All language subtitles for You.Cant.Hurry.Love.1988.WEB-DL.x264-RARBG

union station, los angeles.

Welcome to los angeles.

There's always room
for one more.

♪ one, two, three! ♪

♪ good love ♪

♪ good love ♪

Taxi!

♪ good love ♪

♪ good love ♪

hey, dude!

- ♪ I was feelin' so bad ♪
- jump in, bud.

♪ I asked my family doctor
just what I had ♪

♪ I said doctor
doctor ♪

♪ mr. M.d.
doctor ♪

♪ can you tell me
what's ailing me? ♪

♪ doctor ♪

♪ he said, "yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" ♪

♪ yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ yes, indeed ♪

♪ all i, I really need ♪

♪ now, give me that
good, good love ♪

♪ good love ♪

♪ all I need is love ♪

♪ good love ♪

♪ good lovin', baby ♪

♪ good love ♪

♪ ow! ♪

that'll be $80, please.
- $80?

well, you said you wanted
the scenic route.

you sure this is
the right entrance?

You bet.

- have a nice trip.
- yeah.

Bye.
Have a good time.

- Uh...
- have fun!

Hey, my things!

Skip?

Skip?

"Dear ed, l.a.
Is for you, dude.

Awesome surprise waiting
for you in the fridge."

Hmm.

"Surprise inside."

Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah!

Stop it.

I got you.

- I got you!
- You did not.

- I did, too.
- No, you didn't.

It's good
to see you, eddie!

How you doin'?

What took you so long?
I could have died in there.

Oh, man,
you are so crazy.

What if the door
got stuck?

Well, life is a series
of risks, man,

And you have taken
the ultimate risk

By coming out here
to live with me, dude.

Look at your clothes.

What is this "dude" stuff?

You're from ohio.
Come on.

Not anymore.

Not anymore.

Come on.

So, you see, I scammed
my way into house-sitting

For this big advertising
agency, right?

What do you think, man?

I think it's great.

Wow.

So, you got dumped, huh?

I don't know how
it happened, you know?

I mean, I'm in my tuxedo,
I'm on my way to the wedding,

And then I find out that joanie
eloped with paul bodine.

- He was your best man.
- Yeah.

Listen, there's no
problem here, buddy,

Because mi casa
esesses you casa.

What?

I don't know,
but my house is your house, all right?

All right, look,
I bet you need help finding a job.

You know what
I'm living off now?

The money I got back
from the wedding caterers.

Well, I have you a job

With one of l.a.'S
hottest ad agencies.

Are you serious?

Vidiocity.

Wait, are you kidding?
You got me a job?

- Scab, thank you.
- Don't worry about it.

Look, as soon as you
take care of this stuff,

We're going to set you
loose on about a billion

Or so women that are
just dying to meet you.

How did you...

Whoa.

Skip, there's a naked girl
in your backyard.

- that's mamegama.
- what?

bush, man!
that's irene. Wave.

oh.

Hi.

See, the ad agency lets this
photographer do this every morning.

He does these layouts every
single-- is this going to bother you?

- Huh?
- Huh?

I don't believe this.

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.
Eddie, look at me now.

I know you've been through
this serious trauma. All right?

I mean, I was dumped
by a chick once.

Well, maybe not, but...

Look, if anybody can make
you forget about joanie,

I can. All right?

Come on. I want
to show you something.

eddie, down boy.
come on.

whoa.

Nice car, huh?

You see, eddie, in this town,
your car is everything, right?

You don't have a car,
you don't have a dick.

Now, since this is
your first car in l.a.,

We're going to start
you out with a small dick.

Ta-da.

Wow.

Here you go. Key.

- This is mine?
- Yep.

These go with it.

Skip.

On your way,
why don't you stop off,

Check the oil,
give her some gas.

You gotta take care
of your dick.

I think I might
like living in l.a.

Who knows?

vidiocity, one moment.

Vidiocity, one moment.

May I help you?

My name is eddie hayes.
I'm here to see peter newcomb?

There's a mr. Hayes
to see you.

Well, I don't know.

What's it about?

A job interview.

He's says it's
a job interview.

Mm-hmm.

It's the last door
on the right.

Thank you.

Well, I don't give a fuck
if he is in palm springs,

Nobody shoots shit unless the
prick shows his ass to me in person.

Well, fuck him!
Bury him!

He'll never work
in this town again.

fine, fine.

Louisa?

My wife calls,
I'm on the phone,

And hold my calls
for 15 seconds.

So... What's this
about a job?

Hi, I'm ed hayes.

My roommate skip dooley
called you about me?

Dooley?

Oh, yeah.

The kid who housesits for the
head of our london office.

That's right.

Got a resume?

i'm having new ones
printed up.

What makes you think you can
break into the california market?

Well, I have a b.a.
In communications,

I'm dependable,
I can really handle responsibility,

And I like working
with other people.

Really?

I don't see any
previous experience here.

Yeah, well, I had
a cable access show

Called "proud
to be a buckeye."

I have lots of tapes.

I could send you
a sample if--

Look, kid, I hate
to pop your weasel,

But we only hire
heavyweight people

With credits
in this town.

You might as well
apply back in--

Akron.

To be perfectly
honest with you,

I'm kind
of low on funds,

And I'm willing
to start anywhere.

I'll sweep up, I'll
answer the phones.

What?

No.

Tell him I'm not in.

Well, lock the door.

how could you?

In my own house,
in my own bed.

What am I to you,
a pimp?

I'm with a client.

Well, excuse me,
but how would you like to come home

And find the gardener
tied to your bed?

You left grass stains.

You are such a child.

Child?
You're the child.

- you're the child.
- no, you're the child.

- No, you're the child.
- No, you're the child.

- This is mine.
- No, that's mine.

- I'm taking it.
- It's mine.

it's mine!

Give me that.

Now look what you've done.

And don't come over till
you've made this up to me.

Did I come
at a bad time?

What kind of a job
were you looking for?

My brother needs some
help in advertising

Down at the beach. Ahem.

- When can you start?
- Immediately.

Good.

And I'd prefer it if you
didn't mention...

You know.

Me? Mention?
No, I didn't see anything.

Thank you very much.

Welcome aboard.

- All right.
- Yeah.

♪ Invaders coming in
from another planet ♪

♪ Invaders coming in
from another world ♪

♪ Come in and look
for me on your planet ♪

♪ Invaders coming in
from another world ♪

What you are is what you
get in hollywood.

All right.

Love will come.

Did you see that guy?

what a weirdo.

Who's a weirdo?

That guy.

Um, never mind.

Listen, I'm looking
for a guy named tony.

Do you know him?

Guy named tony?

Yeah, guy named tony.
Do you know him?

Hey, look, if you don't know who the guy is,
just say so, okay?

You like your finger?

Don't ever point
your finger at tony.

tony don't like fingers
pointed at him.

Wait a minute.
You're tony?

Listen, why didn't you just
say so in the first place?

Why didn't you just say
so in the first place?

I don't believe this.

Your brother
sent me down here.

He said that you had
a job for me.

Do you have a job
for me or not?

Oh, my brother.

Here.

Hand these out to people
on the beach.

Wait a minute.

The job is handing
flyers out on the beach?

The job is handing
flyers out on the beach?

Oh, man.

This is great.

Well, take it
or leave it.

Well, I'm going
to take it, you know.

i'm going to need the money,
but... I don't know.

you just had me going there,
you know, in the beginning.

Anyway, I think if we're
going to work together,

We should be friends.
My name is eddie. Hi.

Friends?

I'll tell you
what a friend is.

A friend is a guy who leaves
you bleeding in the ditch

With bullets screaming
over your head.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what
a friend is, eddie.

Yeah, I'm working with
a guy who lives in a box.

sure.

Hi.

Thank you.

How you doin'?

Hi.

They have boogie boards
and skateboards

And everything like that.

Oh!

God!

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Listen, do you have
a girlfriend?

Do I know you?

No, it's just that you look
like you could use a date.

Here's my card.

Video valentine
dating service?

Thanks a lot.

Well, you never know.

It's hard to meet new people
in this town.

Cute guy like you.

Anyway, it's a money
back guarantee.

- How you doin'?
- Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'll think
about it, all right?

Okay.

- Eddie.
- Skip.

Yeah.

Hi.

You're just the guy
I need to see.

I need to talk to
you, okay?

Why don't you two
go get something to eat?

I gave you some money,
right?

I'll catch up with you
in a few minutes.

Who are they?

- Friends?
- Just some friends.

So, what's wrong?

Skip.

What is all this stuff
about a job in advertising?

You know what
the job is? Huh?

I'm handing out flyers
on the beach.

You got to start somewhere.

No. No. This is not a start,
this is ridiculous.

Look, eddie,
I know you majored in advertising in college,

But see, this is a very
tough town to get a start in.

- Now, what are these?
- Flyers.

No, eddie.

These are little
stepping stones.

You're going to make
contacts with these.

These are your future, eddie.

I think the smog
went to your brain.

Eddie...

L.a. Is not reality.

You see, it's just
a state of mind.

The only way to be
successful in this town

Is to pretend to be
somebody else. Right?

You make them think you're successful
and then you are successful.

It's selling
the fantasy, eddie.

It's like style
over substance.

That's all it is.

Hey!

there's flyers
to be flown!

Hey, tony!

Hey, yourself.

This guy is very strange.

You know,
I heard he was this mind sweeper in granada.

Whatever you do man,
don't point at him.

I know. I already
found that out.

Oh, eddie.
Eddie, come here.

Girls, this is my very
cool cousin, eddie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

He owns this building
right here.

- Ohh.
- Yeah.

Excuse us.
Excuse us.

Now, eddie, look,
the business at hand

Is for you to go out and
find yourself a chick, right?

I mean, look,
you were engaged for about 3 months,

You're probably tired of slapping
the old puppy around, huh?

- I got to go.
- Look, eddie. Eddie.

I want you to beef her,
and I want you to make her beg for more.

- You are so sick.
- I know.

God.

♪ ow ♪

Hi.

Hi.

You live here?

Uh-huh.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I just moved here.
- Oh, yeah? Where from?

Ohio.

Oh, really?

I'm from ohio.
Whereabouts?

Akron.

What?

Oh, nothing.

Well, seeing
that I'm from ohio

And that you're from ohio
and that I'm new here,

You think maybe we could
get together sometime,

- You could show me around?
- You got to be kidding.

The reason I moved here is to
get away from guys from ohio.

♪ tell me what's the word,
word up ♪

♪ everybody say... ♪

You like to skate?

No.

I like to skate.

Good.

Oh, I love that book.

It's the greatest book.
You like it?

Yeah, it's good.

You know,
I cried when the son got killed at the end.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

i am so sorry.

Oh, I hate
when people do that.

♪ we can use it,
we need to dance ♪

♪ we don't have the time
for psychological romance ♪

♪ no romance,
no romance... ♪

Hi.

I love the ocean.

You know,
it reminds me of pirates and adventure.

- What does it remind you of?
- Toxic pollution.

You ever see a sperm whale
beach itself?

No.

Okay, that's nice,
right in there.

Okay. Great. Okay, catherine,
hop onto brian's knee.

Yes, lean on his knee.

That's good. Run your
fingers through his hair.

Okay.

- How you doin'?
- Hi.

- Edward hayes?
- Yes.

Got a package for you.

Thanks.

Just sign here.

Sure.

Oh, by the way, would
you be interested

In signing our petition
for world peace?

Yeah, sure.

That's a $10 donation.

Really?

No, thanks.

What do you mean
no thanks?

You don't get peace
without work, pal!

Skip!

It's people like you that make it
tough for the rest of the world!

It's jerks like you
that go spouting love

And freedom when you
don't want to pay for it!

World peace, you asshole!

Watch it, buddy!

is it on? Is it on?

I think so.

Well, come on.

Can you hear us, honey?

Eddie?
Can you hear us?

- He can hear us.
- Hi, honey.

Mace, he can see us,
too, all right?

Now, you're in the way.

We don't want you
to live out there.

We want you to come home
where you belong.

Oh, may.
Shut up. Shut up.

You shut up.

Look, ed...

Now we got
to talk, all right?

Now, we understand

How difficult it's been
since joanie dumped you,

But it's no reason for you
to throw away your life,

To move
to california.

You got to settle down.

You got
to get a real job.

okay?

It--it--it-- it's not your fault she left you, dear.

She was never good
enough for you anyway.

Mace, mace, mace.

Never step in front of me.

Now, when I tell you to pack up your
bags and come home, you do it.

Do you hear what
I'm saying to you?

Now, california is not
a place for a man--

But look, I never forgot
the one thing.

The one thing, and that
is responsibility to my--

Mace. Please, mace.

Son, this is
a warning to you now,

And it's the last one
I'm giving to you.

You get on a plane,
and you come home.

mom!

What am I saying?

I'm talking
to a television set.

You see what
you do to me?

vidiocity, one moment.

Hi.

ed hayes.
i'm here to pick up my check.

wait, wait.

Before you call, let me
ask you a question, okay?

If a guy like me were to ask you out,
would you say yes?

Well, I don't know.

You haven't
asked me out.

Oh.

Okay.

Would you go out with me?

No.

Really? I'm going
to go pick up my check.

I understand, forehead,
you're an artist.

But, this isn't show art,
it's show business.

Fuck you, too.

Your check's down there.

So, how's life at the beach
with my crazy brother?

Crazier than ever.

Look, when can I talk to
you about a promotion?

You're going to have to wait
a little bit longer, ed.

I'm afraid you
haven't quite got

Into the california
spirit yet--

The way we do
things out here.

Oh, yeah?

How long is that
going to take?

Well, that depends
on you, doesn't it?

Look, a couple of more months
and I'll get you on the books,

And then we'll see if we can't
get you in here somehow.

Until then, chill out.

Hello, my name's abigail,

And I like camping,
long walks on the beach--

Excuse me, are you
talking to me?

No.

Long walks on the beach,

And I don't
eat red meat.

Hello, my name is abigail,
and I like camping,

Long walks on the beach,
healthy--

hello,
my name is abigail,

and I like camping, long
walks on the beach...

And I like camping,
long walks on the beach,

Surfers,
and anything tubular.

hi.

Mr. Flyers.

Took you long enough
to come in.

Hi, I'm peggy kellogg.

Hi, peggy.

- Hi.
- Ed hayes.

Now, I didn't actually come
in here to use the service.

Yeah, all the guys
who come in here say that.

So, how are you going
to find your perfect mate

Unless you try, right?

Yeah.

What about you?

Do you ever date guys
from the dating service?

'Fraid it's against
the rules, sorry.

But we do have a girl here
for you, believe me.

What kind
are you looking for?

Uh, I don't know.

Someone I could
settle down with.

Maybe get married,
start a family.

No, I mean what type.

Tall? Short?

Plump? Skinny?

I don't know.
Normal, whatever.

Normal... Hobbies?

Bicycling?
Skiing?

scuba diving?
dancing?

- Dancing.
- Dancing.

Okay.

Here are a couple
sample tapes.

Take a look at them and see if you
wanna make one for yourself.

Listen, I just don't want
you to get the wrong idea.

It's not like I'm
desperate or anything.

Who says you're desperate?

what have you got to lose?

No rejections.

They call you and tell you
if they want a date.

Okay.

I'll look at it.

Okay.

Viewing room's over there.

okay.

And I work at a health agency so I'm very clean.

Um, I'm just looking for
an all-american kind of guy.

You know, like a doctor
or a lawyer.

Um, my mother wants me
to get somebody

Who makes over
$100,000 a year.

so, I'm very flexible.

I'm just looking
to fall in love.

Hmm.

Hi.

Ahem.

Hi.

My name is louise
harland and, um...

I'm in my early 20s
and, um, I have a job.

I'm a legal secretary

And, um, uh...

I like men

And I like to go
to amusement parks.

I really like it when the roller coasters go up and down

And around and you scream

and you feel like
you're going to fall.

hello.

I'm a receptionist.

Well, I was until yesterday.

I got fire-- well, I
didn't really get fired.

They kind of asked me
if I wanted to resign,

But, um, I didn't
like it anyway.

Well, anyway, I shouldn't
bring this into it.

My mother always
says I can't finish--

Well, forget about my mother.

I'm looking for

Somebody that will help me feel, um, fulfilled.

Not that I need a man
to make me feel complete.

But-- well, if you want
to meet me, that's--

If you don't want to,
that's all right, too.

Hmm.

Are we in focus?

Are we in focus?

I don't think
we're in focus.

Oh. Fine. There.

Now, listen, hayes.

All you do is talk
to the camera.

The camera
is your girlfriend.

You want to impress
your girlfriend.

You got it?

Mm-hmm.

Now, sit up straight
and get a date.

Do I just talk
to the lens?

You got it, babe.

Eyes straight, a little
chest hair showing.

And wipe that desperate
look off your face.

You want a date,
so think sex.

You're trying to get
picked up, not arrested.

okay.

Video valentine,
take one.

Relax, kid, straighten up.

Sex... And action.

Hi. What-- I don't--

You want them to think
you're a geek?

Tell them your name,
age, special interests.

Okay, hi.

My name is eddie hayes.

I'm 23 years old,
and I recently moved here from ohio.

And I like to dance.

I like to go
to the movies,

And, as a matter of
fact, I'm a director.

i do all sorts
of commercials.

That's coming over the
hill and the heat's rising?

That was mine.
I did that one.

I guess what I'm really looking
for is an attractive girl.

Someone who's in the arts,
who enjoys dressing up,

But also would like hot
dogs and french fries.

Um, how am I doin'?

Oh, peachy.

Cut, next.

Hi, eddie, I saw your tape,

And I think
you're really cute.

Would you like
to go out with me?

♪ and you comb
your hair ♪

♪ grab your coat and hat ♪

♪ and you walk wet streets
trying to remember ♪

♪ all the wild nights breezes
in your ever, ever ♪

♪ and everything
is so complete ♪

♪ when you're walking
out on the street ♪

♪ and the wind catches
your feet ♪

♪ sends you flyin', cryin' ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, oohie ♪

♪ a wild night is callin' ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, oohie ♪

Eddie?

Madonna?

Yeah, well,
it's really glenda,

But my friends call me madonna
because of the resemblance.

Can't you tell?

Well, this is
my daddy over here.

Daddy, this is edmund.

He's the big movie director
I was telling you about

And, um, maybe he has
a part for me.

Well, now
I can't promise.

Oh, that's the phone.

I'll be right back. Okay?

You just stay
right there, okay?

Be right back.

Okay.

How you doing, sir?

Your daughter seems
very nice.

Sit down.

I love my daughter
very much.

I got two words
of advice for you.

Be careful.

You got raincoats?

Raincoats?

Profos,

Dick wrappers,
condoms.

It's our first date.

Be careful you don't get
your birdie excited.

My birdie?

Your weenie...

Your schmeckle,

Your dick.

Careful you don't get
your birdie excited

And become a daddy.

You ain't going anywhere
if you're a daddy.

Nowhere but work.

You like to work?

I get up, I go to work.
I get up, I go to work.

I get up, I go to work.
I get up, I go to work.

Jesus!

You got to keep bobbin'
and weavin'.

Bobbin' and weavin'.
Bobbin' and weavin'.

Bobbin' and weavin'
or life'll get ya.

Use 'em.

For a lot of reasons.

you may think I'm nuts.

I ain't nuts.

Life is nuts.

Come on, eddie.

Be careful.

Come on, lets go.

Um, okay.

Ahem.

I really enjoyed--

eddie.

- I enjoyed our chat.
- Fuck you.

come on, eddie,
let's go.

Bye, daddy.

We'll see you tomorrow.

night, sir.

♪ the lights are on ♪

♪ but you're not home ♪

♪ your mind
is not your own ♪

♪ your heart sweats,
your body shakes ♪

♪ another kiss... ♪

so, we were supposed to shoot
in paris this weekend,

- But it was raining.
- Well, that's too bad.

Well, so what's it like being
a big movie director, huh?

Um, it's like any
other job, you know?

Well, have you directed
anything that I've seen?

You know?

Uh, this and that.

You know what?

I don't want to talk about me.

I really want
to talk about you.

I talk about the business
all day, you know?

Mm-hmm.

So, how long have you been
with the dating service?

Oh, almost a year.

I like it, because, you
know, you see some guy

That you think's
really cute,

And you just pick him out of the
herd and, well, here we are.

So, do you like
my breasts?

What?

I mean, an actress has
to have big ones, right?

Well, mine
aren't so big.

But, you know, when
I'm standing like this,

They're really tiny,
but if I stand like that

And I hunch over,
they're gargantuan.

Oh, god.

My daddy's
such a weirdo.

Oh, god.

I mean, if he hadn't
got me that job dancing,

I would have
split long ago.

Oh, that's right,
you're a dancer.

Yeah, well, you asked
for somebody

In the performing arts,
didn't you?

Well, I'm in showbiz.

And you meet so many
people at monster mansion--

Wait a minute.

You work at monster mansion?

Well, yeah.

I'm the dancing troll.

Eddie?

Excuse me.

Eddie?
Are you okay?

Here, here.
Let me help you.

Oh. Oh, are
you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.
Thank you.

I'm sorry. It must
have gone, you know...

That's okay.

I do the heimlich
all the time.

Are you sure
you're okay?

So, are you going to
audition me, or what?

Hmm?

Whoa. I--

What?

I just thought maybe we'd get to
know each other first, that's all.

Well, I want
to know you.

- Really?
- I do.

♪ might as well face it, ♪

- ♪ you're addicted to love ♪
- oh!

♪ you're addicted to love ♪

♪ you're addicted to love ♪

♪ might as well face it,
you're addicted to love... ♪

oh, yes! Yes!

why? What am I doing?

Nothing. Let's just pretend
like we're doing it, okay?

Oh! Right like that.
Right like that.

- Oh, don't move!
- Ow! Ow!

Please don't move!
Don't breathe!

Wait, wait, wait.
I think I have something with my leg.

- Oh, no.
- I think I have a charley horse.

- No!
- Yeah!

Oh, god!

Oh, yes! Yes!

♪ might as well face it
you're addicted to love ♪

Oh, god.

Oh, that was good.
Oh, god.

Oh. Was it good
for you, too?

But we didn't
do anything.

right.

That's why they call
it safe sex.

But yet...

Look, I've got
a date later on.

So maybe we better
get going.

Oh, my god.

Do you know what time it is?

You know what?

I have to be on the set
first thing in the morning.

Oh, that reminds me.
Hold on just a second.

Here, my 8x10 and if
you can ever use me,

Even in the tiny,
tiny, tiny little part,

I'd really
appreciate it, okay?

Thanks.

♪ it's closer to the truth
to say you can't get enough ♪

♪ you know you're going
to have to face it ♪

♪ you're addicted to love. ♪

So, you went out
with the dancing troll?

Just trying to find
a girl, that's all.

Sounds pretty
squirrelly to me, ed.

Look, it seems like the
only way I can get women

To notice me is if make up
who they want me to be.

So, one date
I'm a director,

the next date,

Be a rock and roller.

Um, maybe one date
I'll be a--

Sleazebag pervert?

Boogie boards,

Skateboards...

I'm really bored.

Yo, skate city.

Yo, skateboards.

Yo.

Whoa.

Eddie, how are you?

I'm all right,
how are you?

Pretty good.

How you doin'?

Yeah, hi.

See you in a minute.

So, how's the big life
of a movie director.

Is this the part where the car
comes over the hill?

i'm sorry.
i'm just kidding.

So, how'd your date go?

My date was miserable.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You went out with the one
from monster mansion, right?

Mm-hmm.

well, first dates are
always the worst.

Come on, eddie.
There's a lot of girls at the dating service.

Just come in and be yourself.

Oh, yeah.

That's really easy
for you to say

With mr. Tubular standing
over there as your boyfriend.

Maybe if I knew how
to surf, I'd get lucky.

He's not a surfer,
he's a lifeguard.

Yo, paton. Come on!
I haven't got all day.

Anyway, I got to go.

So, are we going
to see you again?

I don't know.
Maybe I'll come in as a surfer.

That would be funny.

We'll see you on tape.

Ciao.

Bye.

We in focus, honey?

Yes, ms. Frigget.

So, you got a troll, huh?

too bad.

It's 'cause you're
comin' off like a wimp.

Chest up.

chin in.

flex those pecs.

How's this?

You look constipated.

Oh, just be yourself, and--

Wait. Excuse me. Do
I have to pay again?

Of course you got to pay.

Nothing in this life
is free.

I got to live, I got to eat.

Action.

Hey, baby,
how's it goin'?

Ed's the name,
rock 'n' roll's the game.

check it out.

Now, listen, life
is a series of risks

And you are about to take the
ultimate risk by going out with me.

now, I'm not talking about
a heavy commitment.

I'm just talking about an illin'
babe that I can take home to mom.

Check it out.
Can you dig it?

Yeah.

I loved your video.

Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

Are you really in
a rock 'n' roll band?

Um, as a matter of fact,
I just came from the studio.

We jut laid down some tracks.

And, um, anyway,
what do you do?

I do performance art.

Haven't you ever heard
of rhonda midnight?

Yes.
I do recall.

Well, actually, I'm
in the middle of a piece

Called
the mating ritual.

Do you want to be in it?

You mean now?

Well, not now. Later.

Now, I'm going to take
you to the scag club.

It's very hot, dark, smoky,

And we could hold hands
under the table.

And I can press my hot lips
against your lips.

But first, we have
to dress you up.

Dress me up?

Good, huh?

Oh, yeah.
He's great.

♪ Eeeee ♪

Ha ha ha ha!

I kind of just feel a little
out of place in there.

You know?

The next guy seemed better.

Really?

This guy we saw is good,
but the next guy--

Wait, wait.
Skip! Skip!

come here!

Skip!

It's me, eddie.

Eddie?

Yes!

Oh, no.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Rhonda, this is my roommate, skip,
and this is... Rene.

Veronica.

Oh, my god, barry.

That's my analyst
over there.

That's barry.
I'll be back in a minute.

- Barry?
- What are you doing?

Barry.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah, I'm on one
of those video dates.

She thought it'd be fun if we got dressed up,
you know, went out.

So, you just let her
do it, right?

You let her put on
the wig, the earrings,

Eddie, look, it's okay to pretend
to be somebody else, right?

Just as long as that somebody
else is cooler than you.

I got to go, man.

You going to be all right?

I'm fine.

- All right.
- See ya.

Bye.

- He's good, huh?
- Yeah.

How you doin'?

All right.

Care to, uh, partake, man?

Oh, gee, no thanks.

Come on, dude.

Here. Just one.

Ooh!

♪ It's spring again ♪

eddie, wake up. Wake up.

It's time to wake up.

Are you okay?

Uh, uh, yeah.

I feel like someone tried
to jumpstart my heart.

I know.

I feel like this
is all my fault.

I can't seem to meet
a normal guy.

Now, I meet you and I
feel like I've blown it.

No, you didn't blow it.

I'm just trying
to find a normal girl.

I'm not
exactly normal, though.

I mean, I'm looking for a girl
that I can settle down with,

You know, maybe
a couple of kids.

That's really easy for
you to say, isn't it?

You don't have
to carry children.

No, that's not what I meant.

No, I know exactly
what you meant.

You want some poor woman to
lug around your kid for 9 months.

Do you have any idea what
it's like to be pregnant?

No.

You expect us women to wash,
cook, and clean for you,

Then spend all night having
sex like crazed monkeys.

No.
That's not fair.

That's not fair?

I'll tell you
what's not fair.

What's not fair is this whole
idea of the mating ritual.

That a woman of my quality
has to stoop as low

As going to a dating service
to get a date,

While men like you pick and choose
which ones you're going to marry?

I mean, what is it?

You think women
are like animals

Just waiting around for men
like you to show us domination?

'Cause I can show you
something about domination.

Wait a minute.

What are these things
doing on my feet?

Why are these cameras on?

This is the mating ritual,
and you are my mate.

No!

What are you doing!?

Lady!

Leaving so soon?

Ha ha ha!

Now, chuck,
try to be diplomatic.

Diplomatic?

if I tell my son it's day and it's night,
then it's day.

mace, you shut up.

Now just shut up.

Don't tell me to shut up.

Shut up, macie.

Ohh, shit!

Get up, get up, get up!

Get up quick!
My parents are here.

Get up!

What?

- My parents.
- What about 'em?

They're here.
The girls.

Well, they
can't have 'em,

They're mine,
now get out of here.

Oh, my god!

Eddie?
Is that you?

Okay.

Ah!

Aah!

Eddie?

Mom, dad.
How the hell are you?

Ed.

What the hell's
going on here?

Whose place is this?

This place? Oh, it's skip's.

he's house-sitting
for this guy.

Son, why do you have
a towel on your head?

Towel?

Oh. Well, I just
took a shower,

So I'm going to go
finish drying off, okay?

Excuse me.

Whew.

Ah!

Eddie.

Eddie, honey?
Did you say something?

No, mom. I'm just
going to take a shower.

Didn't you just
take a shower?

Um, yeah, but it gets
really dirty in l.a.

so, I'll be right out, okay?

Who is that?

My mother, shh.

Shh.
Wait, wait--

Go that way.
Go that way.

Shh. Be cool.
Okay? Please.

right.

That's nice, very nice.
Okay. Ooh, beautiful.

Salute again, please.

Oh, love it, love it. Ooh!

Dear, I think we better wait
for him back at the motel.

Come on.

There it is.

Thanks.

Mom, dad, what's wrong?

You're coming home.

What? That?
I can explain that.

This isn't mine.
It's skip's.

- Where is skip?
- He's out of town.

Then, who was that girl?

What girl?

that girl.

And what about the naked
girl in the backyard?

Right.

What naked girl?

Why don't you just
go back to the hotel

And I'll come over.

Son.

Son, you've got to stop
sowing wild oats.

Darling, forget
about joanie.

You'll get
over that.

Look, you're on the next plane back to ohio,
young man.

No, dad.

Baby. Baby, come home
and live with us.

Your daddy will
give you your job back.

Uh, what's that?

Chuck, your son is
wearing an earring.

- Oh.
- Ouch.

That is the last straw.

Dad, come on.

Uncle chuck, aunt macie,

Welcome to skip dooley's
practical jokes, blunders,

And cockamamie gimmicks.

i just have to say this,

That was one of the best
practical jokes we pulled off.

what the...

No, uncle chuck, the camera's right
over there behind the mirror.

Now, why don't you two
come on over here

Right next to me and say hello
to the television audience.

Come on.

Speak right up.

Oh, you're kidding.

No.

What are you talking--

You mean, this is really--

You mean
we're on television?

That's right.

you're kidding.

No, you see, I told
edward not to tell you

About my new cable show.

The show that puts
everyday ordinary people

Into extraordinary
situations.

that's amazing.

Say hi.
Say hi, uncle chuck.

Hi.

Hello, we're from ohio.

Come on now,
you're kidding.

Ed, you never told us
you worked in tv.

The producers
wouldn't let me.

Ohh. Ohh.

Oh, now I get it.

all right, guys,
that's a wrap.

Thanks.

You guys were
just so good.

Couldn't believe it.

Mom, dad, listen, we'll
go out to dinner later.

Okay? So, why don't you
go home, get some rest--

Good-bye!

Thanks, mom.

Come on, mace,
he's a busy man.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

You didn't fool me
for a minute.

Right, bye, dad.

I can't believe
that just worked.

What is it we sell?

The fantasy.

Uh, excuse me, hi.

I'm looking for a girl
named monique.

I was just wondering
when you'd get here.

You're monique.

I just loved
your videotape.

Which one?

The one where you talk
about how much

You like racing
fast cars and women.

Uh, right, yeah.

Anyway, listen.

I have
a slight problem.

My parents
just came into town

And I have
to go out with them,

So, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to break our date.

Why?

Are you afraid I
would embarrass you?

No.

No, it's not that at all.

It's just that, you know,

They just came into town,

And I have to have
dinner with them.

So, where are you
having dinner?

Croquet's.

I love that place.

I'll call peno right now

And get us the best
table, all right?

Yeah, sure.

If you want to do that,
that'd be great.

- They'll love it.
- Yeah?

Believe me.

And I'll love it
even more.

So, wait here, handsome.

Hmm.
How cute.

It looks just like
a small penis.

If you rub up against it,

It'll turn
into a big cadillac.

- Good evening.
- Ah.

I'm going to explain
this evening's menu to you.

Please don't interrupt.

As an appetizer, we have
duck sausage on a pizza

With salmon roe
and tomatoes

That have been dried
in the napa valley sun.

Duck pizza?

Uh-uh. I asked you
not to interrupt.

Please save your questions until I'm finished,
all right?

then we have the pitage
de fiddle fern.

A fern that
is organically grown

And clipped alive from the
evergreens in colorado.

Fiddle fern soup?

dad.

You're embarrassing me.

And for the main entree,

We have grilled,
free-range chickens.

That means they have been raised
in a stress-free environment,

Without fences
or any loud noises.

What the hell
is he talking about?

They got gay chickens
out here?

Shh.

Stress-free
chickens, dear.

Richard, could we have a
bottle of your best champagne?

It'll be
a pleasure, madame.

Make it two bottles.

- Of course.
- Thank you.

Well, tell us about
yourself, monique.

I'm what you call your
typical beverly hills girl.

You know, I grew up on the
left bank and rodeo drive

And eddie is just
so continental,

So, savoir faire,

That I just could
not resist him.

Our eddie?

Dad, your mouth is full.

Sorry.

You know, I just love a guy

Who knows how
to race fast cars

and climb mountains.

Are you talking
about him?

Mom.

You know
about my hobbies.

Oh, your hobbies.
Oh!

i could go on and on

About eddie's science project in high school.

did he tell you that
he won first prize

At the patawatabe
county fair?

He grew the biggest ear
of corn in the state.

I believe it.

Ooh!

Oh, man.

I had a bit
of an accident.

I'm sorry. Could you
excuse me a second?

I'm going to run
to the bathroom.

Excuse me.

You can't believe what
just happened out there.

I don't know what I'm
going to say, I mean--

Monique, you're not
supposed to be in here.

Why not?

Because it's
the men's room,

And those are
my parents out there.

What do you think
you're doing?

But that's what
makes it fun.

The thrill of doing
it in front of others.

I do, but I thought we were
going to go out and have dinner

And then maybe fumble
with our clothes later.

Oh, just an old-fashioned.

How cute.

Oh.

We were just leaving.

Come on. Let's go.
We got to go.

I'm sorry.
She wasn't feeling well.

I had to take care
of her.

Mom. Monique.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Have fun.
- See you later.

- Thank you.
- Always a kidder.

Bye, mom, bye, dad.

You know what?

I get the feeling that we're
not supposed to be here.

Don't be silly.

I practically live here.

Would you mind doing me
a teensy weensy favor?

Uh-oh.
What?

Would you mind
putting this on?

That's very funny.

Pretty please?

Are you serious?

It really turns me on.

really turns me on.

Well, if it turns you on...

It turns me on.

Monique?

Monique?

I'm over here.

I feel like I'm going
deep sea fishing.

You are.

Yeah?

Harry, look at this.

Oh, my god.

Fuck me.
Fuck me.

What's going on?
What are they selling?

fuck me.

Okay.

Ready?

Aah!

Where did I go wrong?

Mom, I'm so sorry.
It's not your fault.

My son, having sex
in front of 1,000 people.

It was six, tops.

Chuck, it's all
your fault.

If you hadn't let him come
out here to get corrupted.

In fact,
if your mother were alive today

To see what you have done to her grandson--

Oh, shut up.

Let's just get the hell
out of here.

You shut up.

And don't you ever tell me to shut up again.

Never, as long
as you live.

You just wait
until I tell my sister

Back in cleveland how
you're living out here.

It's disgusting.

Have a nice trip, aunt macie.

Mace, just get in the car.

Dad.

Shh, shh, shh.

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.

It'll all blow over, okay?
Just give her a couple of weeks.

I'll handle it.
Hmm? Hmm?

Okay, dad.

I love you.

I love you.

Sucker.

Mom, I'll call
you tomorrow, okay?

See you, chuck.

this has been the most
embarrassing night of my life.

Okay, look, but I got
a plan, okay?

See, your ad agency
is throwing a party

This weekend at the house.

What? Our house?

That's right, our house.

You see, every time these big
honchos from out of town come in,

They throw this party,
so what I want you to do is,

You bring her to the party,
you impress the shit out of her,

And then maybe
you'll get laid,

And it might
even be in a bed.

Hi.

Well, if it isn't
romeo again.

It's 2:30.

You're an hour late.

I know, I had a rough night.

What happened?

Her husband come
home too early?

i'm sorry.

I'll let her know
you're here.

Video valentine,
take 429. Rolling.

Action.

Hello, allow me
to introduce myself.

My name is edward hayes iii,

i am looking for a young,

Urban, professional woman

Who isn't into
one night flings,

Who would enjoy
eating white wine

And brie while
we watch a polo match.

Or perhaps a drive in my
jaguar, or maybe yours,

and then,

as we're standing
of the bow on my yacht,

I'll turn to you and say.

voulez, voulez vu
de voulez, vu?

It's a little
bit different.

I'm just going to go
touch up my makeup.

I'll be back
in a minute, okay?

Okay.

Whoa, look at you.

Nice going, man.
She's beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, she's
really great.

You keep your hands
off her, okay?

What am I going to do?

Try to pick up
your girl?

I'm your cousin, man.
I wouldn't do that.

Listen, she's nice.
She likes me.

Look, I think
this is your night.

Why?

There's some very important
people here from vidiocity,

Especially the head
of the new york office,

Kelly bones.

- You have to talk to her, it's very important.
- All right.

As soon as she gets here,
I'm going to point her out to you, okay?

Yeah.

- See you later man, have fun.
- All right, skip.

Oh, my god.

Peggy.

Peggy?

Well, if it isn't don juan.
What are you doing here?

Me? Well, I happen
to live here.

Sure, just like the movie
studio and the rock band.

I know, I know.
But it's true.

I happen to know that an
advertising agency owns this place

And they rent it out to my
friend jeff for photo sessions.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He's a friend
of yours?

- Yeah.
- Well, I know.

They do some work here,
but I live here.

I don't know whether
to believe you or not.

Well..

I guess
it doesn't matter.

No.

You want
to get a drink?

Anyway, weren't you
here with someone?

Hmm?

And she happens
to be my perfect match.

She's not perfect.

She is going
out with you.

just kidding.

So, I guess you won't be
coming in anymore.

- No, I guess not.
- too bad.

I was starting to look
forward to your tapes.

God knows why.

Well, I was starting
to look forward

To our little discussions.

God knows why.

Well, you found
ms. Right.

But you found
mr. Right.

So, why are you
sitting here with me?

Because I like the way the chive's
stuck between your teeth.

No.

I'm just kidding.

Eddie. She's here.

Hmm?

Oh... Skip, peggy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Okay.
I'll be right there.

- Come on.
- Okay, okay. Thanks.

Well.

Bye.

Bye.

What do you do?

I'm an actor/psychic.

Really? So am i.

I should have
known that.

Kelly, kelly, kelly.

well, it's not as if jack
doesn't have my number.

It was his idea
to have dinner.

I'll call him,
I'll talk to him.

I'll bury him.

When you sold them on
coupons for the blind?

What a concept.

Concepts, newcomb,
are everything.

If you don't have a concept,
you don't have a product.

Hi.

Who are you?

Hayes.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

Ms. Bones, ed hayes,
I work for you.

You do?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

I'm in charge
of alternate media.

Newcomb, tell you
about that?

No, he didn't.

You little rascal.

What's
this all about?

Uh, he's in, uh...

Handbills
and flyers.

This is my wife, betty.

Hi.

How do you do?

Excuse me.

Yes.
Ms. Bones?

I'm going after
the mtv generation.

Now, that's like
the zero generation,

Just a bit more yuppie.

Well, you seem to know
a lot about advertising.

What other firms
have you been with?

Well.

In cleveland I was
with a very small firm.

you've probably
never heard of them.

Oh, sure I have.

No, they were very small.

Well, was it
pinky and chico?

Hmm? Yeah.
That's it.

Pinky and chico.

Huh.

I was the head
of their youth department.

Nice try, kid.

Pinky and chico
are my dogs.

Oh, don't worry,
I like a man who lies.

But just not to me.

Newcomb...

Promote this kid.

I want to see him in the staff
meeting monday morning.

But-- kelly.

Don't but me, newcomb,
just do it.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Don't thank me,
ed, just be there.

Yes, ma'am.

Hayes, you little twerp.

Chill out.

Okay. Half-hour.

All right, bye.

There you are.

I've been looking
all over for you.

Yeah?

Well, I've been making a little
bullshit go a long way.

No kidding?

Um, let me talk to her a second.
I'll be right there, okay?

Okay.

Okay, bye.

You leaving?

Yeah.

Well, I was hoping
maybe we could talk,

You know,
a little bit more.

With who?
Mr. Multiple personalities?

Are you talking about
what happened in there?

okay.

I didn't want
to lie to that lady,

But it just goes to
show that sometimes

It's better not to tell
the whole truth.

Look, eddie,

It really was
nice talking to you,

Bu you got a girl, remember?

Come on, peggy, let's go.

Well, you better
get going.

You don't want to keep your
boyfriend waiting, do you?

No.

I don't.

Bye.

Sorry.

I'm sorry about that.

Who was that?

Oh, it was just this girl who
was just bothering me all night.

Why don't you take me
on a tour of the house?

Tour of the house?

I'd like that.

Are you talking
about rick?

The one with
the curved weenie?

That thing goes around
corners before he does.

I haven't been able
to walk straight for a week.

I'm going to go
put this on.

I'll be back
in a minute, okay?

Okay.

So, I'm off the coast
of jamaica, right?

I'm in this
cigarette boat,

I don't realize how
badly wounded I am.

I'm going 150 miles
an hour on the water.

I'm just slamming
into the waves,

I'm, like, plunging into
darkness, you know?

There's foam-- it's spraying
all over my chest and down.

♪ you're the one I dream of
when I go to sleep at night ♪

♪ you're fun to be with... ♪

Well, what do you think?

Unbelievable.

Does the name penod
mean anything to you?

Yes.

That was my name
in a previous life.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.

Sylvia?

Penod, what happened
to you?

You went out for a bundle of sticks,
you never came back.

Sylvia, it rained for 40
days and 40 nights, okay?

Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Wait. Wait.

What?

I'm not the guy
in the video tape.

I mean, I am the guy,
it was me,

But that's not me because
I don't have any money,

And I don't
have a jaguar,

And I don't
have a yacht.

I don't even eat brie.
I hate brie.

Look, I just want you
to like me for me.

I do.

I like a man who's honest.

Kiss me.

see that dog over there?

You mean spuds mackenzie,
the party animal?

That's not spuds mackenzie.
That's his look-alike.

that's the kinda bullshit that
goes down in this town. - i'll say.

Look at him,
working the room.

Tracey.

tracey?

Ahem!

Excuse me, buckwheat.

Do you know this guy?

Grow up, sparky.

At least he didn't stand me
up three nights in a row.

Uh-oh.

Don't ever talk to me
like that again.

Don't flex your muscles around here,
we're not impressed.

I'm impressed.

You're history, pally.

The party's over.

Oh, grow up.

You're such a child.

I'll be back for your lesson
in a minute.

Let's go, knuckle beat.

Yes, sparky.

Come on, get out.

please!

you having fun yet?

oh!

Oh, man.

well, that must hurt.

Guess it wasn't your
night after all. Huh?

You know, I got some bad
news this morning.

Your mom called my mom.

No more trust fund,

No more checks,
no more credit cards.

You mean with
your winning smile

And your "hey, dude"
attitude,

You couldn't bullshit
your parents anymore?

Hey, man,
why don't you ease up here a little? Okay?

I mean, my chicks
have run off

With some producer
at the party last night.

Well, someone must have come
along with a better line of b.s.

So much for your style
over substance.

Now what are you
going to do?

I don't know.

I have never been this
close to reality before.

I'll do
something though.

I'm going to come
up with some scam.

I don't know, but--
you got any ideas?

- Huh?
- yeah.

Maybe you could
get off your ass

And do something
constructive with your life

Instead of walking around
pretending to be something

You're not and acting
like such an asshole.

That's a wrong answer.

That is a wrong answer
from you, eddie.

I don't need this shit.
You know that?

I grow exotic herbs
in oregon,

And I'm looking for a
special girl, you know,

Like the kind of girl who
can rebuild a carburetor...

I like old movies...

Into french cuisine,
greek culture,

And water sports,
if you know what I mean.

...just like a little
wisp of pubic hair.

I like a girl
with a big ego.

Oh, yeah, and bodybuilding.

Bodybuilding?

Yeah, yeah. Well, I've won
a couple of contests.

What?

Mr. Pacoima.

More like
mr. Potato head.

hi. Can I help you?

Uh, yes, I had this video made,
and unfortunately...

eddie.

what happened?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just had a little
on-the-job accident.

Eddie.

Something I kind of wanted
to talk to you about.

What?

It's about, um, me
and my lifeguard.

Peggy, tell me.

No, never mind.
It's nothing.

I got to go.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

Yeah, sure.

What happened to you?

Hang gliding.

Next time you ought to hang on to the glider.

Hang on to the glider.

Hey, what are they filming
train wrecks here now?

Hey. Keep it
down out here.

i can't hear
myself breathe.

Well, if it isn't
little romeo.

Yes, ma'am.

it's my last time.

Oh, well, it's lucky
you came by today

Because we're
closed tomorrow

In honor of the great
occasion, right, peggy?

Right.

Aw, what the hell,
you've paid your dues, kid.

You go next.

- Wait a minute.
- I've been here--

Hey!

Or she'll bail
you out of jail.

cut. Time's up.
ha ha.

I think we have all
we need, mr. Kaminsky.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Now, if this is your
last visit, ed,

It's your last chance
for romance.

So, let's be
up and sexy.

No one ever got
a date by being a dud.

Are you a dud?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.
That a boy.

Of course not.

Action.

Look.

I just have one thing I want to
say to you women out there.

Whatever happened to
old-fashioned romance?

i mean, it used to be
two people could meet,

Maybe they'd fall in love,

But now that can't happen,

'Cause nobody knows
who they are anymore.

so, what is it, is it me?

i don't know.

Hey, wake up out there,
I'm talking to you.

Listen, why do people have to make
up who they are in order to be liked?

you would think that
in this crazy world,

There'd be a simple way
for two people to meet

And fall in love, but no,
that's not possible,

You have to make up
some cockamamie persona.

Why can't we get past what
kind of cars we drive

And what we look like and
what kind of jobs we have?

That stuff isn't important.

Listen, it seems to me that the reason
why there's so many single people

In the world is because nobody
wants to open their hearts anymore.

Look, everyone has
the right to fall in love,

And I just don't think
you should have to make up

Who you are
in order to do it.

That's it.

I give up.

Beautiful, kid.

That'll be 60 bucks.

Whoa.

Unbelievable.

Hey, tony.

You're late!

I know, I know, I know.

It's-- I don't know,
man,

I don't think I'm going to
be working here anymore.

I think I'm going
to head out of town.

I'm out of here.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, right?

So, where you goin'?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I just don't think
l.a.'S for me. You know?

probably go home
for a little while.

at least I understand
the people there.

Can I ask you
a question?

How come you
live in that box?

Come here, I'll show
you something.

Wow.

see, everybody lives
in a box, eddie.

Now, nobody envies me,

I have everything I need,

And I make a lot
of money on the side

Copywriting for my brother.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Now, I heard that you used
to sweep mines in granada.

Yeah. Well, I made that up.

See, in this town you can make
up whoever you want to be.

I heard that.

See, my problem is,

What do you do when you don't
know who you want to be?

Well, it seems to me

If you just keep on the road
you're on, you'll find out.

Look, I'm gonna go, okay?

My brother called.

He wants to know if you're going
to be at that monday meeting.

You want to work
for them?

Monday meeting, really?

I kind of got in under false pretenses.
You know?

There's nothing wrong
with false pretenses

As long as you know
the difference.

You could be right.

Send me a card.

All right,
I'll think about it.

See you later, tony.

So long, kid.

Yeah, what do you think?

You look great, man.

Why are you
dressed up?

Well, you see,
I thought about what you said,

And I got a job.

Job?

Yeah.

You got a job?

I'm driving a limo, man,
it is so big, man.

The possibilities
are endless.

Well, I'm proud
of you, man.

What are you doing
here, man?

I'm going home.

L.a. Is not for me, so...

Wait, wait.

Have you listened
to the phone machine?

No. Why?

You got about 100 calls
from chicks.

You got to-- come here.

This phone has been
ringing off the hook.

I mean, I don't know what you
did at that video service,

But whatever you did,
it worked.

Listen.

hello, eddie?

i just saw your tape,
and you are the most sexy

and honest guy
i have ever seen.

call me, donna k05-2021.

hi there, I was just
on the dating service,

and I just saw your tape.

you know, nobody has
ever affected me that way

you are so
incredibly sensuous.

i hope you call me because
i can touch your heart

just the way you touched--

That's great, but it
doesn't really matter,

'Cause I'm out of here.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't give up here, man,
because peggy kellogg called.

Remember her?
The party?

Listen.

hi. This
is peggy kellogg.

um, I've never
done this before,

but I just wanted
to call you

and tell you I really
admired what you said.

i'm sorry I misjudged you.

i really wish I had known
that part of you before,

because I really like you.

anyway, I wish things

had turned out
differently between us.

bye.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

What a jerk.

She doesn't sound
like a jerk.

No, man. Not her, me.

I got to talk to her.

I got to talk
to her right now.

So, what's stopping you?

So, so, what do I do?

We talk to her.
We find her.

You need a limo?

♪ I need love, love,
to ease my mind ♪

♪ and I need to find time ♪

♪ someone to call mine ♪

♪ my mama said,
you can't hurry love ♪

♪ no, you'll just
have to wait ♪

♪ she said love
don't come easy ♪

♪ it's a game
of give and take ♪

♪ you can't hurry love ♪

♪ no, you'll just
have to wait ♪

♪ just trust
in the good time ♪

♪ no matter how
long it takes... ♪

Huh?

Can I talk to you
for a second?

Yeah?

Hi. What do you know
about this wedding?

What's to know?

Some lady who works at the
service is getting married.

Who?

I don't know.

Marry?

Gee.

Peggy can't marry that guy,
that's not right.

I got to stop her.
Thank you.

♪ it's a game
of give and take ♪

♪ how long must I wait ♪

♪ how much more
must I take ♪

♪ before loneliness
will 'cause my heart ♪

♪ heart to break ♪

♪ no, I can't bear
to live my life alone ♪

♪ I've grown impatient
for a love to call my own ♪

♪ but when I feel that I ♪

♪ I can't go on ♪

♪ well, these precious
words keep me hanging on ♪

♪ I remember mama said ♪

♪ you can't hurry love ♪

♪ no, you'll just
have to wait ♪

♪ she said love
don't come easy ♪

♪ well, it's a game
of give and take ♪

♪ you can't hurry love ♪

♪ no, you'll
just have to wait ♪

♪ just trust
in a good time ♪

♪ no matter
how long it takes ♪

♪ now break! ♪

♪ now love, love,
it don't come easy ♪

♪ but I keep on waiting ♪

♪ anticipating
for that soft voice ♪

♪ to talk to me at night... ♪

What are you
going to say to her?

I don't know, man.

You got to think
of something.

I mean, it's just
impossible to--

Hi, how are you doing?

Wait! What
are you going to say?

I don't know!

♪ my mama said
you can't hurry love. ♪

Come on, open up!

Please?

Oh!

Shh, what's the problem?

I'm sorry, I'm late.

We're with the limo company.

I'm with him.

Wait a minute,
wait, wait, wait!

All right. Um...

Go back, go back,
go back, go back.

Eddie, what are you doing?

I know, I know,
I'm really sorry.

Um, listen,
I've got to talk to you for a second, peggy.

I have been thinking
about your message

And I have been
such a jerk,

And if you're marrying this guy
for any other reason than love,

You're making
a mistake,

And I know 'cause
I almost did it.

Yeah.

I am really sorry.

I am. I don't know
what to do.

I want to go out
with her.

Okay. Fine.
Go ahead.

What?

Eddie, I lied to you.

He's not my boyfriend,
he's my brother.

i sort of made that up.

You know, working in
a dating service and all,

But I'm not getting married.

she is.

Hi, kid.

Oh, my god.

i am so embarrassed.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Um, um...

Listen, I know this is
not the right place.

You know...

Would you go out
with me?

I don't know.

Which eddie would I be
going out with?

Me. This one.

Took you long enough
to ask.

I'd love to go out
with you.

Really?

Kiss her.

Kiss her.

Oh.

aw.

♪ I watched you walk
into the room ♪

♪ I want to say
this just right ♪

♪ if you're not waitin'
for somebody special ♪

♪ would you be
with me tonight? ♪

♪ I'm a doctor,
i'm a lawyer ♪

♪ I'm a movie star ♪

♪ I'm an astronaut,
and I own this bar ♪

♪ and I'd lie to you
for your love ♪

♪ yes, I'd lie to you
for your love ♪

♪ oh, I'd lie to you
for your love ♪

♪ that's the truth ♪

♪ I can tell you what
you wanna hear ♪

♪ and some secrets
about myself ♪

♪ I can tell you you're
the only one, baby ♪

♪ there'll never
be nobody else ♪

♪ I'm runnin'
for president ♪

♪ I got money to burn ♪

♪ my heart don't ache
and my body don't yearn ♪

♪ and I'd lie to you
for your love ♪

♪ oh, I'd lie to you
for your love ♪

♪ yes, I'd lie
to you for you love ♪

♪ and that's the truth ♪

♪ maybe it would be easier ♪

♪ just to come out
and say it ♪

♪ I've never seen anyone ♪

♪ quite like you ♪

♪ my family comes
from royalty ♪

♪ on my daddy's side ♪

♪ I can read
your palms and cards ♪

♪ and tell you, our love
just can't be denied ♪

♪ I'm a doctor, I'm a lawyer,
i'm a movie star ♪

♪ I'm an astronaut,
and I own this bar ♪

♪ and I'd lie to you
for your love ♪

♪ I'd lie to you
for your love ♪

♪ yes, I'd lie to you
for your love ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ and that's the truth ♪

♪ oh, that's the truth ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie, lie,
lie, lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie to you ♪

♪ oh, lie, lie,
lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie, lie,
lie, lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie to you ♪

♪ oh, lie, lie,
lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie, lie,
lie, lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie to you ♪

♪ oh, lie, lie,
lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie, lie,
lie, lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie to you ♪

♪ oh, lie to you,
lie to you, lie to you. ♪

♪ lie, lie, lie, lie,
lie, lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ and that's the truth. ♪