Original subtitles

In tonight's Top Gear -

evidence that the French have gone mad.

Evidence that the Germans have gone mad.

And, as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back.

But first, look at our set!

We've got cushions, flowers and I've got some breath freshener.

That's because the star we have tonight may look like a boy,

but he is in fact called Tara.

LAUGHTER

I suppose that makes him a girl.

But this is still a car show. So, the Honda NSX - not a great success.

It was developed by Ayrton Senna, but last year they sold...eight.

So they've given it some new lights to produce this Type-R version.

They're deciding whether to sell it in Britain,

so they rang and said, "Your Stig, if we ship a car over from Japan,

"could he take it out and do a rap in it?"

We said no, he prefers easy listening... Oh, a LAP!

Oh, a lap! Yes, happy to oblige.

I doubt it'll break the record set by the Westfield -

1 minute 23 seconds.

The engine may have clever valves,

but it's still only a 3.2-litre V6.

And look at that atrocious weather!

CAR STEREO: EASY LISTENING

Ralph McTell, Streets Of London!

That's very sideways. He's nearly off the track!

Its only hope

is if its chassis is a wonder thing.

Look at that!

Nice piece of driving, Stig.

The NSX was good, but at the limit

it was as forgiving as that guard who put Alec Guinness in a box.

What's this one like?

Very heavy braking, turns in...

He's fighting.

One corner to go, 01:23 to beat.

Sideways. And it's 01:33.

That is fantastic. That makes it two seconds faster than a Ferrari 575.

And three seconds faster than the Aston Martin.

Bearing in mind the dry track, that's a quick car.

That was a wet track and Stig was trying.

Oh, my word! Oooh!

Ooh, ho-ho! A bit close to those tyres. Nearly as bad as the Aston Martin crashing.

He'll kill himself soon. Replacement Stig.

Crash aside, it is a fast car, so I think they should bring it over here.

Sell it in Britain? Yeah. We don't care how fast cars go tonight,

what we care is whether they're cool or not.

It's a bit like What Not To Wear.

You are Trinny, I am Susannah.

Takes some imagining without...! Why are you laughing?

People are always mistaking me for Susannah.

Embarrassing. I don't think they'd care for the NSX.

It's clever, but like one of those expensive amplifiers - clever, but a bit nerdy.

This is more a Trinny and Susannah car.

The new Renault Vel Satis.

A completely weird-looking thing, especially round the back.

But beneath the, I think, quite cool exterior,

it's a five-seater rival for the BMW 5 series.

Prices start at £20,000 for the two-litre version.

It's a car for businessmen,

so I took it to the epicentre of the executive hotel

and the crease-free business lifestyle trouser -

Swindon.

This is the M4 corridor.

Lots of businessmen going about business in a business-like way.

Look at him! Look at that!

Rushing off to a business meeting at Diodine systems.

Talking about his backhand with a chap from losealotofmoney.com.

Marvellous.

MUSIC: "Clubbed To Death" by Rob D

Whatever the businessman wants from his car, he's going to find it in the Vel Satis.

It's quiet, comfortable, solid

and with all this wood, it's like driving along in Arthur Negus.

There's power too - it'll dance with the best of them.

This version with the 3.5-litre V6 will do 147 miles an hour.

And here we are.

Turn-off 15, the gateway to Swindon.

Oh, dear. On normal roads everything starts to fall apart.

Mmm.

A few miles of this and I'd be asleep.

Except I wouldn't be,

because every time it runs over a pothole

or a groove in the road, there's an almighty crash and a shudder.

And you wake up. It's very annoying.

CHILL-OUT MUSIC

It's capable of going fast like Queen Victoria was capable of running -

it just doesn't like it very much.

So if you're late, you're better off using a pogo stick.

Or going on your hands and knees.

The Vel Satis is like an avocado -

funny skin and mostly soft but

with a surprising rock-hard centre.

As a car then, it isn't very good.

So will the styling compensate for

that in this safari park for suits?

A Swindon business park.

I haven't explored yet but I know

what's going to be here - it's the same as every other business park.

There'll be smoked glass, the trees will be short because they're as old as the buildings.

The plants won't be found in any textbook...

There'll be a puddle masquerading as a lake.

There'll be a central focal point to give a sense of community.

Um... What else?

Speed bumps. Hundreds of

speed bumps. They'll be everywhere.

Smoked glass. More smoked glass.

More... There's a speed bump.

Here's a plant that would stump Titchmarsh. He'd have no idea what that was.

And there's a puddle which they must call the lake.

All we need now is the central structure,

something to give me a sense of belonging here.

Oh, speed bump!

Look, it's there, it's a windmill! ..Speed bump.

A windmill!

Who would have thought it would be there? That's nice, very nice.

This car is completely stumped by speed bumps.

It has a truly hopeless ride.

But that isn't its biggest problem.

All this is. This is what the businessman wants - conformity.

A water fountain, a secretary called Janet, a normal desk.

He likes to blend. How many have you seen in a lime-green suit?

That means he wants a normal car with a boot and bonnet and a roof.

Not something that's come from the mind of Gerry Anderson.

It's all very well matching the indentation in the fuel cap to those in the bumper.

And having a credit card instead of a key.

I'm sure people in Bono glasses appreciate the zigzaggy rear and the unusual nose.

Renault should know businessmen don't like radical.

This is Renault's old store centre in Swindon.

Amazing, isn't it? Amazing and empty.

Today, no-one wants it.

You know what? Go on.

I'm not a businessman and I love this car's looks.

Would you buy one? No, it's a rubbish car.

I know the best way to describe it.

You know Indian food? Not the stuff you get in Indian restaurants here.

It's poor quality meat so it has that powerful sauce on it.

That's what this is -

poor quality meat with a very powerful sauce. A Renault Jalfrezi!

This isn't just a one-off Ron Davies moment of madness either,

because this is the new Megane.

From the front, it looks conventional. You can have a 1.4, 1.6 or 2-litre petrol engine

or a 1.9-litre diesel. Prices are conventional too - from £10,500.

I've driven it and it struggles to be conventional to drive. It's a bit poor.

But it's been voted Car Of The Year. The judges must have forgotten to look at the back.

They've gone berserk! This is a Renault Double Foul.

If you want berserk, look at this!

This is the Renault Avantime.

This is meant to be a coupe, but they've built it on an MPV.

I think it's absolutely fantastic.

You're joking! I adore this car.

I told the Renault boss I was thinking of buying one and he was like, "Buying one?!

"Um... Right. If you are,

"get in touch and we'll build one properly."

Seriously, he did!

I heard that on some of the early cars they had a problem here and the cars were flexing in the middle.

I don't care. For £24,000, if you want a stylish four-seater, you can't beat this.

Don't go for the red or the blue, it's too boring.

Go for the metallic mushy-pea green with the silver roof. Mwah!

You're weird! A few weeks ago, we set out to prove that older people can drive.

We got together a group of grannies.

We got them to do this.

Harder! Keep it there!

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

They were so good, we tried something trickier.

We're with Russ Swift and the grannies.

Today we're going to teach them to do handbrake parking, which is this:

What do you reckon, you gonna do it? ALL: Yes, yes. Why not? Have a go!

They clearly don't have a clue what it is.

You make parallel parking look easy, but there's quite a lot to it.

What will we teach the grannies? I'll get them to turn in here, put on the handbrake

then slide the car sideways. Turn the car round? Spin it 180 degrees. All on the handbrake? Yes.

What's the hardest part? You have to get the speed right - too fast and you slide into the car behind.

Too slow, you won't turn 180 degrees. You have to put the handbrake on at the right time.

He's going quite fast.

He is, he is.

THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH

Ooh no! Ooh!

I can't wait to find out how you all got on.

But we'll come back later.

I've got to do the news. Righty-ho.

Let's do some news. First up - Nissan are coming back to motor sport. Back?

Back to..? Have Nissan ever been in

motor sport? Yeah. What do you mean?

Lemonse. Lemonse? Where's that?

LAUGHTER

Le Mans. Le Mans.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Did they win? You don't know.

They're coming back, not to Lemonse.

They're in the Dakar Rally with a pick-up truck.

But we're not that interested in the car,

but in the people who'll drive it.

They're all completely gay-looking.

LAUGHTER

Look at their arms in this pose and everything! And their outfits.

Do they know the Dakar Rally's very rough and gritty? Ruins your skin.

They'll have handcream, facial scrub. He won't

look like that when he gets back!

All the very best, duckies. Right.

Talking about cars for girls, MX5 - I like these.

They've brought out a limited edition at £16,995. How much is a normal one?

£15,500, so £1,500 more.

So what do you get for your £1,500?

A few bits and pieces - leather seats. Nice.

Worth about 60 quid. OK. Ha-ha!

A Nardi steering wheel. £65. Leather handbrake lever. £67.50

Two-tone gear knob. £68. A Trilogy Badge scuff plate.

£68.20. Oh, and some chrome air vents.

A nice round £70.

And a solid silver key ring with three chips of diamond. How much are they worth?

£70 scrap, aren't they? So £200 for the key fob? So £270 and they're charging an extra...?

£1,500. Probably best to avoid that one, then. Yeah. Not good value.

Have you seen Fast And Furious?

It's the worst film ever made by a human being. What do you mean, "No?"

He turns out in a hat... You like Fast And Furious in THAT hat?!

My case rests, Fast And Furious was made for people in hats like that.

It was a group of people in hats like that,

driving around in ludicrous, improbable, very fast American cars.

They're making another. Hoorah!

They obviously thought,

"The cars in the last one weren't very good cos the film's rubbish."

Bond's got an Aston Martin and Jags.

They must have had a long list of manufacturers

because they've ended up with this Hyundai Elantra. Oh, my God! Look at that!

See how the wheels don't fit! That's the car

that's gonna save Fast And Furious?

You called it a...? H-h-h-yundai. Bless you.

I was in Texas filming at the biggest car dealership in the world.

The frontage is a mile long.

I asked the owner what he sold.

He mispronounced every single one.

IN TEXAN DRAWL: Hundi,

Mitsibushy, Teeota,

Neessan, Jagwarr...

LAUGHTER

Bee-em-double-yer - and you call it a..?

H-h-hyun...? I prefer Hundi, very good.

Fast And Furious II, starring a Hundi. I'd watch it. Great.

Renault Vel Satis. Oh, yes. Mm-hm.

We saw it earlier and decided it's stylish. Well, it's now been voted

Tow Car Of The Year. Eh? Ooh, it gets better, this.

LAUGHTER

The best thing is - the only reason to buy this car is cos it's stylish.

And you go and whack a double-axle Buccaneer on the back of it. Why?!

The thing I love -

and they compared it to a Range Rover V8,

a Mercedes Benz ML500 and a Nissan Terrano - that's another four-wheel drive thing.

They say that's better, so I had a look to see why the jury's done it.

They say, and I quote, "It's got automatic headlamps, wipers and an F1-style fuel filler cap."

BMW have released a new two-seater roadster to replace the Z3.

They asked if I'd like to drive it.

I said, "Not if it's like the Z3 - that was a bit girly, really." Look.

They said, "What if we took you to Portugal, put you in a posh hotel?

"Would you drive it?" "Go on, then."

The problem with the Z3 was that

it looked like a sportscar - the long bonnet and two seats over the rear wheels.

When you got in, it didn't deliver.

You were perched too high, rather than slung low.

And then when you got rough with it, it came over all wobbly.

So BMW really are chasing the macho vote with the Z4.

It's bigger, bolder and more substantial.

An angry-looking collection of angles, curves and intersecting lines.

From some views it kind of looks like a rhino - or is that just me?

Now note something - it is the Z4, not the new Z3.

They don't replace the BMW 3 Series with the BMW 4 Series, do they?

Clearly, BMW wanted to start again completely.

So there was something wrong with the old one.

One thing it did very well was sell.

But you could stick a BMW badge on a dead cat and people would buy it.

People are already buying the Z4 without ever seeing it - £30,000 and they've never tried it on!

You did get that, didn't you? At least 30 grand - that's a big price hike.

There are two engines, both straight sixes, 2.5- or 3-litre.

You can have a five- or six-speed manual - it's a mechanical process, changing gear.

ENGINE REVS

And it sounds great!

There's something about the yowl of a straight six!

It stirs the blood.

The new image and price tag pitch the Z4 into a different market.

Suddenly it can't just be fun - it'll be on a list with the Audi TT Roadster,

and the Porsche Boxster - yikes!

It just has plenty of grip.

Really an awful lot of grip.

Almost too much.

I'm not taxing the traction control, it's just grip.

I'm gonna get scared before this thing stops gripping.

I'll keep trying.

I really like roadsters - I even like the name.

It's got a flamboyance to it and says a lot about the car.

You can't measure roadsters on paper against one another -

on the figures.

A roadster's about the whole experience - the look, sound, feel.

I think they've cracked it.

It's not as quick as a Porsche Boxster - fact.

So? That doesn't rule it out - you'd expect this to be good.

This is a Z4, not a Z3. This is one louder.

This is the cool board, which I've just thought of.

We've divided a range of cars into four categories.

Seriously uncool - the Chrysler PT Cruiser and the Volkswagen Beetle.

Uncool - lots of Vauxhalls and Fords and so on.

Cool - the Range Rover, obviously. The Citroen C3.

And then Subzero and we've got the Vanquish in that category.

It's got nothing to do with what the car looks like or how it drives.

It's only to do with how cool it is.

This Jeep Wrangler is a classic case in point.

I've got to be a bit careful here because it belongs to James,

one of our camera operators.

I'm sorry, mate, it's hideous.

It's horrible to drive and you've made it worse by jacking it up.

You can stop laughing - you've got a Porsche Boxster!

Glad you're here. This really works. Some of them aren't obvious, like that thing.

The Hyundai Coupe, that's a really good car but it's a Hyundai.

We've got the Honda Civic Type-R, fantastic to drive but it's uncool.

Audi A2. Dreadful, dreadful car!

It wobbles when you turn the windscreen wiper on! It rocks...

Horrible, but somehow quite cool.

Can I pull at your boyish enthusiasm here for this idea?

It was really nice of you to consult nobody. He just sticks pictures on. But I'm right!

I noticed, under uncool, that's a Ferrari 360. It's a big Fiat.

It's a Ferrari, it's cool! Back me up. Is that not a cool car?

Hands up if you think it's uncool?

Now hands up if you think it's cool? I thank you!

The Z3, we all agree, really uncool.

But you say the new Z4...

We have to put it down there because all BMWs are uncool,

X5 in particular. Particularly when they've got drug-dealer wheels,

like this one! Really uncool, man in pink shirt who has one.

But Range Rover, fantastic car. You bought the wrong one!

But you say the Z4... That's a cool car.

It's more muscular, with more presence.

First BMW since 1976 that gets into the cool category. The Fiat Multipla.

That's a really good one cos... MAN IN AUDIENCE: No!

It's ugly, yes, but it's cool! It's cool!

AUDIENCE: No! It's cool and going in the cool bit.

I'm with you on that one.

Lexus - I'm not taking any nonsense. I'm right.

Lexus IS-200 - was a cool car. Alan Partridge has got one!

Not cool any more. Uncool. How do we make it stick?

This one, so uncool, we're going to have to... Will it stick in there? Yes, it sticks!

It's found its home! Audi TT.

Well, it was...

INAUDIBLE COMMENT FROM AUDIENCE

Precisely.

The Volkswagen Beetle was launched, then we had to wait a year for it.

If you're going to make a car a fashion statement, get it out now.

This started here and it's moved along.

We think that now, it's here. If you want one, you've got 20 minutes.

In 20 minutes, it's going to be here, OK?

And then finally, the Renault Avantime.

If you start going on about that... You're not going... It's ridiculous.

Subzero. Beyond the Mini, the Land Rover Defender and the Vanquish.

That's the coolest car money can buy. Don't argue.

You are quite scary on that. There is a debate here

with this thing you thought up.

If you've got your own opinion on it, let us know via our website.

We had 82,000 responses when we did this with good-looking cars.

Some hotly debated issues there.

Have a look around our website. Agree with me, not him.

Ford Focus is in the wrong category. It should be there. Do it now.

We're back with our grannies. Remember Sadie?

She was the star of our doughnut challenge. Wow.

INSTRUCTOR: Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Good girl! That's brilliant!

That was really good, Sadie. But could she do a handbrake park?

Off you go, up to 4,000 revs.

Here it comes! Here's Sadie! Come on, Sadie! Come on!

Handbrake!

SHRIEKING AND LAUGHTER

Next up, it was Joy.

This is going to be fun. Will she run us down?

Hand on the handbrake. Don't do it until I say.

He's very, very patient. He's so patient.

Stop! Joy!

Oh dear, was this a granny challenge too far? Anne was next.

Good luck!

Faster...

And brake.

Well done!

I can do it better than him!

Can Gwyneth beat that?

Keep going.

Ooh. Here she comes.

Turn.

Oh yes! Beautiful!

Ye-a-a-a-a-ah! She's on the grass!

Well done.

Finally, Beryl had a go. On you go!

Keep going... Turn! Handbrake!

Wo-ho!

Well done! That went a bit skewwhiff!

So, you could do it. That's brilliant.

Doughnuts and handbrake turns.

Next time there's a WI meeting, in the car park it won't smell of gingerbread, but of burning rubber!

Thanks to our grannies - big round of applause.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, right, listen. Tonight's show is all about fashion and cool.

There was only one star we could put in our reasonably-priced car.

Just a moment... Ladies and gentlemen, let's meet her.

God Almighty! Tara Palmer-Tompkinson!

BLOKES CHEER

Hello, darling. How are you?

All right, thanks.

Eurghhh. Don't do that. It's like having an anaesthetic in your mouth.

What do you think? You got me some lovely flowers. £3.95.

They're just about OK. And lovely Milk Tray, cos the lady loves...

Jason! You've eaten the chocolates again! That's terrible.

I'll eat the pot pourri. Jason will eat that.

Driving. Yes. You and I have met before in a car.

This was old Top Gear and this was old Tara. It was a long time ago.

Shall we remind ourselves what Tara's like behind the wheel of a car?

Look at this. Oh, no.

Don't look at the shops. Have they changed Gucci windows?

I just want to show everyone that these are the shoes I'm driving in.

I've had my hazard lights on the whole time! No, you kicked them while demonstrating your shoes.

I can do it in stiletto heels too.

Lights are red! I wasn't going to go through.

That's enough of that. That was a long time ago. At one point,

we hit - and I have to look disapproving for this -

100mph on Sloane Street, which is in London.

Do you crash a lot? No, I don't actually, no.

No, I don't.

A report said women are more prone to crash into stationary objects.

And that men crash into high-speed things.

No, no, I don't crash but when I park,

I think the bumpers are there so you go, bump, bump, bump, in.

Let's move on. What do you look for in a car?

What attracted you to the free Honda?

Not that it was free, of course.

No, I look for...

I like convertible cars, actually. I've always loved them.

I like fast cars. What's your perfect car?

Um, the Jaguar XK8, without a doubt. It's most beautiful car I've ever driven.

Ferraris, are they cool? No, they remind me of a bad day in France.

You see, I said they are!

But I've got to say, look, if a guy has worked really hard

and he gets a bonus and his dream was to have a Ferrari,

why shouldn't he spend his Christmas bonus on it?

His Christmas bonus?!

You know, you hear about these bonuses.

In the City, some people get big bonuses.

In Rotherham, nobody gets £100,000 bonuses.

But if somebody's worked their ass off and they get the car,

why shouldn't they get the car they like?

But I don't like a car which is flashy and vulgar.

Have you got a boyfriend? No. I did Blind Date last night.

Blind Date? Yes. It's on on Christmas Day. Spoil it for us -

what happened? I'm not telling you but I'm going on my date on Friday.

You're going to New York. Now there's no point in watching.

Can I make a suggestion? You like the Jaguar XK8?

It's a nice car but what you want is a Mitsubishi Evo 7.

Really? You won't like it but a girl in one of those

is about as big a turn-on as anything I can imagine.

Well, hello? I want to ask the men's opinion. Do you all agree?

MEN: Yes.

Where's the shop where they're sold? The shop...

LAUGHTER If it's still open, I'm going there.

I'll find out where a Mitsubishi garage is. They're not expensive.

Why is it sexy? What is it? Why?

It's a really serious rally car, very, very fast. Love it.

No girl, in human history, has ever bought one. That will be me.

What would you think if a man had that in his house or flat?

It's a wine cooler, no, not a cooler, a storage thing.

Head gaskets from an Audi A6. Do you think it's cool? Yes, I do.

That's really cool. I do too. I was worried... That's excellent.

A magazine rack which is a spring. Yes, now, oh, my goodness!

That is heavy. Look at these.

This is a coat hook. These are...? No idea. Valves.

Do you know where you are?! You like that?

I like that. Cool. It's not jewellery.

Have it. Take it all away.

Presents! They'll look nice in my new loft apartment.

You're driving our reasonably priced car. The Suzuki? Yes.

What did you think? Nice runaround.

It could have done with going quicker, but it was very good.

This is how fast our guests have been. Let's see!

Jay Kay - two seconds less than me.

Annoying.

Were they all in the Suzuki? Yes.

Steve Coogan did it in 1.53. Ross Kemp 1.54.

Jonathan Ross 1.57. Harry Enfield - two days.

God! Slow.

Two days and an hour, that is.

It was wet and my coat was in the car.

Best excuse we've had so far. Shall we see the lap? Yeah! Here we go.

'You looked scared! I was.'

Jeremy, I'll say what I'm doing.

I go quickly by pretending I'm coming up to Harvey Nichols...

The shop is about to close. I have get there to get the shoes I want.

Brake! They're closing the doors!

Sexy man on the street, wave to him.

All very simple, mind over matter.

IN STUDIO: That looks...oh!

Last thing you want to think about is the car.

Imagine you're driving without clothes, singing...

What are you talking about?! You said to talk your way through!

I'm impressed with that!

That's on the mark. Understeer.

Oof!

Jeepers creepers! Nice, well held!

That was very well held. Not bad. Look, in the lines!

And you're across the line! Yay!

APPLAUSE

Somebody told me you cut a corner.

Did anyone see that? None of them did!

I didn't. Who said it?

A producer said it. I had a careful look and I don't think you did.

This is important - you're the first girl here.

I beat Harry Enfield. You have.

Did you go faster than Ross?

I may have done. You did!

Did you go faster than Ross Kemp? Probably not. You didn't.

You drew with him! 1.54! Oh!

APPLAUSE

Look at that! Look at that!

Just behind Steve Coogan. My dad will be proud.

Nice to have had you. I've loved it. Tara!

APPLAUSE

This week's Insider Trading. The Suzuki Liana.

Well priced. £9,995. Tara liked it.

Jonathan Ross called it a beast.

Yes. Jay Kay said it was all right.

And he's a rock star. And it's a bargain.

But I got an e-mail from a Suzuki dealer. They said it's not £9,995 but £8,995.

Reasonable price! I thought so.

Then I got two e-mails from two other dealers - £7,995.

Insane!

We ought to change the feature. It's now Star In A Reasonably Priced, Heavily Discounted Car.

It's that pre-Christmas time of year, so a car-buying tip for you.

Some companies have to dispose of

their used cars before the year end.

It's about financial constraints. They have to carry some stock into the new year.

They'll sell a load. It doesn't affect smaller dealers.

It's the big ones. So knowing that, if you buy a used car from a plc in the next four to five weeks,

keep that in mind and get a good deal.

They may not advertise, but... But now you know, so go and do that deal.

Finance. Loads of people use it to buy a car. Rates are low at the moment.

But when you part-exchange, you have to settle the finance.

When you do a deal at a garage, they will settle that for you.

They'll cover it from the value of your car. Why?

For their peace of mind. Until then, they can't trade it -

they want it off the finance register.

However, my friend got a letter from his finance company saying he owed £1,500

but he part-exchanged in August.

They hadn't paid it? They hadn't paid it, and he's still liable.

Worse, he phones the dealer, and they've gone bust.

This isn't a small dealer. A main dealer has gone bust.

He's liable for the outstanding finance. What can we do to avoid it?

One of two things - YOU can settle the finance.

Or if the dealer wants to do it, see the cheque they'll send.

See the cheque, then phone the finance company later to make sure. Then you're safe. Yes.

We've talked about cool cars. Here's a used car that's never out of fashion.

The VW Golf.

There are cheaper cars and prettier cars. There are better cars.

But if we're talking about style, we have to talk about the Golf.

When it launched in 1974, the Golf defined what the small hatchback was about.

In the '80s, the Mk II really made the car a style icon, with the help of TV ads.

# Here today

# And gone tomorrow

# But the world goes on the same. #

In the caring '90s, the Mk III captured the mood, selling itself as safe and green,

even though it was heavy and dull compared to its predecessors.

People said VW should have stopped making the Golf - it had gone too soft. But they didn't.

TYRES GRATE

Woh!

Launched in 1998, the Mk IV has the same dependable, reliable character as the Mk III.

These versions will never deliver

the excitement of the Mks I and II.

Let your head rule your heart, and they're definitely the best second-hand buy.

Get a good mid-'90s Mk III for £4,000.

Or a Mk IV, with reasonable mileage, for £6,500.

One of the reasons these cars hold

their value so well is the styling. It's very conservative.

You could buy a Mk III, and no-one would say "cheapskate". It looks the part.

As a used car, this is the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.

Park this on your drive, neighbours will never know how you're doing.

Engines? Maybe a 1.4, but they're

slow. There's the 1.6 and 2-litre.

I'd go for the 1.6. Only 15bhp less, and it's a couple of insurance groups lower.

If you want a second-hand Golf with performance, buy a diesel.

You can buy a second-hand Golf diesel with 110, 130 or 150bhp.

With the torque you get from diesel,

they'll embarrass all the petrols.

You'll also get 40 miles to the gallon.

So if you fancy buying a used Golf, what else do you need to know?

A couple of things. One, unless you've got to, avoid the automatic.

Most models only have four speeds - you'll dent performance and economy.

Look for air conditioning.

It's not standard on all, but nice to have.

Finally, colour. Colour is very important.

This should be the most desirable Golf money can buy.

It's a GT TDI. It's got air conditioning.

But look at the colour! It's a horrible green, with a horrible interior.

So this car is worth £500 less than a blue one, a silver one or a black one.

The Golf has always had style.

In this colour, it's out of fashion.

You tell us clever ways to save money.

You save £500 for the wrong colour - so do that and save money.

You've got to live with the car! Nothing worse than being ashamed.

Some cars work in some colours, don't they?

Jaguars work in silvers and blues.

And that launch colour you see

on cars - that autumnal barley gold. For heaven's sake! >

Enough of autumnal colours.

To my cool wall, which I've remembered.

The reason is the Mercedes SL.

The '60s version, which I have a photo of here, is cool. Kate Moss has one.

Are we agreed? ALL: Yeah.

It goes here. Subzero. But then came the '70s and '80s.

They had this version. What do we think? ALL: Uncool. Uncool.

Bobby Ewing had one in Dallas. It's going there.

That was replaced by this. I'm afraid it had the kiss of death.

Quentin Willson bought one.

LAUGHTER

Where's it going? ALL: Seriously uncool!

But now, there is a new Mercedes SL for the 21st century.

And we've got one over here.

Now, the question I have is, can you buy one?

I don't mean its affordability, at £67,000,

but could you drive around in this without people laughing.

This is the 500, and I think the answer is...no.

But this has a big brother.

This is it - the AMG tuned SL55,

the world's fastest automatic car.

Its super-charged 5.5-litre V8 engine churns out nearly 500bhp.

It has a top speed, if you take the restrictor off, of over 200mph.

But I'm not going 200 miles an hour.

I'm not even going 20 miles an hour.

And there's a very good reason why.

Most of the cars we feature are borrowed from huge manufacturers.

We keep them for a week and give them back when the tyres wear out.

But this one is different.

This one belongs to me.

I bought it, they're my tyres and I'm not going to wear them out.

I sold a Ferrari 355 to buy this. That was a fabulous car.

It was as relaxing as being tickled. The Mercedes can play that game too.

But unlike the Ferrari, it's also good at chess.

After a hard day at work - not that I've ever had a hard day at work -

but if I ever did, I could waft home in this in absolute luxury.

It has the toys we saw in the S-Class last week -

the air-conditioned seats massage you, you've got TV and CD,

the phone, radar-guided cruise control, and voice activation.

I go,

"CD3, track 5." And I waft home to the sounds of Coldplay

in perfect, perfect, silence and comfort.

The Ferrari could never do this - not this silence,

softness, quietness.

Here's something else it couldn't do.

When the sky is blue, you push a button and in 16 seconds,

the roof is gone.

So now,

the comfortable grand tourer is a two-seater sports car.

But none of the practicality has been lost.

Even though that metal roof is in the boot,

there is still space for my suitcase,

my briefcase, and 16 changes of clothing.

This is such a well thought-out car.

You don't even need to worry about your Wilmslow weave coming off.

If you push this button here,

the roll-over bar pops up and there's a wind deflector.

Keep your Prestbury perm in place.

Your Hazlemere highlights.

You can have the most expensive hairdo in the world

and it'll be safe.

I have a cheap hairdo so we'll put it back down.

I don't have a hairdo - I just have hair.

Occasionally you catch a glimpse of the aluminium slashes on the bonnet

which are like a big cat's claws, and you think,

"I'm wasting this car.

"I've got to open the taps just, just a little bit."

HE LAUGHS

O-h-h-h!

We're doing seven miles per gallon, traction control is on full alert

and it sounds...

like a World War II fighter.

This is the kind of noise - deep,

resonating noise - that hurts dogs.

I come home in this, my Labradors stick their paws in their ears...

DISTRESSED DOGGY WHIMPERING

..and whimper.

Phwoar!

They actually use one of these as

a pace car - a kind of safety car - in Grand Prix races.

And if you're watching, even on TV,

you can hear a sort of baritone backdrop to the shrieking soprano F1 motors.

In a straight line,

it monsters the 355 - it has 100 more brake horse power.

It's not all sweetness and light.

It lacks the finesse of a Ferrari.

Run over a pothole, the suspension crashes, and through the corners,

there's no getting away from the

fact that it's a heavy old Hector.

TYRES SCREECH

So, how do we sum it up?

The Ferrari is like a stiletto - sleek, accurate, deadly.

This, on the other hand, is more like a hammer.

Big, a bit clumsy, but it'll still kill you.

Actually, not a hammer.

It's more like a Swiss Army Knife. It's a top-down funster.

A long-distance cruiser,

a muscle car, a Messerschmitt ME109,

and if your horse gets a stone

in its shoe, it can deal with that.

So, Jeremy, you think the AMG version is a cool car.

The engine rescues it, but I am aware that the rest of it is quite Northern and that's the trouble.

I am a Northern person - I like onyx coffee tables.

I'm sorry, I do. I know I shouldn't have a carpet in my bathroom.

But I've got one. You've got a drinks globe.

I haven't, but secretly, in there, I want one.

That's it. And on that bombshell, we have to end the show...

That's not strictly correct - you see, this whole SL thing,

do you not think it's slightly camp?

All these bits and pieces.

LAUGHTER

We did. We had a mooch about. Michelle, can you bring it in?

We had a look on the internet.

This is a website - Out UK - and it's for gay men.

SNIGGERING

It's a lifestyle thing.

It's got...

It's got everything you need - what to watch on TV...

If the SL's in here, it's for sale. It has car stuff.

If we look down, we have "auto erotic". There's a little Smart.

We found the top ten gayest cars

and at number four, quite near the top, really,

that's the Mercedes SL55 AMG.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

What's even more worrying, the car

I singled out for particular praise,

the Jeep Wrangler, is at number two!

Is there anything you need to tell us?

It's not just the onyx table and

the bathroom carpet. I'm coming out.

And the other point is, this is a fast car.

How many more points have you got? It is a fast car, isn't it?

Mine is.

I noticed the Stig didn't drive it.

There was no way I was going

to let the Stig drive it, seriously.

It's your car. Exactly. But we let

him drive it when we stole the keys.

You're joking!

Oh, that was a useless start.

It was a quick start. If he's broken the clutch, I'll kill him.

Proper speed.

Look at that - he's moving.

# Don't go breaking my heart. #

He is breaking my heart! And in your car!

He's one minute 23, to beat. He's

trying hard. He went off the track!

Oh!

# Don't go breaking my heart. #

This isn't funny! Jeremy, it'll be fine.

He's near the line and he crosses the line in...

My car!

But also in one minute 33,

which is extremely quick.

That's a wet time - knock four seconds off,

it's as fast as the Lamborghini.

So your car is very, very fast. Gay, but very, very fast.

And you got it back in one piece.

Happy? To be honest, I'm not happy.

That really is the end of your life.

And the show. I dare say we're all going off to do different things.

Those of you under ten will go to bed. Good night.

Those of you with an IQ of under ten will watch Celebrity Big Brother.

While the rest of us will stay with BBC Two - it's the final

of the Great Britons debate.

Ten presenters slug it out, then

we name the greatest Briton ever.

As you may know, I was involved.

I'm not biased - I'll make that plain. Vote for who you like.

There's the drunken Kurd-killer,

the megalomaniac who began a civil war and killed half of Ireland,

the pretty, if thin, princess, the bearded plagiarist or the boring Bard,

or you could vote for Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

CHEERING

I'm not biased, but he was a genius who quite simply built the world we live in today.

So I'll see you on the other side of the credits, but from here, from everyone, good night!

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast - 2002

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk