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1
00:00:01,085 --> 00:00:04,505
Show me "wax on, wax off."
2
00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:05,589
Hyah!
3
00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:09,427
(CENTERFOLD PLAYING)
4
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,099
ADAM: Man, I love the '80s.
5
00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:18,561
It was the age of E.T.,
Mr. T., and MTV.
6
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,229
Back then,
the world was still small...
7
00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,398
No cell phones
or internet or Twitter.
8
00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:24,191
Your friends lived
on your street,
9
00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:26,777
and your family
were the people
at your dinner table.
10
00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:27,903
(RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES)
11
00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:31,282
If you're assuming these
smiley, affectionate people
are my family, they're not.
12
00:00:31,407 --> 00:00:33,325
We showed our affection
in a different way.
13
00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,119
Yeah, does this hurt?
No, it doesn't hurt.
14
00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,955
Erica, not at the table.
It doesn't hurt.
It doesn't hurt.
15
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,999
MAN: Now this is how
I remember the '80s.
16
00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:42,835
There were no parenting blogs
or peanut allergies...
17
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:45,045
Just a whole lot of crazy.
18
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:46,547
Oh, look at
that little geek, right?
19
00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,591
Yeah, that's me,
Adam Goldberg.
20
00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:51,343
We were the first on our block
to get a video camera,
21
00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:53,929
and I used it to record
my entire childhood.
22
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:55,598
(SINGSONGY) I'm home!
23
00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:57,475
The man parking his pants
at the front door...
24
00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,643
That's my dad,
Murray Goldberg.
25
00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:01,103
TV's mine!
26
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:02,771
Ever since
his last heart attack,
27
00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:05,483
he became determined
to exercise, eat better,
28
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,776
and not yell so much.
It wasn't working.
29
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,153
Stop with the camera!
30
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,405
My super friendly sister
Erica...
31
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:13,824
She loved to talk to people,
just not us.
32
00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:16,035
Adam, what the hell?
I'm gonna crimp your face!
33
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,161
Mom!
34
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:21,999
Barry Goldberg,
textbook middle child
and classic overreactor.
35
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,876
You're a liar, Simon!
36
00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,085
You are a liar!
37
00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:26,420
(BUZZING)
38
00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:28,672
Stop videotaping!
39
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:32,384
And finally,
my overbearing smother,
Beverly Goldberg,
40
00:01:32,635 --> 00:01:34,720
a homemaker,
a ball breaker,
41
00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,347
who found the time
to stay fit,
42
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,099
raise the kids,
and drive us all insane.
43
00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:40,351
(ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE)
44
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,186
Yeah, we were the family
that yelled and cursed,
45
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:45,356
but to this day,
we still love each other.
46
00:01:46,232 --> 00:01:47,525
This is my family...
47
00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,027
(READING)
48
00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:52,446
It was September 3rd.
49
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:55,032
It began as a typical morning
in the Goldberg house.
50
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:58,202
You don't know anything.
He's not too old for me.
51
00:01:58,285 --> 00:01:59,828
He's in college, Erica!
52
00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:02,373
Wrong! He dropped out
to start a band.
53
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,582
Don't you feel
stupid now?
54
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,168
Mom, they don't zip!
Can you help me with this?
55
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:09,421
Oh! Look at you!
56
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,883
Oh, why go shopping
when your sister's jeans
fit you so perfectly?
57
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,677
Fit me perfectly?
They're horrible!
58
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,595
They're roomy in the hips
and tight in the front.
59
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:17,846
I look like
Brooke Shields.
60
00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:19,723
And she's beautiful.
61
00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:24,144
Look, you need to be grateful,
because one day I won't be
here to help dress you.
62
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,689
You keep saying that,
but when? God.
63
00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:29,275
ADAM: As always, my mom began
the day by dressing us,
64
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,278
feeding us, and ignoring
any sense of human boundaries.
65
00:02:32,403 --> 00:02:33,737
(SINGSONGY)
Where's my baby?
66
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,072
(GASPS)
(CURTAIN RINGS SWOOSH)
67
00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:36,740
Happy birthday!
68
00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:38,909
(NORMAL VOICE) What do you
want for breakfast?
Privacy!
69
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,661
Oh, please.
70
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,080
Don't forget to wash
your bottom.
71
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,748
ADAM: Barry was in
a rare good mood.
72
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:46,292
He was turning 16,
73
00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:48,794
a day he'd been
waiting for his whole life.
74
00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,588
(RATTLES)
It's jingling.
75
00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:52,798
It's keys!
Keys means car!
76
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,425
Car means freedom
from all you monsters!
77
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:55,551
I love you, mom.
78
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,094
(WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES)
79
00:02:57,303 --> 00:02:58,387
(BOX LID CLATTERS)
80
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,472
What the hell is this?
81
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,141
It's a locket.
82
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:07,479
It's got my picture inside
so you can always have
your mother near your heart.
83
00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,692
Sweetie, you're just
not ready to drive.
84
00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:14,862
You're too immature,
and quite honestly,
a little high strung.
85
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,614
I am not high strung!
86
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,450
I'm strung just fine,
like a tennis racket
or a banjo. I...
87
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,828
You know, I think it's great,
'cause all the cool guys
in my grade,
88
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:23,912
they have
mom lockets.
89
00:03:23,996 --> 00:03:25,039
Hey!
All of 'em.
(SNICKERS)
90
00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:26,665
Don't poke the bear,
all right?
91
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,584
You don't wanna wear it?
Fine.
92
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,502
I'll throw it
in the trash.
93
00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:32,129
Go ahead. Do it.
Here I go.
94
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:33,589
Going to the trash.
Do it. Go ahead.
95
00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,132
Gonna go in
the garbage.
Mm-hmm.
96
00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,258
(CHAIN JANGLES)
97
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:37,593
Unbelievable!
98
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,763
You were gonna let me
throw this in the trash?
99
00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,598
Totally irresponsible.
You're not driving.
100
00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:45,225
Oh, god. Dad, please talk
some sense into your wife.
101
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,478
She's saying some
pretty controversial
things over there.
102
00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:50,147
I agree with
whatever nonsense
your mother just said.
103
00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:53,025
Come on.
This is not fair!
104
00:03:53,484 --> 00:03:56,487
Who the hell told you
life was fair, you moron?
105
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,156
ADAM: Dad's colorful
way of speaking
may seem a bit harsh.
106
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:02,117
It really wasn't.
You just had to learn
how to speak "Murray."
107
00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:05,371
It's 2:00 a.m.
I thought you were dead!
108
00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:06,872
I could kill you!
109
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,999
(BELL DINGS)
110
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,167
(CLICK)
111
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,670
You broke it?
It's amazing.
112
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,922
You little bastards
ruin everything.
113
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,632
(BELL DINGS)
114
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:22,763
For someone so smart,
you sure act like an idiot.
115
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,306
(BELL DINGS)
116
00:04:26,058 --> 00:04:28,268
All right,
stop your pouting.
117
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:29,895
I got you something,
118
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,689
and I think
you're gonna like it.
119
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,858
(WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES)
120
00:04:37,653 --> 00:04:41,156
REO Speedwagon?
This is top 40!
121
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,952
You don't know me at all!
I'm into rap,
the poetry of the streets!
122
00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,203
Come on!
No, no, no.
123
00:04:46,412 --> 00:04:48,038
I talked to the guy
at Sam Goody.
124
00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:49,498
He said it was
a hip track.
125
00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:52,084
Well, did you talk
to Sam Goody himself? Huh?
126
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:55,003
Did you? No. you talked
to a random jagoff
127
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,630
who knows nothing
about real music.
128
00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:59,550
You weren't there, okay?
The guy had an earring.
129
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,636
He had a jean jacket
covered in buttons! Covered!
130
00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,805
(CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR)
Don't get your father
all worked up.
131
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,432
I'm already
all worked up.
Honey.
132
00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:08,517
Breathe.
Calm down. Breathe,
breathe. I'm breathing.
133
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,352
I'm breathing, okay?
You're killing your father.
134
00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:11,895
I hope you're having
a happy birthday.
(EXHALES)
135
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:12,938
(HORN HONKS)
136
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,815
BEREVRLY: Remember what
Dr. Hong said.
I know what Hong said!
137
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,735
ADAM: Barry had
one last visitor,
my grandfather, Pops.
138
00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:19,862
He was 80 years
of pure awesome.
139
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,115
I hear someone turned 16
and could use a new car.
140
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:25,242
Holy crap! For me?
141
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,702
I don't love you
that much.
142
00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:29,413
This baby's mine.
You get my old one.
143
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,791
Yes!
No! I didn't get a car
when I turned 16.
144
00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,293
What do you need
a car for?
145
00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:37,671
With your looks, you can get
a ride from any boy in town.
146
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,423
Here you go.
147
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,091
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
148
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:44,470
ADAM: It was the moment
Barry had waited for
his whole life.
149
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:48,182
Those keys meant freedom,
and no man could stop him.
150
00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,601
(MUSIC WARPS TO A STOP)
151
00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,394
But my mom could.
152
00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:55,147
Not gonna happen, dad.
We've decided
Barry can't drive.
153
00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:58,275
BARRY: What?
So Barry has a car
and no license,
154
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,319
and I have a license
and no car.
155
00:06:00,486 --> 00:06:01,653
That makes no sense.
156
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,197
You know what else
makes no sense?
157
00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,365
Those peach wine coolers
I found hiding in your closet.
158
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,785
Yeah.
I'm everywhere.
159
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,621
This is the worst
birthday ever!
160
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,290
The only one who
understands me
is Flavor Flav.
161
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,587
Who runs like that?
162
00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:21,298
And what, we having
a drag race?
What's with the bird car?
163
00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,675
Oh, my father thinks
he's Burt Reynolds.
164
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:26,762
The sexiest man alive?
Yes, I do.
165
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,306
Hey, kiddo, pick you up
after school?
166
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,351
Um, we're going to the Y
to do some water aerobics.
167
00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,269
It's good for
his circulation.
168
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:36,814
ADAM:
Swimming was just our cover.
169
00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,982
Pops really took me
to the House of Waffles
170
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,776
to teach me
the finer things in life.
171
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,861
And you can't just go in
and honk 'em.
172
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,447
It's all about
the cuppage.
173
00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:48,158
Be gentle.
Those puppies are sensitive.
174
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:51,036
I just wanna
bury my face in 'em.
175
00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:53,372
We all do,
but you gotta earn it.
176
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,707
Speaking of,
177
00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:58,669
where are we
on Operation Waffle Girl?
178
00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:06,301
ADAM: Her name was
Zoe Macintosh.
179
00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:08,762
She was
the complete package.
180
00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:13,308
Beautiful, older, and her dad
was our family podiatrist.
181
00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:14,518
Okay.
182
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,144
Last week,
we told her your name.
183
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:17,855
Let's see if it stuck.
184
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,399
Oh, Miss?
Could you top me off?
185
00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:23,235
(LOWERED VOICE) No, no, Pops,
too ballsy. Pops, stop.
186
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,571
No, no, we can't do this.
I'm not ready!
187
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:27,990
(DEEP VOICE)
'Sup, girl?
188
00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,243
(NORMAL VOICE)
The check, please.
189
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:32,828
You got it, Alan.
190
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,706
Did you hear that?
She just called me "Alan"!
191
00:07:35,998 --> 00:07:37,082
That's not your name.
192
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,793
I'll change it.
I'm Alan now.
Pops, you're a genius.
193
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:41,837
Thank you, Jedi Master.
194
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,630
(IMITATING
LIGHTSABER WHOOSHING)
195
00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:48,927
You're not making
this easy, kid.
196
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,387
Sorry.
197
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,471
(WHOOSHING)
198
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,390
You're like my own personal
Obi-Wan Kenobi,
199
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,476
but instead of the force,
you're teaching me
how to get freaky.
200
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:58,228
Who's Oboe Cannoli?
201
00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,563
Is that Barry?
202
00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:01,732
Barry, what are you doing?
203
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,442
Eating day-old doughnuts.
204
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,319
My friend Terrance,
he's the manager.
205
00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:07,070
He leaves 'em
out back for me.
206
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,155
Why?
207
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,324
It's called eating
your feelings, assbag!
208
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,535
Mom's gonna walk me
to the bus till I'm 40,
all right?
209
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:14,953
Put down
the garbage cruller.
210
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:18,999
I'm gonna figure out a way
to get you that license
and my car.
211
00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:21,084
Come on.
Really?
212
00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:27,257
ADAM: As we cruised
in Pops' new ride,
we felt like kings.
213
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,843
It didn't matter that my mom
said Barry couldn't drive.
214
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:31,595
Our grandfather
would fix that.
215
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:35,098
He was always
cooking up a plan in
that brilliant mind of his.
216
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:38,101
All right, Pops,
you said you had a plan.
Whatchu thinkin'?
217
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,937
Uh... Uh...
218
00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,730
Pops, you okay?
219
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,274
(TIRES SCREECH)
220
00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:46,234
Aah!
221
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,111
(LOUD CLATTER)
222
00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:52,866
(COUGHS)
223
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,618
(ENGINE HISSING)
224
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,162
ADAM: Okay, his mind
wasn't what it used to be,
225
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:58,872
but his appetite still was.
226
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,791
So who wants nuggets?
227
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,130
ADAM: Pops was booked
with reckless endangerment,
228
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,091
and we were all thrown
behind bars...
229
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,259
That is until
our mom arrived.
230
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,886
Are you proud of yourself?
231
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:15,138
Locking up an old man
and two little boys?
232
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,100
ADAM: God help the poor soul
who tried to push us around.
233
00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,476
That... Was her job.
234
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:23,188
Memorize this face,
because it is gonna haunt
your dreams, sir.
235
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:26,942
It is gonna haunt
your (BLEEP) dreams!
236
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,152
Are you guys okay?
237
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:32,072
No, I'm not okay!
Barry took a dump
in front of us!
238
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,407
I had to go!
239
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:36,660
It was bad.
240
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,209
I'm telling you,
it wasn't my fault.
241
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,963
ADAM: The next morning,
mom lowered the boom
and took Pops' keys.
242
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,589
I'm not one
of your kids, Bev.
243
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,884
You can't boss me around.
I do the bossing!
244
00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,636
Dad, I'm just trying
to help you.
245
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,430
Your mind is not
what it used to be.
246
00:09:56,555 --> 00:09:58,640
ADAM: As always, the neighbors
came out to watch.
247
00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:03,311
Oh, hello, Gina!
Why don't you take a picture?
It'll last longer!
248
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:05,480
ADAM: For the record, Gina,
that's my mom's best friend.
249
00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:06,898
Uh, can I go now?
250
00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:08,483
I've got a date
with Shirley Nagel.
251
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:12,195
She's got 12 grandkids,
so you know she puts out.
252
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,198
Cut the crap,
Albert, okay? Cut it!
253
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,994
It's all life.
You lose your keys,
Barry gets some keys.
254
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:21,204
It's the...
Circle of driving.
255
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:24,541
Looks like I better
get on home
and take this all in.
256
00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:26,460
Can I have the keys?
No!
257
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:27,919
You're out of my will!
258
00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:29,838
You're out of my will!
259
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,882
That's right!
We'll see who croaks first!
260
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,133
BARRY:
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
261
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,384
Does this mean I can drive?
262
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:35,552
No!
Yes!
263
00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:39,681
Yeah, hon, I said Barry
was not ready, and you agreed.
264
00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:42,142
In my defense,
I wasn't listening.
265
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,561
ADAM: Whenever my dad
disagreed with my mom,
266
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,396
this would happen
five minutes later.
267
00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:49,232
Who watches Adam sleep
in case his asthma kicks in?
268
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:50,358
Me.
269
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,152
ADAM: She'd guilt him
into submission.
270
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:55,447
Who bought the family
a new hamster because
you sat on Herbie?
271
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:56,740
Me.
272
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:57,824
ADAM:
But not this time.
273
00:10:57,908 --> 00:11:00,410
See, my dad always had
a soft spot for Barry,
274
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:02,037
so he decided
to help the kid.
275
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,331
I do all the dirty work
that you don't wanna do.
276
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:06,833
Bevy, you live
for those things,
277
00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:08,752
and now that the kids
are growing older,
278
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,837
your whole world
is falling apart.
279
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,672
My world is fine,
thank you very much.
280
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:13,757
Okay.
281
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,801
If you got no problem
letting go,
282
00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,053
then I'm gonna take Barry
for a driving lesson.
283
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,387
(SCOFFS)
284
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:23,100
Ho-ho-ho! You two stuck
in the same car together?
285
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,477
That'll go well.
Good luck not flipping out.
286
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,605
I don't need luck.
I'm gonna teach him good.
287
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,233
I'm gonna parent
the (BLEEP) out of him.
288
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,902
Barry! Daddy's gonna
teach you how to drive!
289
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,529
Seriously?
290
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,364
Uh-huh!
Okay.
291
00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:39,616
(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)
292
00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:42,953
♪ Yeah, that's right,
Barry's drivin' ♪
293
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:44,955
Unreal. I raised a moron.
294
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,456
(BELL DINGS)
295
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:49,960
ADAM: My dad was determined
to do the impossible...
296
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,294
Not yell.
297
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,505
Just stop screaming,
please!
Listen! Listen to me!
298
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:54,673
Okay?
God!
299
00:11:54,798 --> 00:11:56,675
The brakes!
You're riding
the brake!
300
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,969
You've gotta put your foot
on the gas sometime!
301
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,053
You're going
so slow!
(HORN HONKS)
302
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:01,221
Let him pass!
Who?
303
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,473
The guy on the moped!
Let him pass!
304
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:04,975
Go ahead!
Go ahead, okay.
Let him pass!
305
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,101
(HORN HONKS)
306
00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,352
All right?
(MOPED MOTOR REVS)
307
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,479
Now we're going
to make a right.
308
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:12,357
Before we get to the right,
turn on your signal.
309
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,151
(CLICK)
310
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,485
Not the wiper.
311
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:17,821
It's just smearing
everything around!
What is this?
312
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:18,864
Come on.
Oh, my god.
313
00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:19,948
You gotta let me
out of this car, man.
314
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:21,449
I can't die before
I cop a feel!
315
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:24,369
Shut up, okay? You wanna die?
I'll kill you right now! Huh?
316
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,037
Hey! I'll kill
both of you!
317
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:29,082
Do not hit the child
in the back.
318
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:30,333
That's way too advanced.
319
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:31,418
Too advanced!
320
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:34,087
Turn off the wipers.
Make a "U."
We're going home.
321
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:35,755
Home? No, no!
322
00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:37,340
This is my one chance
to get my license,
323
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,301
and I'm getting it,
all right?
You blew it!
324
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,427
Stop the car!
325
00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:41,636
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
326
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:42,888
(GEARS SHIFT)
327
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,848
What are you doing?
328
00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:46,349
(HORN HONKS)
329
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:49,352
Go around!
My son's a moron.
330
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:52,439
Go around!
Just go! He's a moron!
331
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,899
Get out.
I'm taking the wheel.
No!
332
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,108
No. you said
it was my turn.
333
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:56,818
Circle of driving.
334
00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:59,029
Open up!
Open up!
No! No!
335
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,155
Open up!
No!
336
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:03,033
No! No! No! No!
337
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,119
Ah! You can't stay
in there forever.
338
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,371
(HORNS HONKING)
339
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:12,584
ADAM: Forever? No.
But 20 minutes? Absolutely.
340
00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:15,212
Barry, the cop just said
he's gonna tow the car!
341
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,588
Well, I would, too!
342
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:17,923
God!
343
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:20,550
ADAM: And then things
went from bad to worse.
344
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,761
My mom arrived.
345
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:25,805
Who called her?
346
00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:27,891
ADAM: I'll give you a hint.
It was me.
347
00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:29,976
Barry! Open up.
348
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,521
Get out! Get out now!
Get out! Get out!
349
00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:38,568
Let me in!
Let me in!
350
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:39,778
You're not gonna
get punished. Come on!
351
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:40,987
We'll go for pizza!
352
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,906
You wanna go for pizza?
Ice cream, too?
353
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,658
Let me in!
Let me in!
354
00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:47,244
So this is what happens
when you're in charge, huh?
355
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,454
(HORN HONKS,
MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
City-wide traffic jam?
356
00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,414
Whose world
is falling apart now?
357
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,540
MAN: Move the car!
Shut up!
358
00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:57,128
(EXHALES LOUDLY) Albert,
these kids adore you.
359
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:58,421
Talk to the boy.
360
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:00,090
Absolutely.
361
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,884
Fight the power, Barry!
You can drive!
362
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,636
It's a god-given right!
363
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,763
ADAM: In that moment,
my dad expected my mom
364
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:09,933
to go nuclear, but then
she did something even worse.
365
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,977
This is your mess.
You clean it up.
366
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:15,272
ADAM: She left him
in charge of Barry.
367
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:19,943
I regret nothing!
368
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,328
ADAM: In all the chaos,
Pops and I were able
to sneak out
369
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,789
to work on
Operation Waffle Girl.
370
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:35,000
Welcome back, boys.
What'll it be?
371
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,502
I don't know.
What do you think, Alan?
372
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:40,588
Let's pull the trigger.
Two Monte Cristos,
all the trimmings.
373
00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:41,756
(CLEARS THROAT)
374
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,091
All that fried
meat and cheese?
375
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,635
Mom?
You're gonna be on
the bowl for hours.
376
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,679
Mom! Leave now! Go!
377
00:14:47,846 --> 00:14:49,639
(NERVOUSLY)
I'll come back.
378
00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,267
(SINGSONGY)
Oh, I see what's going on.
379
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,602
Someone has a crush.
(CHUCKLES)
380
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:57,147
(NORMAL VOICE)
So adorable.
Not gonna happen.
381
00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:58,398
Excuse me?
Here we go.
382
00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,317
Well, I have to draw
the line somewhere.
383
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,944
Erica's rushing off
to college,
Barry wants to drive,
384
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,946
and now
you wanna date?
385
00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:07,073
You still play
with toy robots!
386
00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:08,742
They're GoBots!
387
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,618
And one day,
they'll be worth millions.
388
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:11,745
ADAM: They weren't.
389
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,830
Baby, you're
not ready for girls.
390
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,540
You don't even
have pit hair.
391
00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:16,666
I have three.
392
00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:17,792
ADAM: I didn't.
393
00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,044
Dad, how could you
encourage this?
394
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:22,547
'Cause he's in sixth grade.
Loosen your damn grip, Bev.
395
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:25,175
Yeah! I'm a man now!
A man with needs,
396
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,677
and I need Zoe
and her sweet,
delicate boobs,
397
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,637
and you can't stop me.
398
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,099
(HUFFS)
399
00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:38,605
You're out of my will!
400
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,193
Whatever that means!
401
00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:46,321
This is your fault,
you know.
402
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:47,864
If I knew that's why
you drove him here,
403
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,324
I never would've
allowed it.
404
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,869
You wanna know why I won't
give up my license, Bev?
405
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:56,122
You wanna get
with Shirley Nagel.
Yes, we get it.
406
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,957
Shirley Nagel.
Are you kidding me?
407
00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,793
I got that locked down.
408
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:01,336
But if you take away
my car,
409
00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:03,713
you take away my time
with my grandson.
410
00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:05,965
Getting waffles
with that little guy,
411
00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:07,884
it's the best part
of my week.
412
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:10,804
Oh, dad.
413
00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,765
I didn't know that.
414
00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:17,227
You'll make it right, Bev.
I know you will.
415
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,650
ADAM: As my mom realized
she had to let go,
416
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,569
my dad decided it was time
to get more involved.
417
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,114
I guess you
were right, okay?
418
00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,573
Looks like
I'll never drive.
419
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,828
Any dummy
can learn to drive,
420
00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:36,913
even a dummy like you.
421
00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:38,790
Come on, dad.
422
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,917
You got me
an REO Speedwagon tape.
423
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,293
You don't know
anything about me.
424
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,337
Trust me. I do.
425
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:48,299
I know you go through life
feeling all angry,
426
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,385
let down, misunderstood.
427
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,470
I get it.
428
00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:56,099
Wow. That's... Yeah.
429
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,101
Do you ever cry
into your pillow?
430
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,437
No, I don't cry
into my pillow.
431
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,730
Who cries
in their pillow?
Not me. I don't.
432
00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,608
Here's what I'm gonna do.
433
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,445
I'm gonna talk to your mom
and tell her
434
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,738
that she's gotta let you
get your driver's license.
435
00:17:10,822 --> 00:17:12,031
Really?
Yes.
436
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,993
Thank you, and can you also
convince her to get a hobby?
437
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,744
Knitting, break dancing.
I know, I know.
438
00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:18,580
Anything besides us.
Yes.
439
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,206
I'm working on it, kid.
440
00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:23,251
ADAM: Turns out
our dad did have
a good heart after all.
441
00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,378
He just had to open it up
once in a while.
442
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,465
You know what?
I don't say it a lot, but...
443
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:31,926
You're not a total moron
all the time.
444
00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:34,012
(BELL DINGS)
445
00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:37,056
(HORN HONKS, ENGINE RUMBLES)
446
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:39,350
Can I drive?
447
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:40,518
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
448
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:41,644
No!
449
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:47,734
Oh, come on.
Not REO Speedwagon.
(TAPE PLAYER CLICKS)
450
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:51,905
Seriously?
Hey, this is
good stuff, okay?
451
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,531
I've been listening to it.
452
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:54,657
(HUMMING ALONG)
453
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:58,203
♪ And yet I'm still afraid
to let it show
454
00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,373
♪ What started out
as friendship
455
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,501
♪ Has grown stronger
456
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,585
Come on.
457
00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:09,797
♪ ...had the strength
to let it show
458
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,008
Here we go! Join me.
459
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:16,971
♪ And I can't stop
this feeling anymore
460
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:18,765
♪ I've forgotten
461
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:22,602
(BOTH)
♪ What I started
fighting for
462
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:23,895
Look at you!
463
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:27,982
♪ It's time to bring
this ship into the shore
464
00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,777
♪ And throw away the oars
465
00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:32,487
♪ Forever
466
00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:41,496
♪ 'Cause I can't fight
this feeling anymore
467
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:46,876
♪ I've forgotten
what I started fighting for ♪
468
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:49,003
What are you, uh, doing?
469
00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:51,214
Nothing.
470
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,259
Those the kids'
baby blankets?
471
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,803
You got me. I...
472
00:18:57,178 --> 00:18:58,555
Sometimes I smell 'em
when I feel sad.
473
00:18:58,680 --> 00:18:59,722
That's not weird, is it?
474
00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:01,724
Well, little weird.
475
00:19:06,563 --> 00:19:07,689
Yeah.
476
00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,399
My world is caving in.
477
00:19:09,524 --> 00:19:11,442
I mean, I've given
those kids everything,
478
00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:14,654
and now that, uh,
they're growing up
479
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,907
and don't need me as much,
what do I have?
480
00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,577
Me. I'm not going anywhere.
481
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:27,250
All right,
let me have a... A sniff.
482
00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:37,719
♪ And I can't fight
this feeling anymore
483
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:43,641
♪ I've forgotten what
I started fighting for
484
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:48,938
♪ It's time to bring this ship
into the shore
485
00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:54,277
♪ And throw away
the oars forever
486
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,114
♪ 'Cause I can't fight
this feeling... ♪
487
00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,450
Forget about the diner.
They just opened this place.
488
00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:01,951
I think you may like it.
489
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:07,915
♪ I've forgotten what
I started fighting for
490
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:12,503
♪ It's time to bring
this ship into the shore
491
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:18,468
♪ And throw away
the oars forever
492
00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:23,014
♪ 'Cause I can't fight
this feeling anymore ♪
493
00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:27,268
ADAM: And with that,
the circle of driving
was finally complete.
494
00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:31,856
♪ I've forgotten what
I started fighting for
495
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:36,736
♪ And if I had to crawl
upon the floor
496
00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:39,030
♪ Come crashing
through your door ♪
497
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,119
(SIGHS)
498
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,747
I raised a moron.
499
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,666
(BELL DINGS)
500
00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,834
(CHUCKLES) Classic.
501
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,130
(CENTERFOLD PLAYING)
502
00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:58,841
♪ Come on ♪
503
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:06,349
You're aggravating me,
you little bastards!
504
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,559
He's aggravating me,
the little bastard!
505
00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:11,437
The sexiest man alive?
Yes, I do.
506
00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,189
Look what I'm
drinking tonight.
507
00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:14,649
Don't forget to wash
your bottom.
508
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:17,276
I don't believe you.
You're really a jackass.
509
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:21,155
Stop videotaping!
Get out! Mom!
510
00:21:21,239 --> 00:21:23,282
Stop! I swear...
(ADAM GIGGLES)
511
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,076
(LAUGHS)
512
00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:28,121
Surprise!
37741
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