Original subtitles

Family law, scene eight, take one.

Action! So tell me, Miss Prescott, how did you meet your late husband?

I was his practical nurse.

Interesting. Did you go to nursing school?

In a way.

What way?

I bought the shoes.

And how did you convince your husband to cut my clients out of his will? It

wasn't easy.

I mean, why did he have to die?

Why? Maybe because he was 93 years old and you ran him over with your Volvo.

It was an accident.

And a Pontiac Aztec.

Hold it, hold it. That's not in the script.

All right.

Well, I thought I should have a joke here.

This isn't very funny.

It's a drama.

Oh, what a relief. I thought it was just bad.

Could we take five?

How am I doing?

Well, I...

I believe you'd run over an old guy with your car.

Thank you. Hey, Tony.

Hi, Steve. How you doing? Oh, my God. Who's that?

Somebody hit him with a handsome stick. That's Steve, our stunt coordinator.

Why do you need a stunt coordinator on a lawyer show?

Didn't you read the script?

I read my parts.

Well, at the end of the episode, I'm attacked by a pit bull outside a clinic.

Huh. That's very dramatic.

Say, is Steve married?

I don't know. I don't know. Would you like to rehearse the next scene? No, no,

no, no, no. Let's just keep it fresh.

Connie! Oh, Connie!

I got those contracts in the air the other day and I went with... Bachelor at

o 'clock.

You little stuntman.

What do they need a stuntman on a lawyer show? I don't know. Something about a

bull at a clam bank. I wasn't really listening.

Anyway, what do you think?

Oh, come on. I'll introduce you. Come on. Show some cleavage. Oh.

I can't. It's a sports bra.

It's windy.

Steve? Steve, hi.

Hi, I want you to meet my partner, my best friend, Connie Rangel. Hi.

Hello. So, you're a stuntman, huh?

I bet that's given your wife a few gray hairs.

I'm not married.

Really? Well, speaking of unmarried stunts, Connie here once fell down the

escalator at Bloomingdale's. Oh, now I just want to hear about that.

Sure I do.

Dad, we're ready for you.

Okay.

I'm just going to go and emote, and I'll expect the two of you at my house for

cocktails at 7 o 'clock.

Hey, so you fell down an escalator, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cracked my head open

and everything.

So you ready to go? Oh, yeah. I like this show. Do you think my character

come back as a love interest or something?

Oh, I don't think so.

Why not? Because I shoot you after you attack me with a chainsaw.

No kidding.

Gee, this character's a real firecracker. I had no idea.

Somebody get her a script.

And a Danish.

Even though I'm crazy and nothing that I say is true.

Who won my heart and soul forever? It's nobody else but nobody else

but. Each time I feel I'm all too plastered. Who always makes me feel

brand new?

I'm pledging my allegiance, baby.

As enjoyable as that sounds, we gotta go.

Oh, oh, is it that time already?

Way past.

Where are you going?

Uh, Salt Lake City.

For what?

I'm doing a special. With the Altmans.

In Salt Lake City. Which is the capital of Utah.

Well, it's been fun.

Wait, uh, I didn't get your number. I'll call you with it.

You don't have my number.

Leave it on my machine.

we got to go.

down a flight of stairs.

The one time he didn't get right up? I was so hopeful.

Gosh, honey, I'm sorry. Oh, it's okay. I wasn't expecting anything.

Well, obviously he was.

Two condoms fell out of his pocket and rolled down the stairs.

Two.

So,

you want to do something?

No, I'm going to call it a night.

Why? Why? What are you going to do? Well, pick up something to eat, maybe

Tina Sinatra's book. Oh, how is that?

Don't know. I'm still in Hoboken.

Okay, everybody.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Hey, wait.

Wait just a dang second.

What? Well, we should go out.

Where? Wherever.

Roy's working late. We're all dolled up.

Honey, really, I'm fine. I know you are, but why waste all this beauty?

You have a point. I certainly do.

We look good.

We do, don't we? Darn, too.

Come on, we'll go dancing or something. With each other? No, no, with us. We'll

switch off.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

Yes, a carnival, but, you know... But why?

Well, somebody's got to stay here and look after Rose. Oh, I can go to Jenna.

don't like that Jenna. You don't even know her. Then I certainly can't

can I?

All right, fine, I get the message. You're just going to cramp our style

Okay, don't stay up too late. I won't. All right, have fun then. We will, and

you know why?

They're what new, then?

Well, Shannon's not talking to Mallory because Mallory likes Shane, but then

Shane told JP that he's totally hot for Cecily. But his second choice is

Cheyenne, and that's why Amber totally freaked on me at soccer practice.

There's a whole Dickensian little world going on in there.

Okay, here we go. The night is young in the town.

Want to go to a movie or something? No, we always go to a movie. Besides, if

it's bad, we'll fall asleep.

If it's good, you'll keep asking me why you're not in it.

I still say I could have been Miss Daisy.

Let it go.

You know where we ought to go? Where?

Benny's Boom Boom Room. God, is that still there? I'm sure it is. Oh, I loved

Benny's. It was always packed with the cutest guys.

Please, you'd have to put in your diaphragm just to make your way to the

jukebox.

Just promise me you're not going to try to fix me up. Well, what's so wrong with

that? You've got to admit, it has been a spell since you had a date. Yeah, well,

after the last guy you fixed me up with.

Please, he was very rich and very sophisticated.

He was Klaus von Bulow.

I didn't hear any complaining when he flew you to Bermuda.

I'd never been.

Okay, let's just go to Benny's for old time's sake.

Wow, Benny's Boom Boom Room.

God, we used to rule that place. Yeah, with an iron fist and velvet glove.

That was another crisis.

So, what's new with you?

Well, um... Oh, you know that, um... You know that

neighbour that I'm always telling you about?

No. You know, the man who lives upstairs from me?

No. Yes, you know, the one who's always cooking cabbage.

Well, he's quite a character.

get a whole lot younger. Oh, don't be silly. We're not that much older than

crowd.

If you ladies are looking for the medical supply store, it's across the

Hey, aren't you... Yes, I am. Would you like an autograph?

No, just a good tip. Oh, well, you might want to take that autograph.

See? Just like I promised you.

Walls are wall -hiding. Yeah, well, we better make our selection quick before

their parents come to pick them up.

This is from those two gentlemen.

Wow, look who just got the first drink spot. I told you we still had it.

And here come our generous benefactors now.

How you doing?

Hello. Hi.

I'm Jed. He's Zeke.

Cool. Cool.

Cool. Got lipstick on your teeth.

Cool.

So, uh, what do you gents do?

Well, I'm a greeter at the Gap.

What about you?

I'm an assistant manager at the Sunglass Hut. Oh, really? Yeah, I can take out

any pair I want tonight.

What about you, ladies?

Well, kind of here at work that Wetzel's pretzels.

And I'm a physicist.

We love those pretzels.

Thank you. Yes, we're very proud of them.

So, let me ask you a question.

Are those space pants?

Because your ass is out of this world.

Okay. All righty. All right there.

Yes, well, as charming and slightly creepy as this is, I just have to be

with you, we are old enough to be your mothers.

No, no, no, no. She's old enough to be your mother.

I'm old enough to be a sister from your father's first marriage.

It's just Body Shop Friday.

What's that?

Well, you just lick the salt and take the shot.

Who's first?

Well, I'm driving, and her doctor has her on a low -sodium diet.

Come on, ladies. I thought you were out here to have a little fun.

I thought you didn't like lime. Yeah, well, off a 23 -year -old stomach, it's

not so bad.

What is?

How about we find someplace that caters to adults?

Why don't we just rent a movie and go home?

I don't want to rent a movie and go home. How about one of your movies?

No.

This mission is far from over. Oh, God.

Oh, you're making me a mission again? I'm simply saying that you'll never meet

the perfect man sitting home with me and watching a video. Honey, I have dated

plenty of perfect men.

Hell, I even married a couple. Well, maybe third time's a charm.

Yeah, and he's just waiting for me at the bar of the Peninsula Hotel, right?

Where'd you get the Peninsula Hotel?

from? I don't know.

They have that big chafing dish of Swedish meatballs.

Yeah, we love those.

I love free meatballs.

What is it about them?

They're free and they're meat. What's the mystery?

Save your toothpicks. Rose likes it when I bring something home.

Okay, what's it going to be?

Couch, table, or bar stool?

Couch is closer to the buffet.

Say no more.

Martini's straight up.

We don't like martinis. Oh, we look good with the glass.

Oh, you know what other glass we look great with? Brandy snifters.

Mmm, the bomb.

Oh, this is good.

Much classier establishment.

Yeah.

Is that a bone or a peppercorn?

Peppercorn. Good.

Oh, you like blondes, don't you?

Nah. Why not?

Well, let's say we go to the Mediterranean.

He's going to broil like a lobster. I'll be sitting on the beach. He'll be in

the casino losing the mortgage. I've seen it happen.

Airline pilot.

You've enjoyed a few layovers in your day, haven't you?

No, no good. They retire early.

Then what do you got? Some old guy in a hat trying to fly the toilet.

Excuse me, sister girl, but I sense a little bit of negativity here.

Sister girl?

I heard one of the harlots say it.

Okay, lovely.

You know what we're going to do? We're going to relax, enjoy ourselves.

Whatever happens, happens.

Mm -hmm.

We're just going to sit back and enjoy our martini glass.

Perfect.

Drape yourself a little. What?

You're sitting up too straight.

I have good posture. Men don't like that.

They don't. A leg here, an arm there. You have no idea the business this

in.

Where do you come up with these things? Watch and learn.

Whoa!

Are you okay down there? Yeah, yeah. Just let me find my watch.

Excuse me. I was wondering, are you here alone?

Yes.

Great.

I found a nickel.

I saw a man's shoes.

What did I miss?

Not my type.

That's all right. Plenty more where he came from.

Let's inspect the troops.

is if that flaming baton had not hit the judge's table, Connie here would be

Miss New Jersey 1987.

I was just in it for the scholarship money anyway.

Well, I gotta say, my trip to L .A. just got a little bit nicer.

Well, I'm glad.

Any chance you might have some time to show me around this weekend?

I think that could be a range.

That'd be great.

Because Mom and I have already done Disneyland and Universal.

You're on vacation with your mother? Well, come on. What would a trip be

your best friend?

Hey, Mom, come here.

I want you to meet someone.

And her friend's that movie star you don't like.

Run. I'll fake a seizure.

Who bed... Who stayed in school and never took any drugs.

Can I try a beer? No.

Yeah, we took the bus.

Look, this is ridiculous.

I mean, I've known you your whole life. I know.

I'm your godfather.

I thought Barry Manilow was my godfather.

He used to be.

He always gave the best presents.

Come on. I mean, look, there must be something we'd enjoy doing together

all these years. I know.

Want to go and mess with your mother's scale?

You are so cool.

So, uh, let me ask you something.

Are those space pants?

I said, are those space pants?

That's it. We're out of meatballs. We're out of men. Let's get validated.

Not so fast, my friend.

Oh, my.

How can you not?

Uh,

look, it's been a long and not uninteresting night, but I have no more

talk in me, so holy cow, are you handsome.

And I'm happily married, but likewise, I'm sure.

Hey, I know you.

And I know her, so now we're all friends.

Well, we're having a party in the Versailles room, and I'm just taking a

breather. You two want to come?

You got any hors d 'oeuvres?

Six -course meal. Ooh, shake a leg, handsome.

Ooh, nice spread. What's the occasion?

It's a wedding. Oh, whose?

Mine.

You still have Klaus von Bulow's number? Because I could use a little nap.

Oh, my God.

Do you believe this, man? You are so...

How did you get her here?

You are my favorite singer in the whole world.

Your favorite?

Really? Well, if you don't count Barbara Streisand.

Which I don't.

Grandma Tessie, look who Nick got to sing at our wedding.

This is truly the most wonderful day of my whole life.

So, what are you going to sing?

Oh, come on.

date and his bride.

Grandma Tessie just gave me $18.

Oh, my.

Oh, look at them. They're so happy.

Sweetheart, you really made their night.

You ever miss being married?

Sometimes.

You ever miss being single?

Not after tonight.

Come on, we had fun.

Oh, I guess I just worry about you.

A lot?

Only when I'm not worried about myself, my family, my career, and the

environment. Oh.

No, not a hell of a lot. Good.

Don't. I like my life.

Good.

Shall we get a move on?

What's the cake?

Carrots. All right.

Oh, Connie.

Oh, listen, thanks so much. We had a really good time.

This is Robert.

He's my best man.

He's been asking about you.

Oh, well, how do you do?

You know, Bette was just going to...

Sing another song.

Maybe a flow one this time?

That could work.

Okay, Tessie.

Get your pocketbook out.

Hi.

How you doing?

Pretty good. How about you?

She's a little handsy.