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# This is a story of watching a man dying
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# The subject's unpopular but I don't feel like lying
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- # No, no
- When I think of it now,
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# I acted like a sinner
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# I just washed my hands and I went for my dinner... #
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'We're talking today about new beginnings.
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'Moments in your life where you feel like it's time for a change.
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'So, er, I'm on with a caller. Hi. What was your second chapter?'
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'So I used to work in the City...'
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- You're going to have to let her go.
- But there's nothing wrong with her.
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All you've got to do is replace the windscreen, she's good as new.
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Mate, this car's deader than disco.
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I can't in any good conscience let you drive her out of here.
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I get it. You found Jamiroquai in the tape deck?
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Look, I can explain. I was feeling nostalgic!
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It's not Jamiroquai. Problem is, you'd be safer driving a shark tank.
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Your gear box is shot, your engine bearings are worn to shit
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and your steering column's rustier than an old anchor.
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It'd actually be more expensive to fix it than buy a new car.
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But I've had that car since uni!
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We've been through everything together.
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The break-ups and the hangovers and...
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I had my only threesome in that back seat.
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Yeah? What was it, girl-girl-boy or...boy-boy-girl?
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A threesome's a threesome! Point is, I'm not going to abandon her.
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Look, how old are you, mate? What, 40, 41?
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- I'm 32.
- Really?
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Look, don't you think you should start driving something
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a little bit more...mature?
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Face it, pal, you're not at uni any more.
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..two...three...
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- Roly?
- It's not my OCD.
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- What?
- Nothing. Um, is mum here?
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Not yet. Do you have a minute for a chat in the living room?
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While I have a pulse, every room's a living room.
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Hey, Roly.
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Oh, is this about me reorganising the shoe rack?
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I'm sorry I put yours on the bottom, Veronica.
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It's just, heels look better on floor level.
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No, it's fine.
41
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And thank you for colour coordinating everything,
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it looks much...neater.
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Veronica and I just want you to know we're so proud
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of how you've handled this last year.
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There's been a lot of change.
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I know I'm a big part of that.
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And sorry I added those series links without your permission.
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You've dealt with it all so admirably and shown real maturity.
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I can't believe you're turning 14 in two weeks!
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You're becoming a man in front of our eyes.
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It's like you could cope with anything.
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Look, Roly, the thing is, um...
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- Veronica and I are...
- DOORBELL RINGS
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Oh! That'll be mum. Er, TBC guys.
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KNOCK ON DOOR
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They made me kill my car.
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I feel like Lassie's just been shot.
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- Can I come in?
- I don't hear from you for months
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and now you want to come in?
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Can't we just go back to the way things were before the...
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- K-I-S-S?
- It happened, Andy.
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G-R-O-W U-P.
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- Grow up!
- You should have said there was a space in it.
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This was a mistake, I'm sorry, I'll go.
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Ryan and I broke up.
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Do you want me to have a word with him?
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I mean, I can tell him it was all my fault.
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No, I...I broke it off.
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He'll make an amazing husband to somebody.
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I'm just... I'm not ready.
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- You having a spring clean?
- Yeah, er...
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- I'm moving.
- I heard that the rent round here is crazy town.
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- To America.
- Well, you can start with South Croydon.
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It'd make the commute easier.
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Actually, I-I saw a listing for a publishing house in New York.
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Editor's assistant.
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Shit pay, but, um, it's always been my dream to work in publishing.
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I didn't know you liked books.
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I'm an English teacher.
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So, when are you leaving?
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Tonight.
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You know you-you inspired me to make this change, Andy.
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You live on the edge of disaster and I could do with a bit of that.
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Spent my life trying to be a grown-up and...
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it's time to be selfish for a change.
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- Yeah. Doesn't this seem a bit rash, though?
- You tell me, Andy.
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Is there any reason I should give it a second thought?
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I leave for Heathrow at five.
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# I could never be your woman... #
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'And that was a classic track from White Town.
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'We're still talking about taking a plunge and changing your life.'
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Hi, caller, what's your name?
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Hi, it's, um...Zach.
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Hi, Zach, what can we do for you?
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Well...
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I never thought it would happen to me
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and then one day I found myself falling madly into
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a massive case of...
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the bed bugs.
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All of a sudden, I find out that the bed bugs are planning
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on moving to America and I'm not sure I want to get rid of them.
102
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No, you always want to get rid of bed bugs.
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Bed bugs are bad.
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Hello?
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Holy shit!
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Great space and wonderful views.
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George, what's going on?
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The bedroom has terrific light.
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And we'll deal with the smell.
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Time's up, Andy.
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I'm evicting you and suing you for three grand in back rent.
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Oh, no, you're not, cos check this out.
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Boom!
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I've just won three and a half grand for coming third in a song contest.
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Ooh, it's a piece of paper with your name on it.
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What good's that to me? I'm done with the delay tactics, Andy.
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- Game over.
- Wait! What if I can get you the money by the end of the day?
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I'm leaving for Pilates at five, that gives you three hours.
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After that, I'm changing the locks.
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Don't worry about the carpets, we'll get them industrially cleaned.
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No more mystery stains.
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They're not mystery stains.
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- They're semen.
- Eurgh...
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What's that about?
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Oh, my landlord's kicking me out cos I haven't paid him his back rent.
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- You haven't got three grand?
- Fuck off.
127
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I'm still struggling to pay the 20 grand mortgage
128
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I took out for my coke habit.
129
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- Listen, Roly's in a bit of a mood.
- DOOR SLAMS
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Hey! Here's my sunshine!
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The pollen's making my sinusitis play up.
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Great. Well, I need you both at the flat for five on the dot.
133
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- Why me?
- I'm making dinner, remember. Don't be late.
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Bye, sweetheart.
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Did you know that Melodie's moving to America?
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Yes, the school had a big going-away party.
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Why do you care anyway? I thought you weren't speaking?
138
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I don't care. Whatever.
139
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I think Dad's going to marry Veronica.
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What's the point? I'm already letting her live with us.
141
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- Surely that's enough.
- That must suck for you.
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Anyway, why are we eating at five?
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Is your mum on one of her weird diets again?
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She's planning my surprise birthday party.
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She thinks she's being clever by doing it two weeks in advance,
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but really it's just like watching a dog try to solve a Rubik's cube.
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I mean, what's so fun about being in a room full of people
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trying to give me a coronary?
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I hope I die. That'll teach them.
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She's just trying to do something nice for you. Grow up.
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- You grow up!
- No, you grow up!
- No, you grow up!
- I will!
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By cashing this cheque.
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I've already lost the car today - I'm not going to lose the flat.
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- Welcome to Cash Pig.
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Our deals are a squeal.
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I would like to cash this cheque, s'il vous plait.
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Sorry. We are out of cash.
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Joking! That'd be like a whorehouse without any whores.
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Little man knows what I'm saying.
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- Just so you know - we take a 10% commission.
- 10%?!
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If you've got a problem with that, you can always go to your bank.
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I'm sure they can cash this in - oh! - two to three days.
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- 10% fine, that's fine.
- ID, please.
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OK, that's 3,150 paid by Songtest Inc to Andy King.
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Songtest?
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Can I see that cheque?
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No! Don't show him!
168
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That's not your money!
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Ha! He's joking! One minute, please.
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I can't believe you didn't tell me our song won!
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- It didn't win. It came third.
- That was a collaboration.
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We need to split it between Val, Gwen, Casper, Hugo, me...
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They'll get their split after I'm back on my feet.
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- Until then, nobody has to know.
- But I know!
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It's like the first time you find out how sausage is made.
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You can never forget.
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If I lose my flat, then I'm going to be sleeping on your mum's sofa,
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touching all your things when you're at school.
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Your towels, your toothbrush, your embosser...
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You wouldn't.
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- Wouldn't I?
- Uh-oh.
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This cheque is made out to "Andy King."
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The name on this ID is Andrew. I can't cash this.
184
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You're going to have to get them to write you another cheque.
185
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No, no, no. I need that cash today.
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Sorry. My manager won't let me.
187
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But I know a guy...
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Hi.
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Er, we're here for the "Exterminator."
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Hi, er, Mr...
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..The Exterminator.
192
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We would like the "Total Kill Package," please.
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How much?
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Er, th-three grand.
195
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And I can pay you just as soon as I cash this cheque.
196
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What the fuck are you doing?!
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Give me the slip!
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Sure. Sorry. Yes, yes, sir.
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You wearing a wire?
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HE SCOFFS
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No, no, no.
202
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No, I've seen Donny Brasco.
203
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Why's he so quiet?
204
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Because he is a dullard.
205
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- What's your name?
- It's, er...
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J-Joey.
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Er, Joey Falcone.
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Sounds like you've got a bit of an accent there.
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What's an American boy doing knocking about
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with a middle-aged English weirdo?
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I'm 32! And he's on an exchange programme.
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- The interest rate's 20%.
- 20%! That's highway robbery!
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The cheque cashiers only took 10!
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What a shit accent!
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Don't give up your day job, Dick Van Dyke.
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20% will be fine. Kids, eh?
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That's a nice painting. Your kids do it?
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No.
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My wife did.
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It's...It's nice.
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Don't lie. It's bloody horrible.
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- I only put it up cos she nagged me.
- She's got you well by the nuts.
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That's because she is unbelievable in bed,
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otherwise I'd have got rid of her a very long time ago.
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She got a face that could blast the paint off a barn door.
226
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'Ere - my wife is so ugly, she could make an onion cry.
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HE CACKLES
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Your wife's so ugly, she don't need no Halloween costume.
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LAUGHTER
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My wife is so ugly, our wedding video's in the horror section!
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Your-your wife's so ugly that the Elephant Man's like,
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"Eww - no thanks!"
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LAUGHTER DIES ABRUPTLY
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What did you say?
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- Elephant Man.
- HE SLAMS DRAWER
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Wait there.
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- Joey Falcone?!
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I was masking my identity, I panicked.
239
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You're one to talk, you insulted his wife!
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I thought we were bantering!
241
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Well, he's going to kill us now. He's definitely going to kill you.
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- Relax, I've got a plan.
- What is it?
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Run!
244
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Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford & Sons
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Faster!
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ANDY PANTS HEAVILY
247
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:11,800
Oh...
248
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,360
Oh!
249
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,840
Oh, great I lose my flat in an hour and a half.
250
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,640
How about one of those payday loans? They give those to anyone.
251
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,120
Not if you've got a worse credit rating than a Greek bank.
252
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,200
- Excuse me!
- Sorry, we don't have any change.
253
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,240
I don't want change. I want sleep.
254
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,920
- Now move along, we're full up here.
- Hang on.
255
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,320
- I'm not homeless.
- You sure? That jacket screams homeless.
256
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,880
It's vintage!
257
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,640
He's going for that, um, hobo chic look.
258
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:40,200
I sat outside a Greggs yesterday for eight hours.
259
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,760
Does that sound chic to you?
260
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:43,200
No.
261
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:47,240
My life is not some trendy fashion statement for you to appropriate.
262
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,840
Now, shove off before I get my mates involved.
263
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,560
Steve over there did three tours of Afghanistan.
264
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:54,520
He's a walking Jacob's Ladder.
265
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,400
Well, go on, then! I'm not going to roll out the red carpet for you.
266
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,680
Carpet.
267
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,960
- Carpet. Thank you! Thank you!
- SQUEAKING
268
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,320
Bonny?
269
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,320
- Bonny!
- Ugh. A rat.
270
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,760
- She wasn't a rat!
271
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,760
She was my friend!
272
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,360
Hey, guys!
273
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:17,960
He...killed...Bonny!
274
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,640
HORN HONKS
275
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,800
- You guys need a lift?
- Shit, yes!
276
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,600
What was that all about?
277
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,960
We was just being chased by a bunch of deranged tramps.
278
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,880
That's wild. So where to, lads?
279
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,960
Just down the road to Carpet Brothers?
280
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,360
- Thanks for this.
- No probs.
281
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,680
It's all about people helping people.
282
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:48,080
I'm Blake, this is Archie, Winston, Raymond and Carter.
283
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:49,920
Welcome to our humble tour van.
284
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,160
- Are you guys in a band?
- No, no.
285
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,360
We're a collective.
286
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:57,840
Bands come with all this baggage of hierarchy and commercial gain.
287
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,880
And we are just in it for the music.
288
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,440
That's why we only use equipment made pre-'79.
289
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,240
That's what I'm talking about! You know?
290
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,960
You can say what you like about technological advancement,
291
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,640
but for me, it really doesn't get any better than Phil Spector
292
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,200
- and his "Wall of Sound."
- Didn't Phil Spector kill someone?
293
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,360
Yeah, but I mean, come on, Be My Baby?
294
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,600
- So, er, you guys doing a lot of touring at the moment?
- Yeah.
295
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,080
- We've been on the road for a year.
- Live performance is a dying art.
296
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,000
And it's getting to meet old timers like you
297
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,720
that makes it all worthwhile, you know?
298
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:29,280
- What kind of music do you play?
- Just music-music, I guess.
299
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:32,000
We don't really go in for trends or genres.
300
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,080
Yeah, but, um, who are your influences?
301
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,240
Again, we don't believe in influences, really.
302
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,400
But, I mean, you look like
303
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,440
you've got some sort of folky vibe going on?
304
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:40,920
- You must listen to Jim Croce?
- Who?
305
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,480
Jim Croce - Operator, Time In A Bottle?
306
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,160
- Have you heard of James Taylor?
- James Taylor?
307
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,880
- Carole King? I mean, you're fucking with me? Tapestry?
- No...
308
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,880
- Johnny Cash?
- Yes, yeah. The guy from the Joaquin Phoenix movie.
309
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,160
I like that one Adele song - Make You Feel My Love?
310
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,640
- That's a Dylan cover!
- Why is all this so important to you?
311
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,000
Because music is an evolution.
312
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,560
How can you move forward if you don't know where you've been?
313
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:05,000
Forget it. I don't know why I'm getting worked up about it.
314
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,720
- It's not like you're signed or anything.
- Oh, no, we're signed.
315
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,920
To Sony. We're supporting Mumford & Sons on their reunion tour.
316
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,080
- Oh, hipsters.
- Did you just call us hipsters?
317
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,000
I think he might have said "tipsters."
318
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,240
"If you see something, say something," right, guys?
319
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,680
- We're not hipsters.
- Oh, yeah.
320
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,240
You just happen to all be dressed
321
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,360
like some sort of apocalyptic gypsy gang
322
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,440
with facial hair from the Crimean War.
323
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:27,080
It takes more than a ukulele and a tweed jacket
324
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,400
- to be in a band...
- Collective.
325
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,880
I hate everything you stand for,
326
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,600
from your roly cigarettes to your prescription-less glasses
327
00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,200
and your artisanal cheese-making and your male knitting.
328
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,960
You're living in some sort of weird fictional version of the past
329
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,080
that never existed.
330
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,000
But I've got news for you - you're not beautiful unique snowflakes.
331
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,360
You're nothing but a bunch of fucking posers!
332
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,360
You couldn't keep your stupid mouth shut for five minutes, could you?!
333
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,400
- They were pricks!
- Those pricks were trying to help!
334
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,280
HORN HONKS
335
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,440
ANDY PANTS
336
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,240
I let you down, I let myself down,
337
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,720
but most importantly, I let Carpet Brothers down.
338
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,440
I let the carpets down.
339
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,040
Since you fired me, I've really been able to work on myself.
340
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,320
He's friendlier, more patient, giving.
341
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,200
He's even promised to get me a microscope for my birthday.
342
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,440
Andy, I don't know how to tell you this.
343
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:18,520
Of course you can have your job back.
344
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,160
It's not been the same without you.
345
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,760
I don't want my job back.
346
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,320
I just need to borrow three grand off you.
347
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,400
Look, I can pay you back in a couple of days,
348
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,400
as soon as I get this cheque cashed.
349
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:30,840
Please. For my embosser.
350
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,120
OK, I'll lend you the money.
351
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,800
If you can sell them a carpet.
352
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:40,920
Hi there. Can I help you?
353
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,720
Er, yeah, we're looking for some carpeting for his new bedroom.
354
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,560
- But we're on a budget.
- Well, we have the best prices in town.
355
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:51,920
Really? This app says Magic Carpet, which is just 0.28 miles away,
356
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,200
has a 20% sale on all its stock.
357
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:59,200
Well, who cares about discounts? It's all about quality and selection.
358
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,080
Carpet Brothers' carpets are made from the finest materials,
359
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,680
sourced from all over the world, but exclusively manufactured in the UK.
360
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:07,400
- Who are you?
- I'm his manager.
361
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,720
Aren't you a little young to be a manager?
362
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,720
I'm 25. I have a pituitary condition.
363
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,760
- Oh. Sorry.
- No worries. It's a common mistake.
364
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:18,000
Can I talk to you over there for a second, Mr Manager?
365
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,760
What do you think you're doing? You're screwing this up for me.
366
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,920
- Where did you get that shirt?
- Roopesh gave it to me.
367
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,320
The man's a treasure.
368
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:27,680
Look, relax. I know retail. I've read Mary Portas's book twice.
369
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,120
You've got to be firm, but fair.
370
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,160
Sorry about that. Did anything catch your eye?
371
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:33,680
What do you think of this carpet, Louie? I think it's nice.
372
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,040
That one has the very latest in stain-resistant
373
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:37,560
and hard-wearing fibres,
374
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:42,080
and we can offer a 20% discount for today only.
375
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,080
- I hate it.
- Yeah, it's horrible.
376
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,400
No problem. I've got something I think you'll love.
377
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,000
Take a look at this beauty. I'm sure your dad will approve.
378
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,160
He's not my dad. He's my stepdad.
379
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,040
Carpet shopping is his idea of fun bonding time.
380
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,600
I know how exactly what you mean.
381
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,440
My dad's girlfriend's always trying to get me to Madame Tussauds.
382
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,760
I don't care about the real life David Beckham,
383
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,440
let alone his stupid wax double.
384
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,840
Um, I mean, I remember from when I was your age.
385
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,120
Yeah... And all he ever talks about is work.
386
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,080
I mean, who cares about food science?
387
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:10,680
Food science can be a lot of fun.
388
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,120
Do you know how they measure calories? By blowing food up.
389
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:15,840
- Really?
- Yeah. That's my third career choice.
390
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,280
Er, before I fell in love with carpets, of course.
391
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,960
Let's just say that you're a solitary grizzly bear.
392
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,200
You start having feelings for a fox.
393
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:29,560
She's smart and cute, with soft hair and quirky sense of humour.
394
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,480
But she's still a fox.
395
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:35,200
And she might lift you up with all of her foxy qualities.
396
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,120
But you're just going to drag her down
397
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:38,840
with all your bear shit, you know?
398
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,200
I saw a pig doing a goat on YouTube.
399
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,360
And he's always buying me stuff to make me like him.
400
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,000
Hm, exploiting their insecurities for material gain.
401
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,480
I hadn't thought of that.
402
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,360
I mean, um, you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.
403
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,080
- You're a weird guy.
- Thanks.
404
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,160
You know, if you really want to show him,
405
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,400
you should buy the most expensive carpet we've got.
406
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:01,600
We haven't sold an inch of gold velour in, like, four years.
407
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:04,120
- How'd you do it?
- I guess I'm just a natural salesman.
408
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,880
You never change, Andy. That's what I love about you.
409
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,600
Right, three grand, to be paid back asap, OK?
410
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,600
Now, put it away quick, cos my dad's in...
411
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:12,880
- Roopesh!
- Dad.
412
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:15,520
This is the company's money.
413
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,640
It belongs to Carpet Brothers, not Carpet Sons.
414
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,960
- That sucks.
- Yeah. I didn't even get to keep the shirt.
415
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,720
If we hurry, maybe we can find another cheque cashing place.
416
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,320
- There's got to be one that doesn't care about...
- Oi!
- ..IDs.
417
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,440
There's the guy that insulted your wife.
418
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:29,840
- Leg it!
- Get him!
419
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,040
MUSIC STARTS
420
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,120
DRUMS BUILD
421
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:55,120
# Fight for the future
422
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,560
# Fight for the future
423
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,920
# It's me versus you And there's nowhere to run
424
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,960
# I can see in your eyes that the moment has come
425
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,120
# A man's gotta do what has gotta be done
426
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:17,640
# There's a dozen of you But with me, there's just one
427
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,640
# Who can recall how we got to this place?
428
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,680
# Let's put aside our differences and cut to the chase
429
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:27,000
# Cos a kick to the nuts is like a slap in the face
430
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:30,440
# To the children of tomorrow and the human race
431
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:33,440
# Fight for the future
432
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:37,240
# It's the clash of the titans Where legends must meet
433
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,800
# Fight for the future
434
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:43,080
# We'll be pounding the ground to the beat of the street
435
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,240
# Pow, pow, pow Fuckin' holy cow
436
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:49,280
# The only thing that matters is we're dancing now
437
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,520
# Moving our feet as fast as time allows
438
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,520
# As we fight through the night to make everything right
439
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:59,640
# And use all of our might to dance all night
440
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,680
# Fight for the future
441
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,320
# Don't punch my... Don't punch my face
442
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:09,080
# Fight for the future
443
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,600
# Don't touch my... Don't touch my face
444
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,080
# Fight for the future
445
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:19,120
# No, not the... No, not the face
446
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,720
# Fight for the future
447
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:26,360
# Don't punch my... Don't punch my face
448
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,440
- # Fight for the future... #
- Uncle Andy? Uncle Andy?
449
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:30,800
Uncle Andy?
450
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:44,760
My wife might be a minger, but she's my minger.
451
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,440
So, in future, you be a bit more tactful.
452
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,000
You cunt.
453
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,240
ANDY GROANS
454
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,280
You took Bonny, so I'm going to take something you care about.
455
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,720
It's tramps like you that give the homeless a bad name.
456
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:08,120
We might be hipsters, but you're mean.
457
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:11,680
And FYI, Hurt is my favourite Johnny Cash song, so...
458
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,560
That's a Nine Inch Nails cover.
459
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:18,960
Oh, 15 minutes.
460
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,760
I'm going to be living on the street, selling my body for cash.
461
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,720
No shame in that. Prostitution's one of the oldest professions.
462
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,920
I could make you a website. How about RandyAndy.net?
463
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,680
Dot net's much sluttier.
464
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:30,760
PHONE BEEPS
465
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,920
Or we could just go on the run.
466
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,400
I wouldn't have to go to this party
467
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,240
or watch my dad get married to Veronica.
468
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,440
You could live a life without burden. We could ramble and pick fruit.
469
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,920
We could work on our art and push each other to be better,
470
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,480
like Van Gogh and Gauguin,
471
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,040
except without all the ear-lopping and suicide.
472
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,280
And giving syphilis to all those Tahitian women.
473
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:55,760
I have a confession.
474
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,120
- I set your phone 15 minutes fast.
- Wait, what?
475
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,960
I thought it would help you with your lateness. It didn't work.
476
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,360
But...good news is, we've got some more time.
477
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,560
But who do we know with a spare three grand?
478
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,080
- Are you are having a fucking laugh?
- I told you he'd say that.
479
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,560
Look, Val, I know I've brought this on myself,
480
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,280
but if you help me get out of the hole I'm in,
481
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,320
I swear I'll start doing things differently.
482
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:16,800
You know, from tomorrow.
483
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,480
Or the day after that, definitely. I'll do whatever it takes.
484
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,440
I'll let you kick me in the balls, or...
485
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,720
- Shut the fuck up, Andy.
- I told you he'd say that, too.
486
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,160
All right, we'll leave.
487
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,120
- How much do you need?
- Seriously?
488
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,000
I knew a lad like you once.
489
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,720
Moving through life without purpose,
490
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,720
people treating him like a freak for the way he was born.
491
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,520
He didn't have anyone there for him when the chips were down.
492
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:37,840
I get it.
493
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,640
That freaky kid was you.
494
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:43,320
- I'm talking about my cousin Billy with cerebral palsy.
- Oh.
495
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:47,800
Anyway, they say that life is like a roller-coaster.
496
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,280
Now, some people, they have a grand old time.
497
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,480
Some people cry and scream their heads off.
498
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,240
Some just vomit.
499
00:22:55,240 --> 00:23:00,160
And others close their eyes and try and make the whole world disappear.
500
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,400
I know! The ride's what you make of it.
501
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:06,080
- You've just got to enjoy the roller-coaster.
- No, twat!
502
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,320
I'm trying to tell you that the fair has more than one ride.
503
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,640
You don't have to be on the roller-coaster.
504
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,640
You can go on the...the teacups or the Ferris wheel
505
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,960
or the whack-a-mole.
506
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,440
So, today, Andy, I'm going to buy you a new ticket
507
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,800
to get on a different ride.
508
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,680
And you'd better fucking use it.
509
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,720
- I've got your money.
- With two minutes to spare.
510
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,760
I bet you didn't think that was going to happen.
511
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,440
I have to say, I'm impressed.
512
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,040
- I'm still evicting you, though.
- What? But he got your money.
513
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,440
That he owed me. I won't have to sue. We're square.
514
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,240
I'll be the best tenant ever. I'll even fix the hole in the wall.
515
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,000
- What hole in the wall?
- I mean...
- Sorry.
516
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,440
That couple have already put down a four-month deposit.
517
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:48,200
I'll give you the weekend to move out.
518
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,320
I'd throw out your mattress. The upstairs tenant reported bedbugs.
519
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,440
DOOR SHUTS
520
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:57,480
You're 35 minutes late. The food is totally cold.
521
00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:00,600
- Ohhh, the food.
- Shit. We really were having an early dinner.
522
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,920
What else did you think was happening?
523
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,560
Surprise!
524
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,200
Oh, wow. Um, I had no idea.
525
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,800
- Well, thanks, guys.
- Only the best for our birthday boy.
526
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,040
Er, Dad, I believe there was something you wanted to tell me.
527
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:21,240
- Oh, it can wait till later.
- Let's do it now.
528
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,800
It can be a...a dual celebration.
529
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,200
OK.
530
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,120
Well, um, Veronica, do you want to...?
531
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:31,360
Er, Roly, guys, Sam...
532
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:32,960
and Bruce.
533
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,960
Um, Veronica and I...
534
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,080
are getting married.
535
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:41,680
- Yeah!
- Aw, congratulations.
536
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:44,560
APPLAUSE
537
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,520
Microscope, microscope, microscope.
538
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,440
- It's a telescope.
- That is so cool.
539
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,320
Yeah, yeah... Actually, yeah, it is. Thanks, Dad.
540
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,320
You know, you can always live with us, if you want.
541
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,720
- I wouldn't mind.
- Thank you.
542
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:05,880
Your embosser will be safe, I promise.
543
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,040
You know, as far as wicked stepmothers go,
544
00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:12,880
you could do a lot worse.
545
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,560
Yeah, I suppose.
546
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,640
Dad's entitled to a bit of happiness.
547
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,680
And when love's staring you in the face,
548
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:20,720
you'd be a fool to kick it in the teeth.
549
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,120
Even if it does have a subscription to Hello! magazine.
550
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:25,520
Be back in a second.
551
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,880
Be honest. Did you know about the party?
552
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,400
No. No, you got me. Total surprise.
553
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:36,920
- You know that Bruce really helped me put all this all together.
- Cool.
554
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,680
How would you feel about him being around a little bit more?
555
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,280
How much more?
556
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:47,320
Well, we were thinking of, um... of moving in together.
557
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:54,400
What, like, um...me, you, Bruce
558
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,240
and...and Tiffany?
559
00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:00,120
Well, Tiff's joint custody like you, so...
560
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,240
so sometimes, yeah.
561
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:05,000
But, you know, we'll figure it out.
562
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,000
- Great.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
563
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,120
Yeah? I love you. Mwah!
564
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:14,840
So, now you know my sob story.
565
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:17,440
The worst thing that could've happened, happened.
566
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,200
And you know what?
567
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:21,960
I don't even care.
568
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:27,120
- I'm going to start a new chapter in my life. Only...
- 'Only?'
569
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:31,440
Well, it's too late. My foxy bedbug has left me.
570
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,400
- She went to Heathrow at five.
- Well, then there's still time.
571
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:37,560
It's six o'clock now, so unless you've got a DeLorean
572
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,720
or a magic police box lying around...
573
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,160
'If she left at five for an international flight,'
574
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,200
the flight doesn't leave until eight or nine.
575
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,760
- I've still got time?
- Yes, dummy, you still have time.
576
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:50,360
Sam! I need to borrow your car keys.
577
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,240
- What for?
- I need to cause a disaster.
578
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,520
OK, but you'd better not change my radio presets.
579
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,640
PHONE RINGS
580
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,000
Melodie, I was about to call you. Please say you haven't left yet.
581
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,800
'Andy, who's Melodie?'
582
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:09,160
Teresa? Ah... Um, I'm sorry. I can't talk right now.
583
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,120
'Don't worry. I won't keep you long.'
584
00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:13,280
I just wanted you to know my husband's left me.
585
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:16,280
Oh, shit. I'm...sorry.
586
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:19,800
Well, not your fault. Finding my pregnancy test didn't help.
587
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,000
He had a vasectomy 20 years ago.
588
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,320
- Uh-huh.
- 'Are you listening, Andy?'
589
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:27,760
I'm pregnant.
590
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:29,640
'So much for the menopause.
591
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:31,960
'Andy?'
592
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:38,040
# Still don't know what I was waiting for
593
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:41,080
# And my time was running wild
594
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,360
# A million dead-end streets and...
595
00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:46,680
# Every time I thought I'd got it made
596
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,360
# It seemed the taste... #
597
00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:50,720
Do you want to go for a drive?
598
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:52,400
Where?
599
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,280
Anywhere.
600
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:56,000
Sounds perfect.
601
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,600
# I've never caught a glimpse
602
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:03,320
# How the others must see the faker
603
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,160
# I'm much too fast to take that test
604
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,440
# Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
605
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,960
# Turn and face the stranger
606
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:13,760
# Ch-Ch-Changes
607
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,520
# Don't wanna be a richer man
608
00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:19,040
# Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
609
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,320
# Turn and face the stranger
610
00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:23,480
# Ch-Ch-Changes
611
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,200
# Just gonna have to be a different man
612
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,120
# Time may change me
613
00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:32,520
# But I can't trace time
614
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:39,800
# Ooh, yeah
615
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,040
# Time may change me
616
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,920
# But I can't trace time
617
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,080
# I said that time may change me
618
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:56,840
# But I can't trace time. #
48948
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