Original subtitles

Yes. Yes, Dad, I called your plumber.

Yeah, Big Tony.

He's kind of busy right now, but I'm first on his list once he passes his

stone.

So what about my disposal?

Yes, I have a broom.

Of course I have a broom.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, all right.

Well, so far it just looks like a tragic witch accident.

The disposal's broken again.

Spence, Dad says hi.

Spence waves hi.

Sometimes you have to jiggle it.

Shut up! Shut up!

Sometimes you don't.

Dad, do you still have that really short housekeeper?

It's Howdy Doody time.

Ellen, you missed the best gay charity hoedown ever.

Yeah, where were you, Miss Antisocial?

I'm not antisocial. I would never go to a hoedown unless it was for a really

good cause, like ridding the world of hoedowns.

Ellen, you've got to start mixing it up.

I mean, coming out of the closet is fine, but occasionally you have to come

of the house.

Oh, no, uh -uh. Last time I did that, I saw my shadow. We had six more weeks of

winter.

I get out plenty, Peter. Don't worry about me. Oh, Ellen, my brave little

-in. Come here.

I brought you something from today's festivities.

A goodie bag!

Oh, a goodie! A bag!

There's stuff in it.

Yeah, it's a complete kit of everything you need to be gay.

It's funny. I thought I had all that on me.

Let's see. There's a rainbow air freshener.

It smells... It smells gay.

There's a Gertrude Stein kitchen magnet.

And... A gay yellow pages? There's a gay yellow pages?

Wow, even my yellow pages are out.

My almanac is not living a lie.

Now, Ellen, don't make fun. The gay community yellow pages represent an

important step in our empowerment.

It also reflects the colorful panoply of gay -owned businesses.

We're not all hairdressers and florists.

Well, there's a lot of men here.

people. Wow.

Check out the abs on that mortician.

Ooh, you could die and go to heaven.

I don't know, there's something weird about it. Very, very separatist. You

I mean, what do I care who my mortician sleeps with?

Okay, bad example.

Ellen, this is about getting involved in your community.

Yeah, and you just bought a house, so you must have 101 things you need done.

Well, I could use a plumber. I need to get my disposal fixed before my party on

Saturday.

Hello, plumbers.

Oh, I know him.

Yeah, he's in my clog dancing class.

I don't know. It seems... Oh, come on, Ellen.

The man has been keeping our people down long enough.

Together we stand.

Divided we fall.

Queer nation, one and all.

The last time, Audrey, you were not a lesbian.

Only because of my insatiable appetite for men.

I guess I could use your friend.

My mom has those same earrings.

She had to wear them there.

So, Ellen, how many people are expected at Saturday's soiree?

Well, just the two of you and then Paige and Joe.

But once this place gets a -rockin', no tellin' how many cops will show up.

Michael, why don't I invite some of my friends Saturday and we can use the

as a way to introduce you to the community?

Oh, Ellen, this is so exciting. It'll be like the Prince is ballin'. You're the

gay Cinderella.

And you're dopey.

That's a different movie, silly.

Oh, don't I know it.

So, finally, a chance to break out my chips and salsa sombrero.

Hey.

A little south of the border touch from the People's Republic of China.

Okay, so what's up with this gay plumber? He's an hour late.

I wish you would stop calling him that.

What? Gay plumber? I mean, we don't call you hetero Paige.

No, but tonight around your new friends, I wouldn't mind if you did.

Didn't I tell you? We're raffling you off.

A little help here.

Joe's back with the beer.

Joe's here. Come on in.

Can't drink it all myself.

Sure you can. Remember last Canadian Remembrance Day?

Actually, no.

Here's an interesting little brew. Fire Island Lager.

There's two men kissing on the label.

Peter sent me to a gay -owned microbrewery. Had to go through a pretty

part of West Hollywood to get it.

Gay beer? Who knew they had gay beer?

Oh, look, there's a recipe on the back for beer -based salmon kebabs and a

cilantro sauce.

This is not half bad, and I'm secure enough in my manhood to say that.

You know what would go really good with this? Gay beer nuts.

appreciate everything y 'all are trying to do, but I wish you would stop

assuming that everything is tied to my sexuality.

Well, you're the one who went out and hired a gay plumber.

It was Peter's friend. It's no big deal. And besides, a plumber is a plumber.

Hi, I'm the plumber.

Hey, look, I'm a winner.

Two free tickets to Lord of the Dance.

You're back in business. The disposal's purring like Eartha Kitt. Oh, well,

thank you.

Thank you so much. And, you know, later on I'm having a little party. I think

half your clog dancing class is going to be here. Thanks, but I have plans.

Oh.

Do you take checks, or should I stuff money down your pants?

I'll bill you.

Okay. You have a great party. Okay. Bye.

Bye -bye.

Haven't seen you here before.

I'm Ellen.

Hmm? Me?

Ellen.

Ellen's my name.

Spelling's my game.

Not saying it's a great game.

Hell. You need to work on your Mac.

My what?

Your rap.

You should try something like, hey, baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet,

like to put I next to you.

Who am I, Billy Dee Williams?

I can't believe I have to work tonight. The whole reason I went to medical

school was to tell people I was a doctor at parties.

That and my almost religious fascination with Doc on the love boat.

I was looking for that water.

Hey, big Tony, come on in. Hey, look at you, little Alan.

How are you feeling?

Well, I finally got rid of that kidney stone, but you probably heard the

screaming.

I haven't seen you since your goldfish died and got stuck in the toilet.

Goldie?

My parents told me they sent him off to a nice fish farm in Montana.

Anyway, I have friends coming in a half an hour, so if we could just hurry.

Yeah, don't worry. I'll help you out of here in no time.

Hello, hostess with the mostest.

Oh, plan diggers.

Someone's going retro.

And someone's here a half hour early.

Ellen, this is Amy. Amy, Ellen.

Hi, how are you? Ellen.

I, uh, brought you a little something for your house. Oh, how kind of you.

you.

Oh, it's a rainbow flag.

And it's actual rainbow size.

The rainbow is a sign of unity for gays of all sexes, creeds, and colors.

Well, it's also a sign that it's raining and the sun is still shining.

Amy, you'll be pleased to know that Ellen used a plumber from our Yellow

Ah. Yes, I did. Oh, what a tremendous help that was.

Yeah. I used to just pick my service people willy -nilly, and now I get a

glimpse into the bedroom.

Why don't I go chill the champagne?

Uh, no, no. Um, I mean, um, I have a very sophisticated alarm on my

refrigerator, so I should... What?

that sound?

Uh, my kitchen. I have, uh, the radio's on. I'm listening to NPR.

They're doing a special on, um, seals.

Oh, they're getting to the sad part.

Um, I should, uh, turn it off.

Would you please clang a little quieter? That's like asking a puppy not to

frolic.

help, thank you, but you know what you could do is you could fold these napkins

into the animal of your choice.

The kitties. Perfect.

Oh, boy.

Hey, where's the cute plumber?

That's him.

He let himself go after you left.

That's my dad's plumber. The other guy didn't work out.

I can't believe you. I schlep all the way to Encino to get you gay ice and you

hire a straight plumber.

Paige, there is no such thing as gay ice.

I stand corrected.

Look, Peter and his friends don't know that I strayed from the flock, so please

don't mention anything about Big Tony.

Oh, gee, what am I going to talk about if I can't share my Big Tony stories?

Thank you.

Oh, I know that's the hand wiping that follows a job well done.

I have to get a part from the van.

Nice cherub.

Ellen! Hey, if anybody stops you, keep it to two topics. Fashion and Liza's

brave struggle.

Ellen, people are showing up. Come greet.

Oh, that is the cutest ice sculpture.

Let me bring everyone in to see it. No, no, no.

It's not an ice sculpture. That's the scary thing. I just found it in my

freezer. It formed from the frost.

believe it's an act of God.

Or the devil.

Quiet under there, Big Tony.

Give me that.

What did I tell you?

No dessert until you finish your plumbing.

and you're missing all that fun. You've been in the kitchen for an hour.

See who doesn't mingle, die single.

Every time I turn the TV, some woman is kissing some man.

I have nothing against what they do in their home, but I shouldn't have to

it.

Sorry. Sorry.

Senor Crunchy? They're Nacho Ranch.

No, thank you. I'm boycotting. Excuse me.

Girlcotting.

Senior Crunchies has repeatedly denied benefits to same -sex partners.

But they're cornelicious.

Okay, check out that one. She's just a little husky to be wearing lace hose.

Her legs look like dolphins struggling to get out of a tuna net.

Oh, Breanne, I'm... It's obvious you could get any guy that you want. I

How did you decide that you were gay?

High school, after a swim meet, I looked across the locker room and there was

the sexiest woman on the entire team smiling back at me.

It was me in the mirror.

Oh, my God, the same exact thing happened to me, only it didn't make me

I just bought more mirrors.

So, I blew past the defenders, juked the goalie, slap shot,

Goal. That's when I fell in love with the sport of field hockey.

You are aware, Joseph, that your anecdotes, though highly amusing, will

these women find you attractive in that way.

Get lost, Audrey. They think I'm a chick.

I know it's hard to keep up with all the companies that are fighting our cause.

If you'd like, I will search your home and alert you to any product that is

by a gay, unfriendly company.

Oh, thanks, but I hired a straight company to do that for me.

You know, that's another thing, Ellen. You really shouldn't use the word

straight. It implies that gay people are somehow crooked or bent.

Well, what about the word gay? I mean, that's a lot of pressure to be happy and

cheerful all the time.

Although I see it didn't touch you at all.

Ellen.

Look who popped in.

Oh, no, you're not supposed to. What are you doing here?

And by that, she means welcome.

What can I get you to drink? Just some water. But I know where the kitchen is.

No, no, no. You know where the best water in the house is? In the bathroom.

That's what delicious, tasty, tasty water. The people that used to live here

come and fill up their canteens all the time.

Attention, attention, everyone.

I would like to propose a toast to our new sister, Ellen.

Remember, as John Kennedy might have said, had he been gay, that's not what

gay community can do for you. Ask what you can do for the gay community.

Well,

thank you very much.

And I promise to have a lesbian on the moon this decade.

and if Jerry Falwell has anything to do with it, we'll have all of them on the

moon.

Right on, sister!

Seriously, I want to thank Barrett and Peter.

Where's Peter?

Oh, he's in the kitchen. He's opening another bottle of wine. No!

No, no, I wanted to open the right bottle. I have a gag bottle of pop -up

snakes, and I don't want to pick that one, so I'll just...

You can't be in here.

Okay. Why?

Because this is Agent Markowitz, CIA.

He's sweeping the place for bugs, just because last week, I just, I didn't tell

you, I started dating Candace Gingrich.

Well, Agent Markowitz here was just explaining how I can adjust the water

pressure on my dishwasher.

It's top secret.

Right. I'll be back.

I, uh... I have to call headquarters on the thermos phone.

Hey, you got me.

It's my dad's plumber. He's not gay.

But in his defense, I bet he doesn't do so well with the ladies either.

So is this why you've been acting so odd tonight?

Well, yes. I don't want people to think I don't support the community. I do.

But, you know, I can't keep up. It's overwhelming.

I can't keep up with the bumper stickers and the flags and the gay bakeries and

the lesbian -friendly furniture polish.

Some of my friends can be a little bit rigid, but that's just their way of

finding unity in the face of oppression.

Well, I appreciate that, but I came out so I could be who I am, and I'm not

about to change so I can please other people.

Ellen, the only reason I've been bugging you to get more involved is because I

wanted you to know that there's a whole support system out there, people just

like you.

The person you are is wonderful.

Thank you, Peter.

And the good news is that you can be any kind of gay person you want to be.

Really? Well, I'm going to take my clothes off and get my guns.

but I'm keeping my fingers crossed for next week. A busload of us are chaining

ourselves to the corporate headquarters at Senior Crunchy's.

Well, wear something comfortable.

Oh, I don't have to tell you that.

Danny, what are you still doing here?

I was picking up a few pointers from an old pro.

Okay, kid. Go outside and turn the water back on. Sure.

Do you remember what I told you?

It's righty -tighty -lefty -loosey?

There you go.

He's got to be glad he's not a heart surgeon.

He reminds me a little of myself when I was first starting out.

Yeah, you can see that.

Too obsessed with my social life and not focused enough on my trade.

Man, I was boy crazy.

Yeah, well, I... What?

It wasn't until I moved in with Frank that I got real serious about my job.

Frank, the electrician that worked on my dad's house?

I saw you give him flowers one day, but I thought it was just a union thing.

Together for 18 years in March.

I think it's best if we don't mention this to your father.

Our Kiwanis picnic is coming up in a few weeks, and him and I are partners in

the three -legged race.

So, wow, wow. Well, how come you don't advertise in the gay yellow pages?

You really want to see me in a Speedo?

Come on. I mean, no.

Action. Some of my friends can be really rigid, but that's just their way of

finding unity in the face of adversity.

Mm -hmm. Well, I appreciate that.

But that's just their way of finding unity in the face of oppression.

I'm sorry. It's not funny.

I came out so I could be who I am, and I'm not about to change to...