Original subtitles

Previously on Ellen... You're going to be late for your dinner date with your

old college friend, Richard.

Sorry to interrupt.

This is Susan Richmond, my producer.

Hi, Ellen. It was so great meeting you. Hey, you too. I'm glad to stay for

dessert. I feel so comfortable with you.

Yeah, that's how I feel with you. If there's one thing I'm feeling right now,

it's comfortable.

Good thing we're friends, because it could be awkward, you know. Yeah. All

right, then.

Goodbye. Bye.

Nope, not awkward at all.

Who are you talking to? You.

Well, did we just finish up the conversation, or do you want to continue

my room? Richard came on to me when I was in his room.

Really? Did you ever go out with him? I don't date men.

Why? I'm gay.

Has there ever been anyone you felt you clicked with?

And what was his name?

Susan. Why can't I just say the truth? I mean, be who I am. I'm 35 years old.

I'm so afraid to tell people. I mean, I just... Susan, I'm gay.

Hi, I'm Melissa Etheridge, and I'd like to sing my friend Ellen here a song.

Ellen, you're brave to do the things you do.

I think you're smart and cute and funny too.

I'm so proud that I know you.

Oh, yeah.

Go on.

Excuse me, how much are those melons?

Mm -hmm.

I'm sorry, I had something caught in my throat.

Generally, they're 89 cents a pound, but we're running a special this week for

lesbians. 59 cents a pound.

You might want to stock up.

Attention, shoppers. Red tag special in aisle two.

Gay woman in aisle five.

I think he means you.

Ellen, did you see they're having a special on melons?

Excuse me, miss, would you like to try one of our new granola bars? They're the

perfect snack, whether you're on the go or in the closet.

Is he in 29?

Excuse me?

1129.

Please.

Okay.

Would you like paper or plastic, ma 'am?

Paper. Ma 'am, that's nice to hear. Thank you very much.

Thanks. Ma 'am, do you need some help loading that in your gay car?

So, do you think that dream means anything?

Well, let me go out on a limb here.

Yes.

Have you had this dream before?

Oh, no, no, no. I mean, usually I'm at the hardware store having lesbian keys

made up.

Ellen, if you keep this to yourself, you're just going to continue to have

dreams. And then it's going to start showing up in your waking life as these

little clues that get more and more obvious and eventually tiresome.

That makes sense.

So tell me, when did you first realize that you might be gay?

With Susan. I mean, that's the first time, absolutely.

That's the first time I've ever felt this way.

So what do you think is... Well, except for also freshman English.

You were reading the works of Gertrude Stein.

So that naturally brought up all these issues. No, actually, the girl sitting

next to me brought up all these issues.

So, okay, that was the first time. Wait a minute. No, no.

Actually, in junior high, I really liked this girl a lot that worked at the

snack bar at the roller rink, but I thought I liked her because she gave me

curly fries.

I guess it's been going on a while.

But you've kept it to yourself and never acted on it.

And why do you think that is?

I don't know. I guess I thought if I just ignored it, you know, it would just

away and I could just live a normal life.

And what is a normal life, Ellen?

I don't know.

Normal. I mean, just the same thing everybody wants. I want a house with a

picket fence, you know, a dog, a cat, Sunday barbecues, someone to love,

who loves me, someone I can build a life with. I just want to be happy.

And you think you can't have these things with a woman?

Well, society has a pretty big problem with it, you know?

I mean, there are a lot of people out there who think people like me are sick.

Oh, God, why did I ever rent Personal Best?

I can't blame this on the media, Ellen.

It isn't going to be easy.

No one has it easy.

You don't understand.

Do you think I want to be discriminated against?

Do you think that I want people calling me names to my face?

Have people commit hate crimes against you just because you're not like them?

Thank you.

We have to use separate bathrooms and separate water fountains and sit in the

back of the bus.

Oh, man, we have to use separate water fountains?

No, I guess, you know, you have to admit, it's not exactly an accepted

mean, you never see a cake that says, good for you, you're gay.

Maybe the Baskin Robbins in West Hollywood.

Okay, Llewellyn, I'll say it.

Good for you, you're gay.

So what are you going to do now?

I'm going to Disneyland.

Not what I mean.

Are you planning on talking to your friends?

Oh, yes, obviously, of course. I'm not going to stop talking to them just

because I'm... Oh, you mean talk to them about me being... Oh, no.

No, that's none of their business, no.

Well, do you think you'd feel more comfortable talking to your parents?

All right, you win. I'll talk to my friends.

I keep coming over early to help me set up.

I live to serve.

Because there's no way I could have prepared cheese and crackers for seven

people by myself.

I know what you need. A melon baller. I'm gay.

So, where would I find one of those melon ballers?

Oh, Ellen, at the grocery store. At the grocery store. I'm so proud of you.

We're not still talking about the melon baller, are we?

This is amazing. Barrett and I were just discussing this the other day.

You discussed this with Barrett? Oh, yeah.

What, were you just sitting around sipping international coffees and

let's discuss Ellen's sexuality?

Cafe Vienna, how'd you know?

So, um, who else have you told?

You're the first.

And,

uh, my therapist and Susan and the people waiting for departing flight 368.

Susan?

Yeah, the woman I'm in love with.

So, you know, it shouldn't be a big deal, you know, telling my friends, you

know, the people at the airport took it pretty well.

Oh, God, do you think this is a bad idea?

Believe me, telling people is always hard.

I remember when I first saw my parents.

I sat them down.

I said, I have struggled with this for a long time, but this is who I am, and I

only hope you can be happy for me.

Then the next year when I entered kindergarten, they were 100 % behind me.

I sure wish I would have realized this when I was younger. It would have been

easier.

Easier, right?

It was a real delight being homo Pete in junior high.

Ellen, it's never easy.

If that's the official gay welcome speech, you need a happier ending.

Welcome, welcome all.

There's cheese and melon and chardonnay.

Why don't we all give Ellen our attention? I think she might have

wants to tell us.

Ellen?

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, I guess the best way to do something like this is just say it. Just

out straight to the point. Just come right out and say it. So, here goes.

You know how you think you're taller than you are? You know, you're saying,

5 '8", you know? And then you finally meet somebody who is 5 '8", and they're

like, you're 5 '8"? And you're like, well, you know, well, I was at the Gap

other day.

Ellen, I thought you had something important to tell us.

She does.

Okay, um, well, I've realized recently that I, uh,

have, uh, strong...

Feelings for someone.

Romantic feelings.

Ooh, I have goosebumps.

I think I know where this is going.

No, I don't think you do.

I feel like I need your support right now.

Of course we support you. I mean, Richard sounds like a great guy.

Yeah, he is. He's great.

So, thanks for stopping by. This was a lot of fun.

For God's sake, Ellen, tell him you're gay.

Ellen.

Is that true?

Well, it depends on what your definition of gay is, you know, because...

Yes, I'm gay.

But I thought that you and Richard, you know, the whole man -woman sex thing.

Never happened.

So nobody showed anybody the money?

No, I don't like Richard. I like Susan.

Susan?

Wow.

I know this is a big shock. I really don't expect you to accept it just right

away. Take your time. Let it sink in.

Well, I for one think it's super.

I love learning new things about my friends.

And this is new.

Okay, so you're okay with this? Of course I am.

You know, it's funny, because the other day, I was saying that I don't have

enough lesbian friends.

And Owen, I'm not bound.

Owen, I love and respect whatever you do.

Oh. And if you want to bring a woman home, I'm cool with that.

Very cool.

See, Ellen, all that worry for nothing. Yeah, this wasn't so bad after all.

Ellen, I'm happy for you. Oh, thank you, Joe.

Just one thing.

Are you sure this is what you want?

Aren't you sweet? Yes, I am sure. Thank you.

Okay.

Everybody pay up.

Damn!

Joe, this is the bookstore, and I used to own it, and now I manage it. And

someday, if I play my cards right, I may not even work here.

Hi, I'm Joe.

I'm Audrey.

We're Joe and Audrey.

They're simple folk, but they don't steal.

This is Joe and Audrey. This is Susan.

We've heard so much about you.

John Lee Hooker.

It's too bad you have to go back to Pittsburgh tomorrow.

Yeah, well, thanks for bringing that up, Homer.

You two look so cute.

Audrey, what... I'm sorry. Why don't you sit down? I'm going to get us some

coffee. Okay. Okay?

What do you think? She's great, isn't she? She's great. Yeah.

Have you kissed her yet?

No, and it's none of your business. I'm sorry. That was insensitive.

But you will tell me, right?

Yeah. Yeah, Joe, that's the plan.

Can you believe it? I mean, I'm clicking with somebody.

You know, that's... Thanks. I just, you know...

Me, who's usually clickless.

Oh, well. Okay.

Joseph.

Look. Ellen's normally pasty skin is all aglow with the warmth of a woman

in love.

With a woman.

So, tonight for dinner, what I thought... Ellen.

Um, Susan.

I'm in a relationship.

Not with me.

Yeah.

Well, you're in a relationship.

Yeah. Well, of course you are.

Why wouldn't you be? Look at you.

Why didn't you tell me you were in a relationship?

I don't know.

I... I don't know. I'm sorry. I just... I don't know. I thought it would be

presumptuous.

Presumptuous? You know, I mean, just say, hey.

You know, we don't have those curtains at, you know, our house.

We live closer to the beach.

You know, we would have, I would have, I'm no chimp. You know, I would have...

Well, I didn't know how you felt until now, so...

How could you not know?

What about when I was leaning against you at the tar pits? I mean, did you

I was trying to get a better view of the tar?

I just thought if neither of us...

said anything.

We just, you know, have this.

So there is this. There is something. I mean, I'm not alone. I mean, there's

something here, right?

Ellen, I'm in an eight -year relationship.

Okay. I understand. You don't have to say anything.

I just want to know that I'm not crazy, you know?

You're not crazy.

Eight years, boy.

So it must be getting pretty serious.

Well... Yeah.

You're gonna go, aren't you?

That old thing, huh? Yeah.

Yep.

Wow, this is... Horrible.

Yeah, it is. It's, uh... Horrible.

Well...

Ellen, I think you are amazing.

I think you're amazing, too.

Oh, a woman in the White House, a mother on

the moon,

a sister hosting nightlife.

What was that all about?

You should have been here for sister, sister, oh, my sister.

Now, you guys remember, when Ellen gets here, it is our job to cheer her up

because Susan dropped her like a gay hot potato.

I still can't believe that Ellen is gay.

Well, I always thought for a while she might be. I mean, even as a kid, she

could throw a football farther than me, you know, climb a tree faster, always

beat me at arm wrestling.

Did you ever think maybe you were gay?

How are you?

Good to see you. Hey.

So, Ellen, what do you think of Little Frida's? It's cute. I haven't been here

before. Surprise. It's a lesbian coffee house.

You've been living in our world. Now we want to experience your world.

Since when did my world become a lesbian coffee house?

Hi.

I'm Janine. Listen, Janine. Hi. I just realized I'm gay, so I'm not really

to start dating or anything.

Oh, good for you.

I'm your waitress.

Uh -oh, Ellen. Your first gay faux pas.

Can I get you something to drink?

Oh.

What do you people like to drink?

Iced tea.

You know, I'm not really thirsty, but thank you. Anyway. Thank you. Okay,

Thank you.

There's a lot of beautiful women in here.

Yes, it's very fashionable to be lesbian now.

Yeah, you know, that's pretty much why I did it. You know, it was either that or

getting a nose ring. I couldn't decide.

Helen, eight o 'clock. There's a lesbian staring at you.

Oh, you know what? I must be giving off one of those vibes again.

That's what we do. We give off vibrations, and then we pick up the

from our gaydar.

So I've heard.

It's true.

Do you mind if I join you?

So, I haven't seen you here before.

Well,

it's good to see some things never change.

So, you know, even though this whole thing with Susan was kind of

I feel like this tremendous...

Weight has been lifted off of me, you know.

I mean, for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable with myself.

Ellen, that is wonderful.

Yeah.

So I guess I'm not going to need you anymore.

But thank you so much for everything. And take care, huh?

Ellen, when do you think you'll be ready to start dating again?

You're just trying to make more money, aren't you?

Here she is.

Okay, Miss Morgan, I have just one question for you.

Are you gay?

Yes, yes I am.

And sign right here.

And a missile here.

And a missile here. And sign here.

Wow, I didn't know it was so complicated.

Congratulations.

Susan.