Original subtitles

Oh,

that's a really high balance on your visa bill, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I shouldn't have ever charged that llama ranch on there.

And this cable bill, my God, do you really need all those extra channels?

you know, you have your entertainment, I have mine. I'm sure when they come up

with a watching people pay their bills channel, you'll feel differently.

I'm sorry.

I'll be quiet.

You sure do wait till the last minute to pick. Okay, couch right now. Over

there.

You know, Mom, since you and Dad got separated, you spend an awful lot of

over here. And not that I mind. I mean, my underwear drawer has never been more

organized, and if you hadn't highlighted the expiration dates on all the

yogurts, I might not even be here to thank you.

Hi, Ellie.

Oh, hi, Lois. Hi, Harold.

What are you doing here, Dad?

Well, I had some laundry to do, and I had this craving for an apple fritter,

the bakery down in your corner makes the best apple fritters, and I couldn't

think of a more convenient place to do my laundry than here.

Uh -huh. How about the laundromat next to the bakery?

Well, I guess I secretly hoped that you and I could watch one of your fancy

cable channels together.

Dad, don't you have anything better to do than drive clear across town to do

laundry and eat an apple fritter? If loving apple fritters is wrong, I don't

want to be right.

What happened to the woman who used to clean out the garage and her life is not

a dress rehearsal T -shirt? I'm not dead yet. I'd like to go dancing and go to

the theater.

Good, then dance yourself down to the theater.

All the theaters are downtown and I'm a little afraid of going there by myself.

Oh, look at you two.

Look at me looking at you two.

This is pathetic.

I mean, you've got to start having your own lives.

Separate from each other and separate from mine.

What are you going to do when the divorce papers come?

Well, we'll sign them.

Eventually.

Only had them for a few weeks.

A few weeks and you haven't signed them yet? Well, I wanted a lawyer to look at

them first.

You are a lawyer.

Ellen, I'm retired.

You know, it almost seems like you two don't want to get divorced. Oh, are you

kidding? We're very happy not being together.

Oh, well, good. I'm very happy you're happy not being together. But could you

happy not being together not together?

And don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain and Tennille.

Yeah!

Noah!

So wait a minute, your parents have had divorce papers all this time and they

haven't signed it. What's going on?

Here's what I think is going on. I think they're scared. They're like those

little baby geese in Fly Away Home.

You know, they just need to be shown the way.

And who better to do it than me? Now all I have to do is construct an airplane

that looks like a divorced goose.

You know, that's an interesting theory, but you know what I think? I think we

need more beer.

This place is great, isn't it, Uncle Harold? You having a good time? He's

a good time. It's Saturday night. He's drinking beer. He's watching sports.

eating fries.

I'm guessing cheese.

Yeah, this is fun. Hey, Kelly, I hope that Lois does not smell me tonight when

come home because she hates cigarette smoke.

She's not going to smell you. Nobody's going to smell you. That's the beauty of

being unattached. There's nobody to smell you. Here, here. Here, here.

You know, this is the kind of place you should be coming all the time. But not

all the time. Not at like 10 o 'clock in the morning.

You know, otherwise you're going to end up looking like that guy at the end of

the bar with the baldest nose. But, you know, you're getting divorced. It's time

for you to get out and start making some new friends.

Well, do you think my new friends would mind if I changed the channel to Nova?

You know, maybe next week we can hit a PBS bar.

But for now, why don't you just give this place a shot, you know? I mean, you

love sports.

What was that sport you used to play with Stevie all the time?

Catch? Yeah.

or there'll be catch finals on ESPN2.

I just don't think this is the kind of place for me.

Dad, it's Saturday night. If you weren't here, you'd be at home doing laundry or

worse, at my house doing laundry.

You know, that's no life.

This is the life. I'll get more pretzels.

Great.

Some mustard.

So, Uncle Harold, what do you think the chances are here for the Lakers?

Well, Spence, if they play both sides of the court and they give 110 % and they

shoot that, I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm talking about.

Don't worry about it. They got auto racing right there for you.

You know, auto racing's kind of boring. You know what this sport needs?

Cliffs.

I couldn't help but notice that you're sitting here alone at the bar.

That's right, little lady.

Well, uh, are you interested in maybe making a new friend tonight?

It depends what kind of friend you're talking about.

Well, the kind of friend who, uh...

Likes to play catch.

Well, um, who's throwing the ball?

Well, I guess if it's catch, probably both people.

I don't get auto racing.

I mean, what could be more pointless than driving a car around a track 500

times? I don't know. Watching somebody do it?

This is Mitch, and this is my dad. He's getting divorced. He's looking to make

some new friends. Hiya, Mitch.

What kind of a kinky setup is this?

Oh, what the hell, I'm in.

No! No!

No! No! Behind you, use the elbow.

No!

That's what you're doing, sweetie.

Fall to the ground.

Not tonight, baby.

Mama just got a brand new...

It's not the timid Lois two hours ago who thought we were on our way to see

Marvin's room.

It's the strong Lois who's ready to sign some divorce papers, huh? Yeah, I

suppose so.

Okay, for our final exercise, we're going to simulate an actual attack.

Now, you're all prepared for this. Just beat the drum, say your power word, and

choose a word that best expresses your inner strength.

I've got a good one.

That's the one I chose. Could you just choose another word, please?

No!

and come up behind me and scare me because I'm a helpless woman and I can't

defend myself.

No! No!

No! No!

No!

A pitiful!

Well,

this was really a great class. Thanks very much.

Wait, Mom, you haven't gone yet. Now, come on, what kind of daughter would I

if I let you go home without getting mugged first?

downtown, you just finished watching Showboat. You're at the stage door

for Ned Beatty's autograph.

Suddenly, somebody really menacing comes up to you. Come on. You can do this,

okay? Okay.

made him finally decide to take the plunge. Me.

Sat there with him last night, and I refused to leave until they signed the

papers, licked the envelope, and put sufficient postage on it.

I realize this is an extremely sensitive issue, and I happen to think I've been

dealing with this in a sympathetic and compassionate way. Now, if you don't

mind, party hats?

Oh, okay.

Hi. Oh, hello.

Hi. Um, congratulations.

I am so happy for you.

Oh, God. I can't love less forever.

I can't love last ten minutes.

Oh, I think I'm talking about something totally different.

They're here. Okay.

I know that this is an awkward time, but I heard that you can say anything with

flowers, so here.

Oh, thank you.

Congratulations. Oh, get with your parents here. I want to take the first

official picture of you guys after the big D.

Hey, Spence, can I get that in wallet sign?

Here's what I have planned for tonight. We have dinner plans, and then after

dinner, we're going out for ice cream. Oh, boy.

That all sounds wonderful, but what exactly are we celebrating? What are we

celebrating? It's not every day that the two of you get divorced, and I, for

one, am very proud of you. Dad, you for making new friends, and Mom, you for not

being afraid to punch a big padded guy right in his padding, and finally for

mailing the divorce papers.

Oh, don't thank me. Thank your mother, because she is the one who put them in

the mail. Oh, no, no, no. I left them. I thought that you were going to take

care of that.

Oh, for crying out loud. I don't believe this. That's all right. That's all

right. We'll do it in the morning. No, no, no, no. I can do it on Thursday when

I make my laundry run to Elise.

No, we're not going to put this off another day.

I'm going to drive you home to your house. We're going to pick up those

and I'm going to drive you downtown to your attorney's office, and we're going

to end this marriage once and for all.

Okay.

Horsekeepers in the lane.

Jerk.

Jerks like you that hold up traffic. You jerk -faced jerk.

Hey, hey.

Can I give you the lane?

That jerk wouldn't let me in.

Can I just get you the lane?

What are we doing on the 405?

Ellie? Well, I suggested it, because then we could just hop onto the 10 and

we'll be right downtown.

Oh, that's a good plan, Lois. Only we're not hopping onto anything.

We are stuck in traffic.

You don't take the 405 on a Friday afternoon.

You should have taken the 101, Ellie.

We're 101 people.

How about we listen to the radio, huh?

Do you know what my favorite station is?

Poor.

It used to be three until that became a Spanish station.

Well, I like five. Let's listen to five.

I think my precepts may be different than yours.

I want four, Ellen.

I want five.

Four.

Oh, my God, what have they done to four?

Change it, Lois. Change it. No, I will not change it. I like mariachi music.

Well, I don't. And who said you could sit in the front seat anyway?

Changing that ticket.

You know what?

I am going to pick a radio station and you're going to listen to it and you're

going to enjoy it. And if I hear any more bickering out of you two, we are

going to go for banana splits after the divorce paper signing like I promised.

I'm Steve Schwartz, L .A.'s most interesting radio rush hour talk

Idiots listen to talk radio.

No!

a 50 % better chance than she had before.

Hey, what did the study say about a child of four divorces?

Well, they said that they're very well adjusted and they have a

bright, shiny outlook on the future. Miss Daddy?

Can you imagine being married for 37 years and just throwing it all away?

No, uh -uh.

Not throwing it all away.

It's a learning experience.

Trial and error.

That way, you make a better choice.

for the next time.

The next time?

Mm -hmm. Or the time after that.

Or the time after that.

Well, I say you gotta sleep with a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

I believe that's kiss.

No. Uh -uh. She's right.

Call me romantic, but I always figured, you know, when I found the right woman,

it would last forever. I mean, I want the whole nine yards.

Nice house in the suburbs, barbecues, tons of kids, you know?

How come you never told me that?

Why should I, you know?

You know, when I get married, it's going to be the same reason my parents did.

Oh.

Because they had to.

Now, tell me, caller, what was your home life like?

It was great.

At least I thought it was great.

Happy childhood, no yelling in the house. But the strange thing is that a

of years ago...

My parents got divorced out of the blue, and I'm having a hard time with it.

Interesting.

Interesting? What's so interesting about a grown woman who can't accept her

parents getting divorced?

I mean, grow up. Am I right, Mommy, Daddy?

First of all, a lot of couples that never fight get divorced.

And if your parents never fought, maybe they had no passion. And secondly, you

wouldn't be normal if you weren't having a hard time with it.

Ha! Quack, quack, quack!

Yes, thank you, Dr.

Schwartz. Our phone number is 555 -0100.

Oh, hey, don't forget to push send. I learned that one the hard way. Just that

and that.

Hello, this is Ellen, and I, yes, yes, I will hold.

Oh, Allie, this is so exciting. My little girl's going to be on the radio.

let's call up the Eidelsons and tell them to tune in.

You may have to scream that really loud out the window because I'm on the phone.

Tell them that your favorite radio station is KCRP and you'll win $100.

This isn't KCRP.

Oh, that doesn't matter. Tell them anyway.

Hello, we're back. I have Ellen here. What's on your mind, Ellen?

Well, I'll tell you what's on my... Ellen, please turn down your radio.

Yeah, thank you. I'm going to put you on the speakerphone.

Isn't that amazing? I always wondered why they said that.

Yeah, I'm calling in response to your last caller.

Miss crybaby, Miss boo -hoo, my parents are getting divorced.

Put on a helmet and get in the game, Miss I had a happy childhood and I can't

deal with it.

Just a reminder, Ellen, we don't make fun of other callers on this program.

Remember, someone will be calling after you.

Well, I plan on changing the station anyway.

My parents are getting divorced, and I am fine with it. As a matter of fact,

on my way right now to take them to get their divorce finalized. God, we're all

going out for ice cream afterwards.

Who's that?

That's my dad. My mom's here, too. Hi. My favorite radio station is KCRP.

Interesting.

Anyway, my whole life was exactly like... The previous caller, I grew up

like her. I mean, I don't know just like her. I mean, I don't know how her house

was decorated. We probably had more wood paneling and we had ceramic roosters

all around the house growing up. Talk about that messing with your head. But

anyway, you know, same thing. No fighting, no yelling, no passion, no

So how did your parents express their anger? Mostly napping.

I do not appreciate your airing our family business on the radio. Now turn

off. That program is for crazy people. And we're not crazy people.

This show is for people who are in pain and feel a need to express themselves.

A .K .A.

wackos.

You heard your mother. I want you to hang up the phone right now. What is the

big deal? I'm just talking. No! No!

I think that's 55, not 54.

It's 54. I know it's 54.

No, it's 55, Lois. You're terrible with numbers. For your information, I know

it's 54.

I remember because the last time we were here, we had lunch, and I had the Crab

Louie. And the only other person who loves Crab Louie as much as I do is my

sister Fern, and she is 54.

She is 58.

See? You are terrible with numbers. You always think you're right, Harold, and

you know you're wrong. You're wrong a lot.

I mean, you were wrong telling Ellen about the birds and the bees when she

15.

I was 25.

And what about you, Lois? I mean, are you perfect? Do you never make mistakes?

Well, I still have six cases of new coke out in the garage and says otherwise.

Yes, yes, yes, I make mistakes.

But at least I didn't have Dukakis 86 tattooed on my behind.

It was a temporary.

And it was 88. Okay, that's it.

fighting. Fighting is for people with passion, which according to someone in

this elevator, we don't have.

You're talking about me, aren't you?

Well, you don't have any passion. That's why you're getting divorced. Ellie,

don't tell us why we're getting divorced.

There was plenty of passion. I made love to this woman in every room in the

house. So, before you go pushing us into a divorce court, maybe you ought to do

your homework.

I haven't been pushing. I've been supportive. Maybe a few nudges with my

just to get you out of the nest, but that's it. Oh, Bull, you can't wait for

to get divorced because you want to be part of the in crowd.

You want to be able to say, oh, my old lady and my old man are divorced.

Aren't I nifty?

From what I hear, the in crowd doesn't use the word nifty.

And pushing me to make new friends. Why should I make new friends when I got my

best friend in the world right here? And that is no knock on Mitch.

Hey, why are you yelling at me? I'm just trying to get you divorced so we can be

one big happy family. You have no idea how hard it's been living below this man

knowing I can't just have him. Yeah, do you know what it's like to go downstairs

for ice cream and all I really want is two scoops of Lois?

Oh, Harold.

Oh, Lois.

Oh, Harold.

I don't care what Ellen wants. I don't want to get divorced.

Do I?

Oh, the hell with Ellen.