Original subtitles

Don't worry about the dog, Dad. Peter lives a block away. He said he doesn't

mind coming over to walk it. Well, don't forget, he gets one biscuit a day.

Ooh, I told Peter the deal was $10.

Hey, Ellie, thanks a lot for helping out. Knowing that everything is fine

on the home front, your mother and I are really going to enjoy this cruise.

Oh, this is so exciting.

It'll be like reliving your father's Coast Guard days.

Oh, well, leave it to you two to take an ordinary cruise and turn it into

something romantic.

You know, Allie, you're the one that's really responsible for us being able to

take this trip. That's right. We're using the money we were saving for your

wedding.

I guess that's fair. I bought a hat with the money I was saving for your

funerals.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Peter, how are you?

Hey, boy.

Now, now, now, look who's here. This is Peter. This is Ellen's gay man friend.

Don't worry. If you throw the tennis ball for him, I don't think sexuality is

issue.

You like dogs, don't you, Peter?

Well, I'm actually more used to cats.

But what is a dog really but a cat without the Faye Dunaway attitude?

Hello, little fella.

He likes you.

He's purring. That's good.

So, how was school today?

Oh, I didn't go. You're going to have to write me another note.

How about you, Holly? How was school for you?

Science was okay.

Hey, you know how cool a frog is on the outside? You should see how cool it is

on the inside.

Dispecting frogs in seventh grade is what turned me into a vegetarian.

Yeah, me too.

Well, not all at once. At first, I just swore off amphibians.

You two are holding hands under the table again, aren't you?

No. If you must know, I'm taking your mother's pulse.

I'm just... Uh -oh. You had a double cappuccino at lunch today, didn't you?

want another ting -tao.

I gotta go study.

All right, remember to show your work.

Oh, oh, Helen.

You gotta hear this.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I drank so many flu and creams to this song.

Do you remember when this looked cool?

What do you mean it looked cool? Come on, huh? That's good still.

Hey! Oh, you're good?

You know, I was a body double in that movie Flashdance.

It was the welding scene, but still, I thought I was pretty good at it.

Hey!

Sorry, guys, I forgot. My homework is to watch a documentary about the stupid,

boring, pointless American Revolution.

There was a revolution? How come I'm still paying T -tax?

Revolution.

Volume 1.

The Growing Storm.

You know, we don't have to watch this. All you need to know is men at men good,

red coats bad.

And Ethan Allen makes furniture.

I could kill my history teacher.

Not without an airtight plan. Why don't you go to the bedroom and start

brainstorming?

Break time.

Oh, thank God. I don't know how much longer I could pretend I was doing

something.

Hey, Al, how come your chick's not over here helping us?

She's not my chick.

No? She's my babe.

She's at Holly's soccer game.

She still got that kid?

Yeah, you know, she tried to trade her for some magic beans, but then child

welfare got involved.

So, what do you and Laurie do when you want to be alone? Play hide -and -seek

and then count to a million?

You know, you should do what my mom did when she had a date.

She would have me spend the night with my grandmother or some old woman that

just met at the tavern.

Ellen, I would be happy to babysit any time.

I have a Malibu Beach Barbie and an Easy -Bake oven.

Well, that explains my tiny birthday cake.

Now, Holly's not a problem. She's going on a ski trip this weekend, and I'm

planning a surprise romantic weekend with Lori and I.

Ooh.

Details, please.

Well, uh... Thanks. It's just going to be, you know, the two of us. We're going

to be alone.

You know what I mean.

Don't make me wink.

Anyway, candles, you know, champagne, and Edith Piaf.

If she's not available, I'll get some CDs.

I just want it to be very memorable. You know, everything has to be perfect.

Wait a minute. Are you saying this is the first time you two are going to do

this? And by this, I mean, you know.

Yeah, so what?

So is this the first time that you're going to be with Lori or the first time

you're going to be with any woman?

Oh, I get it, I get it. Things you ask your cousin that are really none of your

business. That's the game?

You know what? I respect if Ellen doesn't want to discuss her sex life

just as she respects that I don't want to hear about it.

Good, because I don't want to talk about it. Good. Wait, this is a big deal.

Oh, Ellen, you're first.

You always remember you're first.

I remember my first.

Yeah, I remember, too. I was in the front seat.

It's not like I haven't had sex before. I've had sex.

No, now, this is different. See, women see sex differently than guys. I mean,

they take it seriously.

Aren't you a little bit intimidated?

No. No, because Laurie is kind and wonderful and giving and experienced.

I mean, wasn't she with this Karen woman for, like, ever?

She probably did everything in the book.

There's a book?

Please! Ellen is under enough pressure without you bringing up her complete

of knowledge in the art of female pleasuring.

You know what? Maybe her standards aren't so high.

Maybe this Karen was not such a great lover. I mean, did she ever mention

anything like that?

I wonder if that book comes on tape.

Hi. Oh, a puppet show. Hey, how are you?

Come on in.

Dinner's almost ready.

You look great.

Cloth napkins? Who died?

Guess what?

I'm actually cooking.

From scratch?

Yeah, sure, as far as you know.

It's lasagna. I figured I would just go ahead and tell you right away so that

there are no embarrassing questions during dinner.

Hey, Ellen. Hey, Holly.

What you got there?

Oh, the usual.

Toothbrush, change of clothes, flute.

Oh, my God. You're running away to join Jethro Tull.

No, I'm staying at Megan's house. You and Mom are on your own tonight.

Really?

Wow, well, I guess we know the rules. No boys in the house.

That's Megan in the lobby. Mom, I'm going.

Okay, see you tomorrow.

Hey, Ellen, why don't you turn on the stereo?

How about a little Edith Piaf?

Yeah, everybody likes a good rice dish.

to finally be alone.

And it's a great time to be an American.

The wine's for before dinner, and after dinner, I've got brandy in the bedroom.

Really? TV's Moesha?

No kidding. I know, the beverage. That's what you meant.

Well,

you did the place up nice, huh?

Yeah, well, I wanted it to be special.

Which is good, right?

Yeah, yeah, it's great, great. I just, you know, it's so special it took my

breath away.

Oh, okay.

No, it just kind of took me by surprise or something.

Is that a problem?

Phone.

Yeah, the machine is on. What's the matter, Ellen?

Hi, this is Laurie. Leave a message after the beep. That's a funny one.

Hello, Laurie. This is Peter, Ellen's friend.

Hi, how are you doing? Good.

I'm actually looking for Ellen. Peter, hi. What's going on?

Oh, Ellen, thank goodness.

What is your parents' security symptom code word?

It's code word. Why?

Code word?

Is everything all right?

The code word is code word?

Yes, and not very imaginative people.

They almost named me daughter.

What's the matter?

Oh, well, the dog, who, if you let me speak frankly, is an idiot, jumped up on

window sensor and tripped the alarm.

Look, I can come right over if that's what you need.

Oh, no, not necessary. Problem solved.

Okay.

What was that all about? I've got to go, but I'll call you.

Wait, you're leaving? Do you want me to come with you? No, no, no. This is my

responsibility. I'm the one who put man, beast, and technology together.

What about dinner? I know. I'm sorry. Look at all the trouble.

Eat. You go ahead and eat. And when Holly gets home, she'll be happy because

there'll be lasagna and brandy, which children love.

didn't have to come over? Yeah, well, after you hung up, the dog called right

back and said, get over here.

Where is he?

Cujo? He finally calmed down. He's in there.

My parents' bedroom?

Ellen,

before you look, I... I should warn you.

There's a very happy dog with a half of roast beef on my parents' bed.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

I tried to get him to eat a salad with it.

Why are you still here?

Oh, um...

I had a blow -up with Barrett.

And I was thinking maybe I could spend the night here. If that's okay with you?

Sure, yeah. I don't think my parents would mind.

What about your dinner with Laurie?

Are you all right?

Yeah, sure.

Do you mind if I just hang out with you for a little while?

Sure.

I'm just going to look.

No reading.

Just light reading.

Oh, look at this.

Laughter in the military.

It seems that there was a lieutenant, and his actual name was Lou -tenant.

Well, you can imagine the mix -ups.

Something's wrong.

Maybe. A little bit.

Laurie, um... Laurie surprised me with this nice romantic evening tonight.

So, naturally, I freaked out and left.

Why?

Because... Because she had candles lit in the bedroom, and I'm pretty sure she

has electricity.

Ellen, everybody's nervous the first time.

Men and women.

Just remember, you know, this is her first time, too.

Well, with you.

I was feeling better until that with you part.

Well, you have nothing to be scared of. It's going to be great.

Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say. I mean, what if it isn't? So far it's

been theoretical, you know, but what if I don't do it right, you know? I mean,

the last thing I want to hear is her stopping me in the middle saying, what

hell are you doing?

You're getting way too hung up on the physical part of it.

She's not scoring you like it's the Olympics.

Thank God. I'd hate to have to wait another four years to try it again.

Let me tell you about the first night I spent with Barrett. No, thank you.

He didn't do anything.

He'd had to work late the night before.

We were laying there talking, and he just fell asleep.

So I lay there in his arms all night, listening to his heart beating.

It was the most comforting sound I'd ever heard.

After years of feeling nobody understood me, I didn't belong,

I felt like I was finally home.

Wow.

I want to sleep with Barrett.

Oh, God, I'm tearing up.

I can't believe I yelled at him tonight.

So he left a wet towel on the bed. They're worse things.

Like beef.

I have to go home, Ellen. I'm sorry.

Oh, what are you going to do?

Oh, I'm just going to sit here for a little while and hope that Laurie

that me bolting out of the house is just another of my delightful quirks.

Don't beat yourself up.

This is a big deal.

And if it's right like it was with us, you'll know it.

Don't peddle for Latin.

You know, in a way, it's like you're getting your virginity back.

Sure, that I get back. Sunglasses I never see again.

Hi. Hi.

Brought you these.

That florist was closed, but my mom has a garden.

So if there's any tomato plants in there, it was very dark.

Honey?

Is everything okay at the house?

Yeah, yeah, as soon as the security guys realized it was a false alarm, they

just fired a few rounds into the bushes and left.

Hey, that lasagna looks good.

They should add that to the recipe. Let's stand three hours.

You didn't call.

No, I know. I had to make sure everything was okay with Peter. Mm -hmm.

You were gone an awful long time. Well, I had to make sure that everything was

okay with everybody named Peter.

I thought maybe you were running away from me.

No. I just... I got a little thrown, you know? I mean, the candles and the wine

and the dinner, and I'm sure there was a very lovely dessert planned.

But I talked to Peter, and I'm feeling a lot better now.

Oh, well.

Good, everybody get your party hats, because Ellen feels better.

Uh -oh.

Look, you know, you spent the last three hours making yourself feel better, and

I spent the last three hours repeating to myself, Laurie Manning is a good

person. Laurie Manning is a good person.

Oh, okay.

I was wrong.

Okay, let's talk about that. Oh, well, now you want to talk.

Ellen, look, you shut me out, okay?

Just tell me, what's the matter? Is it that you're not interested in sleeping

with me? No. No, I'm very interested in sleeping with you. Believe me, I'm...

What's the biggest number? Probably, what, 800 and something? That's how

interested I am.

You know, what you had planned tonight, that's exactly what I want. I just...

Once it was a lasagna away, I got scared.

Why?

It's not like I was...

planning anything exotic. You know, the train seal does most of the work.

Don't even kid around. That scared me.

I guess I just kind of all of a sudden felt like I wasn't ready. I just got

nervous. Do you think that I'm not nervous?

Do you know how much courage it takes for me to put myself back out there?

been in a relationship for most of my adult life.

Karen. Yeah, right.

Followed by a long dry spell.

I mean, I haven't been with anyone in a long time.

How long?

Eight months.

Wow.

That's, uh, boy, that's like a lifetime, huh?

Yes, so you can see that this is a big deal for me.

You know, we haven't talked about this, and we probably should have.

Sleeping together?

Yeah. The truth is, I have, uh...

haven't been with that many women. I mean, the number of women that I've been

with, you could count on no hands.

Wait, Ellen, you've never... Never, ever.

The closest I came was I slept with a guy named Leslie.

Whoa.

So you've been waiting for this all your life, and now it's up to me to deliver.

Doesn't sound so fun anymore, does it?

Oh, man, okay.

That's a little overwhelming.

You're not going to give up on me, are you?

Mm -mm.

No.

No, we can just go a little more slowly.

Not too slow. I need to give my parents something for their Christmas

newsletter.

and establishing a government founded on the principles of life, liberty,

and the pursuit of happiness. Oh, hey.

Hey. What are you doing?

Listening to your heartbeat.

Wait a minute.

Sending me a message. Morse code. Hold on.

Send more cheese.

Ah.

Hey, you realize we spent our first night together?

Yeah, that's how a girl gets a reputation.

Oh, did you watch that whole tape?

Mm -hmm.

Actually, it was pretty boring until Thomas Jefferson started granting wishes

and people started flying.

Maybe I dozed off a minute.

Oh, well, it's really late.

Or really early, depending on how you look at it.

When's Holly get home?

Not until about 2 this afternoon.

Really? Mm -hmm.

Hmm.

Just me and you till two?

Mm -hmm. Without adolescent supervision.

That's dangerous.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

I'll keep my promise then I'll always be there

when you talk to me I'll always hear you Yeah