All language subtitles for On.The.Buses.S03E06.iNTERNAL.DVDRip.x264-TABULARiA

Hang on, what's this here then?

I don't know, it's all in gibberish.

No, that's the Indian bit of it.

Oh yeah?

Oh yeah.

Oh, I know!

That's the Indian dooner of it tonight.

Oh yeah?

Fancy going?

Well, it's a bit of a lot.

They've got a sense of humour, haven't they?

Yeah, all busmen invited.

Even whites.

Anyway, listen, I want to get to know this Indian bird here.

Oh, Fatima!

Oh, blimey, mate, you don't stand a chance there.

Two teas, please, love.

Why not?

Well, I mean, she fancies me.

I'm her type.

I suppose you think that if she sees you in your wire front, she'll think

you're Gandhi.

Listen, mate, I am well in there.

Didn't you see the look she gave me while I was having me lunch?

I mean, she didn't give you an extra dollop of treacle on your pudding.

Just as well I was having egg and chips.

Come on, let's sit here.

Not there, look!

Blimey, it's all cluttered up, mate.

Yeah, exactly.

Fatima will have to come and clear it, see?

Very clever, mate.

Hello, darling.

Do you like it here, then?

We're wasting our time, mate, I think.

Well, she's only just arrived.

I don't think she speaks the lingo.

Heads up, there's Dracula.

Hello, Blakey.

What have you got there?

Tomato soup or clipper's blood?

Well, it can't be bus driver's blood, can it?

Because I ain't got none.

Blakey, come and sit down here, look.

Stay out of me, I've got a problem.

Well, you want to be joined to belong to the human race.

Look, mate, you speak the Indian lingo, don't you?

I mean, you was there during the war.

Yes, I had four years out there under Mountbatten to free the world for the

likes of you idiots.

Yeah, yeah, all right, all right.

Look, Blakey, listen, Blakey, listen.

All we want to know, we want to say in Indian to this bird here, we want to say

we think you're a smashing bit of stuff.

What's that?

I might have known it was going to be something like that.

Look, Blakey, what do I say to her?

I mean, you must have chatted up the birds in India.

I did nothing of the kind.

I treated them properly with respect.

Oh, come out of it, mate.

You were there for four years.

Surely you, um...

Well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, especially in that age.

I did nothing of the kind.

Besides, I had my job to do.

I was in transport.

I used to have to manhandle the mules.

Mules?!

Go on, you can laugh.

I used to lead them mules 500 miles, right through jungles, mountains,

monsoons, right through the swamps, aerial bombardments, right through the

enemy lines, and I still used to get there every month on schedule.

Land ho!

Go on, laugh.

Mock everything that's just.

You can't even drive a bus from here to the cemetery gates and back again on

time every week.

Look, simmer down, mate, simmer down.

All we want to know, all I want to know to say in Indian is, please will you

come out with me tonight?

Oh, Stan, look at you.

I haven't got a clue.

Look, how do I say to her, what about some fish and chips and a quick snog

behind the boozer?

You can't talk to them girls like that.

You've got to treat them properly, politely.

Well, that is polite for him.

Usually you don't ask.

Now you listen to me, you two.

If you're thinking of going to that coloured busman's social tonight, you've

got to behave yourself.

That girl's got to be treated properly, with respect.

All right, there'll be no discrimination.

I shall treat her exactly the same as I do the other birds.

Yeah, filthy beast.

But don't worry, mate, he don't stand a chance.

Not unhurtly, does he, my darling?

Mate, get a move on.

I don't want to miss anything.

What's that you've got there?

Oh, it's me washing for the laundrette.

Well, don't take it in there, mate.

Put it in the locker room.

Well, I'll let you get in there for a chat up the birds first.

Not likely, mate.

Oh, I'm never anything like it, mate.

Ah, welcome to our little gathering.

Oh, yes.

That's not where we're at.

Well, sorry we're late, Ahmed.

It's all right.

I have kept a plate for you.

Oh, thank you.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you.

Hello, Blakey.

What are you doing here?

Shh.

Take your shoes off.

Eh?

Take your shoes off.

I can't get on with myself.

Do you know they could leave the Commonwealth over you, too?

Probably let our side down, haven't you, eh?

Listen.

Beautiful music, this.

Ah.

Barmy nights in the mess at Bankypore.

Oh, love it.

Why don't they play something you can recognise?

That happens to be one of the Beatles' latest hits.

Bravo!

Here, Ahmed.

Is Fatima here?

Yes.

She will be bringing you some refreshment now.

Oh, good.

Let's face it.

It's a lot better than the old skirting jumper, isn't it?

Fatima is dressed like that because she is going to entertain us later on.

Yeah, she's entertaining me already.

Fatima is going to dance for us.

Is she?

A special Indian dance.

Right, yeah.

Hey, look where she keeps her earring.

I wonder where she keeps the rest of her jewellery.

Here, how's she holding that in?

She must have a left-hand friend.

You like good food?

Oh, blimey, she speaks English.

Oh, yes, I would like some.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

You like it?

I make it myself.

Yes, it's great.

It's sensational.

Go on, blimey!

Hey, what's that you're eating, Stan?

Well, I could tell you.

Go on.

I think it's an Indian gobstopper.

In front of you, Fatima is going to present her Sarab dance.

Wow, wow, wow.

Lovely.

What's he talking about?

I think he's a Sarab-khanat.

Is he?

Oh, good luck then.

What's that mean?

Fatima's going to do a dance.

Ah, that's right.

Oh, blimey, she got a snake.

What's she doing?

That's the Fasani Khanach Hai.

It's the Indian fertility dance.

It's very successful.

Yeah.

No wonder they've got a big population.

Oh, blimey, she gets me going when she's just clearing the tables.

I tend to think what's going to happen if she doesn't stop wriggling about with

that snake.

That's very artistic.

That girl has to rehearse that all day long.

Do you know that?

What's she rehearsing?

She's doing a roly-poly.

Look at his little tongue.

Don't move or she'll have you.

I tell you what, mate, that's put me right off at Jelly Deals.

Oh, blimey.

Thank you very much, Mr. and Mrs. Rand.

The macknapalji was delicious.

Well, blimey, that seems to be the end of the party, mate, doesn't it?

Yes, lovely party.

Have you seen Jack?

Yes, he's just gone out to the joint somewhere.

Listen, before he comes back, listen, how do I say in Indian, please, will you

come out with me tonight?

How do you know?

I just asked Fatima and she said yes.

What?

Late again, butler.

Don't be late in the morning, will you?

Where are you rotten?

Oh, well, I just happened to bump into her.

I bet you did bump into her.

All right, if you don't believe me, ask yourself.

I'm well in there, mate.

Oh, well, I'll ask her.

We'll see as you go out, won't you?

We'll see.

You ready, love?

Yes, me.

Fatima, is that right, you're going out with Jack tonight?

Yes, is that all right?

Oh, yeah, all right, don't I?

Well, enjoy yourself, then.

Yeah, let's go, then.

Yes, I just have to take my snake.

Snake?

God, blimey, not bringing that thing.

I just have to take my snake home.

I take my snake in the basket.

I hope the three of you will be very happy.

See, isn't she right?

You ain't like telling fellas.

Look, Fatima, we can't take a snake into an English pub.

I've no one to take him home for me.

Oh, God almighty.

Ah, look, would he be all right in there, huh?

Oh, yes.

He sleeps anywhere.

Right, I'll just take the old clothes out, then.

That's lovely.

Right, you shove him in there.

That's the way.

Oh, he's big, isn't he?

Yeah.

Right.

That's it.

Put him in.

Right, that's it.

Oops.

Yeah, my friend Stan will take him home.

And we'll collect him later.

Let's just put that on there to keep him warm.

That's it.

Stan's a great snake lover.

What a mug!

He's lumbered with a snake, see?

It's a new gimmick, got it?

She don't take a mother, she takes a snake.

Er, Stan, look, er, I've got a bit of a problem.

I bet you have.

Yeah, well, I was just wondering if you could take my washing home and I'll

collect it in the morning.

Yeah, of course I will, mate.

I mean, you need both your hands, won't you?

I hate to stop that dirty, slimy snake crying up your trouser leg.

Stan?

Stan?

I have something for you.

Ah.

I'm sure your family would like to taste Indian sweetmeat.

Yeah, they would, Ahmed.

Thank you very, very much indeed.

Oh, aren't that nice of him, eh?

Hey, I'll put it in your bag.

Oh, God.

Where's he, mate?

Lumbered with a snake.

God, what a mug, eh?

Anyway, I'll be going now, mate.

Now, what have you got in here?

Lead?

Er, no, it's the washing, it's a bit damp.

Damp?

Must be ringing wet, but I feel it is.

Anyway, I'm going home now.

I'll tell you what, mate.

If you feel anything bite in the back of your neck, make sure it's her and not

the snake.

Hi, Ahmed.

Hello, Stan.

Hi, Ahmed.

How are you, mate?

All right, Mum?

I thought you was going to be late.

What happened?

His bird probably said no.

Oh, was it a nice party?

Yeah, it wasn't bad at all.

They had a bird, an Indian bird called Fatima, and she did a snake dance.

A snake?

Yeah, a dirty, great, long thing, about ten foot long it was, and it twisted

itself all round her body, you know.

I dare say she's a very nice girl, but her ways aren't her ways.

Imagine my Olive doing a thing like that.

I don't know.

She got in a few peculiar positions this morning when she tried to put two feet

in one tight.

Don't you love my glasses on?

Oh, wasn't that funny?

No, I wasn't laughing at you and her.

No, I was just thinking about Jack.

Oh, go on.

Stay.

You see, he was breaking his neck to date this bird, see, Fatima, and

eventually he did it, you see.

Then she said, oh, I've got to take my snake home with me.

What a mug!

Imagine being in love with a snake.

Anyway, I'll put this in the oven.

Whose bag's that, then?

Well, it's Jack's, isn't it?

Well, I mean, he needs both his hands to hold up the snake, doesn't he?

Oh, stay!

Oh, I nearly forgot.

Here, this fellow Ahmed, who ran this Indian dude down there, he brought me

some sweetmeats to give to you.

He's a nice bloke, you know.

I want you to try one, Mum.

Do you try one?

Yeah, they're safe to eat.

Aye.

Olive, you try one first.

Yeah, Stan, this one's had a bite taken out of it.

Has it?

I never noticed that before.

Ah, perhaps it got broken off in the bag.

Now then, which one shall I have?

Now, wait a minute, Mum.

Now, you see that one there, those there?

They've got that white powder on them.

They're a sort of...

Ahmed told me, a sort of a love potion.

It is, yeah.

And he called it, um...

An aphrodisiac.

Oh, so I didn't know you spoke Indian.

Happens to be English.

It's probably powdered rhinoceros horn makes you eager for love.

Oh, we never had anything like that in my day.

What your dad couldn't do in beer and shrimps, he didn't do.

I don't think them Indian sweets work.

It does, I tell you.

Ahmed said so.

It's a love potion, and it sort of makes you sort of, uh...

Well, you know.

Oh, Stan, really?

Here, Arthur, you have one.

Go on.

It'd be a pity to waste them, wouldn't it?

There's a bit of a funny smell.

Do you want...

What?

Have a smell.

Hey, that's not those sweets, that's that bag.

What's he got in there?

Dad, get out of it.

That's Jack's washing.

That's personal.

He was bringing it back from the laundrette.

Bringing it back?

By the smell of it, you've all been taking it.

These sweets are quite nice.

Arthur, that bag wobbled.

What you on about?

It wobbled all on its own.

Doubt.

What do you mean it wobbled?

It did.

It went in and out.

In and out?

Don't be daft.

Oh, it's them Indian sweets.

You don't know what's in them.

They can do some funny things with their herbs.

She might be going into a trance.

She's been in a trance all her life.

Well, you know how sensitive she is.

She gets hot flush if she has a wine gum.

It wobbled.

It didn't wobble.

The only thing that wobbles is you.

I know I saw it move.

I'm going to bed.

I know I'll wobble when I see one.

Here, wobbler.

Take that bag out with you.

I can't stand that pong any longer.

What's Chelsea going to do?

Well, it'll win a course, won't it?

I'm worried about Olive.

Why?

Well, she's peculiar seeing things.

She's not herself at all.

I wouldn't say that.

Mum!

Oh, God.

Now what's happened?

Oh, you know her.

She's probably seen a spider.

Oh, God.

Get yourself moving.

What's the matter with you?

Olive, you shut up.

You shut up.

My God.

Olive, Olive.

Where are you?

Where are you, Olive?

There's a snake after me.

I saw a snake.

There you are.

That's you talking about snakes.

Do you know how she thinks with her stomach?

Look, come out.

There's nothing here.

Come on, love.

Out of the bathroom.

I tell you, I saw a snake.

A great big green and brown.

Look, darling.

It's your imagination.

Look, there's nothing here.

No, I think it went in the loo.

Oh, I suppose it was passing.

It got took short and went in.

Oh, go on.

You're all right.

There's nothing here, love.

Go on, get in there.

See, mum's with you.

You're all...

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

No!

It's trap me behind the door.

I'll get it!

Right.

Now, dad, do you mind telling me how that snake got in the house?

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, I know how he's done it.

It's jack.

You won't last see him.

Do you know what he's done, see?

He's put the snake in the bath.

Put his laundry on top.

Got me to take it home.

That's what's happened.

I see.

Well, you've got it in the house, you get it out, mate.

Come on.

No!

No!

No!

No, no.

It's not used to me, see.

But you said it was tight.

Yeah, well that it is with a girl see it's only a girl can get out see Olive

you get it out Smash the water on

her face.

I ain't got no time for that here.

Bring her knickers out on her I'll

do the snake Evening Perhaps it's gone back in the loo Well nip out there and

shut the door it quickly.

Yeah, well, perhaps we better let it quiet down first.

Oh, no Well, I'll have a peek then Just a bit.

Yeah, what just a little It's

not even though perhaps it's called down the stairs.

Oh my god It's coming out of mom's bedroom He's

that's like all right.

All right.

Oh, no, it's come off in me Where

is it now?

It's called up on the rug Look Mike that is sitting out there waiting

for us.

It can smell us you speak for yourself What do you mean smell us out finish

medicine doors shut look Mike I can smell him So I'm ready sure he can smell

us.

Well, perhaps it'll go away when he gets angry Look, then you get fed once

every three weeks.

Oh, and then you have to give him a live rabbit Oh god, thank heavens.

I put the cat out.

Oh All right, mr.

Clever dick what you've got to do now All right going out there.

Yeah Open the window a shout for help.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah Somebody answered

what do you say?

Shut up?

Oh blimey what a neighbourhood yeah, you've got a piercing voice you you shout

out all it Oh, no laughing what the neighbours would think my pick up.

It was attacking her.

That seems a reasonable assumption Go blimey, is that the best you can do

you sound like tiny Tim on one of his off days I've never had to shout for help

before.

That'll come well believed Let me have a go.

They're sure to come when they hear a poor old widow What's happened now, oh

blimey I swallowed a moth Amazon I'm coming up.

I must all be upstairs.

I wouldn't have gone out without shutting the back door Oh Come

on what's wrong?

Hey Stan you upstairs?

We're trapped in the bathroom.

The slates got loose No, no, Marty.

Yeah, Fatima's here.

Where is it?

It's gone quiet as she got it, yeah Do your stuff And she got him in the bag,

yeah a jack don't go I want a word with you Just one and I'll kill him Now

don't come out Stan.

It's still loose.

Oh Stan come out now.

It's in the bag right over that door.

Don't let him get away I'll open it.

You need a battering ram to get this door down.

I'll effuse your head

I