All language subtitles for minder_s09e09_last_orders_at_the_winchester

Bye.

You wouldn't find a better fit if you
had it custom built.

I'm not a bit off the price.

No, thank you.

No, thank you.

Another blank.

I'm going to have to reduce that car.

Reduce it by how much? Two owners and at
least 10 ,000 miles.

Hey, get out my chair.

Things are getting desperate.

Don't worry, Arthur. I've just done it
with Turner. You better hope it does.

If things stay the way they are, I'm
going to have to exercise a certain

of wage restraint.

I don't remember a time when you weren't
restraining me wages.

I resent that remark.

I've made all sorts of sacrifices to
keep your wages up to par.

Even cut down on me lardies.

All right, all right. It was only a
joke, Arthur.

In very poor taste.

If you're short of the folding, stop
chasing after every skirt in Metropolis.

Pull your horns in.

Right, Arthur.

Oh, come on. I need a pick -me -up.
Let's go down to Winchester.

And if anybody asks, we're doing better
than outage in the sale.

Confidence is paramount with Joe Public
in this business.

Yes, sir.

Do you hear me?

Yes, Arthur.

Oh, come on.

Lock the door.

Arthur. Dave. Ray.

Dave. Yeah, how's business?

We've had a blinding week, Dave. Oh,
great, great.

Arthur can settle his slate, then.

Thank you very much.

Ignore the boy, Dave.

Lad's always been prone to exaggeration.
Give him a fizzy water to calm him

down. I'll have the usual.

All right, Arthur?

Vic.

What are you up to?

This and that. How's the pub going, Vic?

Getting there. When you take over a
boozer, it takes a while to knock it

shape. The Atman Feathers was a popular
house when old Ernie had it.

Oh, yeah. Don't get me wrong, Dave.

I'm just after something more, er...
Flash?

High profile.

Yo, Vic.

Yeah, all right, babe, don't worry.

I'm on my way. I'll be there in five.

Sorry, chaps, I'm going to have to love
you and leave you.

Bloody barmaids don't know their
Heineken from their elbows.

Catch you later, boys.

See you, Vic.

Think about what I said, Dave.

Right, yeah, right.

All right. Cagney, how are they hanging?

He's much too familiar for a bloke who's
only been on the manor for five

minutes. And he's nosy and all.

What do you mean, think about what I
said?

Aye, just that we were at a licensed
fictionalist's do and someone reminded

that next month is 25 years since I took
over to Winchester.

Yeah, that's brilliant, Dave. Do you
have any do?

Well, that's a bit great, Dennis, but I
don't want to make a fuss.

Right, Danny.

He does indeed work in mysterious ways.

Oh, Dave.

Of course you'll have your due, Dave. If
you was in China, you'd be a public

hero and they'd stick your boat on a
stamp.

Thanks very much.

You have created a rare retreat from the
ravages of life here.

Hundreds of your punters, past and
present, would feel cheated if they were

allowed to celebrate your achievement by
buying the odd lager or four.

And perhaps the odd commemorative mug.

You had me fooled there for a moment,
Arthur.

I thought you was being sentimental.

When opportunity knocks, Dave, you've
got to grab it with both hands. We can

knock out all sorts of memorabilia. T
-shirts, key rings.

I can't believe it. This is the happiest
I've seen you in weeks. Raymond, I am

an entrepreneur.

When I'm starved of business
opportunities, I'm like a young royal

holiday to go to. Well, I'm off. I want
you at the lock -up, 9am sharp tomorrow

morning.

Dave, don't fret.

As your partner, I will organise the
entire party.

I'm definitely going to have one, then.
You most certainly are. I'll have a look

in the diary and I'll tell you what date
it'll be.

Thanks very much.

That'll be nice.

Look, Arthur, are you sure this is a
good idea?

Have a bit of respect, Ray. The man's
done his time.

Anyway, I'm told he's fully qualified
now. Yeah, and breaking an entry.

Don't go on, Ray. You sound like Erling
Daws.

Good morning, my dear. Is Art Attack in?

Hold on.

There's two blokes at the door for you.

Who are they?

I don't know.

One of them looks like a chipping dough.

Hello, Art Attack.

Arthur!

It's Arthur Daly, you silly tart!

Sorry about that, Arthur.

Here, come in, mate.

Yeah, you better wait outside. Keep an
eye on the motor.

Let's talk through here, Arthur.

Oh, right.

Thanks for the cup of tea, Angie.

Um, not me, thank you.

Oh, what a nice view.

I, um... Are you putting it about that
you're a painter and decorator? Yeah,

me full city and guild.

Part one building and all.

Want to see me certificate?

No, no, that won't be necessary.

Mind you, he ain't got a job yet.

Who'd trust a bloke with his record on
their premises?

I'm straight now, I'll be honest.

Never going to do over another gas.

Unless it's with me rag roller.

Well, knowing your propensity for
collapsing at the sound of a burger

think that's very wise. Now, the thing
is, I've come here to put your foot on

the ladder.

It's Dave's 25th anniversary at the
Winchester, and we're laying on a do,

want to have the place done up.

Decorate the Winchester?

Would be an honour.

Well, seeing as I'm doing you a right
favour by putting this prestigious job

your way, I hope that will be reflected
in your fee. Oh, yeah.

You'll get full discount when I give you
my quote.

No, no, no, Art Attack.

Shakespeare Dave quote.

I want from you a firm, fixed price.

250, plus materials, and I want all
receipts.

250?

It's a lot of work there, Arthur.

All right, 275. Take it or leave it.

Yeah, all right.

Well, look, I've got to do some
business.

I'll see you at the Winchester in about
an hour to discuss colour schemes.

All right?

Oh, one other thing, Art Attack.

You are fully fit, aren't you?

I mean, I can't afford medical
insurance.

Oh, yeah. Since the bypass, the doctor
says I'm A1.

Come on, I've got to get Operation
Winter to phase two off the ground.

I think you'll find this is just the
wine you want for Dave's 25th. I didn't

know the Ugandans made wine.

Are you not joining us, Harry?

A bit too early for me, Arthur.

Ooh.

Interesting bouquet, isn't it?

You're not going to taste it? No, no,
but it's just what I'm looking for.

Shall we say eight quid, including
delivery?

Eight quid a bottle.

Eight quid a case.

And you'll change the labels to read,
um, uh, Chateau Winchester.

No, no, no, that's silly.

Souvenir wine from the Winchester Club.

Arthur, you can't expect people to drink
this rubbish.

Oh, who's talking?

Him whose mates can't drink a bottle of
beer without banging a lump of lemon up

his neck. It's for commemorative
purposes. People will probably buy it to

down. Arthur, I won't be able to fit
souvenir wine from the Winchester Club

the labels. Oh, we'll use some
abbreviation. Instead of Winchester

use initials. All right? Come on.

Right, Ray?

Here I... I hope he knows what he's
doing. The man assures me he's fully

qualified.

I don't think this place needs doing up.
Oh, come on, Dave. Think of the

punters. It's had less decoration than
the Italian army.

Your 25th should be the dawn of a new
age for Winchester. We've got to aim to

attract the upmarket like, you know, the
Roller and Camellia Coat Brigade.

Yeah, but what about the cost?

Oh, that's all down to me, Dave.

I'll take the grand and materials that
Art Attack's charging me out of the

I owe you for my share in the business.

How you doing, Art Attack?

When you expect him to surprise you, he
don't.

I think I can work wonders here, Arthur.

I want to give the place to Paul Monty.

I was thinking of an oriental theme.

We could have this wall down and put in
a mock pagoda.

Then, over here, I could build an alcove
and

put up hanging lanterns.

Then I'll cover everything with Japanese
grass paper.

You look like a takeaway.

Here, hang about. I'm talking now as
senior partner.

Redecoration, you said. I don't want the
place rebuilt.

I mean it, Arthur.

All right, Dave. All right. All right.

Art attack.

Perhaps the creative juices are flowing
a little too freely.

Bug a bit of anaglypter up and stick
some paint on it. And look, knock that

down for Dave in the storeroom. That'll
give him more storage space.

All right, you're the governor. If
that's what you want.

I never agreed to no wall coming down.
It makes sense, Dave.

If we're going to increase our clientele
base, we're going to need more room.

Trust me.

Dave!

Sorry, it'd be a pain. Right out of
tonics. Couldn't lend us a crate, could

Yeah, of course. No problem.

Come along, Raymond. I've suddenly
remembered an important engagement.

All right, boys.

Vic. Vic.

How long's he been coming in here?

Oh, Vic.

Oh, he's taken over the outing feathers
around the corner.

I thought it a nice touch, putting
vintage on the label. Oh, that is a

job, Harry.

Hey, Ray, this memorabilia lot may be
bigger than I anticipated.

I may have to take on extra staff.

Oh, that's good to hear, Arthur. When's
he arriving?

Here, look, when you finish that, get
some of that old car paint and slap 25

years on these.

So much for the extra staff.

What do you think of that, Harry?

Thin, Arthur.

Yeah, the stitching falls apart when you
put it over your head. Got one for me

birthday last year.

They are meant to be souvenirs.

They're not supposed to be worn.

Arthur, the T -shirts can't be worn, the
wine can't be drunk.

You're going to end up getting lynched.
Here is the piece of resistance, Harry.

The Winchester club tie.

No, no, no, it's a great tradition.
British club ties are meant to look like

road accident.

I mean, look at that thing the MCC lot
wear.

Oh, that is lovely.

See you, Ken. Bye.

Genius, that's the only word for it. You
couldn't get better if you had

Michelangelo on the end of the brush.

Well, I must admit, it is going down
well with the regulars. Of course it is,

Dave. It gives the old place a bit of
style.

Oh, if I was right, Dave, that's the
trouble with most publicans. They've got

absolutely no style.

Oh, true that is, Vic.

Let's have a look at the storeroom,
shall we?

Oh, yes. There's much more space now
that wall's gone.

That's what you think of turning it into
a pool room, Dave. What do you suggest

I do with my stock?

Details, Dave, details. You've got to
start looking at the bigger picture.

Where's Art Attack?

I don't know.

He must have just shot off.

Modesty. Quality shared by all the very
best interior decorators.

Why is he painted this bit white?

That is what we call tonal modulation.

Let me know if I get too technical for
you.

What are all these cracks?

Looks a bit effing to me.

Don't you have a pub to run? Well, I
asked Art Attack about that and he

it was shrinkage.

Well, there you are then.

Arthur.

Where's Alan?

As far as I knew, he's doing up your
pub.

And he packed his bag and done a runner.

And you don't know where he's gone?

No idea.

Well, if he turns up, tell him Arthur
Daly wants a word.

You don't mind risking his heart
working?

Any other sort of exertion if you don't
want to know?

Who'd fancy a cup of tea, do you?

Nothing.

Well, Vic reckons that all that is
subsidence.

What does he know? Quite a bit, I'd say.

Who knocked down that wall in the
storeroom? Our interior designer.

He's fully qualified.

I'd like you to give me his name.

Why? Do you want to use him? No.

I want to warn our other clients to
avoid him. That wall he's demolished was

part of a load -bearing wall. He should
have replaced it with an RSJ.

I knew it was a mistake listening to
you.

Well, put an RS whatever it is in now.

It's too late, I'm afraid.

I'll have to do a detailed survey to
confirm it, but I'm more or less certain

that these cracks have been caused by
undue pressure on the foundations,

them to shift.

It's all going to need underpinning.

How much is that lot going to cost?

Give or take a couple of hundred.

£30 ,000, I'd say.

That'd be great.

Well, don't just stand there making a
crisis out of a crisis. Get the

check. I'm sorry, but you knocking that
wall down violated the terms of your

policy. Your insurance is invalid.

And until the work's done, this is a
dangerous structure.

I'm going to have to recommend to the
council that the Winchester's shut.

This is a poignant moment.

We've weathered recessions, winter of
discontent, three -day week, but never

all that time have the welcoming portals
of the Winchester been closed.

I tell you what, Art Attack better stay
in Iden if he knows what's good for him.

Right now he's the second most hated man
on the manor. Who's the first?

Well, who do you think, Arthur?

Me?

I engage that man in all good faith.

Well, the land... Lord has given us a
week. If we ain't come up with 30 grand,

he's going to sue us for the cost of
repairs, plus the loss of revenue for

being able to rent out a place. Oh, my
God. Well, just remember, I'm a minor

shareholder. But major blameholder.

Now, listen, Arthur. If you don't come
out with that money within a week, the

Winchester Club's going to be shut for
good, and that'll be my living down a

pan. All right, Dave, all right. Rest
assured, I will do everything in my

to get this sorted.

Now, let's just go and sit down and talk
about it calmly and quietly over a

drink. All right.

Where do you suggest we go then, Arthur?

Vic?

I reckon that a pint shot will come up
with about seven grand.

Well, Arthur?

Well, at a stretch, I suppose I could
probably match that.

You must be able to do better than that,
Arthur. That hardly covers what you owe

me. Times are hard. This anniversary was
supposed to be my salvation, remember?

He could liquidise some of your assets.

Well, Frankie Miller said he'd give you
five grand for those two motors.

That's a grand less than what I paid for
them.

Remember what Mr. McCorber said.

Frog something for less than you paid
for it, and you'll soon be up a swanny

without a paddle.

Thanks a bunch, Arthur.

fair everyone having a pop at me. You
just promised to move heaven and earth,

and now you want to move a couple of
capris.

All right, all right, I'll unload the
cars, I'll let you have the five grand,

but that's a lot.

I'm cleaned up. Yeah, so leave us 11
grand, sure.

Yeah, right. What about your secret
offshore account?

Excuse me, excuse me, miss.

Why do they keep ignoring me?

Well, I don't think they know how
important you are here, are they?

These bits of gold have got no business
behind the bar.

They lack your maturity, Dave. What can
I get you, Ray?

Oh, a large VAT, please.

I beg your pardon?

A large VAT. No, it's all right, Sandra,
it's with me. I'll have a large rock

and tonic and a couple of bars of lager.

Can you do something about this music?

Well, ban all music in pubs. Yeah, we
don't want people starting to join

themselves, do we?

Chaps, what can I say? You must be
double gutted. I know I am. Well, hey,

Listen, you're not comfortable here.
There's a function room upstairs you can

use. Some of your regulars there
already.

I'll show you. All right. I'll get
these, shall I? Yeah, good lad.

We'll see you upstairs.

Yeah, find yourself some.

Oh, thanks.

Is that who I thought it was?

Unless you're from the Inland River and
you're here.

Told my dad I'd tell you a couple of
months back.

Sorry about that.

No, it works fine.

Dad reckoned it was a bargain.

Satisfied customer. We all know him and
his stuff.

Cheers.

Yeah, looks like we might be using this
as our local for a little while.

That's nice.

So we'll be seeing a lot more of each
other.

You and your dog.

I think I just might.

Mightn't there up to be anything, am I?

No, Gloria, I was just telling...

Well, you know Founder, don't you?
Hello, Founder. Yeah, I was just telling

that, well, a good job that Vic was
doing with the Poe.

The club's dead.

I swore I'd never drink in your company
again, Arthur. Me neither.

As far as I'm concerned, you're
responsible for me being booted out of a

that I regard as my second home.

Winchester's more like my first home.
Look, for the last time, it's Arthur

who got the blame for this debacle, not
me.

Besides, I've already pledged a
considerable cash sum towards repairs.

Look, all these recriminations are
getting us nowhere.

At last, the voice of reason.

What we should be doing is thinking of
ways to raise the necessary to get the

Winchester open again.

Oh, we're bunging your whip, man.

Listen to that.

Must do your art good to hear you're
held in such esteem, Dave.

Very kind of you, Barry.

Bunging fibres into a hat is not going
to solve our problem. We've got to think

on a much bigger scale.

Why don't you arrange some sort of
fundraising event?

Oh, yeah. What about a marathon?

All right.

Parachute jump. Will you be sensible?

They had a charity bash down at the
football club a couple of weeks ago.

My old man won a fondue.

That's it, Pete.

We're going to organise a Winchester at
11 and have a football match.

Look, maybe I'm short -sighted, Raymond,
but how are we going to raise money by

chucking four coats on the ground and
kicking a ball about?

It'll be a benefit match like the
testimonials they have at the Arsenal,

we can charge the punters an entrance
fee, all the proceeds go to Winchester.

Yeah, but who are we going to play?

How about West Ham?

Leave it, Ed.

Yeah. How about the old bill? Are you
mad?

Oh, it's brilliant.

Well, think about it. There's a load of
people to pay to see a team from the

Winchester meet their coppers head on.
That's right. You can count me in.

There's a couple of uniforms I wouldn't
mind meeting in the tackle, eh?

Hey, and there's no need to worry about
kit.

I turned over a sports wear -out last
week.

My kitchen's carrying more Scotland lily
whites in a minute. It's a bit louder,

George. I don't think Scotland Yard
heard that. Yeah, I do think you'll be a

dodgy, you know, playing the law dressed
in knocked -off clobber. You can have a

charity auction after the game. Yeah.
Yeah, that's right. I saw one of them at

boxing do.

Raised a pile of bread.

Mind you, they did have Samantha Fox as
the auctioneer. Well, that's no problem.

We can get a celebrity in to do ours.
Yeah, Monty Fish is the man you want for

that. He got an East Ender, Ronnie
Dyson, to open one of his dress shops.

Right, we'll leave that to you then,
Arthur, yeah?

All I can say is thanks very much,
everyone.

Let's have another drink.

I reckon under the circumstances, it's
Arthur's round.

Period.

All right, bang it on my slate.

Arthur, you ain't got a slate here.

Arthur Daly getting in around for cash.

It's almost worth having the winches to
close just to see that.

Good night, Sid.

Putting in a bit of overtime, are we,
Thor?

Somebody's got to do it.

If it was left to you, the only place
you'd find a villain would be in a pub.

I've put away more villains than you'll
ever meet.

Bone.

There's a trouble with these flyers from
Endham.

They're out of touch.

I've got something you might be
interested in.

Look, I'm gonna go.

No, not yet, Glor.

Hey, Rafa.

Ain't it about time you were off?

No, it's only 11 o 'clock.

Much too early. I'll go home now. We're
indoors. They'll think I'm ill.

Doesn't she worry where you are?

We got over all that nonsense years ago.

You know, it's true what they say.

You never miss your water till the well
runs dry.

I was completely at a loss tonight
without the Winchester.

And Vic's place is no substitute. I
mean, I've got enough money worries

having to pay for the drinks.

It's much cheaper here, eh?

Look, Arthur, I don't want to be rude,
but I'd like a little bit of time to

myself.

With... Gloria, that is.

Well, don't worry about me, Ray.

I won't get in the way.

Good afternoon, my dear. Is Monty about?

Yeah, did you have an appointment with
Mr Fish?

Tell him it's Arthur Daly. He'll fit me
in.

Isn't that the, um, you know, the geezer
in the bleach advert?

Yeah.

He looks taller on the telly.

So what do you reckon? Any chance of
your mob putting out a team?

Come on.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind. It'd be a bit of
a laugh.

But I can't see you -know -who being too
keen.

He gets a bit irrational when it comes
to anything to do with Uncle Arthur.

Young Daly, what have you been arrested
for?

Nothing. I've just come to ask a favour.
A favour? I'm a police officer,

Raymond, not a social worker.

They're having a football match in aid
of the Winchester.

And they wanted us to put up a team to
play them. You seriously expect us to

play soccer with the people you
associate with?

I'll get the message.

Forget it. No, no, we'll do that.

Are you serious?

Certainly.

A nice one.

See you on the pitch.

Community relations talk.

Arthur. Monty. Come in.

Take the weight off.

Now, what do you think of this, Arthur?

Isn't she something?

How are you, Monty?

Oh, making a crust.

Yourself? Much the same.

Oh, isn't she a little darling?

Drink? Oh, no, no. It's a bit too early
for me. I wouldn't say no to one of your

lardies. Oh, certainly.

Well, what can I do you for? Well, I
don't know whether you are aware of the

plight of the Winchester Club at
present. Yes, I am. It's a tragedy.

Yeah. I hope that little Herbert that
knocked that wall down is going to get

just desserts.

Oh, he will. He will. The moment his
boat is sighted, he will get a copious

slapping. Whatever made Dave employ such
a prat?

Who knows? Who knows?

Anyway, in order to raise some money, we
are going to hold a benefit football

match and a charity auction.

And we thought if we got a well -known
face to do the kick -off, play the

auctioneer, and make himself generally
available to Joe Public for autographs

and so forth, it would boost the crowds.

Good idea.

Did you have a particular celebrity in
mind?

Well, we want someone who's a draw, you
know, someone with a certain amount of

gravity. I was thinking in terms of
Brucie or Tarby, that area.

Well, it's possible I could get you
someone like that, but mind you, their

are a bit steep.

Ah, I don't think I've made myself
clear, Monty. You see, being a

event, we were wondering if they'd be
prepared to, um,

waive their fee and do the whole thing
for gratis.

Well, I mean, it does have showbiz
connections.

I can remember dear old Dickie Valentine
doing a turn there in the 60s, and they

get a very big splash from a local rag
and gratitude from the local community.

Yes, but we're the best one in the
world, Arthur.

You can hardly call the Winchester
Drinking Club a worthy cause.

Look.

I can do you a minor soap star for 200.

An ex -soap star comes even cheaper.

Hey, what about your lad who does the
bleach advert?

Would he be interested?

What's up with everyone?

There's been a bit of a problem on the
manor.

George has been nicked.

You're joking.

Well, that's his worry. We're up to here
with problems of our own.

Did you get hold of the celebrity,
Arthur? No, I didn't. But did you try?

Even Lionel didn't want to know any
turnout for the opening of an envelope.

And I thank you not to give me
aggravation at a time like this. You're

Never mind.

Morley's agreed to put a team up, so we
should still get a decent turnout.

Yeah, but without a celebrity, we can't
charge much more than a fiver. I mean,

at best, we're only going to make a
couple of grand.

It's a bit short of 11 ,000, isn't it?
Well, what about the charity auction?

The nations are coming in very slowly,
Ray.

It's because Arthur's involved.

Everyone thinks it's some sort of
fiddle.

I'm very wounded at everyone's attitude
towards me in this matter.

Charles, any change?

Do you know what that round cost?

Vic's charging what he likes.

It grieves me to see the profits from
all our regulars going into Vic's

instead of the Winchester's.

Well, they're not, are they, Arthur?

And that is why I am looking for a job.

Don't you worry, Dave. I'll find
something for you.

No, thanks, Arthur.

Here, Dave. You know what's happened
now?

Yeah? Sammy Boo's been nicked.

What for?

Nobody knows.

He reckons he was fitted up.

Well, that's the fourth this week.

We'll be lucky if we have a team.

Even Morley wouldn't be nicking people
just to nub all the Winchester, would

Why don't you ask him?

Right.

Your governor's been a bit free with the
charges this week, hasn't he?

That's nothing to do with us.

I just hope you're putting up some sort
of opposition daily.

Remember, you talked me into this.

Come on.

Are you sure I can't persuade you to
stay and watch the Mac, Padre? No,

I really ought to be going, can't you?

Sunday's my rush day, you know. Yeah, of
course.

Oh, and...

Thanks again for the eye on the ground.

Are you sure you won't accept a fee?

Certainly not. It's a pleasure to help.

Winchester's always been one of my
favourite cathedrals. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Vicar.

Thanks, Vicar.

Don't seem right somehow, Arthur.

Calling the clergy?

He's the one who married me and her
indoors.

I prefer to think of it as settling an
old score.

Right, time for the team talk. Give the
boys a bit of encouragement. Right.

Yeah, now listen, it's all down to us
now, lads. So no clowning about and keep

the ball in the move, yeah? Now, look,
if we could just put the brake on the

banter for a minute or two, I'd like to
say a few words. Now, settle down, boys,

settle down.

Now, first off, tactics.

I've examined all the options, kick and
run, sweep them up and under, and the

long balls, and I've come down in favour
of total football. I want us to echo

the great Brazilian teams of the past
with our flowing thoughts and our

legwork. Right, we'll let that check
out. Is that clear?

Crystal, come on, let's get you. And I
also want you to consider...

Why we are here? To work one up Morley
and his mob, right?

No, Barry, something far more important
than that. The fate of the Winchester

Club is in your hands.

I want you to go out there and inspire
them fans to put their hands deep in

their pockets and buy them charity
souvenirs. And remember the words of

England's greatest leader.

Gary Lineker?

Winston Churchill.

I have nothing to give but blood, toil,
sweat... and sweat.

Never... On the football field of human
conflict.

Who is that? I'm trying to motivate
people here.

What are you... All right, Arthur.

I am not a violent man, but I'm quite
happy to make an exception. Calm down,

Arthur. Just calm down.

Arthur, Dave, I'm sick about what
happened on this, but I can make it up

Impossible.

This is yours.

What is it?

Money. What money?

I ain't got time to count it.

I come straight here after I've done
Vic's place over.

Are you completely mental?

There's a little old bill out there to
sing the Alleluia Chorus, and you turn

with a bag full of stolen reddies?

I'm sorry, Arthur.

I thought I'd get my own back on Vic and
pay you back at the same time, see?

It's only his grass money.

Ray, tell me this is a nightmare.

Arnott, did you say that this was Vic's
grass money? I haven't seen him for

years till he come in your drinker.

Slick Vic, the policeman's pal.

It was him that got me set down last
time. He must have put a finger on

and the others.

Well, in no circumstances, I don't mind
accepting a few extra fibres for the

Winchester fund.

How much was there in the till?

Not a lot, Arthur.

But it was ten grand in the safe. Oh,
God!

How do you think we're going to hang on
to this?

What will you do about laundering,
Arthur?

Laundering? You need to know about
conjuring to make this disappear.

Arthur, this will be the answer to our
prayers.

I mean, I don't suppose that auction's
going to be worth a lot.

It's worth more than you think, Dave.

If I could get Gloria to tell the boys
to work... Am I

interrupting something?

No, just discussing tactics in privacy.

Can't be too careful. You know what
policemen are like.

Oh, don't mind me.

I'm completely impartial, of course.

I didn't realise you were actually
playing.

Me?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm just here in
executive capacity.

Oh, good.

Only one of the linesmen needs some kit.

Oh, attack!

Get changed.

Move.

Our midfield dynamo.

Thorpe.

How very unfortunate.

No, you're right. You can't go to the
police in the normal way, can you?

Let me explain something to you, Vic.

To me, you're just a useful furbit. Like
a plumber.

You mend the pipes, I pay the bills.

You drop the money down a drain.

Not my problem.

Well, I suggest you do what you always
do.

Keep your ear to the keyhole.

Thank you for coming.

For your sake, that bulge in your sock
is nothing more dangerous than a shin

pad. That's all there are, Mr. Morley.

Phil? Edson.

Yeah, we'll have a kick -off.

We'll stay as we are.

Uh, Phil?

Can I have my coin back?

Oh, sorry about that, Sarge.

Rhett! Rhett! All right, if I comes on,
one of my players needs treatment.

Why? What's wrong with him? Well, he
says it's crap.

How can he have? We haven't even kicked
off yet.

That's a run down the off -licence
before the game. That's a fair step.

treat him off the pitch.

I want to get on.

Come on, Winchester.

I prefer football.

told me you'd turned up again. I just
want a little word, sweetheart.

You know what a little word you'll get.
Come on, darling.

You'll always let a man in, won't you?
Of course I will.

Did you bring one with you?

Listen, I've been done over.

If it was him, I'll make him sorry.

I'll tell him.

If I see him.

Gonna move your foot?

I'll find him, you know.

Ah! God!

Bitch!

safe to leave it in the dressing room.

It's safer out here.

I'll have to get rid of it.

Ain't it a lot of time yet?

Come on, keep on your feet.

Just keep playing your natural game and
expressing yourself.

Two on down.

And they haven't even rubbed the sweat
yet.

You've got to start getting it tight in
the back and hit them on the break.

Yeah, that's right, Ray.

What?

Matchup end.

No hard feelings, Phil?

No, Sarge.

I mean, what's the sending off compared
with the coroner, eh?

Pity about that.

I want to enjoy myself.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll bring good
tidings. I have just come from Alan's

bedside, where he's making a good
recovery in the arms of his loving wife,

Angie.

He sends his best and says any
contribution he has made to save the

Fund... was well worth the effort.

Charge your glasses and let the auction
commence.

Ladies,

gentlemen, and me uncle Arthur.

As you know, this auction's on behalf of
an institution we all hold dear. The

Winchester Club.

And for a man we both like and admire,
ladies and gentlemen, I'll give you

So I hope you're all in a very generous
mood tonight. Now, lot number one has

been donated by my very own mother and
is an ornament in the shape of a Spanish

dancer.

I think the middle will go for that.

Yeah, looks quite attractive, Sergeant.

So who'll start the bidding?

£10. Seeing is believing, ladies and
gentlemen. A £10 bid from Detective

Sergeant Morley.

£250. £250 from the back. I'll bid £300.

£300 at the front. That's ridiculous.

£450.

£4 .50 at the back. £4 .50, £4 .50.

Going.

Knocked out a peewee for £450, ladies
and gentlemen.

Now, lot number two has been donated by
yet another member of my family. No

prizes for guessing who.

And it's half a dozen cases of a lovely
little wire, nice little tipple, the

Chateau Winchester.

Now, I can guarantee you, ladies and
gentlemen, this is a genuine daily

edition. He's only got another 50 cases
back in the lock -up.

That boy is seriously lacking in respect
for me.

So who'll start the bidding on this one?

250 quid.

250 quid a piece?

300. 300 for the charming young lady in
the middle there?

400. 400. Thank you, sir. You know,
Arthur, at this rate, I reckon we can

10 grand.

10 ,355 pounds at least, Dave. 800
pounds for a lady. 800.

Going once, twice.

Sold to Lady Hawthorne for 800 subs,
ladies and gentlemen.

What's going on here? I don't know if
it's a cynical Mr Morley. What you are

witnessing is a genuine outpouring of
affection for the Winchester Club.

Right, ladies and gentlemen, Gloria,
next item, please.

Lot number three, and I'm sure you'll
all be very pleased about this, is a

copper's helmet.

Too bold.

This was the very copper's helmet found
outside the Winchester in 1975 that was

involved in the Wilsdon Market Traders'
Punch -Up and donated today by Harry the

At -Hawkins. Nice one, Harold.

Leaving so soon, Vic?

Harper, I want to show you something
before you go, yeah?

Look.

Amazing, isn't it?

What is?

Grass, Vic, grass.

Springs up in the most unexpected
places.

See all them brown patches out there?

That's where he got trodden on by Big
Heavy Boots.

Never seems to come back after that.

It won't happen again.

Trust me on it.

I trust you, Vic.

I trust you to get off this manor for
good tonight before I put word around

about you and your little sideline.

For my pub?

I'm scared.

Dave will take over the Attenfeathers
until the Winchester's repaired.

You bloody planned this, didn't you?

Me?

Now the next lot, ladies and gentlemen,
is the first of our novelty items.

It's the throaty bit that Dave retrieved
from Barbara Winters Cleavage when she

visited the club in 1969.

Do I hear 500?