Original subtitles

Here you go, Dad. All I had was mineral water. Nothing but the great taste of

limon.

I just think it is so sweet that the two of you are renewing your vows. It is

exciting, isn't it?

Oh, boy.

The first time we got married, it was a rushed dockside affair. It was just us

and Harold's Coast Guard chaplain. Yeah, I had to go on emergency duty to defend

this nation's 12 -mile fishing limits.

Don't get him started talking about it. All the stories are sad.

Oh, we have so much to do. I mean, I've got to pick out a dress, and we haven't

even talked to a florist yet. Well, I can help you with that if you want.

Oh, Laurie, I think you're forgetting how busy you're going to be this week.

What with working, and then driving to work, and then there's the working, and

then driving back from work.

I have a florist who's really reasonable, and I can help you find a

if you want. Oh!

Oh, we hadn't even thought about a photographer.

Well, shouldn't Uncle Bert and Aunt Fern be helping with some of this stuff?

Well, they're not going to be getting here until just before the wedding. You

know, Uncle Bert insisted on taking the train from New York. I just hope he buys

a ticket this time.

Boxcar hopping is a young man's game.

Now, don't forget to pick them up at Union Station at 7 .45 on Saturday

And I'm picking up Aunt Maddie at the airport.

Oh, gosh.

Well, Saturday, don't worry about it. Ellen and I will pick her up.

Well, although it is the Sabbath.

We'll take care of it. Oh, thank you.

We have to get to the cleaners. You know, Harold is wearing his Coast Guard

uniform for the ceremony.

Oh, wow, you haven't put that on since we watched Jacques Cousteau's funeral on

TV. Oh, stop. You, come on.

Bye. Bye. Bye -bye.

What were you doing there?

What? What are you doing? Getting involved in this wedding thing is going

a huge hassle. Oh, come on. I want to pitch in. I mean, I think the two of

getting married again is so sweet. Don't think of it as a marriage. Think of it

as a marriage between two crazy people.

Okay, all right. So it'll be a little bit of running around. It won't be that

bad. And besides, we can't get out of it now. Oh, maybe you can't, unless you

have your own fake leg cast.

I can't decide which one I like, so...

Laurie, what do you think?

Oh, that looks perfect on you.

Except when I exhale, you can see the underwear you bought me for Christmas.

Look at you. That's beautiful.

Oh, and this looked great on you, too.

Oh, really?

Well, you know, all the dresses you brought over are beautiful, but I... Oh,

Paige, could you come here?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I just, I can't pull that one off.

Sure you could.

Right over your head.

Oh, Ellen, come on. Can you, can you come out and help?

Oh, my little girl.

Don't cry, Mom. I'll find my sheep.

Why don't you try this one on and I'll try that one on now?

I already tried that one on, Mom, right after I tried Lori's on and before I

refused to try Paige's on.

Don't worry, Lois. Any one of these will look great on you.

Oh. Oh, I hope that's not that caterer. He's been pressuring me to make a

decision about this salad.

Mom, we already decided about this salad, remember?

That car horn went by and it sounded like arugula and you said it was a sign?

Your father thinks arugula is too hoity -toity for our crowd.

He says we're iceberg folks.

She can change her mind if she wants.

Maybe we should go with the mixed greens. You know, that has more niacin.

could hand out multiple vitamins with a champagne. We're not switching salads,

Mom. Oh, honey.

Okay.

The first call was the music booker, and you're in luck. They found the one

surviving ink spot.

Only you have to pay for the Medivan.

And, um, your dad's on the line. He said it's important and he needs to talk to

you. Okay, you stay here and roll your eyes at my mother, will you? Sure.

Hey, Dad, what's up?

Hi, Yelly.

Listen, I need to get your advice on something.

Which of these neckties do you think goes better with my blue blazer?

Oh, and tell your mother she's serving arugula over my dead body.

Bye -bye.

Paige, please get that. I'm going to be busy for the next few minutes grinding

my teeth to dust.

I don't know, Lois. I mean, go with your heart, because matchbook covers are

such a personal choice.

Well, I have another catalog in the car.

You know, Ellen, I just...

I really love your mother, and I am so glad that she feels comfortable enough

include me in all these little decisions. I'm just so grateful that you

have a flight of stairs that I can push her down.

Oh, honey, I knew you'd understand.

All right, that was your Uncle Bert. He needs your help with the bachelor party.

He says if you don't deliver the deposit by six, your dad doesn't get a

stripper.

You always dream of the day you hear those words, but you're never really

prepared for it.

Dad's entertainment for his bachelor party.

Ah, you're a good daughter.

Anyway, the address is on the envelope, and that's it. Oh, by the way, you

should know, one of your nudes on your nudes, nudes, nudes sign is not lighting

up.

Oh, wait a minute. What kind of act do you want? What kind of girl do you think

your father would like?

Oh, um, I don't... Hi. How are you?

Um, I don't know.

My dad has never really told me what he looks for in his strippers.

You know, I guess we don't talk the way we should.

Uh, this is cinnamon, honey, and cherry -o. Oh.

Well, hi. I'm Ellen.

My parents almost named me Coco, but at the last minute went nuts.

Well, you look them over and take your pick. I gotta go finish my veggie roll

-ups for the lunch buffet.

He seems terrific.

Well, um...

Yeah, I guess you should tell me a little bit about your act, you know, and

in mind my dad's house is drafty.

My act is pretty straightforward. I just dance.

I actually studied dance for years.

Oh, well, good for you for working in your chosen field.

I'll show you. No, not necessary. Nothing a demonstration can do that a

words can't do just as well. Okay.

I'm just going to, I need to get you away from that pole because you can't

on that. My dad doesn't have a pole. So a lot of the stuff you were doing, very,

very good. But a lot of movement at the top is just a waste, waste of energy.

So I think just keep everything pretty much still, you know, just kind of a,

just completely still.

Like, well,

okay.

You okay?

You know what's sexy? Hands.

Hands. Just kind of like kind of a hand thing, but keeping everything still.

Kind of a back and forth hand.

Like that. That's it. Uh -oh. No. Okay.

Well, um... Good.

Um, again, I know that's hard to control, but try to keep yourself

still. And none of this movement either. That's not necessary.

Just complete, almost military. Just back one, two.

Good. That's perfect.

Exactly. And maybe just a little bit with your hands. And then some kind of

finish with the hands, hands, hands.

Good.

No tongue thing. Put the tongue away.

Perfect.

Perfect. Now, all right. That's great. Now, let's talk turtlenecks. Okay?

Who came up with this tradition of putting almonds into little bags?

I think the people who invented the twisty ties.

They invented bread also.

Ellen, we have a problem. What?

Your Uncle Bert's just a little under the weather.

Sounds like Uncle Bert switched to filtered cigarettes.

I went to bed early, but he stayed up drinking schnapps and watching cinnamon

dance. I understand she went home with over $100 stuffed into her turtleneck.

big lesbian thing going?

Great. Really good. Better than the salesman said it would.

Oh, hi, Ellen.

Oh, Ann Fern, hi. How are you?

Oh, Harold. Oh, I am so sorry. Look, let me find a nice corner to put him in.

Okay. Come on, hot stuff.

Let's get you some coffee.

Okay, but let's start by the champagne fountain. I don't want to lose this

Ellen.

I know this is really last minute, but you can see that your Uncle Bert is

the weather, so would you be my best lady?

Oh, Dad.

I'm honored. Of course I will, yeah.

And we don't have to discuss it now, but how much does that pay?

Thanks, Ellie.

Your dad is just the sweetest guy I have ever known.

Yeah, he's adorable.

And not just because of that little sailor hat.

Flowers are beautiful, string quartets in place, and, yo, look at that full

right where it's supposed to be. Oh, I guess Mom decided to go with a full moon

after all.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah, it's perfect.

Oh, I love this piece.

Me too.

Super tramp, right?

You know, even though this wedding was a lot of work, you have to admit that it

is very, very romantic.

It is romantic.

Oh, I wish I had what my parents have.

Hot -looking daughter?

Talking about the part where we stand up in front of everybody and tell them how

much we love each other.

What do you say, Laurie?

What are you talking about?

Getting married.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you're pregnant.

Look,

I know we've been through some rough things, and it was me who didn't want to

move so fast in the beginning, but I can't stop thinking about you every

of the day.

I only want to be with you. I don't want anything else, so... What do you say?

Lori?

Will you marry me?

You're serious?

Not often, but right now I am, yeah.

Ellen, I love you so much.

So you're saying yes?

Ellen, I'm saying no.

You know, maybe I didn't hear you right, because I'm way down here and you're

way up there, but did you just say no?

Ellen, I love you, and if I were going to marry anybody, you would be the

anybody for me, but I just can't.

Why not?

Well, because I don't believe in gay weddings.

Well, first Jerry Falwell, now you.

Well, I wish you would have mentioned that to me at some point before I got

on one knee and humiliated myself in front of all these plants.

I thought you were into this wedding stuff.

I am, for your parents. You know, but it's not as if we can just waltz down to

City Hall and get a marriage license and a blood test.

No, but we can get a gun license and a smog test, and I think with a little bit

of whiteout, we're in business.

A wedding, it just, it doesn't apply to us. It's not recognized by the state.

I don't think what I'm asking you to do is so weird.

You know, I'm just asking you to stand up so we can publicly declare our love

front of friends and family. Okay, well.

I think a ceremony would just be meaningless.

Well, maybe you're forgetting about the part where I shove cake in your face.

I don't believe this. You know, I have waited all my life to feel the way

supposed to feel when you want to marry somebody, and now I finally feel that

way, and you say no.

Okay. All right, you know what?

That's fine. If you need for me to demonstrate my love to you in some empty

ceremony that I don't believe in and that I find ridiculous, I'll do it for

Oh, great. Let's find a song and an appropriate Bible passage, shall we?

Hey, Lori.

I've been looking all over for you.

Lois needs you. She said that you're the only one who understands her hair.

Okay. Okay.

Wow.

Look at the two of you together.

You look great.

Maybe one day it'll be the two of you going down the aisle, huh?

Yeah. In a safe way.

If the state allows it.

You okay, Dad?

Friends, we are gathered today to renew a deep commitment in front of family and

loved ones. In so doing, we acknowledge a love that was truly meant to last.

And now our best man would like to say a few words.

Oh,

that's me.

What do I do? I don't know. Your Uncle Bert wanted to make a speech.

A speech?

The only speech I know is that one from the beginning of Patton.

Hi.

How's everybody doing, okay? Pretty good?

All right.

So, anybody fly in for the wedding?

Right here, a few people. Yeah. What's up with that airplane food, huh?

Yeah. It's crazy. You know, a little...

Pieces of meat have little grill marks, like we think, you know, the pilot's up

in the front with a little charcoal grill, you know, a little tiny grill in

steaks or something.

Here, read this.

The speech is on cocktail napkins?

Hey, the first draft was on a lime wedge.

Okay, all right, we're back. So, thanks for staying with us, and let me just

collect my thoughts.

And, uh...

Reject a few.

Oh, oh. Okay, here we go. Yeah, because these two wonderful people mean so much

to me. I wrote them a poem.

There once was a man named Morgan who was blessed with a very large... Okay.

We don't want to get too sentimental.

It's just... So, um... Well, um...

I guess all I really want to say is that I'm really glad that my folks are doing

this.

When two people love each other, it's so obvious, and they're just meant to be

together.

And I mean this in a nice way. You're two of a kind.

Well, the newlyweds are off. I think they're anxious to get back to their

honeymoon suite.

Yeah, it's true.

Diagnosis murder starts in 20 minutes.

Oh, honey, things couldn't have run more smoothly.

Yeah, I can't believe it went by so fast. Well, except for the part when you

Mom sang Mockingbird to each other. That seemed to last a lifetime.

You know, this is the longest I have ever stayed in an event where there was

one important to schmooze.

Bye, honey.

Congratulations. Bye.

We can never thank you two enough. Oh, well, we know how important this was to

you. Hey, for somebody who was nervous, you did a good job with those vows, Dad.

And you know the funny thing?

I never heard a word of it.

No, Harold doesn't have to say I love you to me in front of a crowd of people.

He's said it every day in every way for the last 40 years.

Those are the only vows I need from this character.

It's true, Ellie.

You know, this wedding really was kind of silly.

We were going to call it off, but you and Laurie seemed so into it.

Bye, Ellie.

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Laurie. I love you, Mom.

Bye.

How about those crazy kids? You think they're going to last?

Ellen, about earlier, I wanted to say... You don't need to say anything. We

don't need to talk about it. No, no, no, no. We do, because... Because I think

that I hurt you, and I didn't mean to.

See, I know that a lot of people feel differently about this, but... To me,

weddings are just a sad reminder of... Of what we can't really have.

That somehow our love is less legitimate because it doesn't rate a government

endorsement.

You know what? I... I would love to marry you. I would love to have just a

old wedding, but I'm gonna... I'm gonna hold out until we can have the real

thing.

That's okay. I don't think that's what I wanted anyway.

You see that?

My dad has been buttoning my mom's coat for 40 years.

And for 40 years, she's never told him she hates that top button button.

That's what I want.

That's what you have.

No ceremony could make me feel any more committed to you than I do right now.

Promise? Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

along, Uncle Bert. Uh, sorry we ran out of scotch.

I want to say something. Now listen to me.

Listen to me, dammit!

She is listening, dear.

Family is the most important thing.

Family is... Uncle Bert, I think there's booze in the limo.

Bye.