Original subtitles

How are you doing?

Oh, charm.

Jamie, darling.

I've just seen the cast list, and guess what?

I'm Laertes, and you're Ophelia.

Oh, fantastic.

Who's my mother? Terry.

Oh, you're kidding.

Yeah, I know. Very beautiful.

Look, we're all going to Paris this weekend. You know, you've just got to

Oh, I can't. I've got tap on Friday and jazz dance this afternoon.

Oh, no.

Pity. Deal. I'll see you at the Impro on Monday.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Oh, hi, Perry.

Hi.

Well,

there you have it, Matt.

If the Iranians won't play ball with the Americans, the Russians will ignore the

Germans if we don't bring the checks in. You can bank in it.

Important tax for you, Commander.

Thanks, Doreen.

How's that nice young man of yours?

Thompson. Sir.

D .S.

Doris. Sir, sir. F .O.

Marjorie. Am I, am I not the head of D .I. 5?

Yes, sir, yes, sir. Thompson, would you say it was my duty to protect the free

world from international terrorism? Yes, sir. So why am I being bothered with

this domestic crime? It's your daughter, sir. It's my, it's my work.

Commander Jackson here. I want all available men taken off the Operation

case. Three cars to our shoot watch. I want all ports and airports closed as of

now. And Bridget, make sure my wife's put down her sedation. See to it.

One, two, one, two.

Is it on?

Oh, take it away, Sam.

Hello, you who, you secret service man.

We've got your baby daughter, got to catch...

These people are kitchen sink lunatics.

In broad daylight, they went up to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, obliged a

19 -year -old drama student, my daughter, into the back of a car and

as calm as you please to compose this ransom threat.

We want 200 ,000 pounds, and this is how you get it.

100 ,000 from the National Theatre, 50 ,000 from the Royal Opera, 40

,000 from the Royal Shakespeare Company, and wait for it, 10 from you, the

ever -so -secret servant.

What a dreadful song.

It's my daughter, the peddler!

I'm afraid you're going to have to sit this one out, Jackson.

Your final word?

No. I've taken a precaution of having you suspended from duty.

Just until this matter is resolved.

Nepotism, I'm sure you understand.

Johnson!

You've given us five days.

Bastards! Sounds like a tire -lever job, sir.

No. I don't want any mechanics in this job. This is strictly sub -department.

Anyone in mind, sir?

Yes.

Bonehead and foil.

But, sir, they've been in the outtray for six months. So?

Well, it means, sir, that they're not indexed, and nobody knows where they

Thompson, if they are alive, they are breathing. If they are breathing, they

breathing air. And, laddie, if you are breathing air, you are paying tax.

Find them! Sir.

Can you hold?

We'll call you back in a fortnight. Thank you.

Sorry to keep you.

Who's calling?

I'll see if he's in.

Mr Bonehead?

Yes, dear?

There's a Mr Thompson on the line.

Thompson? Yeah.

Says you worked in a circus together.

I'm in a meeting.

Mr. Thompson. He's in a meeting.

I'm afraid. I've no idea.

Okay, then. Bye.

Nobs.

Yes, it is a mouthful, isn't it?

Nobs Academy for what?

Oh, my God.

No, Thompson, no. I'll deal with them myself.

And you say you found foil?

Where?

Oh, Mr Boyle. Yeah?

There's a letter for you.

Oh, thanks, Mickey. I suppose it's more of that fan mail.

Yeah, that or the income tax. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, there's a message for you here from a Mr Thompson.

He said you used to work at the zoo together.

Yeah, well, look, if he calls again, Mickey, do me a favour and tell him I'm

dead.

Right, gentlemen, hands out your pocket.

What you see before you is a motor car.

It's a joke public and means a conveyance from point A to point B.

That gentleman is history.

It's the TV tough guy.

A motor car is his mistress.

His lover.

His best friend.

Don't forget that.

Write it down, then forget it.

OK.

There are two types of TV tough guy. The double act, Starsky and Hutch, Freebie

and the Bean, and the loner, Clint Eastwood and Chuck.

Dirty Harry, sir.

Very good example. Write that one down, everybody. Right.

I'm going to deal with the loner first.

Camera's running.

Sound's rolling.

I've got to get inside that car.

What's the first thing I do? Troy, stop the engine, sir.

No. Anybody, quickly, come along.

door at him, sir. Very good. Well done, Chuck. All right, what's the first thing

I do with this door handle, Stig? Press it down, sir.

No. I do not press it down. The first thing you do with the door handle is you

do not look at it.

And this is a good opportunity for a nice profile shot.

Use it. You might not get another opportunity.

Plenty of looking up and down that street.

International terrorists in town. The TV tough guy never does what?

Wayne? Locks his car, sir. And why?

Wasting film, sir.

Well done. Very good indeed, Chuck. Very good. OK, we're getting inside this

car. Come along, gather round.

Right then, I'm in the car. What's the first thing I do? Dean?

Seatbelts.

Dean.

I've got 30 seconds of film time to get across London.

There are 14 armed terrorists awaiting to pump me full of lead.

Now, I'm going to take this...

Perhaps I ought to get out and check the tread on the tires.

All right, all right, all right, gentlemen. Joke's over.

Remember, there's no clunk click on these trips.

Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun?

How's about a few laughs, laughs, laughs? I could show you a good

time. Show you a good time.

Listen, Ophelia, my lovely.

You're mine to be Miss Improvisation at Drama College.

But here, you're nothing more than a meal ticket for me and Laughing Boy

to set ourselves up for life.

You're with the professionals now, dear. And we mean business.

Show business.

From the top, Jimmy.

You bloody fools!

Look at you.

Two tired, washed -up pub entertainers on a fantasy to nowhere.

You're jealous, aren't you?

Because I've got a career ahead of me. A future.

Ed Putnam films, Bill Forsythe comedies, experimental plays at the National

Theatre.

You know I need somebody to help. I just need somebody to help.

Here. Do you know what happened to me the other day?

No. I went to the doctor's. I told him I had a dream.

I told him I was a bivouac.

No. Do you know what happened the next day? No.

I went back again and I told him I had another dream, like I was a big top.

One word, just one little word, and it'll be underwater acting from here on

if you know what I mean.

Doctor said the trouble with you is you're too tense!

Right, you ready to start building, then?

What the hell am I supposed to build?

This. The dawning of a new age.

What the hell are you talking about?

Family style. Let's have a good old knees -up with a bit of after -hours

drinking.

Entertainment complex.

That is not what we're talking about at all.

What we're talking about is a very cosy family style, wear -whatever -you -like

sort of complex called the Black Wanger.

The Black Wanger? We are not calling it the Black Wanger. Oh, yes, we are.

Yes, we are.

No, we're not. You might as well call it the bent copper splat wanger and have

done with it, eh?

But, and it's a very, very big but, watch that shiny car roof.

Why, Troy?

Reflection, sir. Of what?

Double chins.

Absolutely correct. So what are we like working with, everybody?

Violin roofer.

Correct. Tell that producer it's your career.

Let's get back inside this car.

What's the first thing that happens when the TV tough guy's inside his car?

Anybody? Quickly, come on.

No? Disco music.

All right, all right.

Calm down.

Party's over. Come along.

Concentrate.

Mirror actor.

And you still couldn't see it, could you?

I'm not a fudge packer.

The Russians used a gay sewer on me and you fell for it.

Eyebrows were raised. Yeah, and a few trousers were dropped. So what?

All that's all about on Hampstead East.

That wasn't me.

That was the guy's theorem.

You think I didn't know that?

I had no control over the situation.

You think I wanted to lose the two most accomplished and feared agents in the

history of DI5?

Creme de la creme.

The two guys I took from a special branch and educated personally became

like servants.

You think I wanted that?

X3 safe house.

5 .30 tomorrow. Be there.

With foil.

Well, you can say what you like about capitalism, Jenny, but it took you

public school.

Public school?

You call that an education?

20 emotionally raped 13 -year -olds giggling in the tuck room at the very

mention of the word Tampax.

Sexually repressed minors whose only advantage in adult life would be to...

themselves stupid with a banana because hubby is away on business, and then be

able to orgasm very loudly in Latin.

Jenny, if your mother was alive today, I shudder to think how she would react to

hear you talking like that. March and fall to the stage, please.

March and fall to the stage. Thank you.

It's him, isn't it?

The oafish parasite of a husband of yours.

Who, because he wrote two column inches for the New Statesman, has the audacity

to call himself a man of letters and is, in point of fact, a works -shy, shit

-stirring, pinko bastard.

Let's take a rest from the top pocket.

Thanks. ...graduate grant at Sussex University with a wife and two fists to

keep. It's hardly likely to induce... Did you play squash on the weekend?

Joking. After Friday night, I was really wrecked. That grass really... Meaning

of the word?

Are you still here?

Roger!

Hi, darling.

Still trying to get off at Dunkirk, are we?

I loathe and detest you. Roger, don't! You keep out of this!

Hey!

Hey, you can't go down there.

DR5, Joe Knightley. Shut up, you gibbering antique.

This isn't a garret club, Grandad. This is reality.

Three -bedroom, semi -detached... Up to my neck in debt reality.

Our debt.

Shut up!

Not for me, the upbringing of you and your ill subscribers.

No, for me, it was the comprehensive, the polytechnic, and yes, I did go on

demonstrations. And I did wear a duffel coat.

And I was grateful for the two weeks holiday I had in Greece with a first

sociology student who wouldn't let me fuck her!

What?

Oh, yes.

And what have I got to show for it?

two emotionally retarded kids, a Volvo with all -day running lights, and an

erotic wife with strength marks!

So what do you think of the play?

Fight sense of atrocious.

Apart from that, it was okay.

Yeah, well, it's a major indictment against middle -class values. It's a

profound piece of theatre.

Anyway, it's had great reviews.

So what do I owe this honour?

The commander wants us back in a gamble.

Forget it.

If you think I'm going out on a West End run, two beer commercials, a three

-week shoot in Spain, just to drive round a souped -up Ford Capri wearing

underpants, you're dreaming.

Don't knock it, Foyle.

You fight international terrorism, you're called a bird.

You haven't changed.

Neither have you.

I mean, how many birds are you pulling doing that crap?

Political comedy?

I've had more laughs watching orphans burn.

Foil.

What? She's an actress.

She's been kidnapped.

Who's our agent?

Peggy. Peggy. Peggy Ramsey? That's it.

I'll do it.

Well, let's go.

So the idea is you get all the money off the National Theatre, Royal Opera House

and the Royal Ballet.

Yep. So you can build a vaudeville fun palace for the people right here on that

site. Yes.

Um, so how can a person like me fit into all this?

You don't.

Because I'm a middle -class drum student.

You think I don't feel for the people as well?

Haven't stood on the stage at college and known what it is to communicate?

To reach out and touch people's minds?

I'm 19 years of age and scream after.

What chance have I got out there and snared in that vicious circle of agents'

phone calls, cocktail parties, expensive restaurants that is contemporary

British theatre?

But that's what you want, isn't it?

I'm just a symbol of everything you're fighting against.

Me.

Janie Jackson.

Just another stain on the casting couch.

Hey, Salma. Never mind. You can always take up singing.

There's three bottles outside.

He's in.

And a carton of orange juice.

He's on his own.

Any eggs?

No.

Good.

Well, there you have it, gentlemen.

She's the daughter of a high -ranking civil servant.

She's been kidnapped, and I want her returned in one piece.

The list of demands is on this tape. Listen to it. There'll be a lab report

the morning.

When do we pick up the 5 ,000 walkie -talkies? Yeah, when?

Ah, yes, I nearly forgot.

This is our deep -sea operation.

Strictly butted and underground.

So there's your London transport passes.

And a bag of 10p's for the phone.

You're mad.

There's no zooming about in fast cars.

Come on.

Have a look at these, gentlemen.

We're found in the body of a Russian agent.

I personally have the negatives.

It's a gay theorem file.

Double tune.

You're working off a bit of fat.

It's freezing out there.

It's cold in here too.

Don't you have time for an eating?

Yeah, it's on.

Cues everywhere.

Probably unemployed for them.

Yeah, well, they've got to eat, you know.

What's that?

Oh, that was made by the same person who made Princess Diana's wedding dress.

And what's that?

It's a cup.

It's a dirty cup.

Anyway, I can't see why they don't just give them the money. We've got enough.

Yeah, well, it's not government policy to give them to kidnappers.

Anyway, you're wrong.

Theatre, opera, ballet needs as much government money as it can get.

VAT's killing off the business.

Just kill it off permanently, if you ask me.

Only middle -class posers go and see that junk, anyway.

Junk?

Junk, Bonet.

Where else in the world are you going to see superbly staged Greek dramas?

Greece? Oh, with the greatest actors in the world?

Greatest actors in the world, Boyle? You wouldn't get Sylvester Stallone or Lee

Marvin doing that crap, would you?

That's not acting, son.

It's acting, son.

with nuts and honey.

You wanna see a psychiatrist, Royal?

Delicious.

We'd better be off.

Keep practicing the scowls, love.

When will you be back?

About four o 'clock.

Now, we're going to have to lock the door so you don't escape.

Oh, don't worry about me.

I'm doing a petty hurt.

I think I'm coming round to your way of thinking.

She knew what I was thinking. She chopped herself.

What have we got so far?

One black, one white.

How do we know that?

Laboratory vocal cam report.

Commander talked to me earlier on.

Speaker's black, six foot, mid -thirties, and gay.

No, he's not black.

What about the piano?

Dial a plane suggests a man five foot tall, 140 pounds, short stubby fingers

long scruffy hair.

We're talking about double act.

Yep, looks like it.

You fancy a pub

crawl? What, the whole of London?

There's only one place this pair could work.

Knees up, country.

East End.

Let's go!

Take a 38.

Take a 42.

No! Make it a giggling monster.

Good. Excellent.

So, Bonehead and Foil are out in the open.

No, just follow them.

Seems everything's going just as we planned.

Where? Rat and puppy.

Drop the trumpet!

Move! Let's go! Move!

Where did you get these?

Gene Junction.

Gene Junction?

Why didn't you get Levi's?

Put them on, Phil. It's got money.

You keep your eye on Commander Jackson.

Who knows?

You could be in his shoes by the end of the week. Good Lord willing, any creek

don't rise.

Let's hope so, sir.

How many times in one day can a bloke in my way be in front before he runs

around needlessly killing people for?

How many? One more.

I know, I know, I know, Thompson, but you're... Thompson!

I know you're the only backup you've got. Uh -huh.

Well, keep your eye on them.

Mm -hmm.

And, Thompson, I have...

Send a psychiatrist round to my wife immediately, will you? Mm -hmm. And more

sedatives. Jesus Christ.

I'm browned off with this bus game.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. All right, let's go!

Now, check a bird out the other night.

I'm not saying she was skinny. I'm saying that her eyes were actually in

file.

Working in the garage as a dipstick.

I took her home. The old man opened the door, put her straight in the umbrella

stand. I said, here, here.

We sat on the sofa. I put my arm round her. She said, here, here, here.

I said, where, where, where?

I took her down to a nudist colony last year. I had to bring her home after two

days. The dog kept trying to bury her.

Well, thank Christ we're mobile.

Yeah, I've got a really bad headache, so I haven't got a lot of fast driving in

the world.

Listen, what happens if she's dead?

Get down there while she's still warm.

All right, Doug, you have a check.

We don't know where the girl is yet. We could smash it out of them, Foyle.

Now then, what about an old sing -song then?

How's about that ugly one there?

Come on, get up there.

Kill the bastards. We don't know where the girl is yet. I'll just get up there

and sing a straight number.

I can't.

What do you mean you can't?

I can't sing, Foyle.

Oh, great time to tell me about it.

Please release me, Flat.

Oh, please release me.

Let me go.

Because I don't love you anymore.

Best thing we've had around here for a while.

Good -looking, too.

Our lives would be a sin.

Please release me, my...

Well, then, Pillock, he's a kidnapping bastard, and I'm going to kill him.

Nice boy, son.

Plenty of charisma, you know?

Oh, thanks.

Ever thought of taking in a professional, like? You know, a nice

Yeah, well, that's... It's a reptile. Piss off.

Who's the gorilla?

Right, that is it.

Right, fly me to the moon.

What, you got a rocket then, son?

Only joking. How many bars you want? When you're behind them, you can count

them, can't you? Left, right, left, right, left, right. Fly me to the moon

take me up among the stars.

Let me see what life is like on Jupiter and Mars.

In other words, you kidnapping bastard, I love you, pretty baby.

In other words, you're dead, I love you.

Let's do lunch. Yeah, let's touch base.

Yeah, let's go.

There is somewhere.

Don't squirt out.

Just go.

I'm together.

I don't want you to harm a head on her head.

Yeah, well, if she's an actress, Guff, she's wearing a wig.

Let's go!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy!

What time's our time, Poyle?

Where are we, Rotherhithe?

Downriver? About 6 .15, 6 .20?

Let's go!

a week for that roof hold.

Pretty stressed concrete.

Three months of end mix.

That too.

Two and a half tons.

Let's go.

How long will it take to get back to your place?

About an hour.

You know those really tight black jeans you've got?

He's going to clean.

I really respect you, not just as a Secret Service agent, but as a man.

Yeah.

I love you, Foyle.

I love you.

Oh, God.

All those months you were running knobs.

I missed you so much, Bonehead. I ached for you.

I used to walk past the theatre hoping to bump into you.

I thought I'd lost it. I'll phone it.

Jenny!

This is Commander Jackson, DI5.

You are surrounded.

It's no youth, Commander. She is one of us now.

Jenny!

If they've so much as laid a finger on you, I promise... I won't hold it

you. Leave me.

I scrimped and saved every penny.

And I did it for you, Jenny.

Because I love you.

Very touching, George. You've gone quite far enough.

I'm sorry, George. We never intended to kill you.

We? Yes, we. I've been working with the KGB since I joined this service.

I'm a full colonel now. You may remember it was I who recommended Thompson to

DI5. You bastard.

I'll take the Admiral.

I'll get Thompson.

Cover me.

So, uh, how does my daughter come into this?

As you're probably aware, Commander, the British Theatre, in which your

daughter's in no small way connected, is internationally considered the finest

in the world.

Imagine that. A British touring company, not unlike the Royal Shakespeare,

visiting a foreign country?

Politicians, financiers, judges, they'll turn out in their droves to celebrate

this cultural event.

I'm sorry, I still don't understand, Admiral.

Or should I say, Colonel?

Never slow, George.

The entire cast is recruited from final year drama students.

Of course, they all have to be vaccinated.

You bastard.

Subliminal triggering, George.

We infect them with a secret serum.

To do what?

The production, let's say, is Henry IV.

Prince Hal has just returned from the war.

A messenger enters stage right and says, odds goblet, tis strange, my lord.

On hearing this line, Commander, the entire cast, programmed by the serum,

amok and decapitates the entire front row of the audience, thereby causing a

major diplomatic incident.

The rest, I'm sure you know.

But why kidnap my daughter? We didn't. An unfortunate coincidence.

Quite by chance, these two vaudeville morons took it upon themselves to kidnap

your daughter, to raise money to finance a pathetic theatrical venture in

London's wasted dockless.

And I'm sure you realize, having heard her sing, your daughter is expendable,

indeed you are yourself.

And so are you, Captain Birdseye.

Freeze!

State, if this is a film, how would you end it?

You and Foyle fight your way out, followed by 40 seconds of quick -fire

Then credits roll. Nah, not enough stunts.

Dean, you and Foil take the girl and escape in a speedboat. Like the

not enough violence.

Try it.

Helicopter appears from nowhere, crashes into the building, kills everyone

except you and Foil. Like the helicopter, but a wee bit too expensive.

Chuck!

Hail a crossfire.

Everybody dies except you and Foil.

Foil turns very slowly to Bonehead and says, Jesus Christ, I hate killing

people.

Followed by helicopter shot moving away in the distance. Good boy, good boy.

Jesus Christ I hate killing people.