Original subtitles

In tonight's programme - a supercar from a shed in Leicestershire.

A star in a reasonably priced car.

And how many motorbikes can you jump with a bus?

But first, the 1960s.

Now, it was possible to go fast back then if you had enough money to buy a Ferrari or a Maserati.

But then Ford thought, "We've got all these cars, why don't we fit some with big engines?"

This was an incredibly important moment.

Suddenly everyone could afford to go fast.

They created the boy racer.

Suddenly Mr Barrington-Smythe was overtaken by Barry Smith!

We've been joined tonight by

members of the Ford RS Owners Club.

Here they are.

Let me give you a flavour of those who drive RS Fords. Your name is?

Lee. Lee, OK. At the back there,

we've got Wayne and his girlfriend.

Anyone want to guess his girlfriend's name? Tracey!

Yeah!

A word of warning.

I've learnt over the years,

never ever slag off a fast Ford.

These people don't write polite letters.

They sling a brick!

Brick with "Git" written on it comes through your window.

Bearing that in mind, Ford should be worried.

When they dropped the RS Cosworth here, they said there would be an RS version of the Focus.

They promised 300bhp and four-wheel drive. Here it is!

Now, it is quite a looker.

Well, it's better looking than your hair! Sorry!

Got an RS? RS hairdo there!

Disappointingly, this doesn't have 300hp and four-wheel drive.

It has front-wheel drive and 212bhp.

Still, we'll test it out.

But first of all, the competition.

The most obvious contender is this, the Subaru Impreza.

So, we fitted it with a Stig and

launched him onto our test track.

The Ford is a jumped-up road car. This is a scaled-down rally car.

Turbo-charged engine, four-wheel drive.

Not the best looking car.

He crosses the line in...

Here he comes... ..one minute 39 seconds.

Next, the Honda Civic Type-R.

What you need to know about

the Civic is that my mother has one.

It's a motherly sort of car.

Except this one, which is a mother of a car.

Will it beat the Subaru? Crosses the line in...

one minute 38.06.

The Honda WAS faster than the Subaru much to the disappointment of the Owners Club - all five of them!

They said if it was raining it

would be different - but it wasn't.

You lost!

Let's find out how the watered-down Ford gets on.

Action control switched off.

We've got telemetry. What's he listening to? Christopher Cross?!

In the centre is a "G" meter.

Down for acceleration, up for braking. That was nearly one G.

He's topping a ton!

He brakes hard.

Everything understeers.

He's gone a bit wide, though.

Is he going to lift? Changed up into fourth.

This is the fastest part of the track. Flat out through there.

The Suzuki only did 87.

Is he going to waste all that power?

How tidy is it? Very tidy!

Well, one thing's for sure, the RS Owners Club

won't be poking dog mess

through the Stig's letterbox!

One minute 33.8.

Four seconds faster than the Honda.

Four seconds! That's a week if you were a dog.

So, plainly I had to go and drive this car in the real world.

But where? Somewhere with miles and miles of empty roads.

That means somewhere where no-one wants to live.

MUSIC: "Bread Of Heaven" by William and Peter Williams.

Wales!

Sheep!

There are so many empty roads it's hard to know where to start.

Welcome then, to RS country!

Nothing but the odd woolly maggot to spoil the fun.

Sitting here, there's no evidence that this could nuke a Subaru Impreza.

Apart from the sporty seats and

start button and this hideous wheel,

which appears to have come from a discount store for £9.99,

it just feels like a normal Focus.

ENGINE REVS

It sounds like one too.

There's no cup holder - nowhere to put my can of piping hot coffee.

Even when you bury the throttle into the Dagenham deep pile,

there are still no real clues.

Obviously, it's fast.

Anything with a two litre turbo-charged engine

pumping 212bhp

isn't going to mooch around like a shop girl.

But...

it doesn't have the same straight line oomph

as the Impreza.

In fact, from 0-100mph, this is two seconds slower.

The reason why it was so fast round our track is simple.

This thing corners like it's in a cartoon.

Between the front wheels is a new type of differential.

You can turn into any corner

at seemingly any speed and the front just goes.

Buff! Buff!

No fuss, no drama, no understeer. Just endless grip.

It's rather like one of those American Marines in a movie.

No matter how suicidal or stupid

the order, he just obeys.

Yes, sir!

"Run in front of all of those enemy guns." "Sir, yes, sir!"

Go round this hairpin bend at 150mph.

Sir, yes, sir!

It gets away with it! It DOES go round hairpin bends at 150mph.

I have never driven a front-wheel drive car that drives so well.

Yet, this one is yours for less than £20,000.

Once again, Ford has delivered a supercar at supermarket prices.

This car does what all Fords should do. It brings power to the people.

Look at the badges you get in this one tiny area.

Brembo, RS.

In clothing terms, it's like a pair of trousers jointly designed

by Oswald Boateng, Alexander McQueen and Paul Smith.

A fantastic car in every way...

No. Afraid not.

It's not the very firm ride.

I don't mind the very firm ride.

The only people who are going to

mind are those with osteoporosis.

People who are old enough to have osteoporosis will never buy a car with a steering wheel like this.

Especially as it won't pick up Radio Two.

RADIO CRACKLES

The horror!

I might have to listen to Radio One!

The radio and and the ride are nothing compared to what happens when you turn off an A road

and head to Yu-uk-vi-yaa...!

On a bumpy, twisty road

the differential causes the front wheels to squirm and writhe.

It's like riding an angry horse.

That's not me making it duck and weave. It's doing it itself.

Relax your grip

or your concentration for a second

and you'll end up in a sheep!

I used to have an Escort Cosworth and I'm a huge fan of RS Fords.

As a piece of engineering, it's brilliant.

It's so good that I'm going to let the cameraman drive home.

Me, I'm going to go in the Subaru.

Or, as they say in Wales, where they're allergic to vowels,

the S-ssch-bbb-zzz!

What was wrong with it? I'll tell you what was wrong.

When you accelerate to overtake and give it full throttle,

the diff grabs the front wheels and you go in the direction they point.

You've no control. You're just not strong enough to turn the wheel.

Over a camber change or a white line, it pulls it the other way.

Super torques, then? You just wobble!

Honestly, if someone says, "Where do you work?" you'd have to say, "Wherever it takes me!"

No dealers in the UK have these as demos, so if you want to buy one,

but you want to test it, you can't.

I saw an ad, "Buy a RS Focus, £1,200 off list."

No? Obviously this is a bad plan.

It wouldn't have been a Ford dealer, their Fords sold till March, April.

That's probably a broker and to be honest, a spoof ad.

We did it all the time. Really? Advertise a car you haven't got.

So he hasn't got any Focuses to sell? I can't comment on this incident, but I'd be surprised.

If you call, what will he say? "I'm very busy, let me take your name and I'll phone you back."

Then they phone you back, they take a credit card deposit - all this kind of stuff.

Basically, they want you to phone them. As it gets close to delivery,

they'll have a delay, but they'll have an option on another one,

that's closer to the list price and you won't want to lose the car.

They'll have it, but list price.

You take it to avoid being back in the queue.

In the news, there's more news on Americans

becoming very gullible. I'm quoting from the press.

The popularity of TV broadcasts of live high speed car chases

has lead to a dramatic rise in criminals trying to outrace police.

In other words, they're surprised

that when you put these guys stealing cars and driving fast on TV, more people do it.

You can buy a beeper that goes off when a chase happens!

Whoo! There's one, I'll turn over and watch that!

The US is surprised more people are stealing cars, they've got cases

of people waving to cameras whilst attempting a high speed chase!

They've got those big, powerful police cars. It wouldn't work here.

Your beeper goes off - there's a medium speed police chase!

Anyway, other items in the news.

Vauxhall.

CROWD: Boo!

I love Vauxhalls!

The one I particularly like is the Zafira.

An Astra-sized estate thing with seven seats and folding seats.

They've done it again with a smaller one called the Mi... Unpronounceable!

There it is, the Miriva. It's only got five seats.

But the ones in the back fold into the floor completely.

Or you can take the middle one out. There's a shot of the Motor Show.

It's a fantastically clever piece of design.

Vauxhall - hopeless at everything but very good at seats!

Family cars, these are very good. Very, very good.

Maybe they should make a range of furniture and forget the car thing.

Because your seats could fold into your floor, you'd have lots of space,

and when you have guests, fold them out. Vauxhall seating in your home.

I've got a nice car - Mazda RX8.

It is a rotary engine which means it's only 1.3 and it develops 250bhp.

Of course it's... It's a wankel thing, isn't it?. It is.

LAUGHTER

It's a wankel thing.

There's nothing funny about wankel! Wankel's cool.

It says here, that as a safety measure, the rear doors -

cos it's got rearward opening doors -

the rear doors can only be opened when the front doors are open.

Which, if you think about it, isn't a safety measure.

That's a nasty design fault.

Cos it's shiny side down in a ditch, you want to open all the doors fast.

I like the optimism in the press release. It talks about the engine.

"With a name derived from the word genesis" - derived, so not similar,

they've called it the "Renesis".

What are we going to do? Start with "A". Aenesis, Benesis...

Could've started with a "P". Could've been bad, eh? That close.

The VW... Tuareg.

We did evolve a technique for saying that. Yeah.

BOTH: Tuareg. It's a Saharan tribe of people. The Tuareg? Yeah.

If that's what it is. The Tuareg.

LAUGHTER

It is a Porsche KN with the word "Porsche" crossed out and "Volkswagen" written in in crayon.

It has a V10 diesel engine... Oh, I've nodded off.

I've said these... That'll be fun. You say the word diesel

and my seat goes into recline mode.

Can I mend this? You won't get that fixed. You need... Stop everything.

At the NEC this week... I'll tell you what I saw this morning.

Go on. Ready? I saw a bus on the M4 bus lane. An actual bus?

For the first time in five years.

It was an airport bus taking stewardesses for some light sex in London - but it was a bus.

"It's a bus!" You can see everyone crammed into those two loads, been there for four-and-a-half years.

Finally one comes along. It's worth the money then. A million quid.

Anyway, the most important thing of the week

is MG, OK? They have got a new car

at the motor show this week. Here it is. God, it's smoking badly.

Anyway, this is it.

That is a fabulous looking car. I think it's desperately ugly.

But that's my view. You know those glasses you wear occasionally?

Where are you on this? Jeremy's there. There.

The tall lanky fella... Do you like it? Er...

I have to see it in the flesh. No. There's too many grills. Was it designed by a heating engineer?!

It's fantastic looking car. It's a fantastic looking car.

Let's see. Who thinks it's a fantastic looking car?

Who thinks it has too many radiator grills?

That's a split. 50-50. I'll bring them round.

Would you like to know about its engine? AUDIENCE: Yes.

It's got a Mustang V8 under there. No, it's not a very good engine.

But you can get one standard tune - there are three levels of tune -

you can get one, 410bhp. Wow. Yeah. £65,000, 410.

This is MG coming back. However,

they are selling accessories which allow you to take that power to...

Anyone want to guess? AUDIENCE MEMBER: 550. 965bhp.

That's 100 more than Michael Schumacher has in his Ferrari!

In an MG! In an MG! This is astonishing. Do you know...

What staggers me about that car

is they can't have designed it in the time... since BMW left.

They must have had an underground production line that BMW never knew about.

"Vhat are zey doing in separate grounds?" "I'm not doin' anything mate, I'm just, er..."

LAUGHTER

"Vot iz this vault you have here?

"Have you knocked underneath ze stove?" They had one there.

You can imagine the day BMW left.

"Ve have tried and ve have failed vith you people." "Ta-ra mate, be good."

"Right, get the supercharger, get the nitrous, we'll get started."

"Get it started." They had that lot... All those cars they've done -

the ZTs and ZRs and ZSs - they had that lot ready to go once BMW left.

JEREMY SNORTS

Good on them. Right, I feel the need for science coming on.

How many times in our lives will we have to watch some insane loon jumping over buses on a motorbike?

It would be much more interesting, rather than jumping buses in a bike,

to see how many bikes you can jump - with a bus. So we did.

We must remember in 1978

when Eddie Kidd, legendary stunt motorcyclist,

and the inspiration behind scuffed elbows and bent pushbikes, jumped 14 buses.

But we wanted to do it differently.

We wanted to see what would happen if you jumped a bus over 14 bikes. Now that would be something.

14 bikes - that's about 30 feet.

OK, Eddie Kidd's jump was 200 feet but then he wasn't doing it in a bus.

It's a 1970s Daimler Fleetline. 11-litre engine in cream and green -

the Ipswich livery. And it's a beauty.

And that's the set up. We honestly have no idea what's going to happen.

But that's the way with science. Sometimes you've got to have faith in your ideas.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Ah, the joy of prolonging that! We're going to do it.

We'll do it later on. But how many bikes do you think it cleared?

I reckon... A million. A million! No.

I reckon... I don't know this actually. I reckon...five. Five?

Let's have some more suggestions. AUDIENCE MEMBER: 29. There were 14, you fool.

If he went back and did them again it wouldn't count.

We'll take your bets and you can win...something.

Some Werther's Originals. Yes.

Now this, down here,

is the Noble M12 GTO.

Its plastic body is made in South Africa

by a company that makes plastic replicas of ACs for the US.

It's then flown to Leicestershire where it's taken to a shed,

where a man called Lee fits it with a Mondeo engine.

Not a particularly promising start then.

But it's not a bad car. It's not a bad car at all.

# I was up for a good time... #

It's quite a dainty looking thing

but that huge wing on the back suggests it's no fairy cake.

It's much the same story in here.

It's very comfortable, lovely ride. I've got tons of space.

I've got air-conditioning, steering wheel adjust. They've even covered the roll cage in alcantara.

But listen.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

It sounds like Darth Vader's in the boot.

"Where are plans of the rebel base?

"Sister, Obi-Wan was wise to hide this from me."

HE BREATHES LIKE DARTH VADER

What an extraordinary noise.

SPLUTTERING CONTINUES

Ooh, I like that.

That's the sound of two turbos that were glued onto the Mondeo engine

to give it a bit more punch.

CAR TYRES SCREECH

A lot more actually. If you floor the throttle, there's a pause

while the turbos build up. Then... Woo!

0-60 takes 4.4 seconds and then it'll wheeze its way

to 165 miles an hour... which it's doing now!

This is a quick car.

But actually it's not the power or the look which set the Noble apart.

It's the way it goes around corners.

CAR TYRES SCREECH

You've probably heard people prattling on

about the Ferrari 355 or the Lotus Elise.

I'VE prattled on about them - but this is in a different league.

It doesn't feel like the steering wheel is connected to the tyres,

by anything so mundane as mechanics or engineering.

It's like using the force.

"Use the force, Jeremy. Use the force."

HE BREATHES LIKE DARTH VADER

And it absolutely will not under steer.

There's just tons and tons of grip

and then when it does let go, it's the back

which just gently, calmly,

steps out of lane.

You know I've driven some pretty good cars in my time.

To be honest, I've driven every car in my time.

But this, as far as handling is concerned,

purely is a driver's car.

I think it's my favourite. I really do.

# ..To try to get with somebody like me.. #

Listen to that sound.

CAR ENGINE REVS

I don't know another car like this.

I just so love it.

"I shall go after Skywalker. Get me my Noble."

It's better than stuff costing ten times as much.

£40,000?

CAR TYRES SCREECH

It's a bargain.

You may have noticed that the brake lights were flicking on and off.

That wasn't me left-foot braking.

If I tried, I'd crash. There was a loose connection.

There are other problems. At the front you need a screwdriver.

With the window - that's Noble's idea of down.

And you must see its turning circle.

This is the double-V word doing a U-turn. That's the space it needs.

Here's the Noble, full lock, and... oh, Lord.

LAUGHTER

That's not completely brilliant. You need Belgium to turn around in.

Jeremy, stop it. That's dirty. And it's not very nice to look at.

Seriously, apart from the turning circle, is it really that good? Yes.

We all like it? AUDIENCE: Yes. Anyone not like it?

It's fantastic. It's very good.

Every fast car we test goes round our test track and set a lap time

so we can compare them. The times go up there on our board.

Let's see what the Stig did with it.

The problems of the British weather. Look at that track.

It's soaking wet but the Stig has no fear as he heads on down

to that nasty little jump just before the first corner.

Then he goes... How fast was that? 100mph.

No, it wasn't. Yes, it was 100mph through that first corner.

Down to 60. Coming up through here is tricky as the back will go light.

Brake light's on. Through there.

What is he listening to in there?

Anyone catch that? Sounds of silence.

Here we go down the main straight. 95, 100, 102, 105.

That was 105mph.

The Ford Focus was only doing 99 and that was on a dry track.

Through the hammer head. It doesn't under steer, even when it rains.

Down the main strait, brake hard. Will he get through the follow through flat out? No, he's lifted.

But that's 100mph. That's quick. That's so fast.

This will be a fast lap time, even on a wet track.

Now he's onto the main straight.

And what's his speed? 106. 106mph.

And the breaking time is three times the breaking distance.

He must brake again. Will he keep it smooth?

Maximum power and across the line in...

01.32.9 on a wet track.

Is the Stig brave, or a bit stupid?

It's a racing driver, it doesn't

understand fear. I wouldn't do that.

I'll put it to 1.33, but I'll put a "W" because it was wet.

It was wet, and this is a £40,000 car,

and the Zonda was a £310,000 car.

It's not bad. Quite an achievement.

You know when the Honda did 1.23? Mm-hmm.

We said if your car can do it quicker than that, contact us.

We were expecting some pretty exotic stuff.

We've had thousands of e-mails.

Some make us worry about our audience.

A guy here on this e-mail says he'll easily do it in his...Triumph Spitfire.

65bhp. He might as well do it in his tumble dryer!

Another guy reckons he'll smash the time,

and that's quoted directly, "smash" the time in his 911 Turbo.

I've got three words for you. No you won't.

Let's talk about rock stars.

Most wouldn't know a good car if it offered to pleasure them in a limo.

All they want is to get invited on to Ant and Lard and be picked up in a Citroen.

My guest tonight is a proper rock star.

Give him a car like this and he'd lose it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jamiroquai front man, Jay Kay.

All right, sir? Thank you.

How are you? I'm very well.

Have a seat. Thank you.

You are quite a car fan. Just a bit.

We were going through the office, I was working on my perfect garage.

It'd have a Mercedes Pullman, Ferrari 550, Lamborghini Miura.

SV. SV. Of course. Have any of those?

Yeah, all of them.

What else?

A 360 Spider, a DB5,

a Concourse 2002 Turbo 74.

That one interests me. Why have you got...

I've always had 2002s.

My first car was a 1602, which is a little underpowered job.

Your first car? I bought it off two old ladies.

They said, "We did 1,500 miles in it this year." I did that in a week!

That was a '72. It had all the original stickers and everything.

I went up to touring injection internationals.

Then I had a dog of a turbo. It only did about 1,572 of them.

Now I've got a Concourse ex-BMW Car Club winner.

Oh, a really good one. You were

a fan of the three litre CSLs.

I used to have an original batmobile. A 3.2.

3.2 CSL. How boring could we get on numbers?

Yeah. Where did your love of cars come from?

My mum had a Triumph Herald 1360 convertible.

Best turning circle of any car.

That's something in its favour. Yeah.

It was... I spent all my life on the road.

When you're in the back...

In those days, not everything had a motorway.

I spent my whole time in the back of the car, looking at other cars.

When you were a kid. When I was tiny. I knew every car on the road.

Now they all look the same.

Your mum was an entertainer. A singer.

Anyway, we've got a game. Yes.

I'm gonna play it with you. I could say Maserati before I could say mummy.

We'll put pictures of bits of cars... I like this game.

I love this. We'll guess what car it is.

I'm a sucker for this. I watch '70s movies like The Sweeney - "Oh, look!"

What's that? Part of a Ferrari Enzo. It is.

It's the rear wing on a Ferrari

Enzo. Are we right? I thank you.

Yes? Speak!

Ferrari Enzo. One-nil to you.

Coming soon at a highway near you. I've got to have it. Why?

Why? It's not a pretty car. It's a stunning-looking thing.

You know why? The day will come when they don't make cars like that.

Let's bring up the next one. What is it?

Zzz. It's a Mini. The new Mini.

If that is... He's so good at this!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

I told you I liked this game!

We didn't tell you we were doing this. No. It's not prepared.

Come on. Let's have another one.

That could be lots of things.

It's a Golf. Oh, my word. Actually, it isn't.

What is it? Vectra.

What? Vectra.

If that's a Vectra... Oh! I said the word.

Oh! It's... I still don't know. It is! It's a Vectra!

That's a phenomenon. A phenomenon.

There you go! Ladies and gentlemen...

I believe this car is a phenomenon.

It's not really a phenomenon. It's rubbish.

It's not as bad as the other one, it's just rubbish.

I'm on nought. We will be swapping jobs, and cars,

houses and have your Enzo.

Have the Enzo. And the house with the moat.

Which you can drive your car into. You've driven a car into a moat?

I did. I got it all wrong. This is fantastic!

I came round the corner, and I said to the two guys I was driving...

I started off nicely.

I said, "You want a go?" He said, "No, you know the land."

I came round the corner at 60, in a G-Wagon, a big, old G-500.

I looked. "Oh, 60. Oh, dear. Under steer." Splosh.

"Oh, river. Rrrrr-kkkkk!"

The guy looked round at me and just went said, "What you doing?"

The one in the back, a big builder,

went, "We're sinking".

And that was that. Let's look at this picture.

That's just a black hole!

What's that? What's that there? I don't know.

Anyone... This is Top Gear. Have you come to a gardening programme?

What's that? Anyone? What?

Lamborghini what? Murcielago.

It's something to do with the vents, isn't it?

The slidey things? Can you pull back? Yeah. Clear as day.

There you go. Clear as day what?

Oh, God al...

He did well. I'm impressed by that.

Driven one? Don't show us up!

Well done. Have you driven one? Not yet.

You are a fairly wicked driver.

Because of the job I do,

which I want to swap for this one, now...

I'll swap with you any time. You wouldn't like it. But, you know...

No. Your fans wouldn't like it. They wouldn't.

What's that idiot doing? Who's croaking?

No. You know,

I don't get as much track time as I'd like to.

What's the fastest you've been?

You'll think I'm a thug on the road.

I did Rome to Calais in 13 hours and hit 190, which was...

That's really good, actually. Rome

to Calais in 13 hours. That's fast.

The needle didn't drop below 140. Even in the petrol stations. Yeah!

I believe you visited a few. A few, yeah.

Do I go slower and not visit so many?

You wonder why that Morris Minor is ahead of you, still.

The other thing is, you stop and go, "There's an interesting interior light thing.

"I'll have one of those, even though I've got ten at home."

As you know, you haven't just come to chat and play kids' games. No.

We have a celebrity guest so they go out

and play Star In A Reasonably-Priced Car.

They go round our track in a Suzuki Liana. You did that earlier. I did.

Harry Enfield, last week, drove it in standard tune.

For Jay Kay, we put a rollcage in.

We'll see, later on... Yes. ..how you did. OK.

Have you driven the RS Focus? I have. I was given one last week.

Did you like it? I...can't say I did like it much.

Really? No. You found all that?

It was like, "Oh, oh, there he goes."

It's absolutely terrible. It's, it's...

It's nicely put together. I like the wheels.

The RSs, we were talking about them earlier.

What interests me, by putting a big engine in normal family cars,

it was like when M&S started selling pumpkin and ricotta soup.

"I can afford this exotic food." That's what it was like with RSs.

When a TV producer wants to portray his detective as soft and gentle,

like Bergerac gets that old Triumph and Morse gets the Jag.

But when he wants him to be a hard, gritty guy...

Professionals-type guy. ..and you get Spender

The thing about The Professionals is,

years down the line, it has that effect,

if you put someone in an RS Ford,

horns grow... I'll tell you what happened.

These RS people came down. We said, "Have a drive around if you like".

This is their idea of a drive round the track.

Watch this. Is he going to drive quietly?

No. No. Nice amount of squeal.

We never said drive fast.

No. This is their idea of normal driving.

Look at that!

Um, excuse me,

this is your Capri, isn't it?

You're wanted on the phone, over there. OK.

Thanks.

LAUGHTER

I've never driven one!

Are you going to... That's the man's car!

He's looking for the phone!

Course, you didn't drive this, the RS 200, did you? No, I didn't.

Just as well for it, as they're rare.

You have driven one. I did in the summer, for a video I was making.

It didn't go so well, did it? Shall we have a look? ALL: Yes.

The RS 200 was always a tricky car to drive.

It never really feels like you're in control.

Here comes the power. Oh, wow!

That's awesome!

Don't...

You can't clap him for that!

It was secret. Jay Kay humiliated me.

Now you've humiliated me. How long after starting?

Not long. First corner. It was. And you broke it. I did.

We're moving on. We'll humiliate other people.

We were looking for new presenters... God knows how got you.

People send their tapes in, right?

This one is from Gaz. Let's show you what Gazza's tape was like.

Welcome to Gaz On Motors.

We're looking at instrumentation, especially speedoes.

'Oh, he's still going on!'

..this one only has one meter, whereas the Mini has trip as well.

It has two spools, here and here.

JEREMY LAUGHS

Gaz was heroically dull, wasn't he?

You just got the job, but it was close.

Do you know someone more boring? If you do, drop us a line.

We're looking for the biggest car bore in Britain.

The address is, what shall we have?

This week's Insider Dealing's got two bargains. What are they?

We've got another cheap Citroen for you.

The C5 is up against a lot of good cars.

It is quite a bad car. It's not that bad.

It's not. It's like treading in a bog. Not as bad as losing a leg, but it's unpleasant.

The petrol base model just isn't selling.

It's about £14,500 new, retail.

I was offered one for ten grand.

£10,000. Yeah.

1.8, air conditioning, CD, electric windows, power steering. £10,000!

Rover 75, best Rover for a number of years. Not much competition.

Not much competition. Two litre V6. They've just dropped it.

They replaced it with a 1.8 turbo - it's a bit more efficient on fuel.

It means dealers for 2LV6s are doing a deal.

If you want a cheap Rover 75 and find a 2LV6, you'll get a bargain.

How much of a bargain? Talk to your dealer, there's no official figures. But they'll do a deal. Big deals!

If anyone wants a super-mini, now's the time to buy.

Things like Citroen Saxos, Fiat Seicentos and there's a good reason.

This is the time of year dealers change their loan cars.

They tend to run super-minis... Why this time of year?

They build those cars in Europe.

In July and August they shut the factory and re-tool to prepare for next year's models.

This is the time the new models hit the UK... They bought them a year ago, now they're flogging them on.

They'll be base cars - three doors, non-metallics -

but you can get a 12-month-old car for four grand.

Four? That's seriously cheap. That IS cheap.

Another used-car bargain - BMW 7 Series, the new one's pretty ugly.

New sales on that are not good.

The impact of that is the new ones made the old one look old-fashioned.

The price's dropping big style. If you've got one it's bad news.

But if you want to buy one, great.

One was offered this week, 728i, 2,001 on a Y, so 18 months old.

The guy paid nearly £46,000 for it new, today he's selling that car -

without doing a deal, he'll take £24,000. It's a half-price car!

Do we feel sorry for him? No!

ALL: No!

Finally, a used car tip.

If you do low mileage, the chances are, when you look for a used car

you want to buy another car with low mileage.

That's wrong. If you do low mileage, buy a car with very high mileage.

Cars with over 60,000 miles are being hit in the trade - they're so cheap.

You can buy a 97 P-plate Mercedes Estate car, C200 for example,

with 50,000 miles for £9,500.

Not a bad car. Yeah.

Or you could buy one with higher mileage and get a 2000 model for the same money. Really?

If you're doing low mileage, you... These engines'll last 200,000 miles.

Don't be afraid of the mileage - 90,000-mile car, you have 60,000 miles left.

In two minutes, you've saved everyone about £25,000. Hopefully.

Thanks. Now, Jay, good news.

You were once told you could be a rally driver.

We're going to see how you are, we've got the tape. Want to see it?

Might as well. Run it!

ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SCREECH

OK.

I like this third gear business, I like this third gear business.

I must get this right. I must learn to drive properly.

And it's a slight turn in there - it's there!

That's better. That's better. That's better!

That's there all the way.

That's the one - ooh!

Don't be punished, don't be tempted to put too much power on - that's beautiful! I'm going get this down

even further - get it out of reach of Clarkson and his henchmen!

This is the one, this is the punisher! 76, 80, 80, 80, 82.

Bang it in there!

And flat we go! IN STUDIO: Flat in third. In third?! It's a fourth gear corner!

You'd never keep the revs up. But you'd keep the speed up. Flat through there. Flat! Flat!

How fast did you get along here? Er. This is crucial, 87 I once hit here.

Have you driven anything as cheap as this? Listen.

Before we say this is cheap, this is £10,000. £9,995. And you're across the line. I crossed the line, oh.

In the £9,995 car and I - oh! What are you doing here? I don't know what happens. Have you lost it?

Oh! Look at that! Ladies and gentlemen, a handbrake turn!

# I've beaten Jeremy Clarkson on the track! #

APPLAUSE

These are the times so far, get the camera tight on Jay - I've got your lap time.

Nice and tight! Jay Kay, OK? Yeah!

One minute...

..48.1 seconds!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's astonishing! Get it up there!

Straighten it up!

Genuinely happy about that. I'm not a sore loser. You're just gutted.

You're smarting inside. I'm hurt. I know.

So hurt that I'm going to humiliate you by showing a little clip of you doing some practice in the Suzuki.

TYRES SCREECH

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, Jay Kay!

CHEERING

Right! I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna say it.

I don't like all RSs.

AUDIENCE BOOS

Sorry, I just don't. Let me explain.

THEME FROM STAR WARS

The whole '80s RS thing - huge bonnet scoops and spoilers -

it all left me behind a bit, left me a bit cold. No. For me...

the RS legend wears sideburns and a rally jacket so I look back in lust

at this - the Ford RS 1800.

It was only made for two years and was killed off in 1977.

Of course, you might have missed that - '77 was quite a busy year.

PASTICHE OF 1970S MUSIC

I was six and I howled with desire every time I saw one.

I wanted one, no, I didn't just want one, I really, really needed one.

It had absolutely everything you could want -

alloy wheels, Ricaro seats, tonnes of racing pedigree, even a wing - wow!

# We are the champions... #

If all that sounds a bit limp next to today's more spectacular stuff,

let me put it into context for you.

The RS 1800 is Ford's most successful rally car ever.

It's still used today in club and international rallies and still wins.

# No time for losers

# Cos we are the champions

# Of the world. #

This had proper credibility - it didn't earn its stripes joyriding

and it didn't judge its success by the size of the insurance claims.

I always, always wanted to drive one and I'm going to drive this one.

Ha ha!

MUSIC: "Heroes" by David Bowie

This is every bit as delicious as I thought it would be.

It's a proper machine, it's got moving parts and it's not ashamed.

It may only boast 115bhp now - you can get scooters with that much -

but underneath at the front, there's an 1800CC double overhead cam, 16 valve, alloy blocked Cosworth engine.

And in 1975, that was the equivalent of cruise missile technology.

This was clever, hi-tech stuff - really!

# We can beat them... #

If you go through a chicane, you're aware you've got old car springs!

Body control wasn't what it is today.

# Just for one day... #

4.9 million Escorts were sold in the UK,

of which 109 were RS 1800s -

that tells you something about the rarity - there are 25 running today.

Interestingly, two of the 109 made were red, of which one survives.

So if you find a red one, look after it - it's worth a couple of quid.

# And you

# You will be queen... #

Mark my words, there'll be a huge market

for 1970s cars because people like us grew up with them.

Couldn't afford 'em then, couldn't drive 'em! Now, if we're lucky, we can afford to buy them.

# And the shame

# Was on the other side

# Oh, we can beat them

# For ever and ever... #

It's getting to feel like an antique and I don't mean because of the age.

I think it's to do with the controls.

They're more delicate to operate, they don't have the chunkiness of modern car controls.

Don't let the antique thing fool you.

In its day that was a potent force. That, if you ask me, is a proper RS.

# We can be heroes... #

See, I like RSs too. Can I explain something? I wasn't going very fast.

No. You were a bit light in your loafers.

The guy who owned it was there and he's really big and scary, so I drove like Sister Wendy, I'm sorry.

Action, serious action now. Buses jumping over motorbikes.

There's no good reason why we did this, you don't need one.

Here's what happens when you jump a bus over 14 motorbikes.

MUSIC: "Ride Of The Valkyries" by Wagner

Ah! Why are you laughing? It's your licence fee!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Almost too much fun! Do you want to know how many bikes it cleared?

I do! How many did it clear? It did actually clear three.

Who said three? Did anybody say that? You said three, Werther's!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Destroyed 14 others.

I hate motorbikes, I loathe them.

If I'd been driving, I'd've backed up, "That's got those three, too!"

That's all we've got time for.

Next week, I'll drive the best looking car in the world.

Some children will decide on

a supercar for their bedroom walls.

Last week we asked if there were any grannies who could do a doughnut.

Thousands replied, saying they'd like to try. So we let them.

TYRES SCREECH

That is going to be on next week. See you then!

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast, 2002

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk