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1
00:00:03,526 --> 00:00:05,619
Malory Archer. Ho.
2
00:00:05,795 --> 00:00:08,457
You get more beautiful
every time I see you.
3
00:00:08,631 --> 00:00:10,622
- Oh-ho-ho, Gussy.
- Minx.
4
00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:14,236
You'll be the death of me yet.
But if I die...
5
00:00:14,404 --> 00:00:17,567
let it be with the name of this
dusky jewel upon my lips.
6
00:00:17,740 --> 00:00:20,709
Lord Feltchley,
may I present Miss Lana Kane?
7
00:00:20,877 --> 00:00:22,970
Yes, you bloody well may.
8
00:00:23,146 --> 00:00:24,909
So nice to, uh... Wow.
9
00:00:25,081 --> 00:00:27,606
Okay, that's kidskin
you're slobbering on, so...
10
00:00:27,784 --> 00:00:28,944
Okay.
11
00:00:29,118 --> 00:00:32,281
Wouldn't want to offend
that boyfriend of yours, eh, wot?
12
00:00:32,455 --> 00:00:34,480
No offense taken, Your Lordship.
13
00:00:34,657 --> 00:00:36,591
Glad to hear it. Whoever you are.
14
00:00:36,759 --> 00:00:38,693
Cyril Figgis, ISIS Comptroller.
15
00:00:38,861 --> 00:00:40,158
- And also my...
- Boyfriend.
16
00:00:40,329 --> 00:00:41,819
- Person I'm dating.
- No, he isn't.
17
00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:43,022
- We date.
- No, you don't.
18
00:00:43,199 --> 00:00:44,826
- Ha.
- No, no, no.
19
00:00:45,001 --> 00:00:48,493
Your man's a rakish chap.
Air of mystery, chiseled good looks?
20
00:00:48,671 --> 00:00:51,469
- Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex?
- Oh.
21
00:00:51,641 --> 00:00:53,939
- Archer.
- Archer, exactly just.
22
00:00:54,110 --> 00:00:57,546
And if memory serves,
not only handsome, but also...
23
00:00:57,714 --> 00:00:59,079
A secret agent.
24
00:01:00,450 --> 00:01:03,817
That's what I am.
And I shouldn't even be saying that...
25
00:01:03,986 --> 00:01:07,251
but you have a certain
thickness about you...
26
00:01:07,423 --> 00:01:08,947
that I very find appealing...
27
00:01:09,125 --> 00:01:11,355
I find
your drunkenness very unappealing...
28
00:01:11,527 --> 00:01:13,620
I am drunk
or I wouldn't be talking to you.
29
00:01:13,796 --> 00:01:17,323
- So if you'll please excuse me.
- Hey, come on. Don't be like that.
30
00:01:18,668 --> 00:01:20,431
- Whoops.
- Sterling, look out.
31
00:01:20,603 --> 00:01:23,663
Feltchley, you dirty Sassenach.
32
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:28,243
Free Irishmen will never bow down
before the English crown.
33
00:01:32,482 --> 00:01:34,040
Oh l� l�, Sterling Archer.
34
00:01:34,217 --> 00:01:35,514
That was totally ninja.
35
00:01:37,086 --> 00:01:38,747
Yeah, if you're...
36
00:01:38,921 --> 00:01:40,650
into that. Hmm?
- Lana?
37
00:01:40,823 --> 00:01:43,053
- Hon? Hello?
- Huh? Hey.
38
00:01:44,193 --> 00:01:46,855
- What's up, buddy?
- Ugh. Nothing.
39
00:01:47,029 --> 00:01:48,587
Oh, dear.
40
00:01:48,765 --> 00:01:51,700
Good show, Archer.
Really saved my bacon there.
41
00:01:51,868 --> 00:01:55,099
Hey, come on. You know I'd never
let anything happen to your bacon.
42
00:01:55,271 --> 00:01:58,331
- I love you, Santa Claus.
- What?
43
00:01:59,509 --> 00:02:00,533
I do.
44
00:02:32,608 --> 00:02:34,473
Cyril, we've got big problems.
45
00:02:34,644 --> 00:02:36,111
Well, it may seem
daunting now...
46
00:02:36,279 --> 00:02:39,646
but in the long run the HSA
makes a lot more sense than flex accounts.
47
00:02:39,816 --> 00:02:41,716
I don't mean the health plan.
48
00:02:41,884 --> 00:02:44,580
Unless it covers
Wandering Eye Syndrome.
49
00:02:44,754 --> 00:02:47,314
That depends on if that's a real thing.
50
00:02:47,490 --> 00:02:50,254
Oh, it's very real. And Lana has it.
51
00:02:50,426 --> 00:02:51,859
- Wait, what?
- Cyril, I know...
52
00:02:52,028 --> 00:02:54,428
you saw how she looked
at Sterling last night.
53
00:02:54,597 --> 00:02:56,428
Well, I think she was
just shaken up...
54
00:02:56,599 --> 00:02:58,032
Stirred up, Cyril.
55
00:02:58,201 --> 00:03:01,398
- In the loins.
- You think her loins were stirring?
56
00:03:01,571 --> 00:03:05,234
- Lf not frothing.
- Frothing? Great. What should I do?
57
00:03:05,408 --> 00:03:10,903
We should make you into someone for
whom Lana's loins get equally frothy.
58
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:14,072
And how exactly would we do that?
59
00:03:14,250 --> 00:03:16,480
She's obviously attracted
to men of danger.
60
00:03:16,652 --> 00:03:17,744
- Like Archer.
- Exactly.
61
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,980
- The perfect field agent.
- Who better to train you to become one?
62
00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:23,148
Archer train me? To be a field agent?
63
00:03:23,326 --> 00:03:24,520
He's already been briefed.
64
00:03:24,694 --> 00:03:28,095
But only on the "what,"
mind you, not the "why."
65
00:03:28,264 --> 00:03:30,425
No sense telling him it's about Lana...
66
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,295
- Boy, wait till I tell her.
- No.
67
00:03:32,468 --> 00:03:36,336
Cyril. Under no circumstance
is Lana to know about our little...
68
00:03:36,505 --> 00:03:39,201
plan.
- Right. I think. Oh.
69
00:03:39,375 --> 00:03:41,366
- But about plans: Health plan switchover?
- Cyril.
70
00:03:41,544 --> 00:03:43,978
I'll take care of whatever that is.
71
00:03:44,146 --> 00:03:46,546
You just concentrate on your training.
72
00:03:46,716 --> 00:03:50,311
- And Archer's really okay with this?
- Oh, not at all.
73
00:03:50,753 --> 00:03:53,517
Which is just gravy.
74
00:03:53,689 --> 00:03:56,817
No, I just let mother think that
because I know what she's up to...
75
00:03:56,993 --> 00:03:58,893
vis-�-vis Cyril and Lana and me.
76
00:03:59,061 --> 00:04:01,461
And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons.
77
00:04:01,631 --> 00:04:03,997
Trust me, Mother's idea
of horizon-broadening...
78
00:04:04,166 --> 00:04:05,463
is a lot of fights...
79
00:04:05,635 --> 00:04:08,195
walking home from a lot
of jazz-tap lessons.
80
00:04:10,973 --> 00:04:13,203
I so enjoy our talks. You got them?
81
00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:16,234
They're loaded and ready to go?
82
00:04:17,580 --> 00:04:20,549
Seriously, Krieger, you are my Oprah.
83
00:04:20,716 --> 00:04:23,844
So obviously I'm not happy
about this whole arrangement, but...
84
00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:25,317
But your mother is, so...
85
00:04:25,488 --> 00:04:26,887
But I wonder what Lana thinks?
86
00:04:27,056 --> 00:04:29,718
Oh, Lana's not need-to-know on this.
87
00:04:29,892 --> 00:04:32,656
Wow, "open purse, remove balls" huh?
88
00:04:32,828 --> 00:04:35,854
I'm sure it's not the first time
you kept a secret from Lana.
89
00:04:36,032 --> 00:04:37,761
Uh... Hello. Herpes?
90
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:39,868
- You gave Lana herpes?
Ahem.
91
00:04:40,036 --> 00:04:41,560
- Hello, Cheryl.
- It's Carol.
92
00:04:41,737 --> 00:04:42,999
What? Since when?
93
00:04:43,172 --> 00:04:46,198
Since I had it legally changed
because you always call me Carol.
94
00:04:46,375 --> 00:04:48,036
Wow, that's...
95
00:04:48,210 --> 00:04:50,178
- Excuse us.
- Ugh.
96
00:04:50,346 --> 00:04:52,541
Okay, now what is this herpes business?
97
00:04:52,715 --> 00:04:54,683
Sorry, bad joke. And a false alarm.
98
00:04:54,850 --> 00:04:57,717
- Lesson one, get used to that.
- Should I be writing this down?
99
00:04:57,887 --> 00:05:01,050
No. Never leave a paper trail.
That's lesson one.
100
00:05:01,223 --> 00:05:02,713
- So ditch this.
- Hey, that's...
101
00:05:02,892 --> 00:05:05,360
Ow! Jesus.
- My dead mom's pen.
102
00:05:05,528 --> 00:05:09,157
Cyril did that.
This is what a real field agent uses.
103
00:05:09,332 --> 00:05:10,924
Huh. Point's a lot finer than I prefer.
104
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,432
- That's because it's a hypodermic needle...
- What?
105
00:05:13,602 --> 00:05:16,571
And the cartridge is full
of a deadly super-toxin called...
106
00:05:16,739 --> 00:05:18,570
Poizocaine.
107
00:05:18,741 --> 00:05:20,504
- Here. Keep it in here.
- Uh... Hey, whoa.
108
00:05:20,676 --> 00:05:22,610
- Wait a minute.
- But be careful.
109
00:05:22,778 --> 00:05:25,246
The cap slips off for, like, no reason.
110
00:05:26,949 --> 00:05:28,473
Beep, beep, beep.
111
00:05:28,651 --> 00:05:30,312
Oh, you giving me the truck noise...
112
00:05:30,486 --> 00:05:33,887
Karen Carpenter's stunt double?
- I thought you were walking backwards.
113
00:05:34,056 --> 00:05:35,887
It's all the HSA switchover crap.
114
00:05:36,058 --> 00:05:39,289
I'm so over that lame flex account.
When does the HSA start?
115
00:05:39,462 --> 00:05:41,794
When Cyril e-files these DD-14s.
116
00:05:41,964 --> 00:05:44,228
- Oh, Ms. Archer's taking care of those.
- What?
117
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,891
Cyril's off somewhere with Mr. Archer.
118
00:05:47,069 --> 00:05:49,560
I'm sorry, Cyril's off what?
With whom?
119
00:05:49,739 --> 00:05:51,764
I think "somewhere"
was the "what" there.
120
00:05:51,941 --> 00:05:54,910
- "Mr. Archer" was the "whom."
- Worlds collide, huh?
121
00:05:55,077 --> 00:05:56,977
Inevitable for a serial workplace-dater.
122
00:05:57,146 --> 00:06:00,775
- Oh. Yeah. Call the kettle black.
- Ugh.
123
00:06:00,950 --> 00:06:04,477
Did she just race-card me,
or are you totally just gay for her?
124
00:06:04,653 --> 00:06:09,147
I'm the Human Resources Director,
Little Miss Hostile Work Environment.
125
00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:10,849
She is riddled with herpes.
126
00:06:11,027 --> 00:06:14,519
Hey.
Inappropriate workplace topic.
127
00:06:14,697 --> 00:06:16,665
And also a dealbreaker.
128
00:06:16,832 --> 00:06:18,857
- Lesson one: Human intel...
- Oh, shoot.
129
00:06:19,035 --> 00:06:21,299
- I forgot about the DD-14s.
- Screw them.
130
00:06:21,470 --> 00:06:22,630
That's Mother's headache.
131
00:06:22,805 --> 00:06:25,706
You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic?
132
00:06:25,875 --> 00:06:29,208
- Jesus Jones, yes.
- So when I asked for cucumber slices...
133
00:06:29,378 --> 00:06:31,642
which one of you idiots
sent up zucchini?
134
00:06:31,814 --> 00:06:34,977
- That, well, that would be...
- That would be Jane who did that.
135
00:06:35,151 --> 00:06:38,052
- Scatterbrain Jane?
- I know, she's just a mess.
136
00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:40,381
- Because this is obviously zucchini.
Oh.
137
00:06:40,556 --> 00:06:44,390
You'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't
wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.
138
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,391
What's that supposed to mean?
139
00:06:47,530 --> 00:06:49,555
That is Pam, isn't it?
140
00:06:49,732 --> 00:06:52,223
Okay, so, human intelligence entails?
141
00:06:52,401 --> 00:06:55,996
Well, there's false flags,
dead-drops, drop-outs, cut-outs...
142
00:06:56,172 --> 00:06:58,868
active doubles, passive doubles,
dangled moles...
143
00:06:59,041 --> 00:07:01,373
the often under-appreciated honeypot?
144
00:07:01,544 --> 00:07:02,568
- Wow.
- One of my favorites.
145
00:07:02,745 --> 00:07:06,146
- That sounds like a lot to cover.
- Yeah, so we may have to gloss over...
146
00:07:06,315 --> 00:07:08,010
almost all of it, but...
147
00:07:08,184 --> 00:07:10,277
- Aah!
- Weapon.
148
00:07:10,453 --> 00:07:11,579
Oh.
149
00:07:11,754 --> 00:07:12,982
- Oh, hey hon.
- Hey back.
150
00:07:13,155 --> 00:07:14,349
- Hello.
- What's...
151
00:07:14,523 --> 00:07:16,252
- What's this?
- Well, see...
152
00:07:16,425 --> 00:07:17,483
here's the thing...
153
00:07:17,660 --> 00:07:21,096
Under no circumstance is Lana
to know about our little...
154
00:07:21,263 --> 00:07:22,662
... plan.
155
00:07:22,832 --> 00:07:24,094
- Here's what thing?
- Okay.
156
00:07:24,266 --> 00:07:25,358
- Archer's DD-14.
- Yeah.
157
00:07:25,534 --> 00:07:28,025
That we're on our way down
to clear up with Jane.
158
00:07:28,204 --> 00:07:29,432
- Really?
- Well...
159
00:07:29,605 --> 00:07:31,197
you know Scatterbrain Jane.
Heh-heh.
160
00:07:31,373 --> 00:07:33,238
- You're cooking dinner later?
- Yes, I am.
161
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:34,671
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
162
00:07:34,844 --> 00:07:36,778
Speargun?
163
00:07:37,113 --> 00:07:40,048
- Oh. I can't believe I just did that.
- Yeah, dunce.
164
00:07:40,216 --> 00:07:41,547
Now Jane's a loose end.
165
00:07:42,384 --> 00:07:44,477
Hey, Jane.
166
00:07:44,653 --> 00:07:46,621
You getting a snack?
167
00:07:46,789 --> 00:07:49,690
Keep your story vague.
That's lesson one.
168
00:07:49,859 --> 00:07:53,226
But, I mean, morality aside, how
do you keep track of all these lies?
169
00:07:53,395 --> 00:07:58,389
Practice, Cyril.
Lying is, like, 95 percent of what I do.
170
00:07:58,567 --> 00:07:59,727
- In your job.
- Sure.
171
00:07:59,902 --> 00:08:02,166
It was pretty cool how
you handled that speargun.
172
00:08:02,338 --> 00:08:04,898
- Yeah, it was pretty cool.
- Will I get to learn karate?
173
00:08:05,074 --> 00:08:07,565
Karate?
The Dane Cook of martial arts?
174
00:08:07,743 --> 00:08:10,405
- No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
- Krav?
175
00:08:10,579 --> 00:08:12,843
We've got an ex-Mossad guy,
he comes in Thursdays.
176
00:08:13,015 --> 00:08:16,314
- Neat.
- Yeah. Tuesdays he does a spin class.
177
00:08:16,485 --> 00:08:19,648
- So will I need sweatpants?
- Cyril. You need all new clothes.
178
00:08:19,822 --> 00:08:21,153
What's wrong with these?
179
00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:26,218
Sorry.
180
00:08:26,695 --> 00:08:28,356
Oh.
181
00:08:28,531 --> 00:08:30,499
I was laughing at your clothes.
182
00:08:33,269 --> 00:08:37,330
Wow, Archer, you were right.
A tailored suit hangs so much better.
183
00:08:37,506 --> 00:08:39,599
That's because Woodhouse is a genius.
184
00:08:39,775 --> 00:08:42,767
Like so many other geniuses,
unappreciated in his life...
185
00:08:42,945 --> 00:08:44,435
Shut up and hem, you old fruit.
186
00:08:44,613 --> 00:08:48,447
- Speaking of fruit, sir.
- Oh, sorry. Heh-heh.
187
00:08:48,617 --> 00:08:51,381
- Cyril, check this out.
Watch yourself.
188
00:08:52,087 --> 00:08:54,681
- Really?
- Don't make it weird. It's your friend.
189
00:08:54,857 --> 00:08:57,087
- And so's this baby.
Jeezy Petes.
190
00:08:57,259 --> 00:08:58,886
It's a Chekhov. Russian-made.
191
00:08:59,061 --> 00:09:01,962
- .25 caliber.
- When would you use an underwear-gun?
192
00:09:02,131 --> 00:09:04,258
Hopefully never. But say you're...
193
00:09:04,433 --> 00:09:06,958
in a Caribbean bungalow
and you're kind of high.
194
00:09:07,136 --> 00:09:09,366
An exotic woman on the bed...
195
00:09:09,538 --> 00:09:12,598
now is she just the high-priced
whore you asked for?
196
00:09:12,775 --> 00:09:14,902
- Or is she an assassin?
- I don't know. I...
197
00:09:16,278 --> 00:09:18,269
Here's room service.
Who ordered champagne?
198
00:09:18,447 --> 00:09:19,778
How should I know.
Exactly.
199
00:09:19,949 --> 00:09:21,280
You're baked, can't remember.
200
00:09:21,450 --> 00:09:24,214
Since when does it take three
huge, surly Jamaican guys...
201
00:09:24,386 --> 00:09:26,786
to deliver one bottle of champagne?
Oh.
202
00:09:26,956 --> 00:09:29,117
- Because they're assassins too.
- Or...
203
00:09:29,291 --> 00:09:32,158
Maybe one guy's a new waiter,
the second one's training him...
204
00:09:32,328 --> 00:09:35,855
and the third's from maintenance,
finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC.
205
00:09:36,031 --> 00:09:37,623
Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen.
206
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,360
Point is, you come out
of the john waving this around...
207
00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:42,629
nobody's gonna bug you
for a tip. Here.
208
00:09:42,805 --> 00:09:45,171
- It's a gift.
- Thanks, wow, that's slippery.
209
00:09:45,341 --> 00:09:48,936
And the safety's off
so be careful, it could go off for, like...
210
00:09:49,111 --> 00:09:50,169
no reason.
211
00:09:50,346 --> 00:09:52,143
Now what're these pills?
212
00:09:52,314 --> 00:09:55,044
Oh, just antihistamines mostly.
213
00:09:55,217 --> 00:09:59,176
You just rest, Ms. Archer.
We'll take care of these DD-14s for you.
214
00:09:59,355 --> 00:10:02,222
Damn right you will. Idiot.
215
00:10:02,391 --> 00:10:04,018
Pam, look at this.
216
00:10:04,193 --> 00:10:06,821
- Holy shitsnacks.
- We have snacks?
217
00:10:06,996 --> 00:10:08,725
Everybody's personal medical records.
218
00:10:08,897 --> 00:10:11,331
- No, we can't be looking at this.
Are there snacks?
219
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:12,728
It's totally confidential.
220
00:10:12,901 --> 00:10:14,630
It totally should be. Look at this.
221
00:10:14,803 --> 00:10:15,827
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
222
00:10:16,005 --> 00:10:19,566
Cyril tried to get his plan
to cover a penis ensmallment?
223
00:10:19,742 --> 00:10:23,269
- Who'd have thunk it?
- I bet Agent Kane thunks it plenty.
224
00:10:23,445 --> 00:10:24,742
- You bet she does what?
- Oh!
225
00:10:24,913 --> 00:10:26,210
I bet she, uh... Oh.
226
00:10:26,382 --> 00:10:28,350
- I got nothing.
- That's what I thought.
227
00:10:28,517 --> 00:10:30,246
- You seen Cyril?
Is that Lana?
228
00:10:30,419 --> 00:10:31,977
Wow. What happened to you?
229
00:10:32,154 --> 00:10:35,351
Scatterbrain Jane,
but let me just tell you, okay?
230
00:10:35,524 --> 00:10:37,822
You should be thankful you have Cyril.
231
00:10:37,993 --> 00:10:39,688
- Well...
- For about 12 reasons.
232
00:10:39,862 --> 00:10:41,227
Well, thank you, Malory.
233
00:10:41,397 --> 00:10:43,422
But if you don't mind,
I'd prefer to keep...
234
00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:47,126
my personal affairs out of the office.
- Oh, please.
235
00:10:47,303 --> 00:10:49,965
She's had more pens
in that company ink than...
236
00:10:50,139 --> 00:10:52,369
a pen store.
And yet...
237
00:10:53,542 --> 00:10:54,770
does not have herpes.
238
00:10:54,943 --> 00:10:58,902
- Dealunbreaker.
- Ugh.
239
00:10:59,081 --> 00:11:01,641
What's the matter, baby?
Afraid you'll catch something?
240
00:11:01,817 --> 00:11:05,218
No, it's not that. I've just
never been this close to a...
241
00:11:05,387 --> 00:11:07,412
Call girl. It's not an insult, Cyril.
242
00:11:07,589 --> 00:11:09,386
Trinette takes pride in her work.
243
00:11:09,558 --> 00:11:10,650
- I really do.
- Okay.
244
00:11:10,826 --> 00:11:12,225
- So come on budge in.
- Uhn.
245
00:11:12,394 --> 00:11:15,090
- Gosh, yeah.
- Now that's not so bad, is it?
246
00:11:15,264 --> 00:11:17,391
- Ha-ha-ha.
- No. That feels pretty good.
247
00:11:17,566 --> 00:11:20,558
- I can tell. You are gifted.
- Okay.
248
00:11:20,736 --> 00:11:23,068
- God, it's just his gun, Trinette.
Sorry.
249
00:11:23,238 --> 00:11:24,830
Bet this seems pretty weird.
250
00:11:25,007 --> 00:11:27,475
Oh, please.
The sick shit I've done in this apartment?
251
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:29,702
- Okay.
- And that wasn't all gun, neither.
252
00:11:29,878 --> 00:11:30,970
Ha-ha. No, ma'am.
253
00:11:31,146 --> 00:11:34,673
Hey, can you two focus? Please?
Woodhouse. Are you ready, or what?
254
00:11:34,850 --> 00:11:38,684
Yes, quite ready sir.
Though not entirely willing.
255
00:11:38,854 --> 00:11:42,085
- Yeah, and I don't know if I am, either...
- Could have fooled me.
256
00:11:42,257 --> 00:11:43,281
Hey.
- Oh, Trinette.
257
00:11:43,459 --> 00:11:45,290
It's perfectly safe. You're tangoing...
258
00:11:45,461 --> 00:11:48,692
then your trained field agent eyes
spot two threats.
259
00:11:48,864 --> 00:11:51,298
But they're not trained.
We haven't done this yet.
260
00:11:51,467 --> 00:11:53,264
This is how you train them. So.
261
00:11:53,435 --> 00:11:56,063
- You spot your first threat. Woodhouse.
- Ooh. Hoo.
262
00:11:56,238 --> 00:11:57,637
- My knees aren't...
- Bam, bam, bam.
263
00:11:58,006 --> 00:12:01,032
You put him down. But just shoot
the pad, not Woodhouse.
264
00:12:01,210 --> 00:12:02,871
- Like, actually shoot the gun?
Then.
265
00:12:03,045 --> 00:12:05,309
How else are you gonna learn?
Okay, he's down...
266
00:12:05,481 --> 00:12:07,745
just the pad.
Then you see the second threat.
267
00:12:07,916 --> 00:12:10,384
Oh, no, you're out of ammo.
What are you gonna do?
268
00:12:10,552 --> 00:12:12,213
Oh, that's where the turn comes in?
269
00:12:12,388 --> 00:12:13,980
Duh. Woodhouse. Get in position.
270
00:12:14,156 --> 00:12:15,953
I really need a better health plan.
271
00:12:16,125 --> 00:12:20,186
Shut up. Weapon is hot
and live fire exercise...
272
00:12:20,362 --> 00:12:22,853
in five, six, seven, eight.
273
00:12:23,732 --> 00:12:27,634
Tango, tango, tango. Scan
the ballroom of the Cuban embassy...
274
00:12:27,803 --> 00:12:29,862
for the agent
you're supposed to meet.
275
00:12:30,038 --> 00:12:32,871
You're just some Canadian dude
down here on business...
276
00:12:33,041 --> 00:12:35,475
and threat. Woodhouse.
- Yes.
277
00:12:35,644 --> 00:12:37,202
- Cyril. Shoot.
- Oh, oh.
278
00:12:37,379 --> 00:12:39,813
- Aah!
- Shoot, bitch. Democracy's at stake.
279
00:12:39,982 --> 00:12:42,951
- Oh! Take that, forces of evil.
- Heh. Ooh.
280
00:12:43,385 --> 00:12:45,580
- Whoa.
- Way to go, baby. You hit it.
281
00:12:45,754 --> 00:12:48,052
Yeah. I did, didn't I?
282
00:12:48,223 --> 00:12:50,054
- Second threat.
- Oh. Right, I forgot about...
283
00:12:50,225 --> 00:12:51,715
- Second threat.
Jesus.
284
00:12:52,227 --> 00:12:54,889
- Ow! Christ on sale.
Jesus.
285
00:12:55,063 --> 00:12:57,190
Yeah, Cyril. That was totally ninja.
286
00:12:57,366 --> 00:13:00,233
No, Archer. That was totally uncool.
287
00:13:00,402 --> 00:13:01,892
Sorry, Trinette, did that hurt?
288
00:13:02,070 --> 00:13:04,903
Yeah, it fricking hurt, idiot.
It's ice.
289
00:13:05,073 --> 00:13:08,406
- Okay, we'll use grapes.
- We've only lingonberries, sir.
290
00:13:08,577 --> 00:13:10,238
Ballistically similar to grapes?
291
00:13:10,412 --> 00:13:13,870
Screw your grapes and screw your
whatever-berries, I am out of here.
292
00:13:14,049 --> 00:13:16,517
- No, wait. Trinette, please, l...
- Spying ass bastards.
293
00:13:16,685 --> 00:13:19,245
- Please my fat Irish ass. Ow!
- Ooh.
294
00:13:19,421 --> 00:13:21,252
What the hell's
in your freaking pocket?
295
00:13:21,423 --> 00:13:22,754
Um...
296
00:13:23,192 --> 00:13:24,921
- Ha.
- Oh. Oh.
297
00:13:25,093 --> 00:13:27,027
I don't feel so good.
298
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:30,129
Me neither.
299
00:13:30,299 --> 00:13:33,063
And voicemail again. Huh.
300
00:13:33,235 --> 00:13:37,262
So, it's me. Duh. And did you say
you'd cook, or did I mishear that?
301
00:13:37,439 --> 00:13:41,136
I know I misheard you about Jane,
because turns out, I ran into her.
302
00:13:42,044 --> 00:13:44,274
Hey, Jane.
303
00:13:44,446 --> 00:13:46,607
You getting a tampon?
304
00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:47,976
Yeah. Loose end.
305
00:13:48,150 --> 00:13:50,414
But I'm sure you had a good reason
to lie to me...
306
00:13:50,586 --> 00:13:52,850
so can't wait to hear what it was.
307
00:13:53,121 --> 00:13:56,284
- Oh, my God, you killed a hooker.
- Call girl.
308
00:13:56,458 --> 00:13:57,550
- She was a...
- No, Cyril.
309
00:13:57,726 --> 00:13:59,626
When they're dead they're just hookers.
310
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:03,162
God, I said the cap slips
off the poison pen for no reason.
311
00:14:03,332 --> 00:14:04,959
I know, but I just assumed...
312
00:14:05,133 --> 00:14:06,725
that if anything bad happened...
313
00:14:06,902 --> 00:14:11,566
No. Do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril.
That, sir, is a facile argument.
314
00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:13,765
And also woefully esoteric.
315
00:14:13,942 --> 00:14:15,671
- Woodhouse.
- Fetching a rug, sir.
316
00:14:15,844 --> 00:14:18,472
Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?
317
00:14:18,647 --> 00:14:20,478
No. No, I'm not happy.
318
00:14:20,649 --> 00:14:22,446
Well, guess what. Me neither.
319
00:14:22,618 --> 00:14:26,281
I mean, big picture,
I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.
320
00:14:26,455 --> 00:14:28,650
Sir. I have fetched the rug.
321
00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:30,621
Plus now I'm out a rug.
322
00:14:33,128 --> 00:14:36,256
Oh, God.
I should never have agreed to this.
323
00:14:36,431 --> 00:14:39,696
You and your stupid mother
and her stupid frothing loins.
324
00:14:39,868 --> 00:14:44,430
Hey. I know you're upset, but if you
ever mention my mother's loins...
325
00:14:44,606 --> 00:14:46,665
or their frothiness, to me again...
326
00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:50,710
I don't know what I'll do,
but it will be bad.
327
00:14:52,047 --> 00:14:54,811
Now let's go bury this dead hooker.
328
00:14:56,385 --> 00:14:58,376
Shirt tails. We need a password.
329
00:14:58,554 --> 00:14:59,919
- Hang on a second.
Ha-ha-ha.
330
00:15:00,088 --> 00:15:01,282
How you doing, Ms. Archer?
331
00:15:01,456 --> 00:15:02,889
I am good.
332
00:15:03,058 --> 00:15:05,652
- Okay, try... Okay, try "guest."
Real good.
333
00:15:05,827 --> 00:15:08,660
Well, that's just idi... Oh, my God.
334
00:15:08,830 --> 00:15:13,164
I know, right? So here let's make
the co-pay zero, and the deductible...
335
00:15:13,335 --> 00:15:15,326
- Super high, right?
- No, low.
336
00:15:15,504 --> 00:15:17,404
You want the lowest deductible.
337
00:15:17,573 --> 00:15:19,905
But don't you deduct it
on your taxes or something?
338
00:15:20,075 --> 00:15:21,372
- Wow.
- So you want more?
339
00:15:21,543 --> 00:15:23,170
And people think Jane's stupid.
340
00:15:23,345 --> 00:15:25,905
Speaking of, it's probably better...
341
00:15:26,081 --> 00:15:28,675
if Jane was the last one to log in.
342
00:15:28,850 --> 00:15:31,546
You are a bitch.
343
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,085
I am not. What?
344
00:15:33,255 --> 00:15:37,021
Because I don't want Sterling to end up
with a woman like Lana Kane?
345
00:15:37,192 --> 00:15:39,251
My God, a black...
346
00:15:39,428 --> 00:15:41,521
ops field agent?
347
00:15:41,697 --> 00:15:44,723
Thought she was going in a whole
other direction with that.
348
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:47,334
Because let me tell you,
I was black ops.
349
00:15:47,502 --> 00:15:52,098
And that does not for a young boy
a very merry Christmas make.
350
00:15:52,274 --> 00:15:55,437
Ajax a success, Teheran is ours, stop.
351
00:15:55,611 --> 00:15:59,069
Merry X-mas from Mommy
and Uncle Kermit, stop.
352
00:15:59,247 --> 00:16:02,580
Also, be nicer to Woodhouse, stop.
353
00:16:02,751 --> 00:16:06,209
- You made up the last part, didn't you?
- I did, sir.
354
00:16:06,488 --> 00:16:07,512
Douche.
355
00:16:07,689 --> 00:16:09,680
- Oh, my God.
- I know, right?
356
00:16:09,858 --> 00:16:12,918
This is the most kickass health plan ever.
357
00:16:13,095 --> 00:16:15,359
And I think I just had a flashback, so...
358
00:16:15,530 --> 00:16:18,727
these antihistamines are insane.
359
00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:22,802
Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one
who killed a perfectly good hooker.
360
00:16:22,971 --> 00:16:25,030
By accident. We could explain.
361
00:16:25,207 --> 00:16:27,368
To who, Cyril? The cops? Lana?
362
00:16:27,542 --> 00:16:30,375
She'd never forgive me.
Archer, my life is ruined.
363
00:16:30,545 --> 00:16:32,172
And all because Mother cooked up...
364
00:16:32,347 --> 00:16:34,178
this stupid plan...
- But I just...
365
00:16:34,349 --> 00:16:37,409
to make you an agent
just to impress Lana. Ironic, isn't it?
366
00:16:37,586 --> 00:16:39,451
I'm not sure that's technically irony.
367
00:16:39,621 --> 00:16:43,853
What? This is like O. Henry
and Alanis Morissette had a baby...
368
00:16:44,026 --> 00:16:46,551
and named it this exact situation.
369
00:16:46,728 --> 00:16:47,854
- No, it's...
- Yes, it is.
370
00:16:48,030 --> 00:16:51,727
Because a man like you, Cyril,
doesn't deserve a woman like Lana.
371
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:53,026
You...
372
00:16:53,201 --> 00:16:58,070
You butthole. You set this all up,
just to drive me and Lana apart.
373
00:16:59,274 --> 00:17:01,174
- Well?
- Screw you, Archer.
374
00:17:01,343 --> 00:17:03,868
Hey. Hostile work environment.
375
00:17:04,046 --> 00:17:07,379
Exactly. And I'm gonna file
a hostile work environment lawsuit...
376
00:17:07,549 --> 00:17:10,245
against you, and your mother,
and ISIS, and...
377
00:17:10,719 --> 00:17:12,414
What? Who the hell is that?
378
00:17:12,587 --> 00:17:14,987
- Your confederates in Operation Butthole.
- Cyril.
379
00:17:15,157 --> 00:17:17,421
- Those aren't my confederates.
- Well, nice try...
380
00:17:17,592 --> 00:17:19,253
but Cyril Figgis ain't buying it.
381
00:17:19,428 --> 00:17:21,953
- You hear that? I ain't buying it.
- Cyril.
382
00:17:22,564 --> 00:17:24,498
Oh, my God.
How about now, Cyril?
383
00:17:24,666 --> 00:17:26,634
Are you feeling ready to buy?
384
00:17:29,171 --> 00:17:30,661
To Scatterbrain Jane.
385
00:17:30,839 --> 00:17:33,103
And to plan-covered elective surgery.
386
00:17:33,275 --> 00:17:36,108
And the boob job. That you so need.
387
00:17:36,278 --> 00:17:38,838
And the ass-reduction you so need.
388
00:17:39,014 --> 00:17:40,572
And the skinny-bitch-ectomy you need.
389
00:17:41,950 --> 00:17:44,180
- Oh, my God, did you hear that?
- What do you think it is?
390
00:17:44,352 --> 00:17:46,217
Immigrants.
That's how they do, you know?
391
00:17:46,388 --> 00:17:50,381
Just drive around, listening to raps
and shooting all the jobs.
392
00:17:51,793 --> 00:17:53,920
- Then who are those guys?
- How should I know?
393
00:17:54,096 --> 00:17:58,362
KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path,
this guy I know named Popeye?
394
00:17:58,533 --> 00:17:59,625
I have enemies, okay?
395
00:17:59,801 --> 00:18:01,792
- That's because no one likes you.
- What?
396
00:18:01,970 --> 00:18:03,699
Seriously, do you not sense that?
397
00:18:03,872 --> 00:18:06,466
I am a product of my upbringing, Cyril.
398
00:18:06,641 --> 00:18:08,040
Well, I was a single mother.
399
00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:11,543
And it's a big dangerous world out there.
400
00:18:11,980 --> 00:18:14,039
Are you idiots still even here?
401
00:18:14,216 --> 00:18:15,843
So why aren't you better at this?
402
00:18:16,017 --> 00:18:19,384
I am the best at this, Rain Man,
okay? I'm like...
403
00:18:19,554 --> 00:18:21,181
Who? James Bond?
404
00:18:21,356 --> 00:18:23,483
Well, I don't like
to invite that comparison.
405
00:18:23,658 --> 00:18:25,819
- But yeah, basically.
- So do something.
406
00:18:25,994 --> 00:18:29,395
I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril.
I'm shooting the gun, see?
407
00:18:29,564 --> 00:18:32,089
- I'm driving the car.
- I could drive better than that.
408
00:18:32,267 --> 00:18:34,235
So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
409
00:18:34,402 --> 00:18:36,267
- No, you are not.
- Yes, I am totally am.
410
00:18:36,438 --> 00:18:37,905
- Stop it. No.
- No.
411
00:18:38,073 --> 00:18:41,338
- Grenades in the glove box.
- Drive me and the hooker to safety or...
412
00:18:41,510 --> 00:18:42,977
Excuse me.
- Lana?
413
00:18:43,145 --> 00:18:45,613
Yeah, I'm looking for two guys.
414
00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:48,113
They're on their way to the morgue?
415
00:18:50,919 --> 00:18:52,819
- Great.
- Archer, what am I gonna tell her?
416
00:18:52,988 --> 00:18:55,821
Well, if you learned anything today,
it won't be the truth.
417
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:58,889
I don't care if you have
50 dead hookers in the trunk...
418
00:18:59,060 --> 00:19:00,391
you lied to me.
419
00:19:00,562 --> 00:19:02,052
Did not learn anything.
420
00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:05,290
- Well, you shot a machine gun at me.
- Around you.
421
00:19:05,467 --> 00:19:07,230
- Because my feelings were hurt.
- Well...
422
00:19:07,402 --> 00:19:08,960
Why on earth would you lie to me?
423
00:19:09,137 --> 00:19:11,037
I just wanted to show you
I could be...
424
00:19:11,206 --> 00:19:13,572
a supercool ISIS field agent
like Archer, but...
425
00:19:13,742 --> 00:19:16,302
But baby, don't you know I...
426
00:19:16,478 --> 00:19:18,605
like you so much...
427
00:19:18,780 --> 00:19:21,271
because you're exactly the opposite
of Archer?
428
00:19:21,449 --> 00:19:24,384
- Well, yeah, but...
- Not to mention your other qualities.
429
00:19:24,553 --> 00:19:27,545
Oh, you are such a naughty Nelly.
430
00:19:27,722 --> 00:19:31,590
- He just gets a pass? Like Milton Berle?
Yep.
431
00:19:32,260 --> 00:19:34,785
Hey, so how did you know where I was?
432
00:19:35,197 --> 00:19:36,892
When we first started going out...
433
00:19:37,065 --> 00:19:40,057
I may have injected
a tracking device into your body.
434
00:19:40,235 --> 00:19:42,863
In my body? No, no.
Now, that is a breach of trust, Lana.
435
00:19:43,038 --> 00:19:45,973
Do you really wanna open
this can of trust-breachy worms...
436
00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:50,510
right after I caught you and my
ex-boyfriend with a hooker in the trunk?
437
00:19:51,213 --> 00:19:52,578
- I do not.
- You do not.
438
00:19:52,747 --> 00:19:56,649
Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic?
439
00:19:57,252 --> 00:20:01,245
You know what? I don't have a "one to
some other number of douchebags" scale.
440
00:20:01,423 --> 00:20:04,688
So, six? Oh, my God, Trinette.
441
00:20:04,860 --> 00:20:07,351
Yeah, Trinette, you shitass.
442
00:20:07,529 --> 00:20:09,588
- So you know you have to be punished.
- Yes.
443
00:20:09,764 --> 00:20:11,823
You're gonna walk into our video store...
444
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,467
With the sweet old Korean lady.
445
00:20:13,635 --> 00:20:17,833
- And buy the nastiest, barebackinest,
hard dickinest, ball splapiest...
446
00:20:18,006 --> 00:20:20,167
interracial porno in there.
447
00:20:20,342 --> 00:20:21,934
From the sweet old Korean lady?
448
00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:24,271
Yep. How you feel about that?
449
00:20:24,446 --> 00:20:28,007
- Like I got off pretty easy.
- Night ain't over yet.
450
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:30,208
- Throw me in a trunk?
- Not part of the plan.
451
00:20:30,385 --> 00:20:32,410
Inject me with some crazy spy poison?
452
00:20:32,587 --> 00:20:34,987
- It was just a harmless tranquilizer.
- You shitass.
453
00:20:35,156 --> 00:20:38,353
I mean, let's be honest, I doubt
that's the first needle you ever...
454
00:20:38,526 --> 00:20:41,051
- Ow!
- I never. Give me your wallet.
455
00:20:41,229 --> 00:20:42,321
I already paid you.
456
00:20:42,497 --> 00:20:46,228
File a customer service complaint.
I'm sure Popeye'd love to hear it.
457
00:20:46,401 --> 00:20:48,835
Hey, come on, you wouldn't tell Popeye.
458
00:20:49,004 --> 00:20:50,369
Oh, watch me.
459
00:20:50,538 --> 00:20:53,166
- Oh. Give me your watch.
- You know how much this thing costs?
460
00:20:53,341 --> 00:20:55,241
Probably less
than a new set of kneecaps.
461
00:20:55,410 --> 00:20:58,470
- There. Happy?
- Almost.
462
00:21:00,882 --> 00:21:03,874
You know, I bet there's a lesson
to be learned from all this.
463
00:21:04,052 --> 00:21:07,351
But l... Oh, shit, my rug.
36785
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