Original subtitles

In tonight's Top Gear:

The ultimate family cars.

What is the best hot hatchback?

And the Stig meets his match on our track.

Hello. Now, when I was growing up, doing the school run was simple.

You hammered kids into the car until you couldn't close the door.

Some got stuck in the ashtray. In an accident, some died.

We put the fat ones at the front to act as a primitive airbag.

But nowadays you wouldn't dream of putting a child in a car

unless it had its own monogram, personalised airbag.

And its own seatbelt. So that means each child needs its own seat.

And that's where one of these comes in - a people carrier.

This is the new Renault Espace.

It's the latest version of the car, which in Europe at least, started the people carrier ball rolling.

Like all new Renaults, it has odd, angular, futuristic styling,

which conceals an odd, angular, futuristic interior.

But no amount of Star Trek trickery can mask the car's sole function.

To be as practical as possible in the smallest possible space.

There are endless permutations to the way you can arrange the seats.

But the upshot is all your children and all their friends

can travel in comfort and safety.

So that's the Renault Espace.

A bit pricey, but the perfect family car.

Except for one small thing.

May I show you our cool wall.

We divide cars into Sub Zero,

Cool, Uncool, and then Seriously Uncool, which includes the Beetle,

and anything with a Skoda badge.

Now, this is a handful of people carriers, OK?

And they all go in Uncool. New Espace - Uncool.

Citroen C8 - Uncool? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Uncool, definitely.

Seat Alhambra - Uncool.

Peugeot 807 - Uncool, Toyota Previa - Uncool. What's that?

Chrysler...thing. Voyager, thank you. What's that then? Hyundai?

What's the Hyundai one called? What? The Hyundai's Seriously Uncool?

You have a point.

Kia? Kia Garbage. No, you're right, put it there, what the hell.

The thing with normal cars is you buy one cos you want one.

These are like washing up bowls - you buy them cos you NEED them.

And that's where these come in - off-roaders.

You still get seven seats, and you get cool looks,

and it's as safe as travelling to school in Fort Knox.

Look what happens when you crash a 4X4 into a normal car.

The normal car absolutely destroyed. You wouldn't want to be in that.

If you want to be anywhere, it'd be the 4X4.

Big toy like that, the perfect family car. It is.

This is a Discovery - it'll break down. Watch this.

I'll close this door and the glove box opens!

It's a clown's car. If you start it, the wheels will come off! Not this.

That one. Toyota Land Cruiser.

In the leafier parts of Britain,

the Land Cruiser is THE school run transport. It has everything you could want.

Legendary Toyota reliability, eight seats - and enough boot space for a cameraman.

CHILD: I got sick this morning.

This, however, is the new Toyota Land Cruiser.

It's more of the same, but bigger, better looking and better equipped.

It's also a better ride.

For a big off-roader, it's comfortable. And if you go for the diesel engine,

it's economical too.

Good boy. Well done. Come on.

Inside you get a blend of wood and metal.

There are lots of knobs, too, and satellite navigation.

Which means for £36,000 it's not bad value.

So, the new Toyota Land Cruiser. Cool, strong and dependable.

The perfect family car

Except for one small thing.

Step inside. Here we find that it's got a low-range gear box.

That's very useful in the Kalahari desert

but pretty unnecessary in Guildford.

The same goes for height-adjustable suspension and locking diffs.

You pay for stuff you'll never need.

That's where these come in. Grass and gravel 4X4s.

The BMW X5 and the Audi Allroad.

They haven't got all that kit, so you're not lugging around excess engineering. Perfect.

Except for one small thing.

They've only got five seats, so you

may as well have a family hatchback.

To recap - people carriers, uncool.

Big off-roaders, wasteful. Grass and gravel off-roaders, impractical.

So we're stuck. Not any more we're not.

This is the new Volvo XC 90.

It's such an important car, we had one shipped over from Sweden

before it goes on sale in Britain to see what it's like.

In many ways, it's like a BMW X5.

You get the high-driving position, which is what you really want,

but you're not burdened with low-range this and locking that.

This means it'd be no good on the plains of Africa.

The meerkats would laugh at it.

It would fail in the Antarctic, too.

It wouldn't get you out of Death Valley either.

However, in temperate, undulating Britain why should we care about that?

What matters more is that it

doesn't work very well here either.

Obviously, being a big, tall, heavy Volvo estate,

it comes as no surprise to find that it isn't very sporty.

The ride is fidgety and through the corners, being tall, it handles like a giraffe.

There's something else, too. It was designed in America.

So it's HUGE.

Now that might work in downtown Houston.

Driving here in something the size

of a town hall, can be intimidating.

Threading it through a village is like threading an elephant

through the eye of a needle.

Park this up for five minutes

and they'd want you to pay poll tax.

And I haven't finished yet.

This model has a 2.9 litre, twin-turbo, six-cylinder petrol engine which chews fuel.

You'd be lucky to get 15 miles to the gallon. So you have to have the diesel.

So, it doesn't work off-road,

it's vast, it's thirsty and it's not very nice to drive.

So, what's the big deal?

To understand, I've come

to Jurassic Park, in the Cotswolds.

This is the kind of place families

come to and this is the kind of car they'll want to come in.

Let's start at the back,

where we find a split-folding rear tailgate,

such as you get on a Range Rover.

The advantage of this is that you have somewhere to sit at gymkhanas.

And this is a Volvo estate,

so the back is huge.

It'll take anything in here, up to a horse.

So it has no problem with my lizard. Sally, out. Out! Come on.

HE KNOCKS ON THE CAR

Oi, come on, out. Sally, out!

Lizards are so disobedient. You can't teach them anything.

17 years old and she doesn't even understand "Sit".

Guys, could you come and...help me out here?

See? That's a really, properly big boot.

You could get a crocodile in there.

You can get any sort of pet in the back of a Volvo. Easy-peasy.

Right. So it's good for lizards.

Now let me show you how good it is for people.

Right.

This row of seats lifts up like so

and this one's particularly clever.

There's a lever down here and,

if I pull it, it converts to a child's booster seat.

Which, if the child feels left out,

can be slid forward so it's part of the action in front.

In fact, all these seats move back and forth.

And that on its own is great.

But it's got more tricks. Hidden under the boot floor are two more seats.

And they're not occasional little chairs. Look.

They've got proper three-point seat belts, cubbyholes there and there,

you can work the air conditioning system from here and look at this.

This enables people in the back

to listen through headphones to a CD or watch a DVD that slides down from the roof

while the grown-ups in front listen to Radio 4.

There's even a remote control for the stereo here.

This car is incredible! ..And look.

Even with the back seats in place -

let me pull this one up as well to show you -

you still get a decent-sized boot.

Most car designers

are 26 years old, black polo-neck jumpers, yellow, rectangular glasses.

Whoever did this had children.

Now for the best bit - the price.

The diesel is £30,000 and the petrol is £33,000.

That's £12,000 less than a BMW X5.

They haven't skimped on standard equipment. The satellite navigation

slides, in James Bond fashion, out of the dashboard.

I've got minidisc, CD - it's like driving about in a branch of Dixons.

They haven't skimped on safety, either.

Even the back seats have air bags.

And, because it's tall and more likely to roll than a shorter car,

the roof is made from specially strengthened steel.

# ..Little lamb, who made thee? #

So - on the plus side,

it's very safe, it's more practical than any car on the road today,

it's well equipped and it's good value.

On the downside, it's not that nice to drive.

You choose.

Those seats really do look absolutely fantastic. Brilliant!

A brilliant piece of design. But the drive - how bad is it really?

It's not bad. It's just not as good as an X5. An X5 feels like a car.

This feels like a wild animal - it's fidgety, it rolls.

Not really a brilliant drive, but a great car.

I've got a worry about 4x4s generally. Only a small one.

I like 'em. I get the big thing.

And I like the height. I can see why you would. I do enjoy that bit.

It's a new experience for you. Sometimes quite scary, actually.

What I worry about... I've got one, drive around in it with my family.

I'm always aware, with a guilty nag,

that if I change direction suddenly, it could topple.

And the fact that they've reinforced the roof

is like Volvo saying, "Yes, it really could." That worries me.

There are two kinds of safety - active safety, which is a small, nimble car that can avoid accidents,

and passive safety, which is what this has got.

They say, "You might crash. Accidents happen.

"But we'll take care of you." Hence the roof.

The fact is, big cars are better in impacts from any direction -

you're better off with one of these.

Good passive safety. If I wanted to put my children anywhere,

I'd put them in this. The odds are better. Yes.

OK. We were talking about this in the pub. Cars are getting heavier,

yet the fastest cars around our track were light.

Clearly, heavier cars are slower, use more fuel and cost more to run.

So we thought, what if you took a normal, heavy car, then took out the spare stuff to make it lighter?

How much faster would it go? We had to find out.

Because of the unique way the BBC's funded, we had £500. It got us this.

Yes, it's a 1985 Jaguar XJS V12.

5.3-litre engine, 300 brake horsepower.

We sent the Stig out in this, and he clocked up a remarkable 0-60 time of 8.6 seconds!

This car is still pretty quick. OK. But what would happen

if we strip out as much weight as we can - will it go any faster?

These guys are from Cornwall, your stamping ground, so you'll understand them. I can translate.

That's useful. Can you tell them to crack on? OK. Crack on.

We'll see how it goes later. We've got a problem.

Go on. The Stig says he doesn't want to drive, he wants to promote.

He's done a CD of Christmas hits, easy listening.

We said, "It's the BBC - you can't promote it." So he's having a strop.

Ah, a cross Stig. Don't give in. Anyway, let's do the news.

The producers can worry about it. No new product this week, it being Christmas, but plenty to talk about.

First, Jacques Cousteau's opened a dealership in the English Channel.

This is...

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

This is the boat

that went down with 3,000 cars.

3,000 cars! Interestingly, mostly BMW. And you just knew it had to be a BMW boat.

He pulled out without looking and wallop!

Big impact - two ships collide. The ship sinks. Clunk! Hits the bottom.

Big impact. 3,000 cars. Why didn't all the air bags go off?

If they had, it would have just... Whoops!

Problem solved. The thing is, you know all the Spanish fishermen...

You know what's coming now! Because their coast's been wrecked by oil,

they'll be straight up the Channel, hooking themselves a couple of 318s.

And there are Saabs as well. "Oh, chuck that back." "Chuck it back."

"9-3? No - it's not subsidised enough." The true disaster's that Volvo we just looked at. Great car.

They're only making 50,000 a year anyway, which is not enough. 350 of them were on the boat. No! Sunk?

They've sunk. It's gotta make it worse.

Imagine that call. "Where's my car?" Down at Jaques'.

If you want an XC90, pop over to Spain. Slightly water damaged, but that's where they'll end up.

Morgan are going racing again, which is good news.

But it's an expensive business. There's their car.

Sponsorship's scarce, with a recession coming.

They've had an idea to raise a few quid. Remember the Beano Club? Did you join?

It cost... It's just me, isn't it?

I remember it! It cost you about 5p. You sent off and got a membership card and a badge with googly eyes.

Morgan have launched the Morgan Club and you can join. It costs more than 5p.

It's £1,000. Ooh! Yes, but... for that you do get...

That's instead of sponsorship? Yes. All the £1,000s go in the kitty so they can go racing. Right, OK.

You drive yourself to the circuit, obviously.

But members get free entrance and a grandstand seat. Seat? Yes. What sort of seat?

Red plastic. Not a throne, then? No. Which is what I'd want for £1,000, with tiger skin.

And a sun screen. Half-naked Fijian girls chilling me. It doesn't mention that.

You get your name on a list of donors. Private access to the team.

But it's a 24-hour race and they'll be on the circuit for... 45 minutes.

With 23 hours to establish what went wrong.

Do you not get a clubhouse, a tree house with a ladder, where you can go and talk about Morgans?

You can buy limited edition clothing. Buy?

It's a bit steep. Maybe I won't.

I've found the perfect investment.

It's a house in the South of France, currently for sale.

Beautiful house. Very nice. Then, in the grounds...

there's the race track. No! Nice!

I kid you not, it's got a full-on racetrack in it!

Every home should have one. Look at that! And that's all yours.

How much is it? Nine million euros.

That's steep. Actually, it's 40p. LAUGHTER

But here's an even better story than Jacques Cousteau's dealership.

Motorcyclist Leon Humphries has been taken to court

for not telling the DVLA that his Suzuki was off the road.

He claims that under mediaeval law he's entitled to settle the dispute

in a trial by combat. Ooh, yes!

LAUGHTER

He says that under mediaeval law, which is still on the statute books,

he's entitled to fight a champion nominated by the licensing agency.

The DVLA champion? Well, it is in Swansea. So they'll all do it!

The fly halves will say, "I'll have him!"

But the DVLA have to remember that it's a fight to the death.

That's strict. You can use swords, knives, or blacksmiths' hammers.

Nice. Now that's good television!

That's something I'd want to watch!

That's all, but we have a treat in store. Look what we've got here.

It's the new MG SV. It's the new car from MG Rover,

now that BMW have left them alone. Yippee!

MGs have been a bit johnny-go-lightly in the past,

a bit delicate in the Dunlops. This is different.

If Oliver Reed and Russell Crowe made mad man-love

on the set of Gladiator in an angry brawl, this would be the result.

This is the spawn of something momentous.

It's even got somewhere to rest your helmet!

Honestly, it's got helmet holders in the back!

Would you like to hear it? AUDIENCE: Yes!

We all like V8 thunder on a Sunday evening.

Here we go. So go to DEFCON III, engage, and fire.

IGNITION REVS

WHISTLING

ENGINE STOPS

This will go on sale next year priced at around £60,000,

or more for the 1,000 horsepower nitrous kit. Do you want that?

AUDIENCE: Yes! You just do.

Very, very nice. Obviously, they won't make a family version of it.

No, family man is doomed to drive Volvos, like the one we saw before,

wear slippers, and slowly go beige.

Or you could have one of these, a Subaru Forester.

You remember the '80s like they were just two decades ago.

You remember steering a car just by feeling through your bum.

You still could, if you could get your bum in the seat.

This might fit neatly into your life, though.

It's the new Subaru Forester.

At first glance, it's family car heaven.

It's got a big boot with space to put all the things you now need,

like kids, books and apples.

It's sensibly high off the ground so nothing gets damaged underneath.

It's got everything you need. Oh, and it can do this.

MUSIC: "Narayan" by Prodigy

Without a doubt, it really does take years off the family man.

It's got an Impreza chassis and an Impreza turbo engine,

there's a 177-brake horsepower available, and 5,600 rpm.

It'll hit 60 in 7.9 seconds, and has permanent four-wheel drive and a limited slip differential.

You'd have to be trying very hard indeed to break it. It rocks.

This is superb.

It's an Impreza Turbo with a basket in front and kids' seat in the back.

It uses so many Turbo nutters' bits and pieces,

they could almost have stuck an Impreza badge on it.

It does offer real-life advantages over the Impreza, though.

There's more space in the back, the boot's bigger,

and that extra height will please the kids.

If you're old enough to have been around for the first hot hatches,

you're probably worried about your weight by now.

Subaru are watching their weight too, but they're more concerned about where to put it.

Having the Impreza's engine here is good, and not just for the power.

It's a flat-four, which means it's low. It's mounted low in the car.

That keeps the centre of gravity low, which all helps the handling.

Which means where it really wins out is as an all-rounder.

Many off-roaders claim to be good on the road, when they're not.

This is.

The ride is smoother and more comfortable

than on many cars built just to cruise the motorways.

The low centre of gravity stops off-roader wobbling.

It's civilised, but without losing the ability to cut it off-road.

On the downside, it is thirsty,

and the interior is not exactly inspired in terms of decor.

But the previous Forester was truly awful inside, and this one isn't.

The radio is clearly aimed at buyers of the Impreza,

with tiny buttons lighting up like an oil rig at night. But it's loud.

They put an Impreza Turbo's DNA into a family car, and it works!

It's not an in-your-face off-roader, the Forester.

Compared to CRVs and Freelanders, it looks a little bit quiet.

But believe me, it really is the best of the bunch.

The other thing is, Subaru always win those reliability surveys.

That's true. And it does everything you want for the family. It's quick.

It won't fall over like a tall 4X4.

The best thing of all is that its photograph goes in the cool section

of our board! Cool car! What do you mean, "No"?

Have you seen the interior? Yes. It's bland, and boring and dull.

He just hasn't got the idea of this at all.

It's not the point! He's Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen without the cuffs!

It's cool! TVR? AUDIENCE: Cool!

No! Again, you're wrong! Uncool! And I'll explain why, if I may, OK?

TVRs, as we know, are for men whose trousers are creeping up a bit.

You know the time of life?

When the gap between the nipple and waistband is starting to come down.

I'm afraid that's why it's uncool.

Anyone got any objections to that?

Yes. You again! Who is it now?

You can't say that's uncool. It comes in yellow. What?!

LAUGHTER

So do bananas!

Is everything yellow cool? No.

Talking of yellow, where do we put the Polo?

AUDIENCE: No... No! You're wrong!

Cool car. Euro chic. Euro chic!

AUDIENCE BOOS

Agree with me? It's cool.

What do you drive? Jeep Wrangler Sport, but I had a Polo before!

They're dreadful cars, but cool!

It doesn't matter what they're like to drive or look at,

but whether they're cool or not.

Colour doesn't matter. Forget that.

You've got your Fiat Punto.

Anything little and European goes in the cool section.

Are you sure about the M3? Part of me thinks it's in the wrong place.

What do you reckon? M3? The only way to put that is down!

I...I can't... Leave it. Please leave the M3 down there, really.

It's a great car, make no mistake. We'll discuss that later. Great car.

Ferrari 575? Sub-zero. Sub-zero?

Now, that's...

Who's put a Porsche Boxster in the sub-zero? It's you, isn't it?

It's you because you've got one.

It's a cool car. I had one. You had that in uncool. Mmm.

You can't put that in cool. I had one last week, a Boxster S.

It was beautifully balanced, but you look like a prat.

No, it's not that bad, really.

Don't put the M3 in cool!

I've gone with you on most of them. Will somebody back me up?

We'll have a vote on the M3.

Hands up if you think it's cool.

Hands up if you think it's uncool.

More for cool, I win. But this isn't a democracy.

It's a lose-lose. You're gonna lose.

Time to put our star in a reasonably-priced car.

This one's got three restaurants.

Britain's best chef, apart from Ainsley Harriott - Gordon Ramsay!

Ainsley Harriott! Ainsley Harriott. He's not a chef.

What?! He's a comedian. Ainsley Harriott's not a chef?

He doesn't have a restaurant. He's a comedian and a presenter.

He can make supper for a fiver. He can barbecue food.

He gets a tin, a Hoover bag and £5 and can feed a family for a month.

You - £5 for a sprig of parsley!

In between opening 25,000 restaurants,

you've dished up four children. Yes.

All under four. Under four? Yeah. Nightmare.

What a man. Woah!

LAUGHTER

It'll be empty by now. Have you got a cushion?

Yeah, four under four. What do you do for a family car?

It was a problem with a Range Rover because you couldn't ever get four seats in the back.

So we got a Mercedes, one of those ML six-seaters.

But there's no boot in the back. No.

But I don't get over-involved with those sort of...

You don't do the school run? I did once. Talk me through it.

It's 8.20am and you're driving along the Wandsworth Road towards Battersea

and the women now, the mums, don't double-park, they treble-park.

I have to say, a few years ago I was doing a programme about women doing the school run.

I turned up with a film crew outside a school in Sloane Square.

Who should pull up and treble-park but Mrs Gordon Ramsay.

I thought you'd forgotten. How could I? She's attractive.

This is my key for not doing the school run, chaps.

Volunteer to do it. The next morning do it again and then again.

Fourth morning, say to your wife, "A lot of the mums are quite slim."

LAUGHTER

You'll never do it again.

Women drivers and vegetarians - we could forget congestion charges,

and have alternate days, one for women and one for vegetarians, London would be a dream to drive in.

How would this play? Is this good? I'm a vegetarian. Get out!

He does not look like a vegetarian! I am.

What are you doing? Gardeners' World is in Hampshire.

I quite like that idea.

They drive 15mph. Vegetarians? Yeah.

They don't look and they never indicate.

How can you tell they're vegetarians? I like to think that.

Cos they look rather dodgy.

Pale and wan? In need of a good, bloody fillet steak, you know.

While we're on annoying things, motorway service stations?

What do you think of the food?

Shockingly, disgustingly fad.

Pretty dismal, plastic, um...

And expensive. Gross, imitation food.

Eat before you drive! There's no need to eat before you drive.

We thought, "Hang on a minute, you're driving in a car that has a big, hot engine in it.

"Why not use that to cook your food as you drive along?"

Let's run some tape and I'll show you what we did.

This is a Subaru Forester.

Strapped to its engine we have

a succulent turkey breast with a reduction of porcini mushrooms

with red wine and garnished with winter sprouts.

This is the Lada we turned into a Lotus.

That's being used to cook a baby rack of lamb with vegetables

and herbs.

The Suzuki Liana will cook wild salmon on a bed of lemon thyme.

Vegetarian option there.

We recognise fish is justifiable homicide, meat's murderous.

You're cooking them on that. Yeah.

Forget gas mark six or 450C, the measurement is revs.

We recommend 3,000rpm for about two hours, OK?

After two hours, I pulled one of them in. Here it is.

Let's have a little look how we're doing.

I think it's still a bit pink. I'll add some seasoning

to see if we can mask the smell of engine oil in there.

I'll send it back out again. That's the best thing to do.

Get back on the track. Or the rotisserie, as we call it.

We've worked it out that if you were to set off from London going to Leeds,

by the time you get near Sheffield,

lunch should be ready.

They were trundling round our track for two hours and...

Is the Stig here? We've allowed him in.

Can you bring the food over? Here he is.

For the first time ever in the studio, the Stig.

APPLAUSE

Now, why don't you sample some of that salmon?

This was cooked on the engine?

Genuinely. All this food was cooked on the engine of a car.

Tell me if it matches up to motorway service cooking.

It certainly matches it.

LAUGHTER

That is slightly dry, overcooked and...

Not worthy of three stars. Two stars?

I wouldn't even give that... One star? Not even one star. Oh, well.

Try a bit of lamb.

This was cooked on the Lada. Market vegetables dressed in olive oil and Mediterranean herbs.

That's your sort of food.

What do you think of his sort of food?

I think Gordon is about to be sick!

You have some.

LAUGHTER

Have some sprouts.

Not even the vegetarian likes it!

That tastes of...petrol. Castrol oily...

Yes, it was cooked on an engine, that's why.

The lamb, sadly, is overcooked. So 2,000 revs for two hours is too long!

That's the problem. We cooked it on a four-speed car.

Make sure it's a five-speed if you cook lamb.

OK. Who would like to see Gordon's lap?

AUDIENCE CHEER

Yes! Let's play it.

TYRES SCREECH

That's the most aggressive start we've seen all series.

Come on, you, concentrate.

I could have sworn I just saw a traffic warden!

That's the point, there are none. Let's see how tight you are. Look at that precision driving!

That is precision driving, mate.

Woah!

That's about 85 through there! Break at 100 and turn.

Turn gently.

Too early BLEEP.

That's where most celebs come off.

You're across the line and...

Gordon...

Gordon R.

These are the sort of times you're looking for.

It was a dry day so you should be near the top.

One minute, 50 seconds. Same as me, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

That's an epic time.

An epic time. I'm not going to put you above me. Alphabetical order.

Alphabetical order and, yes, G comes after J.

On there, it does. Gordon Ramsay, it's been a riot having you here.

Thanks very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

That's enough about food. Let's see how the Jag's diet's getting along.

Over the next three hours, the Cornish crew stripped every piece of excess fat from our XJS.

Out came the spare wheel, back seats and bumpers.

No pain, no gain, as they say, but Jag fan Jason wasn't happy.

No. Oh, mate, this is sacrilege.

That's the electric window motor.

The headlamp wiper motor. All adds up.

Everything has been weighed and it's all made a nice big pile.

They took off the rear bumper - 20kg -

passenger seat - another 16kg -

even the speakers - six kilos each.

And the ashtray was 0.27 of a kilo,

but every bit counts and it's come to a total of 223kg.

That'll make a difference back out

on the track. But you've ruined it.

It was lovely. It's rugged and manly now.

Let's see what the Stig makes of it.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

TYRES SCREECH

Let's recap. Before our Jag dieted,

we tested it - 0-60, it did, in 8.6 seconds.

We took out a fifth of a tonne of stuff

and we lost so much. Everything.

We took out the seats, took off the bumpers...

Nothing's left. It's just a shell.

Then we tested it again. 0-60 time came down to 7.4 seconds -

That's 1.2 seconds better. No more power, just less weight.

If you think that's quick. How much time do you think we saved?

ALL GUESS NUMBERS

Five seconds.

This car was five seconds quicker afterwards.

That is a lot, so we have proved the point,

but weight is the enemy not just of performance, but of economy, too.

You waste fuel just lugging it around. It costs money.

So light is good and light works.

Insider trading news. A few days left till year's end,

but there's still deals out there. One grabbed me this week. 4x4s.

Nissan do the Xterra and they still do the Terrano. It's all right. It's OK.

2.7 diesel. That's normally £20,000

but at £15,500, it's a bargain. £4,500 off it.

Nothing wrong with it. Brand new.

Toyota Avensis. You're a fan. Oh, God! It's foul!

You've got a problem. Disgraceful!

It's not the best car in the world, but... It should have a taxi light.

Listen. Second hand, they are very good news. I should hope so.

Three-year-olds fetch over book.

There's a new one out early next year.

What will happen, the old stock,

the dealers will discount them,

so if you're a person who keeps a car for four, five, six years...

I wouldn't keep an Avensis for five days!

You can buy one, get a discount.

It won't go wrong - it's a Toyota.

That's true. And it will hold its value.

Will it? Yes, good car to buy.

If you buy a new car, you expect to lose money on it. Yeah.

Except this year the Mini. Yeah. Run it 12 months and make a profit.

There's two or three cars next year that'll be the same.

Number one. BMW Z4. Nice car. Buy one, run it for 6-12 months.

You'll get your money back or make a profit.

Just cos they're hard to find?

Demand will outstrip supply as it

always does, so that's a good one.

Secondly, the VW Beetle Cabriolet.

What's wrong with you?! The Beetle's not everyone's cup of tea.

The Cabriolet will lift the brand.

It'll hold its value fantastically

and may make a profit. And the third one is the Nissan 350Z.

At £22,000, it's excellent value.

People will be queuing up for that car.

I think you'll make a profit on it.

For more information, just visit the website.

Since this show has a family-car flavour,

we thought we'd catch up with all that's new and exciting in the world of the hot hatchback.

I've always been a hot hatch fan

because they were cheap, simple and you got two cars in one.

They were as practical as normal hatchbacks -

useful for the school run -

but you could drive home in them like your trousers were on fire.

JUNGLE MUSIC

Recently, however, things have got muddy and complicated.

This Volkswagen Golf R32 cost £22,000, so it's not cheap

and it's not simple either.

Quite apart from the safey and emissions stuff all cars have now,

I've got traction control, CD changer control and heated seats,

which are haemorrhoid control.

All very nice, but luxuries like this add weight,

so much that this car weights twice as much as the original Golf GTI

from 25 years ago.

So to move at anything more than

a trot, it needed twice the engine

and that's what it's got. The original had 1.6 litres.

This has 3.2.

The original developed 110bhp, this develops more than twice that -

240bhp.

Because it has twice the engine and weight,

that led to another problem - it needed twice as much grip,

so the original was front-wheel drive, this...is four-wheel drive.

You think I'll say it's twice the car.

Well, it's twice as substantial,

twice as luxurious and well made,

twice as quiet, and bearing in mind the original had no power steering,

it's twice as easy to drive.

But it doesn't have the spirit of the original Golf.

It's less fun somehow.

Like the new Mini, it's a better car than the original, but not as important.

As a historical monument, then, it's thrashed,

but as a 21st-century flying machine, how does it stack up?

In this market, in the blue corner, you have the Ford Focus RS.

In the red corner, the Honda Civic Type R.

And in the yellow corner, the SEAT Leon Cupra R.

This is a world of fat tyres and aluminium add-ons,

where the show matches the go.

The Golf tries to compete.

It has two exhausts, for instance, lowered suspension and big wheels,

but it looks like the nominated driver at a New Year's Eve party.

It's sober and restrained

in a rainbow whirl of streamers and noise.

Sure, the R32 is very, very fast.

0-60 takes six seconds.

The top speed is 153.

But I suspect it's more of a long-distance cruiser

than a B-road barnstormer.

The engine doesn't like to be revved

and the gearbox doesn't like to be rushed, neither does the steering.

If you're quick with the wheel, you can beat the power assistance.

It all suddenly gets very heavy which is weird.

And those of you of a tail slide disposition

are going to be disappointed as it won't play ball.

TYRES SCREECH

I don't know, it's not brutal like the Ford.

It's very soft actually, very forgiving.

Think of it more as a long-term companion than a one-night stand.

So, there we are.

The oldest hot hatch of them all is acting its age.

I feel I've grown up with the Golf.

I was 17 when the Golf GTI came out. We've matured together.

Now we're... Fatter? Yes, but wiser.

A wise head on a fat body.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

How does it compare with the Ford Focus RS?

Well, we're men so we have to quantify that. Engage Stig drive.

The Ford Focus RS came here and was four seconds faster round the track

than the Subaru Impreza and here it is again,

blitzing the track.

What's the time? One minute and 32 seconds.

How does the Golf compare? Four-wheel...

MUSIC IN CAR: "Last Christmas" by Wham

He's managing to promote his CD. What's he listening to?

It's Wham.

Will the combination of the four-wheel drive and the... Oh...

Will the four-wheel drive and the power match the Ford's front? Crosses the line...

in one minute, 33 seconds. That's only one second behind the Ford!

It's still three seconds quicker than an Impreza. An astonishing car.

That Ford is incredible but you did have reservations.

The thing that makes it incredible on a track, its front differential, makes it useless on a road.

This, yes, it's a second slower on a track, big deal,

but on the road it's so much more civilised.

We are getting towards the end of the series.

The Westfield XTR is still at the top of the tree as the quickest car to get round our test track.

But it's under threat. First of

all, from this, the Radical SR3.

Like the Westfield, it's got a 1.3l bike engine

but in the Radical, it's more powerful.

Then we heard from this guy, Tom.

He said, "I've got something that can thrash anything on the track."

Most of the challenges we get are rubbish. But he may have a point.

OK, so here's the Stig, warming up the Radical.

This is what he'll be racing.

It's a super-light, super-fast, aerobatic plane.

Tom, the challenger, is the British aerobatic champion.

I'll be the go-between.

Here's the opposition, it's a Radical SR3.

It's powered by a bike engine, 1300cc. It puts out about 200bhp...

Your plane has... 300. This only weighs 500kg.

But your plane only weighs 600kg. So they're quite evenly matched.

Top speed here about 150mph. Your plane? 200.

The plane will be faster along the straights but not on the corners.

A plane has a big turning circle and our track is very tight.

Tom's will have to climb violently and throttle back to lose speed.

This here, I'll have to climb to lose speed to get back down here.

I'll cover more distance.

Round here, I'll be drifting wider.

But you can stay close to the track? I think so.

Will it work? We'll see. Done it before? No.

The Radical can hit 60mph in 3.5 seconds and 100 in 8.8 seconds.

So it has the edge from the start.

It carries that lead into the first corner.

Tom must start climbing now.

He'll have to throttle back to make it round the first bend.

That Radical can generate two G in the corners.

The plane can manage 9.2.

He catches up on the straights but then he has to climb again!

That means that Stig is ahead.

Both of them pushing these things as far as they're going to go.

Every time he gets near the Stig, he's got to climb for the corner.

It's hard work on the ground

but it's nothing to what Tom is having to do again.

We're on the final straight.

Tom should be able to... Yes, he's passed the Stig!

Not for long, it's not the final corner, there are two more bends.

Stig could get ahead. The plane has to climb so high to lose speed.

Will Stig get over the line first or will Tom swoop down on him?

And he's swooped and he's won! Stig comes second.

How cool! Tom's my new hero, definitely. That was very cool.

Hang on a second, it was a plane. We specify everything on the board has to be road legal.

If you took that plane to the shops, the police would stop you. It has no indicators and no brakes!

It has wings. You couldn't park it, you'd just cause a menace.

What matters here is the Radical. How did it do?

Here's the Westfield XTR, 1.23. Where's it going to go?

Faster? Higher?

AUDIENCE MURMURS

1.22? I'll tell you what it is.

One minute, 19 seconds!

But next week, the Germans are coming here with a couple of cars

that they think will beat the Radical.

We'll have a laugh... I mean, we'll see in a fair way how they get on.

We'll also be naming our Car Of The Year.

And our quest for Britain's fastest faith.

The Church Of England has the title but will the druid beat the Muslim?

Will the Rastafarian win through?

Find out next week. We'll see you then. Have a happy Christmas!

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2002

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk