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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,526 --> 00:00:05,619 Malory Archer. Ho. 2 00:00:05,795 --> 00:00:08,457 You get more beautiful every time I see you. 3 00:00:08,631 --> 00:00:10,622 - Oh-ho-ho, Gussy. - Minx. 4 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:14,236 You'll be the death of me yet. But if I die... 5 00:00:14,404 --> 00:00:17,567 let it be with the name of this dusky jewel upon my lips. 6 00:00:17,740 --> 00:00:20,709 Lord Feltchley, may I present Miss Lana Kane? 7 00:00:20,877 --> 00:00:22,970 Yes, you bloody well may. 8 00:00:23,146 --> 00:00:24,909 So nice to, uh... Wow. 9 00:00:25,081 --> 00:00:27,606 Okay, that's kidskin you're slobbering on, so... 10 00:00:27,784 --> 00:00:28,944 Okay. 11 00:00:29,118 --> 00:00:32,281 Wouldn't want to offend that boyfriend of yours, eh, wot? 12 00:00:32,455 --> 00:00:34,480 No offense taken, Your Lordship. 13 00:00:34,657 --> 00:00:36,591 Glad to hear it. Whoever you are. 14 00:00:36,759 --> 00:00:38,693 Cyril Figgis, ISIS Comptroller. 15 00:00:38,861 --> 00:00:40,158 - And also my... - Boyfriend. 16 00:00:40,329 --> 00:00:41,819 - Person I'm dating. - No, he isn't. 17 00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:43,022 - We date. - No, you don't. 18 00:00:43,199 --> 00:00:44,826 - Ha. - No, no, no. 19 00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:48,493 Your man's a rakish chap. Air of mystery, chiseled good looks? 20 00:00:48,671 --> 00:00:51,469 - Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex? - Oh. 21 00:00:51,641 --> 00:00:53,939 - Archer. - Archer, exactly just. 22 00:00:54,110 --> 00:00:57,546 And if memory serves, not only handsome, but also... 23 00:00:57,714 --> 00:00:59,079 A secret agent. 24 00:01:00,450 --> 00:01:03,817 That's what I am. And I shouldn't even be saying that... 25 00:01:03,986 --> 00:01:07,251 but you have a certain thickness about you... 26 00:01:07,423 --> 00:01:08,947 that I very find appealing... 27 00:01:09,125 --> 00:01:11,355 I find your drunkenness very unappealing... 28 00:01:11,527 --> 00:01:13,620 I am drunk or I wouldn't be talking to you. 29 00:01:13,796 --> 00:01:17,323 - So if you'll please excuse me. - Hey, come on. Don't be like that. 30 00:01:18,668 --> 00:01:20,431 - Whoops. - Sterling, look out. 31 00:01:20,603 --> 00:01:23,663 Feltchley, you dirty Sassenach. 32 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:28,243 Free Irishmen will never bow down before the English crown. 33 00:01:32,482 --> 00:01:34,040 Oh l� l�, Sterling Archer. 34 00:01:34,217 --> 00:01:35,514 That was totally ninja. 35 00:01:37,086 --> 00:01:38,747 Yeah, if you're... 36 00:01:38,921 --> 00:01:40,650 into that. Hmm? - Lana? 37 00:01:40,823 --> 00:01:43,053 - Hon? Hello? - Huh? Hey. 38 00:01:44,193 --> 00:01:46,855 - What's up, buddy? - Ugh. Nothing. 39 00:01:47,029 --> 00:01:48,587 Oh, dear. 40 00:01:48,765 --> 00:01:51,700 Good show, Archer. Really saved my bacon there. 41 00:01:51,868 --> 00:01:55,099 Hey, come on. You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. 42 00:01:55,271 --> 00:01:58,331 - I love you, Santa Claus. - What? 43 00:01:59,509 --> 00:02:00,533 I do. 44 00:02:32,608 --> 00:02:34,473 Cyril, we've got big problems. 45 00:02:34,644 --> 00:02:36,111 Well, it may seem daunting now... 46 00:02:36,279 --> 00:02:39,646 but in the long run the HSA makes a lot more sense than flex accounts. 47 00:02:39,816 --> 00:02:41,716 I don't mean the health plan. 48 00:02:41,884 --> 00:02:44,580 Unless it covers Wandering Eye Syndrome. 49 00:02:44,754 --> 00:02:47,314 That depends on if that's a real thing. 50 00:02:47,490 --> 00:02:50,254 Oh, it's very real. And Lana has it. 51 00:02:50,426 --> 00:02:51,859 - Wait, what? - Cyril, I know... 52 00:02:52,028 --> 00:02:54,428 you saw how she looked at Sterling last night. 53 00:02:54,597 --> 00:02:56,428 Well, I think she was just shaken up... 54 00:02:56,599 --> 00:02:58,032 Stirred up, Cyril. 55 00:02:58,201 --> 00:03:01,398 - In the loins. - You think her loins were stirring? 56 00:03:01,571 --> 00:03:05,234 - Lf not frothing. - Frothing? Great. What should I do? 57 00:03:05,408 --> 00:03:10,903 We should make you into someone for whom Lana's loins get equally frothy. 58 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:14,072 And how exactly would we do that? 59 00:03:14,250 --> 00:03:16,480 She's obviously attracted to men of danger. 60 00:03:16,652 --> 00:03:17,744 - Like Archer. - Exactly. 61 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,980 - The perfect field agent. - Who better to train you to become one? 62 00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:23,148 Archer train me? To be a field agent? 63 00:03:23,326 --> 00:03:24,520 He's already been briefed. 64 00:03:24,694 --> 00:03:28,095 But only on the "what," mind you, not the "why." 65 00:03:28,264 --> 00:03:30,425 No sense telling him it's about Lana... 66 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,295 - Boy, wait till I tell her. - No. 67 00:03:32,468 --> 00:03:36,336 Cyril. Under no circumstance is Lana to know about our little... 68 00:03:36,505 --> 00:03:39,201 plan. - Right. I think. Oh. 69 00:03:39,375 --> 00:03:41,366 - But about plans: Health plan switchover? - Cyril. 70 00:03:41,544 --> 00:03:43,978 I'll take care of whatever that is. 71 00:03:44,146 --> 00:03:46,546 You just concentrate on your training. 72 00:03:46,716 --> 00:03:50,311 - And Archer's really okay with this? - Oh, not at all. 73 00:03:50,753 --> 00:03:53,517 Which is just gravy. 74 00:03:53,689 --> 00:03:56,817 No, I just let mother think that because I know what she's up to... 75 00:03:56,993 --> 00:03:58,893 vis-�-vis Cyril and Lana and me. 76 00:03:59,061 --> 00:04:01,461 And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons. 77 00:04:01,631 --> 00:04:03,997 Trust me, Mother's idea of horizon-broadening... 78 00:04:04,166 --> 00:04:05,463 is a lot of fights... 79 00:04:05,635 --> 00:04:08,195 walking home from a lot of jazz-tap lessons. 80 00:04:10,973 --> 00:04:13,203 I so enjoy our talks. You got them? 81 00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:16,234 They're loaded and ready to go? 82 00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:20,549 Seriously, Krieger, you are my Oprah. 83 00:04:20,716 --> 00:04:23,844 So obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but... 84 00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:25,317 But your mother is, so... 85 00:04:25,488 --> 00:04:26,887 But I wonder what Lana thinks? 86 00:04:27,056 --> 00:04:29,718 Oh, Lana's not need-to-know on this. 87 00:04:29,892 --> 00:04:32,656 Wow, "open purse, remove balls" huh? 88 00:04:32,828 --> 00:04:35,854 I'm sure it's not the first time you kept a secret from Lana. 89 00:04:36,032 --> 00:04:37,761 Uh... Hello. Herpes? 90 00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:39,868 - You gave Lana herpes? Ahem. 91 00:04:40,036 --> 00:04:41,560 - Hello, Cheryl. - It's Carol. 92 00:04:41,737 --> 00:04:42,999 What? Since when? 93 00:04:43,172 --> 00:04:46,198 Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol. 94 00:04:46,375 --> 00:04:48,036 Wow, that's... 95 00:04:48,210 --> 00:04:50,178 - Excuse us. - Ugh. 96 00:04:50,346 --> 00:04:52,541 Okay, now what is this herpes business? 97 00:04:52,715 --> 00:04:54,683 Sorry, bad joke. And a false alarm. 98 00:04:54,850 --> 00:04:57,717 - Lesson one, get used to that. - Should I be writing this down? 99 00:04:57,887 --> 00:05:01,050 No. Never leave a paper trail. That's lesson one. 100 00:05:01,223 --> 00:05:02,713 - So ditch this. - Hey, that's... 101 00:05:02,892 --> 00:05:05,360 Ow! Jesus. - My dead mom's pen. 102 00:05:05,528 --> 00:05:09,157 Cyril did that. This is what a real field agent uses. 103 00:05:09,332 --> 00:05:10,924 Huh. Point's a lot finer than I prefer. 104 00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,432 - That's because it's a hypodermic needle... - What? 105 00:05:13,602 --> 00:05:16,571 And the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called... 106 00:05:16,739 --> 00:05:18,570 Poizocaine. 107 00:05:18,741 --> 00:05:20,504 - Here. Keep it in here. - Uh... Hey, whoa. 108 00:05:20,676 --> 00:05:22,610 - Wait a minute. - But be careful. 109 00:05:22,778 --> 00:05:25,246 The cap slips off for, like, no reason. 110 00:05:26,949 --> 00:05:28,473 Beep, beep, beep. 111 00:05:28,651 --> 00:05:30,312 Oh, you giving me the truck noise... 112 00:05:30,486 --> 00:05:33,887 Karen Carpenter's stunt double? - I thought you were walking backwards. 113 00:05:34,056 --> 00:05:35,887 It's all the HSA switchover crap. 114 00:05:36,058 --> 00:05:39,289 I'm so over that lame flex account. When does the HSA start? 115 00:05:39,462 --> 00:05:41,794 When Cyril e-files these DD-14s. 116 00:05:41,964 --> 00:05:44,228 - Oh, Ms. Archer's taking care of those. - What? 117 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,891 Cyril's off somewhere with Mr. Archer. 118 00:05:47,069 --> 00:05:49,560 I'm sorry, Cyril's off what? With whom? 119 00:05:49,739 --> 00:05:51,764 I think "somewhere" was the "what" there. 120 00:05:51,941 --> 00:05:54,910 - "Mr. Archer" was the "whom." - Worlds collide, huh? 121 00:05:55,077 --> 00:05:56,977 Inevitable for a serial workplace-dater. 122 00:05:57,146 --> 00:06:00,775 - Oh. Yeah. Call the kettle black. - Ugh. 123 00:06:00,950 --> 00:06:04,477 Did she just race-card me, or are you totally just gay for her? 124 00:06:04,653 --> 00:06:09,147 I'm the Human Resources Director, Little Miss Hostile Work Environment. 125 00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:10,849 She is riddled with herpes. 126 00:06:11,027 --> 00:06:14,519 Hey. Inappropriate workplace topic. 127 00:06:14,697 --> 00:06:16,665 And also a dealbreaker. 128 00:06:16,832 --> 00:06:18,857 - Lesson one: Human intel... - Oh, shoot. 129 00:06:19,035 --> 00:06:21,299 - I forgot about the DD-14s. - Screw them. 130 00:06:21,470 --> 00:06:22,630 That's Mother's headache. 131 00:06:22,805 --> 00:06:25,706 You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic? 132 00:06:25,875 --> 00:06:29,208 - Jesus Jones, yes. - So when I asked for cucumber slices... 133 00:06:29,378 --> 00:06:31,642 which one of you idiots sent up zucchini? 134 00:06:31,814 --> 00:06:34,977 - That, well, that would be... - That would be Jane who did that. 135 00:06:35,151 --> 00:06:38,052 - Scatterbrain Jane? - I know, she's just a mess. 136 00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:40,381 - Because this is obviously zucchini. Oh. 137 00:06:40,556 --> 00:06:44,390 You'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich. 138 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,391 What's that supposed to mean? 139 00:06:47,530 --> 00:06:49,555 That is Pam, isn't it? 140 00:06:49,732 --> 00:06:52,223 Okay, so, human intelligence entails? 141 00:06:52,401 --> 00:06:55,996 Well, there's false flags, dead-drops, drop-outs, cut-outs... 142 00:06:56,172 --> 00:06:58,868 active doubles, passive doubles, dangled moles... 143 00:06:59,041 --> 00:07:01,373 the often under-appreciated honeypot? 144 00:07:01,544 --> 00:07:02,568 - Wow. - One of my favorites. 145 00:07:02,745 --> 00:07:06,146 - That sounds like a lot to cover. - Yeah, so we may have to gloss over... 146 00:07:06,315 --> 00:07:08,010 almost all of it, but... 147 00:07:08,184 --> 00:07:10,277 - Aah! - Weapon. 148 00:07:10,453 --> 00:07:11,579 Oh. 149 00:07:11,754 --> 00:07:12,982 - Oh, hey hon. - Hey back. 150 00:07:13,155 --> 00:07:14,349 - Hello. - What's... 151 00:07:14,523 --> 00:07:16,252 - What's this? - Well, see... 152 00:07:16,425 --> 00:07:17,483 here's the thing... 153 00:07:17,660 --> 00:07:21,096 Under no circumstance is Lana to know about our little... 154 00:07:21,263 --> 00:07:22,662 ... plan. 155 00:07:22,832 --> 00:07:24,094 - Here's what thing? - Okay. 156 00:07:24,266 --> 00:07:25,358 - Archer's DD-14. - Yeah. 157 00:07:25,534 --> 00:07:28,025 That we're on our way down to clear up with Jane. 158 00:07:28,204 --> 00:07:29,432 - Really? - Well... 159 00:07:29,605 --> 00:07:31,197 you know Scatterbrain Jane. Heh-heh. 160 00:07:31,373 --> 00:07:33,238 - You're cooking dinner later? - Yes, I am. 161 00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:34,671 - Yeah. - Yeah. 162 00:07:34,844 --> 00:07:36,778 Speargun? 163 00:07:37,113 --> 00:07:40,048 - Oh. I can't believe I just did that. - Yeah, dunce. 164 00:07:40,216 --> 00:07:41,547 Now Jane's a loose end. 165 00:07:42,384 --> 00:07:44,477 Hey, Jane. 166 00:07:44,653 --> 00:07:46,621 You getting a snack? 167 00:07:46,789 --> 00:07:49,690 Keep your story vague. That's lesson one. 168 00:07:49,859 --> 00:07:53,226 But, I mean, morality aside, how do you keep track of all these lies? 169 00:07:53,395 --> 00:07:58,389 Practice, Cyril. Lying is, like, 95 percent of what I do. 170 00:07:58,567 --> 00:07:59,727 - In your job. - Sure. 171 00:07:59,902 --> 00:08:02,166 It was pretty cool how you handled that speargun. 172 00:08:02,338 --> 00:08:04,898 - Yeah, it was pretty cool. - Will I get to learn karate? 173 00:08:05,074 --> 00:08:07,565 Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? 174 00:08:07,743 --> 00:08:10,405 - No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga. - Krav? 175 00:08:10,579 --> 00:08:12,843 We've got an ex-Mossad guy, he comes in Thursdays. 176 00:08:13,015 --> 00:08:16,314 - Neat. - Yeah. Tuesdays he does a spin class. 177 00:08:16,485 --> 00:08:19,648 - So will I need sweatpants? - Cyril. You need all new clothes. 178 00:08:19,822 --> 00:08:21,153 What's wrong with these? 179 00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:26,218 Sorry. 180 00:08:26,695 --> 00:08:28,356 Oh. 181 00:08:28,531 --> 00:08:30,499 I was laughing at your clothes. 182 00:08:33,269 --> 00:08:37,330 Wow, Archer, you were right. A tailored suit hangs so much better. 183 00:08:37,506 --> 00:08:39,599 That's because Woodhouse is a genius. 184 00:08:39,775 --> 00:08:42,767 Like so many other geniuses, unappreciated in his life... 185 00:08:42,945 --> 00:08:44,435 Shut up and hem, you old fruit. 186 00:08:44,613 --> 00:08:48,447 - Speaking of fruit, sir. - Oh, sorry. Heh-heh. 187 00:08:48,617 --> 00:08:51,381 - Cyril, check this out. Watch yourself. 188 00:08:52,087 --> 00:08:54,681 - Really? - Don't make it weird. It's your friend. 189 00:08:54,857 --> 00:08:57,087 - And so's this baby. Jeezy Petes. 190 00:08:57,259 --> 00:08:58,886 It's a Chekhov. Russian-made. 191 00:08:59,061 --> 00:09:01,962 - .25 caliber. - When would you use an underwear-gun? 192 00:09:02,131 --> 00:09:04,258 Hopefully never. But say you're... 193 00:09:04,433 --> 00:09:06,958 in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kind of high. 194 00:09:07,136 --> 00:09:09,366 An exotic woman on the bed... 195 00:09:09,538 --> 00:09:12,598 now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for? 196 00:09:12,775 --> 00:09:14,902 - Or is she an assassin? - I don't know. I... 197 00:09:16,278 --> 00:09:18,269 Here's room service. Who ordered champagne? 198 00:09:18,447 --> 00:09:19,778 How should I know. Exactly. 199 00:09:19,949 --> 00:09:21,280 You're baked, can't remember. 200 00:09:21,450 --> 00:09:24,214 Since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys... 201 00:09:24,386 --> 00:09:26,786 to deliver one bottle of champagne? Oh. 202 00:09:26,956 --> 00:09:29,117 - Because they're assassins too. - Or... 203 00:09:29,291 --> 00:09:32,158 Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him... 204 00:09:32,328 --> 00:09:35,855 and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC. 205 00:09:36,031 --> 00:09:37,623 Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen. 206 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,360 Point is, you come out of the john waving this around... 207 00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:42,629 nobody's gonna bug you for a tip. Here. 208 00:09:42,805 --> 00:09:45,171 - It's a gift. - Thanks, wow, that's slippery. 209 00:09:45,341 --> 00:09:48,936 And the safety's off so be careful, it could go off for, like... 210 00:09:49,111 --> 00:09:50,169 no reason. 211 00:09:50,346 --> 00:09:52,143 Now what're these pills? 212 00:09:52,314 --> 00:09:55,044 Oh, just antihistamines mostly. 213 00:09:55,217 --> 00:09:59,176 You just rest, Ms. Archer. We'll take care of these DD-14s for you. 214 00:09:59,355 --> 00:10:02,222 Damn right you will. Idiot. 215 00:10:02,391 --> 00:10:04,018 Pam, look at this. 216 00:10:04,193 --> 00:10:06,821 - Holy shitsnacks. - We have snacks? 217 00:10:06,996 --> 00:10:08,725 Everybody's personal medical records. 218 00:10:08,897 --> 00:10:11,331 - No, we can't be looking at this. Are there snacks? 219 00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:12,728 It's totally confidential. 220 00:10:12,901 --> 00:10:14,630 It totally should be. Look at this. 221 00:10:14,803 --> 00:10:15,827 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 222 00:10:16,005 --> 00:10:19,566 Cyril tried to get his plan to cover a penis ensmallment? 223 00:10:19,742 --> 00:10:23,269 - Who'd have thunk it? - I bet Agent Kane thunks it plenty. 224 00:10:23,445 --> 00:10:24,742 - You bet she does what? - Oh! 225 00:10:24,913 --> 00:10:26,210 I bet she, uh... Oh. 226 00:10:26,382 --> 00:10:28,350 - I got nothing. - That's what I thought. 227 00:10:28,517 --> 00:10:30,246 - You seen Cyril? Is that Lana? 228 00:10:30,419 --> 00:10:31,977 Wow. What happened to you? 229 00:10:32,154 --> 00:10:35,351 Scatterbrain Jane, but let me just tell you, okay? 230 00:10:35,524 --> 00:10:37,822 You should be thankful you have Cyril. 231 00:10:37,993 --> 00:10:39,688 - Well... - For about 12 reasons. 232 00:10:39,862 --> 00:10:41,227 Well, thank you, Malory. 233 00:10:41,397 --> 00:10:43,422 But if you don't mind, I'd prefer to keep... 234 00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:47,126 my personal affairs out of the office. - Oh, please. 235 00:10:47,303 --> 00:10:49,965 She's had more pens in that company ink than... 236 00:10:50,139 --> 00:10:52,369 a pen store. And yet... 237 00:10:53,542 --> 00:10:54,770 does not have herpes. 238 00:10:54,943 --> 00:10:58,902 - Dealunbreaker. - Ugh. 239 00:10:59,081 --> 00:11:01,641 What's the matter, baby? Afraid you'll catch something? 240 00:11:01,817 --> 00:11:05,218 No, it's not that. I've just never been this close to a... 241 00:11:05,387 --> 00:11:07,412 Call girl. It's not an insult, Cyril. 242 00:11:07,589 --> 00:11:09,386 Trinette takes pride in her work. 243 00:11:09,558 --> 00:11:10,650 - I really do. - Okay. 244 00:11:10,826 --> 00:11:12,225 - So come on budge in. - Uhn. 245 00:11:12,394 --> 00:11:15,090 - Gosh, yeah. - Now that's not so bad, is it? 246 00:11:15,264 --> 00:11:17,391 - Ha-ha-ha. - No. That feels pretty good. 247 00:11:17,566 --> 00:11:20,558 - I can tell. You are gifted. - Okay. 248 00:11:20,736 --> 00:11:23,068 - God, it's just his gun, Trinette. Sorry. 249 00:11:23,238 --> 00:11:24,830 Bet this seems pretty weird. 250 00:11:25,007 --> 00:11:27,475 Oh, please. The sick shit I've done in this apartment? 251 00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:29,702 - Okay. - And that wasn't all gun, neither. 252 00:11:29,878 --> 00:11:30,970 Ha-ha. No, ma'am. 253 00:11:31,146 --> 00:11:34,673 Hey, can you two focus? Please? Woodhouse. Are you ready, or what? 254 00:11:34,850 --> 00:11:38,684 Yes, quite ready sir. Though not entirely willing. 255 00:11:38,854 --> 00:11:42,085 - Yeah, and I don't know if I am, either... - Could have fooled me. 256 00:11:42,257 --> 00:11:43,281 Hey. - Oh, Trinette. 257 00:11:43,459 --> 00:11:45,290 It's perfectly safe. You're tangoing... 258 00:11:45,461 --> 00:11:48,692 then your trained field agent eyes spot two threats. 259 00:11:48,864 --> 00:11:51,298 But they're not trained. We haven't done this yet. 260 00:11:51,467 --> 00:11:53,264 This is how you train them. So. 261 00:11:53,435 --> 00:11:56,063 - You spot your first threat. Woodhouse. - Ooh. Hoo. 262 00:11:56,238 --> 00:11:57,637 - My knees aren't... - Bam, bam, bam. 263 00:11:58,006 --> 00:12:01,032 You put him down. But just shoot the pad, not Woodhouse. 264 00:12:01,210 --> 00:12:02,871 - Like, actually shoot the gun? Then. 265 00:12:03,045 --> 00:12:05,309 How else are you gonna learn? Okay, he's down... 266 00:12:05,481 --> 00:12:07,745 just the pad. Then you see the second threat. 267 00:12:07,916 --> 00:12:10,384 Oh, no, you're out of ammo. What are you gonna do? 268 00:12:10,552 --> 00:12:12,213 Oh, that's where the turn comes in? 269 00:12:12,388 --> 00:12:13,980 Duh. Woodhouse. Get in position. 270 00:12:14,156 --> 00:12:15,953 I really need a better health plan. 271 00:12:16,125 --> 00:12:20,186 Shut up. Weapon is hot and live fire exercise... 272 00:12:20,362 --> 00:12:22,853 in five, six, seven, eight. 273 00:12:23,732 --> 00:12:27,634 Tango, tango, tango. Scan the ballroom of the Cuban embassy... 274 00:12:27,803 --> 00:12:29,862 for the agent you're supposed to meet. 275 00:12:30,038 --> 00:12:32,871 You're just some Canadian dude down here on business... 276 00:12:33,041 --> 00:12:35,475 and threat. Woodhouse. - Yes. 277 00:12:35,644 --> 00:12:37,202 - Cyril. Shoot. - Oh, oh. 278 00:12:37,379 --> 00:12:39,813 - Aah! - Shoot, bitch. Democracy's at stake. 279 00:12:39,982 --> 00:12:42,951 - Oh! Take that, forces of evil. - Heh. Ooh. 280 00:12:43,385 --> 00:12:45,580 - Whoa. - Way to go, baby. You hit it. 281 00:12:45,754 --> 00:12:48,052 Yeah. I did, didn't I? 282 00:12:48,223 --> 00:12:50,054 - Second threat. - Oh. Right, I forgot about... 283 00:12:50,225 --> 00:12:51,715 - Second threat. Jesus. 284 00:12:52,227 --> 00:12:54,889 - Ow! Christ on sale. Jesus. 285 00:12:55,063 --> 00:12:57,190 Yeah, Cyril. That was totally ninja. 286 00:12:57,366 --> 00:13:00,233 No, Archer. That was totally uncool. 287 00:13:00,402 --> 00:13:01,892 Sorry, Trinette, did that hurt? 288 00:13:02,070 --> 00:13:04,903 Yeah, it fricking hurt, idiot. It's ice. 289 00:13:05,073 --> 00:13:08,406 - Okay, we'll use grapes. - We've only lingonberries, sir. 290 00:13:08,577 --> 00:13:10,238 Ballistically similar to grapes? 291 00:13:10,412 --> 00:13:13,870 Screw your grapes and screw your whatever-berries, I am out of here. 292 00:13:14,049 --> 00:13:16,517 - No, wait. Trinette, please, l... - Spying ass bastards. 293 00:13:16,685 --> 00:13:19,245 - Please my fat Irish ass. Ow! - Ooh. 294 00:13:19,421 --> 00:13:21,252 What the hell's in your freaking pocket? 295 00:13:21,423 --> 00:13:22,754 Um... 296 00:13:23,192 --> 00:13:24,921 - Ha. - Oh. Oh. 297 00:13:25,093 --> 00:13:27,027 I don't feel so good. 298 00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:30,129 Me neither. 299 00:13:30,299 --> 00:13:33,063 And voicemail again. Huh. 300 00:13:33,235 --> 00:13:37,262 So, it's me. Duh. And did you say you'd cook, or did I mishear that? 301 00:13:37,439 --> 00:13:41,136 I know I misheard you about Jane, because turns out, I ran into her. 302 00:13:42,044 --> 00:13:44,274 Hey, Jane. 303 00:13:44,446 --> 00:13:46,607 You getting a tampon? 304 00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:47,976 Yeah. Loose end. 305 00:13:48,150 --> 00:13:50,414 But I'm sure you had a good reason to lie to me... 306 00:13:50,586 --> 00:13:52,850 so can't wait to hear what it was. 307 00:13:53,121 --> 00:13:56,284 - Oh, my God, you killed a hooker. - Call girl. 308 00:13:56,458 --> 00:13:57,550 - She was a... - No, Cyril. 309 00:13:57,726 --> 00:13:59,626 When they're dead they're just hookers. 310 00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:03,162 God, I said the cap slips off the poison pen for no reason. 311 00:14:03,332 --> 00:14:04,959 I know, but I just assumed... 312 00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:06,725 that if anything bad happened... 313 00:14:06,902 --> 00:14:11,566 No. Do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril. That, sir, is a facile argument. 314 00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:13,765 And also woefully esoteric. 315 00:14:13,942 --> 00:14:15,671 - Woodhouse. - Fetching a rug, sir. 316 00:14:15,844 --> 00:14:18,472 Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril? 317 00:14:18,647 --> 00:14:20,478 No. No, I'm not happy. 318 00:14:20,649 --> 00:14:22,446 Well, guess what. Me neither. 319 00:14:22,618 --> 00:14:26,281 I mean, big picture, I wouldn't say I'm a happy person. 320 00:14:26,455 --> 00:14:28,650 Sir. I have fetched the rug. 321 00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:30,621 Plus now I'm out a rug. 322 00:14:33,128 --> 00:14:36,256 Oh, God. I should never have agreed to this. 323 00:14:36,431 --> 00:14:39,696 You and your stupid mother and her stupid frothing loins. 324 00:14:39,868 --> 00:14:44,430 Hey. I know you're upset, but if you ever mention my mother's loins... 325 00:14:44,606 --> 00:14:46,665 or their frothiness, to me again... 326 00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:50,710 I don't know what I'll do, but it will be bad. 327 00:14:52,047 --> 00:14:54,811 Now let's go bury this dead hooker. 328 00:14:56,385 --> 00:14:58,376 Shirt tails. We need a password. 329 00:14:58,554 --> 00:14:59,919 - Hang on a second. Ha-ha-ha. 330 00:15:00,088 --> 00:15:01,282 How you doing, Ms. Archer? 331 00:15:01,456 --> 00:15:02,889 I am good. 332 00:15:03,058 --> 00:15:05,652 - Okay, try... Okay, try "guest." Real good. 333 00:15:05,827 --> 00:15:08,660 Well, that's just idi... Oh, my God. 334 00:15:08,830 --> 00:15:13,164 I know, right? So here let's make the co-pay zero, and the deductible... 335 00:15:13,335 --> 00:15:15,326 - Super high, right? - No, low. 336 00:15:15,504 --> 00:15:17,404 You want the lowest deductible. 337 00:15:17,573 --> 00:15:19,905 But don't you deduct it on your taxes or something? 338 00:15:20,075 --> 00:15:21,372 - Wow. - So you want more? 339 00:15:21,543 --> 00:15:23,170 And people think Jane's stupid. 340 00:15:23,345 --> 00:15:25,905 Speaking of, it's probably better... 341 00:15:26,081 --> 00:15:28,675 if Jane was the last one to log in. 342 00:15:28,850 --> 00:15:31,546 You are a bitch. 343 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,085 I am not. What? 344 00:15:33,255 --> 00:15:37,021 Because I don't want Sterling to end up with a woman like Lana Kane? 345 00:15:37,192 --> 00:15:39,251 My God, a black... 346 00:15:39,428 --> 00:15:41,521 ops field agent? 347 00:15:41,697 --> 00:15:44,723 Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that. 348 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:47,334 Because let me tell you, I was black ops. 349 00:15:47,502 --> 00:15:52,098 And that does not for a young boy a very merry Christmas make. 350 00:15:52,274 --> 00:15:55,437 Ajax a success, Teheran is ours, stop. 351 00:15:55,611 --> 00:15:59,069 Merry X-mas from Mommy and Uncle Kermit, stop. 352 00:15:59,247 --> 00:16:02,580 Also, be nicer to Woodhouse, stop. 353 00:16:02,751 --> 00:16:06,209 - You made up the last part, didn't you? - I did, sir. 354 00:16:06,488 --> 00:16:07,512 Douche. 355 00:16:07,689 --> 00:16:09,680 - Oh, my God. - I know, right? 356 00:16:09,858 --> 00:16:12,918 This is the most kickass health plan ever. 357 00:16:13,095 --> 00:16:15,359 And I think I just had a flashback, so... 358 00:16:15,530 --> 00:16:18,727 these antihistamines are insane. 359 00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:22,802 Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker. 360 00:16:22,971 --> 00:16:25,030 By accident. We could explain. 361 00:16:25,207 --> 00:16:27,368 To who, Cyril? The cops? Lana? 362 00:16:27,542 --> 00:16:30,375 She'd never forgive me. Archer, my life is ruined. 363 00:16:30,545 --> 00:16:32,172 And all because Mother cooked up... 364 00:16:32,347 --> 00:16:34,178 this stupid plan... - But I just... 365 00:16:34,349 --> 00:16:37,409 to make you an agent just to impress Lana. Ironic, isn't it? 366 00:16:37,586 --> 00:16:39,451 I'm not sure that's technically irony. 367 00:16:39,621 --> 00:16:43,853 What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby... 368 00:16:44,026 --> 00:16:46,551 and named it this exact situation. 369 00:16:46,728 --> 00:16:47,854 - No, it's... - Yes, it is. 370 00:16:48,030 --> 00:16:51,727 Because a man like you, Cyril, doesn't deserve a woman like Lana. 371 00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:53,026 You... 372 00:16:53,201 --> 00:16:58,070 You butthole. You set this all up, just to drive me and Lana apart. 373 00:16:59,274 --> 00:17:01,174 - Well? - Screw you, Archer. 374 00:17:01,343 --> 00:17:03,868 Hey. Hostile work environment. 375 00:17:04,046 --> 00:17:07,379 Exactly. And I'm gonna file a hostile work environment lawsuit... 376 00:17:07,549 --> 00:17:10,245 against you, and your mother, and ISIS, and... 377 00:17:10,719 --> 00:17:12,414 What? Who the hell is that? 378 00:17:12,587 --> 00:17:14,987 - Your confederates in Operation Butthole. - Cyril. 379 00:17:15,157 --> 00:17:17,421 - Those aren't my confederates. - Well, nice try... 380 00:17:17,592 --> 00:17:19,253 but Cyril Figgis ain't buying it. 381 00:17:19,428 --> 00:17:21,953 - You hear that? I ain't buying it. - Cyril. 382 00:17:22,564 --> 00:17:24,498 Oh, my God. How about now, Cyril? 383 00:17:24,666 --> 00:17:26,634 Are you feeling ready to buy? 384 00:17:29,171 --> 00:17:30,661 To Scatterbrain Jane. 385 00:17:30,839 --> 00:17:33,103 And to plan-covered elective surgery. 386 00:17:33,275 --> 00:17:36,108 And the boob job. That you so need. 387 00:17:36,278 --> 00:17:38,838 And the ass-reduction you so need. 388 00:17:39,014 --> 00:17:40,572 And the skinny-bitch-ectomy you need. 389 00:17:41,950 --> 00:17:44,180 - Oh, my God, did you hear that? - What do you think it is? 390 00:17:44,352 --> 00:17:46,217 Immigrants. That's how they do, you know? 391 00:17:46,388 --> 00:17:50,381 Just drive around, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs. 392 00:17:51,793 --> 00:17:53,920 - Then who are those guys? - How should I know? 393 00:17:54,096 --> 00:17:58,362 KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path, this guy I know named Popeye? 394 00:17:58,533 --> 00:17:59,625 I have enemies, okay? 395 00:17:59,801 --> 00:18:01,792 - That's because no one likes you. - What? 396 00:18:01,970 --> 00:18:03,699 Seriously, do you not sense that? 397 00:18:03,872 --> 00:18:06,466 I am a product of my upbringing, Cyril. 398 00:18:06,641 --> 00:18:08,040 Well, I was a single mother. 399 00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:11,543 And it's a big dangerous world out there. 400 00:18:11,980 --> 00:18:14,039 Are you idiots still even here? 401 00:18:14,216 --> 00:18:15,843 So why aren't you better at this? 402 00:18:16,017 --> 00:18:19,384 I am the best at this, Rain Man, okay? I'm like... 403 00:18:19,554 --> 00:18:21,181 Who? James Bond? 404 00:18:21,356 --> 00:18:23,483 Well, I don't like to invite that comparison. 405 00:18:23,658 --> 00:18:25,819 - But yeah, basically. - So do something. 406 00:18:25,994 --> 00:18:29,395 I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see? 407 00:18:29,564 --> 00:18:32,089 - I'm driving the car. - I could drive better than that. 408 00:18:32,267 --> 00:18:34,235 So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting. 409 00:18:34,402 --> 00:18:36,267 - No, you are not. - Yes, I am totally am. 410 00:18:36,438 --> 00:18:37,905 - Stop it. No. - No. 411 00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:41,338 - Grenades in the glove box. - Drive me and the hooker to safety or... 412 00:18:41,510 --> 00:18:42,977 Excuse me. - Lana? 413 00:18:43,145 --> 00:18:45,613 Yeah, I'm looking for two guys. 414 00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:48,113 They're on their way to the morgue? 415 00:18:50,919 --> 00:18:52,819 - Great. - Archer, what am I gonna tell her? 416 00:18:52,988 --> 00:18:55,821 Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth. 417 00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:58,889 I don't care if you have 50 dead hookers in the trunk... 418 00:18:59,060 --> 00:19:00,391 you lied to me. 419 00:19:00,562 --> 00:19:02,052 Did not learn anything. 420 00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:05,290 - Well, you shot a machine gun at me. - Around you. 421 00:19:05,467 --> 00:19:07,230 - Because my feelings were hurt. - Well... 422 00:19:07,402 --> 00:19:08,960 Why on earth would you lie to me? 423 00:19:09,137 --> 00:19:11,037 I just wanted to show you I could be... 424 00:19:11,206 --> 00:19:13,572 a supercool ISIS field agent like Archer, but... 425 00:19:13,742 --> 00:19:16,302 But baby, don't you know I... 426 00:19:16,478 --> 00:19:18,605 like you so much... 427 00:19:18,780 --> 00:19:21,271 because you're exactly the opposite of Archer? 428 00:19:21,449 --> 00:19:24,384 - Well, yeah, but... - Not to mention your other qualities. 429 00:19:24,553 --> 00:19:27,545 Oh, you are such a naughty Nelly. 430 00:19:27,722 --> 00:19:31,590 - He just gets a pass? Like Milton Berle? Yep. 431 00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:34,785 Hey, so how did you know where I was? 432 00:19:35,197 --> 00:19:36,892 When we first started going out... 433 00:19:37,065 --> 00:19:40,057 I may have injected a tracking device into your body. 434 00:19:40,235 --> 00:19:42,863 In my body? No, no. Now, that is a breach of trust, Lana. 435 00:19:43,038 --> 00:19:45,973 Do you really wanna open this can of trust-breachy worms... 436 00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:50,510 right after I caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a hooker in the trunk? 437 00:19:51,213 --> 00:19:52,578 - I do not. - You do not. 438 00:19:52,747 --> 00:19:56,649 Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic? 439 00:19:57,252 --> 00:20:01,245 You know what? I don't have a "one to some other number of douchebags" scale. 440 00:20:01,423 --> 00:20:04,688 So, six? Oh, my God, Trinette. 441 00:20:04,860 --> 00:20:07,351 Yeah, Trinette, you shitass. 442 00:20:07,529 --> 00:20:09,588 - So you know you have to be punished. - Yes. 443 00:20:09,764 --> 00:20:11,823 You're gonna walk into our video store... 444 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,467 With the sweet old Korean lady. 445 00:20:13,635 --> 00:20:17,833 - And buy the nastiest, barebackinest, hard dickinest, ball splapiest... 446 00:20:18,006 --> 00:20:20,167 interracial porno in there. 447 00:20:20,342 --> 00:20:21,934 From the sweet old Korean lady? 448 00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:24,271 Yep. How you feel about that? 449 00:20:24,446 --> 00:20:28,007 - Like I got off pretty easy. - Night ain't over yet. 450 00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:30,208 - Throw me in a trunk? - Not part of the plan. 451 00:20:30,385 --> 00:20:32,410 Inject me with some crazy spy poison? 452 00:20:32,587 --> 00:20:34,987 - It was just a harmless tranquilizer. - You shitass. 453 00:20:35,156 --> 00:20:38,353 I mean, let's be honest, I doubt that's the first needle you ever... 454 00:20:38,526 --> 00:20:41,051 - Ow! - I never. Give me your wallet. 455 00:20:41,229 --> 00:20:42,321 I already paid you. 456 00:20:42,497 --> 00:20:46,228 File a customer service complaint. I'm sure Popeye'd love to hear it. 457 00:20:46,401 --> 00:20:48,835 Hey, come on, you wouldn't tell Popeye. 458 00:20:49,004 --> 00:20:50,369 Oh, watch me. 459 00:20:50,538 --> 00:20:53,166 - Oh. Give me your watch. - You know how much this thing costs? 460 00:20:53,341 --> 00:20:55,241 Probably less than a new set of kneecaps. 461 00:20:55,410 --> 00:20:58,470 - There. Happy? - Almost. 462 00:21:00,882 --> 00:21:03,874 You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this. 463 00:21:04,052 --> 00:21:07,351 But l... Oh, shit, my rug. 36785

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