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1
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Here's one - "Door attendant for a nightclub in Stoke Newington."
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- That's music related.
- Standing in a doorway in Stokey
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isn't REALLY music related, is it?
4
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- All right.
- How about, "A mover at a piano factory in Ealing"?
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Look, Suzan, despite my brawny physic,
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you might be surprised to learn I'm not much of pack mule.
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I have a bulging lumbar.
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That's not as dirty as it sounds.
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I give up, Mr King. We've been at this for weeks
10
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and I haven't found a single job up to your standards.
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How about fighter pilot? "I feel the need, the need for..."
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A job that doesn't take years of training and qualifications.
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MOBILE BUZZES
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Have you had any employment outside of music?
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When I was a teenager I worked in a cinema for six months.
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That was until the nacho incident.
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Health and safety found some swimmers in the liquid cheese.
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It wasn't me, but I took the bullet cos I'm a team player.
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And then I've just been working at Carpet Brothers for the last year.
20
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That was until I got myself intentionally fired.
21
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- And why would you do that?
- Severance, duh!
22
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Wait, this is confidential right? Like a doctor-patient thing?
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This programme contains adult humour and contains very strong language.
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Hello, Mr Calcite.
25
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Looking very handsome today.
26
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Who's touched my minerals?
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- What's up sailor?
- Hi, Roly.
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They were all organised alphabetically
29
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and now opal's in fluorite's place. It's mayhem!
30
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Are you sure you didn't move them by mistake?
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Mistake? Me? Mistake?
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I, um, might have moved them accidentally while I was cleaning.
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You cleaned my room?
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Sweetheart, would you give us a minute?
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- Roly, listen...
- How long is she staying?
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Roly, you have to face it, she's living with us now.
37
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And please stop calling her "she". Veronica's only trying to help.
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Well, I found Helpful Veronica's super-plus tampons
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- in the bathroom three weeks ago.
- So...?
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So by my calculations, she's ovulating.
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Therefore, I highly suggest that you use a prophylactic.
42
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We wouldn't want any mistakes.
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Andy, we need to talk.
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George, I can't talk now. Got a conference call with Berlin.
45
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You're nearly three months late.
46
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That explains the bloating and the morning sickness.
47
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- First trimesters, eh?
- I want my rent, Andy.
48
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- How about I pay you in guitar lessons?
- Hate guitar.
49
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Fine. How about this, then?
50
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Are you bribing me with drugs?
51
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That depends - is it working?
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Fine. But I want my money ASAP or you're out.
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- MOBILE RINGS
- Cool stuff.
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- Yep?
- Hey, Andy. It's Ben.
55
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Shit. Did Roly tell you about the shoplifting?
56
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- He made me do it.
- What shoplifting?
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HE LAUGHS
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Gotcha!
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Ah...
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- How can I help?
- Listen, can you take care of Roly this weekend?
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- Andy?
- Sorry, I was just checking to see if hell had frozen over.
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I can't believe I'm asking this either.
63
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And don't tell Sam this. Um...
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He's having a few teething problems with Veronica.
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He could use some outside perspective.
66
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You know, you could do your "cool uncle" thing.
67
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So, you're pawning off your kid's problems on cool Uncle Andy?
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- Forget it. This was a bad idea.
- No, no, no, no! No, Ben, Ben.
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I'll do it...on one condition.
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I'm not paying you.
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I don't want you to pay me!
72
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But will you pay my rent?
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I'll pay for dinner. Now, come pick him up.
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And, Andy, remember - don't tell Sam.
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You have my word.
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Ben's making me look after Errol this weekend
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cos he can't stop fighting with Ver-on-ica!
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- Hello?
- Has Mum called you yet?
79
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No. She's not going to visit, is she?
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Do I have to stock up on Sambuca and unfiltered Camels?
81
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No. Uncle Frank's dying. Stage 4. It's in his lungs.
82
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Huh.
83
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Oddly...I don't give a shit.
84
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Thank God it's not just me. I thought I was a horrible person.
85
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- Is he in hospital?
- No. He's at his cabin. He's got days, apparently.
86
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- You're not planning on visiting?
- Fuck no.
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I'm supposed to be working on my dissertation.
88
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But so far, I have spent three hours on my Pinterest page
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for my imaginary horse sanctuary.
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That miserable bastard can die alone.
91
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He taught me how to skin joints for him when I was six.
92
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Tiny hands make great special smokes.
93
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Do you remember how he used to call you shit brains?
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- No?
- "Shit brains!"
95
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I swear, if he left us anything in his will, I wouldn't take it.
96
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I don't want his blood money.
97
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How much blood money are we talking about?
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I remember hearing he made a few hundred grand in insurance
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after his strip club burnt down.
100
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So, what are you doing today?
101
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Get in!
102
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She touched my minerals!
103
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The next thing you know, she'll be using my laminator or my embosser!
104
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What does Dad see in her?
105
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Wait, where are we going? I thought we were going to your place.
106
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- We're going to visit Uncle Frank.
- Who?
107
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Me and your mum's Uncle. You know, your Grandma Jane's brother.
108
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Oh. I never knew I had a great uncle.
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Trust me, he's not that great.
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He dropped off the map when he went to prison
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for stealing dialysis machines.
112
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I think he tried to sell one to Osama Bin Laden.
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Well, this is great! He'll know how to handle Veronica.
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I've been looking for a wise old mentor.
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I thought I was your mentor!
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- I said "wise", didn't I?
- Good luck with that. He hates kids.
117
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When we were played hide-and-seek,
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he'd make me hide in the tumble dryer.
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Why are we going to visit him, then?
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Because I'm late on my rent and he's about to croak and...
121
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- I need to check if I'm in his will.
- HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
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You're taking advantage of a dying man? That's disgusting.
123
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Tumble dryer! Yeah?
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What would you say if I told you that he used to steal my minerals,
125
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grind them up and snort them for breakfast?
126
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Well, I'd say step on it.
127
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Never seen a dying person before.
128
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Don't worry.
129
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Just try and imagine him with a clown's nose.
130
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You want me to imagine a dying clown?
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Hello?
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Uncle Frank?
133
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Uncle Frank?
134
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Is he dead?
135
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I don't know. Check his pulse.
136
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Ew, I don't touch raw chicken. I'm not going to touch some dead guy.
137
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He's not some dead guy, he's Frank.
138
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Now, show some respect and check your dead uncle's pulse.
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GUN SHAFT CLICKS
140
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Who are you?
141
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- Hello, Frank. It's your nephew, Andy.
- I haven't got a nephew.
142
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And if I did, he wouldn't look like a Big Issue seller.
143
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Now, I'm going to count to three
144
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and you and the skinny girl better be gone by two.
145
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One...
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This is Errol, Sam's son.
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You have a lovely home.
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- Two...
- I'm too young to die! I haven't seen a solar eclipse.
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- BANG!
- Argh!
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FRANK LAUGHS
151
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Got you, shit brains!
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It's not loaded.
153
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Think I can't remember my own sister's loser kid?
154
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Make yourself at home.
155
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Can I get you anything? Whisky? Bourbon?
156
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How about a nice chamomile, perhaps?
157
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Just pretend he's not here.
158
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Why are you here, shit brains?
159
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- I heard you were dying.
- I'm not dying.
160
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Nothing a good steak and a Lemsip won't sort out.
161
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Just came to see if I could do anything to help?
162
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I haven't seen you for 15 years. How are you going to help?
163
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I'm a great caregiver.
164
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I once kept a whole tank of sea monkeys alive for almost a year.
165
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Just pretend he isn't here.
166
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FRANK COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
167
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Shouldn't you be in a hospital, Uncle Frank?
168
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Those pricks, they don't want to cure you.
169
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They want to keep you nice and sick
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so you can line the drug companies' pockets.
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Plus, I was banned - groping a nurse.
172
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What is the NHS coming to, eh?
173
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That's Rasputin, the meanest fighting cock you've ever seen.
174
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50 fights, undefeated.
175
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Oh, he's the light of my life.
176
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Anyway. Nice of you to pop in.
177
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You can both piss off now. Antiques Roadshow's about to start.
178
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All right, fine. We'll leave.
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It's just a shame to let all these go to waste.
180
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There might be a little something you can do round the house.
181
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No!
182
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You can have these when we're finished.
183
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First, how can I help?
184
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- You could do the dishes.
- Errol, adults are talking.
185
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Kid's right. Do my dishes.
186
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Why don't we go to the cinema after this, Uncle Frank?
187
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- They say laughter is the best medicine.
- Shut up.
188
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Trying to find out how much this porcelain chamber pot's worth.
189
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Should you be smoking in your condition, Uncle Frank?
190
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They're his lungs. He can do what he likes.
191
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Do you know who you remind me of?
192
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A young Brian Cox? The physicist, not the actor.
193
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He's a cox, all right.
194
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You remind me of Helmet Harry. We was in the Falklands together.
195
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He was built like an anorexic flamingo and all.
196
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I didn't know you were in the Falklands, Uncle Frank.
197
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You didn't know your dick was attached to your balls.
198
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Anyway, he was obsessed with keeping his helmet spotless.
199
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If he got anything on his helmet,
200
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Harry'd be polishing away like that, bullets whistling by.
201
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What happened to him?
202
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Got his head shot off, didn't he? Mid-polish.
203
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Great funeral, though.
204
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Ooh. His mum gave my helmet a little bit of a polish and all, son.
205
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FRANK LAUGHS
206
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Nice one, Frank, you ledge.
207
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Here, have a look at the shrapnel they pulled out of my arse.
208
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I'd, er, love to.
209
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,160
What are you doing?!
210
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I'm learning about the older generation.
211
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It's like the History Channel, but with less Hitler and more swearing.
212
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Ask Frank if I'm in his will.
213
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No. No, we've got too much in common. We both love antiques.
214
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- You like collecting farts in a jar.
- Jesus, that was once!
215
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You ask him. Just be up front with him.
216
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I think he responds to blunt honesty.
217
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- I can't ask him that.
- You're terrified of him, aren't you?
218
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- Yeah, right.
- Oi!
219
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Get your arse in here, Errol.
220
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Ask him.
221
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This little bastard was an inch away from paralysing me.
222
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Cool.
223
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What type of mineral is that?
224
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That's a kidney stone.
225
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It was like passing a meteor through a bendy straw.
226
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Here. It's yours.
227
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Shouldn't you leave it in your will
228
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to the Imperial War Museum or something?
229
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I'd never write a will.
230
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Two things in this life you never trust - cats and banks.
231
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That's why I buried all my money out in the garden.
232
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How do you remember where you put it?
233
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I got a map...like Long John Silver.
234
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Who's that?
235
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I don't know.
236
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Came with the frame.
237
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MOBILE RINGS
238
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,880
Um, just looking for the bathroom.
239
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- Hello? Oh, you've got company?
- Janice.
240
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This is my shit-brained nephew and this is my...my great-nephew, Errol.
241
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Hi, there boys. Frank, I brought you some shepherd's pie.
242
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Oh! I love pie.
243
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Janice runs the sheep farm next door with her husband.
244
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I do the cooking, he does the humping and lumping.
245
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Don't sell yourself short, Janice. You do plenty of humping.
246
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Oh, Frank!
247
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Oh, Frank! Ohh!
248
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,720
'Ooh! Frank! Ooh!'
249
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,360
'Oh, Frank!'
250
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,600
That's the most disturbing noise I've ever heard -
251
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,200
and I've heard foxes mate.
252
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,400
We need to find that map.
253
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,800
So, now you want to steal? Frank doesn't deserve that.
254
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:13,240
Did it never occur to you that maybe he doesn't hate kids?
255
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,000
Maybe he just hates you?
256
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,480
Just keep a look out for me.
257
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,240
MOBILE RINGS
258
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:21,280
What is it?
259
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,680
- You haven't responded to my Candy Crush invite.
- What?
260
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,120
I can't unlock the next level until you accept my invite.
261
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,840
I swear I will start on my dissertation right after that.
262
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:35,000
Oh! I love that shepherd's pie!
263
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,560
She can do what she likes anywhere else in the house,
264
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:40,520
but just stay out of my room and keep your claws off my minerals.
265
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,120
You know what you want to do?
266
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,120
- Get a life?
- Write her a stern letter.
267
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,320
Shave her hair off.
268
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,160
What? You mean, like, metaphorically?
269
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,320
Use scissors or a razor or whatever you've got.
270
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,960
That's what I did when a bloke tried it on with me in the nick.
271
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,320
I mean, I'm not one to turn down a free Billy Joel,
272
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:56,920
don't get me wrong, he was too ugly for radio.
273
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,480
You're like a real-life Shawshank Redemption, aren't you.
274
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,280
- Did he leave you alone after that?
- Nah!
275
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,000
Got beaten to a pulp, spent three months in the prison hospital.
276
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,280
Still can't shit right.
277
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,800
But I stood up for myself.
278
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,840
Fill it up.
279
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,040
And don't forget the kid.
280
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,080
Oh. He doesn't drink.
281
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:15,680
No, no - I'll have a little.
282
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,760
Not after what happened last time. Your folks would kill me.
283
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,160
- What happened? You go on a bender?
- HE CHUCKLES
284
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,680
No, he...
285
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,280
Doesn't matter, the answer's no.
286
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,520
You look like you could do with a refill, Uncle Frank.
287
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:31,880
Shall I get you another bottle?
288
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,120
That's the best idea you've had all day, shit brains.
289
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,440
Shit brains to the rescue.
290
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,080
So, who's the girl, then?
291
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,120
Girl?
292
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,640
You said it came with the frame but they don't put Polaroids in frames.
293
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:51,920
Uh-huh.
294
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,840
That's Maggie, my daughter.
295
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,120
Do you see her much?
296
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,320
No. I ain't seen her since she was little.
297
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,240
Did a little bit of digging recently, though,
298
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,240
and turns out she works in Southend Hospital.
299
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,000
She's a maternity nurse.
300
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,840
I spent all my life running. Turns out she works 40 minutes away.
301
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,720
Somebody up there's got a sick sense of humour, kid.
302
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,160
Oi! What's keeping you, shit brains?
303
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,640
Would you like bottle service at your table, sir?
304
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:38,160
Depends...when you've done looking for my map.
305
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,920
Wait! Me and Uncle Frank were just starting to bond.
306
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,840
He was teaching me how to deal with Veronica,
307
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,240
- and maybe even the meaning of life!
- The meaning of life is
308
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,080
don't get killed by a psychotic criminal who's high on pure oxygen.
309
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,880
Wait, you can't drink and drive.
310
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,200
Watch me.
311
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,440
ENGINE STUTTERS
312
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,840
Oh, no, no, no, no.
313
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,920
No, no, no! Come on!
314
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,400
Leaving so soon?
315
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,480
I was about to pop a frozen pizza into the oven.
316
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,280
All right, then. Thanks. Bye.
317
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,040
They can't fix the car till tomorrow.
318
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:13,720
Are you going to ask?
319
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,120
Ask what?
320
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,000
If you can stay the night.
321
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,400
Well, can we?
322
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,560
Yeah.
323
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:25,640
But if either of you touch my vintage porn collection,
324
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:26,960
I'll cut your tits off.
325
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,320
This sofa pulls down into a bed.
326
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,240
Don't worry about the stain on the mattress.
327
00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:33,960
Little bit of shepherd's pie.
328
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,640
Oh, no.
329
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,480
I am destined to live a life of poverty.
330
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,760
I will never be able to afford my own Flying V guitar,
331
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,640
handmade boots, my own bidet.
332
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,280
You just need to pay your rent.
333
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,000
Why don't you ask Frank for a loan?
334
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,800
Frank's not going to give me a loan!
335
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,360
He's never done anything nice for me. Why would he start now?
336
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,360
Well, have you ever done anything nice for him?
337
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,080
TOILET FLUSHES
338
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,600
Ahh.
339
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,640
Nothing quite like the first piss of the day, lads.
340
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,360
What are you two looking so happy about?
341
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,720
You ain't found my stash of magic mushrooms, have you?
342
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,720
No. But we have invited someone magical over.
343
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:20,560
Who? Drum roll...
344
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:24,800
Maggie!
345
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,720
I think he just needs some time to process.
346
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,720
MOBILE RINGS
347
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,320
Hello? What are you doing up?
348
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:41,160
I just bought a superfood nutrition extractor, aka the NutriBullet.
349
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,120
- What?
- OK, it's basically just a juicer but it's amazing
350
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,000
and it's so easy to clean, which is great cos
351
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,960
when I'm working on my dissertation, I won't have time for the dishes.
352
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,320
- Motherfucker!
353
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,840
Who was that?
354
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:53,280
- DOOR SLAMS
- Frank.
355
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,240
- You took Roly to meet Uncle Frank!?
- Sam...
356
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:56,360
HANG-UP TONE
357
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:58,440
Sam?
358
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,760
Wait, Frank!
359
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,360
Shit, Frank!
360
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,640
You better contact Maggie right now and un-invite her.
361
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,200
I'm sorry, we just thought...
362
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:12,800
You? Who gave you permission to think, shit brains?
363
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,720
- OK, OK! I'll phone her!
- It's too late.
364
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:22,760
Hi, there.
365
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,240
I'm you're cousin Andy. This is my nephew Errol.
366
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,200
- Yes, it's a stupid name.
- How was the drive?
367
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,960
Just a trip down the motorway.
368
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,160
- Thank God for Radio 4.
- Oh, I love Radio 4.
369
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,320
Especially Woman's Hour.
370
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,760
Did you hear the episode with Hillary Clinton?
371
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,480
Would you like a drink?
372
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,200
There's no chamomile.
373
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:42,680
Um...I'm all right, thanks. I don't...
374
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,200
Hi.
375
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:47,600
What's going on?
376
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,720
You told me he was dead and you needed me to identify the body?
377
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,160
You said I was dead?
378
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,280
He said you dropped a radio in the bath.
379
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,200
A radio? That'd never work.
380
00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,320
Well, it could work. Hypothetically.
381
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,800
- I can't do this.
- No, no, Maggie, wait!
382
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,320
"Dear Maggie, happy eighth birthday.
383
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:06,840
"I'm sorry I can't visit this year.
384
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,800
"I know I promised, but something's come up."
385
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,600
Where'd you get that? You give that back.
386
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,600
"I got your cards and I know you miss me,
387
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,400
"but just cos you love a thing don't make it good for you.
388
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:20,240
"Like sniffing glue. Have a nice life. Love, Frank."
389
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,480
But you never posted this letter, did you, Frank?
390
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,480
You had no right to go through my stuff.
391
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:25,920
Frank, stop.
392
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,400
CLOCK TICKS
393
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,360
Have you seen Frank's vintage porn collection?
394
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:36,400
Or his cock?
395
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,480
Look, Maggie, it was nothing against you, the whole losing touch thing.
396
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,440
Losing touch? Is that what you call it?
397
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,600
I think that's called deserting, Frank.
398
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,280
Pot-ae-to, pot-a-to.
399
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,720
You were better off without me.
400
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,240
You left me with a crazy person.
401
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,240
Mum blamed me for you abandoning us. And you know what?
402
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,720
The whole thing would have been almost bearable
403
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,800
with a phone call once in a while.
404
00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,920
In Frank's defence, there is hardly any reception up here.
405
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:02,880
Yeah, I mean, I've only got one bar.
406
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,960
You've avoided responsibility your whole life
407
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:09,360
and now I'm supposed to forgive you because you're dying?
408
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,760
I've been telling people you were dead for years.
409
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:14,280
Makes it easier when my son asks questions.
410
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,680
You have a son?
411
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,080
Grandpa Frank. That's got a nice ring to it.
412
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,160
I can't do this.
413
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,680
What did you guys think was going to happen?
414
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,640
Frank and I would make up for lost time
415
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,360
and I'd whisper, "I love you, Daddy"?
416
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,320
You don't have to whisper if you don't want to.
417
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,640
All right, let's start over!
418
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,120
Frank, how about you say, "Hello, Maggie,
419
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,360
"it's nice to see you after all these years."
420
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,520
And Maggie, how about you say, "Frank..."
421
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,240
- You piece of shit, I'll kill you!
- Sam?
422
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:39,960
You had no right bringing Roly here!
423
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,720
I never wanted him to meet Uncle Frank.
424
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,680
- How did you get here so quickly?
- I speeded.
425
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,040
- Mum, no!
- Yes. Errol, get in the car now!
426
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,240
Sorry - who are you?
427
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:49,080
I'm Frank's estranged daughter, Maggie.
428
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,400
I'm Frank's estranged niece, Sam. Hi.
429
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:52,680
What did I do to piss you off?
430
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,320
Really? Nothing comes to mind?
431
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,120
What? I hit you once?
432
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,880
Wow! Huh.
433
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,720
You are a piece of work, Frank.
434
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,320
Good luck with the dying.
435
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,840
- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.
436
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:07,960
Who wants some tea?
437
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:13,000
It was all fine till you idiots showed up.
438
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,880
You think I don't know why you're here?
439
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:19,960
There is no map.
440
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,360
You want some money?
441
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:24,640
Then stop avoiding a hard day's work and go out and earn it.
442
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,200
Avoiding?
443
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,040
You're the one that's hiding in a cabin in the woods like Bigfoot.
444
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,040
Face it Frank, you're going to die.
445
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,320
You know what?
446
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:37,640
It's people like you, make me wish that cancer was contagious.
447
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,640
What are you looking at, you?
448
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,760
You never seen a monster before, son?
449
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,000
- You're not a monster.
- What would you know?
450
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:48,280
You're too busy worrying about your precious minerals!
451
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,000
They're just rocks!
452
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,560
You want to know how to handle your dad's girlfriend?
453
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:56,440
Get some rocks of your own, you whiny little shit!
454
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,200
- Now, you yet out.
- It's not even loaded.
455
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:05,840
Get out!
456
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,200
He can't get away with this.
457
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,600
No, Sam!
458
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,080
Stay here.
459
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,880
CHOKING
460
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,240
FRANK WHEEZES
461
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,800
Chest pains started a couple of months ago.
462
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,320
I thought it was an old fighting injury acting up.
463
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,160
Then came the cough.
464
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:44,800
HE SIGHS
465
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,080
Lungs like a puddle of mud.
466
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,400
I tried putting it off until, uh...
467
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,200
till I passed out at the race track.
468
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,800
Woke up in hospital shot through with needles.
469
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,400
Doctors said I have a week to live, tops.
470
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,560
That was a week ago.
471
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,720
I thought you were banned for groping a nurse?
472
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,080
No, that's just me building up my rep, kid.
473
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:14,560
They begged me to stay, but I wanted to enjoy my last few hours.
474
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,320
That was before you lot showed up.
475
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,920
Look, Frank, the hospital has grade-A pain meds...
476
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,280
If you went back, you wouldn't have to be alone.
477
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,400
We could keep you company, you know, until...
478
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:27,960
FRANK COUGHS
479
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,960
No, that's not my speed.
480
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,200
Plus...
481
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:37,120
they don't have lovely shepherd's pie in the hospital.
482
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:41,200
Look, there's one thing you can do for me before you go.
483
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,560
You dug your own grave.
484
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:46,400
Who else was going to do it?
485
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,680
It's a bit morbid, isn't it?
486
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,720
Of course it's morbid, it's a fucking grave.
487
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,800
I bet the Council won't approve of this.
488
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,600
Right. Who's first up? And...and no sugar-coating.
489
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,000
Um...
490
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:03,320
There are over 4,000 different types of officially recognised minerals.
491
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,840
Some people may ask, "Errol, what's your favourite type of mineral?"
492
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,000
Nobody ever asks that.
493
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,680
The point isn't what my favourite type of mineral is -
494
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,520
kyanite, by the way -
495
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:15,080
it's about how each mineral has its own qualities.
496
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,840
And if I had to say which mineral best represents Uncle Frank,
497
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,760
I'd say...cinnabar.
498
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:23,920
Known for its vibrant red colour. Also known as dragon's blood.
499
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,120
Unfortunately, cinnabar, aka mercury sulphide,
500
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,760
is the most toxic mineral on earth.
501
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,640
And that's how I'll remember Uncle Frank,
502
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,480
as someone who caught the eye
503
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:36,080
but if you stayed with him too long, he'd kill you.
504
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,120
Hm.
505
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,200
HE CHUCKLES
506
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,520
Samantha?
507
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,560
I'm not saying I want Uncle Frank to go to hell,
508
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,800
just somewhere he'd really hate,
509
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,440
like an aquarium filled with hundreds of kids on a school trip
510
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,160
for all eternity.
511
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,360
I'm going to miss him,
512
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,320
the way you miss that feeling just after you've thrown up when you...
513
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,360
when you still feel sick but...
514
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:05,280
..but you're relieved the worst is over.
515
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,320
Mm.
516
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,960
You're up, shit brains.
517
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:12,480
Uncle Frank...
518
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:18,440
In a family of black sheep, you were by far the blackest.
519
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:22,480
And, coming from me, that is high praise indeed.
520
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,400
And I confess, I only came here to see if you could pay my rent.
521
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,680
But I learned something - life isn't all about rent.
522
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:32,080
It's about shooting guns and watching panel shows.
523
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,000
Relationships are overrated, anyway.
524
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,600
Who cares if you take loads of drugs?
525
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:39,440
People are just jealous you're having a better time than them.
526
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:41,160
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
527
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:45,680
you caused a trail of destruction that can never be fixed.
528
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,400
But at least you did it your way...
529
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,000
you miserable prick.
530
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:57,960
PS - stop calling me shit brains, it doesn't help my confidence.
531
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,720
Thank you, shit brains.
532
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:02,920
It's my turn.
533
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,080
Frank, you dead piece of shit.
534
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,600
Look at all the things you've done in your life,
535
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:10,960
like when you mugged a priest.
536
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:14,240
Or when you tried to sell dead people's teeth to the Russians.
537
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,600
Or that night you spent with Dirty Carla.
538
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:20,800
Ooh. she made the back of a Skoda feel like a night in the Dorchester.
539
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,960
But if there is anything to learn from all this,
540
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:27,400
it's don't mix coke and heroin -
541
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,000
it makes your chest feel like it's bursting
542
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,640
and caving in at the same time.
543
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,040
And, uh...
544
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,160
..I'm sorry.
545
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:41,840
For everything.
546
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:47,000
And remember - always take the piss out of life...
547
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,160
..before life takes the piss out of you.
548
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,960
HE CHUCKLES
549
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:01,200
Well, it was, er, really interesting coming to meet you, Uncle Frank,
550
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,760
and, um, I'll take your advice and stay firm with my ground rules.
551
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:07,840
On behalf of the family, thank you for your service in the Falklands.
552
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,280
What are you talking about? He was never in the Falklands.
553
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,920
- What about the shrapnel?
- I got that off my bookie
554
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,000
after he tried to blow me up in a Ford Granada.
555
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,840
That's still pretty cool. Maybe we can visit again.
556
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,720
- I'll bring my own chamomile next time.
- Sounds good.
557
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,720
If you're interested, I'd love to interview you for my dissertation.
558
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:25,800
What's it about?
559
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,240
Antisocial Personality Disorder.
560
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:30,280
Bye, Frank.
561
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:33,840
Deal's a deal.
562
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,400
Well, you do have your uses, shit brains.
563
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,200
That I do, cancer man.
564
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:43,240
Look...
565
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,280
I'm sorry I tried to rip you off.
566
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,160
Nothing I wouldn't have done, kid.
567
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,160
Maybe you are a chip off the old block, eh?
568
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:52,280
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
569
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:53,560
MESSAGE TONE BEEPS
570
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,040
A girl I've been avoiding.
571
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,480
You fancy her?
572
00:25:58,480 --> 00:25:59,560
It's complicated.
573
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:02,440
Any pearls?
574
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:05,560
Don't try anal on the first date. They don't like it.
575
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,240
I'll keep that in mind.
576
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,560
- What's that?
- It's the map.
577
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,960
I want you to give it to Maggie when I kick it.
578
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,960
Will you do that for me?
579
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,720
Yeah, you have my word.
580
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:20,040
No peeking.
581
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:22,400
And don't worry - I'll leave you something valuable...
582
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,040
..my porn collection.
583
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:27,600
Bye, Uncle Frank.
584
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:28,640
Bye, shit b...
585
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:32,720
Andy.
586
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:38,040
Go on, fuck off. Bargain Hunt's about to start.
587
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,120
MESSAGE TONE BEEPS
588
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:12,960
# I don't believe in an interventionist God
589
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:23,600
# But I know, darling, that you do
590
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:34,840
# But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
591
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:44,880
# Not to intervene when it came to you
592
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:52,800
# Not to touch a hair on your head Leave you as you are
593
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:58,560
# If He felt He had to direct you Then direct you into my arms
594
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:06,080
# Into my arms, O Lord
595
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:11,240
# Into my arms, O Lord
596
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:16,280
# Into my arms, O Lord
597
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:20,160
# Into my arms
598
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,360
# And I don't believe
599
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:30,160
# In the existence of angels
600
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:37,280
# But looking at you
601
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:41,000
# I wonder if that's true
602
00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:49,720
# But if I did I would summon them together... #
46264
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