Original subtitles

crudely animated alien vermin?

Thumbs have no feeling.

Wait a minute. Am I the blue guy or the red guy? Doesn't matter. Just keep

blasting.

Oh, man. What a night.

Telling me the cable went out during Dukes of Hazzard. We've had to play

games for the last three hours.

Hey.

He's a witch.

Do people have anything better to do?

No.

Wait a second.

No.

You know, if you don't have anything better to do, we can use some volunteers

down at the hospital.

Excuse me. I work for a living. Today, I had breakfast at Paramount, lunch at

Fox, and drinks at Disney.

I have nothing left to give.

Spencer, I would love to volunteer.

If only I were as desensitized to human suffering as you are.

You know, maybe Spencer's right.

Maybe, and by maybe I mean perhaps, taking the time to read to a sick child

would be more fulfilling than the work we're doing here.

Maybe by volunteering our services to help those less fortunate than

our lives would be more meaningful than playing red guy versus blue guy. Maybe

if we stand up, we turn that TV off, we march down to that hospital and help

everyone else, we will do something truly with our lives. What do you say?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to get down with Boogie Nights.

I'm Ellen Morgan. I'm volunteering.

How are you feeling?

Not so good.

Come on, what kind of attitude is that from somebody who's in the hospital?

You know what you need? A kidney.

Yes, probably that too, yes. But you know what? While you're sitting around

waiting for that kidney, what do you say you and I play a stimulating game of

ping pong, huh?

Yeah, look at that excitement. Okay, here you go. Hold on to that.

One here.

All righty then.

Zero serving zero.

Sorry about your ear. You know what? Walk that off. It's a one serving zero

Excuse me. May I help you?

Yes. I'm Ellen. I'm a volunteer. I'm going to try to make a difference.

I see. Well, have you done any volunteer work before?

Oh, yes. Once I have.

Hi, I'm calling from Helping Hand.

What?

Hi, it's me again. Don't hang up.

I don't care if your dinner's getting cold. You know how many people are going

to bed tonight without dinner?

A whole bunch.

Ellen, it's... Beth addicted to this crypt. Shut up, Peter. Yeah, well, some

us do care. Some of us care so much that we give up our whole lives just to help

other people. And you know what really ticks us off?

Selfish morons like you.

Huh. Well, so you know what I could do is I could try to help out with surgery,

you know, because I'm pretty good at that game Operation.

I don't have any tweezers with me or anything like that. Probably just as

don't want to step on any doctor's toes.

I hope that's not the volunteer's uniform.

Wait a minute. There is a patient.

A curious fellow. English, I believe.

An English patient?

Yes. What's his name?

I don't know.

Huh. Amnesia or something from the past he's trying to block out?

Actually, there are 300 patients in this hospital. I just can't remember

everybody's name.

All I know is he could use a little companionship right now.

Someone to talk to.

Oh, well, I'm not much of a talker.

More of the strong silent type.

So where's little Rugrat?

Baby, baby.

Did I say Rugrat?

You know why I did?

Because my dad would call us rats as children.

He would just do little rat, you know, and we loved it because we would chew

we knew that's why.

like rats chew nibble and we would just chew through anything just uh you know

or crouton or a cracker or uh one time my little brother chewed through

electrical cord and then he took a different bus to school and um we called

sparky joke to do that and um because we were hungry that's why we didn't have

much money not that i'm hinting that i need money now i'm not i mean i do who

doesn't need more money who's gonna say no more money you know

or, you know, in here. No, you know, I wouldn't... Where is little Tyke?

I'll give it a shot. Good. Okay.

One serving one.

Hello. Hi, I'm Ellen. I'm a volunteer.

And your name is... Let's see.

Ooh, that's a difficult one. Al -ma -zool -la -ma -loo -az -ma -loo.

I cannot pronounce that. I'm going to call you Bob.

How's that?

Okay, you nod. If you can't nod, then you should blink or something, some kind

of signal so that I know.

I can talk.

You can talk? Oh, good for you. Then that's good, and that makes it easier.

do you pronounce that?

Just call me Bob.

Okay, what are you in here for? Don't tell me if it's gross, because I get

squeamish. Well, I had a day off last week.

I'm just preparing myself for the gross part. Go ahead.

I got burned.

Oh. Oh, my. To get burned. Oh, how horrible.

Horrible, horrible.

How did that happen?

Tanning booth accident.

I fell asleep listening to music.

Curse John Tesh and his soothing fans.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Why don't you tell me about yourself? Would you like to do that? Because

what I'm here for, to listen to you.

Well, I was born in Devonshire in 1948.

1948.

My, my, my. That makes you 49.

Yeah. How about that? You don't look 49.

Not that I know. I don't know what you look like. I really can't tell other

you're probably pretty tan.

You know, you're probably going to need a new driver's license picture.

Well, my driver's license picture, I thought... I remember when I got my

driver's license picture taken.

Funniest thing.

Next.

Put your feet on the X.

The front of the feet are... Put your feet on the X.

Now smile.

That's okay.

What?

Thanks, really, but I don't want to smile.

Look, it's just that you know that it's going to be a horrible picture. I mean,

you don't. I don't know your work. I'm sure you're good, but... Oh, come on.

I bet you got a pretty smile.

No, I appreciate it, but...

I've given it a lot of thought, and I'm comfortable with my decision.

Okay, I just think it's a shame when a pretty girl like you doesn't want to

smile. Oh, for God's sakes, would you just take the picture?

Next.

You know, I don't want to scare you, but you may freckle.

Might I have a sip of water?

What?

Absolutely. I don't mean to trouble you. No, no trouble at all. How much trouble

can it be? I remember I was getting water once.

One, two, three.

have to be brave for me. I'm not being brave.

There you go.

I'm sorry. Hold on. My watch is caught on your gauze.

I'm sorry.

This has happened to me before. I got caught in some blinds.

Wait till I tell you this story. I'm Ellen.

I didn't catch your name.

Probably didn't throw it.

Maya.

I hope not.

Good thing I'm wearing my thermal tights. It's chilly in here.

Listen,

if you don't mind, I'm rather sleepy.

Oh, yes, of course.

Yes, I can take a hint. I'll go get us some coffee. Perk you right up.

Hello,

it's me.

You're sleepy.

Shh.

You sound asleep.

That's good. You probably need some rest.

Are you sleeping?

Are you awake?

Are you sleeping?

I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure you... I was so worried.

I'm sorry. Are you hungry? I found an egg. I am not hungry. No?

I'm warm.

I don't know if I read to you, huh?

What?

Look at all the pretty pictures. Who did this?

Catherine. What grade is he in?

She was the love of my life.

It was the sort of love that only death can air asunder.

We first met in the gentleman's club in Cairo. I was wearing black velvet and

she... You know what I've realized recently?

Thinking about love, love is fickle.

Don't you agree? Well, if I... Because I was thinking the other day about...

Hey, what are you doing? Sorry.

Hey, can't you wait for the honeymoon?

Ben? You can explain.

Oh, I, you, oh, my God.

I knew you were going to say that. Al, look, it's not what it looks like. No,

definitely not. This is nothing like what it looks like. Okay, good, because

from where I'm standing, from how I see it, this angle, it looks like two people

kissing, and I know there's got to be another explanation, so please tell me

what it is.

There is no other explanation.

Oh, come on, you didn't even try.

Okay, here's one, here's one.

You had a feeling or something came loose in your mouth, and Spence, being a

doctor, was trying to push it back in with his tongue, huh?

Here's what it is, okay? I came in, and I found her crying about Matt and how

maybe the wedding's not going to work out, right? I put my arm around her to

comfort her, and before I knew it, she was all over me.

What? That is so not true.

You kissed me.

Okay, okay, you know what it is? I'm pretty sure the Santa Ana wins. That's

it is, because, you know, when the Santa Anas blow, all kinds of crazy things

happen. For instance, once there was a big gust of wind, and I bought culottes.

I was sitting here. You were sitting there, right? You leaned your head like

this and closed your eyes, all right? That's not begging for a kiss. I don't

know what is.

Maybe I closed my eyes because I couldn't stand to look at you. Oh, come

You cried. You did the lip thing, right? And then you pulled me against my will,

and then you did this.

No, no, no, no.

You, you made puppy eyes, and then you stroked my hair, and then before I knew

it, this.

Okay, okay, I'm convinced. Nothing's going on.

to stand in the way of true love. You know what I mean? True love. Because

there's one time that I did actually get involved and never again.

Matt, it is too late to back out of this now, okay? I have accepted his proposal

and I am just going to have to live with it. And if you look at it this way, if

I'm going to attach myself for life to a person that I'm not sure that I love, I

could do a lot worse than Matt.

Do you ever listen to yourself talk?

Come on, everyone is waiting for you. I can't, I can't. Just go down the aisle.

Wait right here.

Okay,

how was it? What are you doing back here? Because you can't go through this.

don't love him. This is the biggest mistake of your life. I know, but

I'm going to... No, you can't stop me.

I can.

No, no, no.

So

anyway,

you and this Kathleen, Catherine, Kathy, whatever, are you still together?

Catherine and I shared a love. A love that was both equal parts beautiful and

tragic. She was the... That's the same with me. Beautiful and tragic. Equal

parts. You know? Because, you know, it's like when you go to the dentist.

Although you need the dentist for beautiful teeth, sometimes it can be so

tragic. Okay.

There's going to give you a little nitrous oxide.

Now, we'd like you to take about ten deep breaths.

Through your nose.

Oh, this stuff doesn't work on me. I tried it once at a Grateful Dead

It's okay. I was with my dentist.

Just keep breathing.

So are you from Los Angeles originally, Ellen?

No, no.

No, Louisiana.

Oh, sure.

The French Quarter, jazz, Mardi Gras. Makes you see in New Orleans.

Born and raised.

Things you do as a child. Things you do with your mother. Things you do with a

chicken.

Well, what do you know, Ellen? We're both from the old bayou.

Ah, the old bayou.

The old bayou.

Can I buy you a drink, Dr.

Dave?

I think the night just may be starting to work.

Are you feeling relaxed, Ellen?

Well, I feel downright tingly.

And my daddy won't be home for hours.

Doesn't little Tooth Fairy have to stay in here with us?

Okay, we're going to give you a little Novocaine and numb up your mouth a

little.

Why don't you numb it up with a long, hard kiss like a gentleman?

I don't know why he wanted me to get the gauze, because the other nurse said

that she would get the gauze for him, but I guess he didn't trust her.

Well, it's on the top shelf. Let me help you. Okay.

It's so beautiful.

All the medical equipment, the tongue depressors, and the...

Wait, there's more.

No problem. Good leaders keep a cool head.

You're a model.

See if you can slip through there and help me.

you made me come here

up there swinging in a comfy hammock. Oh, comfy hammock. I am so much more

uncomfortable than you.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Well, you're going to be.

You know,

the funny thing is I've never even done this before. It doesn't seem too hard.

What?

Hold on. I can't understand you. Oh, thank you.

Excuse me. If you have to go, I will understand.

What would you like? Mashed potatoes or corn?

Are you sure you don't want the eggs?

What I would like is a plum.

A nice plum plum.

No plums here.

How about a prune? Pruney prune?

No? No prunes.

Okay. I know this hospital food must be really disgusting.

You know what you need is a home -cooked meal. When you get out of here, you

should come over to my house. I'm going to cook for you. I'd rather... Yes, I'm

a very good cook. One time I had people over. I'm a very good hostess.

You need some help in there? No, thanks. Thank you. I can do this. If I couldn't

do a simple little dinner party, what would that say about me? Now, thank you

for asking, but I'm just fine in here. But thank you anyway for asking me.

Beautiful.

Martha, for you.

Really? I think she forgot something.

Well, Barrett, it's supposed to be a twice -baked potato.

Isn't that right, Ellen? Twice -baked.

That's right, twice -baked.

Everybody go ahead and start eating and I'm just gonna get dessert started.

Okay. Do you have any more of those rolls?

Oh, yes, I do. I need to come in here. Here are the rolls right now.

Elle, I don't mean to be rude. I think we're short three hands. Let me give you

a hand. No, that's okay. Here are the hands. You got the hands.

You must have other friends to visit. I feel greedy monopolizing your time.

Oh, no.

Well, you know what? I do actually have to meet a friend in a few minutes, but I

wouldn't leave you high and dry. I've arranged for another volunteer to come

and visit with you.