Original subtitles

I'm hosting a tournament.

And I invite the best drivers to compete.

[GROANING]

-John? -Quiet?

DOLLFACE: We call ourselves The Dolls.

The divide between insiders and outsiders

grows by the day.

I'm entering the tournament.

I'm gonna wish to bring down all the city walls.

It's bad out here, John. And it's getting worse.

MAN: This monster's after me. Who is he?

My best friend!

Unfortunately, you missed every major organ on his body.

STU: When you're the last survivor,

everyone will know Sweet Tooth is the best.

Look, I was thinking, come with me.

-You're lucky I'm available. -Ah!

DOLLFACE: I heard you and Quiet make quite the team.

JOHN DOE: Just like old times.

John and I are gonna take a detour.

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I'm Mayhem.

You're looking at the best driver

-on the West Coast. -Prove it.

You don't have a goddamn clue what you're doing.

MAYHEM: What the hell is that?

This wasn't on the final exam!

DOLLFACE: If you two are gonna win,

you're gonna need some special weapons.

And the most overpowered specials

can only be found in Diesel City.

That's cool, but we don't have any money.

We're gonna steal them.

[♪]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

You wanna steal a bunch of weapons out of this place?

Looks like you're gonna need a plan to do that.

Good thing I've got one.

So here's the deal.

The cardinal rule of Diesel City is no violence.

Dozens of snipers in there make sure of that.

You die, it's from their bullet.

Diesel City is for buyers only.

So whatever gas you bring

is swapped out for an in-house currency.

And while the bazaar has got a whole slew

of fine-ass weaponry,

the most lethal ordnance can be found

deep in the Emperor's inner sanctum,

locked away in a vault and for good reason,

these are game changers,

S-tier special weapons, the nasty shit.

MAYHEM: They have an emperor here? Sick.

DOLLFACE: The biggest hurdle will be opening up the vault.

The switch that controls the door

is way up there in the crow's nest.

So how do we get into the inner sanctum?

DOLLFACE: Only the highest paying customers are allowed.

And the people with the most money

are the representative from the insider cities.

I think the official term is a gaggle of fuck nuts.

You blend in with them,

get yourself a lanyard,

boom, you're in.

I'll take the lead on this one.

Really? You?

Yeah, me.

I used to live with insiders.

I know how their brain works.

Do you even know what an hors d'oeuvres is?

And you won't believe how they spell that shit.

Listen, how are we going to blend in?

I mean, we're filthy.

I don't even know whose blood this is.

Here you go.

Mr. and Mrs. Dipshit reporting for duty.

Okay, so while you two look for the vault,

I'll sneak up to the crow's nest and get the door open.

You have 30 minutes to get your asses there.

20 minutes, yeah.

What? 30 minutes.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

You got to be in and out, okay?

Mayhem, you'll stay back here.

Shit goes sideways, we might need a getaway driver.

Oh, hell yeah!

I'll totally drive us the fuck out of here.

She ready for this?

Yes.

Keys, bitch!

-[KEYS JINGLE] -Thank you.

Okay.

You two ready to debut the new spring collection?

MAYHEM: Wow.

You look like a loose turd.

Goddamn.

We good?

Yeah, we're good.

DOLLFACE: All right, let's go.

Bye. Don't die in there.

Offerings for the Emperor?

[SNIFFS]

20 pieces each.

Welcome to Diesel City, where commerce is created

and conflict is not tolerated.

Happy shopping.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Remember, vault door, 30 minutes.

JOHN DOE: That's a bold choice.

QUIET: Knights of Nebraska.

I heard they took over Topeka

and then killed what was left of the law.

Guess they can wear whatever funny fucking hats they want.

So this is Diesel City.

Ho-ly shit.

-Eight for all of these? -MERCHANT: Mmm-hmm.

And if you're interested, I'm running a sale on .40 caliber.

SWEET TOOTH: Hey, they got grenades. Can we have some?

We have grenades in the truck.

No, but these ones have little metal pieces in them.

I'll never ask for anything again.

Not this time. Thank you.

I know you're excited,

but you need to calm down a little bit, okay?

Remember, this is about us winning the tournament,

not about you buying whatever you want.

I do want to win the tournament.

Exactly. And these bullets I got us,

they're armor piercing.

-Pretty sweet, huh? -Yeah, I guess.

Trust me, you're going to have plenty of toys

to play with. Okay?

See, that's why I like working with you, Stu.

You do the premeditating. I do the murder.

Speaking of, I know killing is a big no-no around here,

but I'm pretty sure I can get away with it.

I mean, it can't be that hard.

MERCHANT: Stop, thief!

-[GUNSHOT] -[GRUNTS]

Oh, shit.

SWEET TOOTH: Oh! [LAUGHING]

Woo! Way to go!

You really misted that guy.

Oh, man, whew!

See, that's why you gotta behave.

They're always watching.

Where there's a willing clown,

there's a way to murder. Know what I'm saying?

Look, why don't you go pick out

something special for the tournament?

Here you go.

Get whatever you want, so long as it's useful.

Okay? Have fun.

And no murder.

Sure thing, Stu.

[LAUGHING]

[♪]

[BUZZER]

Okay. We need to get some lanyards without a fight.

Any ideas?

No.

Oh, way to take the lead.

Here comes some insiders. Okay.

Guess I'm gonna have to pull out the big guns.

Hello, boys.

Oh, you can't be serious.

Look, you're... you're a cute chick, Quiet,

but you look like you're trying to push out a fart right now,

[LAUGHING]

What are you doing here anyways?

You're supposed to be in the car.

Well, I'm helping your awkward asses.

-That's what I'm doing. -QUIET: Oh, shit.

JOHN DOE: Oh, where'd you get those?

Well, I asked nicely, and they just gave them to me.

-What do you think? -QUIET: Not bad.

Good pull, May.

No. No way. This guy doesn't even look like me.

-He wears glasses. -Oh. Got you covered, chief.

[SIGHS]

This isn't gonna work.

Huh, how is everything so crisp and clear?

What are you talking about?

You know how the world is usually blurry?

With these, it...

Well, you got to try these.

Like, have your eyes always been that color?

Well, I've done my job.

Hey, your job is getaway driver.

You're going back to the car, right?

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

Glasses.

They're working.

Welcome back, Mr. Davis.

Yeah, of course.

Ms. Tomaso.

And good tidings to you

from the fine people of Spokane.

Sure, whatever

Spokane go bragh.

Okay.

[BUZZER]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

JOHN DOE: We can tell Mayhem we found Fucknut Island.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER] -Oh, look, drinks.

Oh, hey, this flavor is intoxicating.

-Oh, damn, that is sweet. -Mmm-hmm.

Usually that means it's full of booze.

[GASPING] Oh, yeah, it is.

There's His Highness.

Yeah, so someone actually, like, killed my lube guy.

It's crazy. Like, who'd kill an essential worker?

I bet the vault's behind there.

So rude.

Okay, let's just lay low

-and make our way over. -All right.

-Just, you know, blend in. -Okay.

[♪]

Looking like we got a couple bogeys.

And now we have got to go, right now.

Go, go, go, go, go. Abort.

Well, well, well.

Where the fuck do you think you're going?

So, what exactly are you two up to?

Top of the morning to you, sir.

-I'm Deb from Spokane. -I can see your badge.

Yeah, I'm-I'm Rick, but you can call me, uh,

Big Rick from Kirkland.

Yummy.

You know, I've never heard a Spokane accent before.

It's fucking hideous!

I love it. [LAUGHING]

Stupid accent.

So what I want to know is,

what are you guys doing here together?

Kirkland and Spokane haven't had diplomatic relations

since the manure conflict.

Trying to turn my little weapons market soiree

into a peace summit, are we?

Oi, that we are, sir.

Guilty. [LAUGHING]

Oh, really?

Okay. [CHUCKLES]

How is Kirkland since the whole sabotage?

Uh, we're maintaining.

Poisoning their drinking water with laxatives was genius.

Break their sewers, fill their hospitals,

make them feel dirty for once.

Girl, Spokane don't play! [LAUGHING]

No, no, no!

Aye, we almost killed those bastards

-and their wings. -[LAUGHING]

Hmm. Is that even you?

[SPUTTERS AND CHUCKLES]

JOHN DOE: Uh...

Looks like someone benefited from those laxatives.

-Right? -[ALL LAUGHING]

Diarrhea looks great on you.

[GRUNTS]

He's still, uh, full of shite, though.

[LAUGHING]

Deb. I love Deb.

You know, it's so funny.

I can't understand a fucking word you're saying,

but this whole lovers from different towns,

Romeo and Juliet bullshit gets me rock fucking hard.

[LAUGHING] Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to go prepare for the main event.

Enjoy the auction.

Stay hydrated.

That was too fucking close.

-[GLASSES CLINK] -[SIGHS]

Mmm!

Ooh, banana-berry.

-That's fucking yum, dude. -Amazing.

Mmm!

15 coins for one missile?

That's highway robbery.

I can give you, uh, 12.

12? 12 is an insult.

Stu! Stuart!

Ta-da!

Hey, I need some of those coins back.

Sorry, fresh out.

This thing is gorgeous, right?

It's real velvet. Touch it.

You spent all of our money,

the money we need for actual weapons, on a stupid cape?

Watch this.

-Hey, what are you... -[BONES CRACK]

Shit!

I killed two other yo-yos like that the same way.

-No one even noticed. -Unbelievable.

Even when we have a plan,

you still just do whatever you want to do.

I don't think you understand.

I am investing in history,

because this cape belonged to Count Dracula!

No way that's true.

The vendor I bought this from was a learned man,

not a chance he would lie to me.

Regardless if it was owned by a Dracula,

the point is, I asked you one thing, one simple thing...

BURLY GUARD: You need to come with us, sir.

What? Why?

Sweet Tooth, a little help.

Sweet Tooth!

Catch you later, Stu!

Count Sweet Tooth is on the hunt.

Is he still looking at us?

JOHN DOE: Yeah.

Look, there's only 15 minutes left.

Let's just scope out what we want out of the vault.

Like this, Ghost Missiles.

I wonder if they can go through walls.

Every missile goes through walls.

Hmm. How about this?

Boomerang Blast.

Don't tell me they come back to you.

Oh, that would be so useless.

Don't be so quick to discount the Boomerang Blast.

It's more difficult to master, yes,

but it is one of our more lethal options.

It feels like ease of use

would be sorta key there.

A lady who knows what she wants.

If you prefer something a bit simpler,

may I suggest the Napalm Cones?

These rockets deploy liquid napalm.

They can melt an outsider's skin in seven seconds flat.

I'm assuming this is for perimeter defense, yes?

Oi, of course.

AUCTION HOST: New San Francisco

just implemented this system

and is very pleased with the results.

They cleared out an entire encampment

of pedestrians near their gates lickety split.

The smell will go away eventually.

That's fucked up, man.

[LAUGHING] It is, isn't it?

Oh, thank you so much, sir.

Keep it together.

The people outside the walls are just trying to hang on.

This guy's talking about them like they're roaches.

Every city has weapons like this now.

Every one.

Keeping people out isn't enough anymore.

They want them gone.

I know people on the inside, guards, even.

And they don't say anything about stuff like this.

Yeah. You think they would tell you?

Fuck them and fuck this.

We're taking them all down.

The system, the walls, all of it.

[GLASS CLINKING]

Okay, chin chin.

Everybody wrap up your biz,

and we will announce the winners

after playtime.

-Everybody follow me! -[CHEERING AND WHOOPING]

Come on, you little rats.

Come to your Pied Piper. [LAUGHING]

Playtime?

DOLLFACE: Hey, studs.

[GRUNTING]

SWEET TOOTH: Mind if I cape in?

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

DOLLFACE: Uh, thanks.

Well, thank you. Never killed with a lady before,

masked or otherwise. I'm...

Sweet Tooth. I know.

Ah, finally someone gets it.

It would be my honor to kill alongside you.

DOLLFACE: Whatever.

Oh, I like her.

[MUTED DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll take your coats.

Thank you, my good man.

Wear these.

One vulture, one holy man.

Are you leaving your bottoms on?

BOTH: Yeah.

Suit yourselves, weirdos.

-[LOUD MUSIC] -[PEOPLE MOANING]

FEMALE PARTYGOER: You like that, honey?

MALE PARTYGOER: Uh-huh.

MALE ADMIRER: Give me the package, milkman.

[LAUGHTER]

You love being on the outside, don't you?

Dirty little outsiders.

Yes, play your roles, you holy men, you butchers.

Revel in your lawlessness,

you nasty little vultures.

And remember, no pleasure is forbidden on the outside.

Hello, Mr. Holy Man.

I'm a ripe little trash boy.

Rip me open.

I understand role playing, man, but I'll pass.

You look awful thirsty.

How about a cup of freshly squeezed ass?

I've had my share of trash ass for today. Thanks.

Shoulders, Pantalaimon.

-This way. -[YELPS]

Our vulture nest was raided last week.

-Excuse me? -And it's all your fault.

Now you have to pay the price in skin.

Oh! Um, no, no, no thank you.

Oh, look, a holy man!

Oh, my skin is his prisoner now. Sorry.

-She was kind of hot, right? -Yes, absolutely.

Just trying a little too hard, you know?

-[MOANING] -FEMALE PARTYGOER: Harder!

His Majesty is looking at us.

Just, you know, play along.

-[GRUNTING] -Sell it.

Oh, yeah, I'm an outsider.

I deserve to be on all fours like a bad, bad doggy.

-[BARKS] -Yeah.

I'm a dirty doggy boy, too.

[GRUNTING AND PANTING]

[WHISPERS] Missionary.

[♪]

FEMALE PARTYGOER: Oh, don't stop, don't stop!

[MOANING AND PANTING]

This is really bad on the knees.

QUIET: Yeah, that's what I've been saying.

[HORNS BLOWING]

And now a treat.

I looked around Diesel City today

for the crudest, sweatiest,

most deliciously desperate outsider I could find.

And then I brought him back here so we could punish him

-with pleasure. -[CHEERING AND WHOOPING]

Ladies and gentlemen, behold your King of Dirt.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Have you guys tested out this machine?

They're distracted. Let's move!

John!

It's me, Stu.

It calls itself Stu.

-[PARTYGOERS MOANING] -Stu. Stu. Stu.

Oh, this is a sex thing?

Did I win a contest or something?

Stu. Stu.

Stu, Stu, Stu.

[♪]

QUIET: Just a few lasers between us and the weapons.

JOHN DOE: Not just lasers. Shit.

We're cutting it close.

Allow me.

-[GRUNTS] -Oh, shit.

[GRUNTING]

[CHOKING]

[SQUELCHING AND GURGLING]

Oh. Fuck yeah. Coming.

SWEET TOOTH: Hey, hey, you ever had a foot long?

I mean, it's not just more dog.

See, the ratio of bun to dog

varies the flavor in a very specific way.

DOLLFACE: Fascinating.

SWEET TOOTH: Yeah, I think so, too.

[DOLLFACE SIGHS] And you're coming in, I guess.

SWEET TOOTH: Um, so-so are you normally a solo assassin,

or is this, like, a special occasion?

DOLLFACE: I do what it takes.

Oh, cool. Real go-getter, cool.

Just like myself.

Have you ever maybe considered teaming up?

I mean, obviously I'm spoken for,

but I don't know, I might be convinced

to maybe take on a third.

HVAC, water... Wait.

EMP?

They've got an electromagnetic pulse generator?

DOLLFACE: Killing electricity on demand could be a game changer.

Especially at a tournament.

-I call dibs. -Finders keepers.

Losers weepers. [GRUNTS]

JOHN DOE: Shit, they got a lot of lasers.

This one's on me.

[♪]

[GRUNTING]

[♪]

["WHAT IS LOVE" BY HADDAWAY PLAYING]

♪ What is love

♪ Baby don't hurt me

[GRUNTING]

♪ Don't hurt me No more ♪

♪ Baby don't hurt me

♪ Don't hurt me No more ♪

[GRUNTING]

♪ What is love

[BEEPING]

♪ Yeah

[GRUNTING]

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Hey, get your thumb outta there!

[BUZZER]

♪ I give you my love And you don't care ♪

♪ What is right

♪ What is wrong

♪ Give me a sign

♪ What is love

[SQUEALING]

[ELECTRICAL HUMMING]

♪ Don't hurt me No more ♪

What about the weapons?

Dollface said we have to be in and out.

I'll be done in two and a half.

[MOANING]

♪ Don't hurt me No more ♪

[SPARKING AND WHOOSHING]

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Oh-whoa, whoa

[DOOR BANGING]

[THUDDING AND BUZZING]

[GRUNTS]

♪ Oh-whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Uh-huh

[♪]

Wait! Where are your glasses?

-Is that better? -Oh, my God!

[♪]

♪ I don't know What can I do ♪

♪ What else can I say It's up to you ♪

♪ I know we're one Just me and you ♪

♪ I can't go on

♪ What is love

[PANTING] Damn.

How the hell do you get out of this place?

♪ No more ♪

♪ What is love ♪

♪ Baby don't hurt me

♪ Don't hurt me No more ♪

[PANTING]

No more sex. I'm depleted.

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Holy shit.

Holy shit! Jackpot!

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Oh-whoa, whoa, uh-huh

♪ What is love ♪

[GRUNTING] And stay down!

[GRUNTING]

Who wears a fucking cape?

Damn, kid.

SWEET TOOTH: Curse this high quality velvet!

[YELPS]

[ALARM BLARING]

-[SWEET TOOTH GROANS] -Mayhem, heads up!

Run, you little psycho!

[GRUNTING]

Masked lady!

MALE PARTYGOER: Hey! What's happening?

-MAN: Is that an alarm? -Halt!

What have you got there, Stu?

You dare steal from me

after I gave you the gift of flesh?

-[SNAPS FINGERS] -Kill him.

You didn't fuck me.

I fucked you.

-[GUNFIRE] -[SCREAMING]

[PANTING]

-Oh, shit! Oh, shit! -Uh-huh, uh-huh.

-The alarm! -Uh-huh.

Oh, my God, we gotta go.

Did you finish?

We really got to go.

JOHN DOE: Where are all the weapons?

Where are our clothes?

BOTH: Fuck!

This is what I get for trying to collaborate.

Get out of my way. [GRUNTS]

CITIZEN 1: Someone got attacked.

GUARD: Snipers down!

RIOTER 1: Grab everything!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING AND FIGHTING]

[GROWLING]

This is my kind of party!

-Sorry! -Excuse me, sorry.

[CHEERING AND SHOUTING]

[WHIMPERING]

Come on! It's fucking cold in here.

[GRUNTING]

[GUNFIRE]

-SWEET TOOTH: You! -DOLLFACE: Oh, hell yeah.

Giddyup, bitch.

Oh, where the fuck is Mayhem?

[ENGINE REVVING]

Where the hell have you been?

That doesn't really seem like

the most important question to be asking right now.

Looking good, guys.

May, you take Shrapnel.

I've got my own pony.

Yee-haw, Kit-Kat!

[ENGINE REVVING]

Hey! Who's that bloody guy?

Drew.

Drew? Drew!

Hey, Stu, you look kinda different.

I killed them. I killed them all.

You mean, like dead-dead?

Yeah. It was awesome.

I knew you could do it, Stu.

Gosh, I'm proud of you. Can't believe I missed it.

It's okay. I got you a consolation prize.

Okay, okay. Calm down, Stu.

Yeah. Yeah.

Napalm cones? My favorite!

Stu, remember this day,

for on this day you had your first massacre.

You became a man,

and this was your gore mitzvah.

Tell me everything.

I also had a lot of sex.

Gross. I don't want to hear about any of that.

Decorum!

How did you get an EMP?

All we got was armor piercing bullets

and missiles that come back to you.

I mean, that's not all you got.

Ugh, you're nasty.

What can I say? We make a good team.

That we do.

I hope it's enough to win the tournament.

I'm not sure it is.

Ever since I met you guys, I've seen a car man,

A weird grim reaper biker dude,

and a killer clown.

You're going to need someone to watch your back,

which is why I'm entering, too.

What about the Dolls?

The Dolls have their orders.

Think about it. Roadkill is fast.

You take the lead. I set up the EMP.

Boom! No more competition.

We race to the finish and make our wish.

And it ends before it even starts.

MAYHEM: And in Shrapnel I'll be fucking unstoppable.

Also, do we have any T.P.?

-Yeah, got some in the car. -MAYHEM: Thank you!

Uh-huh. Hold tight.

Tell me again about the cabin.

[SCOFFS] You know I've never been there, right?

I know. Just...

You know, tell me anyway. Make it up.

[SIGHS]

-The air is sweet. -Hmm.

At night all you can hear are the owls and...

stars as far as the eye can see.

-QUIET: Kind of like now. -JOHN DOE: Yeah.

[♪]

Tournament starts tomorrow.

You think we'll win?

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]