Original subtitles

my new display.

Ta -da! I call it our Sisterhood Corner.

Ruby Fruit Jungle, the autobiography of Alice B. Toklas, and the Women's Guide

to Professional Golf.

Why exactly do we need a Sisterhood Corner?

Well, because you proclaim to the world that you're a lesbian, silly.

Audrey, it's a nice display. It is. But I didn't proclaim it to the world. I

don't think I've ever proclaimed anything to anybody. I told it to my

friends. It's my business who I tell and when I tell.

Exactly. Told you you were going a little overboard.

Ellen's a very private person whose sexuality is on a need -to -know basis.

Thank you, Joe. Appreciate it.

Hey, while you're at it, could you erase that chalkboard? I don't think there's

such a thing as lesbolicious coffee.

Here are the Bee Gees.

Three, four.

You know I'm close, I'll keep my promises.

I'll always listen when you talk to me.

I'll always hear you.

Yeah!

This gay Pacino is homo -rific.

But let's just call it cinnamon coffee, okay?

Morning, everyone. Morning, Miss Gibby. Hiya.

Oh, Ellen.

Thank you for volunteering to babysit Emily and Willa this Saturday night. Ah,

what are friends for?

I volunteered to babysit.

Would you please?

This might be our last chance to go out before the new baby, and, well, you know

how much those kids love you. Oh, well, it's my own fault for being so darn

lovable.

Yeah, all right, I volunteered. All right, thank you.

Sisterhood Corner.

Well, Mr. B., thank you for asking.

It's a display to showcase the issues important to lesbian Americans today.

Well, that's very nice.

Could you take it down, please?

Any particular reason why? Well, this is a family bookstore, and I'm afraid our

customers might find it offensive.

I just wanted to talk to you about the sisterhood display outside.

Oh, the lesbian book? Why?

Because Audrey spent a lot of time on it, and, you know, she's so sensitive.

I mean, let's not forget how crushed she was when you took down her America's

Funniest Feline table.

Well,

it wasn't the display so much. It was that stupid cat outfit she was insisting

on. Yeah.

Joe did look ridiculous, but that... This isn't the same thing.

No, it isn't, but let's face it, if we create a special section for those kind

of books, well, it won't be long before this place is crawling with, you know,

who's.

Who?

Well, you know, your Tutti Frutti's.

Ed, that, uh, boy, that's, uh, you know, while certainly very clever, that's

kind of insensitive, don't you think?

Why are you taking this so seriously?

I mean, come on, you gotta admit, that was not your normal book display.

Normal? Hmm, normal. Well, now, some people wouldn't think it's normal to

their desk with a stuffed raccoon and squirrel and mock battle.

You know, it's possible that we have a lot of gay customers.

I don't think so, Ellen.

I happen to be very observant. That's the hunter in me.

Okay, now, you're going to have to help me out here, Ed, because I don't hunt.

If I'm trying to spot one, what would I look for? Like stripes or split

hooves or maybe a yellowish underbelly?

Helen, come on.

You know what I'm talking about. They are just different.

Ah. So if one were standing right in front of you, you'd be able to tell.

Helen, do I look like an idiot?

We'll get to that in a minute.

You really could tell?

Of course I could, and you could, too, because they're not the same as you and

me. Oh.

Well, actually, um, they may be kind of like me.

Like you? No.

Well, I don't think so. Nothing like it. Trust me.

No, Ed. Trust me.

Ellen, what are you trying to say? That you're gay?

I mean, come on. This is how those rumors get started.

so sorry.

Ed, I'm gay. I don't have cancer.

So, is this going to be a problem?

Huh? Oh, uh, no.

No.

Okay. Good. Then we understand each other. Yeah.

Yeah. I just don't understand why you'd want to do this, though. You're so

pretty.

Maybe we don't understand each other.

This is great.

I'm assuming a little more responsibility moving into my own play.

Yeah. No, Ellen doesn't want you in her new house.

Exactly. Bring on the slides.

Okay, so anyway, I didn't finish my story about Ed.

Right, right, right. So Ed apologized and said that Audrey could keep her

book display and then what happened? Right, and then so then I said, no, no,

he... I guess I am finished. All right, should I try on the green one first or

the brown one first?

I hate shopping.

Everything looks so damn good on me.

Oh, I know what it was. He said that I was too pretty to be a lesbian.

They both fit. I'll take them.

Try it on. You always try it on.

I mean, I feel bad. I just, you know, with you just sitting there and I'm just

trying on clothes.

That's what we do all the time. I sit here while you try 10 million things on.

complain. You tell me to shut up. I swear I'm never going to come shopping

you again. This is our quality time. Try it on.

I need shoes.

So I'm going to go find shoes. Do you want to find shoes?

Audrey bagged her first lesbian.

Now all you have to do is tag her ear, slip on her radio collar, and track her

migration.

That was Sarah, Ed's wife. She asked me to do a favor because Ed can't make it

to Emily's career dad school, so they asked me to go in place and talk about

being a bookstore manager.

Well, I'm sure they'll find it as fascinating as we do.

Oh, my God!

Wow,

it's like some sort of gay bird feeder.

How many lesbians?

Four, Joe.

Next, Emily is going to introduce her guest.

Go ahead, Emily.

This is Alan Morgan, one of my best friends.

He's one of my best friends, too.

Hey, kids, stay in school. They love me.

Emily, take it away.

Ellen works for my daddy at Buy the Book. My daddy says Ellen's smart, hard

worker, and, uh, can't think of the word.

Um, trustworthy?

No. Friendly?

Funny? Warm?

Lovable? Lesbian!

My daddy says Ellen's a lesbian.

Any questions?

In your new home. Oh, thank you so much. There's champagne, bubble baths, the

joy of lesbian sex, chocolate.

Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

What? Oh, that. Oh, yeah. Audrey told me the good news.

You know, I made love with a lesbian once.

Well, then you're one up on me.

two -for -one margarita night at the Red Onion. You want to come?

No, thank you. But, you know, thank you so much for everything. I really... I

appreciate it. Oh, you're welcome. Okay.

Uh, hi, Ellen.

Uh, is this a bad time?

No, no. Margaret was just leaving. Ed, Margaret, Margaret, Ed. Hi.

Hi. And, uh, uh, goodbye, I guess.

Well, hi and goodbye, I guess, too.

Uh,

she seems nice.

Oh, that... She's great. You know, I didn't even think this was something I

wanted until I met her.

She must be persuasive.

Oh, boy, she is. But mainly I think it was the slides that did it for me.

Slides? Yeah. I mean, at first I was looking at them thinking, I don't really

know. But then the last one I saw was like, that's what I want.

Actually,

I think I have it here somewhere if you want to go. Oh, no, no, thanks.

So tell me, what do you call her?

Your... Your partner? Your lover?

My realtor.

Oh, interesting. For straight people, a realtor is someone who helps you find a

house. Oh, interesting.

For gay people, it's the same thing.

Oh.

She's your realtor.

Yeah.

Duh.

Listen,

I... I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what happened to you yesterday at

school. It must have been embarrassing for you. Yeah, I never thought I'd be

outed at show and tell.

Yeah, I guess Emily heard me talking to Sarah about it.

I'll tell you what, I don't think they really knew what a lesbian was because

they wouldn't have asked me what a lesbian makes a year and if you have to

college to become one.

Yeah, well, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Oh, oh, by the way, we're not going to go out tonight.

Willa has a touch of the stomach flu, so you don't need to babysit.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope she feels better. I was going to watch

Bambi with him. That always makes me cry.

Tell me about it. The father's a 12 -point buck and he gets away clean.

You know, that joke makes me laugh harder every time you tell it.

A

lot

of memories, huh?

No, I can't find the damn remote.

Great news, Al.

Margaret found me a new place. She said it was perfect.

Oh, good for you. If you need any help moving your furniture.

Oh, no, I can do it in two or three trips, you know.

One if I drive.

You have a fun girl's night out. Oh, bye, Cousin Spence. See ya.

So, why aren't you babysitting? Oh, last time I babysat, they caught me on the

nanny cam finishing off a box of fud fickle.

I'm kidding. Will is sick. They're staying home.

Ellen, I just got a call from my beloved.

Brian wants to take me to an authentic 50s sock hop.

But I said no. Tonight is girls' night, and that is sacred.

Well, I guess that explains why you're dressed like that, huh?

Oh, Ellen, I knew you'd understand.

Bye.

Just the two of us.

Yeah.

It's great.

Paige.

Jacket. Oh, I thought that we would put a seat in between us. You know, that way

we could stretch out.

Oh, I don't need to stretch. I'm limber enough to make it through two hours of

sitting.

Okay. Fine.

Popcorn. One popcorn and one drink.

That's right.

Well, at least let me pay for half.

Don't worry about it. Do something for me later. What do you mean?

Buy me coffee or something. What do you think I meant?

That.

You're having a hard time with this, aren't you?

No, I'm not.

I'm here at the movies with you, and I think that shows how very okay I am with

you being, you know.

An action -adventure fan?

Do you know that?

No, Ed's home with Sarah. Sarah?

Oh!

That's a real fixer -upper, isn't it? Fixer -upper? This place is a dump.

Well, that's what we real estate people call dumps.

So, wait, this is all I can afford?

Well, let me put it this way.

If your credit rating was an apartment, it would be this place.

So I'm screwed.

Royally.

Joseph, what are you doing?

Well, since Ellen has a display for her people, I decided to set one up for my

fellow Canadians.

I've got My Name is Bobby Orr, Legends of Curling, and The History of Maple

Syrup.

working. Hey, Ellen.

How was girls' night?

Oh, great.

You know, Paige didn't want to be seen with me, and Ed, who was supposed to be

home with a sick child, was at the movies.

No, what did he say?

Nothing, maybe because he didn't see me. I'm sure he has a good excuse.

Well, let's find out.

Hey, Ed, how's Willa?

Oh, still suffering from the flu.

I was up with her all night, the poor thing.

Oh, really? It's a shame you couldn't go out then.

You know, it's all part of being a parent. Yeah.

Your witness?

Hey, uh, boy, I hate to bring this up, but I saw you and Sarah at the movies

last night.

Oh.

So, what I'm guessing happened is that, uh, Willa got better and said, Mom, Dad,

you... go to the movies and and then emily said yeah i'll take care of willa

then you said oh but you're seven i'll call ellen and then the kids said yay we

love ellen and then you realized that my phone service probably wasn't hooked up

at my new house so you had to ask the lady next door to babysit even though

front teeth overlap and kind of scare the kids yeah that's pretty much what

happened yeah great i feel better about that knowing that good well that was an

exciting movie wasn't it yeah yeah yeah

Oh, one more thing. I just, and I feel silly asking, but I know if I don't,

it'll bother me all day long.

Ah, no.

If Willa got better, why did you just tell Joe that she's still sick?

Oh.

I, uh, lied.

Okay, good. I'm glad we cleared that up. I told him you'd have a good excuse.

Why did you lie?

Because I didn't want you to babysit my kids.

Why?

Ellen, I have two very impressionable little girls at home.

And I think I have a right to know a little bit about the person who's taking

care of them.

Like, do they take drug? Do they drink? Wait a minute. You're equating me with

an alcoholic or a drug addict? Because, you know, being gay doesn't impair my

driving or the ability to play chutes and ladders.

Look, I don't want to get into a big argument here. I'm just protecting my

From me?

From the things I think are wrong.

And you think who I am is wrong?

I think homosexuality is wrong, yeah.

I think I liked it better when you were lying to me.

Ed, let me ask you a question. What if it... What if it turned out that one of

your kids was gay?

My kids are not going to be gay. We're bringing them up right.

My parents brought me up beautifully.

As beautifully as two insane people can.

You know, you can't control whether your kid is going to be gay or not.

No, but I can control who they're exposed to.

What does that mean? Am I supposed to hide in the office when they come to the

bookstore?

No, I've asked Sarah not to bring the kids here anymore.

Ed, when you look at me, do you see somebody so evil that you've got to keep

your children away from me?

I've got to do what I think is right.

Okay.

If that's how you feel, I don't know if I can work with you.

I heard what happened with Ed.

What a jerk.

Yeah.

I'd get up, but I may brush against you and make you feel weird, so... Okay, I

deserve that.

See, Ellen, you're not the only one who's going through something here.

I mean, I feel like our whole relationship has been a lie.

You know, that you knew this all along, and you couldn't even tell me.

I couldn't even be honest with myself.

How could I be honest with you?

And you know what? This is my nightmare.

It is. That I finally tell people, and the people I care about most can't

it.

No, I didn't say I couldn't handle it.

I just need a little time.

Okay.

Take all the time you need.

How you doing with it now, okay?

How about now?

I'm so sorry.

You're my best friend, and I love you.

Straight, gay, or whatever.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Although I'm not sure what whatever is.

Whatever is what you were last year.

Oh, and listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'd like to change clothes

front of you right now. No, no, no.

Seriously, I would feel so much better if you saw me.

I think this is a good time.

Hey, Al.

Is it okay if I stay with you until I get enough money saved up? No pressure,

because there is an overpass overlooking the 405 that's real cozy.

Take the room at the end of the hall.

Well, if you're going to stay, I've got champagne and pizza and... I know you

had a hard day, but for what it's worth, when I have kids...

I can't think of anyone I'd rather have babysit than you.

Oh, me too. You got it. Me too.

So the idea is that I watch the kids while you all go away for the weekend?

Yeah, sounds great.

We may have to rethink that idea.

I'll get cups for the champagne.

Hard to believe the whole thing's yours, huh?

No, I still can't find that damn remote.