Original subtitles

Okay, so you owe me $20 for your half of the cable.

I don't even want cable.

You always say that, and you're the one who ends up watching it.

Yeah, exactly.

If it weren't for cable, I'd work out, I'd read, I'd have a life. Cable is

sucking the life out of me.

You expect me to pay for that?

Naked women.

$20, right?

Hi, Ellen.

Hi, Rick. How are you? Good, good.

Haven't taken a shower in four days.

Well, congratulations.

That's a tough habit to break.

See, my hot water heater's broken, so I was wondering if I could borrow some of

yours. Hot water?

Just enough for a sponge bath.

You know what? If you wanted to, Rick, you could even use our shower.

Your shower?

I mean, the one that you... you shower in?

That'd be the one.

Really? Well, that would be such a huge, huge, huge favor.

Not really. I think you'd probably do the same for me.

Oh, I would. I would wash you, Ellen.

Well, that wouldn't be necessary. Do you want to use it now?

No.

You bet. Just let me go get cleaned up first.

You're right here. Hold on a second.

Ellen, it's Audrey. Oh, no, no, no. Tell her I'm not here. Well, I already told

her you were here. Okay, then tell her I'm sleeping. I'm in the shower. I'm

sleeping in the shower.

Ellen, be a man. Take the phone.

What does she see in me? I mean, we waitressed together one summer, seven

ago. People like us are supposed to slowly drift apart.

She refuses to drift.

She's like an anchor, pulling me down, drowning me. I've got to get out.

You know, it's kind of a busy time. Wednesday?

No, Wednesday's not good. I'm going to the dentist.

Yeah, so Thursday.

Well, Thursday is tennis.

Tennis is Thursday. So Friday.

Friday is that I'm driving up to Oxnard

to take my Aunt Fanny.

Really hungry.

So I'll see you for lunch.

Yeah, okay.

Me too. Bye -bye. What is that?

Opera. That is not opera. This is opera.

That's not opera. That's waiting tables.

This is not waiting tables. This is waiting tables.

Obviously you know nothing about opera. You know nothing about opera. Oh, I know

nothing about it. I know plenty about it. Oh, right.

What's the extra $8 on the phone bill?

Call waiting.

We don't have call waiting. I just got it. Oh, Adam, I hate call waiting. No,

no, no, no, no. It's great. Here.

Okay.

Holly. Hi. Listen, do me a favor. Call me back in one minute, okay?

Thanks.

Okay.

Where'd you get that?

I'm very important, Ellen.

Well, okay, the director left it in his office, so I took it home for the

weekend.

Now, who could that be? Adam.

Pick it up.

Hello? Hello?

Me? Doesn't it have great sound? Oh, yeah. It's like you're sitting right

to me.

Oh, I hear a click.

No, that's Holly calling. Go ahead. Click over.

Hello? No, it's still me. You've got to hold it down a little longer.

Hello? Hey, it's me. Hey, what's going on? Nothing.

Why am I calling you?

Adam's playing games.

So what are you guys doing tonight?

I don't know. Adam, what are we doing tonight?

I don't know. Why don't you click over and ask me? I'm on the other line, you

know.

Adam.

Just do it.

Holly, can you hold on? Adam's on the other line.

I didn't know you got call waited. Yeah, neither did I.

Hello. It's still me. Try holding it down a little longer.

This is Adam who's calling.

Will you cut this out?

I'm sorry. I can barely hear you. Can you please speak into the phone?

Adam!

Holly wants to know what we're doing tonight.

I don't know. Why don't you ask her what she'd like to do?

Holly! No, it's still me. I'm telling you, you've got to hold it down longer.

Holly? Uh -huh? What are you up for?

I don't know.

Let's go someplace we can talk and have a beer without guys hitting on us every

five minutes.

Do you realize we've been here for an hour and not one guy has hit on us?

So, Ellen, do you want to have lunch tomorrow?

Sure. You can.

Why not?

What? You're going to the opera?

See?

No, I'm having lunch with Audrey.

Oh, come on. Is she really that bad? Oh, she's awful.

She's really... She's the most negative person I know.

No matter what... I talk about, she always finds some horrible negative take

it. You gotta talk about puppies. No one has anything horrible or negative to

say about puppies. I'm not crazy about puppies.

They're just so grateful and needy. It's degrading.

I like animals with a little self -respect.

Like cows.

You never see a cow begging for attention.

Adam, we're not getting a cow. You know, and also...

Every single time we get together, she brings up the tickets. Her husband works

for some company that works with the Coliseum, and one time she got me these

tickets to a David Bowie concert, and ever since then, every time we get

together, she brings up the tickets. Remember when I got you those tickets?

It's just like the time I got you those tickets.

These chairs are just like the chairs you sat in at the Coliseum that time

I got you those tickets.

Do you realize we've been here an hour and three minutes and not one guy's hit

on any of us?

Well, maybe they're intimidated.

By what?

By me.

Yeah, right, Adam. I'm sure they assume that you're satisfying all three of us

and they'd just be wasting their time.

It's possible.

No, because we're not dressed like that.

Yeah, that and we're not whacking anybody in the face with our breasts.

Strap a big pair of breasts onto a corpse and guys would swarm.

You think you need the corpse?

Pretty sure you could strap a big pair of breasts to anything and guys would

swarm like a ficus plant or a ham sandwich.

Good Lord. I cannot believe what I am hearing. I am deeply offended.

No, you're not.

I am. Men are not that superficial.

I'm not saying we don't like breasts. We do.

But it's much, much more complicated than that. Oh, come on.

I've never had contact with a man before where I started anywhere but here.

Why do you think you're wrong? Oh, well, we're not.

Oh, you're just so certain, aren't you? I mean, you can't prove it.

Actually...

and barking.

I mean, I can't believe he brought his puppy over to my house.

So, um, did you see Nightline last night?

Oh, don't you hate Ted Koppel?

He's so superior.

It's like there's only one opinion in the world and Ted has to have it.

Well, they did this piece on the UN.

Oh, the UN.

What a bunch of hypocrites.

Well, they did this piece on Boutros Boutros Ghali. Oh, I hate Boutros

Ghali.

And what kind of a name is Boutros Boutros?

Hey, Helen.

Hi, Rick. You know, I know I thought it was okay for you to use our shower and

everything, but how long has your water heater been broken out?

A week.

And in that time, how many showers have you taken here?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, 23.

When exactly will your hot water heater be fixed?

Soon, real soon.

Have you called anybody about it?

Uh, no.

Well, that could be what's holding up the process.

I guess I'm putting it off. I just like your shower so much. You have all those

great lotions and soaps and shampoos.

Well,

you know what? They're girls' soaps, Rick.

I know.

But when I use them, I smell like you, and it just makes me feel so good. I

don't care what the guys at work call me.

I think I'm going to have to revoke your showering privileges.

How come?

Because I've lost confidence that that's all you're doing in there.

Just let me grab my stuff and I'll be out of your hair.

Hey. Hey, what's up? Nothing.

Can I borrow your velvet jacket for tonight? It's right there.

Great.

Guess who I have a date with?

Um, a very thirsty two -headed cow?

Is that a new haircut?

No.

Huh.

They look the same as the other night, right? Size, shape?

You're not really going out like that.

Of course I am. What choice do I have? He called and he asked me out. I can't

just show up with no chest.

Yeah, Holly, I don't know how far you plan to take this relationship, but it's

gonna quickly become an issue if he ever plans to go to second base.

I know, I know. But look, if we end up really liking each other, then I can

tell him the truth. But he's gotta get to like the real me before I can tell

about the fake me.

You could always just tell him that you need to get a breast reduction.

Hello? Hi, Ellen, it's Audrey.

next week. Oh, you know what? How about Monday? No, Monday's not good. Tuesday?

Tuesday, uh -uh. Wednesday?

Wednesday's not good either.

Hold on, I'm getting another call.

Hello?

Hey, it's me. Oh, perfect, Anita. Hold on one second.

Audrey, I have an important call on the other line, so I'm going to have to take

it. Oh, okay, just call me when you're done. Well, whenever I can, okay? Okay,

whenever. Bye -bye. That's fine. Okay, bye.

Anita, thank God you called. I was just on the other line with Audrey.

Without a doubt, the most irritating, annoying, life -endangering person on

planet.

Anita?

Oh, hi, Ellen. It's still Audrey.

have called by now. She may never call again.

I don't understand.

Isn't this what you wanted? Yeah, you're right where you want to be. You're

free. Free?

I'm not free.

I'm a prisoner of my own guilt.

I'm mayor of Guilt City.

I'm a castaway on Guilt Island.

The CEO of Guilt Incorporated.

The captain of the USS Guilt. I am Guilto from the planet Guilton.

Listen, I was hoping maybe we could get together this week and have lunch.

I don't know. I'm pretty busy.

Well, how about Wednesday?

No, Wednesday I'm getting my hair done.

Okay, Thursday?

Really can't Thursday.

There's a birthday party at work. Yeah, that's right. There's a birthday party

at work.

Well, what about Friday?

She will be.

Well, it just seems you're not comfortable with me physically.

You know, we've been out a few times together now. We always seem to be

great time together, and yet at the end of the evening, you don't seem to want

me to touch you.

Oh, I do, really.

I do.

Oh, really.

It's just... I've gone through a big change recently, and I'm just trying to

figure out a way to get back to how I used to be.

A big breakup, huh?

Oh, something like that.

relationship before, and I came to find out that he was really only interested

in me for my breasts.

He had the fixation on large breasts. It was just a real disappointment.

Holly, believe me, none of that matters to me at all.

Big or small, you're still the same person. I wouldn't care how small your

breasts were. I still want you just the same.

Really? You mean that?

Absolutely.

That's nice to hear.

I can't take anymore. I'm telling him the truth.

You tried to touch them again?

He's getting really frustrated, and so am I.

Holly, you cannot tell him the truth. But he said he doesn't care how big my

breasts are.

Oh, he cares.

Look, I was a little tipsy the other night. I may have said some things, but

believe me, there's nothing more important to a man than breasts.

Well, that might have been true at first, but we're past... that now. We've

gotten to know each other and we really like each other. I have to tell him the

truth. Plus, these breasts are really hurting my back.

Holly, you can't tell him the truth. He's going to feel like a complete fool.

She's right. You can't.

Ellen, stop.

Your breasts, your decision.

What other choice do I have?

I'm getting a breast reduction.

I'm just not comfortable with them.

Oh, Holly, no.

You're perfect.

Really.

I appreciate that, Nate. I really do. But, oh, I'm just too self -conscious.

Holly, this is a very drastic step you're considering.

I don't want you to rush into anything here that you might regret later.

Please.

Take some time.

Think about it.

I haven't thought about it enough. I have to do this. In fact, I'm going into

the hospital tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Yes.

So, you're sure?

I am.

Well, I guess I'll see you in a few weeks after I've recovered.

All right.

Could I just... I'd rather you didn't.

Audrey, what are you doing here?

Oh, that's right. You live here. I just remembered. I completely forgot. That's

so funny.

Not funny, ha -ha funny, but funny. You know, what a coincidence.

Weird, you know.

Not a knee slapper. That is funny, funny.

But I was just out, you know, ambling. You know me. I'm a big ambler.

Always been a big ambler.

When I was younger, I was a little ambler.

Even my mother. What you doing, little ambler? You know.

You know me. Amble here, ambler.

No, you think I'm the most irritating, annoying, life -endangering person on

planet. No, see, that's what I want to talk to you about. I'm so sorry. That's

not what I think at all. You know, I was having a really bad day. I mean, well,

with all the kittens dying and then, yeah, and then I had an asthma attack.

You know, well, I was at the tail end, but the breathing in and out.

But anyway, that's not your concern, you know, but it's no excuse. But I really,

I really like you, Audrey, and I want us to stay friends.

Please? I don't know.

Please, please, give me another chance. Please?

Well, okay.

Oh, thank you. Thanks.

Well, you were having an asthma attack. Oh, yeah.

So, would you like to come in?

Come in?

Oh, sure.

The night is young.

I just bought all these groceries.

You can help me unpack them and wash all the vegetables.

Well, you know, I don't know if I have time. Oh, come on in. We'll make a big

salad and watch videos.

You know, I record cable. I recorded every movie on HBO last month.

64 of them.

It's kind of like that David Bowie concert I got you tickets for.

I mean, sure, I could have gone, but I knew you wanted to go more. And besides,

I don't really like sitting in a big, crowded place like that with all those

people screaming and yelling and you can hardly hear the music.

It makes me really uncomfortable and it kind of smells funny.

Oh.

It's been too long. Oh, three weeks.

It's good to have you back. It's good to be had back.

Oh, yeah.

So you're okay with all this operation and all that stuff? As long as you're

more comfortable, that's all that matters. Oh, great.

I really am.

Holly?

Yes, Nate?

I think we should just be friends.