Original subtitles

Come on, the plane's in an hour.

Did you get our seat assignments?

Yeah. Did you order me the Hindu meal?

Yes, and I have no idea why.

Oh, it just sounded kind of kicky.

It's okay.

If I don't like it, we'll switch.

Oh, well, phew.

Glad we worked that out.

Wait, wait. Where's my makeup case?

Here it is.

Oh, honey, I thought you were going to shave that.

Well, I changed my mind. I think it makes me look like Andy Garcia.

I like him.

What was I in with him?

An elevator.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

God, honey. Oh, for God's sake. What have you got in here? Just a couple of

Grammys. I get extra chocolates when the chambermaid sees them.

Come on, sweetheart. I don't want to be running down the tarmac after a plane

again. Okay, okay.

Okay. Oh.

I miss you two so much when I go away. We miss you too, Mommy.

Oh, always traveling.

You know, I should have just been a registered nurse.

That's enough to make you a Christian scientist.

Now listen, stay off the phone, listen to your father, and try to get him to

shave that thing off.

Okay, you have my email, you have my cell phone, you have my pager. Just take

care of each other, okay?

Mom, we'll be fine.

All right, one more time. Family hug, family hug.

Okay,

I'll see you tomorrow.

who loves me even though I'm crazy and nothing that I say is

true who won my heart and soul forever it's nobody else but nobody

else but each time I feel I'm out to pass her who always

makes me feel brand new I'm pledging my allegiance baby

I am telling you, I love those new button lifter pantyhose. Have you guys

them? Oh, they're exhausting. My ass hasn't felt that clench since I ate that

bag of Wow Chats. On that charming note, we'll take a break and be right back

with one of our favorite guests, the Divine Miss M.

Love her.

All right, sweetie, three minutes.

You don't have a Tums or anything, do you? That Hindi meal's still with me.

Really? Your chicken was delicious.

You decided what you're going to talk about on the show?

I thought I was just going to sing.

No, they expected you to do the panel afterwards.

Well, jeez. You could tell a girl.

I did tell a girl. The girl didn't listen.

Well, now what am I going to do?

Well, how about telling the one about the time the Harletts tied you to a cow

Minnesota?

I told that one the last time I was on.

Oh, I got a good story. How about the time I crashed the tour bus into the

Five store?

No, you just told that on Letterman.

Hey, how about when you had dinner with Julia Roberts and she ate mashed

potatoes with her hands?

You know what? I told that in strictest confidence to Nathan Lane. It turns out

his mouth has a wider circulation than Newsweek.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to go out there, shake my tatas,

and tell a whole bunch of dirty jokes.

Oh, no.

No, no, no. This is daytime TV.

People are ironing.

Well, that's it, then.

That's it. The day has finally arrived.

I got no stories left. I have nothing left to say. Honey, that is not too sure

you do.

Okay, come on. What did you do last weekend?

I did trash cleanup on the beach at Malibu.

And? And I found a lot of Fresca cans.

I didn't even know they still made that stuff.

Anything else?

Well, I found this kid's watch, and before he went into the water, I gave it

back to him.

That's it?

That's it.

Got a real O. Henry twist there at the end, doesn't it?

Okay, we're getting out of here. Let's go flag down a cap. Connie, no, no, no.

No, no, no. You can't just leave.

Connie, it's not the Kennedy Center Honors.

I can leave. No, listen to me. Listen to me, sweetheart. Just take a big, deep

breath, okay? You know what you're gonna do? We're gonna go out there.

You are gonna tell a delightful anecdote. You're gonna plug your CD.

sweetie. They're gonna love you, love you.

Connie, I know.

That's what it's all about, huh?

Do I get paid for this? Yeah.

Scale!

Take the flowers, the fruit, and I'm coming back for that lamp. All right.

telling you, I really want that lamp.

Tell you it was just my imagination Running

away, running away, baby It was

just my imagination once again

right up here and tell a story about me.

Don't talk to the audience.

So, what's been going on with you?

Okay, true story.

I'm on tour in Cleveland, right? Is this the one where you crashed into Large

and Lovely? Oh, you already heard that one?

Twice.

Okay, if you like that one, here's one. True story. I'm having dinner with Julia

Roberts. Nathan Lane just told that story on yesterday's show. Yeah, he did

voices and everything.

So, anyone do anything interesting this weekend? Anything at all?

Well, I did kind of sort of help this kid out on the beach in Malibu. Was

he in some kind of trouble? Well, let's just say it was a good thing I was

there. Oh, my goodness. Was there an undertow?

Oh, no. I didn't mean it. Mike, I was caught in an undertow once, and I almost

drowned.

Wow. So you just dove in there and saved the kid without any regard for your own

personal safety? Well, I wouldn't say that exactly.

Don't be so modest. You're a hero, isn't she?

Well,

anybody in my situation has done the same thing. Why didn't you tell that

from the beginning?

Well, I was going to, but who can get a word in edgewise?

It's just a free -for -all.

You really are so...

I'm just glad I'm a strong enough swimmer to go two kilometers with a

my back.

That is so dramatic, isn't it? I mean, you couldn't make up a better story.

We'll be right back.

Yeah, unless after the break you're abducted by aliens.

I guess I let things get a little out of hand, huh?

You think?

Well, honey, I was under a tremendous amount of pressure.

You see, sweetie, when I'm with you and Daddy, that's the real me. But once I'm

unleashed upon the public, people expect me to entertain them.

You know, if you look at it one way... Which way?

My way.

I'm really the victim here.

How do you figure? Okay, people crave too much entertainment these days.

so many channels, so many magazines.

I mean, what was I supposed to do?

Somebody's got to fill them up.

You know how much I hate to lie, but the world is a completely different place

than it was when I was born in 1962.

When?

1961.

Okay,

1902.

The point is, I feel terrible, okay?

Look, the best thing you can do is just be honest.

Really?

Okay. I really hate that goatee.

It's not a goatee. I call it the bounty hunter.

You're killing me, Roy. You're killing me.

I should have just nipped that lie in the bud. Now it's going to haunt me

forever, like the time I laughed when I saw Mother Teresa get her habit caught

in the car door.

You laughed at Mother Teresa?

Well, you weren't...

her little body snapped back.

Even the orphans giggled.

Look, if you're that worried about bad karma, there's only one thing you can

Buy it back.

How do you buy back bad karma?

You know what? I get it. I just have to do one thing to even the karmic scales,

and then it'll all be over. Be back in 60 minutes.

Mom, 15 minutes.

Honey, I'm going to run up and down the stairs twice.

Why are we doing a public service announcement on water safety?

Because I told a little fib on the view, and now I'm making up for it by doing a

good deed to the Red Cross.

Yes, that I understand, but why am I here?

Because Connie's still sick from the Hindi meal.

Well, be that as it may, I still don't really approve, you know, because a lie

is still a lie, and allowing people to think that you... I'm Dylan, and I'm

going to be in the PSA with you.

I've just got to tell you how brave what you did was.

Thank you, Dylan. My, aren't you pretty.

I was actually in the car with her. I was the one who first spotted the poor

child. I didn't hear that part of the story. Neither did I.

You know, I always wanted to be a lifeguard, but it was my road not taken.

I usually take the four or five to the ten.

Did you see how he...

took my words and twisted them round into his own little retort.

My, my. Noel Coward with a whistle.

Okay, Beth. Ready to run through it. Okay.

And... action.

Hi, I'm Beth.

Beaches was a great film to make, but not always the safest place to be.

You know, I love performing on stage, but I also love performing CPR.

So next time you're on the beach and the water gets a little rough...

So I just want to say that after seeing your public service announcement, it

inspired me to go out and learn CPR, and now I'm teaching all my friends. Yours

truly, Tiny Malone, San Quentin.

Look, he's even got a tattoo of me on his arm. Oh.

And when he flexes, it performs CPR.

Honey, that ain't CPR.

Still very touching. I mean, look at this outpouring of emotion.

Who would have thought the day I saved that kid it would lead to all this?

Beth. What?

There was no kid. Oh, my God, you're right.

I'm sorry. Sometimes I get carried away by my own magic.

Well, we all do, dear.

Well, the good part is it's done.

Yeah. I told a little lie. I made up for it. And now, because of me, the

swimming pool at San Quentin is just a little bit safer.

Hello? Connie?

Hi, it's Meredith Vieira. Hey, hi, how you doing?

I'm fine, thanks.

Listen, the ladies and I have been talking. Ever since that was on, we

the story of her and that kid out of our heads. You know, we really want to take

it to the next level.

Oh, I don't know. I think this level's pretty comfy.

Well, we called Betts Record Company, and they have agreed to donate $100 ,000

to the Red Cross if she'll accept the check on our show next Monday.

Gosh, well, I guess she could go back on since it's for charity.

And here's the fun part. When she walks out to accept the check, guess who's

going to hand it to her?

The boy she saved. Won't that be a surprise?

You have no idea.

Great. So I'll have our show's producers call you to get the boy's number.

No, no, no. Listen, you must be very busy. Why don't you just let me handle

that? Thanks. Talk to you soon. All righty.

You know, for God's... with nine fingers, Tiny has really good

Who's that?

Meredith Vieira.

What do you want?

Well, you know how you're worried you don't have any more good stories? Yeah,

think you're about to get one.

I'm telling you, it's driving me crazy.

How much longer can this possibly go on?

Look, honey, you'll do the reunion, you'll raise $100 ,000 for the Red

and the caramel will be paid in full.

I meant your beard.

It's not a beard. It's a jazz dot.

It's very hip.

Right, Rose?

Yeah, all my friends think I'm getting dropped off to school by Limp Bizkit.

Right now, I got bigger fish to fry.

You know, sometimes I wish I'd never pulled that kid out of the ocean in the

first place.

Honey. What? You didn't.

Damn, I keep doing that.

Good morning.

Hi, you're orange.

Not orange.

I'm... You see, I'm beachy looking.

You look like a traffic cone.

A woman in Savon said I looked like a bronzed god.

Then she said something in Spanish and laughed quite a lot.

Just don't sit on the couch.

Leave me alone.

Oh, by the way, I'm seeing Dylan tonight. I told him I'd spend all my

in the surf.

But you can't swim.

Well, if I start drowning, you can just jump in and save me then, can't you?

by my car and make sure nobody hits it.

Honey, what's my agent's number?

Uh, memory nine.

Oh, you're so good with math.

Hey, Rick.

It's me.

I'm looking for a little boy for a project I'm working on.

Well, he has to be about 11, a very poor swimmer, and very good at keeping a

secret.

Honey, honey, who are you talking to? I'm trying to rustle up a kid for that

reunion on The View.

Hang up, hang up. I got it covered. Rick, I'll call you back.

And who's that?

You remember my nephew, Lewis?

We went to see him as Juan Peron in the Fairfax Junior High production of Evita.

Chilling.

You're very good.

Thanks, but when you've got someone like Amber Weinstock playing Evita, you

can't go wrong.

We're doing The King and I this semester.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

Hey, you want to be in it? I'm the king, you can be I.

Well, I love you, darling, but I'm a movie star.

Well, why don't we go through this once, okay? Sweetie, you go into the kitchen,

and Lewis is going to wait here. And then you'll come out like you're being

reunited on The View, and you'll both act surprised. Okay, fabulous. Fabulous.

All right. Should I faint?

No. Oh, okay.

I really think I should faint.

Gilding the lily. Go.

Nobody let me faint.

with the Divine Miss M and maybe a surprise or two, so don't go away.

I still think I should faint. You're not fainting.

How about if we both cry?

Fine. I don't know if I can cry.

Oh, it's easy. You just have to think of something sad.

Did you ever have a dog that died?

Come on, sweetheart. I don't want anybody seeing the two of you together.

Connie. Connie, just tell me we're doing the right thing. Oh, sweetheart. Of

course we're not.

But this is going to put an end to it, and that'll be that. That's all we want,

right? Yes, please.

You know what? I just want you to know, from now on, it's honesty with me all

the way. Good girl. Bye,

honey.

Don't you dare!

You know, I've never had poi before.

It's very tasty.

Well, it's like chopped liver, but not bad.

I told you.

All right, Beth, we have to tell you the truth. We didn't fly you 3 ,000 miles

just to see you mash up some taro root.

What do you mean?

Come on, Missy, we have a little surprise for you.

Come on, it's the best surprise.

We have someone here whose life you changed in such a deeply profound way,

you haven't seen in a while.

It's not Shelly Long, is it? Because the judge said 500 feet.

I want you to meet a new friend of ours, but an old friend of yours.

Louis?

I can't believe such a big star cared enough to stop and help out a kid like

That rules!

I only wish Barbara Walters were here to see this.

What day does she come in anyway?

Is this the first time you two have seen each other since that day at the beach?

Pretty much, yeah.

He's always in my thoughts, though. Tell us again what happened.

Look, I'm so tired of... tooting my own horn. Really, I'm glad I was there. I'm

glad it worked out well, but really, it's time for all of us to move on.

And she's so humble, isn't she?

Thank you, thank you, but really enough.

How about a song?

You know, maybe Lewis can tell us what happened.

Honey, what did happen that day after she saved you?

Well, she drove me home and asked me about myself, and I told her I was in

drama club.

I always... the fourth yard.

And that's when I told her how my school was doing the King and I. Yes, that's

right, he did. And that's when she had the idea of starring in it with me and

making a benefit for the Red Cross.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Well, why let all the good work stop here, right?

Absolutely! What a great idea, Ben!

And all the pretty proceeds go to the Red Cross. Well, I think we should

it. What do you think, girls?

Let's do it. Audience, what do you think?

All right, look.

I just can't stand this anymore.

I just need to be honest with everyone.

Yes? Yeah.

Hi, I'm Bette.

Tonight's episode addresses a serious problem in our society.

Celebrity lying.

And as you saw, it got my character into quite a pickle.

Now, just because I am an Academy Award winning actress.

Bette.

Nominated actress.

That does not give me the right to lie to you.

As I said when I was Time Magazine's Woman of the Decade. Bette.

Person of the Year.

Bette. Long time subscriber.

If you're going to lie, don't drink and drive.

CBS, it's all here.