Original subtitles

We're cats.

Do you think it has anything to do with the movie theater moving in next door?

No, I think it's the cat stickers you put on the window.

Grab some bags and call the bank because we're making a big old deposit tonight.

You know, I don't think it's the movie theater. It's like I always say, if you

brew it, they will come.

No cutting in line. No, not you. You know who I'm talking to. That is not

Okay, that's four lattes and $4 apiece. That'll be $17 .23.

Hey, they're letting people in the movie.

Judy Pavari from Gardena, California writes, Dear Ellen, for your opening

sequence, I think you should have me on and the two of us should do a number

like that identical cousin song from the Patty Duke show because people always

tell me I look exactly like you.

We'll be calling you.

Hi, not home. Leave a message at the beep. Well, it's not really a beep. It's

more of a tone, although it sounds sort of like it.

Spencer? It's your father. Are you there?

Oh, no, no, no. Don't pick it up. Don't pick it up.

Hello? Hello?

It's your father. You never talked to him. You never returned his call.

You never talked... to me. You never return my calls.

See, even he's noticed.

All right, I'll talk to him. He's my uncle. I'll talk... My father. Father

an uncle every time, okay?

You're not there, okay? I'll wait.

Now, would you look at this? The post says there was a mob hidden in front of

Starkey's Steakhouse.

I love their garlic bread.

Why don't you want to talk to him? Well, I kind of haven't told him that I've

been kicked out of my residency.

Well, what exactly did you tell him?

Then I'm here on a prestigious fellowship at UCLA.

Well, prestigious fellowship, banned from medicine. I'm not saying they're

close, but sometimes little details interest a family.

Let's see what Dagwood Bumstead is up to.

Oh, look at the size of that sandwich.

At least open up the lines of communication.

I'm not the one that fakes call waiting to get her mom off the phone. Yeah,

well, at least I give her the joy of hearing my voice before I blow her off.

to the jumble are K -A -R -V -D -R -A -A.

Oh, the man is crying out for you to unscramble his jumble.

All right, if you won't make chitchat, then I... Uncle Bert? Hey!

Hey, we just walked in the door, and we were just talking about you.

Uh, no, when I say we, I mean my groceries and myself.

I like to think of my groceries as my friends.

No, I've never done crack. No.

No, um, yeah, Spence is not home right now. He's, uh, he's very busy. He's

working and, uh, trying to, actually, he's working on a cure for something.

And, uh, no, nothing that big. Uh -uh. It was for itching or something like

that.

No, not that kind of itching. Just a simple itching.

What would I be trying to hide? Me? I'm not hiding anything. I'm just saying

that he's busy with his fellowships, with his... No, he's just busy. Oh, I

fell.

You know, with his fellows and ships and... Hey, Dad, here it is. Got kicked

of my fellowship. I'm no longer a doctor. Love to Mom. The answer to the

is aardvark. Bye.

Well, thanks, Ellen. The gates of hell are now officially open.

Aardvark. I was thinking Darkvar the whole time.

And I'm thinking, what is Darkvar? I don't know if that's a word. I mean, it

be a word in another country. Maybe I've just said a nasty word. I don't even

know.

Attention, everyone. We are not under attack from alien spaceships. In the

of an actual attack, you would have been instructed to scream and trample each

other in a frantic dash for the exit.

God, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Oh, I love being able to hear the movies through the wall.

I can't wait for the Shirley Temple Festival next week.

Imagine, all day we'll hear, Oh, I went down South for to see myself, Biggie,

Polly, Bolly, Doodle all the day.

I may even bring my tap shoes.

Too bad I'll be off that day.

I didn't tell you what day it was.

Well, it doesn't matter. I'll be off.

You talk to the manager? Is he going to turn the sound down?

The only way you don't understand is that Dolby Stereo requires a certain

decibel level to bring out its full tonal palette.

Popcorn?

Well, I can say I'm going to have to talk to the manager. Some people can't

bought off by jumbo -sized snacks.

Just a medium.

Really?

Um, Spence, you call your dad yet? Not yet.

Come on, you can't just drop a bombshell like that and not talk to him. I'm

making outline cards first. I've got to organize my thoughts in a tight and

concise presentation.

Come on.

The hard part's over. You told him the news.

Ellen, to you, he's lovable Uncle Bert who brings you cookies, okay? But you

have no idea the way he really is, okay? The man overreacts to everything!

Guess the apple fell far from that tree, huh?

Well, what have you got?

It's not set in stone.

All right, so just... Here you go.

Hi,

Dad. What time is it there?

Why would you ask that? She always asks me. By asking first, I establish

dominance.

I've come to offer support to my only son at a tough point in his life.

Really?

Yeah, I'm an idiot.

Spencer, either you're a doctor or a dead man.

Take your time.

You think I like using my frequent flyer miles to come out here and leave your

mother in charge of the bakery?

I'm not the one that asked you to come running out here, okay?

Oh, here's one that you've forgotten. This is good. Gee, Dad, let's talk about

this in a calm and rational manner. That's good.

Your mother and I were going to Hawaii on those miles. Why she wants to go to

Hawaii, I don't know. What's wrong with Vegas?

Right here, exactly why I never tell you anything.

What time is it there?

I didn't slave in a bakery for 30 years to have you throw it all away.

I got cookies in my bag for you, Ellie.

Thank you.

I didn't raise a quitter.

I'm going to law school now, okay? I've moved on.

They pushed you on.

Now, I called UCLA Medical Center, and the department head said, all you need

three doctors to sign your appeal.

I'm sending him a dozen of my spiced nut tarts. No, no, no, no.

Don't send baked goods, okay? Don't make any calls. Don't do anything, okay?

It's my life.

All right.

Joe, are you still driving that Lincoln?

God, how does this happen?

I should have stuck to my cards.

I think what Spence might say here is you've got to let me make my own

decisions, Dad.

But being a doctor has always been your dream, son.

Ever since he was five years old.

Well, when I was five, I wanted to be a stoplight.

Didn't happen.

He used to run around prescribing candy corn to his schoolmates.

I mean, my God, the kid developed a cootie vaccine.

I know. He gave it to me.

I'm still cootie free.

You know, maybe I can talk to him. I'll talk to him, okay? I'll be right back.

Do you believe that guy? No.

Yeah, sort of. I mean, he's, uh... He just doesn't want you to give up on your

dream. Remember the cootie vaccine and the salve for the Indian burns? No, that

was just peanut butter and spit.

Well, it doesn't matter. Dang it, it worked!

See, the thing is, okay, being a doctor was his dream, okay? It wasn't my dream.

He thinks that by being a doctor, you're some kind of god, okay? I didn't want

it, all right? Why should I spend one more day doing something that I don't

to do?

You shouldn't.

I'm going to go tell him that. All right.

Hey, you know, Spence has a point. Why should he spend another day doing

something that he really doesn't want to do?

You think I like getting up at 4 a .m. to squirt cheese into a Danish?

Be right back.

think he likes to squirt cheese?

What does that mean?

I don't know.

What does that mean?

It means sometimes you make a decision and you stick to it. You

make a decision and you stick to it. Okay, here's something even a pig

baker might understand, okay?

You're making the donuts, right? Halfway through, you realize you forgot the

yeast, but you've already folded in the eggs. What do you do?

I don't know. All right, come here. I'll tell you what.

If you're a good baker, you realize the batch is entirely ruined, you dump

everything out, and you start again.

Go, go.

Okay, you're making donuts, and you put in the eggs, but then you forget the,

um... You forget to put something in.

Baking powder?

No.

Butter, sugar, vanilla extract? No.

Is it cream -filled or glazed? It's just a regular donut.

Yeast! Yes, yeast, yes.

He left out the yeast! No, no, he didn't. No, no.

I did. I left it out. Anyway, so you're making donuts, and you put the eggs in,

but you forget the dough, so you might as well just throw the whole batch out,

right? If you're a moron.

No, you add the missing yeast, and then you fold in a whole new batch of eggs.

Then you're back in business.

Eggs, yeast, batch. Eggs, yeast, batch.

He says you've got eggs, you've got yeast, and then you just, you need a

new batch.

He said that, whole new batch. Right, whole new batch. Is that good?

It's great. He realizes that I can't go back.

Oh, now, hold on.

Spence says that you're right, and that you... Great! He's going back into

medicine! Oh, no, I don't know exactly... Come on back in here, son!

I said you've got eggs, and then a batch, and he was excited.

Oh, Spencer, I am glad we worked everything out.

And thank you, Ellie, you little peacemaker. They could use you in the

East.

Yeah, well, I think they'd be in about the same shape they're in now.

Maybe it was yesterday, Hildy. Been seeing me in her dreams.

Oh, no. Love doesn't dream much anymore, Walter. You wouldn't know the old girl

now.

Ah, yes, I would. I'd know you any time, any place, anywhere.

Ah, you're repeating yourself, Walter. That's a speech you made the night you

proposed.

So did you talk to the manager?

I sure did. I gave him a piece of my mind.

Jujubees?

Oh, Ellen, can I go complain next? I'd love no caps.

So, has Spence and Burke been by? They said they may stop by after the Laker

game. I thought they were in the middle of a fight to the death. Now they're

getting along?

Perfectly, and it's all my fault.

How do you live with yourself?

You know, I was trying to help, and they mistook what I said, and I didn't have

the heart to tell them the truth. Okay, first mistake? Trying to be helpful.

Second mistake?

Involving myself in the lives of others.

Exactly. Okay, now, when people come to you, Ellen, they say, I'm having a bad

day, I have lots of problems. What do we say? And how does that affect me?

We have been over this so many times.

The Knicks were really hitting the boards today.

Yeah, that's exactly where the game is won.

Van Exel was throwing up so many bricks, I thought I was at a stonemason's

convention.

Lame joke, Dad. Gets me every time. I don't know why.

Oh, look at you two, just happy like a couple of frisky puppies. Happy, happy,

happy. I can't imagine anything interfering with that happiness. I mean,

could. I don't think so. Could you? And we owe it all to you.

You know, sometimes you just have to bend a little. Give in, right, Spencer?

Absolutely. There's nothing wrong with changing your mind. Am I right, Dad?

is amazing. The biggest issue in their lives, and it hasn't

remotely come up in conversation. They just spent four hours side by side at a

basketball game.

Yeah, that is strange. You know, most guys go to the game and spend their time

discussing their inner hopes and fears.

I wasn't expecting cream rents, but four hours and nothing?

Ellen, a sports arena is where men stand shoulder to shoulder, urinating into a

trough.

Enough said?

More than enough.

Thank God we men have stalls.

I mean, think about this. We have partitions, yet there are fewer barriers

between us.

Wow, that may be the deepest thing I've ever said.

Oh, definitely, Paige.

When DeVos got past Ewing, Oakley should have switched and picked him up. Yeah,

well, the sweet and low definitely should have doubled down at the bottom

key, right?

How nice they're playing. This is worse than I thought. I've got to tell them.

Just take them to a nice restaurant and tell them over cocktails. That's how my

family does it.

Then again, that's how my family does everything.

Well, I kind of want them to be clear -headed.

Fine. Tell them over the salad.

Too crunchy, too loud.

All right, main course. Bad idea, steak knives.

Dessert? Could be flaming.

Coffee? Tea? Too high.

Iced. All right. Yeah. I'll do it over iced tea. Two cold glasses of iced tea.

And that, Paige, is my decision.

Audrey,

I need more room.

You know, Paige, instead of using our books, you could do your research at the

library.

I don't have a library card.

I had one, but then they opened Barney's in Beverly Hills and I needed card

space. My wallet is only so big.

I can't believe the commish was eating dinner right next to us.

He's much smaller in person. He barely comes up to my hip.

Yeah, he's your size.

What's with the fat swan? I was too nervous. I couldn't eat.

You didn't tell them?

I couldn't let them air their dirty laundry in front of the commish, now

I?

Tell them we get home.

No, tell them now, here, in front of all these people. You know, it's safer to

give big news in public.

That's why I told my mom I wanted to go on the pill at the Galleria.

You're right, I'm going in.

How tall do you think the commish is? Three feet?

Nice.

Four? No, he's taller than that, Dad. Four and a half, five feet? Dad, he was

sitting down.

You know, don't know. Here we are.

Oh. Hmm.

Egg, durum wheat, Malaysian cinnamon, and a second -rate brand of amaretto.

are really good at recipes. That's good, because to me, recipes are so

confusing. I mean, for instance, that donut recipe, that, that, that, I was so

confused on that the other day. That was confusing to me.

No, that's not confusing. Well, it was confusing to me. I mean, I may have

mistook some of the ingredients, and I, you know, but y 'all are getting along

so well now, it might be a good time, really, to clear it up.

What's she talking about? No idea. Okay, well, let me put it the way that you

can both understand.

There's eggs, and then there's yeast, and Spence is not going back into

medicine.

What?

Come on, I thought you knew that. Okay, it's out. Don't we feel better? I feel

better. Do you feel better?

Spencer, I am not letting you give up being a doctor. Wait, you're not going

let me? What are you going to do?

You're not throwing away your life. Key words there. My life. You know, this

reminds me of a short story of two men, the father and son, where they wrestle

to find out what the son is going to do with their lives.

Good idea.

Oh, no, no, no. It's a short story. It's Ethan's came in. And the eerie thing is

the son does not want to be a doctor, but the father wants him to be. And what

they find out is the anger is a mutual respect for one another.

Hit the man.

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying.

All right, well, leave it to me. Let's go. Let's go. All right, if I pin you,

you go back to medicine.

No more talk.

If you win, you do what you want, and I butt out.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You're misunderstanding the issue.

Not that there's one point to literature. Watch the swans, okay?

907, movie's starting, everyone.

Come on, give me your best, dear. Oh, believe me, you're going to get it. I

five bucks on Spence.

Wrestling my own father. Bad idea.

I'm sorry, dear. My letter!

No, you... Stop. You should stop wrestling because... Yes! You should not

wrestle at my store. You should not wrestle on the floor.

You should not wrestle with your dad. You should not wrestle. It is bad!

Gotcha!

Ow! Ow, my shoulder!

God, he's faking it. I've known him my whole life. Believe me, he's not hurt.

Thank you. We sure do appreciate that, don't we?

Sure do.

Thank you.

What do you think, Uncle Bert? Maybe he should stay another couple of days

because of the shoulder, you think?

You think so?

What do you think, Spence? He should stay a couple more days because of the

shoulder, maybe?

I think a couple more days would be good for both of y 'all for the shoulder.

You know, I don't believe you two.

There is no middle ground with you. You're either fighting like animals or

talking like non -talking animals.

Not that animals talk. Well, parrots talk, but they don't know what they're

saying. They're just kind of copying. You go, hello. They go, hello. It's not

like you can have a conversation with them.

Okay, fine. I'm butting out.

I've tried.

You can, you know, just resolve this or not. You can stand shoulder to shoulder

next to each other in front of a trough, but that's not how I do things.

So just, you're on your own.

What a sloppy job.

I wouldn't trust these people to wrap my leftovers.

I could go back, you know.

What are you talking about? You won.

Yeah, but, you know, maybe you're right. Maybe this is where I belong.

Don't feed Danish to the donut maker.

That's guilt talking.

You don't want to do it. How do you know what I want?

Well, you practically broke your own father's shoulder.

I figure you gotta feel pretty strong about this.

Do what you want.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I want you to know why.

You don't owe me any explanations.

I wasn't good enough.

Okay? What?

I wasn't good enough.

Don't give me that crap. You had the grades. You got offers from eight

hospitals. No, technically I was okay.

Well, who am I kidding? I was better than okay.

But the people part wasn't there.

Sorry, Dad, I did not have it.

I was always stepping in it.

I mean, you may not believe this, but some people find me very abrasive.

Screw them. They're too sensitive.

Besides, that might not be such a bad quality in a lawyer.

You okay with the people at the law school?

Yeah. Want me to send them some nice cinnamon buns?

No.

I'll let you know.

Okay.

You know, I know I said I was going to butt out and everything, but, you know,

thought of some things in the hall that I thought I might, you know, maybe I

should remind you of.

And obviously you haven't gotten anywhere, so... Number one.

Blood is thicker than water.

There's a lot of things you can make with yeast and eggs besides donuts.

Number three, does anyone know how we're getting home? We don't have a car.

Remember, we got here with the... Number four, stop fighting.

I'm sick of it.

The ship sails at half past the hour.

Who is that charming little girl?

She went ashore with a handkerchief. But they do go home.

Why shouldn't they? Is it just me, or is it getting louder every day?

We tried everything else. Just call the cops. I can't do that. It's not the

neighborly thing to do.

report a missing person well she's not missing yet but

if you don't get her soon i have a feeling she will be