Original subtitles

So after what happened to you at the bookstore, I asked myself, do I want to

work for a guy like Ed?

No, sir. So I quit.

Wow. Boy, you showed him, huh?

If he notices.

Of course, I had to borrow some money from my uncle up in Toronto to open this

place. All he asked is that I name it after him.

Huh. And his name's Joe, too?

No, but he never visits L .A.

As far as he's concerned, it's hot cup of chet.

Well, good luck with the place.

With your hard work and ingenuity,

Well, good luck with the place.

Excuse me, where do you keep the Advocate?

Oh, investment newspapers are over there.

No, the Advocate is a gay news magazine.

Oh, then you'll find it in the porno section.

I've been helping Joseph spruce up his new coffee house.

Now, how does this grab you? Heart -shaped urinal puck.

Hello, Ellen.

What about books? Ellen, you've been staring at this woman long enough. It's

time to start whistling and hooting.

I know her. Her name is Laurie something.

I had the biggest crush on her. She helped me get my mortgage on my house.

is so romantic.

Why don't you go talk to her?

Yeah, here.

Take her this.

Nothing says lovin' like a yam.

Oh, gee, I don't think I'm ready for the kind of commitment a yam entails.

Besides, she probably doesn't even remember me.

Lori!

Ellen?

Ellen Morgan, right? Yeah. Yeah, Lori Manning. I handled the loan on your

Yeah.

7 .130, you're fixed.

Wow, what a memory. Boy, that pretty much kills my plans on not paying it

These are my friends. This is Audrey and Paige.

Hi. So how's the house? You liking it?

Yeah, it's... Frankly, it's a little small and the closets are tiny, but...

Paige, why don't you let me answer? It'd be good practice for when you're not

around.

It's great. I love it. Good. The kitchen needs a little work.

Oh, the advocate.

Did you read the article in there about the impact of gay -owned corporations on

international trade?

I don't know. Did it start with Amazon Beauty Seeks Soulmate?

Lori, are you an advocate of the advocate?

A sporty girl? A woman's woman? A sailor on the seas of Dinah's shore?

Wow. That is the worst pick -up line I've ever heard.

I'm not trying to pick you up, silly.

Ellen's the one who prefers Joanie to Chachi.

Please excuse Audrey. She blurts. She's a blurter from way back.

No, that's okay.

I've got a pushy friend, too, who's... She's always sending me packages, hoping

I'll chat up the UPS girl.

Well, I've got to go back to work, but I... You know what? I would love to talk

with you more about the house.

I'd love that, too. Yeah, why don't I... I'll give you my card, and you can call

me. Okay. Oh, I must have left them in the car. Here's a pen.

Oh.

Thanks. If you want, you could... Here.

Yeah, go ahead. There may be some old physics notes you're going to write

but... It's either a three or an eight.

No, it could be a two or a five.

No, if only I hadn't given Audrey that elaborate gangster handshake.

I'm just going to try all the numbers till I get her. No, no, no, easy. No,

no, no, no. The woman gave you her number an hour and a half ago, right?

want to look too desperate.

I'm just following protocol.

It's what one does when a woman inks up your hand in a chicken joint.

You know, maybe he's right. You should not rush this. I'm not so sure that Lori

was as interested in you as Audrey was interested in her being interested in

you.

Look, I'm telling you, I liked her. She liked me. We clicked. There was

clicking. I heard clicking. Something was going on, or something is wrong with

my jaw.

Okay, fine. You like her. I'm just saying, wait a week before you call, and

get her name slightly wrong so you don't seem interested.

Better yet?

I'll wait a year and spit on her when I see her.

You know, I may be old -fashioned, but I don't think the woman should ever call.

That may not be practical in this case, babe.

Try the five.

Hello? Hi, is Lori there?

Okay. Thank you.

She doesn't work at Der Wiener Schnitzel.

I do, too.

I got her machine. It's her. Quick, chirp like a fax machine and hang up.

I'm going to try my sexy voice. Don't make me laugh.

Hi, Laurie.

Hi, it's Ellen Morgan called... Oh, hi!

What?

No, I have a frog in my throat.

I should wash the lettuce better.

Anyway, listen, I was wondering, you know, you said that maybe we could get

together sometime.

Yeah,

that sounds great. That's what I had in mind, kind of.

Well, there's a new place on 3rd.

That's the one.

Yeah, well, we go to... Okay.

All right, then.

Yeah, I'll see you then.

What's up? I have a date. All right!

I know, I can't believe it. I'm so nervous. Me and Laurie, and we're going

for coffee.

I hate to see that happen.

What?

Well, she's putting you off.

I mean, coffee's not a date. Coffee's an interview for the date. Right. A real

date is food, drink.

Well, coffee's a drink. People drink coffee.

It's not the same thing.

No one has ever gotten romantic over coffee.

Yeah? Well, then why are there so many Colombians?

Sometimes it really hits me. I'm a mortgage broker. That sounds so grown

work at a desk. I wear a suit. And inside, I feel like I should still be...

climbing trees or something.

Well, you could ask to get transferred to another branch.

So, uh, it must be nice working at a bookstore.

I don't work there anymore. I'm unemployed.

Oh, I didn't know you were unemployed.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I wasn't when I filled out the forms for the bank, you

and, uh, you know, I had a job then. But, I mean, don't worry about it. I

money, socked away. I mean, I'm not an heiress or anything like that, but, you

know, I could get lucky, you know, if my parents got really, really rich and

then, you know, died.

This is a great neighborhood. Your house, it's around here, isn't it? It

It's just right down there. You should come over sometime. It's really great.

It's Spanish.

But I'm going to raise it to respect both cultures.

Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you about the neighborhood because I've been

thinking about buying around here. Yeah, Holly and I need some more space.

Oh, really? Holly and you need space? Well, good. Okay, well, so you want to

talk about the neighborhood?

Yeah, well, I...

Yeah, I mean, I've been thinking about buying, and now seems like a good time.

Yeah, well, property values are going up. Interest rates are coming down.

Yeah, maybe I could refinance.

Sure, I can help you with that. Yeah, well, at least you could do. You didn't

help me move.

So tell me about Holly.

Oh.

Holly, she's, oh, she's just, she's wonderful. You know, she's my life. I'm

lucky to have her.

Good for you.

amazing, because one minute she wants to be a marine biologist. Next minute she

wants to be a spice girl.

She's my daughter. She's 12. I showed you her picture when you came to the

office, didn't I? I don't know if you did or not, but I didn't know that. Oh,

wow, you have a daughter.

Yeah, how is your daughter?

Yeah, well, that's great.

And believe me, I'm sure she'll grow out of that silly marine biologist face.

Oh, gosh.

You know what? I've got to run. I've got another appointment.

Oh. But this was terrific.

Let me get this. No, thank you so much for the info. I got it.

We talked about business.

You're a write -off.

Oh, well, good. I'm glad we can get together and commit tax fraud.

Well, let's do this again, do you think? Yeah.

I'll call you.

Okay.

So, how'd it go?

Uh, good.

Wow, great.

Yeah, I mean, we just, we got to talking, and one thing led to another,

well, I don't want to jinx it, but I think I'm refinancing.

I know how that can happen. That's why I try to play it safe, and on my first

date, I limit the conversation to two topics, music and getting it on.

So you had coffee, and you talked about business.

Well, if that's a date, then I've been dating my accountant for the past four

years.

I don't know what's going to happen with Laurie and I, but I'm keeping my

fingers crossed for you and your CPA.

You know, it's like I told you, Elle. It's not a date unless there's, you

food and drinks.

What is that? I am having a squirrel situation. They're scampering up on the

porch. They're running up the gutters and getting romantic on my roof.

I think they'd use that futon I set out by the chimney.

I thought you were a squirrel. Well, I'm not. Go inside so I can clean this up.

Okay. Well, here's a broom. Thank you.

Who's that?

That's Lori.

Hi.

Hi. I got my heel caught in your mat, and as I was trying to extricate myself,

accidentally knocked over your... My priceless Italian planter with my

fiddlehead fig.

Oh, no, no, no. Tell me you're kidding. No, they're called fiddlehead figs.

Come on in.

Oh. I'm interrupting. No, no, no. This is my 12 -year -old daughter.

She's going through the ugly phase. Say she's pretty.

Nice to meet you. I'm her cousin, Spence. Hi.

Oh, I was looking at a property in the neighborhood, and you did offer to show

me the house, so I thought, you know what? I'm going to go by. I'm going to

break something.

Wow.

Very considerate of you. I've been so busy today, I probably wouldn't have had

time to break it myself.

Oh, Ellen.

Oh, this is fabulous. It's so warm, homie.

Thank you, homie.

You know, I'm sorry I had to run off so fast today. It seemed like we were just

getting started there.

Yeah, well, you're here now. I mean, what are you doing? I'm making dinner.

Nothing fancy beats.

Um, well, actually, I do have dinner plans, but you want to do something

Movie?

Yeah, I'd like that. Okay, great. Okay.

Can I see the rest of the house? Yes. I'm sorry. The kitchen is in here.

Great. And a movie. They have food and drinks here, don't they? Yeah, they do.

Okay,

what do you think?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That brown leather belt is way better than the nine other

brown leather belts you just tried on.

I'm being sarcastic.

Let me see the cookie sheet again.

I can't believe you haven't bought a full -length mirror. How can you live

this? It's easy. I just don't dress and bake at the same time.

Well, you look great. I mean, Laurie would have to be crazy not to love you

that.

Let me see the cookie sheet again.

Cookie sheet, cookie sheet on the wall.

Tell me... You have no sense of fun. What's the matter with you, huh?

Oh. at the time. I'm going to be late. It's going to take me ten minutes to

park. No, it won't, because I'm going to drop you off. That way, Laurie will

have to drive you home, and as we all know, the ride home is where the real

begins.

Paige, you're amazing. Just when I think I've seen all your sneaky tricks, you

pull something like this out of the bag.

My sister practiced piano.

I practiced this.

Marco. Hold on. Marco, Marco, Marco.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late. My car broke down.

Very emotional car.

Well, so far, all you've missed is the public service announcement about drugs,

and I don't mean to ruin it for you.

They're against them.

You look good.

Oh, thanks.

You too.

I mean, I think. Your teeth are shiny and look like that.

Concord?

That souvenir hot tub sucks. Shut up.

Hi. Oh, Maura, this is Ellen. Ellen, Maura. Hi, nice to meet you, Nutball.

Geez, that sure got violent, huh?

Yeah, well, I think it was justified.

Yeah, it's not like we didn't ask him to stop kicking our seats.

Hey, should we grab some dessert?

Uh, you know, I think I hit the wall with that jumbo popcorn and the extended

family -sized Nestle's Crunch, but... Yeah, I'll go ahead. That's okay. I

want to butt in. No, what do you mean?

Well, I'm sure you want to be alone, so, you know.

Oh, oh, no, Ellen, no. Maura and I are not a couple. No, no, no. No, no, no,

no.

I know it's not trendy, but I still like men.

Except for the one I married who never leaves the house.

Lori and I were out for dinner, and I thought, hey, tag along.

Well, good that you did. Good.

Okay, well, you're not.

Oh, boy, I should call a cab.

Oh, that's your car. You need a ride. I'd be happy to take you.

Oh, no, you know, that's okay. I should walk. It's only 11 miles.

Laurie said you live on citrus.

Hey, neighbor lady, I'm two seconds away.

No, it's okay. Really, I love walking. I would like to walk. Maura, I can drive

Ellen home. These shoes aren't that comfortable. That's good.

Oh, don't be silly. I'm just around the corner.

Two seconds.

Well, okay.

I guess I'll get a ride with Maura then.

Okay. Okay. Well, it was terrific.

Yeah. Okay.

if you dwell on all the little things that went wrong, of course you're going

think it wasn't a good date.

Paige, she brought another woman along.

That sounds like a good date to me.

I don't get it. I mean, why wouldn't she just tell her friend not to come

because it was a date? Unless, unless, of course, she never intended it to be a

date in the first place. Okay, so it wasn't a date.

I don't know. I am completely confused.

Oh, I could never be gay.

I need more clarity than this. I mean, listen, okay.

If I'm with a guy more than three hours, and I still don't know where I stand,

this is what I do, okay? I take him, I look him in the eyes, and I say, this is

now officially a date.

And if he doesn't like it, I put my dress back on, and I go home.

Elle, I'm going to talk to you skirt chaser skirt chaser, okay?

If you want to get this thing going, you have to stop waiting for the bus and

drive this baby.

You know what I'm saying?

Now, in the Het World, when you meet someone and you want to get things

No, no, no.

No, yeah. What, Het World? The Het World.

Oh, Het World. I used to love going there as a kid.

Yeah.

You know, I hear... That's good, but I hear that Bi -World has twice as many

rides.

All right, when you like someone, the first thing you do is you hang out in

land, right? And you get to know each other, you go to the movies. Then you

to decide, do you take the on -ramp to Relationship City? But you don't have

much time. Three dates, that's it. If both parties fail to merge, you've

your exit, and you're out of gas in Friendville.

Then you have to call the AAA guy to tell you back to Lonely Town. That's

Wow, you really are cousins, aren't you?

But you know what?

Spence is right. And when you're right, you're right.

That's it. I am tired of taking the bus.

From now on, I am driving. Put it in gear, girl!

All right, boys!

Yeah, and there will be no mistaking my intentions this time. I'm going to take

her to a nice, quiet spot where we can talk.

I'm sorry!

Same for me, but lots of vodka in mine.

You know, we could leave. I just really wanted to come someplace and talk.

Oh, no, we can talk here.

Okay.

I'm a little bit confused about what's going on with us, you know? I just want

to set things straight, okay?

Um, here goes.

I've lived in Friendville all my life.

I'm not the best driver, because I go very slowly, and I look in the rearview

mirror a lot.

Boy, this vodka's good.

You haven't had a step. Well, then you know it's good.

Where was I?

Drinking, driving.

Excuse me.

Do you want to dance, or are you two together?

That's eight bucks total.

Are these together?

Just a second.

Look, I don't know what this is, but I was kind of hoping that we were... Well,

I don't know, because I was hoping that... Well, you asked me out for

and that's it, so... Well, I know I was nervous, and I haven't done it in a long

time. Yeah, but you brought Mara to the movies. Well, I know, because I didn't

want to be pushy, and you said that you really hated pushy people. But you let

Mara drive me home. Okay, Mara's pushy.

You know, plus, she was supposed to cut out when I gave her the signal, and I

forgot the signal.

Where's this Mara chick? Maybe she wants to dance.

I'm new at this, so I don't know the do's and the don'ts and the signals.

We're together.

Well, hi, I'm Laurie.

Hi, I'm Ellen.

You want to go somewhere else?

Okay.

So this is a date?

Yeah, I hope so.

Especially since I've never dated a wild animal.

drapes, Joseph, and the best part is I should have just enough fabric left over

to make you a darling little apron.

Well, the city code says it can't be flammable, so why don't you take in the

back and see if you can light it on fire.

Okay.

Hot cup of Joe, can I help you?

No, sir, you have the wrong number.

Hot cup of chat.

Can I help you?

Uncle Chad!

Hi, how's everybody up in Toronto?

You're kidding.

Los Angeles airport.