Original subtitles

I'm so glad I could finally get the two of you together. Yeah.

This is great. This is great.

So, Carly, Paige tells me you're a runner.

Yes, I am.

Me too. I run, too. I run a lot. I run... You know when I like to run is in

rain, especially if I don't have an umbrella. Then I think to myself, oh, my

God, it's raining. Run!

Then I just run like the Dickens.

What kind of work do you do?

Oh, well, right now I'm mostly just a stand -in.

You know, in the movies.

Yes.

Just a stand -in?

Please. It is no small feat being the approximate height and weight of an

-nominated actress.

See, I find that fascinating. What exactly does a stand -in do?

Well, you know, usually we just hang out until it's time to go to the set and

get lit.

Hanging out, getting lit. Sounds a lot like college.

I'm sorry.

You're being funny again, right?

Let me think.

Yes. Yes, I was.

Don't worry about it, Carly. Ellen's just sometimes a little hard to

I used to come with a manual.

Lewis, the little actor, he used to come with me.

You know, I need to go use the little girl's room.

Excuse me?

Isn't she great?

She's so innocent.

Yeah. In the sense that she's mentally unfit to stand trial.

Yeah, you know, I appreciate what you're trying to do, setting me up and

everything, but this is not going to work out.

Just give this one a shot, okay?

I'm running out of lesbians.

Well, you know, we're not reproducing like we used to.

Hello, I'm Donnie Ailo, the owner. If there's anything you need, just let me

know. Can we get some more virgin olive oil? This bottle seems a little trampy.

Hi, Ellen.

Dan, I don't believe it.

Hi.

Wow.

Well, Paige, you remember Dan? Yeah, right, Paige. And this is Vince, my

Vince, how are you doing? Nice to meet you. And an old boyfriend.

Wow. It is amazing, Ellen. You haven't changed. You are exactly the same.

Well, well, not exactly.

Well, I gotta tell you, it is so great to see you. And you really, you really

have not changed a bit.

You still have that amazing smile.

Well, I got out of boxing just in time.

Look, come on, let me show you around. Oh, I shouldn't. My date just went off

the bathroom.

Don't worry about it. There's a mirror in there. It'll be a while.

Now, over there is the bar, and through here is the kitchen.

Bernardo, Bernardo, no si, così, rifado.

Ciao.

And, oh, and just for future reference, this is the worst table in the house.

Yeah, they tried to seat it there earlier, but I showed them a little

Mr. Washington.

Wow, I owed you for a dollar?

A quarter. What do you pay these people?

Well, you sure have come a long way since we first met, huh? Yeah, yeah, I

I've, uh...

Grown up a little? And what have you been doing with yourself since we broke

Well, I quit the bookstore.

Oh. I bought a house, and I'm gay.

No kidding. I just got drunk.

Dan, I'm serious. I'm gay.

You are serious.

Well, I hope this didn't have anything to do with me.

Well, no, not unless you played Catwoman on Batman.

Wow.

But you never suspected?

No, no. In fact, for a long time after we broke up, I had this painful image of

you being with another man.

Somehow this image isn't quite so bad.

Wow, so how's it working out for you?

Well, pretty much the same as before, but now instead of not having sex with

men, I'm not having sex with women.

Well, maybe we haven't had sex with some of the same people.

Well,

I'm glad for you, Ellen. I mean, and geez, you sure look happy. Yeah, it's

great. And you know, the best part about it is it's taken five strokes off my

golf game.

Oh, there's my date.

Oh, no wonder you switched teams.

Yeah, actually, they use Carly's picture on all the recruiting posters. That's

how they suck you in.

Wow. It's a tough ride. You don't realize how out of shape you are until

something you haven't done for a while. I know. My thighs haven't had a workout

like this since last time I was with you.

Can I get you something?

Uh, iced tea, please? Yeah, two.

You got it.

Ellen, I'm curious. What kind of woman do you, um, you know, go for? I mean,

what's your type?

I don't have a type. It took me this long to narrow it down to a gender.

Come on,

you gotta have a type.

Well, I guess judging from past experience, my type would be in a

dumb as a stick or sorry from behind you look like a girl.

Well,

take it from a guy who's been doing this a lot longer than you. It's really,

really tough to meet women. No, I hear you, pal.

You know, I was with this one girl.

Beautiful, but new. She actually put on makeup to go to bed.

Yeah, I had to sleep with her twice just so my pillowcases would match.

Women.

Can't live with them. Can't explain to the desk clerk why you only need one

cool talking about this stuff with you. It's like talking to a really pretty

guy.

Yeah, well, if you like talking to pretty guys, you might be gay.

You know, I've really missed this.

You and me just hanging out together.

Me too.

It's great running into you again. Hey,

I'm hungry. I'm gonna get some menus, okay?

I'll go. Look out!

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you restaurant owners sure wear a lot of keys, huh?

Oh, you should have taught me.

I still cannot believe you beat me at bowling. Yeah, well, believe it, Tal. I

told you, I used to be on my college bowling team.

I was going to go pro, but I couldn't put on that extra 40 pounds.

Well, at least I was with the prettiest girl in the bowling alley.

That's just because the sparkly ball brought out my eyes.

Oh, hey.

What are you doing here?

Well, I had a surgery this afternoon, but the guy died this morning, so I got

three -day weekend.

By the way, you are totally out of food.

Sorry. I'm sure they'll have finger sandwiches at the wake.

Um, Ellen, I need to call and check on things at the restaurant.

Do you have a phone? Yes, it's in the kitchen.

Oh,

Carly called.

I wanted to go out with you tomorrow night and see a movie.

Oh, great. Ernest must have a new adventure.

I don't want to go. I have plans with Dan.

Plans? Elle, Carly is the kind of woman you betray your country for. Okay, tell

Dan to take a hike.

I don't want to, and I'll tell you something else. As long as I'm an

you will not work for the State Department.

Hold on. What's going on? Are you guys dating? I mean, what's happening?

Oh, please.

We're just two friends hanging out together.

It's better than dating.

None of that man -woman tension stuff. Although we are still at odds over that

Bobby Riggs, Billie Jean King thing.

I'm sorry, Ellen. I gotta go. My Canadian bacon distributor didn't show

today. Well, I have an old jar of Bacos in the cabinet.

I mean, they're not Canadian, but they've been spending a lot of time next

the maple syrup.

You've got Bacos and syrup?

Okay, so I'll swing by and pick you up at, what, seven tomorrow night? Okay.

Okay.

Hey, Ellen, you know...

Uh,

Ellen, I'll see... I'll see you. Okay, I'll see you later. And thanks again for

sharing your chapstick.

What the hell kind of lesbian are you?

Dan, what are you doing here?

What? I can't leave work early to cook dinner for the woman I love?

Oh, no. Did you bring her home again?

I, uh, I saw the doctor today.

Is something wrong?

No, something is very, very right.

We're having a baby.

Another one. Oh!

I'm the road not taken.

Whatever that means.

Oh.

Oh, thank God.

Why must my dreams be so cryptic?

So, what is this thing you've been hinting about?

Well, I feel a little funny bringing this up with you, but you remember my

boyfriend, Dan?

Oh, I could have called that one.

Tell him I'm flattered that I'm in a relationship.

No, no, that's not it.

You know how there's something that you decide that you don't like anymore, like

a kind of food?

Like chocolate.

Okay, yeah, sure, chocolate.

Anyway, so...

You accidentally have a little chocolate on the corner of your mouth. How do you

accidentally get chocolate on the corner of your mouth?

I don't know. Some clumsy person with a fistful of fudge bumps into you. Anyway,

so... They bump into your mouth?

It happens, okay?

So you have a little bit of chocolate on the corner of your mouth, and you're

like, Hey, that's not as bad as I remember.

You know what I'm saying here?

I'm sorry. I still can't get past the implausibility of your analogy.

Forget about the chocolate. I'm talking about Dan.

Okay, we've been hanging out, and it's been great. It's been really, really

great. And he's great.

I mean, he'd be the perfect man if he were a woman.

You know, medically speaking, that's not impossible.

Dan was over last night, and he... I... We sort of kissed.

Oh, dear.

Yeah. It was a quick kiss, but it was...

I felt something. And if Spence hadn't walked in, I don't know exactly how much

chocolate I would have eaten.

Well, what did you want to happen with Dan?

I don't know. I know that I wanted to kiss him.

And I... Maybe I'm just looking for an easier path. Maybe I haven't met a woman

yet. Maybe it's just because he's so nice and familiar.

But, Ellen, don't panic.

These things aren't written in stone.

Some people are always gay, and some are always straight.

And for others, it changes.

I mean, it's based on who you fall in love with.

Do you think you're in love with Dan?

I don't know. I mean, I like him. I like him a lot.

And I haven't had this kind of connection with anybody in a long time.

Then there's a chance you're attracted to men. You have to be open to that

possibility. No, I'm not open. I'm closed.

The whole men's department was liquidated after years of declining

That's it. I'm just going to cancel my date with Dan.

Ellen, you...

You have been running away from your feelings your entire life. Now, you owe

to yourself to explore this thing.

You have to follow your heart, and that will lead you to the truth of the

matter. Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say. You've never found yourself

attracted to a woman.

Peter, you didn't.

Oh, Ellen, I was in college. It was a crazy time.

It was the early 80s. Depot was hot.

Our fighting boys were over in Grenada, and we all had this...

What the hell attitude.

When will we stop paying the price for that war?

Her name was Sarah, but I called her Sarah Smile.

You know, after the soulful ballad by Hall & Oates.

And she slept with you anyway?

Yeah. But the important thing is that I knew right then and there that women

were not for me.

Although, as I recall, she didn't have any complaints.

What are you doing out here?

Oh, I sit out here every night. This is where I spin my folk tales and do my

Whitlam.

We have to talk about last night.

Oh. Oh, right.

The bowling.

Look, a lot of people keep the shoes.

Talking about the kiss.

Right.

Okay.

Let's talk about it.

Pretty interesting, huh?

Yeah, I...

I hope I wasn't out of line.

No, no, I was right in there with you. I counted four lips all pitching in.

So, what did you make of that?

Well, as I believe I mentioned earlier, I'm gay.

I'm a gay woman.

And kissing boys kind of violates the whole spirit of the thing.

Not to mention I could get cooties.

Yeah, well, it left me feeling kind of confused, too.

I liked it.

And I have to figure out what that means.

Maybe I can help.

I mean, yeah, I mean, we could, you know, explore it a little further just

see if there's anything really to it.

Yeah, well, why not? I mean, I'm not going to kill anybody.

Unless something goes terribly, terribly wrong.

Okay, okay.

I'm going to kiss you now.

You just feel free to put on the brakes whenever you want.

Okay.

Stop.

I'm just testing the brakes.

I want to get to a steep hill and find out they don't work.

Here we go.

Oh, your keys again.

Oh.

Sorry.

You know what?

Could we... Switch? Yeah. Yes, yes. I'm better with the wind at my back. Okay.

Ellen, I'm getting the idea that you're not as into this as I am.

No, what makes you say that?

You were drumming the George of the Jungle theme on my back.

No, I wasn't. It was a wipeout. I start slow.

It's okay.

Let's not kid ourselves. I guess I just don't have it tonight.

No, no, you have it. You're the man, Dan.

I mean, the French are going to start calling it damn kissing.

It's just, it's not working for me.

I'm sorry.

No, don't you get it? This is fabulous. I have no interest in sleeping with you

whatsoever.

Hip hip hooray.

Come on, don't take it personally. I mean, I could kiss 50 other guys tonight

and I wouldn't get anything more out of it. I mean, maybe a cold sore mono or

something.

So I guess we were just, what, confusing friendship for passion?

I think I was.

And it's kind of where we left it two years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah, I believe your exact words were, something is missing.

Mm -hmm.

Only at the time, neither of us realized it was a girl.

You know, you really feel pretty sure about this girl thing, don't you?

Well, all I know is I've only been in love once, and it was with one of them.

So what do we do now?

Well, we go to the concert. I spent 40 bucks on these tickets.

What a guy. You're going to take me anyway, even though I'm not going to put

out?

Wow.

This will be just like prom night.

You know, I got to tell you, for a second there when we were kissing, you

had me fooled.

Well, I was kind of cheating.

How?

Well, in this light, you look a little bit like Elizabeth Hurley.

Hi,

Mary. This is Dan.

Hi, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out on Friday night.

Oh, you are.

So how's it working out for you?

Oh, well, uh, okay.

Good luck. Yeah.

Bye.

Hi, Kathy.

This is Dan.

Hey. Listen, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out on Friday night.

Oh, you are.

So how's it working out for you?

Oh, really?

Really? You and Mary.

Hi, Frank. This is Dan.