Original subtitles

Hello, I'm Linda Ellerbee. There have been a number of groundbreaking sitcoms

television over the years. I Love Lucy, All in the Family, and that one with the

little girl who looked human but turned out to be a robot.

However, I'm sure we can all agree on the place in television history held by

the show created right here on Stage 7. I am, of course, talking about Ellen.

Let's take a look.

Well, Mr. President, that sounds wonderful.

Oh, yeah, no, I'd be honored.

I got to get going. Linda Ellerby's here.

Yeah, the Linda Ellerby.

Thank you. All right.

Hey, Linda, how are you? I'm fine, Ellen. You know, on my cell phone, a

light actually lights up when you're speaking to someone.

This one's different. I see. Well, perhaps you could show us around.

Sure, I'd love to.

This, of course, is the stage.

And, you know, a lot of people don't realize this is where Lawrence of Arabia

was shot also.

The film, not the actual guy.

Really? I always thought that movie was shot in the desert.

Did I say Thorns of Arabia?

Titanic. I meant Titanic.

And this is our crew. We've been together since the beginning. We're like

here.

Tom, how's it going?

It's Dan.

How many people work on the show?

Uh, let's see. About, uh, oh, I don't know. If I had to guess, 3 ,000.

like that. Or 50, maybe. I don't know. It varies. But we're very close.

And I guess you've all gotten closer with all the controversy the show's

attracted.

talking, of course, about the episode you aired last spring.

Right, right. Well, we've always been controversial, Linda. Three years ago,

produced an all -nude episode that the network cowards won't air, although I

understand they take the tape home a lot.

No, we've been breaking new ground ever since we first aired back in 1959.

And the most famous example from that 1959 -60 season was the way the show

handled your on -screen pregnancy.

Right, yeah. Well, it was a different time.

Back then, being a mother was considered dirty.

You couldn't say the word pregnant.

No, it forced us to be quite creative.

Hey, it's not so easy getting around when you're knocked off.

When you're what? Got a bun in the oven.

The pee in the pot.

A light bulb in the refrigerator.

Oh, there's your... What happens when you're not so careful when you're

balancing the old checkbook?

Putting dressing on your salad.

Oh, revolutionizing the textile industry.

Come on, we gotta get going. We gotta grind the beans for Joe.

Gotcha.

Grinding the beans for Joe.

No, we really gotta grind the beans for Joe. For coffee at the bookstore.

Oh.

Well, I'm glad to see that you finally got the conveyor belt with chocolates

of your kitchen.

Well, there's a medical convention in Cuba, and I wanted to be able to

communicate. And they'll be so impressed that you actually took the time to

learn loud English with a fake Cuban accent.

So,

Ellen,

was being innovative always important to you? Oh, absolutely, yeah. Back to when

I first started my career, when I started out in vaudeville. Did you

to be a comic?

A comic?

No, I had a far more original plan.

I wanted to balance breakable items on a stick.

Today they call it plate spinning.

I started out spinning Waterford crystal, but the $2 ,000 admission got a

expensive for people, so I switched to the free dinnerware I got with a fill

-up. To me, spinning plates was the greatest thing a performer could do,

than eating fire.

She used to spin eight, nine plates at a time. There was no money in those days.

No signing bonuses, no heavy endorsements like Chinette.

You did it for the love of the art.

Ellen was the best plate spinner in the world.

Did you ever hear of Tommy Kirsch?

She was better than Tommy Kirsch.

But after a while, I got tired of the plate routine.

I mean, after all, there wasn't much of a challenge after I spun a full

Thanksgiving dinner on Ed Sullivan.

You mean the show?

No. I needed a new challenge, so I hitched my wagon to the next wave of

entertainment. Radio ventriloquism.

Oh, I grew up listening to Ellen and Knuckles on the radio.

I had all their albums.

I'm Not the Dummy, You're the Dummy, Look, Ma, No Splinters, and of course,

That's Not My String, But Don't Stop Pulling.

Growing up, I always wanted to act opposite my idol.

Unfortunately, I never got a chance to work with Knuckles.

But at least I get to work with someone that knows a lot of good Knuckles

stories.

Did you go to school, stupid?

Yeah, and I came out the same way.

This is funny today, as it was back then. But after a few years, the act

up. Which brings me to the question America's been asking for 50 years.

What happened?

Well, uh, you know, it's funny. Most people assume that the arguing that

Knuckles and I did was put on. But the truth is, most of that was not scripted.

We hated each other's gut.

And ultimately, Knuckles went on to host a kid's show on something new called

television.

Yeah, I remember when he told me.

I believe I was drinking a glass of water at the time.

Anyway, the handwriting was on the wall, radio was dead, and I knew what my next

move had to be.

So I headed west to the town where showbiz dreams come true.

Pelso, Nevada.

Well, it's great to be here tonight in the Parisian room.

How many people took the train in, huh?

How about that train food? Pretty bad, huh?

You're probably asking yourself, did you go to school, stupid?

Yeah, and I came out the same way.

The old act wasn't the same without Knuckles.

I needed a new partner.

Is this thing working?

Are you an audience or an oil painting?

I first saw Ellen on stage at Grossingers.

She was really something.

But to be honest with you, I never really cared much for Knuckles.

He had a cruel side and very cold eyes.

Personally, and I have no way of backing this up,

But I think he was jealous that Ellen got to eat with the guests.

Anyway, I'd been selling them knock -knock jokes for years, so when I read

Ellen was looking for a new partner, I quit the race for governor of California

and sent her a telegram.

Ladies and gentlemen, give a warm Amarillo welcome to Ellen and Dave!

So I got the lineup for today's football game. Who's the quarterback?

I don't know.

No, he's the right guard.

Deodorant? No, he's the ref. Didn't you go to school, stupid? Yes, and I came

out the same way.

I used to open for Ellen and Dave. Yeah, they had a great act. Funny people.

Gosh, we had some great times together. I don't think there was a bartender in

this country that we didn't owe money to.

Ellen could knock them back pretty good.

Anyway, Alan suggested that we go up on this water tower and moon all of

Dubuque, which we did.

It was a pretty cold night, and I unfortunately got quite a bit of

frostbite.

Am I right, Cheek here?

Solid plastic.

Anyway, what happened next really stunned me.

Oh, I hope the crowd's just good and loving. Yeah.

Okay, girls, wait in the car.

Ellen, I'm going to California and I want you to come with me.

We got a chance to be in this great new thing, Ellen.

Television. It's like radio with pictures.

It's never going to last. When they invent a machine that's like radio with

odors, call me.

Come on, we need to reach a bigger audience than this television can

In nightclubs, we reach two, three dozen people a night. Plus, they have

pretzels. Ellen, I'm going with you or without you.

So that's what it's come to.

First Knuckles, now you.

Go, then.

And good riddance.

Fine.

See you in the funny papers.

Not if I see you first.

We didn't speak for 15 years after that.

We finally got back together during the telethon.

Jerry had, uh...

Remained friends with both of us, of course, and he got us on stage, and,

I still get busy about the whole thing.

Later, when the original actor who played Joe, Mr. William Frawley, passed

Ellen gave the part to me.

So it all worked out for the best.

Still, leaving her back then was really hard on me.

After Dave broke up the act, I decided my career needed a new path.

I was going to write the great American novel.

So I holed up in a seedy motel with my underwood and began to write.

I had typed 30 pages before I realized that the keys were not in alphabetical

order. I found myself drawn to this little box in the corner.

So I curled up in it and watched television for the first time.

I was mesmerized.

I had to be a part of this fresh new medium.

Then I knew where the real art was being done.

And now, get ready to join the biggest stars of stage and screen as they

to guess who's the commie.

And your host of Who's the Commie, Ellen DeGeneres.

At first, I was a little skeptical, you know, of a broad... Excuse me, a dame

hosting a game show. But then the camera went on, and there she was, Bill Cullen

with a rack.

Good evening, and welcome to Who's the Commie? Brought to you by Millstone

Cigarettes. Now with more nicotine for extra pep.

Smooth. It was on that show that I met the actress who some years later will

play my television friend, Audrey.

Broadway's own Clea Lewis.

Mr. Contestant, or would you prefer Comrade?

Contestant is fine.

Ooh, good call. Our last week's contestant, Mr. Castro, fell for that

line, and sinker.

Now, would you rather spend a Saturday evening at the ballet or a baseball

Oh, baseball, absolutely.

Any particular team?

The Reds.

Well, Ellen?

I don't care what the name of the team is. There is no town more American than

Cincinnati. This man is as red, white, and blue as Mom's apple pie.

Well, you sound mighty confident, Clea. But are you confident enough to gamble

the freedom of our nation's children? Let's take a look at what our commie

says.

And that means you win the cash prize.

Too bad you have to divide it equally among the masses.

But it means you'll also be receiving our Who's the Commie home game so you

finger the pinko at your next party.

I love that silly show.

She'd take the whole crew out for cocktails after the broadcast.

She always had a big spread of food in the green room.

Once in a while, she'd even share some.

But then the game show scandal of 1956 hit.

I was eventually cleared of all charges.

The press found out that the people the producers were claiming to be commies

were just really generous people who liked jazz.

After I lost the game show, I hit rock bottom.

I don't want to sound like a Hollywood cliche, but I started to drink.

Mostly soft drinks.

Carbonated, flat.

Didn't matter to me as long as it had a long neck and a catchy jingle.

I first met Ellen after that big game show mess.

We were both living in an actor's hotel in Hollywood.

We would gab for hours about becoming famous actresses, and we'd walk in the

park. Occasionally, we'd date mobsters.

And then one day, I heard from this hitman that I knew that ABC was

new show called Ellen, and it struck me that Ellen might be right for this.

So I had my agent do whatever he could to get her to that audition, and he did.

Come right in.

This is your mark. You'll stand on this. It's called a mark. And then you'll do

your audition straight into that cabinet. Okay.

The character of Ellen tends to ramble a bit.

She'll say something, and then she'll back off on it, and then she'll go off

a tangent.

Why don't you see what you can do with that, okay? Excuse me. I just brought...

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

This is a bologna sandwich. I thought maybe you'd enjoy that, because that's

such a funny luncheon meat.

Bologna. Bologna. I was going to make you some chicken salad, because that's

funny, too. K.

Chicken. Chicken. Anything.

K. Chicken. Chicken. Funny. And I thought I would make you that, but we

have any. But anyway, that's a funny sandwich, though, or BLT.

Bult. Bult. I'd have a blue... Only sandwich not funny?

Meatloaf. Not funny.

It's a loaf. Funny. Very funny. If you'd see... Hey, meatloaf.

But a meatloaf put up between bread?

Not... Good luck.

The character of Ellen tends to ramble a bit. You know.

I don't have to tell you.

Ellen auditions. Take one.

Hi. I'd like to return this sweater.

It's not that I don't like it. I mean, it's a perfectly nice sweater.

It's just, well, it doesn't fit.

I'm not fat.

I mean, not that there's anything wrong with being fat. I mean, you look great.

I mean, not that you're fat.

You know what?

I'll just keep the sweater.

That was really good.

Ellen auditions, take 28.

Hi, I'd like to return this sweater. It's not that I don't like the sweater.

sorry, can I just ask you one quick question? The sweater that she's

it's not blue, is it? Because in my mind, the character would really like

so... Ellen Auditions, take 35.

Hi, I'd like to return this sweater.

I really like the sweater. It's not that I don't like the sweater, but I just

really think that...

It's... Cut.

Let's just stop here.

Does this character have to be so soft?

Hi, I'd like to return this sweat... I'm sorry, this is where I bring it up. I

wrote this kind of bio for the Ellen Morgan character. In fact, it's some

that you might find useful. For example, in my mind, Ellen is sort of a cross

between Scarlett O 'Hara and one of the Stooges.

You know, that cute one.

And I think she's got like an aunt and an uncle somewhere in Detroit that she's

very close with. Her favorite flower is... Ellen auditions. Take 42.

Just, just, just one second.

Okay.

Hi.

I'd like to return this sweater.

It's not that I don't like it. It's a very nice sweater.

It's just, well, it doesn't fit.

Hey!

Lady!

Look here.

I'm returning this sweater whether you like it or not.

Okay? And I want my money back with interest.

I don't owe you any explanation. It's my money. Just take it.

Thank you.

See what I'm saying?

It's blue.

It's not blue. Who cares?

We're a black and white show.

Oh.

All right. All right, fine.

Okay. And you know what?

Green would have been fine, too.

Actually, no, no, no, no, no. She hates green. It's like a bad childhood memory.

Do you want to write any of this down?

Next!

What?

I'm sorry. Oh.

God, I am so sorry. It's just, I didn't mean to get so carried away. It's just,

well, this script has just so touched me so deeply. I mean, it so completely

captures, you know, that feeling of impotence and alienation that we all

modern society.

Those unfeeling, impersonal encounters that we're all forced to endure day

miserable day on this wretched, numbing planet. Sir, this is the greatest drama

I have ever read.

It's a comedy.

Oh. Well, I didn't actually read the whole thing. Do you think I could just

outside just for a second?

Would that be... Sorry.

Ellen auditions, take 46.

And... Action!

Well, Wilbur, it's almost time for my big race.

Good thing I'm wearing my lucky horseshoes.

Um, excuse me. Let me finish.

Say, look at that filly over there.

That's quite a ponytail.

Maybe I'll ask her out, strap on the old feet.

I'm sorry. It's just that I think you have the wrong script.

My agent sent me this script.

He wouldn't send me the wrong script.

They're auditioning Mr. Ed down the hall.

By the way, watch where you step out there.

Look, I've been working really hard on this material all night. At least let me

do the part where I count with my hoof.

I mean, I'm an actor. Why can't I do this role?

It's a horse.

When you win the Preakness, come on back.

Okay, fine. Give me the other script. I just, I need some water. I've been

tossing oats all morning getting ready for this.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The crew from that Esther Williams movie keeps stealing the stuff.

Just a jiffy.

Okay. Yeah. All right. Uh -huh. I get it. I get it.

I turn you down for one date and you give me this crap?

You go to hell, Alan Funt.

This is her.

This is our Alan.

What do you mean? Look at her. She's a natural comedian.

And I should know. I discovered Betty Granville.

What's your name, honey?

Alan. Alan.

Yeah. How'd you like to star in your own sitcom?

Well, I told the temp agency I'd be available through the end of the week,

after that... Sure. Every audition, same stinking thing happens.

Congratulations.

Honey?