Original subtitles

I got it. I got it. I finally picked up my wedding dress, and it is

beautiful. Oh, I can't wait to see it.

Oh, God, I never thought that getting married again would be so much work.

always a lot of work. If I ever get married again, I'm going to have a small

wedding. Maybe I'll even elope.

My second husband and I eloped.

We were so young and impetuous.

Oh, where'd you spend your wedding night?

On the ladder.

Dear John Dear John By

the time you leave me blind I'll be gone

Return.

Dear John is filmed for studio

audience.

I know something's happened. I know it. I know it. She should have been here by

now. I never should have let her go shopping by herself.

Annie, Annie, your cousin is 19 years old.

What can happen to a 19 -year -old girl in New York City?

I shut up.

I don't know why I ever agreed to let Connie come visit me. Ever since her

mother died, her father has become this overprotective monster.

And tonight, he's driving all the way in from Philly, supposedly because she

forgot her electric toothbrush.

For really to see if I'm taking good care of her. It's like all of a sudden,

to blame if something happens to her. I'm always the one to blame.

Always, always, always, always.

You're catching yourself all worked up.

You're right.

Relax, Annie.

Relax.

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

I'm sure you're doing a great job.

A great job.

I like how you go shopping all by yourself. And now she is out. there.

there on some crowded escalator. Only her view is obscured by all of her

packages, so she doesn't realize she's gotten to the bottom and the toe of her

shoe gets caught in the machine and she's pulled down into the guts of the

machine and torn apart by the huge... Deep breaths, Annie. Deep breaths. Deep

breaths.

Dear, I'm sure your cousin is having a smashing time.

Smashing? I mean a bloody good.

Dammit, she's fine.

You're probably right. It's just there are so many things that could happen.

There are so many degenerates out there.

Hey, guys.

Oh, my God.

Annie, why didn't you tell me you had such an attractive cousin?

Oh, my God.

Hi,

Annie. This nice man bumped into me in the hall and helped me find my way.

This is your cousin, Connie.

Everybody!

Hi, Connie!

Kirk, we need to talk.

Connie will be staying with me for the next few days.

So you want me to get the rest of my stuff out of your apartment, right?

Yeah, and I'd also like your half of the rent for the week that you were there.

But the key point that I need you to grasp right here is that you are not to

have anything to do with my cousin.

But, Annie, he was only trying to help. He was a perfect gentleman.

I'm sure he was, sweetie. Now, why don't you go help yourself with some coffee?

Okay.

You're not to speak to her. You're not to look at her.

I don't even want you thinking about her.

Consider yourself warned.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody but nobody talks to Kirk Morris that way. I am my own man.

I do what I want, I go where I want, and I see who I want.

Kirk, I was your roommate for a week. I know all your personal habits, and I

tell what I want. Go ahead and tell. Who cares?

Really?

Connie,

you... Stay the hell away from me.

Hi, Kirk.

Hi, I just came over to get my stuff.

It's right over there. Okay.

Where's Annie?

At her acting class.

That's all she ever does.

Act, act, act, act, act.

Well, I'll be on my way. I'm not going to bother you.

Listen, Kirk.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Do you think this sweater would look better if I didn't wear a bra?

Uh... Uh... I gotta go.

Could you please get the breath out the door?

No.

I know you think I'm this goody -goody, but that's just an act I have to put on

for my family.

Good night.

You know, I wanted you the minute I saw you.

Sure, maybe I could have controlled myself.

But then Annie told me what a self -centered, insensitive sleaze you are.

And that turned you on?

My father only lets me date these clean -cut altar boy types.

But I'm only attracted to men I can look down on.

The more I can look down on them, the more I want them. And Kirk, I've never

wanted anyone the way I want you.

Look, don't think I'm not tempted, but your cousin warned me.

Come on.

You're not afraid of Annie. With biceps like these? Don't do that.

Ooh.

Kirk, you know what I believe?

What? I believe if there were more sex in the world, there'd be less violence.

So for the sake of world peace, what do you say?

I'm not sure.

Why don't we leap on it?

Uncle Frank, will you stop worrying?

Connie is perfectly safe.

You don't think I'm one of those uptight, overprotective fathers?

Not at all.

I'm sure Connie loves it when you go into confession with her.

Make yourself comfy.

Connie?

I guess she went to sleep.

Early to bed, that small little girl.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

That's not my little girl. Wait, wait. It's probably the TV.

I've got cable.

What the hell? I do not...

with the TV. Well, so am I.

Wait a minute, Annie. I can... Good, Kirk.

I'd like you to meet Connie's father.

You have a lovely daughter, sir.

Now, Kenny, remember what I said in class? Remember what I told you?

The only way to improve your composition skills is to practice.

Okay, now, I want you to write a paragraph about, uh, Ozzie.

Write about a beautiful experience you had with nature.

Nature? Yeah.

Get out of here.

Oh, come on, Kenny. Everybody's had a beautiful experience with nature.

Haven't you ever watched an inspiring sunset?

Inhale the rich fragrance of a springtime rain.

Marveled at the grandeur of a night sky.

I made out on the beach once.

All right, close enough.

I'll get it. No, you won't. Start writing.

John, I need a place to hide.

No, no, no, no. I have no time for your nonsense.

Now, I'm tutoring. John, my life is in danger. I know. Leave or I'll kill you.

All right, Mr. Lacey.

Nature, Kenny, nature. Why don't you finish that in the kitchen, okay? Okay,

Lacey.

John, you remember Connie, Annie's cousin? Yeah. Well, I slept with her.

Oh, I'm so proud of you. You want a gold star?

John, you let me finish. Listen to me. Listen to me.

Her father showed up, right? He walks in on us. He goes nuts. He takes Connie

back to Philly, right? I think it's all over. This morning, her two brothers

show up. John, they're professional tag team wrestlers.

Combined weight, 597.

Combined IQ, 84.

I know it sounds like your kind of people.

They want me to do the honorable thing, right? And marry their sister.

They vow, if I don't, they're going to track me down and treat me to their

specialty.

The sandwich of death.

Right, right.

Well, it's been swell, but I've got a student to tutor and you've got a silver

pattern to pick out.

John! You've got to let me stay here. I can't marry Connie.

I mean...

I like her, but she's not a virgin.

Wouldn't you feel more at home hiding under a rock somewhere? John, I am

you, as a friend, you can't turn me away this time. I'm in real danger.

You know the boy who cried wolf?

Don't try and slough me off on some weirdo I never even met.

It's a story, a story, Kirk, about a kid who cried wolf.

Because you wanted to see his friends come running. Then one day, there really

was a wolf. But nobody came. Because by then, they knew that he made things up.

But they couldn't believe him.

That he was a liar.

Is this going somewhere?

No, but you are.

I can't believe you're going to let this happen, John. These guys are going to

hurt me.

Well, it's simple.

Just tell him you'll marry her. Then hold out for a long engagement.

Once her father gets to know you, he won't want you in the family.

Oh, man.

Hey, guys!

What's up, no C?

Hi, Kirk.

John! I forgot my umbrella.

Guys, look, I can see you feel strongly about this, and I hate to disappoint

you, but...

I'm not going to marry you, sister. No way, no how. You cannot make me.

So, I figure we'll go with a lovely magenta for the bride's name.

Oh, yeah. Come on. Come in. Come in, everybody.

I'm glad you could come over.

Take a seat.

What's this all about, John?

Yes, you sounded so upset on the telephone.

Something wrong?

Yeah, what's the mystery?

Kirk made a videotape.

He takes himself committing suicide.

Oh, my God!

That works.

Meatball, sausage, pepperoni.

Oh, no.

She's a vegetarian?

Bart Simpson hunted for plain hook.

This is so shocking.

I don't know what to say. Come on, you guys. I don't believe for a second that

Kirk would kill himself.

Yeah, why should he when so many people would do it for him?

Will you cut it out?

This is serious.

Stop it, John. This is Kirk we're talking about. It's a prank.

John, how'd you get the tape?

Some kid found it.

Kirk left a note on the camera saying if whoever found the tape brought it to

me, I'd give him $20.

Oh, boy, that Kirk.

Generous to a fault.

Believe me, I thought it was a prank, too, at first.

And I watched it over and over again.

And I'm convinced it's for real.

Hello, my dear friends.

John, you got any popcorn?

Every time you see the steak, Kirk Morris will be sleeping with the fishes.

Okay, that's it. Both of you, go on. Oh, no, no. Sorry, no, no. Chuck will be

good. He promised. Yeah.

All that stuff about CIA, secret missions, friends in high places.

It's all a pack of lies.

Kirk Morris just told a fake.

A fraud, phony, a nothing, a zero.

Oh, my God.

Hey, you're not buying this. Oh, no.

No, you don't understand.

Kirk would never admit all that if he knew he ever had to face us again.

Why?

You're probably asking yourself why.

Why have I decided to end it all?

Well, for the one thing, I was faced with an unacceptable choice.

Marry a woman I didn't love or to get crippled by her brother.

Not his brother.

I didn't know they were involved.

And when I went to my best friend and I begged him for help, he callously turned

his back on me.

Clearly life is no longer worth living.

And now, farewell.

Oh, that poor, poor boy.

I can't watch this.

I watched the whole tape.

He never came up.

Horrible.

I can't believe you've gone.

It's all my fault.

I never should have let Connie stay with me. I never should have told Kirk to

pick up his things. I never should have let Connie's father come to the

apartment. The guilt, the guilt.

I'll never forgive myself as long as I live.

Hey, hey, hey.

I was the one that turned him away.

If anybody's to blame, it's me.

Yeah, you're right.

Thank you.

Were you very close to him, dear?

Not really.

But I still feel terrible.

Not as terrible as poor John.

It was all his fault.

This is going to be a nice memorial service, John. That's a great picture of

Kirk.

And I love what you did with the bunting.

Sure was nice of Connie to come.

You know...

I think she really cared for Kirk.

Yes, poor dear. She does look rather distraught.

Excuse me, little girl.

What the hell are you doing here?

What, like I'm gonna miss all these people saying nice things about me?

If you want to have a lifetime opportunity, don't worry.

I'll be the perfect wave -stricken old lady. Yeah, well, you better be, because

my brothers are here.

What? You and I didn't set this whole thing up just to have you blow it.

If my brothers recognize you, we're gonna end up married to each other.

All right,

I'm out of here.

This bra is killing me anyway.

I told the guy I was a D -cup.

I think you better take your seat, madam.

You guys, can you do me a favor?

I'd like to get through this on my own.

Will you wait for me? Yeah, sure, Connie.

If there's anything you need, we'll be right outside.

Thank you. Sure.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Kirk

Morris.

John Lacey, one of Kirk's many friends here today with us, will say a few

Thank you.

Please forgive me if my words are... A bit disjointed.

Kirk's passing was so sudden, so unexpected that I'm still in shock.

Kirk lived his life with the buoyant energy of youth.

When he got excited about a new idea, his face lit up like a little boy.

His boundless enthusiasm for all the good things of this world, affirmed for

to see the indisputable value of life.

I will miss him dearly.

I only wish that I had appreciated him more when he was here.

I guess what I'm... What I'm trying to say...

You know, from where

I'm standing, I suddenly realize I have a much clearer picture of who Kirk

Morris really was.

He was no ordinary man.

He was a lying, cheating, selfish, obnoxious...

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Isn't that a lot of trouble?

I don't care. It's Kate's final shower.

It's going to be heaven. I'm festooning the entire apartment with paper pansies.

That sounds festive.

Hey, we're having these cute little pizzas.

Oh, I hope Kate likes heart -shaped pepperoni. Oh, she's so happy to be

married. She'd eat heart -shaped dirt.

Hi, ladies.

Oh, my goodness.

You've waxed the floors.

You've cleaned the windows.

This place is spotless. You know, Ben, since you've started working here,

made the center an absolute paradise.

Ah, you noticed.

Why are you banging on the radiator?

Oh, it's not banging.

More's cold.

Pardon? I was sending a message to Willie down in the basement.

I was just reminding him to come up here and set the traps before he goes home

tonight.

Have a nice night, ladies.