Original subtitles

Pretty impressive resume.

Graduated Larvard.

I bet you'll kick ass in that big game against Dale.

Aren't you nervous?

No, no. With my training and skills, I'm sure I'm exactly what they're looking

for. What is the job again?

You don't know?

No, no. But I hope it involves monkeys.

I'm kidding. I'm just trying not to get my hopes up.

Be pessimistic. That's my motto.

I'd like to get another one, but what are the chances of that?

Here you go, sweetheart.

Chuck Chapman.

Chuck Chapman sports chat.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Chuck Chapman.

Chuck Chapman sports chat.

That's me and the pen when you get home tonight.

Turn it upside down.

Oh, wow, your pant leg rolls up.

Pure sexy.

I hope you're here for the producer's job.

Actually, no, I'm here to replace Chuck Chapman. What's your name?

Ellen Morgan.

Here goes nothing.

Hey, good luck.

I'll be room for you. Yeah, you and all my friends at Visa.

Okay, well, I guess we should make this quick. I don't know anything about the

radio. I don't even listen to it. If it takes me away from my knitting, I

couldn't be bothered, but I'm a quick learner. You're hired.

Really? Well, don't you want to look at my application? I spent a lot of time

making that stuff up.

Um, you know what, Ellen? I have got a feeling about you, and that feeling is I

really don't want to have to see anyone else today.

I'm not very good at this part of my job, you know, dealing with people.

You're friendly, though, and outgoing, and, you know, some people seem to like

that.

But what about all the other applicants? There's a larboard man out there.

I'm sort of hoping you just take the job and make them all, you know, go away.

Well, wow, if this is happening so fast, I don't... It pays $40 ,000 to start

with full benefits.

Okay, everybody out. You don't have to go home, but just don't stay here.

on with Chuck, so please don't suck.

Talk to me.

Yeah, hi, Chuck. I'm a big Chicago Bears fan, and I just wanted to ask you...

The Bears?

Oh, man, are you nuts?

These guys are the fairy tale. Goaty locks would eat all their porridge and

spank them with their own spoon.

I'm nuking you.

Bye -bye, baby.

We'll be right back after the network geek reads the news.

You're in charge of all the on -air talent.

Now, be tough. Don't let them push you around, especially Chuck.

Who likes his coffee extra strong and extra sweet?

Like I like my producers.

Hey! Congratulations, Ellen!

Welcome to KPOV!

Oh.

It's like the Fourth of July in a really poor country where the date doesn't

mean anything.

You know, I had a dream about you last night. Of course you were.

Wearing something completely different.

Really? Was I wearing a law book open to the sexual harassment section?

No.

You were wearing... this!

Oh, look. You're now officially a Chuket.

Really? Well, that's just what I'm going to do with it when I get home.

Well, thank you. That's very sweet. Every time I wear it, I'll think of you

Jean Shallot.

Actually, I've been told I look more like Hugh Grant.

I don't know. I'd have to see you without the mustache or Hugh Grant

kitten.

You're a feisty one.

How about you and me slipping away for a little lunch?

Well, that's very flattering, but I'm seeing someone.

Yeah, but why settle for hamburger when you can have brown chuck?

Well, the truth is I don't date...

People with facial hair.

Okay, but you should know, I never give up.

No, never.

He doesn't really mean anything by it.

It's just a natural -born flirt, that's all.

Well, hey, me too. The janitor's butt didn't pinch itself this morning.

I just think it's a little inappropriate.

Well, it's not as bad as it used to be. At least he took the little mirrors off

his shoes.

I just think you should talk to him.

Ellen, you're in charge.

It's a big part of your job to iron out these little employee conflicts.

I wonder if that ironing could take the form of a good whooping.

I warned you.

I don't give up easy.

So, now what do you think?

I think you're going to have to shave your shirt.

So this Chuck guy won't stop coming on to me.

Well, is he in a position of authority? Because that's worth big bucks.

The world is just one big oyster to you, isn't it, Paige?

Sounds pretty rough.

Why don't you and I both quit our jobs? Joe, for the last time, we are not going

to raise rabbits and live off the fat of the land.

Starting to like the job and the money's great.

Why don't you just tell him you're gay? I must get that 20, 30 times a week.

Why should I have to do that? Paige, you don't have to tell people at work

you're straight.

Luckily, my reputation precedes me.

I'm tired of having to out myself everywhere I go. I'd like at least one

that I could just be Ellen instead of the lesbian formerly known as Ellen.

This problem with Chuck would just go away. Just go away?

Nothing easier.

I know a guy. Joe.

Enough said.

We need never speak of this again.

Sure, he'll whack a guy, try to get a sweet and low out of him.

You know, there is an easy solution to your problem with this Chuck guy.

Just tell him to get lost. Be a bitch.

That's good. That's good.

Or what if I were friendly with a slightly sarcastic edge that would grate

him over time?

You can do this.

Be blunt. Be direct. I have done it to like a hundred guys, and only one has

jumped off a bridge.

Gotta like them odds.

Excuse me, do you have an extra napkin?

We'll be right back with more sports chat.

Pacific Coast Highway is a mess.

Big truck full of instant soup tipped over.

Ditches are full of chowder.

Where's Julie?

She's stuck in traffic.

Looks like it's just you and me, beautiful.

But she did mention that I should give you a quick rundown on how to work

in the booth.

Okay.

But I'm not going to toggle anything I don't recognize.

Welcome to the nerve.

Have a seat.

This is where I work my radio magic.

You know, actually, the scientists are almost certain it's not really magic.

Some new theory about radio waves.

Now, the most important thing to remember is this.

The commercial.

You just slip it in here.

And then you push this button.

Now, for a special effect, you want to push that button there.

Okay,

I was going to wait until you got to my favorite part, but I'd like it to stay

my favorite part.

This thing, this us thing, it's never going to happen.

Hey, look at the time.

It's never o 'clock.

Okay, I... I hate to have to hit you over the head with this, but I have to

because I don't have anything to really hit you over the head with.

I know you think you're a big star and I should fawn all over you, but the truth

is, I'm not interested.

If the world were destroyed and you were the last man within a thousand mile

radius, I would swim across the ocean on a rumor that Screech from Saved by the

Bell was spotted in Japan.

But we can still be friends, though.

Chuck?

Chuck, we're on the air.

Chuck?

Chuck? Chuck?

Chuck?

Chuck?

Hello?

Uh, no, no, he, um...

like designated hitter.

Well, you have a lovely voice, too, sir.

Hello,

people of Los Angeles.

Sam,

can you say God on radio?

We've got a caller.

Let's see. There.

Hi. This is Chuck Chapman with a word about your prostate.

Well, that sound like it's right up Chuck's alley.

Let's see.

Caller one.

You're on the air. Please limit your comment to as long as you want to talk.

Okay. Here's my question. There's a minute 20 on the clock. You're down

and you score a TD.

Do you take the easy point and kick it into OT, or do you take the chance and

for chicken?

Hello?

Hello? Oh, darn, we got disconnected.

Must be the rain.

But in answer to the caller's question, I believe it's obvious.

So, oh, look at the time. We will be right back after a word from our lovely

sponsors, Sheffield's frozen peas.

were harmed in the making of that commercial.

Hello?

Moscow?

Ellen, it's Julie.

Why isn't Chuck on the air?

Hmm? Well, he left. We were talking about how I would never be interested in

him, ever, and somehow he twisted that into something negative.

Why didn't you just lie?

Couldn't you tell him you're gay or something?

Gay, that's a good one. Listen, Julie, I could use some help here.

I'm sorry, I'm caught in traffic.

It may be a while before anybody can get into the station.

Well, don't you have an emergency DJ? Somebody with a deep voice hidden in a

drawer?

Ellen, just call Chuck and apologize to him. Why should I apologize?

I'm not the one who called him beautiful.

Then you're stuck until I can get there. Just follow the formats. You've only

got a few more hours of sports.

Well, let's see. I guess I could, uh... I could tell the story of my encounter

with soccer -grade Pele.

Although I swore I would never reveal what the Brazilian moon witnessed that

night.

Ellen, you're back on the air.

That's right. If it's not peas...

Certainly not Sheffield's frozen peas.

So, well, let's take another caller, shall we?

Yes, caller, you're on the air. Maybe. Hey, where's Chuck?

I want to talk to Chuck.

Chuck is at an opening of a mall in Pasadena.

He's buying socks.

Ba -dum -bum.

I'm kidding. He's selling socks. Ba -dum -bum again.

Hello, color.

Let me take you back to soccer field in Brazil, 1982.

World Cup fever, and I got it bad.

Some people think it's so you don't get them mixed up.

Personally, I think it's just to make the game more festive.

But I want to know what you think.

Why are miniature golf balls colored?

Got some open phone lines.

Hey, ski season's here.

Which do you prefer, snow or water?

I prefer snow, although it's a little hard on my boat.

Okay, Santa Monica, your lines are open.

Brentwood, Westwood, Hollywood.

All the woods.

Hey, how about that Tiger Woods, huh? Boy, everybody likes him, don't they?

Not me. Hate him. Hate his guts.

I don't even think he's a good golfer.

Call me crazy.

But call me, please.

Hey, I've got a call.

Caller one, go ahead.

How the heck can you say something like that about Tiger Woods?

Tiger Woods is a genius.

Why? Because he can hit a ball with a stick?

Come on, it's not like he invented novocaine or something.

I think he's a genius.

Yeah, well, that's because you're an idiot.

Stop wasting my time and go back to your highlights magazine.

Hey, it's time for some more words from the peep people.

All you're saying is give peas a chance.

Julie, is that you? It's been four hours. Where have you been?

I'm stuck on Pacific Coast Highway. We're having a little problem with

mudslides. Are you okay?

Well, that depends on how much oxygen I've got trapped in my car.

Ellen, what the hell are you doing?

You can't go on air.

and insult a national hero like Tiger Woods.

Hey, I love Tiger. He's great.

I'm just trying to get people to call in. I haven't had a call in hours.

Except for that guy that called to ask if my name was Boris to tears.

Here's an idea, Ellen. Why don't you bring up an interesting topic and then

an intelligent conversation about it?

I gotta go. The people are almost done singing about the piece.

All righty, then. We've got some open phone lines. Remember, the lines, the

numbers are 5550157.

That's 55501.

Crot.

Call me up, Los Angeles. Tell me what's on your minds.

Your empty minds.

Your empty, feeble, pathetic, peanut -sized minds.

Come on, losers, call me before I get abusive.

All right, line one. Bub, you're on the air first.

No, this is Terry.

No, on my show, you're Bub. Got it?

But I don't want to be Bub.

Oh, let me check my do -I -give -a -damn meter.

Nope. So long, sucker.

Talk to me, Los Angeles. Felony hit and run. I'm for it. How about you?

When you're right, Ellen, you're right.

I'm right, and that's why you're my sidekick.

Alice?

You know, Ellen, I read in the Times that this year Americans donated over

billion to cure diseases.

Ah, people, people, people. Do we really want to cure disease?

Come on, without disease and pestilence thinning out the herd, it would take a

hell of a lot longer to get home every evening, huh?

Hey, speaking of herds, anybody out there ever hit a cow?

Anybody want to?

I've got a Holstein right now clogging my wheel well.

Scholar, go ahead.

I've been on hold for 20 minutes, and I'm... Please hold.

Go ahead, Scholar.

Hey, I don't like what you said about curing diseases.

My grandmother died of a disease, and I think it's... Oh, I'm sorry.

In memory of your grandmother, I'll drive all the way home with my turn

on.

Hey, hey, lady, just in case the wizard only has one, you might want to push in

front of the scarecrow.

Ellen Inez Morgan.

Mom?

You know, I didn't want to believe your grandmother when she told me what you

were saying on the radio.

Grandma was listening?

No, she called in, and you told her she was overfed and under -read.

That sounds kind of mean, but, Mom, come on. It's Grandma we're talking about.

KPOV. Yeah.

That's Ellen Morgan. She's filling in for us for the day.

Yes, sir.

I'll make note of your complaint.

Okay.

KPOV.

Ellen Morgan.

Sir.

Sir, there is really no need for that kind of language.

Oh, that's what she said.

My, my, that was salty.

Yes, I'll make a note of your complaint.

Thank you for calling.

Um, before you fire me, can I throw myself down the stairs so I can get

workman's comm?

I'm not going to fire you, Ellen.

Look at these phones.

There are things lighting up here I thought were just decorative bumps.

You mean you want me on the air?

Congratulations.

The people love your cruelty.

That's what I tried to tell my Sunday school teachers, but they were like,

golden rule this, golden rule that.

Her disease must continue.

Okay, let's talk Los Angeles. Stray dogs, hungry people. The solution seems

obvious.

Okay, we have one more hour left in our Win a Date with Chuck contest.

We'll be going to Stu's Clam House, now reopened and certified safe.

This deluxe prize going out to caller number four.

The radio station will be picking up the tab, so you can order anything on the

menu, except, of course, for the lobster, which is still illegal.

All this for caller number three.

I mean, caller number one.

Hello? Female caller number one.

You know, you don't have to spend the whole evening with me.

With no salad, you could be home safely by nine.

All this for the first lucky lady who calls me.

All right, the first lucky lady that I call.

Hi, Aunt Judy.

What are you doing, Barney?