Original subtitles

Okay, people, now we're going to visualize.

We're in the south of France, riding past a small farm.

Everybody, see the farm.

Ellen, what are they growing?

What does it matter? They put sauce on everything anyway.

The fields are rolling past us. The people are waving. What are they saying?

They're saying, Viva la tubulis!

Very good, Ellen.

They're urging us to go faster.

Oh, how sweet. They're offering us bread and cheese.

Thank you, but we have no baskets to put your gifts in.

No, merci beaucoup.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was thinking about trying this spinning thing, you know, strengthening

my cardiovascular.

What's the matter, big guys in the weight room again?

All right, everybody.

Pick it up a little.

What's going on? Ever since you quit the bookstore, you've been, like, obsessed

with exercise.

I'm not obsessed.

But, you know, since I saw G .I. Jane, I'm thinking about becoming a Navy SEAL.

After the class, I'm going to try balancing a ball on my nose.

Well, I'm just saying you haven't even started looking for work, Al. I'm going

to look for work. I just want to get buff first.

Why? So you can get a job as a superhero?

Yeah, and you can be my doofy sidekick.

Okay, everyone.

We are now charging the hill.

Come on, Alan.

We're racing to the top. Yeah.

You give me the slow bike.

We're almost there.

Al, hey, mine won't go.

Adjust the resistance.

All right!

Woo!

Woo!

Wow.

That wasn't so tough.

Well, you should try the advanced class. They pedal for 40 seconds.

Thanks, everybody.

Really good class.

Hachimama, she's a babe.

She's not a babe. She's a fitness professional.

You don't just hop on a bike one day and start pedaling.

It's a long, hard road from teaching funk aerobics.

Yeah.

I'm still saying she's a babe.

She's a babe who likes other babes. No.

Get out.

Proof? It's just a feeling I get.

That and the bumper sticker on a car that says, Honk if you're a lesbian.

Hey, Ellen.

Looking good.

You think tomorrow's in time? Yeah. Hey, I'll bring the donuts.

Oh, look at that. That's interesting.

What? No, no, no, no, no. That's not... It's the opposite of interesting. No,

that's... See?

I just dozed off. Uh -huh, really?

I completely understand why you come here eight times a week now.

I don't come here.

Because at least I come here because I want buns of steel. That way I can keep

my pants off with kitchen magnets.

Yeah, right. Just like I don't take yoga because the Baywatch girls are in the

class with me. You know, I don't think pressing your nose up against a glass

qualifies as taking yoga.

What flavor is that?

Green.

Green is not a flavor, it's a color. Really?

Taste.

Well, that taste, that's green.

I wonder if Wendex Flu is any good.

Well, if it isn't, you can shine up the chrome on Lisa's bicycle.

Do you really think I'm coming here spending hours every day doing something

don't want to do just to impress a woman? Yes.

I'm so proud of you. Come here.

You know, I've been there, and if it wasn't for Paige, I'd be there.

And there, and there, and there.

And hello, honey.

Hi.

Are you here for aerobics?

No, I have an appointment. I'm meeting my boss at 2 o 'clock so she can beat me

at racquetball.

Racquetball? You just spent all that money learning to suck at golf.

True, but see, my contract's up next month. And after the game, I'm going to

hang out in the locker room. Because once you see your boss naked, you have a

leg up in negotiations.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how Ed McMahon kept his job with Johnny all the

time.

Look at that. She's cute, huh?

Spence. How many times do I have to tell you I entertained a notion once when I

was drunk, but I am not going to do it?

Excuse me. No, no, no. Not for us. For Ellen.

Oh. She likes her?

Really likes her. She really likes her? Yeah.

I swear if you tell anybody in study hall, I'll just die.

He's coming his way.

No, I can't get a burger with you guys. No, today it's just gluten and twig tea.

Oh, hi, Lisa.

Hi, Ellen.

What are you waiting for? Go make your move.

I don't have a move.

I didn't know how to do this flirting thing with guys. Believe me, it's not

easier now that I give it down.

From where I'm standing, she's the one doing the flirting.

Yeah, she does pay a lot of attention to me. Yeah.

And I am so darn cute.

Just go up and ask her out.

Paige, look at her. She looks like she dates Olympic swimmers and triathletes

and women with the body fat of a whippet.

Ellen, do not let the fear of rejection keep you from asking that woman out.

Didn't stop the pathetic parade of losers from marching to my door.

You hear that? You're part of the parade.

Wow.

Get on in there.

Right now.

There you go.

Go.

Hey, Lisa.

That was a great class.

That was, boy, that was a good class.

Sorry I flipped off that imaginary guy in the Peugeot, but he was crowding the

bike lane.

Hey, you really get into it. I've never seen anyone work out as hard as you do.

Well, I like to think of my body as a temple, you know.

Except for a brief while in college when I treated it more like an elk's lodge.

Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up. It's definitely working.

Oh, go on. No, really.

You know, you should enter our robust competition.

I don't compete anymore, no.

Not since the dodgeball incident of 72.

You know, they say that Kathy Mason still has Spalding stamped to her

Well, now I just work out for myself.

Yeah, I'm exactly the same way.

Hey, what are you doing on Saturday?

Saturday? Um, I should check my day planner.

Oh, that's right, I was going to buy one. So after that, I guess I'm free.

Great, because I lead a rock climbing group. Do you climb?

Climb?

Do I climb?

How do you think I get free cables?

Because we're going to use them to scale the devil's jawbone.

Do you want to go?

The devil's jawbone? Oh, yes, the old DJ.

Oh, jawbone of the devil. Uh, yeah. Uh, that'd be great. I'd love to. Because

then I can look through the champagne glasses I left up there last time.

You've been there all night? Good work.

You have to do this, you know. Lock climbing is very dangerous. People die

year falling off cliffs.

You watch too many cartoons.

I'm not going to be wearing roller skates with a rocket tied to my back.

Seems like only yesterday Heidi was a little girl.

Look at old Heidi go.

See, I can do this. Look, women were built for rock climbing. We have skinny

feet and very strong fingers.

Hey, don't wrestle me. Come here.

Chicken. Are you sure you're up for this? Out of my way, flatlander.

You know what? I'm going to get a safety harness.

Wimp harness is what us rock climbers call it.

Ellen? Up here. Oh, look at that.

There's work.

Wow, you are good.

Yeah. I'm telling you, I'm a natural.

My great -great -grandmother on my father's side of the family was a billy

That's a good point.

Come on down while someone shows the equipment.

Okay, down might be a problem.

What do you want me to do?

Go to the office and get the manager and ask him to turn off the gravity.

So, how did you finally get down off the wall?

I just got down, that's all.

Someone handed her a safety harness and Heidi poked her with a ski pole until

she let go.

I can't believe you would actually consider climbing a mountain.

Do you remember what happened at camp?

All the girls went out onto this rope bridge hundreds of feet in the air so

we could spit down into the river.

All except Ellen, that is.

Yeah, well, it wasn't because I was afraid. I had spit a bunch of times

that day, and I felt like I had gotten all the entertainment value out of it

that I could.

Thanks, Ellen. You're a homebody. You're not the adventurer type.

Right, and I suppose Eddie Bauer sends his catalog to just anybody?

Listen.

Your coming out was about being totally honest with yourself, right?

Right? Right. Okay.

This, this is about being dishonest. It's about pretending to be something

you're not to impress somebody else.

And you think it's beneath me. No, I just don't think you have the experience

pull it off.

Well, what is wrong with changing for somebody else if it's good for you? I

mean, maybe I'm sick of being a homebody. Maybe I like this new,

fearless person. And I think Letha likes her, too. I think she really wants me

to go.

Well, I tell you, if you're going to fall off a mountain for someone, she is

real... And I think that if I do this off on a date, it may lead to something

more intimate, like a smaller mountain, a hill.

You know?

Maybe eventually a date where you don't have to bring a rope and special shoes.

Wouldn't that be nice?

All right, if you're going to go, I'm going with you, because I've done this

before.

What, pick up a woman or climb a mountain?

Either way, once I'm on top, I beat my chest and yodel.

Okay, Ellen, you're doing good. I got you. Just stay focused.

Okay.

Spider -Man.

Spider -Man.

Spider -Man.

Is there any way you can stay focused without singing?

Quiet is helping me.

Now I've got to start over.

Spider -Man.

Spider -Man.

You okay?

Yes, never better.

I wasn't using the skin on my knees anyway.

How about you? Well, I kind of regret not hitting the devil's restroom when I

had a chance.

I can't believe I came all the way to Yosemite and got you as my climbing

Why can't I have Lisa as a partner? Well, she had to help the beginner.

Maybe it wasn't such a smart idea to claim that you were raised on Gibraltar.

Yeah, well, my first dance thing was Mount Rushmore.

I almost said I lived in Teddy Roosevelt's nose.

You feeling good? You want to lead?

Yes. And this time I won't be kicking pebbles down like someone I know.

The human avalanche. Wow.

Hey.

Alan.

You having fun?

Yeah. What do you think of some mountain yelling? Yahoo!

I'm sure this isn't much compared to Gibraltar. Oh.

Yeah, well, you know, the company's nicer.

And not to denigrate the fine citizens of Gibraltar, they're very hearty and

cheerful people.

Kelly, you really cracked me up.

Well, I'm not always this much fun. I've been pounding beers the whole way up.

Oh, well,

onward and upward.

If anybody needs any help, I'm giving piggyback rides.

What are you waiting for? Why haven't you asked her out? Well, I've been a

little busy, what with the defying death and all.

Well... Well, I'm just saying I think she likes you.

I think so, too. A little while earlier, I think I felt her hand brush against

the back of my leg. Uh, no, that was me.

Thank God. I thought she was kind of hairy.

Yeah.

Why don't you hit that next ledge and go talk to her? Okay. All right? You take

your time. Okay. And if the mountain's, uh, rockin'...

ask you something.

Sure, what?

I'm out of water. Can I get some of yours?

Water, that's easy enough.

Boy, you're a cheap date.

Yeah, I am. I'm a cheap date. Not, not, I mean, not in every sense of the word.

That's delicious.

That is good water. That's just right. Tasty.

And what is that, spring or mineral or filter? Because that is just so perfect.

Not too hard, you know, which is, uh, What is hard water anyway? There's

really... The only true hard water really is ice, which is good, but it's

cold.

You notice I probably... I didn't, uh... I didn't wipe it off, you know, the...

Because I think that's so offensive when people wipe it off, like, my lips

aren't good enough, you know?

But your lips, to me, are A -okay.

So, uh... Uh... So, do you want to go out sometime?

I'd love to go out with you. Oh, great. But I can't. Oh, no.

I'm seeing someone, Ellen. I'm sorry.

I've been seeing her for about a month now, and I feel like she'd really give

a shot, you know?

Yeah, well, yeah, you should. Yeah, probably.

Attaboy, Jerry!

Attaboy, Spence!

Right here, Ellen.

I'll be with you in a minute.

So, uh, so this, um, relationship person, is she on the trip here?

Are you kidding? God, no.

Rachel would never do something like this.

She's a homebody.

Oh, wow, that's funny.

Yeah, I've been involved with other athletic women before, but it just gets

competitive, you know? It just never works out.

Yeah, well, I know what you mean. That's why I had to break it off with that

Romanian weightlifter.

Hey, you made it.

Great.

Okay, we're going to go on the side of this more challenging rock.

Right.

So, are we okay?

Yeah. Good.

See you at the top.

Ellen, could you please come up now?

Sure.

I couldn't hold on much longer.

I'm sorry, I heard.

You were listening? Well, I really wanted to plug my ears, but I needed all

fingers to keep from hurtling to my death.

So, uh, you want to head back? Because I think it's a lot further up and down,

and Lisa said there's some kind of trail if we hit that ledge down there.

Who's Lisa?

I'm proud of you.

I mean, you really put yourself out there, you know? Women can be really

Yeah, I don't know how you guys put up with it.

What's the alternative? Be gay?

Yeah. I'm stuck.

You're going to have to get over her. Time heals.

No, no, no, no. I'm stuck on the rock. Kick the rope free.

I'm a little busy anchoring you right now. You know what you do, El? Let go of

the rock. Swing free. The rope will free itself.

Well, I could just live here.

El, you're going to have to trust me here. Let go of the rock. The rope will

support you.

The rock I trust. It's been here for millions of years. Okay.

This rope was a plant in the Philippines six months ago.

Well, you know what? You don't have any choice.

Okay?

Okay, you got me, right? Yes, I do. You've got to trust me. On the count of

three, you're going to let go of that rocker, right?

Okay. Okay.

One, two... Spence, count to four.

Three, four.

was the bright light and all my dead relatives waving at me.

Hey, there's a trail over there. You want to do it?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's the matter?

Nothing. It's just that, uh, we're climbing to the top.

I might not have a date with Lisa, but I have a date with the devil's jawbone.

Today I'm facing my fears.

As a matter of fact, when I get home, I'm going to wear that pantsuit my

bought me.

I am awestruck.

It's almost spiritual.

Oh, to think that only a handful of people have seen this firsthand.

Well,

it's a big handful.

Look at that. Starbucks.

Frappuccino? Yeah, I'll be there in a minute. I just have to do something