Original subtitles

We have everything we need to cook dinner? We have sauce and spaghetti and

think I have water at home.

Hello.

Hello.

Somebody just got off the boat from Kansas.

Hi.

Hi.

Wow, they're friendly here, huh?

What, can't say hello?

Hey, you guys.

Well,

Ellen, I guess it's no surprise to see you here.

Yeah, since I stopped hunting, I have to grocery shop a lot more often.

Come on, Ellen.

You can buy plums anywhere, but at Rogers Market, the special is dates.

What? This is where the gay community comes to schmooze and cruise.

And where you might just find your own very special lady.

Well, no, I'm just here to pick up groceries. The only lady I'm taking home

Aunt Jemima.

In case you change your mind, let us fill you in on the code.

All right.

All the clues are in your cart. Small cans mean the person is single. Cooking

for one. Right. And large cans mean a committed relationship.

Or an eating disorder.

Either way, it's trouble.

Now, if you want to meet someone, you accidentally bump their cart.

Uh -oh.

Malomars and Stoli.

Someone's nursing the wounds of a love gone wrong.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

You know what? If you need me, I'll be in the makeup aisle. I'll be the one

without the Adam's apple.

That's a good one, Paige.

Okay, well, thanks for your tips on the code and everything, but I'm not going

to bring home anything that doesn't fit in this basket.

Well... Don't go looking for a gymnast, Audrey.

Suit yourself.

Come on, Audrey.

Oh, remind me to buy confetti. I realize this morning I'm all out.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Don't I know you? No, that was an innocent bump. I swear.

You live on Citrus, right?

Yeah. I live right across the street. In the brown house?

That's funny. I was just yelling at a squirrel. It was in your yard the other

day, digging up some flowers. Get away!

You know, so that was me. I'm Ellen. I'm Erin.

Ellen, this is Dina, my roommate. Hi. Hi.

Hi. We're neighbors, right?

Yes. Yeah, I've seen you watering your lawn. You get up pretty early. Yeah,

well, that's because I use my neighbor's hose.

Nice to meet you. You too. All right, well, catch you in the hood.

Ellen,

don't waste your time. Two women, one part.

No, they just said they were roommates.

Oh, Ellen.

Ellen. Ellen.

Don't tell me another code.

You're catching on. Roommate means the same as partner or companion or friend.

Friend? Really?

Wow. How come the Baptists aren't boycotting that show Friends?

Hi, Ellie.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad.

I hope we're not interrupting anything.

No, the stewardess has just left.

I thought you were all coming by yesterday.

Oh, well, we did, but then we saw an El Camino parked out front, and we thought

we'd better come another time.

Ellie, we finally picked out your housewarming gift. Huh?

Long darts.

Kids love them.

You know what they love more is that fun ride in the ambulance.

You know, they're illegal. Your father had to get them through the black

I felt just like the guest villain on Barnaby Jones.

Hey, Uncle Harold. How's life at the hospital?

Got a raise?

Yeah. I guess this is as good a time as any.

Al, I'm going to start looking for a place of my own. You're not moving out.

You're moving out?

Oh, this will be tough on us, I know. But probably the quicker you get out,

easier it will be for us, huh?

I guess having your cousin around kind of cramped her style.

No, no, no, it hasn't. It's prevented me from developing one.

I'll see you guys later. Okay, bye.

No hurry, but there are boxes in the garage.

Now, honey, aren't you just a little nervous being in this big house all by

yourself? No, I've got pepper spray.

Actually, it's a pepper mill, but, you know, anybody tries to mess with me,

Gesundheit, baby.

Hey, come on, Lois, let's break in those lawn darts. Okay, but underhand only.

Remember, that's how we almost lost Grandpa.

Hi. Hi. We thought it'd be nice if we came over and officially welcomed you to

the neighborhood.

You're right. That is nice. Well, you know, we know how hard it is when you

first move into a new place to meet people, so... Here you go. Oh, so you're

saying it's easier if I get drunk?

Hi. Hi.

We live across the street. Oh, hi. This is Dina and Aaron. These are my parents,

Harold and Lois. And from this point on, know that anything they say, they mean

well.

So you're roommates, then?

Yeah. Yeah, they're, uh...

They're roommates.

It must be so nice to have someone to come home to. Yeah, Ellie, you should

yourself a roommate.

Yeah, maybe I'll go to a roommate bar and try to get one.

You know, we have a friend we should introduce you to. Are you thinking...

Sherry. That would be perfect.

Yeah, I think you two would hit it off. She's nice, easygoing, funny.

Sherry Belafonte? Are you talking about Sherry Belafonte?

Would you like to meet her? Oh, yes, she would. She'd love to. You know, she's

coming over to our place tomorrow at about 7. She could just pop over here

afterwards. Oh, that'd be perfect. Great, we'll set it up if that's okay.

Is it all right with you?

Is it my turn?

No.

Yeah, sure, I guess that's fine.

Hey, do you all want to come in?

Oh, no, thank you.

We're going to go to kickboxing.

Well, that's what I was going to invite you in for.

Bye.

Bye -bye.

Thanks for the wine.

Honey, isn't this wonderful? A roommate. And you know, if this works out, you

might want to even have two roommates. Wouldn't that be fun?

Yeah, that'd be more than fun. That'd be an adult film.

When they said roommate, they meant more like the odd couple, like Oscar and

Felix, if they were women and doing it.

You just set me up on a date.

Oh, I see.

What did it mean when they said kickboxing?

She's going to be here any minute. You better get dressed.

I am dressed.

Oh, Ellen, save some of that wit for your lady friend.

Ellen, I know you haven't been working and you're too proud to ask, but would

you like to buy some of my clothing?

I'm dressed.

This is what it looks like when I'm dressed. When I'm naked, I don't have as

many pockets.

Honey, those are not day clothes.

Honey, this is a casual thing.

She's going to come in. We're going to say hi. We'll exchange information. I'll

offer her a drink and some crackers. She'd get the same treatment if she were

donating blood.

Ellen, blind dates are delicate. It is all about first impressions.

This is the time to pull out the big guns.

I remember my first date with Louis, that actor from the Shakespeare

To set the mood, I hired a troupe of minstrels to serenade us with an

Elizabethan version of Louie Louie.

You know, I was thinking about doing something like that, too, and then I

remembered I'm not insane.

Well, my work here is done.

Good luck with your Chevy Amour.

Okay, and good luck with your Chevy Vega.

Stop, please.

Okay, if you're going to wear this, at least unbutton one button. Forget it.

Listen to me, okay?

This is the first date button, and this is the second date button. Although, if

things are going well, this could be the first date button. You never can tell.

Why don't I just borrow your Velcro pants?

You know, I really wish that you would let me help you out with this.

It feels like you have this whole new life, and you're just squeezing me out

it. It is not a whole new life. It is the same old life.

No, something's changed.

I mean, you're always hanging out with Peter and Barrett doing the gay thing.

No, Peter and Barrett do the gay thing. I hang out with them before or after.

Paige, this is crazy. I am exactly the same person that I was before I revealed

my whole life has been a sham.

Maybe you don't notice it, but you have changed.

Really? Okay.

How? Tell me one way I've changed. Well, you have strange women coming to your

house. No, that's not true. Audrey has been here a thousand times.

Oh, that's her. I'll sneak out the back. No, come on. Stay. Hang out. Come on.

You're my best friend. She's a stranger. Please, have a drink with us.

You really want me to?

Yes, yes. And if things go well, I'll send you out for ice.

Well, she knows how to push buttons.

Oh, I always hoped I'd meet a girl just like Mom.

Hi, I'm Sherry.

Oh, that's right. Dina and Aaron said you were going to come by. I totally

forgot.

I should have changed, but... Hi, I'm Ellen, and this is my friend Paige.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Dina and Aaron said that you were great.

Oh, just a first impression.

Love your house.

It's so comfy.

Well, I'm having a lot of fun fixing it up. Well, paying people to fix it up,

but they seem like they're having a lot of fun. You know, singing the railroad

songs when they work and everything.

Feel free to look around.

Looks like someone's into music as much as I am. Well, what can I say? I'm a

slave to the rhythm.

Actually, I gave her a lot of those CDs.

Really? Al Green, Radiohead, Christopher Cross.

That one she bought. Yeah, I belong to a CD club. It was sent by mistake. No, I

love Christopher Cross. Me too. I saw him at the Hollywood Bowl in 12th grade.

It was so cool when he bit the head off that bat.

I actually took Ellen to one of her first concerts. Remember that? Those

the days, huh? Oh, yeah.

It wasn't that good of a concert, though. It was Tony Randall and Don.

Aaron said you were funny.

For me, that is the most important.

Quality in a person. Well, yeah, that and a kick -ass set of wheels.

Do you want some wine?

Oh, yeah, that's thoughtful, sure. Okay.

Well, you guys obviously have a lot to talk about, so I'll just... I'll take

off. Okay. I thought you were going to hang out.

No, no, I'm... If I don't use my credit card every six hours, the bank gets a

little nervous.

So, uh, it was nice meeting you.

She's great, you know?

Huh. Well, why don't you leave through the kitchen? That way I can return that

sweet potato you lent me.

I'll be right out, okay? All right, thanks.

Now what's wrong?

You know what? This is not your problem. It's me. It's all me.

I can't help it. I get uncomfortable around you when you are talking with

that way.

What way?

You know what way. You know the winks and the vibes back and forth, all the

little signals.

Oh, see, you totally misread that. I just wanted her to bunt.

I'll send Sherry home so we can talk, all right?

No, no, that's okay. I don't want to spoil your evening with your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend. I just met her.

Fine, roommate, partner, whatever you girls call yourselves.

The point is, I'm in the way.

I mean, it's obvious that this girl is really into you, and I'm sorry, but it

hard for me to watch.

Watch? Watch what? Watch me make a new friend?

You know, I would like to think that you would be happy for me. It would be nice

for me to have, like, one gay woman friend.

Ellen, you know that's not what this is.

I'll be right out. How you doing? Okay? All right.

Look, she's just a woman I am meeting for the first time.

Nothing is going to happen. I have never been the kind of person that would just

jump into bed with someone, and being gay has not changed that.

And I really hope that you get past this soon, because this is causing big

problems for us.

Yeah, I hope so, too.

Hey. Hi, I'm Sherry. Hi, Sherry. I'm Spence.

So, who are you?

I'm sorry. I'm meeting Ellen about renting a room. My friends across the

told me that she was looking for a roommate. Oh, roommate.

I thought she wanted to live alone.

Oh, I hope not.

I'm a massage therapist, and this would be a great house to work out of. I was

living with my boyfriend, but then we had this really ugly breakup, so...

my advice is to lay on the charm. Yeah, you're only shot as if you really

connect with her. Oh. Or if you're her cousin.

Thanks, I'll work on that. Oh, hey.

I'm also looking for a new boyfriend if you know of anybody who isn't a lying,

cheating pig.

Might want to do a little healing first.

Well, I'd better get back out there. Any longer, she'll expect a pot roast.

You all right?

No, but go ahead.

Finish your wine. I'll call you later.

Is that wine?

I was about to come in there and help you stomp the grapes.

Yeah, no, I wasn't making it.

Are you okay?

No, I, uh, yeah. I mean, I'm just... You ever feel like when you finally get

comfortable with who you are, your friends decide that's not who they want

to be?

Maybe you need a new friend.

Maybe.

I don't know. I'm just a little on edge.

Oh, I can fix that. Let me rub your neck.

I'm an expert.

Oh, no, not necessary.

No, I like being on edge. It's what kept me alive and now.

Come on, it'll feel great.

The last person who told me that was trying to sell me a thong.

Ooh, okay, yeah.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I'm certainly relaxed now.

Shh, shh, shh. No talking.

Come on, loosen up.

I'm loose. What are you kidding? I'm loose as a goose. Or any other kind of

animal that might be loose, like a boneless chicken.

You know what? These lights aren't helping any. Let me set the mood.

Oh, that's where all the trouble starts on those after -school specials.

So, where were we? Well, I was thinking we were thirsty, so why don't we have

that wine after all, huh? Okay, absolutely, but you should know

goes straight to my head. Oh, maybe you have too much then.

Oh, this is so good.

Isn't it good? It's like eating a grape and kissing an alcoholic.

You know, I gotta tell you, Ellen, being here with you feels so comfortable.

Good. We should drink a toast.

Okay, to comfortable things, like personal space and those tissues with

on them.

I really like you, Ellen. Well, I like you too, Sherry.

So, I guess this means that we're going to do this.

That depends on how much more of this you had in mind.

It's obvious that you and I would work out fine.

As long as there's no problem with the bedroom.

Remember that comfortable feeling we were talking about a minute ago?

Well, it's just that I need to know now because I have an appointment with

another woman later tonight.

I bet you had a nickname in high school.

I don't mean to be pushy, but I want to move in right away.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I can give you first, last, and a cleaning deposit.

Oh, and you would do that because you would be my roommate.

Yeah, I love this neighborhood. I was going to move in with Dean and Aaron,

Aaron's boyfriend decided to move in, so this would be the next best thing.

What do you think?

You know, I try not to think that much because it gets in the way of my doing

senseless acts of beauty.

Please say yes.

Oh, boy, there's been a terrible misunderstanding. I don't want you to

Why not?

That's the whole thing about misunderstandings, is that you can't

Look, I can't let you move in because, well,

because she's my girlfriend.

Paige, I couldn't leave.

I'm sorry that I was spying, but...

I cannot share you with another woman.

Darling.

You can't?

No, I've been thinking a lot about us, and I realize that I've been unfair to

you.

Good, I'm glad you finally realized that.

Yeah, I've been so stupid. I'm the one who needs to change.

Okay, so you'll accept me for who I am?

Yeah.

Can you forgive me?

I don't know.

The heart is such a fragile organ.

Think back.

We were friends long before we were...

lovers.

I know how difficult that word is for you to say.

But how I long to hear it. Please say it again, Paige.

No.

Please, please, for me. It hurts too much. Oh.

It's almost as if I'm hearing it for the first time.

Okay. Lovers. That's what you want me to say, right?

Lovers!

I love you, damn it.

Oh, Paige, you wild, impetuous fool.

But when you said friend, you meant friend.

Yes, yes, yes. I know how confusing it can be. You wouldn't believe how often

people make that same mistake.

I'm sorry, Sherry.

As you can see, Ellen and I are deeply, deeply in love.

Stop.

Yeah, we got it bad and that ain't good.

So I guess you say I won't be needing a roommate after all. Oh, please. Geez, I

understand. I mean, it's obvious. You two belong together. Hey, honey, I

see you come in.

So,

when are you moving in?

Actually, um, I gotta go.

Let the three of you do whatever it is that you do.

Bye.

Was that your tongue?