Original subtitles

I've got to find Lori the perfect gift.

Oh, it's simple.

Here, just conjure Lori up in your mind.

Think about her essence as a person.

What is something that you know about her that comes from her soul?

She likes waffles.

I can't believe you're doing this. You know what you should give your partner

your one -month anniversary?

A puzzled look.

You and Laura are moving way too fast. No, we're not.

Yeah, you are.

No, you know what? I was going to get her to listen to this.

I was going to put a bow on my head and give her me.

But then that idea sounds clever until you're sitting in a restaurant with a

on your head.

Or a hat.

Ellen, please.

You need to concentrate to find the perfect gift.

Remember, this symbolizes how you view the relationship.

You don't want to make a big statement here. You two have practically just

started going out.

Yeah, that's true. I don't want to get her anything too big. I mean, if I give

her a Fabergé egg, she's going to feel guilty if she got me Skittles.

Although I love Skittles.

I hope she got me Skittles.

Oh, Ellen, you and Laurie are so cute together.

I think it's so super that she's looking for a house in your neighborhood.

She's looking for a house in your neighborhood?

Yeah, she put an offer on a house two streets over. I hope she gets it.

I'll miss that old crack house.

Ellie, you have to stop her. If you can't stop her, move out. Having your

girlfriend live nearby, that's just madness.

If Lori does this, then your life will become hell. A closely supervised,

tightly monitored hell.

Is that what you want?

The structure sounds nice.

There it is.

Here, Ellie, look.

A charm bracelet.

It's perfect. You give her a bracelet with one charm on it, and then every

you can give her a new one.

Then I can get her a charm necklace and a charm belt. That's great. Before you

know it, you have your own personalized Mr. T.

if you mock me, but it breaks my heart if you diss one of our most beloved TV

icons.

Okay. All right. Okay. It's okay. No, this is a good idea, really. And you

what? I have an idea for the first charm. Oh, a heart. No, a waffle.

I'm sorry, I'm late. Nah, don't worry about it. Oh, good, I've got more

I'll be back.

Hey, you know, while we were waiting, two guys drove by and they checked us

Oh. Yeah, well, you know, I was very flattered.

Twelve -year -old boy and his grandfather.

Oh.

Oh, could I watch the TV? Thanks.

Whoa.

All right, just don't be flicking around, because you never know what's

Oh, come on. I'm sure if there's something objectionable on, there'll be

warning.

Hey, if I get that house I made an offer on next time, we can do laundry at my

place. Oh, boy, good, because then it'll be fun.

Any word on that yet?

No, I'm supposed to hear today.

It's a great house, isn't it? Yeah, it is. It's great.

You know, that upstairs room would make such a good office for me, and the big

backyard is perfect for Holly to play in. Well, if she ever ventures out into

the sunlight.

I just... I just hope my bid was high enough.

Oh, I'm sure it is. And if not, you can come to me. I'll lend you ten bucks. You

resubmit.

Ellen, I want to ask you something. What? And I want you to be honest with

okay? Is it going to be weird if I live so close by?

No, are you kidding? It's going to be great.

You sure?

Yes, yes. Although, if your softball comes into my yard, it's mine.

Uh, Ellen, your dad just pulled up. I guess I'm out of here. Okay. Hey, you

you don't mind spending the day with my dad?

Oh, no, it's fun.

It's like he's the perfect retro dad.

Hey, no, you know when it's really light? It's like it came out of those

sitcoms on Nick at Night.

Yeah, he's the original Mr. Ed.

Yeah, if you rub peanut butter on his gums, it looks like he's actually

Hi, Gramps.

Hey, Knuckle Bunny. Hi, Yelly. Hi, Laurie. So, uh, so what's on the agenda

tonight for Gramps and Knuckle Bunny? Well, my miniature train store is having

sale on tiny rocks.

So I thought we would start there.

and then next door there just happens to be a skee -ball arcade.

What, are we nuts? Come on, let's go.

Hey, not easy action.

I haven't told you about our plans for tonight. We have reservations at

Francisco's. Oh, that's a marvelous place. You know, Lois and I were there

night she went into labor with Ellen. But I will never forget that night. I

lamb chops.

So what's the occasion?

It's our one -month anniversary.

Couldn't you just barf?

They're so sappy, they even got each other gifts.

And if you tell her what it is, you're grounded until prom, which I will drive

you to in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

Have one of those? Cool.

Hey, have fun.

And mind Harold, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, and no matter what that note from the teacher says, she is not allowed to

drive the car.

So, um, you want to exchange gifts now at the restaurant?

Oh, no, at the restaurant. Let's wait. I don't want to give you the gift on an

empty stomach.

Oh, there, I'm giving it away.

I got you medication.

Ah.

Hello?

Yeah.

Oh.

Uh... No, that's okay, that's good. Thank you very much for calling.

All right, bye.

Oh.

You lost the house?

Yeah. Oh, it's no big deal. It's just a house, right?

Yeah, but I know you really wanted it.

Okay, so it wasn't meant to be.

You know, maybe something even better is coming up real soon.

Yeah, right.

And we have time before we go to the restaurant, so what do you say we, um...

Oh. Oh, yeah, finish the laundry? Oh, I am there, baby.

It looks so nice. Oh, thanks.

You know, I was going to wear that green blouse of yours, but it didn't go with

your blue pants.

Sorry, some of your stuff got mixed up with Holly's and my laundry.

Oh, that explains the training bras.

These things are tight.

I'll pick my stuff up tonight.

No, you don't have to pick it up, because I cleaned out a drawer in my

for you.

You did? Mm -hmm.

Wow, well, that's exciting. My clothes have never been to sleepaway camp

Yeah, well, just... Think of how much happier they would have been in a three

-bedroom Mediterranean with a stone fireplace.

God, I wanted that house.

I know, I know you did, but come on, who needs a fireplace? I love making out

with you in front of the radiator.

I'm just disappointed.

I know, but I'm going to cure that right now.

Presents.

Come on, where's mine?

You've been spending too much time with Holly. Here, you first. No, you first.

You first. You first. You first.

Happy anniversary.

Tickets to rent?

I've been dying to see this. What?

They're for April.

Well, I hope that's okay. I mean, you don't have any plans for four months

now, do you? Oh, no, no.

I mean, I may have a dental cleaning, but I'm sure it's in the morning.

That's as soon as I could get them, and I was afraid it's a little presumptuous

to get you something so far in the future.

April's not the future.

You know what the future is?

The children of today.

Thank you. Open mine.

Oh, my gosh.

It is so cute. I love it. Let me put it on you. All right.

What's this?

It's the key to my house.

Mi casa es su casa.

Oh, come on. It's not that breathtaking. I know they're shiny like that when

they're new, but you'd be surprised how inexpensive keys are.

I can't believe this. I mean, I'm...

I was afraid that you were going to freak out that I bought you tickets four

months in advance. And here, here you are asking me to move in with you.

Oh, my. Ellen, I love it.

I love you. Well, right back at you.

I'm shocked.

It's wonderful.

It's absolutely wonderful. I'm just, I'm shocked.

Well, ten times better than getting that stupid heart.

I'm going to have to talk to Holly about it, but I cannot believe that she's not

going to take it. It's just the greatest thing. Okay. Well, listen, just there's

a little, I guess a tiny misunderstanding that we should clear

I gave you the key, not, I didn't, I'm not asking you to move in. I gave you

key because I didn't want you to stand outside if I'm late. You know, El Nino,

that's, you know.

I didn't even know that you'd want to move in. I mean, we could talk about

No, no, no, no, no.

Of course not. It's lovely. It is a lovely bracelet.

Thanks.

It's a funny story about when I bought it. I wanted to get you a waffle charm

because I know you love waffles, so I thought that would be cute. They don't

make waffle charms. I don't know why.

So I got you a little book charm.

It looks like a waffle, and for all you know, it could be a book about waffles.

It's lovely.

Boy, I'm sorry about the key. No, you know what? Could we not talk about it,

because I feel stupid enough.

Okay.

This looks like a good salad, huh?

There's iceberg lettuce. I like iceberg. Some people like romaine better,

because it's a darker, greeny leaf, and I actually like... You know what, Ellen?

Ellen, tell me something. What?

What is so crazy about the idea of us living together?

Obviously, you've never seen a little program called Laverne and Shirley.

Just a joke.

Nothing, you know, nothing's crazy about it. And it's something that, you know,

that we could talk about, you know, some day, you know.

Some day.

That's noncommittal.

Well, we've been seeing each other a month.

Yeah, and it's been a great month, and based on that month, I'd like to know

where we're headed.

And we have to talk about moving in together to know that? No, you know

don't have to talk about anything.

You're not ready? End of discussion.

Spence just moved out. I have never lived alone. I like the way things are

now. Me and Holly living halfway across town.

I didn't say that. Now you're putting words in my mouth. You know what? I...

I cannot afford to play this fast and loose, all right? I am a grown woman.

got a child to consider. I am not just going to jump from one relationship to

another, bringing new people into her life.

Okay, now it sounds like you're using Holly to force this issue.

Uh -uh, I am not.

Look, this is very new to me. You know, I love you.

I love you. I cannot make that kind of commitment right now.

No.

Oh, boy, I've been down this road before. You know, when Karen walked out

she broke Holly's heart. I'm not going to do it again. I'm not going to do that

to either one of us.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. I cannot apologize about all your past

relationships, but it's not fair to me. I'm not Karen.

No, all right, you know what? I'm sorry. It's my mistake.

Okay, the key, relationship, one mistake after another. Will you excuse me?

Spence, did you check out this performance artist show? She does the

in the nude. Wow, is it really good?

Spence, nude doesn't have to be good.

Nude just has to be nude.

Hey, any messages?

What makes you think I was checking messages?

No.

Well, why don't you just call Lori and apologize?

For what? I didn't do anything wrong.

When does that matter? Women always expect an apology.

Hey, I'm a woman.

Sorry. It's all right.

See?

I think you're doing the right thing about Lori. If she wants to, let her

It's so frustrating.

I mean, you know, we have this great thing going. I would like to continue it

going. She wants to jump to this next level. I feel like I'm dating Super

See, you know, you shouldn't tie yourself down. You should be out there

chicks and breaking hearts.

I don't have a plan on expense. I just have to buy that customized van first.

Look at that. This town is full of beautiful women.

And I know from personal experience that many of them happen to be lesbians.

What if she's the right one for me? I mean, I'm just blowing it because I'm

scared. How do you know she's the right one? You have nothing to compare it to.

You've got to get out there. Something great could be right around the corner.

You're talking about that house full of flight attendants on Fletcher. I think

this is a pipe dream for both of us.

It's the perfect time to break up with her. She walked out.

She's the bad guy.

I don't want her to be the bad guy. I don't want to break up with her. I love

her. I know, I know, but we can work around that.

Spence, thanks for helping clear things up. I'm going to call her. Okay, be

tough with her, but let her down easy.

I mean, really, relationships are hard work, you know? You never know. Until I

get the chance, I'm never going to know.

Well, that's exactly opposite of the advice I gave you. I know. Like I said,

thanks for clearing things up.

Hi.

Hi.

Thanks for coming over.

Hey, can I get you something to drink? I have beer, I have wine, and I have a

mystery drink that was on sale at the liquor store because they lost the

No, thanks.

No? Okay.

So, I wanted to talk about what happened last night. Yeah, I did too. I'm really

sorry that I flew off the handle like that.

Yeah, and I'm sorry I got so defensive.

And I'm sorry I didn't tip the waiter, but you had all the money.

I just felt like such a fool with the key thing and everything, and I was

already disappointed about losing the house. I know, so that's what I wanted

talk about.

I've been thinking about the whole moving in thing, and if you want to move

in...

I want you to move in.

Because I just, I want you to be happy.

And then, then you'd be happy, and then I'd be happy, because you're happy, and

then we'd both be happy, and... So, Laurie, do you want to move in with me?

Huh? Come on, pretty good news.

Ellen, I can't move in with you.

Sure you can. It's what we've been talking about. Ellen, you're just doing

because you're afraid of losing me.

Yeah, and I'd like to think you're afraid of losing me. I am, believe me.

Come on.

Then let's do it.

It's scary, I know, I'm scared, but let's just take a deep breath and jump

the cliff like Bush and Sundance, you know?

I'm pretty sure there were a couple, too.

Ellen, living together shouldn't be like jumping off a cliff. It's something

that you do with your eyes wide open.

I got you theater tickets for April. If we break up, all that means is I return

the tickets for a refund.

Well, technically, I would return them for the refund.

He gave them to me. But anyway, make your point. Well, if we're living

and things don't work out, it's not exactly like theater tickets. It's a

more complicated.

I know. Holly. I know. I love Holly. Oh, no, no. Well, no. She loves you, too.

But, you know, you move within. It's an instant family. Are you really ready to

commit to being there, you know, until she graduates from college?

Yes. That's usually a Saturday, right?

The point is that it's a big responsibility, and is that really what

now? I mean, you've just come out. The whole world is open to you.

Yes.

I mean, I think so. Yes.

Yes.

You've got to be sure, Ellen.

Come on. Who's ever sure of anything?

You're asking a lot from me. Yeah, because I want a lot from you.

I mean, tell me something. If the thing with the key hadn't happened, would you

be asking me to move in?

No, but the thing with the key did happen, so we're talking about it.

There you go.

Okay, but so let's just, okay, okay, let's just leave things the way they

and let's just, you know, just figure this thing out, you know, one day at a

time. No, 15 years ago, I would have taken you up on that, but...

We're just in different places now. I think that it's a good idea for us to

some time off.

I don't want to take time off.

Well, Ellen, if this thing between us is going to happen, then it will.

Okay, so... I'm going to give you that.

You can keep it.

I'll just change the locks.

Well, I'll get the...

The rent tickets. No, they're for you. If you're not seeing someone in four

months, just take a friend.

You're the first one I'll call.

Oh, gee, Ellie.

I'm real sorry this happened.

Thanks.

I've never felt like this about a breakup before.

You know, I just have to keep telling myself that Laurie and I are in two

different places.

And my place is a lonely place with a constant sound of weeping.

You know, people keep telling me that this is all for the best, that someday

I'll look back and...

You know, maybe a long time from now I'll feel that way, too. I don't know.

Maybe you will.

Yeah, maybe. But for now, I don't see why I can't just beat those people with

sticks.

You know, I remember I gave your brother a pep talk the first time he broke up

with a woman.

Wish I could remember what I said.

Sure never thought I'd have to dust that speech off again.

You know, I may not have said so, but I really liked Laurie.

And that little knuckle buddy.

Who got their heart broken here, me or you?

I'm sorry, Ellie. It's just that what with Stevie not wanting any kids and you

being gay, I'm afraid I'm never going to get to be a grandpa.

It's just because I'm gay doesn't mean I can't be a mom.

I know that, honey.

Hey, Dad.

I'm pregnant.

I'm kidding. You just look so sad. I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Come on, you're going to be a great grandpa, and you never know, you know.

There'll be kids someday, huh?

I read in People magazine about that 62 -year -old Italian lady who gave birth.

So maybe there's still hope for you.

Hey, is she single?

You know, Ellie, what might make us feel a lot better?

Why don't we go get some ice cream?

Good idea. That cord I finished off this morning did not stick.

Hey, Ellie, Ellie, what was that chant we used to have about ice cream?

Um, ice cream, you scream, we all scream. No, no, no, that was the one we

for pie.

Now, I could swear that this one had hey diddle diddle in it.