1 00:00:01,085 --> 00:00:04,505 Show me "wax on, wax off." 2 00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:05,589 Hyah! 3 00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:09,427 (CENTERFOLD PLAYING) 4 00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,099 ADAM: Man, I love the '80s. 5 00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:18,561 It was the age of E.T., Mr. T., and MTV. 6 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,229 Back then, the world was still small... 7 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,398 No cell phones or internet or Twitter. 8 00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:24,191 Your friends lived on your street, 9 00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:26,777 and your family were the people at your dinner table. 10 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:27,903 (RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES) 11 00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:31,282 If you're assuming these smiley, affectionate people are my family, they're not. 12 00:00:31,407 --> 00:00:33,325 We showed our affection in a different way. 13 00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,119 Yeah, does this hurt? No, it doesn't hurt. 14 00:00:35,244 --> 00:00:37,955 Erica, not at the table. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. 15 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,999 MAN: Now this is how I remember the '80s. 16 00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:42,835 There were no parenting blogs or peanut allergies... 17 00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:45,045 Just a whole lot of crazy. 18 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:46,547 Oh, look at that little geek, right? 19 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:48,591 Yeah, that's me, Adam Goldberg. 20 00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:51,343 We were the first on our block to get a video camera, 21 00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:53,929 and I used it to record my entire childhood. 22 00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:55,598 (SINGSONGY) I'm home! 23 00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:57,475 The man parking his pants at the front door... 24 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,643 That's my dad, Murray Goldberg. 25 00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:01,103 TV's mine! 26 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:02,771 Ever since his last heart attack, 27 00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:05,483 he became determined to exercise, eat better, 28 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,776 and not yell so much. It wasn't working. 29 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,153 Stop with the camera! 30 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,405 My super friendly sister Erica... 31 00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:13,824 She loved to talk to people, just not us. 32 00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:16,035 Adam, what the hell? I'm gonna crimp your face! 33 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,161 Mom! 34 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:21,999 Barry Goldberg, textbook middle child and classic overreactor. 35 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,876 You're a liar, Simon! 36 00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,085 You are a liar! 37 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:26,420 (BUZZING) 38 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:28,672 Stop videotaping! 39 00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:32,384 And finally, my overbearing smother, Beverly Goldberg, 40 00:01:32,635 --> 00:01:34,720 a homemaker, a ball breaker, 41 00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,347 who found the time to stay fit, 42 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,099 raise the kids, and drive us all insane. 43 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:40,351 (ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE) 44 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,186 Yeah, we were the family that yelled and cursed, 45 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:45,356 but to this day, we still love each other. 46 00:01:46,232 --> 00:01:47,525 This is my family... 47 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,027 (READING) 48 00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:52,446 It was September 3rd. 49 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:55,032 It began as a typical morning in the Goldberg house. 50 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:58,202 You don't know anything. He's not too old for me. 51 00:01:58,285 --> 00:01:59,828 He's in college, Erica! 52 00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:02,373 Wrong! He dropped out to start a band. 53 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,582 Don't you feel stupid now? 54 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:06,168 Mom, they don't zip! Can you help me with this? 55 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:09,421 Oh! Look at you! 56 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,883 Oh, why go shopping when your sister's jeans fit you so perfectly? 57 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,677 Fit me perfectly? They're horrible! 58 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,595 They're roomy in the hips and tight in the front. 59 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:17,846 I look like Brooke Shields. 60 00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:19,723 And she's beautiful. 61 00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:24,144 Look, you need to be grateful, because one day I won't be here to help dress you. 62 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,689 You keep saying that, but when? God. 63 00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:29,275 ADAM: As always, my mom began the day by dressing us, 64 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,278 feeding us, and ignoring any sense of human boundaries. 65 00:02:32,403 --> 00:02:33,737 (SINGSONGY) Where's my baby? 66 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,072 (GASPS) (CURTAIN RINGS SWOOSH) 67 00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:36,740 Happy birthday! 68 00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:38,909 (NORMAL VOICE) What do you want for breakfast? Privacy! 69 00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,661 Oh, please. 70 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,080 Don't forget to wash your bottom. 71 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,748 ADAM: Barry was in a rare good mood. 72 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:46,292 He was turning 16, 73 00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:48,794 a day he'd been waiting for his whole life. 74 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,588 (RATTLES) It's jingling. 75 00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:52,798 It's keys! Keys means car! 76 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,425 Car means freedom from all you monsters! 77 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:55,551 I love you, mom. 78 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,094 (WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES) 79 00:02:57,303 --> 00:02:58,387 (BOX LID CLATTERS) 80 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,472 What the hell is this? 81 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,141 It's a locket. 82 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:07,479 It's got my picture inside so you can always have your mother near your heart. 83 00:03:09,607 --> 00:03:11,692 Sweetie, you're just not ready to drive. 84 00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:14,862 You're too immature, and quite honestly, a little high strung. 85 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,614 I am not high strung! 86 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,450 I'm strung just fine, like a tennis racket or a banjo. I... 87 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,828 You know, I think it's great, 'cause all the cool guys in my grade, 88 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:23,912 they have mom lockets. 89 00:03:23,996 --> 00:03:25,039 Hey! All of 'em. (SNICKERS) 90 00:03:25,289 --> 00:03:26,665 Don't poke the bear, all right? 91 00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,584 You don't wanna wear it? Fine. 92 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,502 I'll throw it in the trash. 93 00:03:30,628 --> 00:03:32,129 Go ahead. Do it. Here I go. 94 00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:33,589 Going to the trash. Do it. Go ahead. 95 00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,132 Gonna go in the garbage. Mm-hmm. 96 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,258 (CHAIN JANGLES) 97 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:37,593 Unbelievable! 98 00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,763 You were gonna let me throw this in the trash? 99 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,598 Totally irresponsible. You're not driving. 100 00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:45,225 Oh, god. Dad, please talk some sense into your wife. 101 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,478 She's saying some pretty controversial things over there. 102 00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:50,147 I agree with whatever nonsense your mother just said. 103 00:03:50,314 --> 00:03:53,025 Come on. This is not fair! 104 00:03:53,484 --> 00:03:56,487 Who the hell told you life was fair, you moron? 105 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,156 ADAM: Dad's colorful way of speaking may seem a bit harsh. 106 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:02,117 It really wasn't. You just had to learn how to speak "Murray." 107 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:05,371 It's 2:00 a.m. I thought you were dead! 108 00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:06,872 I could kill you! 109 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,999 (BELL DINGS) 110 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,167 (CLICK) 111 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,670 You broke it? It's amazing. 112 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,922 You little bastards ruin everything. 113 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,632 (BELL DINGS) 114 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:22,763 For someone so smart, you sure act like an idiot. 115 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,306 (BELL DINGS) 116 00:04:26,058 --> 00:04:28,268 All right, stop your pouting. 117 00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:29,895 I got you something, 118 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,689 and I think you're gonna like it. 119 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,858 (WRAPPING PAPER RUSTLES) 120 00:04:37,653 --> 00:04:41,156 REO Speedwagon? This is top 40! 121 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,952 You don't know me at all! I'm into rap, the poetry of the streets! 122 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,203 Come on! No, no, no. 123 00:04:46,412 --> 00:04:48,038 I talked to the guy at Sam Goody. 124 00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:49,498 He said it was a hip track. 125 00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:52,084 Well, did you talk to Sam Goody himself? Huh? 126 00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:55,003 Did you? No. you talked to a random jagoff 127 00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,630 who knows nothing about real music. 128 00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:59,550 You weren't there, okay? The guy had an earring. 129 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,636 He had a jean jacket covered in buttons! Covered! 130 00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,805 (CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR) Don't get your father all worked up. 131 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,432 I'm already all worked up. Honey. 132 00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:08,517 Breathe. Calm down. Breathe, breathe. I'm breathing. 133 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,352 I'm breathing, okay? You're killing your father. 134 00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:11,895 I hope you're having a happy birthday. (EXHALES) 135 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:12,938 (HORN HONKS) 136 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,815 BEREVRLY: Remember what Dr. Hong said. I know what Hong said! 137 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:17,735 ADAM: Barry had one last visitor, my grandfather, Pops. 138 00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:19,862 He was 80 years of pure awesome. 139 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,115 I hear someone turned 16 and could use a new car. 140 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:25,242 Holy crap! For me? 141 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,702 I don't love you that much. 142 00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:29,413 This baby's mine. You get my old one. 143 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,791 Yes! No! I didn't get a car when I turned 16. 144 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,293 What do you need a car for? 145 00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:37,671 With your looks, you can get a ride from any boy in town. 146 00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,423 Here you go. 147 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,091 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) 148 00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:44,470 ADAM: It was the moment Barry had waited for his whole life. 149 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:48,182 Those keys meant freedom, and no man could stop him. 150 00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:50,601 (MUSIC WARPS TO A STOP) 151 00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,394 But my mom could. 152 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:55,147 Not gonna happen, dad. We've decided Barry can't drive. 153 00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:58,275 BARRY: What? So Barry has a car and no license, 154 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,319 and I have a license and no car. 155 00:06:00,486 --> 00:06:01,653 That makes no sense. 156 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,197 You know what else makes no sense? 157 00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,365 Those peach wine coolers I found hiding in your closet. 158 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,785 Yeah. I'm everywhere. 159 00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:10,621 This is the worst birthday ever! 160 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,290 The only one who understands me is Flavor Flav. 161 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,587 Who runs like that? 162 00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:21,298 And what, we having a drag race? What's with the bird car? 163 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,675 Oh, my father thinks he's Burt Reynolds. 164 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:26,762 The sexiest man alive? Yes, I do. 165 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,306 Hey, kiddo, pick you up after school? 166 00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,351 Um, we're going to the Y to do some water aerobics. 167 00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,269 It's good for his circulation. 168 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:36,814 ADAM: Swimming was just our cover. 169 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:38,982 Pops really took me to the House of Waffles 170 00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,776 to teach me the finer things in life. 171 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,861 And you can't just go in and honk 'em. 172 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:45,447 It's all about the cuppage. 173 00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:48,158 Be gentle. Those puppies are sensitive. 174 00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:51,036 I just wanna bury my face in 'em. 175 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:53,372 We all do, but you gotta earn it. 176 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,707 Speaking of, 177 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:58,669 where are we on Operation Waffle Girl? 178 00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:06,301 ADAM: Her name was Zoe Macintosh. 179 00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:08,762 She was the complete package. 180 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:13,308 Beautiful, older, and her dad was our family podiatrist. 181 00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:14,518 Okay. 182 00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,144 Last week, we told her your name. 183 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:17,855 Let's see if it stuck. 184 00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,399 Oh, Miss? Could you top me off? 185 00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:23,235 (LOWERED VOICE) No, no, Pops, too ballsy. Pops, stop. 186 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,571 No, no, we can't do this. I'm not ready! 187 00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:27,990 (DEEP VOICE) 'Sup, girl? 188 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,243 (NORMAL VOICE) The check, please. 189 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:32,828 You got it, Alan. 190 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,706 Did you hear that? She just called me "Alan"! 191 00:07:35,998 --> 00:07:37,082 That's not your name. 192 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,793 I'll change it. I'm Alan now. Pops, you're a genius. 193 00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:41,837 Thank you, Jedi Master. 194 00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,630 (IMITATING LIGHTSABER WHOOSHING) 195 00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:48,927 You're not making this easy, kid. 196 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,387 Sorry. 197 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,471 (WHOOSHING) 198 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,390 You're like my own personal Obi-Wan Kenobi, 199 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,476 but instead of the force, you're teaching me how to get freaky. 200 00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:58,228 Who's Oboe Cannoli? 201 00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,563 Is that Barry? 202 00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:01,732 Barry, what are you doing? 203 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,442 Eating day-old doughnuts. 204 00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,319 My friend Terrance, he's the manager. 205 00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:07,070 He leaves 'em out back for me. 206 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,155 Why? 207 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,324 It's called eating your feelings, assbag! 208 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,535 Mom's gonna walk me to the bus till I'm 40, all right? 209 00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:14,953 Put down the garbage cruller. 210 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:18,999 I'm gonna figure out a way to get you that license and my car. 211 00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:21,084 Come on. Really? 212 00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:27,257 ADAM: As we cruised in Pops' new ride, we felt like kings. 213 00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,843 It didn't matter that my mom said Barry couldn't drive. 214 00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:31,595 Our grandfather would fix that. 215 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:35,098 He was always cooking up a plan in that brilliant mind of his. 216 00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:38,101 All right, Pops, you said you had a plan. Whatchu thinkin'? 217 00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,937 Uh... Uh... 218 00:08:40,270 --> 00:08:41,730 Pops, you okay? 219 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,274 (TIRES SCREECH) 220 00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:46,234 Aah! 221 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,111 (LOUD CLATTER) 222 00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:52,866 (COUGHS) 223 00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,618 (ENGINE HISSING) 224 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,162 ADAM: Okay, his mind wasn't what it used to be, 225 00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:58,872 but his appetite still was. 226 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,791 So who wants nuggets? 227 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,130 ADAM: Pops was booked with reckless endangerment, 228 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,091 and we were all thrown behind bars... 229 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,259 That is until our mom arrived. 230 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,886 Are you proud of yourself? 231 00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:15,138 Locking up an old man and two little boys? 232 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,100 ADAM: God help the poor soul who tried to push us around. 233 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,476 That... Was her job. 234 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:23,188 Memorize this face, because it is gonna haunt your dreams, sir. 235 00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:26,942 It is gonna haunt your (BLEEP) dreams! 236 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,152 Are you guys okay? 237 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:32,072 No, I'm not okay! Barry took a dump in front of us! 238 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,407 I had to go! 239 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:36,660 It was bad. 240 00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:44,209 I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault. 241 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,963 ADAM: The next morning, mom lowered the boom and took Pops' keys. 242 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,589 I'm not one of your kids, Bev. 243 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,884 You can't boss me around. I do the bossing! 244 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,636 Dad, I'm just trying to help you. 245 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,430 Your mind is not what it used to be. 246 00:09:56,555 --> 00:09:58,640 ADAM: As always, the neighbors came out to watch. 247 00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:03,311 Oh, hello, Gina! Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer! 248 00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:05,480 ADAM: For the record, Gina, that's my mom's best friend. 249 00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:06,898 Uh, can I go now? 250 00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:08,483 I've got a date with Shirley Nagel. 251 00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:12,195 She's got 12 grandkids, so you know she puts out. 252 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,198 Cut the crap, Albert, okay? Cut it! 253 00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,994 It's all life. You lose your keys, Barry gets some keys. 254 00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:21,204 It's the... Circle of driving. 255 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:24,541 Looks like I better get on home and take this all in. 256 00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:26,460 Can I have the keys? No! 257 00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:27,919 You're out of my will! 258 00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:29,838 You're out of my will! 259 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,882 That's right! We'll see who croaks first! 260 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,133 BARRY: Wait. Wait, wait, wait. 261 00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,384 Does this mean I can drive? 262 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:35,552 No! Yes! 263 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:39,681 Yeah, hon, I said Barry was not ready, and you agreed. 264 00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:42,142 In my defense, I wasn't listening. 265 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,561 ADAM: Whenever my dad disagreed with my mom, 266 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,396 this would happen five minutes later. 267 00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:49,232 Who watches Adam sleep in case his asthma kicks in? 268 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:50,358 Me. 269 00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,152 ADAM: She'd guilt him into submission. 270 00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:55,447 Who bought the family a new hamster because you sat on Herbie? 271 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:56,740 Me. 272 00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:57,824 ADAM: But not this time. 273 00:10:57,908 --> 00:11:00,410 See, my dad always had a soft spot for Barry, 274 00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:02,037 so he decided to help the kid. 275 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,331 I do all the dirty work that you don't wanna do. 276 00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:06,833 Bevy, you live for those things, 277 00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:08,752 and now that the kids are growing older, 278 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,837 your whole world is falling apart. 279 00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,672 My world is fine, thank you very much. 280 00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:13,757 Okay. 281 00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,801 If you got no problem letting go, 282 00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,053 then I'm gonna take Barry for a driving lesson. 283 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,387 (SCOFFS) 284 00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:23,100 Ho-ho-ho! You two stuck in the same car together? 285 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,477 That'll go well. Good luck not flipping out. 286 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,605 I don't need luck. I'm gonna teach him good. 287 00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,233 I'm gonna parent the (BLEEP) out of him. 288 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,902 Barry! Daddy's gonna teach you how to drive! 289 00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,529 Seriously? 290 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,364 Uh-huh! Okay. 291 00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:39,616 (GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY) 292 00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:42,953 ♪ Yeah, that's right, Barry's drivin' ♪ 293 00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:44,955 Unreal. I raised a moron. 294 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,456 (BELL DINGS) 295 00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:49,960 ADAM: My dad was determined to do the impossible... 296 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,294 Not yell. 297 00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,505 Just stop screaming, please! Listen! Listen to me! 298 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:54,673 Okay? God! 299 00:11:54,798 --> 00:11:56,675 The brakes! You're riding the brake! 300 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,969 You've gotta put your foot on the gas sometime! 301 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,053 You're going so slow! (HORN HONKS) 302 00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:01,221 Let him pass! Who? 303 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,473 The guy on the moped! Let him pass! 304 00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:04,975 Go ahead! Go ahead, okay. Let him pass! 305 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,101 (HORN HONKS) 306 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:07,352 All right? (MOPED MOTOR REVS) 307 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,479 Now we're going to make a right. 308 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:12,357 Before we get to the right, turn on your signal. 309 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,151 (CLICK) 310 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,485 Not the wiper. 311 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:17,821 It's just smearing everything around! What is this? 312 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:18,864 Come on. Oh, my god. 313 00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:19,948 You gotta let me out of this car, man. 314 00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:21,449 I can't die before I cop a feel! 315 00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:24,369 Shut up, okay? You wanna die? I'll kill you right now! Huh? 316 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,037 Hey! I'll kill both of you! 317 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:29,082 Do not hit the child in the back. 318 00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:30,333 That's way too advanced. 319 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:31,418 Too advanced! 320 00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:34,087 Turn off the wipers. Make a "U." We're going home. 321 00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:35,755 Home? No, no! 322 00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:37,340 This is my one chance to get my license, 323 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,301 and I'm getting it, all right? You blew it! 324 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,427 Stop the car! 325 00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:41,636 (BRAKES SQUEAL) 326 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:42,888 (GEARS SHIFT) 327 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,848 What are you doing? 328 00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:46,349 (HORN HONKS) 329 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:49,352 Go around! My son's a moron. 330 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:52,439 Go around! Just go! He's a moron! 331 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,899 Get out. I'm taking the wheel. No! 332 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,108 No. you said it was my turn. 333 00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:56,818 Circle of driving. 334 00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:59,029 Open up! Open up! No! No! 335 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,155 Open up! No! 336 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:03,033 No! No! No! No! 337 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,119 Ah! You can't stay in there forever. 338 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,371 (HORNS HONKING) 339 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:12,584 ADAM: Forever? No. But 20 minutes? Absolutely. 340 00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:15,212 Barry, the cop just said he's gonna tow the car! 341 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,588 Well, I would, too! 342 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:17,923 God! 343 00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:20,550 ADAM: And then things went from bad to worse. 344 00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,761 My mom arrived. 345 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:25,805 Who called her? 346 00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:27,891 ADAM: I'll give you a hint. It was me. 347 00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:29,976 Barry! Open up. 348 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,521 Get out! Get out now! Get out! Get out! 349 00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:38,568 Let me in! Let me in! 350 00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:39,778 You're not gonna get punished. Come on! 351 00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:40,987 We'll go for pizza! 352 00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,906 You wanna go for pizza? Ice cream, too? 353 00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,658 Let me in! Let me in! 354 00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:47,244 So this is what happens when you're in charge, huh? 355 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,454 (HORN HONKS, MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) City-wide traffic jam? 356 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,414 Whose world is falling apart now? 357 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,540 MAN: Move the car! Shut up! 358 00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:57,128 (EXHALES LOUDLY) Albert, these kids adore you. 359 00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:58,421 Talk to the boy. 360 00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:00,090 Absolutely. 361 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,884 Fight the power, Barry! You can drive! 362 00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,636 It's a god-given right! 363 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,763 ADAM: In that moment, my dad expected my mom 364 00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:09,933 to go nuclear, but then she did something even worse. 365 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,977 This is your mess. You clean it up. 366 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:15,272 ADAM: She left him in charge of Barry. 367 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:19,943 I regret nothing! 368 00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,328 ADAM: In all the chaos, Pops and I were able to sneak out 369 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,789 to work on Operation Waffle Girl. 370 00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:35,000 Welcome back, boys. What'll it be? 371 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,502 I don't know. What do you think, Alan? 372 00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:40,588 Let's pull the trigger. Two Monte Cristos, all the trimmings. 373 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:41,756 (CLEARS THROAT) 374 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,091 All that fried meat and cheese? 375 00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,635 Mom? You're gonna be on the bowl for hours. 376 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:47,679 Mom! Leave now! Go! 377 00:14:47,846 --> 00:14:49,639 (NERVOUSLY) I'll come back. 378 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,267 (SINGSONGY) Oh, I see what's going on. 379 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,602 Someone has a crush. (CHUCKLES) 380 00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:57,147 (NORMAL VOICE) So adorable. Not gonna happen. 381 00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:58,398 Excuse me? Here we go. 382 00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,317 Well, I have to draw the line somewhere. 383 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,944 Erica's rushing off to college, Barry wants to drive, 384 00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,946 and now you wanna date? 385 00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:07,073 You still play with toy robots! 386 00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:08,742 They're GoBots! 387 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,618 And one day, they'll be worth millions. 388 00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:11,745 ADAM: They weren't. 389 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,830 Baby, you're not ready for girls. 390 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,540 You don't even have pit hair. 391 00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:16,666 I have three. 392 00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:17,792 ADAM: I didn't. 393 00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,044 Dad, how could you encourage this? 394 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:22,547 'Cause he's in sixth grade. Loosen your damn grip, Bev. 395 00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:25,175 Yeah! I'm a man now! A man with needs, 396 00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,677 and I need Zoe and her sweet, delicate boobs, 397 00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,637 and you can't stop me. 398 00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:33,099 (HUFFS) 399 00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:38,605 You're out of my will! 400 00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,193 Whatever that means! 401 00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:46,321 This is your fault, you know. 402 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:47,864 If I knew that's why you drove him here, 403 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,324 I never would've allowed it. 404 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,869 You wanna know why I won't give up my license, Bev? 405 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:56,122 You wanna get with Shirley Nagel. Yes, we get it. 406 00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,957 Shirley Nagel. Are you kidding me? 407 00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,793 I got that locked down. 408 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:01,336 But if you take away my car, 409 00:16:01,419 --> 00:16:03,713 you take away my time with my grandson. 410 00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:05,965 Getting waffles with that little guy, 411 00:16:06,091 --> 00:16:07,884 it's the best part of my week. 412 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:10,804 Oh, dad. 413 00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,765 I didn't know that. 414 00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:17,227 You'll make it right, Bev. I know you will. 415 00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,650 ADAM: As my mom realized she had to let go, 416 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,569 my dad decided it was time to get more involved. 417 00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,114 I guess you were right, okay? 418 00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,573 Looks like I'll never drive. 419 00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,828 Any dummy can learn to drive, 420 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:36,913 even a dummy like you. 421 00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:38,790 Come on, dad. 422 00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,917 You got me an REO Speedwagon tape. 423 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,293 You don't know anything about me. 424 00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,337 Trust me. I do. 425 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:48,299 I know you go through life feeling all angry, 426 00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:50,385 let down, misunderstood. 427 00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:52,470 I get it. 428 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:56,099 Wow. That's... Yeah. 429 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,101 Do you ever cry into your pillow? 430 00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,437 No, I don't cry into my pillow. 431 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,730 Who cries in their pillow? Not me. I don't. 432 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,608 Here's what I'm gonna do. 433 00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:08,445 I'm gonna talk to your mom and tell her 434 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,738 that she's gotta let you get your driver's license. 435 00:17:10,822 --> 00:17:12,031 Really? Yes. 436 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,993 Thank you, and can you also convince her to get a hobby? 437 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:16,744 Knitting, break dancing. I know, I know. 438 00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:18,580 Anything besides us. Yes. 439 00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,206 I'm working on it, kid. 440 00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:23,251 ADAM: Turns out our dad did have a good heart after all. 441 00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,378 He just had to open it up once in a while. 442 00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:28,465 You know what? I don't say it a lot, but... 443 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:31,926 You're not a total moron all the time. 444 00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:34,012 (BELL DINGS) 445 00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:37,056 (HORN HONKS, ENGINE RUMBLES) 446 00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:39,350 Can I drive? 447 00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:40,518 (BRAKES SQUEAL) 448 00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:41,644 No! 449 00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:47,734 Oh, come on. Not REO Speedwagon. (TAPE PLAYER CLICKS) 450 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:51,905 Seriously? Hey, this is good stuff, okay? 451 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,531 I've been listening to it. 452 00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:54,657 (HUMMING ALONG) 453 00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:58,203 ♪ And yet I'm still afraid to let it show 454 00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,373 ♪ What started out as friendship 455 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,501 ♪ Has grown stronger 456 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,585 Come on. 457 00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:09,797 ♪ ...had the strength to let it show 458 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,008 Here we go! Join me. 459 00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:16,971 ♪ And I can't stop this feeling anymore 460 00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:18,765 ♪ I've forgotten 461 00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:22,602 (BOTH) ♪ What I started fighting for 462 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:23,895 Look at you! 463 00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:27,982 ♪ It's time to bring this ship into the shore 464 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,777 ♪ And throw away the oars 465 00:18:30,944 --> 00:18:32,487 ♪ Forever 466 00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:41,496 ♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore 467 00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:46,876 ♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for ♪ 468 00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:49,003 What are you, uh, doing? 469 00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:51,214 Nothing. 470 00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,259 Those the kids' baby blankets? 471 00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,803 You got me. I... 472 00:18:57,178 --> 00:18:58,555 Sometimes I smell 'em when I feel sad. 473 00:18:58,680 --> 00:18:59,722 That's not weird, is it? 474 00:18:59,931 --> 00:19:01,724 Well, little weird. 475 00:19:06,563 --> 00:19:07,689 Yeah. 476 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,399 My world is caving in. 477 00:19:09,524 --> 00:19:11,442 I mean, I've given those kids everything, 478 00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:14,654 and now that, uh, they're growing up 479 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,907 and don't need me as much, what do I have? 480 00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,577 Me. I'm not going anywhere. 481 00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:27,250 All right, let me have a... A sniff. 482 00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:37,719 ♪ And I can't fight this feeling anymore 483 00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:43,641 ♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for 484 00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:48,938 ♪ It's time to bring this ship into the shore 485 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:54,277 ♪ And throw away the oars forever 486 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,114 ♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling... ♪ 487 00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,450 Forget about the diner. They just opened this place. 488 00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:01,951 I think you may like it. 489 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:07,915 ♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for 490 00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:12,503 ♪ It's time to bring this ship into the shore 491 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:18,468 ♪ And throw away the oars forever 492 00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:23,014 ♪ 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore ♪ 493 00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:27,268 ADAM: And with that, the circle of driving was finally complete. 494 00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:31,856 ♪ I've forgotten what I started fighting for 495 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:36,736 ♪ And if I had to crawl upon the floor 496 00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:39,030 ♪ Come crashing through your door ♪ 497 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,119 (SIGHS) 498 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,747 I raised a moron. 499 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,666 (BELL DINGS) 500 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,834 (CHUCKLES) Classic. 501 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,130 (CENTERFOLD PLAYING) 502 00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:58,841 ♪ Come on ♪ 503 00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:06,349 You're aggravating me, you little bastards! 504 00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,559 He's aggravating me, the little bastard! 505 00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:11,437 The sexiest man alive? Yes, I do. 506 00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,189 Look what I'm drinking tonight. 507 00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:14,649 Don't forget to wash your bottom. 508 00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:17,276 I don't believe you. You're really a jackass. 509 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:21,155 Stop videotaping! Get out! Mom! 510 00:21:21,239 --> 00:21:23,282 Stop! I swear... (ADAM GIGGLES) 511 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:25,076 (LAUGHS) 512 00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:28,121 Surprise!