Original subtitles

Why are you looking at me like that?

Why are you humming?

Why do you care? Who's on trial here?

Can't a woman hum without getting the third degree?

Well, you do seem awfully happy, Kate. Is there something you want to tell us

while you're adding a little vanilla to the waffles?

Not a thing.

Did you just sniff me?

Maybe. Hey, stop it.

Uh -huh.

Well, well, worried I might find this.

Empty cinnamon bun containers. Two of them. What the hell is your problem?

Let me spell it out for you.

Ed Gibb, the gifter, flew to New York this morning for a conference with a

school principal.

Let me spell it out a little more for you.

Flight to New York.

Airplane. Airplane. Airport.

Airport. Place where people buy...

massive cinnamon buns.

You drove Ed Gibb to the airport.

No, I didn't. Well, there's two options then, Kate. Either you drove him to the

airport or you drove him to the airport alone at 7 a .m. to eat two sofa -sized

cinnamon buns.

Okay, fine, I did it. All right, I drove Ed to the airport. We had coffee and

cinnamon buns.

You didn't bring one for me.

No big deal. He needed a ride. I gave him one. End of story. Nah, unless

are hot and heavy, you don't give someone a ride to the airport.

You know, this kind of reaction is exactly why I didn't want to tell you

about me and Ed.

And I want you both to promise that you're not going to tell the kids.

Just in case this thing with Ed turns out to be nothing, I don't want them to

get all worked up for no reason.

Well, they won't hear it from me. Yeah, not going to hear it from me. I'm

trained in Army intelligence.

My mind is like a five -foot -thick lead safe.

Nothing gets out.

And nothing gets in.

You won't believe what I can't tell you.

What? I can't tell you.

Fine. No, no, no. I've been trained not to crack.

Would you please leave? Oh, I get it. You're messing with my mind, making it

topsy -turvy.

I take it. Your mom drove Principal Gibb to the airport. Not only did she drop

him off, she walked him in. They had cinnamon buns. Oh, my God.

That's the longest I've ever held out.

I feel good about myself.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just working out a little bit.

Just working out?

Or working off cinnamon buns?

I'm talking about you driving Principal Gibb to the airport and then trying to

hide it.

I didn't try to hide it. I chose not to tell you because it's no big deal.

Oh, really? And what else have you chosen not to tell me, Mom? If that's

your real name.

Trust me, Bridget.

Ed and I are just friends.

If there was something to talk about, I would have brought it up. Well,

apparently it was important enough to mention to other people.

All right. Who told you?

Maybe that's not important.

Fine.

Don't give me their name.

Just give me the initials.

Hmm.

C .J.

That's all you're getting out of me.

Hey, Gramps. You want to go talk the ball around?

Yeah, sure, as soon as you finish your homework.

I don't have any.

Tomorrow's ditch day.

Ditch day?

It's the day when the teachers let us ditch school.

You have to show up so they can take attendance.

Something about not losing federal funding.

But then the day is yours.

Hey, Grandpa. Hey, dork.

What are you doing for ditch day, honey? Oh, I'm going to school. I don't

believe in ditch day. I believe in bettering myself through education.

And you're calling me a dork?

Yeah, because you are a dork. Yeah, well, you're a goody two -shoes. Okay,

because I want to do the right thing does not mean I'm a goody two -shoes.

Actually, that's the definition of a goody two -shoes.

Grandpa!

Okay, wait. What's the definition of a dork?

You're looking at him.

Grandpa. Hey, don't hate the player. Hate the game.

CJ promised he wouldn't say anything. And I swear, in the next minute, he told

Bridget. I wish I was there. I could hurt him for you.

Really? Oh, I would hurt him. I'd hurt him bad.

What would you do?

Well, to start with, I would take away his parking privileges.

Go on.

Yeah, and then when he went to sit down, I would pull his chair right out from

under him.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

Well, then I'll say it again.

I would pull his chair right out from under him.

That just sounds so sick.

Are you eating something?

Yes, peanuts.

Well, now you ruined it.

Actually, to tell you the truth, you know, there is something I could do to

It would be really underhanded, and it would involve an abuse of my powers.

You'd do that for me?

Say the part about the chair again.

Uh, you know, I would, but I actually have to go. But I'll call you tomorrow.

All right.

I'll be at my office at 10.

And by the way, I'm going to a big dinner with some school administrators,

there's going to be chairs everywhere.

Bye, Ed.

So this is how it's going to be, huh?

Wanda Lennison, slip of the tongue, you run to the boyfriend for revenge.

What are you talking about?

It's ditch day, all right? Now I'm a full -time teacher. I was planning on

nothing. But you got Principal Gibb to make me cover detention.

He did that?

I love that.

You're evil.

You're both evil. It's like an evil, unholy love connection.

Oh, be quiet.

You blabbed. You deserve to be punished.

Aunt Kate, you may know the top dog at this school, but outside these walls,

don't want to mess with me.

Outside these walls?

You live in my basement.

I think we understand each other.

Whoa, whoa, you're coming with me. Why?

Because you sold me out to your mom. Now I have to cover detention. You're going

to keep me company. Uh, no. No, no, no. It's ditch day and I've got bigger

plans, so sayonara, amigo.

Whoa, no. That's it. You got detention.

Why? For talking back to a teacher in two languages.

Whatever. No, come on. Oh, please.

Ow!

My spine!

Now you have detention for hurting a teacher's spine.

Oh, CJ, please. Everyone knows you don't have a spine.

Detention. What? Detention!

Everybody, just because we turned a blind eye to our students on Ditch Day

doesn't mean that we can't all do something worthwhile.

I mean real.

Isn't somebody making margaritas?

Oh, that must be the must -do.

Carrie, what are you doing here?

Mr. Clodney, I've been waiting for you to start history class.

Carrie, it's a ditch day.

If you didn't show up, I probably wouldn't even notice.

But I did show up, and I want to learn.

Can't you talk to her?

I'll be waiting outside your classroom.

I don't know where I went wrong. with that one.

Nice try, Loose Lips, but this is a tension, not a rock and roll concert.

Whatever. You know what? Let me check my notes. It's not a cell phone party

either. Are you guys going to keep this up all day? Because if you are, I'm

going to jab a pencil into my brain to make the sound go away.

Yeah, you know what?

Do it in the front. It might make it nicer.

CJ, you don't understand. I've been planning this... which they prank all

I was going to steal the mascot from Taft High, you know, the goat. I thought

was the Taft Tigers.

Praying a tiger around would be cruel and humiliating.

They put the goat in a tiger suit.

Oh, and you're going to steal it and the goat's going to be in the tiger suit.

That's excellent, but you can't because you're in detention all day.

I hate you. Why? Because I am beautiful.

Well, I'm going to run out and get myself a snack.

Don't try to follow me. You can't leave. There's laser sensors everywhere.

Nice job, loser.

The whole school was counting on you to steal that goat. Oh, I can still get the

goat. Just give me your cell phone.

Give me a reason.

I am student body president, and if you don't give me a phone so I can steal a

goat, I can have you arrested.

I've been arrested. It's no biggie.

Well, I can have your school picture taken out of the yearbook.

Hey, I thought we were playing charades.

I'm expecting a phone call. I'll be right back.

Oh,

it is going to be on the phone. It's not like he can see you.

Mom.

It's almost 10. I mean, what are you doing here?

I'm depressed.

Tell me all about it. Where do I start?

Somewhere near the end.

Danny's brother was going to drive us to the mall.

Then Big Joe showed up and there wasn't enough room in the car, so they ditched

me. Can you believe it?

Ditch on ditch day.

I don't have any friends.

Oh, honey.

Come here.

Okay, off you go.

Hello? Hey there.

Uh, hi.

Uh, yeah, this is Nurse Hennessy. How may I help you?

Oh, I see. So you, uh, got somebody there with you, eh?

Yes, that is correct.

So should I respect that and let you gracefully get off the phone, or should

get flirty again and embarrass the hell out of you?

Thank you.

Actually, we have all the gauze that we need, although I may be running low

on tongue depressors.

Perhaps you could call back in 20 minutes?

Will do.

Okay. Bye.

Did that guy just call you cutie pie?

Those pharmaceutical reps, they'll do anything for a sale.

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for Mr. Kolodny. He's like a half hour late for my history class.

Uh, Care Bear, Mr.

Kolodny is in the teacher's lounge getting a scalp massage.

You're such a goody two -shoes.

I am not.

And at least my friends didn't dump me for Fat Joe.

Big Joe. He prefers Big Joe.

Hello?

Bridget?

Where are you?

Bring the goat back here and tie it to the flagpole.

Any questions?

This is so stupid. You guys are going to get in so much trouble.

That's real smart, blabbing this in front of your goody -two -shoes sister.

I am not a goody -two -shoes. You're just mad because I reported you for

smoking. That was you?

Secondhand smoke kills. I did it for everyone.

Oh, my God, I am a goody two -shoes.

You're not going to tell, are you?

Not if you let me be a part of it.

What? That's right. I'm going to be a bad girl. I'm going to steal a goat.

Let's go. Wait.

What? There are lasers everywhere.

Step very lightly.

Carefully.

Well, I don't know, Ed.

I think I'm doing the right thing by keeping the kids in the dark.

What do you think?

Look, if you were not going to keep them in the dark, what would you tell them?

I'd tell them exactly what we're doing.

What exactly are we doing?

Well, look, I'm crazy about you and you can't go five minutes without asking me

what I'm wearing.

I think we're officially dating.

Huh.

Officially dating.

I like that.

So it's a good thing.

And I think you should tell them.

This is going to be great. This is going to be great. This is going to be so

great. If we're going to steal a goat, we'll need to borrow Mom's car. Oh,

forget that. We'll steal a car.

Easy, little Kim.

I've worked up a whole story to tell Mom. It may take a while, but I'll get

that car.

Maybe you're right, Ed. You know, I've always had this very open relationship

with my kids.

Maybe I'm ready to tell them about us.

Mom, hear me out. We need to borrow the minivan. Take the keys. Here, go. Go,

go, go, go, go, go.

Apparently, not quite ready.

I can't believe you talked me into this. I didn't. You volunteered. We were

supposed to take her back to school.

With the guard there, we would have been busted.

We had a plan. We should have stuck to the plan. I knew I wasn't cut out for a

life of crime.

Just take her back. We can't take her back. They're looking for her. What are

going to do? What are we going to do? Okay, listen.

We'll hide her at home and sneak out tonight and put her back.

Oh, my God.

What if it doesn't work?

What kind of college is going to accept me with Ghost Stealer on my record?

A bad one.

What are we doing there now, genius?

Get her up to your room. My room? Why not your room?

Because your room already smells like a barn.

Oh, God, there's Grandpa. Just get her upstairs.

Anything this bad?

DJ?

I was just playing tug -of -war. It was Mom's favorite green sweater. I didn't

know the goat was going to eat it.

You are completely cruel and unfair.

I gave you half my cupcake.

Grandpa, you upstairs?

Why are you upstairs?

You never go upstairs.

Your mom wanted me to take some things to the cleaners. Has anybody seen her

green sweater?

Nope, haven't seen it.

Didn't even know she had a green sweater.

No problem, I'm sure it'll turn up.

Oh, one more thing.

Why is there a goat in the bathroom?

You brought it here?

You got Roy to do your dirty work.

Oh, so you just assume I had nothing to do with it? You stole a goat?

No, sir.

Oh, my God, that's Mom.

Harper, you're not going to say anything, are you?

Well, it's been kind of a slow news day. I think I'll just let this one play

out.

Hey, you just had the best gift day. I won $30 at poker, and I had a couple of

margaritas for lunch. Sounds like everybody had a little adventure today.

You know, that second one might have been a mistake, though, because when I

dropped off by Mr. Kolodny, I could have sworn I saw a ghost.

Strong drink.

What's that smell?

Carrie, I told you to take a shower today.

Yeah, I'll go do that right now. Oh, and wash under your pits.

Yeah, I get it. I'm going.

Well, while you're at it, would you wash the goat?

Grandpa! Oh, come on. When your mother sobers up, she's going to know that's a

goat.

What the hell's going on?

It's the goat from Tap Thai.

You guys stole a goat? What were you thinking?

Rory wanted to do it for his ditch day prank.

It was Bridget's idea.

Which I would have... If CJ hadn't stuck me in detention.

I wouldn't have given you detention if you hadn't blabbed to your mother.

Blabbed about what? Nothing. Not exactly nothing. Yeah, what's the big secret?

Yeah, what's going on?

You know, we are getting way off the subject here.

Did you actually think that you could steal a goat and nobody would find out?

Well, to be fair, did you actually think you could drive Principal Gibb to the

airport and no one would find out?

What?

You drove Principal Gibb to the airport?

Please tell me it was a curbside drop -off.

Oh, no. She walked him in. They ate cinnamon buns.

Oh, my God.

Oh, come on, Kate. I think you better tell him. Oh, look, you guys.

I like Ed.

We have a great time together.

And as of this morning, we are officially dating.

I didn't even tell him before.

I guess I was a little afraid.

You know, this is the first time I've been interested in anyone since Dad. And

just wasn't sure you were ready.

I wasn't sure I was ready.

Mom, we're a little bit more grown up than you think.

And we want you to be happy.

We all do.

The goat may have issues.

We love you guys. Come here.

Wow, so this is serious.

Well, we're not asking any questions. We're just keeping it really low key.

You know, no pressure.

Are there any more big secrets we should know about while we're clearing the

air?

Go ahead, tell him, Kate.

All right.

I ate both cinnamon buns.

Hello?

Hey, Kate.

Oh, hi, Ed. Come on, guys, let's give your mom some privacy.

No, no, it's okay.

I'm just here with the family.

Oh, okay.

When should I call back?

No, we can talk.

Everything's out in the open.

Well, I actually think I should call back. No, Ed. They're all good with

So go ahead.

Okay.

I have been offered a headmaster's job here in New York.

Oh.

Oh, well, that's great.

What's great?

You know, actually, I think the reception is a little bit better over

Oh, wow.

I don't know what to say.

It's incredible.

Congratulations. It's a dream job. Except I just don't know if I'm going to

accept it.

Really? Why not?

Well, there's a lot of things about Detroit that I'm not ready to give up.

You know, Ed, New York is an amazing city. I'm sure you can find everything

want there.

Not everything.

And not everyone.

See, part of my decision depends on how everyone feels about it.

Well,

everyone didn't know you felt so strongly.

I'm so flattered.

All right, come on, Mom. What's going on?

Say what?

Oh, Ed, I can't talk right now.

My whole family's here.

You know what, you guys? I actually think the reception is much better

Wow. I know. Mom's officially dating Ed Gibb. He's not going to date her long if

she keeps eating those cinnamon buns.

I mean, he's really happy.

I think she's in love.

Yeah, that's what we need in this house. Another female on the phone.