Original subtitles

Oh, gee, Ellie, this means so much to me. I cannot believe that you actually

consented to be in our Civil War reenactment this year. Don't mention it

anyone ever, really.

It'll be nice just spending the weekend with you and these other strange men

that I don't know.

Well, if it isn't General Ulysses S. Grant.

I am Betsy. This is Ellen, my daughter. Ellen, Betsy is the children's librarian

here, but she also plays a nurse in our reenactment. There is no one better at

dressing fake chest wounds.

Nice to meet you. Oh, you too.

Very impressive.

You didn't tell me you were going to be General Grant this year. Oh, it's not

any big deal. I mostly got the promotion because I'm bringing the cannon from

our front yard.

Wait, wait a minute. Won't that leave the gladiolas with an unprotected flank?

All right, everyone, could I have your attention? We're about ready to begin.

Welcome to the 23rd annual reenactment of the Civil War, sponsored this year by

a generous donation from Joey Chen of Chen Cadillac. Stand up, Joey.

This year, Joey's going to be our General Robert E. Lee.

It's my pleasure to introduce to you a man you all know, the Supreme Commander

of the Union Army, Harold Morgan.

Thank you. Thank you, Betsy.

Look, I know that the South has captured our flag for three years running, but

this year, Joey, your butt is mine.

The North is going to rise again.

And one reason for that is that we have coming back as our drill sergeant this

year, the chief of security from the Fairmont Mall, Dave Timko.

All right, listen up, you maggots!

Everybody knows their roles?

Let's go over their particulars. Excuse me, I'm not sure of my role exactly,

unless in the real Civil War you had sarcastic bystanders.

It could be anything you want, ma 'am, but for women it's nurse or prostitute.

Nurse is pretty boring.

Look, if I'm going to be in this thing, I want to be a soldier.

Women are not soldiers. Women are nurses or prostitutes.

Somebody has some issues, huh? Listen, I don't want to name drop or anything,

but my dad is General Grant, so unless anybody's father's wearing a stovepipe

hat, I don't think... Come on, sweetie. A woman soldier in the Civil War?

That's not authentic.

Is everything okay, Sergeant? Yeah, everything's fine, Dad. Hey, lady, just

be a nurse, huh? We want to eat the potstickers General Lee brought.

All right, I won't fight your silly war. Lose to the South if you want. But

don't come whining to me when they're eating grits in Boston.

Okay, Dad, we'll do something again some other weekend. No, no, Ellie, wait.

Don't go.

Please. I mean, it's high time someone shattered the gender barrier of these

reenactments.

Well, don't look at me. I don't want to be a Joan of Arc.

Although I always thought it would be neat to be Noah.

I've got what it takes. See, I would do it myself if I was younger, but they

won't even let me be a prostitute anymore.

Dave, what is the harm? Let her be a soldier.

Forget it.

Come on. I'm wearing a sports bra.

She'd make a damn fine soldier. And as chairperson of the committee, I insist

you give her a shot. She can do it. I know she can. Yeah, and don't worry

trench foot. I had it as a kid.

All right.

You want to be a soldier?

A soldier.

But first, you are going to have to survive my boot camp.

And I'm going to grind you into the mud, Morgan.

You can try.

Tick -tock.

Oh, Harold, be careful.

That's how accidental head won't happen. Oh, dear.

It's not a real cannon.

Sure, but it certainly discouraged tailgaters on the way over here, huh?

You know, Ellie, you are our first woman soldier. I am proud of you. Yeah, well,

I'd feel so much better about this if you were just going to be a prostitute.

This is not about your dream, Mom. It's about mine.

Farewell, my love.

If anything should happen to me, remember, my shirts are at the dry

I want you to be careful, too. Don't try to be a hero.

Oh, to me, the real heroes are the men and women teaching our young people.

Morgan, all in.

I gotta go.

I've heard tell and now I know.

I've heard tell and now I know.

New recruits are mighty slow.

New recruits are mighty slow.

Tim goes from Mars and I'm from Venus. The only difference is he has a whistle.

Welcome to Hell Day. Thank you.

My name is Sergeant Timko.

Remember it, men.

And girl, how long you'll learn to despise me.

Pretty fast learner.

On the first day, I'd like to get one soldier to drop on request, or my day is

not finished.

Oh, my cat's having kittens.

I gotta go.

Now, you think I'm going to give you special treatment just because you're a

girl, don't you?

No, I don't. Well, you're not going to get it. Good, because I don't want it.

Why in all you want to, you're not going to get special treatment?

Quick question. Will I be getting special treatment?

That's it, Morgan.

Why don't you give me 20?

Oh, I don't have a 20. Will you take two tens?

Oh, you want to laugh, do you?

Why don't I take 20 from all of you maggots?

Not nice when you call us maggots.

How's it going, Morgan?

Thanks a lot.

How you

doing,

Morgan?

Permission to find a bear and wristlet, sir.

Men ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Like a woman.

Show you up.

Normally, your pre -battle rations would include a measure of beer, but there

won't be any this time.

And you know who to thank for that?

Morgan? I can't hear you. Morgan, Sergeant!

It's like sweet, sweet music. Let me hear it. Who's to blame?

Morgan! Morgan!

What do you think, Morgan?

Ooh.

Oh, my.

It's perilous up here. I can see the house where I was born.

Morgan.

And the rule is that there are no rules.

Peterson, you're up. Come on!

Give her a piece of it.

Come on, I'm warning you, Peterson. When I was a kid, I was on the big padded

hitting stick team.

Normally, I would never hit a woman, but normally, I'd be drinking a beer right

now. Well, why don't you go get one of that keg over there? There's a keg? No.

obstacle course all the way from this point all the way to the doors of the 7

-Eleven. You touch the doors, you return through the obstacle course to this

point. You know, in the real army, they make you do this carrying a spoon with

an egg on it.

Shh, don't get us in any more trouble.

You have two minutes.

Move out!

Excellent work, ladies and gentlemen.

But wait, I don't see a lady present.

Looks like Morgan has washed out.

I knew I'd never see the day when a woman... Hey, there she is!

Good timing, Morgan.

But not good enough!

Well, I know. It was a little more difficult than I had anticipated. The

asked for two forms of ID.

Don't you have time to buy beer?

Yeah, yeah, I got pretzels in my pocket.

Oh, Morgan!

Morgan!

Morgan!

I'd better go. I have a little rendezvous with a soldier who holds a

special place in my heart. Oh, are you sure? We're just about to play Name That

Battle Hymn.

Bye.

Hey, I'm very proud of you, soldiers.

You came through your basic training with flying colors, man.

And Ellie.

Yeah, we're prepared even if this war rages on through late Sunday afternoon,

huh?

Oh, excuse me.

Ellie, I want you to have this sword.

This has been in the Morgan family for years.

Your great -great -grandfather used this sword in 1865 at the reenactment of the

War of 1812.

We have a family sword?

No wonder all the other families have shields.

I think you'd better keep it.

Ellie, you really confirmed my faith in you. I'm very proud and glad you came.

Me too.

Now you'd better get a good night's sleep.

For tomorrow, we'd die.

Not really. I just like saying that.

I know. You used to tuck me in, remember?

To Private Morgan.

To Private Morgan!

Oh, fellas, come on.

Boy, what is it about drinking out of a jug that makes high C taste so damn

good?

Hey, Kelsey, was General Grant married?

I don't remember.

Neither does he.

November 8th, the eve of battle, and it's difficult to sleep.

Timco never should have set up camp next to an all -night gas station.

War reenacting as hell.

The training was brutal.

Not so much for me, but Private Goebel off the keys to his Lexus.

But the looming pretend battle isn't what haunts me. I'm afraid my father

be involved in something that'll tear our family asunder.

But I need to find more evidence.

I came on this trip with hopes of bringing my dad and me closer.

But now I feel more distant than ever.

all that a bang?

My grandmother can bang louder than that.

She's 85 years old. She had a larynx removed.

If they can't hear us bang, then they don't die. And if they don't die, then

die. And if we die, we don't get trophies.

Bang! Bang!

Uh,

generals left, ma 'am.

Yes, I know. I'm just going to wait inside. I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to

anyone in the general's tent.

Oh, so conscientious, so thorough, so strong.

Come on, face it, Peterson. People like you and me don't come on these weekends

for the powdered scrambled eggs and the wheat coffee.

We come for the sex.

Come on. What do you say you and I get together and form a more perfect union,

huh?

Oh, man, this is going to be the best Civil War ever. All right.

What do you say you go over to the store and pick up some protection?

Don't want to be catching no scurvy.

Harold E.

Morgan.

That's why he looks so trim in that uniform.

Dear Harold, though I only get to see you three days a year, I feel so close

you. Who would have believed it? A librarian and a retired patent attorney.

Then when our passion finally got the better of us... Rob whatever you're

Morgan.

I can't. Then I'll break the chain and die mysteriously like Mrs. Edna Grant of

Pensacola, Florida.

You're under arrest, Morgan.

I remember that scurvy isn't a sexually transmitted disease.

It's a vitamin C deficiency.

Yeah, well, if you're not losing vitamins, you're not doing it right.

I'm warning you, Peterson, they haven't built a Buick Skylark yet that could

hold me.

Open it up, soldier.

They tell me you were looking through my things.

Ellen Morgan, private first class, driver's license H7654.

I'd like to know what's going on. Really, Dad? So would I.

I found Betsy's letter.

That letter is private. To discuss it would be a violation of trust.

Well, that's admirable, Dad.

If that is your real name, Dad.

You think I've been cheating on your mother?

I'd think you'd have more faith in me than that.

What is it with men? You can't keep your cannon on your front lawn.

I think I know what this is about. Let me explain.

No, no, Betsy, everything's okay.

No, everything's fine.

I'm in the backseat of a car with my dad and his date.

Guard, I demand to be taken to the El Camino.

For 15 years, I wanted to tell your father that I loved him, and I finally

the chance. Yes, I know, last night. No, last year.

When your mother and I were separated.

So last night, I went to him to see if there was any chance, but General Grant

was too honorable.

Of all the war reenactments and all the dirt lots in all the world, she had to

walk into yours.

Carol, I just want you to know you will always be supreme commander of my heart.

Goodbye, Ellen.

Goodbye, Betsy.

I told you there was nothing going on. I mean, she's a nice woman, but she isn't

my Lois.

You and Mom really are perfect for each other.

And for the first time in my life, I'm saying that without sarcasm.

You know, Dad, you've been telling the guys how much you believed in me. I

I should have been doing the same for you.

I'm sorry.

Morgan, front and center.

I hope you realize the gravity of this situation.

No worse crime than spying.

If this was a real civil war, we'd hang you from the ARCO sign.

Instead, we're drumming you out of the army.

Uh, Sergeant Timko, the drummer, left.

Well, I guess you'll have to fiddle me out.

General Grant, you're the ranking officer.

Remove the soldier's stripes.

No, I can't do it. Yes, you can, Dad. They're just velcroed on.

No, Ellie, you worked hard. You have every right to participate in this

It's a matter of honor. General Grant, you are disobeying a direct order from

the President of the United States.

With all due respect, sir, if it were not for me, you wouldn't even be

President. Last year, when I was on the laundry detail, I shrunk the Lincoln

suit.

If she goes, I go, and I'm taking my cannon with me.

Who cares?

I'm tired of you waving your cannon in my face anyway.

You mean more to me than these damn Yankees.

It's the Rabs. It looks like Lee is launching a surprise attack.

I need this like I need a hole in the head.

The battle was quick and brutal.

Soon the field was littered with the bodies of the dead and their candy

wrappers.

We were outnumbered and all looked lost until I reminded General Lee that his

uniform was due at the costume shop in an hour.

Seeing he had nowhere else to turn and not wanting to pay a late charge, Lee

surrendered.

Um, you're embarrassing me in front of the other soldiers.

Carol, goodbye.

Goodbye, Betsy.

Mom, this is Betsy. Betsy, this is my mother, Lois.

Of course. How are you, Betsy? Lois.

Well, I guess this really is goodbye. I guess it is, Betsy. Harold.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye, Betsy.

She's such a nice woman.

Well, now the whole family thinks so.

You know, when your father and I were separated last year, he had a little

with her.

You knew?

Oh, yeah. Well, your father and I have no secrets from one another.

Oh, so you know about the girdle then.

Hey, Timko, I thought you left. I guess someone else drives a small truck with

absurdly large tires.

You know, me and the fellas were talking, you know, next week is the

Fair. I'm wondering if you'd like to tag along.

You'd make a great alehouse wince.

Why can't I be a pewtersmith?

There's no winning with you, Morgan. There's just no winning with you.