the time
when you got a job too.

You're like, "What time you got?
What time you got?

"What time you got?
What time you got? What time you got?

"9:15?" Whoever got the latest
time is the right time.

He got the right time.
He got the right time.

You ever play the time game
with yourself at work?

You ever play the time game

where you go,
"I'm not gonna look at my watch

"for two hours.

"That's right,
I'm gonna sit here and scrape these shrimp."

Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape,
scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape.

Okay, an hour's passed.

Maybe I should look.

It'll feel good.

No, fuck that.
I'ma wait a whole nother hour.

Scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape,
scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape, scrape.

All right, two hours passed.

Time to look and feel good
about myself.

And you look...

Fuck!
15 minutes.

You ever been so miserable
at work

that you spend extra time
just sitting on the toilet?

You don't even have your pants down.
You're just like...

"I hate this fucking job.

"I hate it!"

People around you
taking smelly shits.

It don't even phase you.
You're like, "I don't give a fuck.

"You keep shitting,
'cause I ain't quitting."

You know how you can tell
you got a real bad job?

When they give you
that half-hour lunch break.

Whoo, there is nothing worse than a
half-hour lunch break to a grown person.

Why don't you just
get a little spoon

and give me some applesauce
while you're at it.

What the fuck?
A half-hour lunch break.

By the time
you put on your jacket,

walk around the corner,
go to the sandwich spot,

order a sandwich,
wait for them to make it,

then get in another line
to pay for it,

28 minutes have passed.

Now you're rushing back to work.
You're eating your sandwich,

you're spilling beer
down your shirt.

And when you get in,
your boss got the nerve to go,

"Hey, man,
you're eight minutes late."

Fuck you!

Do you realize even criminals
in jail get an hour lunch break?

Like, can I at least
eat like a murderer?

I bet if I shot your ass
I could finish this sandwich.

But you gotta work.

Gotta work.
We all gotta work.

We all gotta work.
Why?

We spend money on things
we used to get for free.

Like, water.

That's right, you can still get free water,
but nobody does it.

That's right,
we spend money on water.

Buying bottled fucking water.

Do you know how many people on Earth
right now are dying of thirst?

How many people walk
10 and 20 miles

to get some fresh water?

And we so fucking spoiled,

we buy bottled water.

You know what it means
if you buy bottled water?

It means you only use
tap water on your ass.

And you wonder why people
want to blow us the fuck up.

We got ass water,
that's why.

They're dying of thirst and we're like,
"I gotta wash my ass.

"I gotta wash it."

Fuck, man.
You know why they call it tap water?

'Cause you just tap it
on your nuts, that's why.

Bottled water, man.

You know the craziest thing
we spend money on?

The craziest thing?
And we've all done it.

You done it, I've done it,
we all done it.

The craziest thing
we spend money on?

Ringtones.

The phone used to ring
for free.

But "bring bring"
just wasn't good enough for some of y'all.

I need a ring that expresses
who I am.

I need to hear "SexyBack"
when my phone rings.

And now they got us.
Now they got us.

We're gonna have ringtones
for the rest of our lives.

People go, "No we're not."
Oh, yes we are.

'Cause I'll tell you
exactly what's gonna happen

in this crazy, George Bush,
deregulated world we live in.

Here's what's gonna happen.

The phone company is going
to buy the ringtone company.

And then they're gonna start
selling us phones

that don't fucking ring.

They gonna make you
buy a ringtone,

or else you're gonna have to
guess when your phone is ringing.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? I pick it up every
four minutes, just in case.

Hello? Hello?

Damn, I need to buy
"SexyBack."

But you gotta get
your money right.

You got to get
your money right.

Men, you must get
your money right.

Men, you hear me?

You have to get
your money right.

It's important for men
to get their money right.

Women, it's important for you
to get your money right,

but it's not as important
for you as it is for us.

Why, women?

'Cause no one will ever not fuck you
'cause you're broke.

Your pussy will never be turned
down for financial reasons.

It ain't gonna happen.

That's right,
pussy's like Visa.

Accepted everywhere.

That's right,
next time you don't got no cash, go,

"Do you take pussy?"

Of course we take pussy.

Who doesn't take pussy?

How much pussy you got?

Brother, but I love being a man,
but I just wish I had a pussy.

I really do.
I wish I had a pussy

just for negotiation
purposes.

Just so when I'm negotiating a deal I
could put that motherfucker on the table.

Like, okay.
What about now?

It's a deal.

Yeah, man.
It's hard being a man today.

Hard being a man today.

Why's it so hard
to be a man?

'Cause nobody cares about men.
Nobody gives a fuck about men.

If you see a homeless man
on the street with a dog,

you feel sorry
for the dog.

Say, "We got to get
that dog some food."

What about the man?
"Oh, fuck him."

Every night on TV I see there's
a new missing woman.

We gotta find Carol.

Where's Carol?
We must find Carol.

Carol didn't come home
last night.

Where the fuck is Carol?

I've never seen one of these
things for a missing man yet.

It's like, "Bob didn't
come home last night."

Good.

I hope he never comes home.

Probably out fucking Carol
somewhere.

That's right.
Hard being a man today.

Why is it so hard
being a man?

'Cause you got to deal
with today's woman.

Got to deal with today's woman, and today's
woman is a hard one to deal with, boy.

What's the show
all the women watch today?

"Desperate Housewives."

A bunch of women,
living in nice houses,

some of 'em
don't even work,

they all cheat
on their husbands.

They need to change the name of that
show from "Desperate Housewives"

to "Ungrateful Bitches."

Every week they fuck
the pool boy,

or the gardener,
and he can fuck real good too.

You know why? 'Cause he don't
have a full-time job, that's why.

Shit, I could fuck that good too if I had
an extra eight hours to work on my stroke.

You know what?
I'm not even that good in bed.

I don't give a fuck.
My bills are paid.

You better let this security
make your titties tingle.

Shit.

I have never knocked out
the pussy in my life.

I've never knocked out
the pussy in my life.

I've won by decision.

That's right, two out of every
five times I fuck you it's good.

Two out of five.
Them other three are horrible.

But just when you ready
to pack your shit,

I give you a good one.

"Where'd that come from?"
Viagra.

That's right.
Now, what do women want?

What the fuck
do women want?

Everything.

All around the world,
it's the same answer;

everything, everything,
everything.

That's right, man. Only women can get
away with that answer; everything.

Nobody else is allowed
to say everything.

When a man wants something
he goes, "Damn, I want that.

"I want it bad.

"I gotta figure out
what I got to do

"to get that."

When a woman wants something,
she goes, "Damn I want that.

"I want it bad.

"I gotta figure out who I
can get to get me that."

Big differences, man.
Women want a lot, man.

Women want you to get
on one knee

and go, "I love you more than
anything else in the world.

"I think you're the most beautiful,
intelligent creature on Earth,

"and I wanna spend
the rest of my life with you."

But we ain't saying that.

We're not saying that
unless we really fucked up bad.

We gonna keep that one
in our back pocket.

Not gonna just break it out
on a Tuesday.

Ladies, if you ever hear a man talking that
shit, he might have fucked your sister.

Okay?

Ladies, you know what the most
romantic words a man can say to you?

The most romantic words
a man will ever say to you

are these words;

"I ain't going nowhere."

It don't get
no more romantic than,

"I ain't going nowhere."

You know why?
'Cause when a man says,

"I ain't going nowhere,"

what he's trying
to tell you is

I've actually thought
about going somewhere.

I talked to a lawyer,
I looked at a place,

and I realized I'm gonna go through
the same shit with the next girl,

so why not just stay here
and be miserable with you.

"I ain't going nowhere."

You in there.

So much difference
between men and women, man.

One of the biggest differences
between men and women;

men are actually happy when women
go out with their girlfriends

and have a good time.

When you go out with your
girlfriends and have a good time,

we're fucking happy for you.

You come home, you go, "Me and my girlfriends
are gonna go see 'Sex and the City.'"

We're like, "Great!

"Now I don't have to take you
to see that shit."

"Why don't you go see
'Mamma Mia' while you're at it?"

And you go and see it,
you come back like,

"Oh, 'Sex and the City'
was so good.

"You should have saw the wedding.
Carrie got married to Big.

"I couldn't believe it!"

And we're fucking
happy for you.

We're happy for you.

But it don't work
the other way around.

Women never want us
to have a good time.

Ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever, ever.

Fellas, if your woman
come home from work,

and you got a smile
on your face

that she didn't put there,
she gets suspicious.

The fuck you smiling about?

I ain't fuck you in three weeks.
What the fuck you smiling about?

That's right.

That's right, fellas,
when you go out with your boys,

and your woman says,
"How was it?"

just go, "It was a'ight."

'Cause if you go
beyond a'ight,

you gonna be in a fight.

You can't be like, "Oh,
baby, it was unbelievable.

"I had the best time
of my life.

"A-Rod hit a home run
in the bottom of the ninth.

"I couldn't believe it!"

Watch what happens
the next day.

You waiting for your food,

no fucking food.

Like, "Hey, baby,
what's up with the food?"

"Why don't you tell
A-Rod to cook you some?"

"Your fucking boyfriend, A-Rod."

Yeah, man,
women want it all.

So many fucking differences.

Lot of dates tonight.
Lot of dates.

Lot of men took women out tonight
they haven't even fucked yet.

"See, I'm gonna take her
to see Chris Rock.

"I'm gonna close this deal
with some Chris Rock tickets."

Yeah!

Yeah, 10% of that pussy is mine.

Save me a lick,
or something, okay?

Every man in here that's with
a woman he hasn't fucked yet,

is all thinking
the same thing;

When do I whip it out?

Do I just shove her hand down there
when we start kissing goodnight,

and watch her move it like she
got cerebral palsy or some shit?

Do I put it
on a tray like an appetizer?

Sprinkle some parsley
around it?

Bon appétit.

How should the lighting be?
Should I put some Vaseline, or some...

some lotion on it?

Can't just whip out
an ashy dick, right?

And then, once you whip it out,
there's always a chance that the woman goes,

"Could you put that back?

"Could you put that..."
Ah, shit!

You know how hard it is
to get a dick back in the pants?

A fucking black dick?
Goddamn!

The fuck?

Your dick is out there
on a false alarm.

Then your dick looks up at you like,
"What the fuck was you thinking?

"Got me out here
for this bullshit."

That never happens to women.

Women never whip out a titty and hear "Hey,
put that titty back."

"If I'd known you was
whipping out titties,

"I wouldn't have even
come upstairs.

"Put the titty back.

"Are we gonna watch
this movie or what?"

And you know what the other fucked up
thing is? Guys, once we whip it out,

we never know
what we got.

We never know if it's big or not
because women lie to us about our dicks

so much we don't know
what the fuck we got.

'Cause when a woman's in love,
your dick is huge!

And the more they hate you,
the smaller your fucking dick gets.

So you don't know
what the fuck you got.

You all disillusioned.

Your shit is big and small,
you don't know what the fuck you got.

You're walking around with the big
dick walk with a little dick and shit.

Walking like this,

when you should be
walking like this.

We don't know what the fuck we got.
I don't know what I got.

I mean, I'm lucky I'm skinny
so I got a little backdrop...

and everything looks bigger
against a little backdrop.

Like, if you wide, it look like
your dick's at sea and shit.

I don't know
what the fuck I got.

But, fellas, you know how you can tell
if a woman think you got a big dick?

You know how you can tell if a
woman think you got a big dick?

After you whip it out,
she just starts looking at it.

And then she says,
under her breath,

"Hello."

That's the universal
big dick greeting.

Like, "Hey, hey!
Welcome to Pussonia.

"We got a lot of work for you."

Men and women,
so many fucking...

differences between
men and women, man.

So many fucking differences.

The biggest difference
between men and women,

one of the biggest
differences, man,

the biggest difference
between men and woman...

men cannot
go backwards sexually,

women cannot go
backwards in lifestyle.

Can't fucking do it.

Women cannot go backwards in lifestyle.
They can't do it.

That's right.
They can't do it.

I don't... the best woman
can't fucking do it.

Can't fucking do it.

Can't do it.
Can't do it.

Can't do it. Fellas,
you ever been going through some hard times

with your woman,
you lose your job or something?

And your woman tries to console you,
says, "Hey, baby, don't worry.

"We gonna get
through this.

"We gonna get through this.
I know we got some bills,

"but if we gotta get rid of some of this
shit, we will get rid of some of this shit."

She's talking about you.

Can't do it!

Fellas, if you lose your job,

you gonna lose
your woman.

That's right, she may not
leave the day you lose it,

but the countdown
has begun.

Women can't do it.
Ladies...

remember the first time you ever
dated a guy with his own car?

Remember that shit?

You was leaving the club,

your girlfriends got on the bus,
you're like, "Bye, bitches.

"I'll see y'all later.

"I'm getting in
this warm ass car."

And from that moment on, you were like,
"Hey, you better have a car.

"You ain't getting this pussy
without a fucking car.

"I am not getting on the fucking
bus in February. Fuck that shit."

And that's how the fuck you roll
for the rest of your life.

Ladies, remember the first time
you ever dated a guy

with his own apartment?

Remember that?
You got in there, you were comfortable.

You were like,
"I could really enjoy getting fucked in here.

"I could scream, and holler,

"and break shit.

"Yell instructions.

"I will never fuck in nobody's
mama's house again."

And you never did.
You never fucking did.

Ladies, remember the first time you
ever had a man take you on vacation?

Say, "Whoo!
This is great."

And from that moment on, every man
you dated had to take you somewhere.

You let him know as soon as you met him.
Like, "Hey...

"this is passport pussy."

If you think you could handle
this pussy in one time zone,

you are out of
your fucking mind.

And women love to tell you
how much better

the pussy gonna get
when you get to the destination.

"Oh, you ain't got nothing yet.
Wait till we get to Jamaica."

You get to Jamaica, it's the same
pussy you had in Johannesburg...

in London... in Brooklyn.

Only difference is now it's got
a little bit of sand in it.

And the crazy thing...
the crazy thing

women love to tell you...

women got their own money now.

Women have their own
fucking money now.

And women are like, "Hey."

Women are like, "Hey,
if you don't take me on a nice vacation,"

"I'ma find me a cute guy
and I'ma pay for shit."

But that only lasts
for like thirty days.

'Cause women don't like
paying for shit.

That's right, pussy costs money.

Dick is free.

Any money you spend on dick
is a bad investment.

'Cause when it comes
to women and money,

I'll tell you right now,

nothing dries up a pussy quicker

than a woman reaching
for her wallet.

There is something about a woman
reaching for her wallet

that just dries up the vagina.

It's almost like the wallet
is sending a signal

to the pussy that this man

is not worthy
of getting wet for.

And even later on,
when you go to the gynecologist,

he's like, "Oh my god,
you've been paying for shit.

"Another $500, you gonna be
in menopause."

Women cannot go backwards
in lifestyle.

Men cannot
go backwards sexually.

Can't do it.

Once we get the sex we like...

that's how the fuck we roll.

We get stubborn in our old age.

Like, I like my coffee
like this,

I like my steak like this,

and I like to fuck like this.

'Cause if you ain't fucking like I'm fucking,
then get the fuck out!

Ladies, ladies,
don't get mad at us.

Don't get mad at us.

Get made at our ex-girlfriend.

She's the one that spoiled
it for everybody.

The ex-girlfriend
that did everything.

She fucked it up
for everybody.

Call up one day, be like,
"What? You did what?

"You licked his ass?

"Now he want everybody
to lick his ass!

"Thanks a lot, bitch!"

That's right, ladies.

Yo man is nastier than
you ever imagined.

Yo man has been watching porno
since he was 12 years old.

He has pornographic images
in his head,

and he wants to relive some of
this shit before he drops dead.

That's right, ladies.
Get up on it, get up on it!

Listen to what the fuck
I'm about to say, okay?

Just because he came
don't mean you made him cum.

Did you hear what the fuck
I just said?

Just because he came
does not mean you made him cum.

Every man in this room
got two levels of cum.

Every man in here
got two levels of cum,

and level one comes out easy.

It comes out like ketchup.

Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip...

Just say "cum"
and it comes out.

Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.

But level two?

If we got a woman doing the
precise nasty shit we like,

wearing the nasty shit
we want her to wear,

saying the nasty shit
we want her to say?

It will shoot out
like a civil rights hose.

Free at last! Free at last!

It'll take a fucking eye out.

That's right. That's right,
ladies, that's right.

That's why you gotta be very careful
about what you introduce in bed.

Ain't no such thing as
"one time" when it comes to sex.

'Cause if we like it,
it's on the menu.

That's right.
You got to be very careful.

You can't be like, "Ooh,
I'ma wear high heels tomorrow."

No, you gonna wear
high heels every day.

If I ever see the bottom of your feet again,
this relationship is over.

Like, "Ooh, I'ma do
a girl for your birthday."

No, you gon' do a girl
every day!

You better get some
bunk beds in this motherfucker.

Shit, man I remember
the first time

I ever had a girl suck the cum
out of my dick and swallow.

Oh!

That felt so good,
I could read Arabic.

I was breaking down
the DaVinci code.

And writing it,
I said "Spitters are quitters."

Spitters are quitters!

There are a lot of women
in here grossed out right now.

"Eww, cum in the mouth,
that's fucking disgusting!

"Fucking cum in the mouth.
You always want to cum in my fucking mouth!

"Get the fuck out of here.
You better call that ass-licking girl.

"You are not cumming
in my mouth, fuck that!"

Yeah, half the women in here
are grossed out,

and the other half
are in loving relationships.

Hey, I'm outta here.
Y'all take care!

Thank you!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Chris fucking rocks.

It was brilliant.

Chris rocks.

Excellent, excellent.

The best show
I've ever seen.

Fabulous.

It was great.

He came from the United States.
He came to the U.K.

He's the top dog.
He is the man. He is the man.

He's the man.

Woman:
I wanna marry you, Rock!

Will you marry me?

He did excellent.

He was great.
We had a great time.

Amazing, bro.
Amazing.

Do it again.
Come back again.

Both:
Awesome, awesome.

Fantastic.

Best show I ever heard.

Very good.
Very, very, very good.

Not on antidepressants
anymore...

once I start
listening to them.

That was wicked, man.

I haven't laughed nonstop
like that in ages. Wicked.

That was awesome.

Chris, you rock!

We love you!

Chris Rock, man,
you rocked.

Brilliant.

Chris Rock is amazing!

It was wicked, man.
It was wicked.

Really funny,
really funny.

Awesome.

Fabulous, fantastic.

Fantástico.

Great, hilarious.

Awesome, awesome.

My cheeks are sore.

Brilliant, brilliant,
brilliant, brilliant.

It was brilliant.
Fantastic.

It was sick.
It was crazy. Awesome.

It was excellent.
Fantastic.

Great, great.
It was great.

It was brilliant.
Very, very good.

Fantastic, awesome.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.
We love you, Chris Rock.

You rock! You rock!

It was absolutely fantastic.

Chris Rock's a beast, man!

He is wicked.

He's amazing!
He's wicked.

Pretty sweet.

It was fantastic.

Yeah. Lived up to
his reputation.

He was great.

He was so funny.
Brilliant.

Come back again, Chris.

Chris Rock rocks!

He's the best.

We are all in
happy relationships!