Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Something on your mind, Balki?

(CHUCKLES) Cousin, you can read me like a cheap suit.

Cousin, if you were me and you wanted to get you

to do something that was really hard

long hours and no pay, how you would get you to do it?

Well, that's easy. Really?

Well, sure, I'm a reasonable man.

I'm willing to listen to logical arguments.

Well, I thought so. Oh, yeah, sure.

So go ahead, just state the facts,

support it with statistical data

then be prepared for a flat "no."

Oh, forget it, cousin, I... I knew you wouldn't want

to be a volunteer fireman.

Just...just never mind. I'll do it.

Just forget I said anything, okay?

The firehouse needs volunteers

I thought you might like to do something

for the community, but obviously...

I said I'll do it. I was wrong.

I was wrong, okay? I was wrong.

it's not the last time I'm gonna be wrong

and I can live with that...

What? I'll do it.

You'll do what? I'll be a volunteer fireman.

Well, Balki, Wainwright has been after me for a while

to do a human interest story

Wait a minute, cousin, if that's the only reason

you're going to do it, I don't think you should do it.

Well, Balki, that's not the only reason.

I... I would think my commitment to the community

goes without saying.

So, when do we start?

I guess tomorrow.

Well, great!

Yeah.

You don't seem that excited about it.

(STAMMERS) I got you to do exactly what I wanted you to do

and yet somehow, you managed to suck all the joy out of it.

Cousin, they gave us hats.

I love hats.

I particularly love this hat. It's so elaborate.

You know, on Mypos, the firefighters

wear a watermelon rind with a chin strap.

Balki, this is gonna be a piece of cake.

What a coincidence! We are volunteers.

I hate volunteers.

They like to wear the hat, but they can't take the heat.

The hats are yours when you finish the training.

Oh, no.

I must have the hat. I... I love the hat.

Maybe I can...

(LAUGHING)

Uh...uh, say, uh, chief, uh, before we get started,

I have a... A couple of questions.

Shut up.

For the next six weeks, you do what I say, when I say.

If I say, "Jump." You say, "How high?"

If I say, "Make coffee." You say, "How hot?"

If I say, "Paint the fire truck."

Uh, uh, let me recap, okay?

That was, that was, uh, "How high?" "How hot?" and "How red?"

Right? Or...or was it... Was it high hat, red-hot and how now?

Shut up!

Do people tell you, you look like Sinatra?

All right, let's get to work.

First, I'll familiarize you

with the equipment you'll be using.

This is an ax. Don't touch it.

This is a high-rise backpack. Don't touch it.

And this is a state-of-the-art fire extinguisher.

The AFXQ-9000, The Mighty Max.

Lay a finger on it, and you're off the program

All right, it's time to get into your gear.

Ooh. He-he-he.

Is this as heavy as it looks?

(GIGGLING)

Water delivery apparatus over your right shoulder.

Oh. Oh!

That's also heavy. Yeah.

Oh.

Pry bars in your left hands.

You know, cousin, this is almost exactly like the outfit,

I wore to my grammar school graduation.

Except, of course, I had the snorkel.

Get over here.

All right, give me 40 flights.

I... I'm more an on-the-ground management type.

Go! (EXCLAIMS)

You know, chief, this is going to do wonders

in defining our quads.

(LAUGHING)

Shut up! Oh.

One.

Hey, cousin, while you were unconscious,

Chief Newton told us, tomorrow, he's going to show us

exactly how close you can get to the flames

and still keep your eyebrows.

I am never going back to that fire station.

Well, cousin, what about your story?

I'll get another story.

I never wanted to help the community.

You didn't? No.

So you lied! Ow! Ow!

Yes, I lied.

But this is the truth, I am never going back

to that fire station ever, ever again.

Well, I'm going back.

Ain't no mountain high enough

ain't no river deep enough, ain't no fire hot enough

to keep me from getting that hat.

Now, I'm going to my room.

I want you to sit right there

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi, Larry. Oh, hi.

Well, I--

Uh, maybe I shouldn't. I feel so foolish.

Well, Jennifer, you can tell me anything.

Here. Come in, come in.

We're engaged. You can tell me anything.

I told you about my fear of eggs.

Okay.

I've always had this fantasy about firemen.

I see this dashing man in a soot-streaked slicker.

Silhouetted by a raging fire

he hacks his way into my bedroom with an ax.

He scoops me up in his arms...

I've said too much?

No, no, you haven't.

He carries me to safety.

He leans me against his truck, the rungs of his ladder

pressing against my back... I can't go on.

Try.

There was always one thing missing.

My fireman was faceless until now.

Larry, you're that face in my fantasy.

(SIGHS)

Well, I better be going.

I, uh, just wanted to share that with you.

I'm glad you did.

Okay, cousin, I've made a list of the pros and cons

of going back to that f...

To that firehouse and serving your community.

Now, I... I don't care if I have to stay up all night

I'm going to get you to do this!

It's gonna make you a better person... Dagnabit!

I'll be a volunteer fireman.

Well, feed me lemons and make me pucker.

Appleton! Bartoko-mouse! Get a move on!

BALKI: Actually, it's...it's Bartokomous.

Shut up!

Get on down here!

Cousin Larry Appleton, come on down!

It's so high.

Cousin, come on, you're holding on too tight. Loosen your grip.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, cousin, I help you up.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, cousin, let me-- Wait, no, no!

I can get up!

All right, we start in five. Look sharp, men.

Oh, sir, I'd look a lot sharper with a hat!

(ALARM RINGING)

MAN: (ANNOUNCING) Engine number 151.

All right, everybody on the truck! We got a fire to fight!

Oh, where do I sit, sir?

You're not going anywhere.

Oh, but, yeah, yes...

No! But, please! I want to!

I want to ride on the fire truck!

It's been my dream since yesterday!

You're not gonna go anywhere! You're staying right here!

No, no!

Oh. Oh, look, cousin, they're doing the fireman's carry!

Sit there!

Sit!

Excuse me, sir.

Stay! (FIRE TRUCK SIREN BLARING)

It isn't fair, they get to put on their hats

and go fight a fire.

Those lucky charms!

Yeah, life is tough.

I'm gonna go make some coffee.

Hi, Balki. Mary Anne!

BALKI: What are you doing here?

No, we weren't.

"I've just got to get to that firehouse!"

Well, I'm glad you're here

but you're going to be disappointed.

I don't get my hat for another four days.

Balki...

I just finished my heat tolerance test.

I'll be ready when I have to fight a towering inferno.

Oh, Jennifer, Mary Anne.

I didn't know you were here.

Too bad you didn't get here sooner.

You missed all the excitement.

Listen... (STAMMERS) The alarm went off

and the siren was...was wailing

and everybody jumped on the truck

and raced off to fight the fire,

What Balki means is that we were told to stay here

and take care of any incoming emergencies.

Chief Newton is saving us for the big fires.

The raging blazes.

Larry, you look wonderful.

Well, you know what they say,

clothes make the man.

Of course, I don't have to tell you that.

Balki, what's up there?

Oh, the other end of that pole.

Do you want to see? MARY ANNE: Uh-huh.

I love the uniform, Larry.

By the way, I had that dream again last night.

I'm on duty, you know.

I was left in charge.

Neither rain nor snow nor sleet nor hail

nor gloom of night shall stay this trusted firefighter

from the swift completion of his appointed rounds.

Isn't that the mailman's creed?

Well, they use it, too.

Can I show you the officer transportation unit?

It may look deceptively simple

but this firefighter can tell you from experience

that the pole slide is one of the most

difficult maneuvers to master.

Whee!

She didn't do it by the book.

Well, we don't want to stop an important man

from doing a very important job.

I'm so proud of you, Larry.

We better go.

Doesn't Larry look handsome in his uniform?

He sure does. And he should always wear a hat.

It covers his oddly-shaped head.

Boy, Jennifer was really impressed.

Imagine how proud she'll be when you fight a real fire?

Fight a fire? Who needs a fire?

Look at the reaction I'm getting with just a uniform!

Cousin... I smell smoke.

Well, of course you smell smoke. We're in a fire station.

Everything in here reeks of smoke.

No, no, it's getting stronger.

Come on. We'd better check it out.

Cousin, Mr. Coffee's on fire!

Oh, my Lord!

We've got to call for help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Incoming emergency!

Hello, fire department.

You gotta come quick!

Just...just keep your cool. We...we're here to help you.

(STAMMERS) Now, where are you located?

Balki! Just a second, cousin.

Balki! Just a second, cousin!

Balki Cousin, just a second!

I'm on the phone!

What is the address here?

921, Bay Ridge Avenue.

921, Bay Ridge Avenue.

Get out of the city!

That's where our fire is!

Balki?

Hello?

Hello?

He hung up.

Balki! Balki, the hose! Help me with the hose!

Whoa!

(PANTING)

Turn on the water!

No, I'm holding the hose.

Balki!

Coffee, cousin! Not now, thank you.

Balki, you're a genius! You saved us!

Well, cousin, it was just a simple matter

of fighting fire with Folgers.

Well, the important thing is, it's out.

Of course, we'll have to make more coffee

but I can handle that.

(SCREAMING)

What are we gonna do?

Oh, uh, cousin, look! There's a fire squisher!

Phew!

(EXHALES) There.

Crisis averted.

Cousin, we make a great team, don't we?

You light 'em, we fight 'em.

Well, when you're in an emergency with Larry Appleton,

you can count on a cool head and a steady hand.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Balki! Balki!

Mighty Max can save us!

No, cousin, no, no.

(STAMMERS) We cannot... No, no, don't touch it.

Chief Newton say that if we touch it,

Balki, if we don't touch it, the fire station

will burn to the ground, and you won't have a head!

All right, that's a good point. Let's go.

Maybe this, maybe this, maybe, maybe this...

Do you see anything marked "On?"

Well, I don't know, cousin, but if this was a clock radio

this would turn it on.

Well, Balki, we saved the fire station.

We're heroes.

They're probably going to give us medals

and a parade.

If this don't get me a hat, I don't know what will.

(SIGHS)

Cheer up, Balki, at least you got to put out a fire

before you were thrown out of the program.

Yeah, but I never got to ride on the fire truck

and there's a big empty space on my head

where a hat should be.

Well, it wasn't a complete loss you got a nice story out of it.

It was very realistic.

Just reading it made me smell smoke.

You were burning toast when you read it, Mary Anne.

Oh, right!

Great idea. Okay.

We'll get our coats and meet you downstairs.

But nothing flambe.

Uh, Balki, it's, uh, kind of cold outside.

You might wanna wear your hat.

No, cousin, I'll just...

I'll just turn my collar up.

Cousin!

My hat!

My hat! Thank you!

(GRUNTS)

How you did get it?

Well, Chief Newton sold it to me.

Unfortunately, he wouldn't sell me a uniform.

Oh, that's okay, cousin, I don't need a uniform.

Oh, it wasn't for you.

I was counting on wearing it on my honeymoon.