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It is our differences that make us special.

So, to conclude, you are your greatest asset.

You are you.

That's the best speech by a returning alumni I've ever heard.

Hey.

That well-structured but emotionally resonant piece of oratory

made me remember how sexy you are.

Carrie! Carrie!

Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie!

Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie!

- Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! - Carrie!

Carrie?

Carrie?

I said, do you remember it being this small?

I swear it was bigger when we were here.

Maybe we've just grown up.

Oh.

- Crazy. - Crazy.

Jinx!

- Ow! - Dead arm! No taksies backsies!

Attention, everybody.

Thank you.

Now, we will be kicking off at 7.45 with the head-girl speech.

Then, subject awards, attendance awards,

and finally, our closing keynote alumni.

Now, while I have you all here, may I remind all parents that...

Michael!

Powers are not permitted on school premises.

Get down.

- Wanker. - I heard...

I heard that.

So, I'm getting the outstanding achievement award,

and Carrie's doing the alumni speech.

What are you doing, Jen?

I'm doing your dad.

- Mary, I swear, I... - Ian, I know.

Jen has the very important job this evening of supporting her family.

- Do we trust Jen with important jobs? - Well, your dad does.

Because I'm giving him blow jobs. I'm blowing him.

- Mary, I didn't touch... - Shut up.

Jesus, there's Susan. Shut up about blowing each other.

- Who's Susan? - Mum's trying to get in Susan's clique.

- I told her you can read minds. - What?

I told her you can read minds.

Susan, hello!

How do you stay so young-looking?

We'll be mistaking you for one of the students next.

But you know, one of the sexy ones.

Andy, congratulations again. Greenwich Conservatoire?

- Incredible. - Yes.

And this must be Jen.

Oh.

Yeah, good one.

What do you mean?

Good one.

Yeah, very funny.

You think it's funny that I was asking

if you knew that Mrs Henderson had passed away?

I...

Oh, I can see Flo waving at me. I better...

- Why did you tell her I could read minds? - I thought it sounded impressive.

It's better than explaining your whole situation.

Jen, look. I know you're riddled with fear and anxiety.

Feelings of shame around your changing body.

- That's not what I'm feeling. - Sorry.

It's hard to differentiate in groups. Especially teenagers.

No, no, no. That's not normal.

Someone is bursting at the emotional seams in here.

I'm trained in mental-health first aid.

- I must find them. - What are you doing?

If I lose one sense, the others get sharper.

I feel you.

"Every day, I get to meet people from all walks of life. From kids... "

What would make this evening go from unbearable to just about bearable?

Humility and the support of good friends.

Close. Getting shit-faced.

Where are you gonna find drinks in a school?

Right where we left them.

The stash.

The stash.

Really think no one's found it after all these years?

Where do you put something

you don't want disturbed in a Catholic school?

Thank you, Jesus.

Jesus.

I don't know. I-I should stay sharp for my speech.

And it's a weeknight.

Oh, come on.

It's just sad if I make poor decisions by myself.

For me?

Ah, class. Fags.

Hello?

We're closing up this corridor. Is anyone there?

- I think it's Rebecca Baxter. - Rebecca Baxter?

Rebecca "personally gave half of our year eating disorders" Baxter?

All the spit just left my mouth.

I always thought when I'd run into an old bully,

I'd be able to rub something in their face, but I've got nothing.

What if she makes me cry?

Never let a predator smell your fear.

Come on, quick. Make yourself big.

Carrie Jackson? Jennifer Regan?

Oh, my God.

It has been so long.

How have you guys been? You look so good.

Why are you here?

I work here. I'm a teacher.

Why? Oh, do they let you hit the kids now?

You were always so funny, Jen.

So, what have you guys been up to?

Oh, God. Duh. What did you get?

Conduit for the dead.

Spooky. Kinda similar actually. I can revisit memories.

What about you, Jen? I bet it's something really cool.

What is your deal? Hmm? Why are you being so nice?

Did you become some weird kind of Christian,

or... or are you dying? What is it?

Honestly, when I got my power, I would go back and watch myself, and...

Oh, boy. Yeah.

So, it turns out,

being able to replay all the terrible things you've ever done

makes you rethink some stuff.

- So I'm nice now. - Prove it.

Well, it's, like, more of a general state of being.

- I don't know how to... - Money. You could give us money.

Um, yeah, all right.

- I've actually only got a 20. - Yeah. That'll do. Yeah. Yep.

Thank you.

Carrie, are you okay? You seem a bit tense.

I-I've got some camomile tea in the staff room.

- Let me make you a cup? - Okay.

Great, great. It-It's just down the hall.

You gonna be much longer?

I don't know. How long does it take to wash off the stain of cowardice?

Have you tried scrubbing it?

Leave me alone.

I'd quite like my bed back.

I'll get out when I'm ready.

When will that be?

When I no longer feel the cruel sting of sadness.

So, like, five minutes?

Jesus.

Why is your mum sending me outfit options

for the family Christmas card?

She still thinks we're together.

I haven't even told her about not getting into the Conservatoire yet.

I can't tell her that we've broken up as well.

- Well, it's not my problem. - I know!

Sort yourself out.

Fuck!

- What are you doing in here? - I was having a really quiet pooh.

- What did you hear? - You didn't get into the Conservatoire.

- You've been lying to everyone. - I haven't.

Oh! You bashed up your violin, didn't you?

I knew this power would come back to bite you

in your freakishly strong arse.

Are you okay?

"Are you okay?"

Yeah, I'm okay.

At least I have something in my life to ruin.

What is the worst-case scenario for you?

The funeral home stops selling your foundation?

Why did your girlfriend dump you, anyway? Did you break her fanny?

- Did you break her fanny? - It was a hairline pelvic fracture.

Oh, my God! You finger-blasted your girlfriend into the hospital.

- This is the best day of my life. - You are such a fucking child.

- I'm gonna tell Mum. - Don't tell Mum. Please.

I'll do whatever you want.

- Whatever I want. - Well, not sex stuff. Ew.

- Oh, my God. - I didn't say sex stuff. Gross.

- It came out in a really nonce-y tone. - I'll tell you what.

Never call me a nonce again. That's a start.

Hello.

- Me again. - Why didn't I lock the door?

I'm gonna cheer you up.

What are you hiding?

The brush.

Put it down.

One of the few things I remember from the cat times:

Getting the brush, pure bliss.

- Don't brush me! - Relax.

The brush is very powerful.

No, I said don't... d-don't brush me!

Oh.

- It's actually quite nice. - Shh.

No thoughts. Just brush. Who's a good boy?

- Me. - And good boys get the brush.

Mmm.

What the fuck! Stop.

- You don't like the brush? - No, it's fucking weird.

- Then what makes you happy? - I don't know!

Everyone always yells at me for not knowing stuff,

but how am I supposed to know if people won't tell me?

Penguins.

I like videos of penguins falling over.

It's what makes me happy.

You will do anything I say, or I'm telling.

Girls, Susan has this great story about Tesco.

It's... It's mad.

Go on.

I thought something was full price,

and when I got to the till it was reduced.

Oh, Jesus!

It's like Richard Pryor never died.

- Where did you two go to? - Just doing some sisterly bonding.

I'm so glad that you're here, Susan.

You know, Andy was just about to do the family dance.

Oh, it's been years since you've done the family dance.

- I'm not doing the family dance. - Oh, I wanna see the family dance.

What's the family dance?

It's a dance that Andy made up

when she was taking break-dancing lessons in primary.

- You said you were too old for it. - I am.

You're never too old for the magic of dance.

Oh!

Okay, that's... that's enough of that. Okay.

Are you cold?

No.

Well, it's a bit chilly, but I'm fine.

Oh, my God. Here. Just take... take my jumper.

- No, no, no, no. - Take my jumper, you...

I'm sorry. Please take my jumper.

But then you'll be cold.

Here, take my jumper.

- Don't be silly. - No, I insist.

Okay, that's fine.

- Okay. Sorry. Thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you.

I was so excited when they said you'd be back for the alumni speech.

I was a little surprised they asked me.

Shut up. You're like a big, fancy lawyer. Why not you?

Must be so weird to bump into Jen again.

You guys were so close in school.

Oh, we still are. We... We live together.

Oh.

You're surprised we're still friends?

No. No, no, no. Not at all. No.

- Well, no. No, no, no. - What is it?

Do you not think that she was a bit of a drama queen

and you had to live in her shadow a lot?

I'm sorry, that's so mean. That's just...

I do try, but sometimes, it just...

That's not how I remember it.

She was always there when it really counted.

Look, if my power has taught me anything,

it's that what you think happened

and what actually happened can be very different.

I'm not remembering it wrong.

I'll show you.

You'll show me.

Let's do it. Memory me.

All right. I'm sure I'm wrong.

When are we?

Our own prize-giving. Sixth form.

Don't know why we're in the bathroom though.

The ceremony should be in full swing.

Oh.

What does it say?

I'm not sure. All the instructions are in Polish.

Well, it's the only one I could find in the corner sklep.

- Who's the dad? - I don't know. Michael Duncan.

Daniel Kim.

Tom Welleridge.

Oh! We'll have to do the Mamma Mia! thing in 18 years.

I can't sing for shit, Carrie.

What am I gonna do?

I thought you were a virgin.

I am. But we shared that bathroom on the coach trip to Bath,

and I didn't wipe the seat before I sat down,

and there was something wet, and I don't know if it was come.

Jen, you're not pregnant.

Oh, you can read Polish?

I need to go and pick up my award. Best attendance is a big deal.

No, no, no. Stay, please. No, I'm gonna do one more for luck,

- and I need you to stay and watch me pee. - Why?

'Cause I'm feeling very vulnerable now, Carrie.

And I can't focus with that staring at me.

So she stopped you from picking up your own award.

Okay. That was bad. But one time doesn't make a pattern.

There.

Show me another one. I'm sure she'll redeem herself.

Is this my graduation?

I thought I'd pick a day that's all about you

so that Jen can show how supportive she is.

Uh, maybe we should try a different day.

Carrie, I need your help.

Mum doesn't know I dropped out.

She thinks I'm graduating today and she's here. But obviously, I'm not.

So I need to borrow your cap and stuff real quick. Is that okay?

- What? - Just for the photo.

- Smile. - I'm sorry.

I know I'm such a fuck-up.

No. It's... It's fine.

Smile.

Ready?

Smile.

- Yoo-hoo! Jennifer. - Hi, Mum!

- You ready? - Yeah. No, I'm coming.

Two minutes.

Next.

That's it. Chin up a bit.

Lovely. And smile.

Okay. Historically, maybe she could've been better.

- But she... she's changed. - Mm-hmm.

I mean, you changed. I better give her the benefit of the doubt.

Or maybe you should sack up and stop being such a pushover.

Don't get me wrong. Jen is a self-obsessed bitch.

But you're just as bad, you simpering fucking jellyfish.

I'm so sorry. You're just such an easy target.

- I can't help myself. - It's okay.

You're trying, and that's what counts.

Stand up for yourself, you tepid slut.

I need to remove myself from this situation.

Carrie, good luck with the speech. It'll be great.

You have a weird forehead,

and that's the ugliest fucking jumper

I've ever seen in my life. Goodbye.

It's your jumper.

I've written you an acceptance speech.

- I want you to read it. - No.

- Mum... - Okay, fine. Give it.

- I'm not reading this. - Mother!

Okay, okay. I'll read it.

Weirdo.

Oh.

Oh, you're back.

- Are you and Saint Rebecca best buds now? - No, don't think so.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

Oh, I better go. I wanna get a good seat.

I don't want to miss anything.

- Really? - Oh, my God.

I've never looked forward to a speech more in my life.

Oh, thank you.

Michael! Down!

Stupid birds.

You ready to get out now?

I think I am.

But maybe just one more video.

Type in "funny fire-safety demonstration fails."

There's a really good one with a guy with a moustache.

I don't wanna spoil it, but don't get too attached to the moustache.

That man looks a bit like you.

What?

You! You with them?

No, mate. Don't know 'em.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

It's got 400,000 views.

Is that a lot?

I'll go sleep in the kitchen.

And the physics prize goes to Maisie Costas.

Big round of applause, please.

No, no, no, no.

Smaller round of applause, please.

Take that thing off.

I think I've nearly found them.

Oh.

I just want you to know, I'm here for you.

And now, for the final award of the night.

This goes to a gifted violinist who recently got into

one of the most prestigious musical conservatoires in the country.

The award for outstanding achievement goes to...

Andy Douglas.

Ladies, gentlemen, distinguished guests...

... Count Dracula.

It's a pleasure to see you all here this evening.

It might look like I, a humble lesbian, won this award all by myself,

but my moderate success is all down to one person.

My sister, Jennifer.

Isn't that lovely?

People say to me,

"Andy, is it a living hell to have a sister

who is a genius and also so hot?"

And to those people, I say, yes.

But she's also done so much for me.

When I had explosive diarrhoea at Disneyland Paris,

who bartered with Goofy for his trousers to cover up my shame?

When I was voted ugliest baby of 2004, who contested the judgement?

When I demanded Nelson Mandela be put back in prison...

Do you know what?

I'd like to thank myself for this award.

I've worked hard. I deserve it.

Although, I would like to dedicate this award

to all the people who have never achieved anything.

Never been the best at anything.

They must feel really lame

and... and lash out in pathetic ways because that's all they can do.

So, yes, this is dedicated to my sister.

- What are you doing? - Andy didn't get into the Conservatoire

because she can't play the violin anymore

because of her freakish strength.

And she lied to all of you about it.

And she broke her girlfriend's fanny.

I think it might be Andy.

Oh, here we go. No, we're not falling for it.

Come on. We're not buying it.

What have you done?

No, hey.

Let's get back on track.

Please welcome Carrie Jackson, class of 2015.

- At the bathroom. - The bathroom?

What does it mean to achieve?

But you couldn't for one evening, you little gobshite!

You are a cold and barren woman!

Well, there have been many definitions over the centuries.

I was absolutely mortified. Mortified!

Oh, no. Now Susan's not going to fuck you.

I don't want to fuck Susan!

Maybe I'll fuck Susan.

It's the closest I'm going to get to a loving mother.

She's joking. She's joking.

Um...

Um, success in the modern world is...

Sorry.

What does it mean to achieve?

Oh, there you are. Where have you been?

I think I left our drinks in here.

Also, I've alienated my entire family

and humiliated myself in front of everyone.

So...

- Carrie? - What?

I think I've really fucked it actually.

Have you? Again? Shocker.

Why you being weird? I'm having a crisis here.

- Course you are. - Can you tell me why you're mad at me?

I don't have the mental capacity for this right now.

I was meant to speak.

And now, because of your tantrum, I don't get to.

Oh.

- Why are you laughing? - I thought it was something serious.

Ah, so it's only your problems that are important.

I'm sure you have plenty of problems, with your long-term boyfriend

and your promising career and your cool power.

My power is not all it's cracked up to be.

It got you a job.

Do you know how many people wanna speak to me?

Not someone famous.

Not some pharaoh or president. Just me.

No one.

- I have to listen to you now, so... - No one ever cares what I have to say.

Well, they did tonight. But of course, you couldn't let that happen.

You couldn't bear an interruption of the Jen show.

So I'm selfish?

Yes. You always have been.

It's always been about you.

Oh, stop being so dramatic.

Who did I lose my virginity to?

Okay, what foods am I allergic to?

When did my nan die?

- Fifth year. - My nan's alive.

But as if you know those things about me.

Peter Hamzi, dairy but you refuse to acknowledge it, 2014.

Look, uh, Carrie, you have no idea what it's like to be me.

I've got nothing.

I'm sorry if I'm not dealing with it with enough grace.

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo!

I don't think you ever wanna get a power. I think you like it.

It gives you an excuse to be a shitty person

because the world is mean to you.

But has the smallest seed of thought ever passed through your brain

that maybe you're not some troubled, tragic martyr?

Maybe you're just a nob.

Fuck off!

Okay.

Kash! The girls are back

and I'm scared your bubbles have, um...

Okay. Here we go. Let's cover up the shame.

Thank you.

There we go. No more penis.

Lovely.

Shall I get the brush?

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