Original subtitles

Yes, yeah, yeah.

Oh, boy.

Oh, well, that's all, yeah.

That'll do you a lot to all of them, won't it, Mandy?

It's a pretty flower.

Could

you

sound like... I'll wave you a piece, Mr Blake. I'm going home.

Certainly, love.

Oh, they're nice.

Hydrangeas, aren't they?

No,

they're begonias, love.

They're hydrangeas over there, you see.

They're begonias, they're panties, and they're gauze.

Gauze?

They was irises just now.

Oh, well, they're stopped now.

Oh, God, he's stuck again, has he? Who? The demon flower plucker.

I'm sorry, miss, but I've stood just as much as I can take from that demon.

Snapping my flowers off at the stalks just as they're bursting from the buds.

After I've nurtured them and all. Oh, sounds ever so painful.

Eh?

Yes, it'll be painful for him next time, though, I'll tell you.

Here you are, love. Thank you.

Right then.

You can pass for it, I'll tell you.

Right.

It's set me from my track.

Here.

Now. Now then.

Now then.

We'll find out just who you are, you faceless, thieving flower snatcher, you.

Right. Yeah.

And I think I do know who you are and all.

So there you are, Jack. Come on, let's push off. Yeah, well, I've just been

putting my gear away.

Well, bird time now, mate.

Yeah, there's some lovely birds working here and all, isn't there? Hello. Look

at that one.

Oh, blimey, she's not a bird, she's a vulture.

Not Ollie.

Here, lay off that, mate. I'm working on that.

Well, work on it, then. Yeah, well, I'm trying, aren't I? Here, Sandra, darling.

I've got you a few flowers. Again?

Oh, viruses.

How lovely.

You'll ruin your garden, you lovely boy.

Do you fancy a nice bunch of croissants?

Oh, yeah. Well, you know I like croissants. Right, you go and put your

away, and I'll see you in a minute, then. You are sweet, Jack.

Yeah. Here, I thought you said you'd give me the last of the croissants

yesterday. Oh, yeah, well, I've just spotted a few more growing today.

Well, they don't grow as fast as that, Jack.

They do in my garden.

See you in a minute.

plucker. We'll seal you up.

I'll do it with you. I'll do it.

That's just what I'm going to do and all, Harper. You know what they do out

when they catch a thief?

They chop his hands off.

Harper, sir, I'll call him TV Mike and say to them, he's my pretty little

sir.

Back to work.

Sir, I've caught him red -handed. I don't know why he wants to steal those

feeble -looking specimens anyway. I do hope you've got a better display than

that for the competition next Friday.

Competition? The depot flower and vegetable competition.

Oh, yes, sir. Right.

Now then, I shall be the judge.

And all entries will be judged in situ.

Snapped off with the bait?

Where they are going.

And there will be no cheating.

How many have entered for the competition?

Well, none, sir. None?

Well, I do think it's a pretty silly idea, don't you, sir? Blake, it was my

wife's idea.

Oh. Oh, it's a good idea, sir. And you say nobody's entered?

Well, yeah, just one. Who's that?

Me, sir.

You haven't put your name on the list?

I was just going to do it now, sir. It's all right, yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, if

you've got no garden, you've got nowhere to sunbathe privately, I mean, it's

just an idea. I mean, why don't you come round to my place? It's smushy and

you'll love it. It's sweet of you, Jack.

Are you sure you won't mind me lying around the place in my bikini?

Yeah, well, I'll try and put up with it, won't I?

Can I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen, please?

You do all realise that this is positively the last chance you've got of

entering the flower and vegetable competition, don't you?

The flower and vegetable competition.

Now, how many want to put their names down there? Nobody.

You mind your own business, Harper. I'm not talking to you. There is a £25

prize, you know, a first prize. You're wasting your time, Blackie. £25 ain't

worth all the trouble involved. Besides, nobody's got a good enough garden

anyway. Oh, but you must have, Jack.

You told me how lovely your garden was.

Yeah.

Yes, you must have, mustn't he? Yeah. Yeah. How else would you get all them

lovely flowers out of it then, right?

Yeah, well, you'd better stick my name down there, bloody. Yeah, that's better.

I've got to be off now. I'm sure you'll win easily.

Yeah. Yeah, she's right.

Yeah, I'll easily win that 25 quid. You must be out of your mind, Harper.

I bet your garden's like a rubbish tip, innit? That money's as good as mine.

Yours? What do you know about flowers?

I know a bit more than you think I know, Harper, I'll tell you. I've got green

fingers, I have. Yeah, I know you have, Dracula.

You've got a green face to go with them.

Don't you worry, Mrs Butler.

I'll soon have that garden looking all ship -shaped and tiddly -tidy. I can't

wait to get and have a look at it. Oh, well, it used to look lovely in the old

days, you know. Of course, I haven't got time to keep it nice now. Now I've got

you for a lodger. Here, I've got a whole line of washing to get out there today

to get dry on Sunday of all days. Oh, never mind, Mum. It'll soon dry.

Oh, I think it's going to be a torture.

I can tell by the way my girdle's sticking to me.

I love the sun.

getting to my bikini today?

Yeah, you might if you find a couple of tyre levers.

You're so rude. You haven't even seen my bikini yet.

No, but I've seen what's got to go into it.

Well, I don't think it's good for you exposing your flesh to that hot sun.

Oh, I don't know. Might melt a bit of her fat, mightn't it?

Well, at least I've got some flesh on me instead of like you, all skin and

bones. Now, Olive, don't be rude to the inspector.

He can't help being all scrawny.

I know about that, Mrs Butler. You fill that muscle, then.

Eh? Oh, my goodness, it's like steel.

Yeah, you ought to fill some of my other muscles.

Oh, Inspector.

If a landlady went around feeling her lodger's muscles, will you tell her

it had laid?

Not very far up, and I'll show you that.

Oh, well, I'll have a look at that garden, tidy it up before the judging.

Oh, my God.

Well... What it needs is a man's hand.

It needs an army of men's hands.

Well, you've got the hands. Here, and you've got the muscles.

That's very good, Blakey. I must say, that's lovely. You've done a lovely job

there. The informal look.

You can stop, Harper.

If you've got nothing better to do, old mate, you come over and give me a hand

with some of this junk. Sorry about that, but I have got something better to

Ah, you're wasting your time with that competition, mate.

You don't stand a chance.

What are you talking about?

Listen, mate, we've got a tree in this garden. That's something you ain't got.

That's all you know. Look, the roots happen to be in my garden.

Well, what's all the top been doing over in this garden? You leave that alone,

mate. I planted that for my conker.

Oh, Sandra, look, darling, you'll never get sunburned without all this taking

off. No, Jack, it's cold out here. There's no sun yet.

Oh, look, I tell you what, I've got a sun lamp indoors in my bedroom.

Right.

Barbara, what have you got in there?

You've got a... You've got a naked woman in there.

No, not quite, Blackie. She's still got her bikini on. What are you doing? She

won't have much longer, not if I can help it. What are you doing?

It's not what I'm doing, it's what I'm hoping to do.

You're depraved. Yeah, I know.

Right,

come on then, Sandra. Let's get up the bedroom.

It's absolutely disgusting.

Who are you calling disgusting?

Oh, my God.

They're all at it.

What do you think you're doing down there? Look at you, look. Like a

great white whale.

Yeah, if I come and move over, I want to do some weeding here. Oh, I don't know

why you bother. I like it like it is.

Look, I am not leaving that purse prize of 25 pounds to that sex maniac next

door. No, you're right. He is a sex maniac.

Here, Mr. Blake, would you do my bra strap at the back, please? Eh?

Do no such thing.

Well, I don't want strap marks on me back.

Well, in my way, you'll have a few strap marks across your backside.

Oh, Mr.

Blake. Come on, come on, carry your club up, you get out.

and this washing.

What is it you're going to do? I'm going to put this washing out, aren't I?

You're not doing anything at all. What do you think? This is supposed to be a

competition for God.

Not the Chinese laundry.

Yeah, so I'll blank. He spent all day yesterday clearing up his garden.

Well, you want to watch it, mate? Otherwise he's going to beat you in that

competition on Friday. No, he don't stand a chance. I mean, how could he

He's got no flowers in his garden, has he? Well, nor have you, have you? Well,

know that, don't I? But I've got it all worked out, mate. Now, come on, I want

to get the bus out early. Yeah, but we're used to it.

I know. Here comes Adam the gardener.

What are you going out early for? Well, we always do, don't we, Blackie? Yeah,

yeah, yeah. No, no, seriously, mate. I've got to admit, you're doing a very

job on your backyard.

Thanks very much.

Yeah, pity it's not a rubbish tip competition. You win hands down.

You can laugh, Art, but you just remember, mate, who laughs last, laughs

We've got a surprise coming to you, mate. Yeah, well, so have you got a

coming to you. You're not as big of a surprise as you've got coming. Wait,

you finish your gardening club, I thought you wanted to get out early.

don't hang us about, Blackie. We want to get off to work. You're up to

something, aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

What about your garden?

Not going to tell you.

Yeah, well, I'm not going to tell you about my gardening.

All right.

Sit down.

All right.

rubbing up against by all the ox.

You both!

Oh,

Mr. Blake, you have made the garden look

lovely and so quickly.

Them lovely flowers cost me a fortune, Mrs Butler.

Them I know. I shall win that competition tomorrow, so I'll get all me

back. So I'm going to go out and plant me cabbage plants this evening.

Jack's garden looks very nice.

What does he know?

He don't stand a chance.

Did you enjoy your dinner?

Yes, great.

Great improvement.

I could eat it.

Them spring greens were lovely.

Well, don't thank me. You bought them.

No, I didn't buy them.

Yes, you did. You left him a newspaper on the table over there.

What? Oh, no.

My cabbage plants.

What about your cabbage plants?

Them spring greens I just ate, they were my cabbage plants.

Ah, well, they was very lovely, I must say.

Will you grow us some more?

Yeah, if I ever get a chance to get them in the ground before you cook them.

All right if I go and have a look at it?

No, it is not all right, Mrs. Butler. I don't want your big feet trampling over

my arses.

Oh, that's one in the arse of Blackie.

Now, Tibbles, come here.

Don't you go in that nasty old Dracula's garden.

He might stick his fangs in you.

Playing with your pussy, are you?

You keep that mangy -looking moggy out of here, Harper. I'll chop him up for

mouse meat.

Mate, listen, I wouldn't let my cat soil his paws in your rotten garden.

Oh, pal.

This garden is going to win that competition for me tomorrow.

You can scoff, mate. Have a look at it. Look.

A triumph of the gardener's art. Look at it. Oh, you've got to be joking.

Look at my garden. The streets there are yours, aren't they?

You don't stand a chance, mate.

Look at it. Look. Oh, look at all your little dwarfs. Look.

What are you, Snow White?

We like it, don't we, Tibbles, eh?

We're going to win that competition, aren't we?

You keep that cat out of here, I'm telling you. I'm warning you.

Yeah, silly old fool.

Mind you, Tibbles, I've got to admit, his garden don't look half bad.

What's the matter?

Oh, yeah, what?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

All right, go on, go on. There's a good boy.

Do it for Daddy.

Go on, then. Go and do it over there by them petunias.

Oh, no!

He's trained that cat! You've trained that cat to ruin my garden, ain't you?

I'll give you room.

Carnarvon Tibbles has turned traitor.

No, no, no. It's that Carnarvon basket next door, isn't it?

Oh, no,

don't you dare look.

We love the old stranger, brutally murdered.

Will you chop down...

anything to do with his business in my bed, then? Well, he's got to go

when he's caught short, hasn't he?

He's only human.

I'm warning you all.

You touch my plants, I'll flatten you. I'm telling you. You're jealous, mate.

That's all you are. You're jealous just because your garden's not as good as

mine. Not as good as yours?

Don't be talking daft, mate. My garden is ten times better than yours.

Twenty times better. How can it be, mate? Your garden's starved. It was

mate. Well, I'll feed it, then, won't I? What with?

I'm not telling you, mate.

Come on, old lad.

Don't take all day about it.

He's having it.

You can laugh.

Your garden's in a shopping state, mate. You needed that when you were bad.

No, I don't. Look, I've got a tree in my garden. You haven't. They'll swing it

in my favour.

We'll see about that.

You'll be laughing on the other side of your face tomorrow.

I'm sure I turned it on.

Well, there's no one here, Mike. What's the matter with the light there? No,

look, the light's on. I'm sure I turned it out.

Oh, well, maybe Mr. Blake came down afterwards and he left it on.

Waste of the electric.

Look, and he's left the back door unbolted.

Yes, we might have been assaulted in our beds by a sex maniac.

Oh, Teb, well, stop snoring for God's sake.

What is that noise?

What's going on?

The tree!

He's cut my tree down!

I was just trying to get in. Oh, yes.

Yes. Have the drag part. Oh, well, yes, you see, I came down the top to go for a

walk. And when I came back, the door was bolted.

Bolted itself, did it? Oh, well, no, I don't suppose so. No, I suppose somebody

come to bolt it when I came out to go for a walk. Yeah, you always go for a

in your pyjamas, do you? Well, it's a bit warm in there.

With a thorn and a chopper.

No, but I was just trying to get in, you see. Trying to break in more like it.

All right, come with us. No, no, you don't understand. I live here. Oh, yes.

You can prove that. Of course I can prove it. My tree.

My lovely old tree.

Oh, thank God. Here.

Tell this stupid idiot I live here, will you? What's your... I heard that.

What's your name, sir? Jack Harper. I live here. He cut my tree down.

Did you cut his tree down? Yeah, of course I did. I just pruned it a little

Ah, a tree vandal, eh? Unless you can vouch for this man, I shall have to

him. I've never seen him before in my life, I'm sure.

Oh!

Judas!

He's lying.

Now, be very careful with this. That's evidence. Off you go now. You don't

understand. Obviously, he's lying. Look, they know me. Yeah, why?

Mrs. Butler.

Anyway, they came and carted old Blakey off to the cop shop and he's 90.

I think that's very mean of you, Jack. Well, he asked for it. Oh, darn it.

Hello, here he comes, convict 99.

Come on, Blakey, you're late.

Let me get out. Yeah, all right.

But you said last night that you didn't know this gentleman. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, it was very dark last night. You see, I didn't recognise him. Anyway, he

changes at midnight. He's Dracula.

Sweet. Now, just watch your language, if you please, sir. And I think I'll take

that before you fly off with it.

Here's your clothes you asked for, Mr Blaine. Oh, thanks.

He's on before the manager finds out. Yeah, he already knows. I just told him.

Oh, good.

Where is he?

He's round home judging the gardens. Yeah, what did he say about mine?

Oh, dear.

Yeah, but what did he say about my garden? That's what he said. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, God.

That means I've won.

What did he say about mine?

He didn't say anything. He just kept on laughing.

That means I've won. There's only two of us in it, eh?

I'm sorry about all this.

Oh, that's all right, Blink.

I think it's very funny.

What did you think about the garden, then, sir?

Oh, they were very close.

Very close.

Next door to each other, in fact.

What did you think about them, though, sir?

I couldn't make up my mind between the two.

Eh?

Oh, I see. You couldn't make up your mind which was the best?

No, I couldn't decide which was the worst.

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. So it's a draw, so we share the first prize,

yeah? Oh, yeah. I suppose we have to have half each because we're drawn for

first place.

If you draw for first place.

But I'm afraid you've drawn for last place.

Oh, George, I'm terribly sorry. No, no, no, you see, my wife told me

to put her name down after you.

Your wife?

Well, that's not fair.

isn't it? You what?

Well, I mean, it's not fair, is it, sir?

No, you're quite right, Blake, it's not fair, but I've got to live with her and

that's not fair either, is it?

You do understand, don't you? Yeah, I understand all that. Right then, get to

work. And, Blake, I know you've been doing a lot of midnight gardening

but put your trousers on, will you?

Well, you don't want those caterpillars tickling your fancy, do you?

We've got to work out a bit, old man.

Keep the shirt on, Blackie. I'm in your knickers.

I'll get you, but it's hard for you to see my tongue.