Original subtitles

All right, all right, I got the salad, you got the stuff. Is there anything

we've forgotten?

Oh, God, there was something I was going to tell you. Now I forgot. What was it?

Oh, yeah.

I really like you.

Oh, and I really like you, too. I just... I hope that you still feel that

when your parents hate me.

Hate you? Why would they hate you? You're exactly the kind of person that

parents wanted me to end up with, except for the women's underwear.

All right, well, what about this blouse? I mean, I would just, I would die if I

were too blousey. You're not.

You're not too blousey. Am I too sweatery? No. No, come on. I'm the one

should be, you know.

I'm the one who should be nervous. Why?

Because there's something I got to tell you about my parents.

They're insane.

Well, everyone thinks their parents are insane.

Yeah, but everyone doesn't have a certificate signed by a judge. Believe

real deal. I'm telling you. They bought night vision goggles to save on light

bulbs.

An hour early, right on time. Okay, come on.

So, remember this. This is a big deal. They're meeting my girlfriend, okay?

They're still evolving.

If you look closely at my dad, you'll see his gills.

Mom, dad, is that you? Hi, honey. Hi.

Hi, dad.

And you must be Ellen's significant other.

Well, hi. Hi.

I'm Laurie.

Hi. Oh, you're adorable.

Isn't she the most adorable significant other you've ever seen?

Hi. Smile.

Dad, you want a scotch?

I'd love to, Ellie, but your mother's afraid I'll say something inappropriate.

Well, here, here. Oh, thank you.

So, um...

Ellen tells me that you're a mortgage broker.

Yes, I hear that's a growing field for lesbians.

I'm getting a little thirsty myself. You know,

at the gay parent support group, they've told us to use the word lesbian early

and often. It's sort of our way of showing you and your significant other

we are A -OK with your being gay.

Isn't that queer?

Come on, say it, Harold.

I don't want to say it. I said it earlier today. Yeah, but not in front of

Ellen's significant other.

No, that's all right. You really don't have to say it. You know, he didn't even

go to the support group meeting last night.

Well, is it my fault that Footloose was on cable?

It's a story about a loving father and how he tries to raise his daughter

Mr. Morgan, I think that you have done a great job with Ellen here. Come on,

let's not arm wrestle now. Come on.

That's what she's always doing. We love to just arm wrestle and stuff. I'm going

to set the table.

Well, that's really interesting. They didn't mention arm wrestling at the

support group.

Dad, did I tell you that Laurie's father was an inventor?

Is that so?

Well, what do you know?

Dad was a patent lawyer way before patent law was cool.

Oh. Did your father maybe invent something we might know of?

Oh, uh, smokeless charcoal briquette. No.

Your father invented number 1458325?

I worked on that case. I don't talk about nothing else. Everything was

this, 1458325 that.

And that was the same year there was that brouhaha about whether flavored

toothpaste should be classified as a food. And you made that brilliant

And he said, if we allow this to happen, it will be a mockery of between -meal

brushing.

Please, Lois, the words come easy when you believe in the cause. Come on, let's

not waste all the good stories we've got all night long.

Lesbian!

There, I said it.

Can I have that scotch now?

This is so exciting.

Our first girls' night since Ellen declared every night a girls' night.

So, how'd it go with Lori and your parents?

She was so terrific. My mom likes her a lot. My dad's warming up to her.

Oh, if you'd watched Lori interact with my parents, she would have sworn she

could understand what the hell they were talking about.

I've seen her in so many different situations now, and she handles herself

beautifully.

Ooh, do I hear the opening strains of Here Come the Bride?

Of course, you can't legally marry here in the U .S.

Would you be averse to moving to Denmark or Norway?

I'm all for gay marriages. I just don't want to freeze my ass off. Listen.

I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves. I still haven't met her

daughter, who I'm meeting tomorrow night. Oh, Ellen, meeting Holly should

without a hitch.

Kids like you. Yes, they do.

And when I buy them cigarettes, they love me.

Yeah, but Holly's Lori's kid. I mean, that's a big attachment. I've never

anybody with a kid before.

Wait, what about Mike Pongetti? Didn't he have one? No, no, he just pushed a

stroller around.

No, the closest I ever came was that guy with the Irish setter, and I knew where

I stood with him, because on Christmas morning, the dog got a better sweater

than me.

Yeah, well, let me tell you, pets are a lot easier to deal with than children.

There aren't many kids you can buy off with raw hamburger.

You know, If her kid can't stand you, that could really screw things up with

Lori.

Thanks a lot. I'm a lot less nervous about meeting her now.

Once again, I'm here to the rescue.

Ellen, I brought you something that will help to endear Holly to you forever.

Little angel makeup kit.

All right,

if you think she's going to like me better wearing root beer flavored lip

Ellen, it's not for you. It's for Holly, silly. Look.

It's got blush and eye shadow.

I bet you didn't know there were nine different shades of pink.

Audrey, she's not going to want that.

This child is being raised by a lesbian.

What does that mean?

Come on, you've got to admit, it's a pretty weird way to grow up.

Look at all of us. I mean, there's no one normal way to raise a kid. It takes

village.

And if you've been to the village, it's chock full of gay people.

So, I'm sorry, what you're saying is it's not strange to grow up with a gay

parent? It's no stranger than being raised by a father that got stuck in the

chimney dressed as Uncle Sam.

All I'm saying is Laurie's a wonderful person. I'm sure her daughter is also.

Oh, but how do you know that?

Because she told me.

Right. Mothers lie. I mean, don't you think that my mother told all her

boyfriends that I was sweet and smart and wonderful?

You know what I mean.

Look, can we please just change the subject?

Because we're going to make Ellen sad, and there is nothing worse than a sad

lesbian.

Except for a sad lesbian clown.

All I'm saying is that the kid better like you.

Oh, she'll like me.

If it takes a carton of luckies, she'll like me.

I'm telling you, she's not coming.

Her carpool is bringing her relax. Sometimes band practice goes a little

Yeah, well, she's obviously not in the marching band. She'd be here by now.

Here she is.

Hey, Mom. Hi, Holly.

This is Ellen. Ellen, this is Holly.

Hi, Holly.

Hi.

So, your mom's told me a lot about you.

Mom, what did you tell her?

Don't worry. It wasn't anything that she didn't already read in your diary.

I'm going to get popcorn. You want anything?

No, thanks. Actually, you know what? Find out what the soup of the day is.

You know, I hate that all the candy here is like a million bucks.

Well, in the words of my father, that's how they get you.

Brought my own stuff anyway.

You brought chocolate?

What a coincidence. My pockets are stuffed with graham crackers and

marshmallows. If we borrow a lighter, we can make s'mores.

You know, I have a ton of these at home. I'm selling them to raise money for the

band. Well...

What happened?

Denny Markham, really cute, brown hair, playing skull crusher.

The Denny Markham that you've had a crush on all year?

My God, my mom has the hugest mouth.

She didn't tell me. Come on, I was 12 once.

Although you have better taste in boys than I did.

I had a crush on the guy that always volunteered to mop stuff up.

Go say hi.

Please. I'm 12. I'm built like his younger brother, and I'm in the band.

He doesn't even notice me. All he does is rollerblade and make jokes about

boobs. Boy, times have changed. In my day, they would roller skate and make

jokes about boobs.

You know, it's perfectly normal for boys your age to think about that stuff.

Are you talking about sex?

Uh, yeah, unless your mom comes back, in which case I'm talking about inline

skating.

But we can talk about anything you want. Why don't you tell me about yourself?

Like what?

I don't know.

Start at the beginning.

I was conceived through artificial insemination.

A little more beginning than I had planned, but okay.

My mom picked my dad out of a catalog.

I was created in a lab.

I picked these shoes out of a catalog. Maybe you're related.

That's pretty cool that you and your mom can talk about that stuff.

Oh, no, you know what's really cool is how they do it. First they take this

thing that looks like a turkey baster, and then that's how I created the roller

disco. So, hi.

Hi, how's it going?

Uh, great, great.

Although we're not having Thanksgiving dinner at your place.

Come on, come on.

Let's get a seat.

No, no, no, you wipe that popcorn butter on somebody else, Missy. Come on.

What did everyone think?

I thought it was fun.

It was stupid.

Well, that's because you were in the bathroom when the squirrel ate the

plutonium.

That's when it got funny.

Hey, listen.

I'll tell you what. I've got an idea. Why don't I take you to get some

There's a really cute little place around the corner. They have a great

cake. I think I had it once, but I don't remember.

I don't like smoothies.

All right, but don't come crying to me when you're 75 years old with a mouth

full of teeth.

What are you talking about? You love dessert.

Look, I just don't want dessert, okay?

How about pot roast?

What's, uh, what's going on here? Why are you acting like this?

I'm not acting like anything.

Uh, yeah, you are, and you're being very rude to Ellen. Now, come on, just talk

to me.

All right.

I think we should take Holly home now because I think she's misplaced her

manners somewhere.

Did something go wrong? Did I do something? I thought we were pals.

Trust me.

We're not. Holly.

Holly, come here.

Let her go. Let her go. Maybe she'll lead us to where she stashed the good

Ellen, I'm really sorry about this. I have no idea what's fucking Holly.

That's all right. There was a kid in my neighborhood who used to act this way.

Her problem was she hated Ellen Morgan.

I don't get it. Kids usually love me. I just, I mean, I haven't been to the

movies with a 12 -year -old in a while, but was I supposed to tip her or

something?

No, I don't get it either. And, you know, it's just girls her age are going

through a lot of changes, and she's probably just becoming Satan, so.

Ellen,

you're not mad at me for some reason, are you? No, no, I'm just trying to

this thing out. I mean, kids usually love me.

Well, listen, this may not even be about you.

Quit talking to her.

Yeah, if it was about me, she'd be yelling, punch her.

Well, look, I'll call you tomorrow. Just please don't worry about it, okay?

I'm sorry.

She's sitting there. I don't want to... That's what it is. What?

She saw me hold your hand in the movie and the affection freaked her out. Oh, I

don't know. I'm telling you. Listen to me. I know kids.

They think that this stuff is gross anyway.

You know, I mean, if I saw my mom with another woman... Yeah, that's a

thing.

No, I mean, she's seen me with other women. It's never freaked her out

Well, maybe she's not as comfortable as you think.

How many other women are we talking about here?

Hundreds, you know. Well, maybe thousands, in fact.

I need your picture for the Ladies of Laurie calendar.

I was joking. No, okay. All right. I'm sorry. I know. I just... I'm going to

Can we shake hands?

Yes. I'm not a prude.

Oh, great. Now the neighbors are getting their binoculars out.

Been wanting to catch a glimpse of the gay woman shaking hands on her porch.

I'll see you. I was kidding again. Yeah, I know. You do that a lot.

I'll see you later.

Nice meeting you, Holly.

You're good on that thing. No wonder you're in the band.

Hi, Holly.

How you doing? Your mom home?

No, she's still at the store getting us stuff for dinner.

Wow, your mom gets stuff, too? My mom used to get stuff.

On special occasions, she'd stuff that stuff with other stuff.

Well, since I need to talk to your mom, I'll come in instead of waiting in the

hall.

How are the chocolate sales going?

Fine.

You know, my high school band, we used to raise money by playing in front of

people's houses until they paid us to leave.

World's finest, huh?

Boy, that's got to make the Swiss mad, huh?

They'll be all right, though. They're still kicking our butts in the cheese

category.

Can I try one of these?

Well, I'm selling them, not giving them away.

All right.

So, what are you playing band?

Flute. Great.

Why do you hate my guts?

I don't hate you.

Sure you do.

I mean, not hate like you want to kill me, I hope.

You're sure not the kid I met before the movies the other night.

Look, I don't know what you're talking about, but get over it, okay?

See,

I think I know what it is. I think that you got mad because I held your mom's

hand in the movies.

Oh, man, you are, like, so wrong.

It's okay. I mean, I get sensitive about that stuff. It's weird, you know,

touching and all. It's because of me that the hands didn't go all the way

America.

I didn't hold my mom's hand until after the lights went out.

Yes, that's because I'm afraid of the dark.

And what about not holding your hand in the lobby?

What did you do, review the videotape from the security camera?

Are you telling me you're mad because I didn't do that stuff?

You wouldn't even kiss her goodnight in front of your own house, Ellen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't kiss her because I thought you were mad because I held her hand.

Are you ashamed of being gay?

No, it's just different when you're out in public.

Well, are you ashamed of my mother?

No, God, no. I like your mom, you know, but there are a lot of people around,

and I just don't like being so obvious about being gay when there are a lot of

people around who aren't gay and who aren't fond of the gay.

My mom's not going to hide who she is.

I don't expect her to. You know, I just was raised in a different time. You

know, when I was growing up, Gay people weren't supposed to show affection in

public. Man, were you raised in the old days.

Yeah, we didn't have time to be tolerant. We were too busy stealing the

from the native red man.

Look, I'm trying to let go of a lot of old ideas here. I fight them every

day.

You're really lucky to be growing up now.

Right. Thanks for burning a hole in the ozone layer.

What are you afraid of? That people won't like you if you're holding my

hand? That they'll just say junk?

Does that happen to you? Do kids make fun of you at school?

Well, yeah, but it was my own choice. I mean, nobody forced me to be in the

band.

Some kids can say mean things, but others can be pretty cool.

I mean, you just have to let that go. You have to be yourself.

All right, let me see some ID. You're not 12. Come on.

If you're going to be involved with my mom, you're just going to have to be

about this stuff, too.

All right, I'll try.

Wow.

You're really lucky to be raised this way. You're just an amazing kid.

And no matter how screwed up you get when you get older, you can always tell

your psychiatrist, I know it's not my childhood.

Thank you.

By the way, that was a five I gave you.

So I owe you four bucks.

You can keep it.

Holly, I'm home.

Ellen.

Hi, what are you doing here?

Trying to get the band a new tuba. Eat up. Come on.

Ellen came by to take such a dinner.

Oh, okay.

Or, no, I think Holly was planning the... Oh, no, good. Tomorrow night.

good. Okay.

She's dying. Let's go.

You okay?

Yeah, I'll tell you about it later. All right.

Uh, remind me again, Holly, where did I say I was taking us?

Oh, all you said is that it was very expensive.

Oh.

Lucky us, we're gonna eat at the movie theater.

Smokeless charcoal briquettes.

Oh, boy, I will remember your dad's patent application for a long while. Do

know that in the early set of documents, they were misidentified as smokeless

charcoal biscuits?

And everyone was so intrigued. I mean, what will they taste like?

Ellen, you almost went with the salad, because, you know, you're making some

really great stories out here.

And remember what happened around that same time? You remember? Oh, right. That

was when the girl that cuts my hair told me to do that perm.

He looked so comical. And, you know, then I started to call him Mr.

Curly Hat and Poodle Man.

That was when I started my hat collection.

Alan, come on back, honey. Okay, please, Alan.

You know, that was also the same summer that we started hearing about the killer

bees. Oh, and everyone was in such a titty. I mean, no, really, for me, for

that was the end of Camelot.

Of course, this is the year they are really going to get here.

Yeah. You girls are going to need protective headgear.

Maybe something from the hat collection.

At least get me the scotch, woman.