Original subtitles

Success is never going to spoil Simon and Simon.

Hold on till you have five.

Tonight on Simon and Simon.

You tell us your life, we dress it up. The public wants a hero.

Hello Jack, how was Bermuda? Rick and I have decided that what each of us needs

is no longer what both of us need.

We've got two problems, Rick and A .J. Simon.

I want to know what you feel when you're forced to pull the trigger.

Well, I guess we better get this story on tape.

The president is at his ranch for the weekend.

Am I up there in the pool?

No, I'm trying to cope a weekend feature on 20 Romanian gypsies.

We'll do about three minutes.

Start wide.

They're getting too close.

They've got to be looking for it. You want to go back on board?

Just in case.

Come on, hurry it up.

Don't worry about it. It's not supposed to shove off for another hour.

Never trust a shipping schedule printed behind the iron curtain.

Got it.

Good.

Absolutely. We're going right down. We just got to check one more thing. We'll

be right down. You got it. Oh, yeah.

Hurry. This is Sally Edwards' Doc's Folklorica Ballet, which is just

its first American tour.

Mr. Squidloo, how about some impressions of your tour?

We live to dance, and we dance to live.

like spies, do they?

Is that something that belongs to us?

Yeah, just hand it over.

Well, if it's theirs, I guess we really probably ought to give it to them.

We don't know yet who these gunmen are or why they did it.

It's a life and death struggle.

We were working undercover for the Port Authority, and it was sort of a

pilfering case. Someone had been sealing crates of microwave popcorn for weeks.

But when you realized that you had suddenly become, in a very real sense,

soldiers in the Cold War, you didn't hesitate to ask.

Can you believe this?

Talk about dumb luck.

Everybody would have badgered an airfoilman tracking his gang for a year.

Coast Guard, its crew and passengers detained.

Thanks to these brave men, the free world will sleep a little safer tonight.

Well, actually, really, we were just trying to find the popcorn. And the

microwaves and TVs. I talked with the president's press secretary just moments

ago at the Western White House, and although he had no comment, his voice

choked with emotion.

As this story develops, one thing is already clear.

Yes, thank you very much. I appreciate it, but I really think it's been blown

out of all proportion here.

These are two men to keep your eye on.

Look, I'll tell you what. If my income goes up between now and tomorrow, I'll

give you a call, all right? Bye -bye.

I propose a toast.

We did it.

We certainly did.

What did we do?

Well, according to channels 3, 6, and 41, we have just solved the crime of the

century.

I'll give you a week.

What do you mean?

In a week, you're gonna wish this whole thing never happened. What are you

talking about?

Well, uh, Fame's a funny animal.

When you first get her, she's a real cute little puppy.

But once you start feeding her, watch out.

You might find a rabbit piece will turn on you.

Give me a break, town.

Hey, come on. Success is never going to spoil Simon and Simon.

I hope not.

But remember, once you've been alive at five... Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me, Mr. Glass.

Morty, would I know any of your credits?

Well, of course.

Maybe you saw Hitler's sheep.

Hitler's sheep?

No, I'm sorry. I missed that. How about Spiders from Mars? Spiders from Mars?

We... Ah, yeah, we caught that recently on cable.

Morty, can I get back to you a little later?

Yeah. Thank you.

I love you too. Bye.

You actually saw something entitled Spiders from Mars? Oh, yeah, it was

See, these little dwarf spiders get inside Rita Talmadge's brain, and at the

of the movie, she explodes.

I still can't figure out how the hell they did that.

It's a great effect.

Showed it to you twice.

See if we can stay on Mr. Ferguson's tail during his lunch break.

Come on, Rick, forget that stuff.

Most of it's...

stock portfolios and investment plans. Anyway, the rest of it's written in

crayon. Some of it's not junk, though. There's one here.

Expensive paper engraved from the Robert Talbot Agency, Beverly Hills.

They're just gonna try and sell you insurance.

Nah, not these guys.

The Robert Talbot Talent Agency.

These are the people who sold Kissinger's memoirs.

They got nine out of ten on the Times bestseller list.

These were the people who first said, Ron, you got no future in the movies.

better get into another line of work.

I wonder what the hell they want with me.

Rick. Hey, come on, work.

Yeah.

Rick, AJ.

Is it true the president called to express his gratitude to you guys?

Ah, yes. The president called this morning. The president of the Point

Lions Club.

President's president.

What was your mother's reaction to the new thing? You got a bullet hole in one.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have to go to work. Mr. Simon, is there any truth to

the rumor that your agency is leaving San Diego for a bigger city?

Look, hey, let me make something clear here.

My brother and I have our feet firmly planted on the ground. We intend to keep

it that way.

Do you agree with that, Rick?

Sure, why not?

Hang an eye on his car.

Turn right.

Trying to keep up with the box scores here. Oh, sure.

When Tom was right. About what?

I think your puppy is cutting teeth.

Yeah, well, yours fed pretty well yesterday here with the bugle.

The handsome, nonchalant Andrew Simon attributes his

agency's success to the many years of studying and apprenticing he did

with the major detective agencies.

On both coasts.

The well -tailored, smooth... The increased inventory in my little

oh.

Half the women in San Diego are calling me. Is that my fault? The other half

calling you, you know. All right, okay.

Keep our heads in the game, all right?

Where'd he go?

It's Kate.

Toad's not going to go anywhere. He'll be out there hopping the lily pads again

tomorrow. Mrs. We were not both driving the car.

Just because you lost a guy, don't yell at me about it. It wasn't just me who

lost him. You're sitting here in the car too.

And Mr.

Williams, thank you for retaining me.

Don't thank us.

Get us out.

All that's been done.

You can leave with me.

Once we've discussed our relationship.

Now, here's the way I see it.

We've only got two problems.

Rick and A .J. Simon.

And I've always believed that the only good problem... After

the day you've had, I bet you deserve that.

Fella, whatever it is you're telling, just put it in a nice long letter and

it to me, okay?

Larry Trowbridge, American General Investigations.

The home office.

Just flew in.

All right.

I'll just skip to the bottom line.

We're the largest private investigation service in the world. We want you to

head our San Diego office.

50 highly trained pros report to you.

Ten million dollars in contracts flow through that office every year.

Your starting salary will be one percent of that.

One hundred thousand dollars.

Okay, make it a hundred and a quarter.

We want you.

I'm honored that you think that highly of me. You're executive timber.

We want you growing in our forest.

I'll return your call at any hour, even if you just want to talk.

I'll keep it in mind.

You didn't just buy insurance from that walking cuff link, did you?

No. No. What was he selling?

We are going to tie the ribbon on old man Ferguson tonight. All we need is

candid shots of him and the mistress at the cinema spa motel, and we will

never... Have to look another divorce case in the face again.

Yeah, well, I'm only going to be about half an hour late. I'll be there before

they can get in the tub and start the bubbler. Why?

Well, actually, it's just Robert Talbot, you know, the guy who wrote us that

letter. I promised I'd see him for about ten minutes. Why don't you just come

along?

Rick.

Mrs. Ferguson has four children and no income.

She's losing the house. She's already lost the car. Now, what's important

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

40 minutes, Tops.

After the novel, maybe a TV series.

But that's down the road a bit.

Can we just go back down the road a little while here? See, I'm not a

My brother's a lot better than that.

Why me?

Why you?

Why me?

Because you pop off the screen. That's why you. I knew it the moment I saw that

network piece on you.

Rick, we know you're not a writer. We're bringing a ghost.

A ghost?

You tell us your life, we dress it up.

Well, the deal is, I don't do anything without my brother.

I mean, as far as business is concerned, we're partners. That's it.

The book buying... We have a very long shelf life.

If we want to score with this, we've got to get you out there.

Okay?

Personally, I think you have a much better story than that guy who was

in a salt mine, but it's either him or you.

Okay, Pinky?

You decide.

Look,

Rick, I can't tell you what to do, but...

Robert has incredible instincts.

Now, I have seen him make international phenomenons out of truck drivers,

bad boys, people with a lot less going for them than you.

Well, what do we do first? When do we start?

Right now.

I'm yours for the whole night.

I've got a tape recorder.

We can go to... Well, how about your play?

And start getting down to the real Rick Thurman.

Okay.

Look,

do you mind if we make a stop first at Cinema Spa Motel?

Whatever you like.

Who is it?

Night manager.

Yeah, what is it? Hi, how you doing?

I'm Andy Crystal. I'm the night manager.

I understand you're having a problem with the color on Channel 7, the adult

channel. Forget the TV.

Are you sure you want to do that?

I mean...

We've got a big feature coming on at 9 o 'clock in 3D. In fact, I'll be dropping

the glasses off for you and the little lady, Mr.

Eisenhower.

This is what it's all about.

This boy nailed that guy. He was boosting all the dog food out of the

tonight's store.

Range, 400 yards.

The signal -to -noise ratio is minus 63 dB at least.

The arc sensitivity is about 3 degrees. Now, to stand here, I made this myself.

It's useful for me. Uh -huh. Can we get back to the time the five guys with the

shotguns had you backed up against that cliff?

Oh, that. That was nothing.

But it reminds me, we used voice stress analyzer and that. The Giraldi 450 at

what?

Sit down.

I'm a reader.

I don't care about gadgets.

I care about what people feel.

I want to know what you feel when you're forced to

pull the trigger.

That's kind of a tough question.

That's why people want to read your answer.

Do you feel it in the gut?

In your heart?

Do you feel it in the tip of your finger?

Where do you feel it?

AJ, this is Stephanie.

Uh, she's with the Talbot Agency. She's my brother, A .J. Nice to meet you. Uh,

look, Rick, I've got to get... You've got a hell of a story.

Rick did that? He's a lousy stockbroker. What happened?

What happened is you never showed up.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, but a lot's been going on. I've got some tough

decisions to make.

So do I.

You gonna take Trowbridge's offer?

You know about that?

Well, he called here about five times. I got a little curious. It's because it's

none of your damn business. It is business. Now, if the guy's made us some

of an offer, I think you should have said something.

He made an offer. It wasn't to us.

Fine. I got one of those myself tonight.

Yeah, I know about that.

I stopped off at Ollie's to find you, and I was told that you'd gone off to

sell... In a heroic contest.

All right, that's just some bull I picked up tonight.

I'll tell you what's really going on here. I'm nearly 40 years old.

Well, there's got to be something between here and Social Security, and I

peek at it tonight. All I want is my shot.

Rick, every morning you take a shot at something.

You get up, you take a flying leap at some stupid thing.

A .J., just because the book tells us, be thy brother's keeper, it doesn't mean

keep your brother down.

You've always got an answer for everything, don't you?

All right, well, you answer me this one. How come you never managed to get your

boat off of my yard?

Huh? How come you never managed to find your own place to live? Answer me that.

Why don't you answer some of your own questions?

Why don't you just make up your mind and marry Liz? Why do you sleep in a

necktie? What has Liz got to do with this? Why are you always on my case?

All right.

I think we're both saying the same thing here.

We're both off each other's case.

Mr. Trowbridge.

A .J. Simon.

I've decided to accept your offer.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I have those?

Just for sentimental reasons.

Sure. Thank you.

Oh.

I'm sure you'll get more use out of that than I will.

You're positive?

Positive.

Well, there is a spot in my new place that I'll be just moving on to a new one

pretty soon anyway.

Well, I guess this is it.

Just about.

No hard feelings?

No. No.

You? I can't think of a one.

I can think of several.

Hi, Mom.

Mom, we would have preferred it if you hadn't come here today.

I know. You kids never liked me stepping into your fights.

We're not fighting.

We're not kids anymore. Nick and I have decided that...

What each of us needs is no longer what both of us need.

Well, then there's nothing more I can say.

Sure there is. How about good luck?

I hope you both know what you're doing. We do.

What are you going

to do?

I'm going to go down to Mazatlan, work on the book and my tan.

Bob says there might be a network series somewhere down the road.

I'll be watching.

When do you move into that big office?

I already have.

I'll come and see it. It's very big.

I'd like to.

Excuse me.

Simon, hello?

Hi, Mrs. Ferguson.

I have some very good news for you.

I have just become the head of the San Diego branch of American General.

That's right, the one with all the TV commercials.

Anyway, I'm going to be taking your case with me.

Yes. Look, could I call you back?

Okay.

Bye -bye.

That was Mrs. Ferguson for me. Yeah.

Figured.

Oh. Uh... There's a redhead out there in a limousine

that could comfortably sleep 12.

Yeah, that's, uh... That's for me.

I figured.

Yeah.

Listen, uh... I'll come back in about a little while.

Pick all this junk up. You know, whatever, when, you know, it doesn't

Yeah, well, keep in touch. Hey.

Yeah.

Rick? Yeah.

Come in, come in.

It's good to see you.

Yeah. You're fine, we're fine, the weather's fine, the families are fine.

much for the small talk.

What did you hear?

Good news, I think.

He thinks.

I can think.

For the money we're paying you, you'd better know.

Oh, I do know.

That's how I've managed to acquire three floors of this building.

And more than a hundred eager junior partners.

I do know.

Now... I have a solution.

I've come up with a better way to discredit Rick and A .J. Simon's

You'd better hurry.

They're due to appear next week.

With what I'm working on, they won't be appearing at all.

Thank you. I hope you enjoy the book.

Yes. Your name?

Oh, this is for you. An attendant in Bakersfield.

We brought in a couple of pop psychologists. They dreamt up some

eating avocados and avoiding depressing people.

Now he's got the season's hottest self -help book.

That's a pretty big crowd. Must be a good book.

He's good.

Knows how to work the room.

Just like you're going to do.

Please, please.

I got a feeling about you.

Stephanie,

what about you, speaking as a woman?

Oh, as a woman, I definitely have a feeling.

Hey. You know, I might surprise you, Robert. I mean, we may not even need

ghostwriters. I've been doing a little writing on my own just to kind of limber

up, get ready for the sample chapter. Yeah, good for you. Good for you. I

we'd better work on the cover art.

I've got a packaging concept.

Oh. Uh -huh.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay.

Huh? What do you think?

Absolutely.

I need bucks.

Absolutely. Oh.

I like it.

Hello? Hello?

I'm sorry to disturb you, Mr. Simon, but there's a Mrs. Ferguson out here.

Shall I tell her you're in conference?

No, send her in, please.

Mr.

Simon, I can come back if you're busy. I mean, I know how it must be. No, no.

Please, sit down.

Here. One of the reasons I'm busy is because of you.

Three full -time operatives on your case.

Well, they're the very best. I handpicked them myself.

I'm grateful for that. And please, don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say,

but... Well, uh... Some of the questions they're asking me are...

irrelevant.

I mean, you and your brother kept it simple and straightforward.

What I'm trying to say is I don't feel real comfortable with them.

I'm sure they're simply trying to be thorough, Mrs. Ferguson.

What kind of questions exactly are they asking?

Well, one of them keeps asking me about our...

Excuse me.

Hello? Mr. Simon, corporate headquarters in New York on line four.

Oh. Look, look, I'm probably just being silly.

Thanks for your time.

That'll be fine. Thank you.

Well, I'll call you this afternoon.

Goodbye.

I'll call.

Hello, Jack. How was Bermuda?

As I held his ugly stare, I knew the little weasel was lying.

It was the same beady -eyed stare I'd seen in a hundred sleazy alleys.

From a hundred sleazy guys.

Sleazy has only one Z. Oh, hey, town, I really appreciate you letting me use

your office like this. I'm going to put a big thank you in the acknowledgments.

Well, I mean, if the Medici's can give Michelangelo a few buckets of paint,

that'll be the least I can do.

Besides, we might be talking Pulitzer here.

A little rough.

Yeah, I can imagine that you're a little rusty.

After all, didn't you tell me the last thing you wrote was how I spent my

vacation? All right, go ahead. They laughed at Sidney Sheldon, too.

Rick, nobody laughed at Sidney Sheldon.

Hey, I'm not on your case.

As a matter of fact, I'm in your corner.

If you need an objective eye, I'm here any time.

Thanks.

I don't know what the hell I might as well tell you. There's a character in

book.

A crusty but benign black police lieutenant.

Plays tennis.

Yeah? Yeah.

What's he do?

Well, he gets shot in the first chapter, but they're gonna talk about him a lot

through the rest of the book.

Good.

Listen, you need anything to tide yourself over?

What makes you think that?

Oh, nothing, except that last night one of the patrol cars reported seeing some

guy sleep in a power wagon at the ShopRite parking lot.

Oh, yeah. Well, uh, Carlos and I had just gone out with Bo a few frames and

stopped off, you know, had a couple. I just, I didn't think it'd be a good idea

to drive, so I went to sleep.

Sure.

Look, uh, AJ and I are gonna grab a bite after work tonight.

Why don't you join us?

Ah, gee, Tom, I'd love to, but, you know, I'm booked on one of those radio

shows. I gotta start plugging the book.

Before it's written?

Call packaging.

That's not a real catchy title. That's not the name of the book.

You ready for the name of the book?

Danger Man.

The Life and Adventures of Rick Simon, Private Eye.

I didn't pick it.

Good.

Gentlemen. Friend.

It's his memory.

I suppose we could all remember that without writing it down.

Okay. We're going to start doing things a little differently around here from

now on.

Let me tell you a little story illustrating why memory is so important.

How something that you never thought you'd need to remember might be the only

thing that's standing between you and being killed.

I was working on what, in the face of it, appeared to be a perfectly routine

missing persons case.

But then one man's meat is another's poison, and I suddenly realized as I

his ugly stare the walking barbell was lying.

It was that same wild kingdom look I'd seen before in a thousand stinking gin

mills from a thousand putrid guys.

Rick, this is trash.

Well, I know it's not the kind of thing you'd like to curl up with, Mom, but

there's a place in the market for it. Mm -hmm, and the trash bin behind the

market.

I won't be able to go through a checkout lane if this thing is sitting in the

stands. I'll have to have my food delivered.

That's Mickey Spillane's, Mom.

Proud to go to the neighborhood supermarket.

Oh, honey.

I'm sorry. I just have to get used to the idea.

Well, I did like the part where the detective got even with a fellow who

all the strippers.

That was good.

You coming? No, that won't be necessary. This phase is yours.

Mine is in court.

In any case, your partner's anxious to get it over with.

It's the essence of a stakeout.

That and waiting.

Tell you what, here's a little trick to help keep you awake.

Never listen to anything that you like on the radio.

You always want to listen to something really obnoxious, otherwise it'll take

your mind off.

If you get something really obnoxious, you need to get in my space.

We call them as we see them. You call us like you see them.

Tonight, our topic is adventure.

No, we don't have that.

Morning lady from the zoo with her damn marsupials. I hate this guy.

We've got a real treat tonight.

Sitting with me is a man who many times has come face to face with a grim reaper

and made him give change.

Let's have a warm, on -the -box welcome to Danger Man, Mr. Rick Simon, private

eye. Good evening, Rick.

Well, I just want to tell you I've been on the other side of this box on many a

lonely evening stakeout, so it's a real pleasure to be here on the box in the

flesh. We'll get things going now with our first call. Hello, citizen.

You're on the box.

Well, I'm darling for two of this stuff. Uh, Mr. Simon, we'd better get our

lunch ready. There it comes.

And I just wanted to... Been following the story, huh?

It's been all over TV, too.

I watch all that.

Get to it, darling, get to it.

Everyone's talking about you and your brother. You know, the six -month -old.

Yeah, face to face. Okay, darling, let's have your question. They're getting in

the car now. Yeah, would you be quiet?

You're straying a little bit from the point. What's the question?

Um, I would like to know what A .J. Simon is doing these days.

That's a tough one since I'm not my brother's keeper. Although I can

use one.

Yeah, that's trash.

It's worse than that. It's incoherent trash.

Hey, Rick, whatever it is, it'll be okay in the morning.

Morning?

That's when I gotta face the music, old pal.

I gotta turn the damn thing in in the morning.

What'd you do?

You rent a car and then it up?

Yeah.

I did something up, all right.

Something real good.

Something to be proud of.

Something to love.

Go home, Rick.

Home.

That's real good.

What are you doing here?

This is my neighborhood, remember?

Your old neighborhood?

Stop and buy from that cat?

You working late?

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

It's my bar, remember?

I'll buy you a drink.

Thank you very much. I can afford to buy Mom a drink.

I can even afford to buy you a drink.

You're an idiot. I'm on an expense account. Nor am I.

Yeah, he's been running a tad here and on it. Who asked you, civilian?

Buy me baby brother a drink.

Excuse me.

You moved.

That makes you the guest here.

I'd like to buy him a drink, please. I'm gonna buy you a drink. I am buying you

a drink. I'm gonna buy you a drink.

I don't care if it'll get you two out of here any quicker. They're on the house.

In that case, make it a double.

Make it a double -double.

Always works.

Nice suit.

Thank you.

So... This is how you did it, huh?

Yeah. I always wondered how you found your way home like this. How you found

your way in the dark like this.

Yep.

Never getting lost.

What do you see?

A wet drunk.

You see the way man

The capital M.

First climbed out of the primordial ooze and

took his first halting steps

onto the beach of life.

There you are.

And do you know what sound first came out of that...

Watching his favorite albums be shrink -wrapped.

Forced to play the national pastime with an aluminum bat.

You know what man cried out to the heavens in pain

and in fear and in need?

That's the most beautiful thing you've ever said.

Thank you.

And I happen to remember...