Original subtitles

you some questions individually, and all you have to do is answer me, and I will

mark you for the exam.

So, let me begin with Lauren.

Ça va, Lauren?

Oui,

Lauren, il faut que vous parlez en français.

Lauren,

it's a French oral exam. You have to try to speak in French. Whatever.

Lauren, s 'il vous plaît, quel âge avez -vous?

I... I don't know, ask me in English.

Lauren, it's a French oral test.

But I ain't a French oral.

What? I'm an English oral. So if you want to ask me a question, ask me in

English. Lauren, French is an important language.

Not for me, eh?

It can teach you a lot about your own language. Thank you.

Lauren, you have to try to make an effort. No, I don't.

It's a beautiful language.

Miss, have you got airy armpits?

I beg your pardon?

Are you scared of razors, miss? No, I'm not. Are they expensive in French land?

No, they're not.

Well, why don't you buy one, then?

How dare you?

Miss, were you in a la -la -la?

No. Miss, say good morning.

No. Go on, just say good morning.

No. Go on, say good morning. No, I'm not going to say that. Please, miss, just

say good morning.

Say good morning.

Good morning.

You were in a la -la -la.

Right, Lauren, that's enough. I'm not going to stand here and listen to this

kind of xenophobic abuse from a stupid girl who is too ignorant to even learn

the language, let alone understand the people. I will fail you for this test,

which means you will get an F for the entire module.

Absolutely appalling. Do you behave like this at home?

I'm proud to call myself French.

Our nation has produced some of the finest examples of culture

contribution to modern civilization.

And you, young lady, if you bothered to pay the slightest attention in my

lessons, might benefit also.

Have you been eating garlic?

I can't believe it. Our first home.

I know.

I never thought we'd exchange.

And you've got the panoramic view you've always wanted. Yeah, 18th floor.

Oh, I'm just going to get a bag of knick -knacks. Oh, you and your knick

-knacks.

I'll see you up there.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't like this any more than you do.

I shouldn't be here.

You're all I think about.

No!

Cut there.

Is everything all right?

Yeah. Fine.

Is something wrong?

No.

Let's just start again straight away.

I'm just going to take two.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't like this any more than you.

I shouldn't be here.

You're all I think about.

Let's just do one more. Can you maybe make it a little more truthful this

Yeah. Yes, yes, sure, sir. I thought I was, actually.

But no, cool, let's do another one.

Sorry. No, don't worry about it. Let's do one more. OK.

I can't go on like this.

I don't like this any more than you do.

I shouldn't be here.

You're all I think about.

Oh, well, if you're going to be like that about it, missus.

Is that any better?

OK, we're going again.

Yeah, we're going to be losing it a little at the end there.

Do you? Right.

OK, sorry.

What do you mean?

Well,

it's your voice, Ashley.

Oh, that's odd.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

Yeah, it's just beginning to slip into something else that's not quite you.

Right.

Oh, hold on. I'm not doing my Frankie Howard, am I?

Yes, that's exactly it.

It's a bit like Frankie Howard.

Oh, I've had that note before.

It's something I do with my mouth, apparently.

I'm amazed that you spotted that.

It's come across quite broad, actually.

Is it?

Oh, I'm a bit freaked out by that.

It's about this thing about film, isn't it? I mean, it just picks up the

slightest thing. Yeah, right.

So, ready to go again? Yes, yes. No, I absolutely know what you mean. Yeah.

OK. Let's set off one last time.

I can't go on like this.

I don't like this any more than you do.

I shouldn't be here.

You're all I think about.

No!

Sorry, keep rolling, keep rolling. This is the one, this is the one. Give me the

cue line.

You're all I think about.

Don't say that.

Love you so much.

Oh, no. What?

No, well, that's a big one. Oh, yes.

Oh, no. What? Shut your face. No. Down in the meadow in a little pretty pool.

One, three.

One,

what? No. Shut your face. What? No.

Oh, yes.

No, Mrs. What?

Shut your face. Shut your...

I think that was the line.

Sunday and Monday, happy days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days.

Thursday, Friday, happy days.

Saturday. What a day.

Running all week with you.

Morning,

Mark. Morning, Georgie. How was your weekend, pet?

Lovely, thank you.

Michaela went to a sleepover party.

Did she have a good night?

Or did she wake up in the morning with her pyjama button sodden and another

mattress ruined?

No, it was fine.

Hey, that's champion news.

Can I borrow your nice non -sliphole puncher?

Sure. I'll tell you what it is.

Me and some of the other girls down at the Weir side work in Mother's Club

a little fundraiser.

Oh, another one.

What are you doing this time?

We're pulling a Boeing 747.

From Whitley Bay to Tynemouth using only the B roads.

For all the little folk in the North East area who suffer from sex addiction.

Sex addiction?

Is that a big problem in the North East?

Did you know that one in four families...

Settle down to watch telly of a Saturday evening, knowing in their hearts

they're going to have to endure the distraction of Dad hunched up at the end

the sofa knocking one out.

It's only noise.

If you don't believe me, log on to the website.

www .hownicetomeetyou .co .uk forward slash cannot trouble you for a

soapy tit wank.

I'll put you down for.

Let's say three pounds.

Three pounds?

I'm not sure you quite understand the scale of this epidemic, Martin.

Every 38 minutes, one of these poor little unfortunates, through no fault of

own, ducks into the nearest delicatessen, sinks his old fella into a

hummus and starts pumping away.

Sorry, George, it's just a bit hard at the moment.

Sorry, I didn't mean... Aye, that's it.

Laugh it off.

How would you like it if every time someone rubbed up against you in home

you had to sneak off into bathroom fittings for a swift -hand shindig?

I'm really sorry.

Four pounds.

£4?

For all those poor little lasses who cannae even go to the post office to buy

boot of stamps without sitting on the cashier's face.

It's my absolute top.

£4 it is, then?

I've just had one of those weeks. Well, then let's say no more about it because

I wouldn't want it to come between us.

Is that a new blouse, Georgie?

I'm not. Didn't you wear it before? Looks nice.

That'll cool you down, you horny little beggar.

Oh,

Mummy,

I do enjoy our visits to Guillaume. He really is the greatest charcuterie in

London.

Good God in heaven above.

What is it?

I must have taken a wrong turning.

We seem to have driven into a place called... Tottingham.

Mummy, look!

What's that?

Shall we feed him? No, if you do that, he may follow us home.

Mummy, this is scary.

We must remember the time we were on safari in the Serengeti.

We keep the windows and doors locked and don't let the locals see the windscreen

wipers moving in case they try to rip them off.

Mummy, look at this.

Yes, I've got it.

I think they sell... Sell what, Mummy?

Frozen food.

Now, try not to panic, but the traffic lights... are red and there's a man

standing next to them with a bucket of dirty water and a sponge.

Smile and look out front.

Well, it's a day at the coast, isn't it? We're on our way to Filey because I

wanted to look round the Museum of Victoriana and Ray fancied a fish

Best fish and chips in Europe.

Mind you, we didn't go straight there, did we? We stopped off in Castleford to

see our Valder.

Big mistake.

So we get there and she's only having a charity coffee morning.

A coffee morning for charity.

This is in Castleford.

So we knock on the door.

Listen to this.

And it's 50p to get in.

50p to get into her house.

Steve, it's for the blind.

It's not even a house, it's a bungalow.

So we step in and she asks us to take her shoes off. She's not even a Muslim.

We both went to the lounge and the world and his wife were there.

At 50p a pop.

Except for the Aynsworth.

who'd all gone to Huddersfield cos their Jessica's got another interview at

Huddersfield University.

She'll not get in.

So she brings us over a coffee.

Valder. Listen to this.

She says, I hope you don't mind, but I'm allergic to dairy.

She can't eat milk.

And you'll never guess what she's made the coffee with instead.

This is unbelievable.

What did she call it?

Rice.

Light.

Don't ask.

Rice. Light.

Do you know what it is? Wait for it.

Milk.

Made from rice.

Rice.

Milk.

The dirty bastard.

They get a bit of rice and they squeeze it. And what comes out the end, they

stick in a carton and call it rice milk.

He went mad, didn't you? Don't get me wrong. I'm as broad -minded as the next

man. He once shook hands with a fella who was definitely a little bit

effeminate. But I'm not having that. No way.

But that's not it.

She gives us a bill for the coffee.

Tell him how much.

£1 .50 each.

£3 in all.

Two coffees, shit milk, £3.

Even Dick Turpin wore a mask.

I came out with the wrong shoes.

The dirty, evil, lactose intolerant bastards.

So he finally proposed?

Yeah. He asked me last night. It was so romantic. That is fantastic.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

I'm absolutely delighted.

That is so exciting. I'm going to get married.

Oh, hang on a minute. I'm just going to go and get a bag of monster lunch. Okay.

Night day.

Smacking.

Beautiful on the heath this time of year.

The crisp or tamal air.

The crackle of leaves underfoot.

Knock her out.

I had a tall skinny latte earlier.

I know the feeling.

help you do?

Well, I was wondering if I could help you.

How do you mean?

Would you like to join me in there?

In there?

For what?

Some fun.

I beg pardon?

I was wondering if you and I could get together for some fun.

Yes, I heard that bit.

Come on then.

Unleash the monster.

Do you mean you're not?

Me dear, me dear, gay dear, no dear.

Just because a man knows the entire dance routine for making your mind up,

rip and all, you accuse him of bowling from the pavilion end?

I'm sorry, I thought you were cruising.

Cruising? I've never been so insulted.

What can I say? I've made a mistake.

25 years my mother and I have been cabin on this piece and I've never in all

that time been accused of being a chutney ferret.

I am so sorry.

Cruising for...

Jelly Deals.

This is in London.

The Dirty Evil Cockney Bastards.

Morning, Neville.

How are you diddling?

Looks about all right.

Yourself? I stopped my feet, Neville.

It's been a while.

that fella.

Who's that fella, Vern?

Big fat bloke with a beard.

Got an eye for the ladies.

Got an eye for the ladies.

Lunch chicken.

Jeff Cates.

No, he never leaves the house.

Oh, what's his name?

Henry the Ape.

What, the Tudor King of England?

I didn't think he was around anymore.

That's what I thought.

But it turns out he's been went to the Very nice.

Oh, he did laugh.

So what was he doing around here, then?

He was on a sponsored bike ride with that Anna Cleaves.

Nice

one,

Vern.

the minute they cycle off, they get a puncture going into the slick wall.

She weren't happy.

She weren't happy what she found.

Oh, dear.

Apparently, she didn't want to go on a bike ride in the first place.

She wanted to go shopping in Argos and pick up one of them snapped -together

shelving units.

If you want to watch them, the brackets can be a bit wobbly.

Any sauce?

No, thanks.

Can I pay you tomorrow?

You are...

Can you believe an hour ago we were stuck in traffic?

Oh, it's great, isn't it?

Really refreshing.

I feel so alive.

Isn't it peaceful?

I'm just going to get a bag of mini cheddars.

guest has been out in the town enjoying herself.

Now, we took her to see a top West End show and then we treated her to tea at

the Ritz. And here she is to tell us all about it. Will you please welcome Joni

Taylor!

Oh, it's lovely to see you. Why don't you go and sit down on the couch? Come

love. Hey, have a look at it, all right? Are you all right?

Hattie, sit yourself there. I've had a couple of guineas round the back.

Are you all right? Oh, I'm a bit choked up, darling. You'll be OK.

Oh, here we are.

So, tell us, where have you been?

I've been to the theatre.

Oh, have you? We've been to see Billy...

If you don't mind. Oh, it's fantastic.

Oh, and what a story, though, sweetheart.

It's about the closure of the mines, a community ripped apart, but somehow they

managed to soldier on through the magic of dance.

Now, we did all this for you because your grandson got in touch with us.

Oh, he's a beautiful boy, he is. I don't know what I'd do without him. Because

he loves you, you see, darling.

Oh, yeah, well, he watches you all the time because you haven't got a job, see,

you know.

Where is he?

Where is he?

Have a look.

Have a look. He's sitting there with all the old girls.

He thought you deserved a little bit of a treat.

And he also told me that there's something in your house that you're not

fond of.

And now he died five years ago.

I think he was talking more about your armchair.

Oh, it's a rotten old thing.

Oh, I'm embarrassed when people come up my house to see it. I've tried to get

rid of it.

They won't do nothing about it. I rang up the council. I said, take it away.

They won't do nothing. They don't want the work, see.

You have a look at that screen over there. There you go. See it?

Let me see it!

Now, here's your chance now to finally get your own back on that chair.

What am I going to do, blow it up? Blow it up. Blow up me chair?

Yeah. What, now?

Yeah, just give it a good push, Mrs Taylor. Can you manage it? Yeah.

And me chair's on fire in a field.

Oh, it's marvellous, that, isn't it?

Now, have a look at this. Yeah. Have a look at this over there. That's my

Yeah.

And you've got a brand new state -of -the -art armchair.

You

been

in my flat?

Yeah, I asked her so, you know. You been inside my fucking flat?

Listen, it's a fabulous chair. It's got an electrically heated seat.

What are you trying to do, burn me fucking arse off?

side of it, I bet you went right down the post office and cashed that, didn't

you? You're no good scarce bastard.

What a fucking liberty.

And to cap it all, you've sent me packing down to watch that pile of old

All the little fairy boys dancing about in tutus.

I bet you've seen it, ain't you?

Pissed from here.

Paul O 'Grady?

What a load of old shit!

What are you doing here?

This is my baby too.

push me back.