Original subtitles

Thank you.

I can be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

I can be so good for you.

Love you like you want me to.

Sunshine.

Yeah.

Driving lightened?

Yeah.

Come on, son.

Yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on.

There you go.

Careful registration number?

Oh, sorry, mate, it's not my motor.

It's a friend's, so I'm just waiting to drive him home. You can't take his cell

phone?

No, he's very law -abiding.

Never drinks and drives.

Eat drinks? I dried.

Celebration, is it?

Something like that.

Old soldiers reunion.

Go back to sleep, mate.

Good night.

Good morning.

Please,

I promise you, I'll be home by 6. We are singing.

Ready for a big finish, okay?

Melt in your heart of stone.

Itchy goo, itchy goo, itchy goo.

For I don't like to get you.

From that slow boat to China.

All to myself. I really mean it. All to myself.

I don't mean maybe.

To myself!

Allora!

Magic, Yorkie, magic!

Hey, you all right?

A nightcap?

Well, I haven't seen him for donkey's years.

So see him tomorrow?

Nah, his old woman's coming down tomorrow.

Wait, stop the car!

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I think his old machine for Jiminy Arna's about to

make a return visit.

It's full of the social graces, isn't it?

My best mate in the army, Terry.

I would go to hell and back again on my hands and knees for you. You'll get down

on your hands and knees if he honks his aubergine wasp name all over my car seat

floor. Have no fear.

Have no fear.

That is something that a bloke like you don't know nothing about, you see.

What a squaddie will do for his oppo.

Comradeship. I tell you, Terry, blokes like you do not know what you owe to

blokes like Yorkie and to blokes like me.

Yeah, well, tell me tomorrow.

Just get him cleaned up and get him out. I'm knackered. Yeah, we was knackered,

wasn't we? We was knackered, but we stuck it out when you were still in

And I am talking in terms of blood, sweat, tears and human...

You weren't called up till 1949.

Well, I thought we was out there, weren't we? Oh, yeah.

Emergency.

Doing our cobblers for king and country.

Far East land forces.

Jungle Act. Jungle Boots.

Jungle Greens.

Three -0 Lee Enfield.

Rifles. Tommy Bandits. When we was giving it all that.

Sergeant Sedgwick and Corporal Daly. Yeah, that's all very well. But you

fired a shot in anger, did you?

I mean, you told me you thought we spent most of the time propping up the bar in

the Union Jack Club or whooping it up Chinese Ratley. Yeah, but we were there,

weren't we?

Look, I tell you, it is because of blokes like Yogi and blokes like me that

blokes like you are living at this moment in time in a democratically

society.

Civilised? Still feeling manky, Yogi.

I feel like a rabid rat, a problem with digestive tract and diet.

Oh, good, good, good.

Good night, Kip, and a furry brand that you feel on top of the world.

I'll get Terry to run you back to your hotel.

Come on Colonel, back to barrack.

There you go.

How are they, aren't they?

Yeah.

That's all I need, innit?

Here you go. Hey, hang on.

Special delivery.

He's got puke all over him. Don't tell me. I've just driven him all the way

round the South Circular. Try the Salvation Army.

Don't petty me, pal.

He's booked in.

He's a resident. He should be in before this, then.

This isn't Liberty Bloody Hall, you know.

It's a registered hotel.

This can't come and go on you, please.

No -one's booked in. All right, all right, all right.

Shut him in.

Come on.

I'm all right, Juffer.

I'm all right.

And you're a great advert for the British Tourist Board. And he's a great

for the British Tourist.

Hello? Hello?

Gordon Bennett, you're not still in Kip, are you, Terry?

Do you know how long it took me to take Rotherham's Roddy Llewellyn round

London? Do you know what time I got to bed?

Not much later than me, I shouldn't think.

I was up with a lark, bright -eyed and bushy -tailed.

Thank you, dear.

Eh? No, no, not you, Terry. Listen, look, the reason I'm belling you...

I want to ask you a favour.

Show him the site?

Just for half an hour.

Houses of Parliament, Soho sex shops, Buckingham Palace, all that.

Look, take him round the clock on the horse guards.

No, I'll tell you what, Arthur, I've got a better idea.

Why don't we leave him in that grotty doss house you call a hotel and send the

horse guards round the clock in?

No, come on, it's Saturday, it's not on, is it?

Look, Terry, you know me. Now, you know I wouldn't worry you if I wasn't being

grabbed by the Short and Curlies. Look, I stroll round to the office to do half

an hour's slaving on the accounts and what happens.

Five minutes ago, the VAT man walks in.

I'll be with you in a moment, Mr. Samuelson.

I'm just having a word with my second -in -command.

I'm lumbered, aren't I, Terry?

Look, I'll meet you both at the Winchester at one.

It's a favour, Terry.

I mean, Yorkie would do the same for you if you ever fancied a swift weekend in

Rotherham. Swift weekend in Rotherham?

I'll ring his room for you. I don't mind ringing his room. But it's no use

ringing his room, is it, if he's not in it?

And he can't be in it if his key's hanging on the hook, number nine.

And if he hasn't got his key, he can't get in.

Maybe he's somewhere else in the hotel.

Maybe he's in the dining room having breakfast.

Breakfast finishes at 9 .15.

It's half past.

Carlos was on breakfast.

What time did number nine come down for breakfast, Carlos?

The man in number nine didn't come down for breakfast.

Might be in the lounge.

We haven't got a lounge.

Apart from where you're standing.

He might be having a bath. I suppose you have got bathrooms.

They're number nine, not in hotel.

He's probably gone out for a pipe or a wait.

He's been not in the hotel all night.

I don't want to argue with you, pal. I argue with you.

I argue with him.

Yesterday, I argued with this man. At six o 'clock, he wants afternoon tea.

I tell him, it's too late for afternoon tea.

He shout, he swear, like a big gorilla.

Not like man.

Yeah, that sounds like him, yeah. This morning I said, I will not argue with

this man again.

I go up and say, come down now, you big bugger, or you'll be late for breakfast.

I knock on his door, I go in his room, and his bed is not used.

We slept somewhere in the gap last night. I dropped him home at 3 .30 this

morning. No, not here, no, no.

Maybe you drink too much.

Maybe you take him to the wrong hotel.

It was here, sunshine.

I stood on the doorstep for God knows how long being slagged off by your night

porter. No. No.

Yes. No.

Yes. No.

Trev, go on a sec.

Remember him?

Never set eyes on the guy before.

Who is he?

Who's he? You just stood there and told us you were chatting to him last night.

Trev's our night porter.

No, no, no, no. You weren't on last night when I turned up.

Never left the building.

Who was the other geezer, then?

No other geezer here but me last night.

Came on at ten o 'clock. Right, Carol?

Right. Came off at nine o 'clock this morning when Carol came on.

Right again? Right, Trev.

Are you calling me a liar?

No, no.

Yorkie disappears.

Two -night porter. Are you sure it was a different night porter?

I'm not colourblind, am I?

This morning's one was West Indian.

You know, it's got to be a logical explanation.

Look, do you have to sit here noshing that?

I didn't have any dinner, did I?

Oh. And what was all that Sainsbury's you give me about seeing a VAT man?

You were in a kit.

Look, I've got my problems.

You won't solve them by sleeping with a vacuum, will you?

Oh, this appears off of a face video. I mean, it's James Bond time, isn't it?

He could be MI5.

He told me he was a bookie. Only because he told me he was a bookie.

Here, look, do you mind?

Yeah.

Terry?

Mum?

Are they members?

Gaming machines.

Place is going steadily downhill.

Look, what are you...

Look, it is not helping to solve my Otto's problem with you sitting here

stuffing your face.

My God, you don't take no prisoners, do you?

Listen, what about after I dropped him back at the hotel?

He nipped out and ended up with a dodgy bird.

Bross? Why not?

He's an happily married man.

You're an happily married man.

Are you home every night?

Look, it is now 11 .33.

He's got to be on CO's parade at 15 .40 sharp.

Stand at Victoria Coat Station in a soldierly fashion. Chin in, chest out.

Thumbs in line with the seams of his trousers.

Meet his old woman.

You're a fizzy garlic.

You weren't capable, dear.

You barely tried. The flesh was weak and the spirit wasn't very willing.

How'd I get in here?

Not on a Snow White charger, a minicab. I had this arrangement with this friend

of mine, Charles.

Don't you remember Charles?

He's only got one end.

You don't get many taxi fellows and have one end.

I thought his name might ring a bell.

Fire.

Don't worry.

It's all intact.

Apart from what you slip me of your own free will.

Well, friends, you have to watch your step, though, when you wake up with a

proceed. Like, not so much of a prozzie, if you don't mind.

You are a prozzie.

What are you if you're not a prozzie? I'm a part -time model.

What are you modeling? Bloody plasticine.

I'm not a professional one, any roads up.

I'm in it for my plant money.

And I don't bother to do it when Erwin's away.

Erwin? My husband.

Is on container lorries.

Juggernauts. Isn't that Chris Christopherson?

But I don't bother to ask him what he gets up to on a wet weekend in Bruch.

Have you lost something?

Me kicks.

Your what?

Me strides, me bloody pants.

They're where you throw them when you fell in here last night, waving them

around your head, singing.

I'd like to get you on the floor.

Where'd I throw them?

Out the window.

No,

Arthur, I'm not going in there again.

Look, we haven't taken our eyes off that place for the past half hour, right?

Since I last went in. He wasn't there then, he ain't there now.

Well, where is he, then? I don't know, do I? Well, he must be somewhere.

True, Arthur, he must be somewhere.

Probably propping a bar up, pouring endless pints of lager down his throat,

giving someone a right ear -bashing about, ooh, bitter's better up north.

Yeah, hopefully he bought the arse off someone big enough to chin him.

Callous, Terry, you are callous. Nut and bolt we were in the army.

Adjacent bed spaces.

Many's the time he saved my life on active service.

What'd he do?

Stop you knocking yourself sideways on that Chinese ramp, though, eh?

Lent me his best bald boots for guard duty.

Even done jankers for me.

Gee, the comes down to London once, goes absent.

Inch stuck with his missus. It's down to me, Terry.

I have let him down.

Go on, then. What do you want me to do?

Will the real Knight Porter please stand up?

I mean, there's two of them. One's bent, the other's a ringer.

They must... Both know something about him.

Sort one of them out for me.

Well, lean on him. No, no, no, no, no, no heavy stuff. Just him trying yourself

a titch in his direction, you know.

Good boy.

Oh, when it gets sent, I don't care.

He took a leg like an anorexic little bit.

You got any wounds?

No, a woman's coming down.

Oh, big deal. Your missus. Oh, and since there's popping round here at three,

I'm supposed to go and look at some teaching difference with her.

Brenda's broad -minded as the next, but I mean, look at it from her side, hmm? A

fellow sitting here in his red undies with your brother's wife watching racing

on this alley.

I'm telling you, dear, you're on your little bike before she comes.

Like this?

Think of something.

Think of what?

I should have thought of that last night, when you flung him out of the

window.

Did she bring a spare pair down with you?

Of course I did. I've got a lovely Czech sports jacket and a pair of slacks.

But they're hanging up in my hotel wardrobe, aren't they?

All you do is you telephone your hotel, you ask to speak to the manager, and you

tell him to go to your room, and you tell him to put the spare pair in the

Do you know what?

Oh, bloody brainless.

I don't know.

Fellas, where would you be without us ladies?

What's it called?

What letter does it begin with?

Oi, are you deaf as well as dumb?

Your hotel.

What's the name of it?

I don't know.

You what?

I've forgotten.

I don't remember what it's called.

And not one line from me. Only days brought me in.

Bloody hell.

Oi, what's your game in? Oh, hello, chef. Never mind bleeding hello, chef.

Don't you hello, chef, me.

Flannery won't get you anywhere, sonny. Soft soap don't cut no ice with me.

No, don't be like that.

Don't be like that.

I'll give you don't be like that.

I'll be how I like, Boris.

Because that's the way I am with everybody bleeding me.

Come here.

No, hold on. Come here.

What do you call that?

Chef's hat, isn't it? Is it?

Isn't it?

It might be a chef's hat to you, sonny.

But it ain't a chef's hat to me.

This is what I call a chef's hat.

A chef's hat ain't floppy, Horace.

It's a badge of office.

It stands up straight, pissed proud.

It's starched.

Well, yeah, I'll see what you mean. So you can take these back with you, every

one, and the rest of the bleeding stuff you walloped on me last week, and you

can tell your chief.

I won't stand for it. What chief?

Your chief.

The big -headed, four -eyed git in the office.

What office?

Don't flatter around, Doris.

Your office at Sunbeam Laundry.

I'm not from the Sunbeam Laundry.

Not from the laundry?

No.

Well, it's laundry morning.

It's always this time, Saturdays. That may well be, but it's nothing to do with

me. No, I'm, er... I'm mate Trev's.

I won't have that gramophone of his going full blast.

Tell him.

And I won't stand your mate's jungle drums giving me an ear -bashing. Not

morning. Now, tell him.

Yeah, all right, yeah.

I think I forgot. Where's his room again?

Through the door, up the stairs, turn left, past the box.

Ta.

Oh!

You're not wrong, are you?

Wouldn't have a lot of fun on honeymoon with that.

I'm old, I'm old, I'm cold. Blimey, just keep calm, keep calm. I'm not a tea

leaf, I just want to chat, all right? Now keep calm.

All right.

Fresh water fish.

Four letters.

Get in with tea.

Terrible, terrible.

Trout.

T -R -O -O.

Oh, fucker it.

Crompton Hotel.

No. Crown.

No. Cumberford.

No. Cumberton Court Residential Hotel.

No. Just a minute.

I'm trying to get this picture in my mind's eye.

I can see the road.

I can see these steps, windows on either side.

There's this name over the door.

Go on, go on. It's gone.

Tench.

T -E -N -C.

Please don't do that.

We're in stuck.

You haven't drawn a complete blank.

No, not entirely, no.

I have solved the amazing case of the two mysterious night porters. The

a real one, and he plays truant three nights a week to play in a jazz band.

The other one's a moonlighter. Front desk don't know anything about him.

Well, what's he do in real life?

He's a schoolteacher.

Yeah. Balanced and comprehensive.

His parents had a sense of humour.

His name's Ollie Colliver.

Where does he live?

Ah, well, that's where we've drawn a blank. We're in Lumber, there.

The colour guy I don't know. He's just got a phone number. Well, it's all

We'll ring him up.

I've already done that, haven't I? There's no answer. Nobody in.

Hit a brick wall.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Not entirely.

We know he's a schoolteacher. We know which school, you said.

We know his name.

We'll go round there.

No, hold on. It's Saturday, isn't it? Schools are closed Saturday. It's

pointless. We can't see, my son. We can't see.

I brought the colour gauge for a couple of quid.

Not glad you could afford it.

Debenham Court?

No. Debenham Cracked Hotel?

No, I don't think it began with a D, any road. D doesn't ring a bell.

What do you think it began with?

I don't know. I wish I did. I'm down for it, mind.

Well, you can't bloody well have one.

Now, come on. Get your thinking cap on.

Deck of cards, motor in.

Deep Dale.

Delmere Private.

What's that?

Mrs. Barton for me.

Don't wear it.

Only for the missus.

Del Monte dining rooms with limited overnight accommodation?

No. Dorchester?

No.

Chubb.

What is Chubb?

Five across.

Freshwater fish, four letters.

Chubb.

It's a kiddie's crossword.

What was the name of that jazz band again?

The one that Lemonade played in?

The South Ealing Mississippi Stompers.

New Orleans stuff, innit? Oh, don't ask me.

I'm a Francis Albert man myself.

Old blue eyes.

Did I ever tell you how much I bunged over the odds to be a Sinatra senior?

Often, often, yes.

Ah, it's only money.

My way alone was worth every penny.

Do you know, Terry, tears roll down my cheeks every time I play that tape.

It can't be Chubb.

Chubb don't begin with T.

Five across don't begin with T.

You got five down wrong.

Have I?

Yeah. It's not tart, it's cake.

I mean, she didn't say, if they ain't got enough bread, give them tart, did

Who?

He's a brainy bugger, is Arthur.

He's got it all upstairs.

The stunts he used to pull in the army, I'm not kidding.

He's a crafty dog.

Ring him. He booked you in. Has he got a car?

Got a car?

He's Arthur Daly.

Arthur Daly's Jack the Lull. Haven't you ever heard of him?

Never.

How ignorant can you get?

I assure you I've got a can of light ale and a lager. I'm flaming gagging. We've

got more on our plates this morning than topping you up.

I hate this sort of evil, greasy, cheesy eye -time.

Though it's garlic in it, I keep on getting the taste of it.

heard of bloody Arthur Daly.

Arthur bloody Daly. He's only one of the biggest car dealers this side of

Watford. And you call yourself a Londoner? I don't call myself a

come from Westcliff.

You stand me to come from Westcliff on sea, lass, if you've never heard of

Arthur Daly.

Got a car?

He's got more cars than British Leyland.

Get him. So get off his arse and come round here in one of them. He can run

back to your hotel and he can bring you round a pair of trousers.

I don't know where he lives.

Hold on, that's him.

Where?

Referee. The ref, that's him.

I'm going to go and have a word with him. I'm going to go and have a word

him. Sorry, mate.

How long they got?

The second half's just begun.

Oh, that's it. You're knackered for half an hour at least, aren't you?

What's the score?

15 -8 to Barnstead.

We've got to talk to him. He's not going to come off just to have a chat, is he?

Look, Yorkie's over the river bombing down the M1.

Barnstead will win in 15 -8.

Come on you!

Would you mind, sir, not infringing along the touchline and not interfering?

Don't you talk to me like that.

I used to play for the old brand.

Sorry, stop the game.

Leave it out, Arthur.

Look, if I stop the game, will you gee up the ref?

How are you going to stop me? You'll create a diversion.

What sort of diversion?

Watch this.

Oh, look at me suit.

Don't worry about your suit. You can get that dry clean, can't you?

It's not so easy with your face.

Is it bad?

Well, it's not bad, no. I mean, a few stitches here and there, you won't even

see the joint.

Stitches? That's all right, I'm having you on.

Now, stop bleeding, now.

Do you see me go, Terry?

See me catch that ball, tuck it under my arm, head down and run.

Oh, memory lane that was.

Win three -quarter in the army.

Did it show?

Oh, yes. Magic, magic. Gareth Edwards.

Jimmy Edwards.

Don't laugh.

I did my whack out there, don't worry. I was out there where the bullets was

flying. That's a made -a -welcome change.

Yeah, there's a brush in the glove compartment.

Oh, dear.

Still another link in the chain.

Another step nearer.

What did you say they were called?

Who? Minicab firm. Oh.

Uh, Diva Cars.

Yeah, apparently last night, after I dropped the Rover and Rover back at the

hotel, it banged a night porter a few quid over the top for a dozen beers.

He's two down and ten to go, and he's good as new, isn't he?

Ranting and raving about getting back on the town again.

I know you've got no time for Yorkie, Terry, but you must admit, you have to

look up to the bloke.

The night port we got in the minicab just to get shot of him.

There you go, that'll do.

Kids, I could have them, you know, if I was the vengeful type.

Eye for an eye, cheek for a cheek. No, I could have them up the juvenile.

Of course, you know what it is, don't you?

Yeah, it's symptomatic, isn't it?

Yeah. Well, don't stand here rabbiting.

Yorkley Snapdragon's cane in the motorway.

Let's get going.

Even though we know the name of the minicab firm, we've still got to find

actual driver.

How many one -arm minicab drivers are there in Greater London?

You what?

Yeah. This geezer's only got one arm.

Oh, it's true.

How long was that fella looking for a one -armed geezer on the telly?

What fella?

You know, went on for years and years.

What was his name?

Even at the death, he still didn't find him.

What chance have we got?

Rotherham, 91824.

Hello, boss?

Yeah? Reg, have a look on me desk.

Any bits of paper?

Anything scribbled on me memo pad? Yes, boss, yes. I'll have a look for you,

boss. Hey, guess who I've got on the blower, Darren?

Droopy Draws. And guess what he wants to know? What?

Well, he's in London, isn't he, and we're up here.

He's only ringing us to find out where he is. The silly, stupid bugger. Are you

going to tell him the bad news now, or save it for later on?

It's a dead duck, this, before we even run it up the ruddy flagpole.

Hello, what red?

Look, never heed why I'm asking, just do it.

I've a good scout round on me desk in the top drawer, just in case I jotted it

down.

I am hanging on.

Don't go away, he says.

The Hamlet am I going to go to.

I didn't shut it down. I'm wasting my time asking.

Reg.

Reg, why are you faffing about? How did the first results go for us at all three

meetings?

He had what?

Listen, Reg, you know as well as I do it should have been laid off when he got

the second one in. Darren, Darren.

I've told him. What did he say?

What was all that about?

There was a one o 'clock at Kempton Park. There was a one o 'clock at Aedop.

There was a 1 .15 at Newcastle. One second fave and two outsiders.

There's a punch on it, a five -pound treble up first three results and I'm

quid down. That's funny.

It's not my day.

It wasn't my night either.

God only knows wherever.

Open their front door and let Charles help you in.

That's him?

Charles? He must know where he picked me up. Ring him.

If I knew his number, I'd have phoned him ages ago.

Not at his home. The name of the firm he grabs for, ring them. He'll have a

radio card that can radio him.

I don't know the firm he works for. I met him in a pub.

Would you be sitting there now like a limp plant if I did?

I was only limp last night.

Watch it.

Not so much of the old.

I've got a result.

James is cursed, not in ill. I've got the direction.

Arthur, Terry, do I look old?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Truthfully.

Look, the wedding kicks off at quarter to three.

Then he's driving the happy couple straight down to Gatwick.

Come on.

Get in.

It won't be easy being a one -armed minicab driver, can it?

Probably got an automatic.

Which hand do you get for tipping?

Would you mind quieting your radio?

I say, would you mind quieting your radio?

No, you'd all have to come to the right. Just one step to the right, please.

That's right. A little bit more on the left. Just a little bit more in. That's

right.

Nice day for a wedding.

I

said

we'd be too late.

Who said we're too late?

Hold on, hold on.

What are you doing?

Slow me!

Slow me, Arthur.

Not bad, eh? Go on, chat him up.

Eh?

Minicab geezer, chat him up. Find out what he's done with Yorkie.

Now, listen, you were the one who nearly changed the wedding into a funeral. I'm

not going to cop all the aggro. Look, I'm driving the stagecoach, Terry.

riding shotgun.

You shoot the Indians if you want your pay dirt.

Poor soul.

What the hell's your game? I'm sorry about that, mate.

We're in the middle of a wedding here.

You're head case, you are.

You're looking for trouble, son.

You nearly killed my missus back there. Get those glasses off.

Go on, Ricky, drop him. What?

People like you should be off the road. Oh, yeah. Hold that. I does karate, you

know. All I does king fool. Hold on, hold on. What's the carry?

Oh,

stand back, Tarzan.

Listen, is it all right if he apologises? If he apologises? You

What good's apologising going to do?

Damage has been done now. It's our wedding day. On your wedding day and all

that, he's a nutter. Honestly, when his bottle goes, anything could happen. I

mean, if I drove the motor, right?

Now, just screw the nut. I'll try and calm him down, OK?

All right, well, look, if he apologises, then. That's right.

Apologise? I'm not apologising. I'll kick him in the nut, John Markle. You're

going to spend the rest of your life backing away?

Yeah. No, that's not the point. Just put this on, will you?

Got a lot of bleeding spur supporter in those braces. Don't you start. Get in

the motor.

Is everything all right? Has anyone heard?

No, no, has anyone heard?

You think Trina's?

Irwin's cousin Gavin's Trina?

No. You should.

She's gone American colonial.

Oh. Hmm.

American colonial right through.

All her kitchen fitments.

You know what he'd like.

She was all stripped pine and horse brasses one time.

And she's gone aga. Hmm.

She was wondering what you were doing with yourself, what with Irwin on the

container lorries, and now that your Sarah Jane's spread her wings.

It's a phase they go through, isn't it, living with Nigerians?

I said to Clive she won't marry him.

Still, the thing was wondering what you were getting up to.

Wait for us to know if you can.

You're Gavin's twin.

Oh, excuse me, Brenda.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, Mr Daly, what a relief.

Yes, yes, I do know who you are.

They seek him here, they seek him there.

We found the bugger.

Tell you what, bring a lead deer.

Here, be a doddle.

Whip through here, pick him up, then go and meet his missus. Yeah, but we're

never going to do it in 15 minutes, are we? No. Saturday afternoon, traffic's

light, the lights are witness.

Yeah. There is just one little snag.

What?

He's got no trousers.

Yeah, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. No trousers.

Her sister -in -law came round. She had to hide him, didn't she?

She would, wouldn't she?

In the garden.

Without his trousers?

Yeah.

What are you looking at?

Nothing, nothing.

What is it?

Well, it ain't Peter Bleeding Pan, is it?

Here, stick that on.

He's your upmost, so give him your trousers.

How can I? I am driving.

Well, I'll drive.

Pull over.

You're a good lad, our kid. You're a bobby dazzler.

Oppos. Yeah, oppos is one thing.

Trousers is something bloody else.

Here you are.

You can use this to cover yourself up with.

Touch that mirror my way, chuffer.

There, there you go. Good lad.

Right. It's for the missy.

Oh.

Get out and say welcome to London, then.

Hello, lovely. How goes it, eh? Good trip down?

Do yourself up. Do what, see?

Your trousers, you dozy lummoch. You're showing everything you've got. Yes,

you're right. No, but you're in the stable door when the horse is bolted.

they're not mine. I can see they're not yours.

I should have to think where you got them from.

And where have you been until this time?

What have you been doing all the time, eh?

I've got no sticky.

I won't deign to ask what you got up to last night.

Not a lot quiet night.

A bite to eat with Arthur Loppy.

High -tie nosh and a glass of table wine. It was very nice.

Well, it won't be high -tie nosh and table wine tonight.

What have you got in mind?

Nothing spectacular.

I was hoping Arthur might come up with something.

Hello, my son.

She's worse than he is.

Where is he?

Pointing close.

Hey,

Terry, do us a favour. G him up a bit, will you?

You don't think I'm staying here, do you?

What's your bonus?

Well, I haven't got the motor, have I?

You might have to run us back.

Leave it out.

It's Saturday night. I'm on a promise.

Even I'm entitled to some pleasure.

It's work.

I'm knocking out the vintage Bentley, the Yorkie.

You'll never.

Yeah. Surprise present for his missus.

Wedding anniversary.

Half an hour in that old banger, she'll have him in a divorce court.

I thought he was your best mate, your oppo.

You let him in your trousers.

Oh, trousers is one thing, Terry.

Business is something else.

You're gay.

You're gay.

You're gay.

You get him in, Terry. Go on. Aye? Yeah, go on. Go on.

Fonker slimline, gin and orange for the Duchess, and fine and the best for his

lips. Go on, go on.

Our kid, make mine a big, Scott. It's piss poor down here.

Hey, get on in for yourself.

Hey, Terry, stay on arms, eh?

Don't want any breathalysers.

Pass me your seatbelt, kiddo. We're in for a bumpy ride.

She's all right, the missus, isn't she?

Magic, Yorkie, magic.

When you got a minute?

Jim and Orange.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.

I'm going to help you. Love you like you want me to.